I really like the fact that you took the time to write a short autobiography to introduce yourself to people on this site; it's a great way for other members of the community to get to know you and feel comfortable communicating.

The narrative you've presented does a great job of providing a lot of information in comparatively few words, which makes for an excellent overview, but there are a few areas which I think were glossed over a little too quickly. In particular, you mention that your being committed to a maximum security mental hospital at the age of 16 was something for which "the details aren't so much unimportant as completely misleading in what they say about me or who I am." At this point in the autobiography, though, we don't really know who you are yet, and that feels like a really significant point in your life that would benefit from a little more context to help the reader understand exactly what experience you went through. It doesn't have to be overly detailed if you're not comfortable sharing, but the line quoted above kind of teases it without saying, and I think you'd be better off either explaining or not teasing at information that won't ultimately be forthcoming in this piece.

Ultimately, the "character" in the piece is you, and I think you've done a decent job of setting up your background and experiences, and given the reader a fairly clear impression of where you're at in your life. One of the things I would love to know more about are the things that inspire or excite you. There's a lot of information about what you perceive as the negative things in your life, but what are some of the things that you're passionate about or at least interested in. The only thing the reader can tell from reading this is that D&D is an interest of yours; if you're comfortable sharing more about the things you do want to connect with people about, it might be easier for them to find you when they read this piece.

Not applicable.

There's a reference in the very first sentence of the piece to your email being your D&D characters. Are you referring to the username davegreymauser? If so, you might want to call it a username since that's the more common nomenclature on the site. It is also your site email address, but I found myself a bit confused by that sentence and I think it's because I was initially uncertain what email address you were referring to until I puzzled it out a bit.

I think you did a good job with this brief autobiographical essay. If you're interested in bolstering your profile on the site, I would also recommend completing the "Biography" tab of your Portfolio, which will prompt you with a bunch of questions and details that you can provide and people can read when they check out your Portfolio. That, combined with an essay item like this, is a wonderful way to introduce yourself to the other members of this site and give the a chance to get to know you a bit. Nicely done and welcome to Writing.com!

The intro description about an orphan passing away after leaving an important painting really piqued my interest.

I really like the fact that this poem told a detailed story. Each stanza was clearly laid out and moved the narrative forward clearly and concisely. The one part of the story that I felt was missing was Donnie's cause of death. The story is so specific about where he got his start and the quality of his work, but only casually mentions his death and doesn't provide much detail about it. I think there needs to be a little more context on that point.

Donnie is a compelling character. He's clearly talented, has a tragic backstory, and died far too young; it's a classic recipe for a really empathetic character that the reader wants to root for and know more about.

There was only one line of dialogue at the very end of the story, and that was a really effective way of both ending the piece and using dialogue to great effect. Dialogue is often most impactful when it's used sparingly, and you did a great job here.

I'm a little confused by the switching points of view in the poem. For most of the poem it's a first person narrator who describes a seemingly personal relationship with Donnie, as the narrator is the one that Donnie asks for a kitchen curtain, and the one who packs the piece of art into a satchel after Donnie's passing... but the very last line has a "she said" attribute and I'm not sure where that third person perspective is coming from. It feels like it might be more effective if that last line also came from the first-person narrator.

Also, the last stanza has a couple of other technical errors, notably an "a,d" instead of "and," as well as "cubical" which should be "cubicle" if you're referring to the office furnishing and not "cube-shaped."

I thought there was a lot of great imagery in this poem, although I was hoping for a bit more context in terms of what happened to Donnie, as well as what qualities of his art made it so remarkable at just nine years old. That said, I really enjoyed reading this piece. Nice work!

I thought you did a great job with this poem. I have difficulty making the Terza Rima form flow effectively when I attempt it but, for the most part, I think you did a great job with it. I found a couple of the line breaks to be a little jarring ... particularly in the "I don't pretend or suggest / my lines resound and are all that" ... but I know there are a lot of restrictions on the form and structure you're able to use.

Other than that, I think your rhymes are great and the imagery you create is excellent. All in all, nice work!

