Good take on the prompt!

The only part of the story that didn't quite work for me was the very end, where the protagonist abruptly leaves her campsite retreat to take him to the hospital and it ends on the note, "She'd come here intending to leave her old life in the renewing waters. Now she felt ready to begin again." From the earlier part of the story, there wasn't really any indication that, other than a break from the world, she had any transformation that would have led to that ending. I was hoping for a bit more of a connection, like maybe she realized that saving lives is the new direction she wanted to take in life, or that her interaction with Ryan somehow made he realize she wants to reconnect with the world in some way. As it is, she just kind of has a catharsis with no real explanation for what changed.

The protagonist was a good, compelling character. The only part that gave me a little pause was the line where it said, "her irritation at being disturbed still bubbled away under the surface," even though the sentences before and after confirmed that he had been completely honorable about giving her space and leaving her uninterrupted. Without any context for why she needed absolute seclusion, it makes her a little unlikable to still be irritated at someone who, for days, has kept to himself and left her alone as she wants.

No issues with the dialogue.

No technical errors that I could find.

Overall, I really liked this story. I thought it was a good take on the prompt and well-written. Nice work!

Great take on the prompt.

This was a wonderful story. You managed to pack so much narrative and atmosphere into a comparatively short story; I'm really impressed. Very few short stories are able to both tell a comprehensive, satisfying story while also hinting at a larger world, and you managed to do both easily.

All three characters (Thomas, Abby, and Hatu) were well-developed and interesting.

The dialogue was realistic and moved the story forward at a brisk pace.

Just one typo that I could find: Another growl and shriek in the distance and Thomas brought his rifle up, scanning for any threat he could find.

This was an outstanding story. I really enjoyed every moment of reading it.

Interesting use of the prompt!

One suggestion I have for the story is to make it more focused on The Gettysburg Address. The story started with Gonzo looking for a wide variety of things, being impressed by the collection of many other books, and leaving with a whole host of new things that he had traded for. That, collectively, makes it difficult to appreciate how Gonzo got scammed, because he does have some things he wanted. In order for the ending to be more impactful, I think Gonzo either needs to come in search of that specific document, or find that to be the only thing worth acquiring, so that it's all the more devastating when the reader realizes that he's been duped in the end. Although there's also the larger question of whether he's actually been duped at all, because Gonzo isn't necessarily looking for original manuscripts, but human knowledge. In that respect, the copy would be just as valuable to him as the original.

I liked the character of Gonzo quite a bit. I found the constantly changing holograms to be a little confusing and off-putting compared to having a single image of a hologram that develops naturally as a character.

The dialogue was effective and moved the story forward.

No technical errors that I could find.

This was a fun story with a lot of potential. It was an interesting take on the prompt, and a very entertaining read. Nice job!

The setting was incorporated into the story nicely.

This felt a little more like a vignette than a story, in that it felt a bit like the reader was dropped into the middle of the scene at the very beginning, and by the end there wasn't really a natural resolution to any conflict or stakes established, but rather it just ended at an appropriate point. I was hoping for a little more of a story arc, with a definitive feeling of a beginning, middle, and end to the events.

Callum and Morana are both intriguing characters, and you did a great job of including a lot of backstory that kept the reader interested. I could easily see this turning into a larger, more expansive piece that includes more about the series of events that led Callum and Morana to connect with one another. To me, those are always the best kind of stories, that hint at a larger world beyond the confines of the existing narrative.

The dialogue was well-written and moved the story along nicely.

No technical errors that I could find.

Overall, I liked this story. Although I wished it had a little more in the way of a narrative, the writing was good and the characters were compelling. That's not always easy to do, and you did a good job with it.

Your take on the prompt was unique and interesting. I liked the creative, out of the box thinking.

The biggest issue I had with the narrative was that there were very low individual stakes for the characters in a story that was ideally suited to have high stakes. Both of the characters are fleeing a legitimate global catastrophe and just kind of casually having a logical conversation about it. There are also a few times where the narrative inexplicably resolves itself, like when the story mentions that they reached a major highway and, "The heavy traffic was going the same way they were," and yet, a few minutes later, they manage to pick up a passenger and drive uneventfully to Kansas City.

All three of the characters (Barbara, John, and their passenger Martha) all seemed a little detached. They talk about a globally catastrophic event with mild interest, barely registering the millions of people that would be dead at this point, and instead spending a significant amount of time marveling over the scientific phenomena and lamenting the loss of their favorite beach in Malibu. It would be understandable if there were one character (Barbara, for example, whose professional interests would be piqued by this event) that had a sort of detached awe or fascination by the phenomena, but when they all have the same perspective, it ends up feeling like there's very little human connection in the story.

