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3,735 Public Reviews Given
Review Style
I balance my reviews by commenting both on what worked and suggestions for improvement. I evaluate material as honestly and objectively as possible, while still being positive and supportive. I can adapt my review style to fit the kind of feedback an author is looking for (e.g., tough love, encouragement, alternative suggestions, etc.).
I'm good at...
Structure, pacing, characterization, plotting, dialogue, and considerations for the professional marketplace. I'm okay at technical editing but much better with broader creative considerations.
Favorite Genres
Action/Adventure, Mystery/Crime/Thriller, Science Fiction/Fantasy
Least Favorite Genres
Nonsense/Experimental Prose
Favorite Item Types
Short stories, novels, essays and other nonfiction writing on a variety of topics.
Least Favorite Item Types
Poetry. (I'm not as familiar with poetic forms as I am with prose.)
I will not review...
Insincere writing. I typically put a lot of thought and effort into my reviews, so I try to focus my efforts on authors who are serious about improving their work. Beyond that, no genre is too weird, no content rating is too high, no form or length is too daunting. I'm open to anything.
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review by Jeff
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Banner for Winter I Write


Hello ruwth

I'm sending this review in connection with "I Write in 2020.

We're trading reviews and alternating posts in the I Write forum, it seems!

I really enjoyed the fact that you connected several blog posts together and gave the reader a sense of a continuing journey. It really helps add context and appreciation to the moving day story that you communicated in this blog post. I thought this entry was well written, paced effectively, and kept my interest throughout.

Overall, you did a great job!

I hope you've found this review helpful. If so, please consider paying it forward by reviewing the work of another WdC author!

Respectfully,

Jeff


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
2
2
Review by Jeff
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Banner for Winter I Write


Hello ruwth

I'm sending this review in connection with "I Write in 2020.


As someone who just finished a month-long challenge to blog every day, I wish you the best of luck! It's a time consuming test of your endurance, but can be really rewarding if you're able to see it through to the end. Even if you end up missing a day or completing an entry late, keep at it! *Bigsmile*


I hope you've found this review helpful. If so, please consider paying it forward by reviewing the work of another WdC author!

Respectfully,

Jeff


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
3
3
Review of Pacific  
Review by Jeff
Rated: E | (4.0)
Quotation Inspiration Logo #1

Hello Toffeeman1957

This is an official judges' review for the April 2020 round of "Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest


         *PenR* Premise.

The premise was interesting and I enjoyed the take on the prompt.

         *Penr* Story.

The story was well-developed and moved along at a brisk pace.

         *Penr* Characters.

The characters were well-developed and interesting.

         *Penr* Dialogue.

You made good use of dialogue to keep the story moving forward.

         *Penr* Technical.

No technical issues that I could find.

         *Penr* Overall.

Overall, I enjoyed this entry and thought you did a good job with the prompt.

Thank you for the undertaking the time and effort to enter one of the site's official contests. I hope you've found this review helpful. If so, please consider paying it forward by reviewing the work of another WdC author!

Respectfully,

Jeff


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
4
4
Review by Jeff
Rated: E | (4.0)
Quotation Inspiration Logo #1

Hello Roberts89

This is an official judges' review for the April 2020 round of "Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest


         *PenR* Premise.

I liked your take on the prompt. I thought it was original and interesting.

         *Penr* Story.

The story was compelling and had me engaged throughout.

         *Penr* Characters.

Your character development was excellent; both Marie and Sharon felt like fully-realized, intriguing characters.

         *Penr* Dialogue.

The dialogue was okay; it mostly served its purpose of moving the narrative along efficiently, but for me it didn't really stand out or shine beyond being functional.

         *Penr* Technical.

No technical errors that I could find.

         *Penr* Overall.

Overall, I enjoyed this entry. I think you had a good take on the prompt, and you executed it well.

Thank you for the undertaking the time and effort to enter one of the site's official contests. I hope you've found this review helpful. If so, please consider paying it forward by reviewing the work of another WdC author!