This is a fun premise for a quick, entertaining story.

I thought you did a great job telling an interesting story in so few words. It's not easy to make a piece this short also really satisfying, but you really nailed it.

It's difficult to really develop characters in short pieces like this, but you managed to make both of them distinct and interesting.

I really like the fact that you told this story most through dialogue. It's a really effective way to keep the reader engaged and interested while teasing out the narrative. Well done!

I'm a little confused at the "61 characters" count at the bottom of the item. I double checked and the item is either 172 characters with no spaces (or 211 characters including spaces), or 36 words... so something seems a little off here. Generally stories are counted in words rather than characters for the purposes of contest entries, manuscript submissions, etc.

Overall, I enjoyed this item. I thought you did a lot with comparatively few words, and doing so is quite an accomplishment. Nice work!

To be honest, I'm not quite sure what the premise of this piece is. There are a lot of elements mentioned (racism, entertainment news, social media, underage pregnancy, rape, slavery, etc. While the last sentence of the piece (asking the reader what they're going to do about it) is somewhat clarifying, I would suggest structuring the piece so that the direction is a little clearer early on. For example, you might consider making that point at the end of the item early on as well, at least generally, so that the reader understands the specific examples you provide throughout are pieces of a larger whole, rather than the author jumping from topic to topic.

There are a handful of statements in the work that don't really follow. In the first paragraph, for example, you stand that one cannot "sit there today, wherever you are and tell me you have never heard a racist comment." Is that something people have been telling you? Similarly, you state that one "cannot sit there today and tell me you have tried to stop it." From the opposite end of things, how can you be sure that the reader hasn't done something productive to combat racism? Both statements are pretty broad assertions that I'm not sure are validated by what's said in the rest of the piece.

I also noticed a handful of technical errors. In the second paragraph, it should be, "Let's take technology for example" rather than "lets." In the third paragraph, "i pad" should be "iPad."

Overall, I'm intrigued by many of the parts of your item, but feel like it's lacking cohesive elements that will tie everything together. If your thesis is "What have you done or are you, the reader, going to do about these awful things happening in our world, I'd encourage you to also state that goal at the outset and build toward it throughout the piece.

I really like the simple concept of this story. So many stories try to cram in as many plot points and twists as possible, it's nice to read a story that has a clear, focused premise that is easy to understand.

I know this is an incredibly short piece of writing, but one area where I felt there was room for improvement was in the story's conflict. I would have loved to have seen a little more detail and description that helped build events in the story more organically so that, rather than telling the reader that Jaxon is upset (disruptive and disrespectful, yelling, getting up from his seat, etc.), the reader could really get a chance to experience those actions happening in real time, so they become invested in Jaxon and his predicament. As it is, the reader is just an external observer being told about a series of actions but actually showing some of them could really elevate this story and make it more engaging for the reader.

While we get a clear picture of Jaxon in this story, the other characters (Bradin and the teacher) aren't really afforded enough detail so that the audience can get a sense of who they are. To the extent there is an opportunity to expand the length of this piece, I think a good use of that space would be in adding a little more detail to develop both of those secondary characters.

Jaxon's dialogue felt a little too polished and eloquent for a five year old. Lines like, "Thank you. That's my favorite story, and it always helps me feel better" are remarkably self-aware and articulate for a child of that age. I would revise his dialogue to make it read a little more age-appropriate.

"He took it to his teacher, "Will you read this please?" is an incorrectly punctuated sentence. I should either be a period between "He took it to his teacher" and the question being asked, or there should be an attribution such as "He took it to his teacher and asked, ..."

I enjoyed this item. I thought it was a sweet, straightforward story that was a fun read. There's definite room for improvement, but you're off to a great start.

You did a great job of posing some questions and food for thought for your readers. This essay went in a totally different direction than I thought and, while I found that problematic in some ways for reasons I will detail below, I also kind of like the fact that I was surprised to see where you were going with this conversation as I read it.

Most importantly, I think this essay really highlights one of the things we struggle with as a society, which is the glorification and acceptance of bad behavior if the transgressor is seen as somehow admirable or desirable in some way, shape, or form. It definitely causes one to stop and think about ways we're affected by this dynamic.

