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3,802 Public Reviews Given
Review Style
I balance my reviews by commenting both on what worked and suggestions for improvement. I evaluate material as honestly and objectively as possible, while still being positive and supportive. I can adapt my review style to fit the kind of feedback an author is looking for (e.g., tough love, encouragement, alternative suggestions, etc.).
I'm good at...
Structure, pacing, characterization, plotting, dialogue, and considerations for the professional marketplace. I'm okay at technical editing but much better with broader creative considerations.
Favorite Genres
Action/Adventure, Mystery/Crime/Thriller, Science Fiction/Fantasy
Least Favorite Genres
Nonsense/Experimental Prose
Favorite Item Types
Short stories, novels, essays and other nonfiction writing on a variety of topics.
Least Favorite Item Types
Poetry. (I'm not as familiar with poetic forms as I am with prose.)
I will not review...
Insincere writing. I typically put a lot of thought and effort into my reviews, so I try to focus my efforts on authors who are serious about improving their work. Beyond that, no genre is too weird, no content rating is too high, no form or length is too daunting. I'm open to anything.
Public Reviews
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251
251
Review of useless  
Review by Jeff
In affiliation with Noticing Newbies Committee  
Rated: E | (2.5)

Hi six feet under -

I noticed you're relatively new to Writing.Com and I wanted to take a moment to welcome you to the community by checking out your port and sending a review your way. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.


Overall, I like the idea of this piece, but I think the execution could use some improvement. I love the fact that you point out how we can sometimes see the same flawed things as either useless or almost complete... a positive and negative spin on the same thing in the same condition.

I did have a hard time connecting the dots, though, between that concept and the larger meaning you're trying to present. Are you trying to argue that you see yourself as nearly complete whereas other people think you're useless? If that's the case, I'd love to see a little more exploration of that concept and more of a connection to what you're experiencing.

One small technical error I noticed: "One who walks around with my heart in there chest" is actually a combination of different sentence subjects. It should be "I am one who walks around with my heart in my chest" or "One who walks around with one's heart in his or her chest" or "One who walks around with his or her heart in his or her chest." It should actually be 'their' instead of 'there', but 'their' is also a plural and I think you just mean yourself or some "one" in this case. *Smile*

Overall, I think it's a great start. With some practice and rewriting, I think this could be an excellent piece... you've got a great foundation, though! *Bigsmile*


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material, and welcome to Writing.Com. If you need any help with anything, please feel free to contact me anytime.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,


Jeff
noticing newbies committee sig

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group
"The Dark Society
"The Book of Jeff


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
252
252
Review of Fashion Statement  
Review by Jeff
In affiliation with Noticing Newbies Committee  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

Hi T.Wrage -

I noticed you're relatively new to Writing.Com and I wanted to take a moment to welcome you to the community by checking out your port and sending a review your way. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.


Overall, I thought this was a well-written piece that highlights the importance of image issues in our society, even among people who are considered by others (and consider themselves) good looking. I thought you did a good job of depicting the difference between how your character looked on the outside, compared with how she felt on the inside.

Just a quick, very small note... black coffee actually does have calories in it, albeit just one or two per cup. The more accurate sentence should therefore be something along the lines of "It had to be black; fewer calories in that."


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material, and welcome to Writing.Com. If you need any help with anything, please feel free to contact me anytime.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,


Jeff
noticing newbies committee sig

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group
"The Dark Society
"The Book of Jeff


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
253
253
Review by Jeff
In affiliation with RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group  
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)

Hi ANN Counselor, Lesbian & Happy -

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following review on behalf of "RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group for your consideration. Please keep in mind that these comments are only the opinion of one person.


As with your other work, I really love that fact that so many of your items deal with the tough issues surrounding the LGBT community and are designed to show the people in that community as human beings with real feelings and struggles related to their identity, especially when it comes to their treatment by close-minded people who can't accept who they are.

