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4,098 Public Reviews Given
4,227 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I believe in constructive criticism and honesty. I can adapt my review style to fit the kind of feedback an author is looking for (e.g., developmental suggestions, fine-tuning, proofreading, etc.), but will always try to be as encouraging and helpful as possible.
I'm good at...
Plotting, characterization, dialogue, structure/pacing, and professional considerations. I can also do serviceable technical editing/proofreading, but I'm much better with developmental/creative feedback.
Favorite Genres
I read almost everything. I particularly love genre fiction (mystery/thriller and science fiction/fantasy especially) and nonfiction of all kinds.
Public Reviews
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Review of Hitching a Ride  
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Cheri Annemos -

I am reviewing your item in connection with "I Write in 2018" 

Overall, I enjoyed this poem. I thought you did a great job with the image prompt, and you created a vivid picture of the situation depicted. The only thing I really stumbled on while I was reading was the second stanza; the first and third felt very practical and grounded in reality, while the second felt a little more ethereal and metaphorical. The juxtaposition of those concepts - going from grounded to metaphorical to grounded again - was a bit jarring as I read it. That said, each of the stanzas on their own were well crafted and elegant. Nicely done! *Smile*

Thank you for the opportunity to read and critique your material. Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

Jaeff | KBtW of the Free Folk

If you're interested in checking out my work:
"Blogocentric Formulations" 
"New & Noteworthy Things" 
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252
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi LostGhost: Seeking & Learning -

I am reviewing your item in connection with "I Write in 2018" 

Overall, I think you did a great job with this story. In particular, the imagery was excellent and the dialogue helped move things along at a brisk pace. The one line that caught me up a little was in the fourth paragraph when the narrative said "...and I felt my body turning green inch by inch." I think you need a little more to describe this sensation, because green is a visual cue and you're describing a physical sensation. What does turning green feel like?

Other than that, I thought this was a strong story. Nice job! *Smile*

Thank you for the opportunity to read and critique your material. Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

Jaeff | KBtW of the Free Folk

If you're interested in checking out my work:
"Blogocentric Formulations" 
"New & Noteworthy Things" 
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253
Review of I Write 2018  
for entry "What is possible?" 
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Purple is House Florent -

I am reviewing your item in connection with "I Write in 2018" 

I thought you did a really good job with this story. Writing an engaging tale in less than 300 words is definitely not easy, and you managed to paint a vivid picture of the characters and the setting.

The one issue I had with the story was an unresolved statement in the third paragraph. You mentioned that Sam's choice to wear the rainbow-colored ribbons in her hair was a choice that your narrator understood as a deep need to feel close to her father. That a bit of an unusual statement, and one that I really wanted resolved in the story. I know 300 words is not a lot of room to play with, but that was such a stark, odd detail that I felt disappointed to not understand how rainbow-colored ribbons connected to her father by the end of the story.

Overall, I thought this was a solid entry for the DFFC. You managed to do a lot with only a few hundred words! *Smile*

Thank you for the opportunity to read and critique your material. Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

Jaeff | KBtW of the Free Folk

If you're interested in checking out my work:
"Blogocentric Formulations" 
"New & Noteworthy Things" 
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254
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Thanks for requesting a review! I appreciate the opportunity to review your item and, overall, I thought you did a really good job establishing the characters and the basic narrative. The pacing was good and kept my interest throughout.

If I had one suggestion for improvement, it would be to consider breaking up the chapters in a more definitive way. This first chapter featured multiple scenes and interactions and I couldn't help but feel like, because there was so much diverse material presented in the chapter, the chapter break itself was a little arbitrary. I would suggest breaking chapters at the natural divide between key scenes or interactions, so that each chapter is a standalone piece that just features that one interaction. By doing that, the reader will better understand the purpose and pacing of the chapter breaks rather than having them pop up at seemingly random places.

Overall, though, I thought this was a really interesting first chapter and the start of what could be a very compelling longer work. Nicely done! *Thumbsup*

I hope you've found this feedback helpful! Thank you for the opportunity to check out your item.