One of the things I really struggled with in this piece is the argument at the end that the "cruelty of gossip" is the best way to counter the cruelty of someone being a jerk (i.e., one who attacks others because aggressive behavior is rewarded). After such a thought-provoking introduction and earlier part of the essay, I was personally hoping for a better takeaway than "be a (slightly different kind) of jerk right back."

I also think there's a bit of conflation going on in this essay. In the second paragraph alone you reference a person who is "so brilliant or so capable that everyone just forgives the fact that he's kind of a jerk," "rich or famous [people that] get a slap on the wrist for what might crush a poor person on the street," and attractive and/or powerful people who are impatient or brusque with the rest of us because their time is valuable. To me, those are three distinct and not necessarily overlapping personality types, which made it difficult for me to understand what type of person this essay was specifically making the case against. One could argue that a brilliant person who is kind of a jerk might not even realize they're being a jerk. There are many well-documented cases of truly brilliant minds in one field that don't have well developed social skills that can cause them to seem rude (or like a "jerk") even though no offense was actually intended.

I have mixed feelings about this item as a whole. On the one hand, I think the argument would benefit from a little restructuring in order to be clearer and more persuasive. On the other hand, I'm still thinking about what you've written and will probably be mulling it over for a while, so clearly it's having some persuasive effect!

The concept of finding love after experiencing a loss certainly isn't a new concept, but it's also been around and popular for a very long time for a reason. It's a compelling narrative and you did a great job of hooking the reader's attention with what happened to Chris and Katie at the very beginning of the story. The setup and overall premise definitely entice the reader to give your item a chance.

The story felt a little stilted for much of the item, which I think might be due to the way it's presented in a matter-of-fact, slightly removed kind of way. Reading it, the story almost felt like a neutral third party was viewing the events and reporting them back to the reader in a dispassionate way (e.g., they did this, and then this happened, and after that this is what they said, etc.). I would recommend approaching the narrative of this story from the close, subjective view of one of the characters. Have us live this story through the eyes of Amanda, up close and personal, where we get to experience the varied emotions and ups and downs that come with someone going through a loss and a new beginning like she endured.

I would also recommend taking the time to explain elements of the story that aren't readily apparent. In the opening scene, for example, it's mentioned that Amanda and Chris have a successful architectural firm and such... but when the accident happens, the story quickly glosses over all the detail and just makes passing reference to the fact that Amanda moved her kids to a new town. But why? Was she haunted by memories of the past at her old job, old house, etc.? Now that Chris is gone and she's a single mom of two, did she need to move somewhere to be closer to family and a support system? Taking the time to explain the reasons for the characters' decisions will really help your reader empathize with your characters and clearly understand the characters' motivations for doing the things they do.

See above for a combination note about story and character.

The dialogue worked, but really didn't stand out. I would have loved to have seen the conversations have a little more energy to them, and with varied sentence structure to reflect natural speech patterns. As it is, the conversations are all kind of presented in the same formal speech pattern and it would be great to see the different characters have different kinds of expressions through their dialogue.

There are quite a few jarring shifts in tenses throughout the story. In the first paragraph, for example, the story starts in the past tense ("Amanda and Chris were high school sweethearts," "They started a landscape architecture company," "It was their baby," etc.) and then, mid-paragraph, it suddenly switches to present tense ("Danny always takes the helm," "He is exceptional at his job," etc.). This is a technical issue I struggle with a lot in my own writing, and I would definitely recommend a thorough line edit to catch these errors and iron them out for better readability.

Several paragraphs also include sentence fragments and improper punctuation that, again, a good, thorough line edit would catch. Again in the first paragraph, "One of their closest friends." is a fragment. In the second paragraph, there's erroneous comma usage, irregular capitalization, and the unnecessary repetition of the word "pie" in the sentence, "They picked up, some pies, like, Apple, cherry, and sweet potato pie." I know this item is labeled a draft, so I just wanted to quickly highlight some technical areas to focus on during any subsequent revisions.