Respectfully,

Jeff


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
5
5
Review by Jeff
Rated: E | (4.5)
Quotation Inspiration Logo #1

Hello Tina Stone

This is an official judges' review for the April 2020 round of "Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest


         *PenR* Premise.

I really loved your premise and take on the prompt.

         *Penr* Story.

The story was really well crafted and quite endearing. I found myself engaged from beginning to end.

         *Penr* Characters.

Misty is a great character who experiences an entire arc in the span of less than 1,200 words. That's very difficult to do, and you made it look easy. Well done!

         *Penr* Dialogue.

N/A

         *Penr* Technical.

No technical errors that I could find.

         *Penr* Overall.

Overall, this was a sensational entry. I think you did an amazing job with the prompt, and the story you created was well-executed. Nicely done!

Thank you for the undertaking the time and effort to enter one of the site's official contests. I hope you've found this review helpful. If so, please consider paying it forward by reviewing the work of another WdC author!

Respectfully,

Jeff


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
6
6
Review by Jeff
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Quotation Inspiration Logo #1

Hello Graham B.

This is an official judges' review for the April 2020 round of "Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest


         *PenR* Premise.

I liked your premise and your take on the prompt.

         *Penr* Story.

Overall, I found the story to be compelling and really liked the level of detail and imagery you infused into the piece.

         *Penr* Characters.

Both of your characters were really well-developed and interesting.

         *Penr* Dialogue.

Some of the back-and-forth dialogue early on in the piece slowed down the read a bit because it felt at times like banter that wasn't really moving the story forward. That said, you did a good job with the dialogue toward the end of the story and dealing with the really emotional ending between the two.

         *Penr* Technical.

No technical issues that I could find.

         *Penr* Overall.

Overall, this was a solid entry. It was a good take on the prompt and well-written. Nice work!

Thank you for the undertaking the time and effort to enter one of the site's official contests. I hope you've found this review helpful. If so, please consider paying it forward by reviewing the work of another WdC author!

Respectfully,

Jeff


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
7
7
Review by Jeff
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Quotation Inspiration Logo #1

Hello Odessa Molinari smiling

This is an official judges' review for the April 2020 round of "Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest


         *PenR* Premise.

I thought your premise was a good take on the prompt.

         *Penr* Story.

I found the story to be quite problematic, particularly due to a jump in the timeline (the second paragraph has Suri saying she "is to marry" implying the marriage will come in the future, then the next paragraph immediately jumps to "The wedding, three months ago," and creates a really jarring leap forward, especially since the first two paragraphs were written in a way that made it seem like they were happening presently, rather than in the past.

         *Penr* Characters.

The narrator character didn't really work for me, particularly after running into Suri again. The narrator literally states things like, "I didn't know what was happening to her" and "I knew she was being controlled, but how?" and that it took watching Handmaid's Tale to realize that Suri's husband was abusive, controlling, etc., but that information seems pretty self-evident and it's a bit strange that the narrator of the story seems so oblivious throughout the story until the very end.

         *Penr* Dialogue.

The dialogue was minimal but kept the story moving along and was well-placed.

         *Penr* Technical.

No technical errors that I could find.

         *Penr* Overall.

Overall, I think this piece has a lot of potential, but in its current form it fell a little short of the mark. I would have loved to have seen a little more discernment from the narrator, and to have the timing issues ironed out.

Thank you for the undertaking the time and effort to enter one of the site's official contests. I hope you've found this review helpful. If so, please consider paying it forward by reviewing the work of another WdC author!

Respectfully,

Jeff


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
8
8
Review of The Accident  
Review by Jeff
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Quotation Inspiration Logo #1

Hello hullabaloo22

This is an official judges' review for the April 2020 round of "Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest


         *PenR* Premise.

Your premise and your take on the prompt are both excellent. Very well done!

         *Penr* Story.

The story was effective and well-told.

         *Penr* Characters.

The characterization was excellent. Your narrator character (Melanie) felt like a fully-realized, well-developed personality.

         *Penr* Dialogue.

The dialogue in this piece was effective and kept the story moving along at a brisk pace.

         *Penr* Technical.