Keep up the good work and keep writing! *Smile*


Jaeff | KBtW of the Free Folk
Logo for Senior Moderators - small

If you're interested in checking out my work:
"New & Noteworthy Things" 
"Blogocentric Formulations" 
255
255
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Dragon*          *Dragon*          *Dragon*

*Shield6*   Greetings from Westeros!   *Shield6*


My name is Jaeff | KBtW of the Free Folk and I'm reviewing your item on behalf of House Targaryen for the "Game of Thrones"  contest. Please keep in mind that the following are only my personal opinions.

This was a really fun poem to read... and had a structure that actually makes sense to me! ABAB is about the extent of my sophistication with poetic styles. *Laugh*

I thought your imagery was great and really captured the style of flair of the steampunk genre. On top of that your word choice was sophisticated and diverse, but still managed to keep the pace of the read brisk and exciting.

I did catch two small typos:

In the first stanza, it should be “H.G. Wells’ work is done” or “H.G. Wells’s work is done,” but not “H.G. Well’s work is done” as you have it written.

And in the third stanza, it should be “Its vibrations disrupt time” (without the apostrophe).

As usual, though, the toughest criticism I can level at your poetry are a couple of typos. *Laugh* You're an excellent poet and pieces like this are exactly why. This was entertaining, well structured, and evoked strong imagery. I always learn a lot from reading your work and this piece is certainly no exception. Thanks for always teaching me something. *Smile*


I hope you've found this feedback helpful! Thank you for the opportunity to check out your item.

Keep up the good work and keep writing! *Smile*
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256
Review of Who is She?  
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
*Dragon*          *Dragon*          *Dragon*

*Shield6*   Greetings from Westeros!   *Shield6*


My name is Jaeff | KBtW of the Free Folk and I'm reviewing your item on behalf of House Targaryen for the "Game of Thrones"  contest. Please keep in mind that the following are only my personal opinions.


I thought you did a fantastic job with the description in this piece. The sensory detail and imagery in the story is excellent; as a reader I could clearly visualize and imagine everything you were describing.

One of the things I struggled with while reading this piece, though, was understanding her intention as a character. Since the title is "Who is She?" I'm assuming there's meant to be some ambiguity about her identity (which is totally fine), but I didn't get a real sense of her purpose or objective here. I know she sense that it's going to be a special day, but is she anticipating anything in particular? Is she going about her normal everyday actions, or does she react differently knowing it's going to be a special day? Some additional context clues would be really helpful in making the woman in this piece more relatable.

Also, the change in perspective at the very end of the story was a little jarring. This is such an engaging piece, where we're totally immersed in the point of view of the unnamed woman, it's a little surprising and off-putting to suddenly, at the last minute, jump into the perspective of the bus driver. Personally, I think it would be a little more effective if we stayed with her POV the entire time, up to and including the point where she's gone, at which point the story ends.


I hope you've found this feedback helpful! Thank you for the opportunity to check out your item.

Keep up the good work and keep writing! *Smile*
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257
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
*Dragon*          *Dragon*          *Dragon*

*Shield6*   Greetings from Westeros!   *Shield6*


My name is Jaeff | KBtW of the Free Folk and I'm reviewing your item on behalf of House Targaryen for the "Game of Thrones"  contest. Please keep in mind that the following are only my personal opinions.


I really liked the pace of your story. There's a lot of action packed into just a few paragraphs, which makes for a very exciting read. I enjoyed the imagination you put into the piece as well, but if there's an area where I thought there could be some improvement it would be in the presentation. There were dozens of typos and other errors in each paragraph, and it did affect the readability somewhat.

Which is not to say that there's anything wrong with that if this is a first draft and you're just trying to get the idea out on paper. If that's the case, though, you might want to make a note somewhere in the item that it's a first or rough draft, or otherwise let people know that it's not supposed to read a completely finished and polished. That's what most people reading and reviewing items here on the site will assume unless told otherwise, so if this is an early draft, it might save you some very critical reviews if you're up front about the fact that this piece is early in the writing process.