This item also needs to have a slightly higher rating due to the violent content in the opening sequence.

I think you've got a winning premise here, and your characters are interesting. This is definitely a story worth pursuing. However, there's a lot of technical work and revising things from the ground up that will be necessary to revise this piece into a version of the story that takes full advantage of its own potential. That said, I did find this a very sweet and enjoyable read.

I really loved the sentiment of this piece. It's clear from reading it that you not only miss your Pop-pop, but that you've taken a great deal of time to consider what his loss meant to you and how to live your life as a result. This piece of writing is touching, emotional, and really does a great job of capturing the reader's attention with your excellent and selective use of detail. I particularly like the encouragement toward the end for someone going through a similar experience to talk with a trusted loved one to express how they're feeling and help deal with the loss.

The length of the piece was also a strength. In a lot of cases, I find that emotional writing tends to go on a little too long because the author often wants to include every nuance and detail, but you did a great job of exercising restraint and only including the details that served to illustrate your point and/or paint a vibrant picture. Nicely done!

A few of the transitions between the memories of the past and the actions happening in the present felt a little rough. In particular, the end of the story about when you heard about your own relative's passing feels like it pops up rather abruptly, with the previous few paragraphs having been about your present experience trying to talk to the other kid about his lost. I think the backstory about your own loss might be a bit more effective toward the beginning of the story, where it will add context to your experience and better establish your history with this experience before you get into the particulars of how you tried to talk to this ten year old.

There was only one typo that I noticed. In the second-to-last paragraph, "An after that?" should be "And after that?"

As a whole, I thought this was a good piece of writing that offers some excellent advice and insight, while also carefully balancing the need to provide details and context without going too overboard. I think there's room for improvement in terms of structure that would really help make it stand out, but it's a solid piece of writing as-is.

Overall, I was a little confused by this piece, which I think might be owed to it's classification as an article in the How-To/Advice genre. For me, a How-To/Advice piece usually has some sort of a recommended course of action or insight, but this piece admits in the second sentence that "There is no cure [for writer's block] just a waiting game really."

If the goal is to make this a personal statement on the struggle with writer's block (as the intro description implies), it might be better classified in Personal as the primary genre, and not reference the How-To/Advice genre at all. On the other hand, if you do have additional insights that you can pair with the personal description of your own struggle with writer's block, there's amply opportunity to fill in those gaps and create a longer, more fleshed-out version of this piece.

A couple of technical notes:

"standpoint" (second paragraph) is one word
"shirt piece" (second paragraph) should be "short piece"
"Goodbye" (third paragraph) is one word

There are also a few points where I'd recommend adding some punctuation, particularly to separate clauses from the main body of a sentence, and to separate sentences with two different subjects into discrete sentences. For example, "Good bye writer's block next you come remember this" could be more effectively articulated as "Goodbye writer's block. Next time you come, remember this."

All that said, I really enjoyed the sentiment of this piece, and think you do a great job of providing a reminder to the reader that sometimes a small, simple exercise can help break us out of the writer's block we're feeling. There are a wide variety of ways to combat writer's block and the advice to just write something small is definitely an effective method I've tried in the past. Nice work!

I'm a big fan of crossover fanfiction, as well as big tournaments, so the premise of this item was right up my alley. I think you did a great job coming up with a variety of diverse, familiar characters, and the setup of the tournament made it very clear how events were going to unfold. I was hooked right from the start!

The narrative was intriguing, and you did a great job of setting up a surprise twist in the first chapter as we follow Sora and Link in their own world before being transported to the contest world. You have a knack for writing well-paced, exciting action that keeps the reader engaged. I would have liked to have seen just a little more uniqueness and originality to the story (the evil being who kidnaps people to make them compete in his deadly contest has been done a lot), but overall this was an entertaining story that was relatively well told. Since the item sort of ends abruptly, I'm assuming it's unfinished, but I think it's pretty nice work so far!