Much of the dialogue was quite expository, from explaining the phenomena to one another in detail, to saying things for the benefit of the audience. For example, if Barbara and John have been married years, neither of them should ever have to utter the sentence, "I know that I am a scientist, and should know better." They both already know their partners's profession. Similarly, they would have already had plenty of conversations about her mom and the move to Kansas City, and the circumstances that led to it. They wouldn't need to spell it out in casual conversation with one another. I would try to rework the dialogue so that it's more natural-sounding and realistic.

I'm not sure how one "frog-march[es] their equipment back to John's pick-up." To frog march is to "force (someone) to walk forward by holding and pinning their arms from behind." It feels like the use of the wrong word here.

Overall, I appreciated the originality of the premise, and think this is the start of a compelling story. The narrative, characters, and dialogue need a bit of an overhaul to iron out some of the rough patches, but this is a good foundation for a compelling story.

Unique take on the prompt.

The three different segments of the story were individually effective but didn't really gel together into one cohesive story.

Natasha was an interesting character, but I didn't really get a sense of who she was as a person beyond the person that was chosen for this responsibility. I would have loved to know more about who she is as a person beyond the great responsibility she's being tasked with.

The dialogue was effective and moved the story forward.

No technical errors that I could find.

The story was well-written (as your stories so often are), but it felt a little disconnected for me. I had a hard time connecting with the protagonist and was hoping for a little more of a cohesive narrative.

Unique take on the prompt.

There was a rich, thorough story that managed to cram a lot of narrative into just a couple thousand words. I'm impressed with the level of detail and worldbuilding you were able to fit into this story.

It felt like there were more characters involved in the story than were strictly necessary. While it did create a sense of a larger world, it also made the story harder to get into at first, as the reader tried to make sense of who was who.

The dialogue was a little overwrought. There were a lot of paragraphs of dialogue where only a sentence or two would have sufficed, which made the story's pace drag a little bit while the dialogue was going on.

No issues.

Overall, I like the size and scope of this story. I like the ambition. I think there's some definite room for improvement, but you're off to a good start.

Great take on the prompt.

The story was compelling and well-told. I would have liked a little more detail on the nature of the creature that convinced them to not even bother trying to retake the tent so that the reader understands why risking freezing to death was a preferable option to the alternative, but it was otherwise an excellent story.

Both Bergen and the protagonist were engaging, interesting characters.

The dialogue worked well in the story.

None that I could find.

This was an entertaining story and a good take on the prompt. Nice work!

Good take on the prompt.

Good use of detail and description. The story worked well, and packed a lot into comparatively few words.

Cecile was an engaging character that kept my interest.

Not applicable.

No spelling or technical errors that I could find.

I enjoyed reading this entry and thought it was a good take on the prompt.

The mix of science fiction and details from familiar trench warfare of the early 18th Century was an intriguing mix. It created a world that was familiar, at the same time full of potential. I really enjoyed that aspect of the story.

For such a short chapter, it got a little repetitive. The two major plot points in this chapter are the main character, 188272, telling two different people the same information (that the rest of his Company is dead). I would look for a way to not repeat the same information twice.

188272 is an intriguing character, but the reader needs a better sense of his personality early on in the work. We need a reason to root for him and empathize with his situation. Having his entire Company killed is a good motivating event, but we need to understand more about how that event has affected him. The way it's told, it sounds like a train rolling into the station missing three cars and having almost everybody aboard dead is a 'no big deal' type of occurrence in this world. Why is that?

As mentioned above, this scene is mostly comprised of the main character having the same conversation, about losing his entire Company, twice. There was also a bit of repetition in the instructions and action of finding his way to the platoon door. A little variety in the dialogue would give you time to establish the character in a little more detail.

Where the hell is the rest of your Company?

I like the setting for this story, and you provide a good mix of details and action so that the narrative moves along at a brisk pace. I think there's room for improvement in the dialogue and characterization areas, as well as presenting a little more of the story hook in this first chapter, but I think you're off to a good start.

I had a hard time seeing how the prompt was integrated into the story. While the prompt doesn't necessarily have to be heavily featured, I always look for the threads of connection and I had a difficult time finding them in this story.

The narrative felt a little scattered, jumping from event to event often with very rough transitions. This is especially prominent when Sheena shows up for the first time at the wedding with very little introduction and a backstory dropped into the reader's lap at that very moment, and again toward the end where Sheena shows up at the house in a tense moment and the very next paragraph glosses over that conflict and starts with, "Here is a wrap-up to the story." As with the character note below, I would recommend taking the time to set up later payoffs in the story so the reader has a sense of satisfaction with the narrative playing out rather than being surprised by rough transitions and information that wasn't known until the very moment it's needed.

Like the story, a lot of the characters feel a little rough around the edges. Sheena isn't really established at all, except when she pops up at the wedding and her entire detailed backstory is provided at that point, and we don't really get a sense of what Donathan thinks about this complicated love triangle beyond his surface level thoughts that he obviously loves Sweetie and Sheena is the odd one out. I'd try to work a little more characterization into the piece so that the readers have some context and details about each character to form a mental image around.