On the other hand, if this is a finished piece you're posting, I'd recommend a thorough proofread to make sure you catch the typos and errors. There's nothing wrong with the occasional oversight, but you don't want the readability of the piece to be affected. While the pacing of this piece was good, I think it could be really great once the errors are ironed out so the read is a smoother experience for the reader. *Smile*


I hope you've found this feedback helpful! Thank you for the opportunity to check out your item.

Keep up the good work and keep writing! *Smile*
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258
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
*Dragon*          *Dragon*          *Dragon*

*Shield6*   Greetings from Westeros!   *Shield6*


My name is Jaeff | KBtW of the Free Folk and I'm reviewing your item on behalf of House Targaryen for the "Game of Thrones"  contest. Please keep in mind that the following are only my personal opinions.


Overall, I really enjoyed this story. I thought you did a good job with the detail and description, particular the visuals that the narrator experiences. I do have a couple of suggestions, however.

First, I would recommend delaying the reveal that the person tucking him in is not his mother. When you reveal it in the first paragraph, it takes away from the suspense and foreboding in the following paragraphs. I think it would be more effective and suspenseful to play that out a little by mentioning that the rustle of covers woke him, that he assumes it's mom come to apologize after the earlier argument, he must have dozed off and now she's back to make up... and BOOM, that's when he realizes that the person standing over his bed is not actually his mother. By playing with the delayed payoff of a story moment,
you can really build up the tension.

Second, I would do the same thing with the grandmother. He thinks it's his grandmother, he describes his grandmother, and then you lay it on the audience at the very end that she's been dead for 10 years. The more you can play with the reveal of information, the better you can stretch out the suspense and toy with your readers. *Smile*

Finally, I would try to tie the ending into the beginning a little more. I really loved the sentiment of the last line... that when the darkness visits, one is drawn to look closer at the shadows... but I was hoping there would be a bit more of a reason for it. An explanation of why this is happening to the narrator. Early on in the story, it's unclear what the argument is about, but I think you have a really great opportunity to tie the nightmare he experiences into his earlier actions. What if, for instance, he's having the nightmare and the darkness is coming for him because he willfully did something bad and is now experiencing the consequences? Any time you can find a way to add some resonance to the actions and experiences your characters undergo, I think it adds an extra layer of meaning for an audience.


I hope you've found this feedback helpful! Thank you for the opportunity to check out your item.

Keep up the good work and keep writing! *Smile*
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259
Review of We Know Very Well  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Claude H. A. Simpson -

I'm participating in the "Note: TWO DAY CHALLENGE : Scavenger Hunt ...", for which one of the challenges is to review a poem by a member with more than five poems in their portfolio. This poem caught my eye, so I thought I'd send you a quick review to let you know that I really enjoyed this piece. I'm not particularly well-versed in poetry, but I thought the poem was well-structured, elegant, and really did a great job of highlighting the fact that we have no way of knowing where we'll ultimately end up, and that the only thing we can really do in this life is the best we can to make the right choices when faced with the opportunity to do so.

I don't think we've ever crossed paths on the site before, I'm glad that I had the opportunity to read your work and get to know a little about your voice as a writer. Nice work!

Best regards,

Jaeff | KBtW of the Free Folk
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Review of She Let Them In  
In affiliation with The Dark Society  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Logo for The Dark Society's Valentine's Day Review Massacre


Hi Jen~ -

This review is being sent in connection with "The Dark Society" 's "Valentine's Day Review Massacre"  activity. We're trying to do our part for the dark genres of Writing.Com by conducting a review raid on the most romantic day of the year! With that in mind, I've enclosed the following feedback about your item:

I enjoyed the imagery in this poem. I thought you did a good job with the description and the pacing, although I did think that the punctuation and capitalization felt a little off. While the use of punctuation is a personal choice on the part of the poet, there seemed to be some definite places where you were ending one sentiment and starting another, often with the use of a capital letter at the beginning of that next line. In those cases, I would recommend some kind of punctuation at the end of the previous line, just to help establish that the form you've chosen and the progression of your words call for a pause at those specific places. Without the accompanying punctuation, the erratic capitalization felt a little jarring. That formatting/structural issue aside, I really enjoyed the content of the poem and thought it was a solid Dark Dreamscapes entry. Nice work! *Smile*