The only small suggestion I have is in the paragraph that starts with the sentence, "The one good thing that kept on going through my mind, at least at first, was that now I had a good excuse to wear the shades." For me, that sentiment didn't make a lot of sense because the earlier part of the story established that she used her shades to avoid making eye contact with anyone. Since she lost her vision, that trigger for needing the shades is gone, so it felt out of place for her to be focused on wearing them again. I think it would have been more accurate to focus on the one good thing being she didn't need to worry about people looking at her or making eye contact, as that was the problem she was dealing with.

         *Penr* Overall.

Overall, I really enjoyed this story. You had a great take on the prompt and executed it very well. Nice work!

Thank you for the undertaking the time and effort to enter one of the site's official contests. I hope you've found this review helpful. If so, please consider paying it forward by reviewing the work of another WdC author!

Respectfully,

Jeff


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
9
9
Review by Jeff
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Quotation Inspiration Logo #1

Hello Carly

This is an official judges' review for the April 2020 round of "Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest


         *PenR* Premise.

I really like the premise of this story, and the way you tied it into what's happening in the world right now.

         *Penr* Story.

The narrative felt a little light on story. While not every entry has to use every bit of the available word count, it felt like there was an opportunity to flesh this out a little. As it is, it feels a little more like a vignette than a fully-realized story with a beginning, middle, and end.

         *Penr* Characters.

The characters felt like they could have benefitted from a little more definition. As with the story suggestions, a little more character development would go a long way to adding context to these characters and their conversation.

         *Penr* Dialogue.

The dialogue was effective at moving the story along.

         *Penr* Technical.

No technical errors jumped out at me.

         *Penr* Overall.

Overall, I enjoyed reading this entry and found myself wanting more of it! The thing I liked best was how it felt topical and current, and I only wish there had been a little more meat on the bones of this story.

Thank you for the undertaking the time and effort to enter one of the site's official contests. I hope you've found this review helpful. If so, please consider paying it forward by reviewing the work of another WdC author!

Respectfully,

Jeff


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
10
10
Review by Jeff
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Banner for Winter I Write


Hello Prosperous Snow

I'm sending this review in connection with "I Write in 2020.


I really enjoyed this poem, particularly as it echoes so many of the sentiments I'm currently feeling about this past Memorial Day weekend. On the one hand, I want to honor the people who have bravely fought for this country and its freedoms, but on the other hand, it makes me sad to see others put their own personal freedoms and wants ahead of the needs of the rest of the country. It would be one thing if everyone were making a personal choice between staying home or going out and maintaining public health guidelines (wearing masks, social distancing, etc.) but it breaks my heart to see people selfishly ignoring all that guidance and taking an "all or nothing" approach to helping fight this pandemic.

Sorry for the rant, but I just wanted to say that this piece really spoke to me and inspired me. It was well written and thought-provoking. Clearly! *Laugh*

Well done!


I hope you've found this review helpful. If so, please consider paying it forward by reviewing the work of another WdC author!

Respectfully,

Jeff


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
11
11
Review by Jeff
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Banner for Winter I Write


Hello Intuey

I'm sending this review in connection with "I Write in 2020.


I really loved this piece. I thought the varied structure worked incredibly well, and the imagery was vibrant and engaging. To be honest, I'm not very well versed in poetry and I'm not sure I've seen a form like this before, where there are so many different elements interacting together. I thought it was great! I have no suggestions for improvement; I think it's perfect the way it is.


I hope you've found this review helpful. If so, please consider paying it forward by reviewing the work of another WdC author!

Respectfully,

Jeff


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
12
12
Review of Curiosity Shop  
Review by Jeff
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Banner for Winter I Write


Hello Sumojo

I'm sending this review in connection with "I Write in 2020.


You did a great job with this story! I thought your level of detail and description was excellent, and the atmosphere you created was completely immersive. Katerina was a compelling protagonist and the Curiosity Shop was a great location that really fit thematically with the rest of the piece. I wish I had some suggestions to give you for improvement, but I think this is a great piece as it is!