The early dialogue in the story where Donathan approaches Sweetie and all at once asks her to dance, introduces himself, tells her he knows who she is, compliments her physical appearance, details how he planned to approach her that evening, and then asks her out all in a single bit of dialogue feels a little disjointed and unnatural. Take the time to play out the conversation between these two characters a little. Give us some back and forth, sparks of interest, time for the relationship to develop rather than a one-sided flurry of information.

No technical errors that I could find.

Overall, I liked the characters themselves, and the idea behind this story. I think there's a lot of room for improvement in the execution, but there's the potential to make this a really compelling story of a love triangle between the three primary characters.

This was a very unique take on the prompt. I like the fact that the idyllic summer quote inspired a fantasy rather than reality. Nice job!

The story was well presented and well-told. It moved along briskly and included just enough details to create a vivid image in the reader's mind while still moving the narrative along at a quick pace.

I like the fact that the only well-defined characters were the images/memories of the narrator's family and that everyone in the real world (e.g., the paramedics) were sort of indistinct. It really worked well given the nature of the story being told.

The dialogue was minimal but really worked for this story.

I'm at the hospice, watching my mother [breathe] through tubes.

This was a really unique take on the prompt, which helped it stand out. Nice job!

Good take on the prompt.

The description in the story was absolutely stunning. In just a few short words, you really painted a vibrant picture of the setting and made it's beauty easy and clear to imagine.

Sussan's relationship with her husband and her boss is unclear. She clearly dislikes her husband... but why? She and her boss clearly have some deeper connection than she does with her husband... but why? All three characters and their relationship to one another is compelling, but we're missing some key information about why they find themselves connected in this specific way.

The dialogue was effective and moved the story along nicely.

No technical issues.

This was a really enjoyable story, thanks in large part to the absolutely stunning descriptions of the setting. It made for a memorable read!

Good use of the prompt, incorporating it as a song lyric.

The story felt a little too melodramatic and predictable for my tastes. Everything worked out perfectly in the end, and while the narrator's choices seemed to shock and appall her family, there were never any real consequences or risk that things wouldn't work out in the end. I was hoping for a little more sustained, engaging conflict to make the resolution to the story more satisfying.

The narrator and most of the family are fine characters, if a little cliched. They work for this kind of story, but I was hoping for a little something to make them stand out. The brother character was fantastic and what really made this story stand out. You could feel his protective concern for his sister, and the way he was used to anticipating when she has a misstep (sometimes literally!).

The dialogue was effective and kept the story moving along at the right times.

No technical errors that I could find.

This was a solid story with the brother as a standout character. I think it's missing that little something to give it a fresh, unique spin outside of what's expected in these kinds of stories, but overall it was an effective story well-told.

Interesting take on the prompt.

There were several points where the story made jarring, inconsistent jumps. From Mitch and Tina on the beach jumping immediately to Tina screaming at her parents, and again when the doctors repeatedly saying "We don't know what's wrong with Tina" going right into Victoria saying Tina is going to be okay a few paragraphs later because "Now we know what is wrong with her."

Jackson and Victoria were interesting, well-developed characters. Tina felt a little like a plot device more than a fully-realized character, but all three of them were compelling and enjoyable to read about.

The dialogue felt a little on the nose and expository. Each character says exactly and fully what they're thinking in any given moment, and provides a lot of backstory that feels written more for the benefit of the reader, or for drawing out the narrative, than something a person would naturally say in that situation.`

No technical errors that I could find.

I found the characters compelling, and the premise interesting, but execution-wise I think there's some work to be done to refine the dialogue and smooth out the progression of the narrative. This is definitely a good start, though!

Good take on the prompt.

The worldbuilding is excellent. The location you picked, especially once the story got to the mountains, felt vibrant and alive. The narrative of these two characters finding one another was compelling.

Camila and Francisco were both unique, compelling characters.

The dialogue felt a little flat for me. Especially the conversation with the young sisters at the mountain home about what Francisco looks like, when Francisco is describing himself it Camila is consoling him, the back and forth feels a little forced and expository, as did the part at the lake where Francisco is telling her his backstory.

No technical errors that I could find.

I enjoyed this story. I thought it was a good take on the prompt, and the characters were compelling enough to keep the reader's interest throughout.

I really enjoyed your take on the prompt, and think you fulfilled all of the requirements for this round of the contest.

I like the fact that your poem focused on the genre of death without being too obvious about it. You do a great job of referring to the concept of death with imagery which makes this piece really stand out.

Thanks to this piece, I learned a new form! I had no idea what a Coronach poem was before reading this item, and it was a pleasure to research the form and see how you applied it to your particular piece. I could find no issues with the form.

No technical errors that I could find.

I thought you did a really great job with this poem. It's well written, impeccably structured, and flows really well from line to line. The imagery was excellent and it's an all-around solid take on the prompt. Well done!