I hope this review has been constructive, and thank you for the opportunity to read your work! Please also remember these comments are the opinion of one person and, as the author, it's up to you to decide which feedback to utilize. Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

- Jaeff | KBtW of the Free Folk

If you're interested in checking out my work:
"Blogocentric Formulations" 
"New & Noteworthy Things" 
Community Activities ▼
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261
In affiliation with The Dark Society  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Logo for The Dark Society's Valentine's Day Review Massacre


Hi 💙 Carly -

This review is being sent in connection with "The Dark Society" 's "Valentine's Day Review Massacre"  activity. We're trying to do our part for the dark genres of Writing.Com by conducting a review raid on the most romantic day of the year! With that in mind, I've enclosed the following feedback about your item:

This was a really, really good poem. I appreciate the fact that your verses are complex and have a lot going on in them; so much poetry involves short, staccato lines... it was refreshing to see one that isn't afraid to include more than four or five words on a line to really pack in the imagery and nuance. I thought this poem was a great take on the image prompt, and I love that you included it in your entry to share with the reader. Overall, I really enjoyed this read. Well done! *Smile*

I hope this review has been constructive, and thank you for the opportunity to read your work! Please also remember these comments are the opinion of one person and, as the author, it's up to you to decide which feedback to utilize. Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

- Jaeff | KBtW of the Free Folk

If you're interested in checking out my work:
"Blogocentric Formulations" 
"New & Noteworthy Things" 
Community Activities ▼
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262
Review of Sinister Smiles  
In affiliation with The Dark Society  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Jo -

I thought you did a great job with this story. It was creepy, well written, and made great use of the prompt. I apologize for taking so long to get to this review, but I hope the wait was worth it, because this is my pick for the best entry of the round! *Bigsmile* The only suggestion I would make is to consider switching it over to a static item... or at least choosing to create static items in the future. A campfire is traditionally for multiple users to collaborate on a story together; static items are traditionally what's used for short stories written by a single author.

I'm going to hold off on the Awardicon until I hear back from you (in case you want to change the item type and would prefer the new item be the one awarded), but your merit badge and GPs are on the way! Congratulations! *Smile*

I hope this review has been constructive, and thank you for the opportunity to read your work! Please also remember these comments are the opinion of one person and, as the author, it's up to you to decide which feedback to utilize. Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

Jaeff | KBtW of the Free Folk

If you're interested in checking out my work:
"Blogocentric Formulations" 
"New & Noteworthy Things" 
Community Activities ▼


A new banner for The Dark Society.
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263
Review of Off Politics  
In affiliation with The Dark Society  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi NuThu -

I'm very sorry for the delay in reading your entry for the Sinister Stories Contest. Although it's currently on hiatus due to lack of free time on my part, I wanted to make sure that I got caught up on overdue reviews. I'm certainly glad I did, because this was an excellent story! I really enjoyed the entire read and thought you did a great job. Unfortunately you were the only qualifying entry during your round of the contest, but I'm including some GPs here as a consolation prize to show my appreciation for you taking the time to write such a compelling story. Thank you so much!

I hope this review has been constructive, and thank you for the opportunity to read your work! Please also remember these comments are the opinion of one person and, as the author, it's up to you to decide which feedback to utilize. Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

Jaeff | KBtW of the Free Folk

If you're interested in checking out my work:
"Blogocentric Formulations" 
"New & Noteworthy Things" 
Community Activities ▼


A new banner for The Dark Society.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of Decay  
In affiliation with The Dark Society  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hi Kei-chan -