I hope you've found this review helpful. If so, please consider paying it forward by reviewing the work of another WdC author!

Respectfully,

Jeff


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
13
13
Review by Jeff
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Banner for Winter I Write


Hello Drake

I'm sending this review in connection with "I Write in 2020.


I really enjoyed this haiku. You impressively managed to convey a lot of the frustration and fear and apprehension about our current COVID-19 situation in comparatively few words. In a lot of ways, the brevity of this piece makes way more of an impact than some of the thousand-plus-word diatribes that others use to express their feelings about what's going on in the world. Overall, I was really wowed by this piece and think you did a great job. Well done!


I hope you've found this review helpful. If so, please consider paying it forward by reviewing the work of another WdC author!

Respectfully,

Jeff


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
14
14
Review of Measuring Cup  
Review by Jeff
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Banner for Winter I Write


Hello ♥tHiNg♥

I'm sending this review in connection with "I Write in 2020.


Looks like the tables have turned and it's my turn to review you! *Delight*

I really enjoyed this poem. It definitely delivered an unexpected line halfway through the piece. This poem definitely didn't go where I was thinking it would, and throwing in a twist is a really impressive feat with such a comparatively short piece. Your diction, structure, and presentation are all excellent, as always. It was a pleasure to read this piece!


I hope you've found this review helpful. If so, please consider paying it forward by reviewing the work of another WdC author!

Respectfully,

Jeff


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
15
15
Review of Ruby's Romeo  
Review by Jeff
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Banner for Winter I Write


Hello Odessa Molinari smiling

I'm sending this review in connection with "I Write in 2020.


First of all, I want to say that it's nice to have the chance to review a non-poetry item for I Write! *Laugh*

I think you did a good job with this piece, overall. The content of the individual vignettes was good; the presentation was simple and straightforward, and the interactions between Ruby and Roscoe were realistic. The flow of the piece felt a little choppy due to the relatively short scenes separated with section breaks, and the story felt like it ended rather abruptly, but I think there's a lot of potential here, especially with the character dynamics of a generous caregiver's intentions being misunderstood. Overall, I enjoyed the read.


I hope you've found this review helpful. If so, please consider paying it forward by reviewing the work of another WdC author!

Respectfully,

Jeff


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
16
16
Review by Jeff
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Banner for Winter I Write


Hello Prosperous Snow

I'm sending this review in connection with "I Write in 2020.


This was a wonderful, very succinct poem that accurately expresses the frustration of our current situation. A lot of people are starting to get a little stir-crazy with being forced to shelter in place, and your poem did a great job in just a few words, of capturing that frustration and sense of anxiety. Only one small technical note; I think you're xlink WML is broken as it doesn't provide an actual link to the Tanaga form. Other than that, I thought this was a fantastic piece. Well done!


I hope you've found this review helpful. If so, please consider paying it forward by reviewing the work of another WdC author!

Respectfully,

Jeff


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
17
17
Review by Jeff
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Banner for Winter I Write


Hello Prosperous Snow

I'm sending this review in connection with "I Write in 2020.

Freestyle poetry is definitely not my strong suit, so forgive the simplicity of this review. Overall, I thought it was a really sophisticated piece with great use of language and a flowing, well-paced structure. I liked the emotion in the piece, and the context you provided in the notes at the bottom to give the reader more information. Nice work!

I hope you've found this review helpful. If so, please consider paying it forward by reviewing the work of another WdC author!

Respectfully,

Jeff


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
18
18
for entry "Randy the Leprechaun
Review by Jeff
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Banner for Winter I Write


Hello Prosperous Snow

I'm sending this review in connection with "I Write in 2020.


I really enjoyed this limerick. This is one of my favorite types of poetry (perhaps because I'm a fan of bawdy humor and short reads? *BigSmile*), and thought you did a great job with this piece. I could very clearly picture Randy the liquored-up leprechaun and just how drunk he'd have to be to mistake a skunk for a piece of candy. *Laugh*

Overall, I thought the technical execution of this poem was quite good, with good visuals and an effective structure and choice of rhymes. Nicely done!