Along the same lines as the story, I would have really liked to have seen Thanatos with a bit more development beyond "evil demon contest organizer." Aside from that, though, I thought you did a pretty good job capturing the diverse personalities of all the contestants you brought into the material. There were a lot of characters that weren't utilized very much, but I assume that's in part because this story will be continued at some point.

The dialogue didn't all work for me. Most of the back and forth dialogue between different characters worked fine, but the monologues (especially Thanatos' explanation of the tournament in Chapter 2) tended to drag on a bit and felt a little stale. The concept of this style of tournament is pretty well established at this point, so I think you probably could have pared down a lot of that dialogue with the mechanics of how the contest is supposed to work. Even if a reader isn't familiar with this particular subgenre of story, the rules could be explained during the contest as the competitors figure them out, which would save you a lot of the unnecessary exposition (and words!) before the contest begins.

There were quite a few technical errors in the piece, mostly along the lines of typos and minor issues along those lines. For example:

The two heroes dove behind a bolder for cover. - Typo (boulder)

Sora charged Ganon while Link knocked and arrow. - Typo (nocked)

I'd definitely recommend taking another pass through your story just to polish things up and take care of all those tiny grammatical loose ends. Additionally, due to the language, this item needs to be rated as 18+. For more information on ratings, I'd recommend checking out the "Content Rating System (CRS)"  for more information.

I enjoyed this story. While it does need a fair amount of work, I think it's a really solid first draft and definitely something that you can work with. Some addition focus on developing the antagonist, better pacing the explanation of the rules, and utilizing all the characters you've introduced to the audience will go a long way toward making this item even better. But it was still a very enjoyable read as it currently exists.

I was intrigued by your item's intro description; the concept of a reality traveler immediately captured my interest and made me want to read more.

I was a little hard-pressed to get a sense of what story was transpiring. There are a lot of great visuals in this piece, but it felt a bit more like a random collection of imagery than a cohesive story. There's a lot of potential here to create a consistent narrative, but it needs a little more work to get it there.

Both the protagonist and the woman he initially wakes up next to are interesting, but need to be more fully developed in order to truly give the reader a sense of who they are, what they want, and a reason to root for (or against) them. I know this is a relatively short piece, but the more character development you can squeeze into it, the more engaged your audience will be.

Not applicable.

The short staccato sentences were really effective for a piece this short. I would recommend varying the length of the sentences a bit so that the shorter, snappier ones are even more poignant when contrasted against the longer, more complex sentences, but they're really effective as-is. Also, just a quick note that due to the content of the piece, this is not an E-rated item. For a more detailed explanation of the site's ratings, I'd recommend checking out the "Content Rating System (CRS)" .

While I see definitely potential in this item, I think it needs a considerable amount of work as a piece of prose. The style might almost work as a form of narrative poetry (in which case I'd recommend changing the item type from "Fiction" to "Poetry" to avoid confusion), but under its current label as "Fiction," I think some more work needs to be done in the areas of character and story development in order to really make the most of the premise you've established. Overall, I think it was a solid effort, with room for improvement.

Overall, I think you did a good job with this piece. I liked the pacing of the way it read, and the rhyme scheme helped everything flow nicely. I like the fact that there was a distinct story to this poem and it was easy to see how the prompt informed the entire piece. All in all, I thought this was a solid entry for The Writer's Cramp. Well done!

Positives

I thought you infused this piece with a lot of excellent detail and description. You painted a vibrant picture of the setting, which really added to my enjoyment of the piece. There were some interesting details about Megan and her life, but the environmental details were the real star of the piece.

Negatives

I felt like there wasn't really much of an actual narrative story here. Megan stops at a lodge on a snowy night, but there's not really a sense of where the story goes from there. It's almost a vignette about the location itself, rather than a short story with a character arc or a narrative with a clear beginning, middle, and end. I would have loved to have seen the character go on a little more of a journey in terms of where she starts and where she ends up by the time the story is over.

Overall

Overall, I think you did an excellent job with the details and description, but that the short story, structurally, could have used a little more character development and/or narrative development. Still, the quality of the writing itself is quite good and you did a wonderful job of depicting your subject matter in vivid detail. Nice work!