This was a fun flash fiction horror story. I liked the twist at the end when you revealed that the narrator of the story wasn't quite what s/he (or the audience) originally thought, and the level of detail and description in the story was effective for such a short piece. Unfortunately, this story didn't post a word count anywhere in the item (which was a requirement for the contest), and didn't even mention the prompt for the January round, which was to feature something beneath the ice during a day of ice skating. *Frown* I enjoy your horror writing and would love to see a qualified entry eligible for judging in a future round. *Smile*

I hope this review has been constructive, and thank you for the opportunity to read your work! Please also remember these comments are the opinion of one person and, as the author, it's up to you to decide which feedback to utilize. Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

Jaeff | KBtW of the Free Folk

If you're interested in checking out my work:
"Blogocentric Formulations" 
"New & Noteworthy Things" 
Community Activities ▼


A new banner for The Dark Society.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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265
In affiliation with Unofficial Erotica Newsletter ...  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
A new logo image for the UENG, created December 2013.


Hi SkyHawk - Into The Music -

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following "Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"  review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that these comments are only my own opinions.

WHAT I LIKED

I enjoyed the pacing, the flow, and the imagery of this poem. It was long, which you warned about in the intro, but I don't think it was unduly so. You might be able to edit out a handful of stanzas in the interest of streamlining the whole poem, but I think it worked as a longform poem and it was certainly evocative and erotic.


SUGGESTIONS FOR IMPROVEMENT

One of the big issues I had with the poem were that it seemed like sometimes there was a rhyme scheme and sometimes there wasn't. It led to a bit of frustration at feeling like I should see some kind of pattern that wasn't already there. Especially in a piece where you are mixing forms and having some lines rhyme and others not, you may want to mention that so the reader doesn't think that you're making form-related mistakes in the piece.

The other suggestion I have is to give the whole poem a thorough edit for extraneous words. This is a piece that seems to work best with a few impactful words rather than lots of excess or unnecessary ones, and there are several points where I think you could remove words without significantly altering the meaning of the line. For example:

         *Bullet* "She came here with a goal"
         *Bullet* "What be that price? She wonders"
         *Bullet* "Kneeling in this darkened room she is"
         *Bullet* "Feeling [His] powerful gaze that is His"


OVERALL IMPRESSIONS

Overall, I really enjoyed this erotic poem. I don't read erotic poetry too often, but I think you did a great job at creating a vivid, entertaining, sensual poem. It would be my pleasure to feature it in the next UEN!


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material; keep up the good work and keep writing!


Jeff

Please check out these groups:
"The Screenwriting Group" 
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group" 
"The Dark Society" 


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi Shara-vacationing till Feb 20 -

Thank you for sending me a review request! It's my pleasure to be able to enclose the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that these comments are only my own opinions.


It's difficult to make general comments on your writing style from just a few hundred words, but overall, I think you did a good job with the detail and description. You were clearly able to use sensory input to your full advantage and created vibrant imagery in just a few short paragraphs. I didn't get much of a sense of the characters, though.

The one suggestion I would make is to make sure the internal emotions of the narrator match the style with which you're writing. The scene you're depicting is told from the narrator's perspective in a relaxed, after-the-fact, satisfied kind of tone. We get the impression that this is a moment of tranquility and peace... but then the fourth paragraph talks about how her heartbeat is elevated and that she's getting the sensation of butterflies, which are typically anxious feelings that produce the opposite effect in someone. If we're in the same "post-coital" moment, it creates a conflicting tone to one moment be talking about how relaxed everything is, and then in the next moment portray your same narrator as nervous and edgy (even if it's in a good way).

I thought you did a good job with that twist at the end, although the "had I just sinned?" line could be improved. I think it's pretty clear that she's just sinned if she's with one man when she gets a text message from another who happens to be her husband. I think it might be more effective to go with the traditional "what have I done?" or perhaps something that isn't necessarily about questioning the morality of what she's done as much as questioning where she'll go from here. Perhaps, "Oh Dear God, how will I live with myself now?" or "Oh Dear God, what do I do now?" or "Oh Dear God, Ryan can never know about this."

Overall, I enjoyed the read and I think you've done a great job with the physical description in a scene. You write clearly and evocatively, and I think you did a good job on this short piece.