I hope you've found this review helpful. If so, please consider paying it forward by reviewing the work of another WdC author!

Respectfully,

Jeff


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
19
19
Review of Wheel of Fortune  
for entry "February 4, 2020
Review by Jeff
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Banner for Winter I Write


Hello ridinghhood--p. boutilier

I'm sending this review in connection with "I Write in 2020.

I really enjoyed this poem, particularly the amount of imagery you were able to fit into a scant 24 syllables, and the fact that it was such a topical poem about the most recent Super Bowl halftime show this past Sunday. Great use of the word prompt (I'm assuming that's why the word "chisel" is in bold), and I like the fact that the poem was structured with short lines of only a few words. All in all, a very well-done poem. Nice work!

I hope you've found this review helpful. If so, please consider paying it forward by reviewing the work of another WdC author!

Respectfully,

Jeff


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
20
20
Review of About Me  
Review by Jeff
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Click the image to join us and review your own meal!


Hello Kev

This review is being sent as part of the "Talent Pond New Year Review Dinner Party.


         *Penb* Premise.

I really like the fact that you took the time to write a short autobiography to introduce yourself to people on this site; it's a great way for other members of the community to get to know you and feel comfortable communicating.

         *Penb* Story.

The narrative you've presented does a great job of providing a lot of information in comparatively few words, which makes for an excellent overview, but there are a few areas which I think were glossed over a little too quickly. In particular, you mention that your being committed to a maximum security mental hospital at the age of 16 was something for which "the details aren't so much unimportant as completely misleading in what they say about me or who I am." At this point in the autobiography, though, we don't really know who you are yet, and that feels like a really significant point in your life that would benefit from a little more context to help the reader understand exactly what experience you went through. It doesn't have to be overly detailed if you're not comfortable sharing, but the line quoted above kind of teases it without saying, and I think you'd be better off either explaining or not teasing at information that won't ultimately be forthcoming in this piece.

         *Penb* Characters.

Ultimately, the "character" in the piece is you, and I think you've done a decent job of setting up your background and experiences, and given the reader a fairly clear impression of where you're at in your life. One of the things I would love to know more about are the things that inspire or excite you. There's a lot of information about what you perceive as the negative things in your life, but what are some of the things that you're passionate about or at least interested in. The only thing the reader can tell from reading this is that D&D is an interest of yours; if you're comfortable sharing more about the things you do want to connect with people about, it might be easier for them to find you when they read this piece.

         *Penb* Dialogue.

Not applicable.

         *Penb* Technical.

There's a reference in the very first sentence of the piece to your email being your D&D characters. Are you referring to the username davegreymauser? If so, you might want to call it a username since that's the more common nomenclature on the site. It is also your site email address, but I found myself a bit confused by that sentence and I think it's because I was initially uncertain what email address you were referring to until I puzzled it out a bit.

         *Penb* Overall.

I think you did a good job with this brief autobiographical essay. If you're interested in bolstering your profile on the site, I would also recommend completing the "Biography" tab of your Portfolio, which will prompt you with a bunch of questions and details that you can provide and people can read when they check out your Portfolio. That, combined with an essay item like this, is a wonderful way to introduce yourself to the other members of this site and give the a chance to get to know you a bit. Nicely done and welcome to Writing.com! *Smile*


I hope you've found this review helpful. If so, please consider paying it forward by reviewing the work of another WdC author!

Respectfully,

Jeff


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
21
21
Review by Jeff
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Click the image to join us and review your own meal!


Hello writingperson

This review is being sent as part of the "Talent Pond New Year Review Dinner Party.


         *Penb* Premise.

The intro description about an orphan passing away after leaving an important painting really piqued my interest.

         *Penb* Story.

I really like the fact that this poem told a detailed story. Each stanza was clearly laid out and moved the narrative forward clearly and concisely. The one part of the story that I felt was missing was Donnie's cause of death. The story is so specific about where he got his start and the quality of his work, but only casually mentions his death and doesn't provide much detail about it. I think there needs to be a little more context on that point.

         *Penb* Characters.