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material; keep up the good work and keep writing!


Jeff
Logo for Senior Moderators - small

Please check out these groups:
"The Screenwriting Group" 
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group" 
"The Dark Society" 


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Hi Danza -

Thank you for sending me a review request! It's my pleasure to be able to enclose the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that these comments are only my own opinions.

Overall, I think this is a wonderful tribute to your grandfather. The reader really gets a sense of how much he meant to you and your family, and you did an excellent job providing details that help readers feel like they get to know him a little. I have just a couple of relatively small suggestions for your consideration:

In the second paragraph, the line "We'd all sit around as the teetering stacks of presents grew before our eyes" is a little ambiguous. Do you mean that as presents are pulled out from under the tree (or elsewhere) and stacked in front of each person that the individual stacks grew? I mention this because I think there needs to be a little clarity; it sounds as if the actual number of presents in the room total is increasing magically somehow. I assume you're referring to the stacks of presents being passed out, but it might be worth clarifying since not everyone opens presents the same way... and for those of us who open one at a time, or don't otherwise subdivide them first, it might help to be clearer what you mean about "stacks of presents [growing] before [your] eyes." *Smile*

I would have loved to have read an explanation for why your family opens presents on Christmas Eve when your grandfather opens his on Christmas. It seems like most traditions get passed down through the generations relatively intact (my family, for example, always opens them on Christmas Day... because that was how my parents did it... and that's how their parents did it; my wife's family, on the other hand, opens them on Christmas Eve... because that was how her parents did it... and that's how their parents did it). It would be a fascinating addition to the story to know why your grandfather has a different tradition from everyone else (and when/why it changed).

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material; keep up the good work and keep writing!


Jeff
Logo for Senior Moderators - small

Please check out these groups:
"The Screenwriting Group" 
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group" 
"The Dark Society" 


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of Attention Adults  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hi EllisRosser -

Thank you for sending me a review request! It's my pleasure to be able to enclose the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that these comments are only my own opinions.

I'm certainly no expert in poetry, so please take everything with a grain of salt. *Wink* Overall, I enjoyed your poem and thought you did a great job portraying the point of view of the younger generation speaking to older ones about how they perceive being seen. I think the disclaimer at the bottom is a nice touch that lets the reader know you're taking a narrative point of view but also acknowledging that not everyone is the same. Your "abcb" rhyme scheme was good, but there were a couple of lines that I felt didn't quite rhyme as well as the others, particularly in the fourth stanza (criminal & miracle) and the fifth stanza (moods & rude). The former almost rhymes (but not quite), and the plural vs. non-plural in the latter throws the rhyme off just a bit. Other than that, I thought you did a good job with this piece and I think you've got the foundation of a really strong piece of poetry here. Nice work!

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material; keep up the good work and keep writing!


Jeff
Logo for Senior Moderators - small

Please check out these groups:
"The Screenwriting Group" 
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group" 
"The Dark Society" 


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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269
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Lynda Miller -

Thank you for sending me a review request! It's my pleasure to be able to enclose the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that these comments are only my own opinions.

First of all, I'm terribly sorry for the delay in sending this review. Things at work and heading into the holidays got a little crazy and I just plain forgot that I needed to get this review done. I hope there's still time to edit before the contest deadline or, if not, that you'll accept my humble apology for such a long wait for this review. *Blush*

In the first paragraph, the last sentence has quite a few extra commas that I don't think you need:

When spring and summer comes, the beauty of the trees putting on their leaves and the wild flowers popping up, gives an artist and photographer like me, all the floral, fauna and animals to photograph and paint.

Also in that sentence, "fauna" literally means "the animals of a particular region, habitat, or geological period," so you don't need to say "fauna and animals to photograph" since that's redundant. The term "flora and fauna" cover pretty much every plant and animal in a general area, so there's no need to expand past that. *Smile*

As a personal preference, I would probably call Skeeter "a cross between an Irish Wolfhound and St. Bernard" (rather than "Beethoven") as some readers may be unfamiliar with the film franchise featuring that particular dog breed.

There's a slight tense change in these sentences:

"As I lay there, Skeeter managed to crawled to my side and licked my face."

"I have to keep my hands [bandaged] for quite some time and there will be surgeries in the near future."

I enjoyed the story and thought it made for a compelling tale. If there were one overall suggestion for improvement I could make, it would be to add a little more urgency to the scene with the bear attack. The whole story was rather even-keeled in terms of its telling (which can be a problem with narratives that recount stories in the past), and the presentation of the bear attack felt a little matter-of-fact, without the passion and intensity I would expect to find someone as they retell an anecdote about they time they almost got mauled to death by a bear. I would have loved to read that scene with a greater sense of urgency and danger. The reader obviously knows the narrator lives through the ordeal (since there's a journal entry to read about it!), but I would perhaps spend a little more time focusing on the immediacy of the moment and the fear and thoughts that were going through the narrator's mind during the attack so that the audience gets an appropriate sense of apprehension and dread as the bear attack unfolds.

Other than that, I thought you did a great job with this story. The narrator was an interesting, compelling character and the narrative kept my interest all the way through. Nice work! *Smile*


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material; keep up the good work and keep writing!


Jeff
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270
270
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
Journey Through Genres: Official Contest  [E]
Write a short story in the given genre to win big prizes!
by Writing.Com Support

*Pentagram* Official Judges' Review *Pentagram*


Hi QueenOwl ~ A New Day Dawns -

I had a chance to read your item today as a judge for the "Journey Through Genres: Official Contest"  official contest, and have enclosed the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that these comments are only my own opinions.


CREATIVE ELEMENTS

You did a great job with the characters in this story. I thought they were all well developed and interesting, and you created an engaging narrative that really captured this reader's attention from start to finish. That said, I did think that this piece only really used the "occult" genre prompt in a peripheral way that didn't have much of an appearance in or bearing on the story until the very end. I would have liked to have seen a little more integration of the prompt throughout the story.


TECHNICAL ELEMENTS

I couldn't find any technical errors in need of improvement. *Thumbsup*


OVERALL

Overall, I thought this was an intriguing story with a clear and well established set of characters and narrative. Nice work!


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material; keep up the good work and keep writing!


Jeff

Please check out these items:
"The Screenwriting Group" 
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group" 
"The Dark Society" 


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
271
271
Review of The Premonition  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Journey Through Genres: Official Contest  [E]
Write a short story in the given genre to win big prizes!
by Writing.Com Support

*Pentagram* Official Judges' Review *Pentagram*


Hi billwilcox -

I had a chance to read your item today as a judge for the "Journey Through Genres: Official Contest"  official contest, and have enclosed the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that these comments are only my own opinions.


CREATIVE ELEMENTS

This was a delightfully creepy story with a great ending. The story flowed well and built to an inevitable and yet still surprising conclusion. I would have loved to have read a little more detail about the dream state and what happened to Joe that led to his having the premonition, but you did a great job with everything, including the description and imagery, which were just enough to create a vivid picture in this reader's mind without slowing down the pace of the narrative.


TECHNICAL ELEMENTS

No technical errors that I could find. *Thumbsup*


OVERALL

Overall, I thought this was a great horror/occult story that kept me riveted from beginning to end. Well done!


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material; keep up the good work and keep writing!


Jeff

Please check out these items:
"The Screenwriting Group" 
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group" 
"The Dark Society" 


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
272
272
Review of One dark night  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Journey Through Genres: Official Contest  [E]
Write a short story in the given genre to win big prizes!
by Writing.Com Support

*Pentagram* Official Judges' Review *Pentagram*


Hi cambusken -

I had a chance to read your item today as a judge for the "Journey Through Genres: Official Contest"  official contest, and have enclosed the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that these comments are only my own opinions.


CREATIVE ELEMENTS

I thought you did a great job coming up with a clever twist at the end of the story to take it in an unexpected direction. The characters were interesting and the setup you put them in immediately grabbed this reader's attention.