Donnie is a compelling character. He's clearly talented, has a tragic backstory, and died far too young; it's a classic recipe for a really empathetic character that the reader wants to root for and know more about.

         *Penb* Dialogue.

There was only one line of dialogue at the very end of the story, and that was a really effective way of both ending the piece and using dialogue to great effect. Dialogue is often most impactful when it's used sparingly, and you did a great job here.

         *Penb* Technical.

I'm a little confused by the switching points of view in the poem. For most of the poem it's a first person narrator who describes a seemingly personal relationship with Donnie, as the narrator is the one that Donnie asks for a kitchen curtain, and the one who packs the piece of art into a satchel after Donnie's passing... but the very last line has a "she said" attribute and I'm not sure where that third person perspective is coming from. It feels like it might be more effective if that last line also came from the first-person narrator.

Also, the last stanza has a couple of other technical errors, notably an "a,d" instead of "and," as well as "cubical" which should be "cubicle" if you're referring to the office furnishing and not "cube-shaped."

         *Penb* Overall.

I thought there was a lot of great imagery in this poem, although I was hoping for a bit more context in terms of what happened to Donnie, as well as what qualities of his art made it so remarkable at just nine years old. That said, I really enjoyed reading this piece. Nice work!


I hope you've found this review helpful. If so, please consider paying it forward by reviewing the work of another WdC author!

Respectfully,

Jeff


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
22
22
Review by Jeff
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Banner for Winter I Write


Hello Tinker

I'm sending this review in connection with "I Write in 2020.

I thought you did a great job with this poem. I have difficulty making the Terza Rima form flow effectively when I attempt it but, for the most part, I think you did a great job with it. I found a couple of the line breaks to be a little jarring ... particularly in the "I don't pretend or suggest / my lines resound and are all that" ... but I know there are a lot of restrictions on the form and structure you're able to use.

Other than that, I think your rhymes are great and the imagery you create is excellent. All in all, nice work! *Smile*

I hope you've found this review helpful. If so, please consider paying it forward by reviewing the work of another WdC author!

Respectfully,

Jeff
23
23
Review by Jeff
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Anniversary Reviews email siggie


Hello mary

Congratulations on your Writing.com account anniversary this month! I'm sending this review in honor of the occasion.


         *Peng* Premise.

To be honest, I'm not quite sure what the premise of this piece is. There are a lot of elements mentioned (racism, entertainment news, social media, underage pregnancy, rape, slavery, etc. While the last sentence of the piece (asking the reader what they're going to do about it) is somewhat clarifying, I would suggest structuring the piece so that the direction is a little clearer early on. For example, you might consider making that point at the end of the item early on as well, at least generally, so that the reader understands the specific examples you provide throughout are pieces of a larger whole, rather than the author jumping from topic to topic.

         *Peng* Technical.

There are a handful of statements in the work that don't really follow. In the first paragraph, for example, you stand that one cannot "sit there today, wherever you are and tell me you have never heard a racist comment." Is that something people have been telling you? Similarly, you state that one "cannot sit there today and tell me you have tried to stop it." From the opposite end of things, how can you be sure that the reader hasn't done something productive to combat racism? Both statements are pretty broad assertions that I'm not sure are validated by what's said in the rest of the piece.

I also noticed a handful of technical errors. In the second paragraph, it should be, "Let's take technology for example" rather than "lets." In the third paragraph, "i pad" should be "iPad."

         *Peng* Overall.

Overall, I'm intrigued by many of the parts of your item, but feel like it's lacking cohesive elements that will tie everything together. If your thesis is "What have you done or are you, the reader, going to do about these awful things happening in our world, I'd encourage you to also state that goal at the outset and build toward it throughout the piece.

I hope you've found this review helpful. If so, please consider paying it forward by reviewing the work of another WdC author!

Respectfully,

Jeff
24
24
Review by Jeff
Rated: E | (3.0)
Anniversary Reviews email siggie


Hello tyettaw

Congratulations on your Writing.com account anniversary this month! I'm sending this review in honor of the occasion.


         *Peng* Premise.