TECHNICAL ELEMENTS

The story felt a little light on the "occult" genre prompt. Overall there didn't seem to be much emphasis on magic or the supernatural other than a very brief moment where they think they see a monster (and it actually turns out to be something decidedly ordinary by comparison). I would have loved to have seen the occult genre aspect worked into the story a bit more, perhaps - for example - by having the characters discuss some legend or scary story while they wander through the woods.


OVERALL

Overall, I thought this was an entertaining story with a satisfying ending. I don't think that it was necessarily the best fit for the prompt, but as a standalone story independent of the contest, I really enjoyed the read. Nice work! *Smile*


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material; keep up the good work and keep writing!


Jeff

Please check out these items:
"The Screenwriting Group" 
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group" 
"The Dark Society" 


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
273
273
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Journey Through Genres: Official Contest  [E]
Write a short story in the given genre to win big prizes!
by Writing.Com Support

*Pentagram* Official Judges' Review *Pentagram*


Hi Oldwarrior -

I had a chance to read your item today as a judge for the "Journey Through Genres: Official Contest"  official contest, and have enclosed the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that these comments are only my own opinions.


CREATIVE ELEMENTS

I really loved your take on the prompt. You came up with a unique, interesting take on the prompt and the story held my interest all the way through. One of the most fascinating things about occult stories (at least for me) is the mythology that history that goes into the supernatural or magical elements that are depicted... and you did a fantastic job making yours engaging and compelling. Your character development of Father Joe was also well done.


TECHNICAL ELEMENTS

No technical errors that I could find. *Thumbsup*


OVERALL

Overall, I wish I had some suggestions for improvement, but I think you did a great job with this story. You took the occult genre prompt and turned it into a compelling story that was a quick, easy, engaging read. Well done!


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material; keep up the good work and keep writing!


Jeff

Please check out these items:
"The Screenwriting Group" 
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group" 
"The Dark Society" 


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
274
274
Review of Ricky  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Journey Through Genres: Official Contest  [E]
Write a short story in the given genre to win big prizes!
by Writing.Com Support

*Pentagram* Official Judges' Review *Pentagram*


Hi Kotaro -

I had a chance to read your item today as a judge for the "Journey Through Genres: Official Contest"  official contest, and have enclosed the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that these comments are only my own opinions.


CREATIVE ELEMENTS

I like your take on the prompt. The ending made it all the more creepy and potentially supernatural/magical in origin, so I really think it worked for the prompt. Your characters were interesting and the narrative was engaging. All in all, this was a solid entry.


TECHNICAL ELEMENTS

No technically errors that I could find.


OVERALL

Overall, I thought this was a good entry for the contest. It followed the prompt, was engaging to read, and kept my interest from start to finish. Even though it was significantly less than the allowed word count, I think the brevity works well in this case. Nice job!


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material; keep up the good work and keep writing!


Jeff

Please check out these items:
"The Screenwriting Group" 
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group" 
"The Dark Society" 


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
275
275
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Journey Through Genres: Official Contest  [E]
Write a short story in the given genre to win big prizes!
by Writing.Com Support

*Pentagram* Official Judges' Review *Pentagram*


Hi Shannon -

I had a chance to read your item today as a judge for the "Journey Through Genres: Official Contest"  official contest, and have enclosed the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that these comments are only my own opinions.


CREATIVE ELEMENTS

I really loved this story; I thought you did a great job coming up with a take on the prompt that prominently features the occult genre throughout the story. All of the characters were fun and interesting, and the story moved along nicely all the way and through the ending, which was a little surprising and entirely satisfying.


TECHNICAL ELEMENTS

No spelling or grammatical errors that I could find. *Thumbsup*


OVERALL

Overall, I wish I had some suggestions for improvement, but I think you did an excellent job with this story just the way it is. It was well-written, entertaining, and I didn't want it to end! *Bigsmile*


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material; keep up the good work and keep writing!


Jeff

Please check out these items:
"The Screenwriting Group" 
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group" 
"The Dark Society" 


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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