I really like the simple concept of this story. So many stories try to cram in as many plot points and twists as possible, it's nice to read a story that has a clear, focused premise that is easy to understand.

         *Peng* Story.

I know this is an incredibly short piece of writing, but one area where I felt there was room for improvement was in the story's conflict. I would have loved to have seen a little more detail and description that helped build events in the story more organically so that, rather than telling the reader that Jaxon is upset (disruptive and disrespectful, yelling, getting up from his seat, etc.), the reader could really get a chance to experience those actions happening in real time, so they become invested in Jaxon and his predicament. As it is, the reader is just an external observer being told about a series of actions but actually showing some of them could really elevate this story and make it more engaging for the reader.

         *Peng* Characters.

While we get a clear picture of Jaxon in this story, the other characters (Bradin and the teacher) aren't really afforded enough detail so that the audience can get a sense of who they are. To the extent there is an opportunity to expand the length of this piece, I think a good use of that space would be in adding a little more detail to develop both of those secondary characters.

         *Peng* Dialogue.

Jaxon's dialogue felt a little too polished and eloquent for a five year old. Lines like, "Thank you. That's my favorite story, and it always helps me feel better" are remarkably self-aware and articulate for a child of that age. I would revise his dialogue to make it read a little more age-appropriate.

         *Peng* Technical.

"He took it to his teacher, "Will you read this please?" is an incorrectly punctuated sentence. I should either be a period between "He took it to his teacher" and the question being asked, or there should be an attribution such as "He took it to his teacher and asked, ..."

         *Peng* Overall.

I enjoyed this item. I thought it was a sweet, straightforward story that was a fun read. There's definite room for improvement, but you're off to a great start. *Smile*

I hope you've found this review helpful. If so, please consider paying it forward by reviewing the work of another WdC author!

Respectfully,

Jeff
25
25
Review by Jeff
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Anniversary Reviews email siggie


Hello BlackAdder

Congratulations on your Writing.com account anniversary this month! I'm sending this review in honor of the occasion.


         *Peng* What I Liked.

You did a great job of posing some questions and food for thought for your readers. This essay went in a totally different direction than I thought and, while I found that problematic in some ways for reasons I will detail below, I also kind of like the fact that I was surprised to see where you were going with this conversation as I read it. *Smile*

Most importantly, I think this essay really highlights one of the things we struggle with as a society, which is the glorification and acceptance of bad behavior if the transgressor is seen as somehow admirable or desirable in some way, shape, or form. It definitely causes one to stop and think about ways we're affected by this dynamic.

         *Peng* What Could Be Improved.

One of the things I really struggled with in this piece is the argument at the end that the "cruelty of gossip" is the best way to counter the cruelty of someone being a jerk (i.e., one who attacks others because aggressive behavior is rewarded). After such a thought-provoking introduction and earlier part of the essay, I was personally hoping for a better takeaway than "be a (slightly different kind) of jerk right back."

I also think there's a bit of conflation going on in this essay. In the second paragraph alone you reference a person who is "so brilliant or so capable that everyone just forgives the fact that he's kind of a jerk," "rich or famous [people that] get a slap on the wrist for what might crush a poor person on the street," and attractive and/or powerful people who are impatient or brusque with the rest of us because their time is valuable. To me, those are three distinct and not necessarily overlapping personality types, which made it difficult for me to understand what type of person this essay was specifically making the case against. One could argue that a brilliant person who is kind of a jerk might not even realize they're being a jerk. There are many well-documented cases of truly brilliant minds in one field that don't have well developed social skills that can cause them to seem rude (or like a "jerk") even though no offense was actually intended.

         *Peng* Overall.

I have mixed feelings about this item as a whole. On the one hand, I think the argument would benefit from a little restructuring in order to be clearer and more persuasive. On the other hand, I'm still thinking about what you've written and will probably be mulling it over for a while, so clearly it's having some persuasive effect! *Bigsmile*

I hope you've found this review helpful. If so, please consider paying it forward by reviewing the work of another WdC author!

Respectfully,

Jeff
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