While reading this item, a couple things stuck out to me:

The story takes place in Portland and involves the characters going to baseball games... and yet, Portland doesn't have a widely-recognized baseball team, per se. I know this item was originally written back in 2006 when the Triple-A Padres affiliate (the Portland Beavers) were still in the city... and the suburb of Hillsboro now has the Hillsboro Hops, a Short-Season A affiliate of the Diamondbacks... but I don't think that's information the average reader would immediately recognize. I think most readers would probably have my initial reaction, which is, "Wait, Portland doesn't have a baseball team!" *Worry* To address that issue, I would probably either change the sport they attend to something more recognizable like the Portland Trail Blazers NBA basketball team, or I would clarify somewhere in the story that the game they're attending is a professional farm team to alleviate the confusion. I grew up in a town with a Triple-A affiliate baseball team and even though that team was only one step below the majors, I used to spend so much time trying to explain to people when they would say, "There's no baseball team there!" I found it much less confusing and much easier to just clarify that it was not a major-league team than to leave the ambiguity in there and potentially confuse your audience.

The other issue I had was a more writing-specific suggestion, which is to pare down the dialogue at the baseball game a little and spend less time emphasizing the point you're trying to make. I know that might seem counter-intuitive when you're specifically trying to get a point across, but when every line of dialogue is laden with your message, it can be overpowering, redundant, come off as unrealistic dialogue from your characters. In the first part of your story (the baseball game), Paul and Sam have fifteen sixteen spoken parts between them, thirteen of which (the three exceptions being when Sam buys the hot dogs, when Sam indicates where they're seated, and when Sam calls Paul a "classy dame") specifically discuss Paul's state of mind, his appreciation for Sam's support, Sam's friendship, etc. Paul thanks Sam for being his friend and sticking with him while he dresses like a woman when they give their tickets to the staffer at the front gate... and again after the Star-Spangled Banner... and again when Sam passes Paul a hot dog... and again after the bully calls Paul a "girlie man." Repetition can be a powerful and effective tool in writing, but when it's overused (as it tended to feel in this piece), it can sometimes have an adverse effect of making the dialogue feel forced, unrealistic, and tedious to read. I would suggest paring down the dialogue and having a more naturalistic conversation between the two. Only mention each salient point (how good a friend Sam is, how long they've been friends, how Paul feels like a woman inside, etc.) once and fill the conversation space in between with dialogue that doesn't specifically push your agenda forward. I think you'll find that even without hammering the point home with every line of dialogue, the audience will still understand and appreciate the point you're making, while also being able to appreciate the lively and realistic dialogue exchange between engaging characters. *Smile*


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material; keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,


SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group
"The Dark Society
"The Book of Jeff


RAOK's logo image.  This is a shared image, so feel free to use its item number.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
254
254
Review of Jesus Is Lord  
Review by Jeff
Rated: E | (4.0)

Hi Yellow Rose -

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that these comments are only the opinion of one person.


I think you did a good job with this item. Your message comes across very well and and it's accessible and easy to understand. I did notice two typos ... "stillborn" is one word, and "my heart was having trouble understanding why" should end with a period rather than a question mark since it's a declarative sentence. But other than that, I thought this was a very strong piece that clearly gets across the point you wanted to make. Nice work! *Smile*


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material; keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,


SoCalScribe
Logo for Senior Moderators - small

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group
"The Dark Society
"The Book of Jeff


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
255
255
Review by Jeff
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)

Hi Earthenware_Haven -

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that these comments are only the opinion of one person.


The concept behind this story was interesting and engaging. The kind of supernatural activity described in the story is instantly identifiable and familiar to even the most casual fan of the horror genre, and I think you did a good job coming up with a plot that played to those strengths.

I did feel like there were a few points in the story that were a little unclear, though. Specifically, the description at the very end of not having any ground behind the house confused me. Is the house literally right up against the edge of a cliff, or is it floating in the air? Does the property back right up to another house or is there a wall of some kind? It was difficult to understand how no one could walk by the children's bedroom windows because "there was no ground behind the house, not even an inch." I think it might be better to explain things in terms that are clearly more bizarre and/or supernatural. For example, "At our house it would have been impossible for any person to stand or walk by my children's bedroom windows. Those windows are on the second floor." Or, "At our house it would have been impossible for any person to stand or walk by my children's bedroom windows. Those windows look out over the sheer cliff that our property is backed up against."

I would have also liked to have seen the children's claims introduced a little earlier in the story. It's much more effective if your protagonist hears the claims and dismisses them rather than merely saying, "They had been telling the truth all along" and then introducing new information to the reader. If you can somehow work the idea that the children see these things before the reveal, it will pay off better for the reader.

Other than that, I think this is a really strong start. Nice work! *Smile*


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material; keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,


SoCalScribe
Logo for Senior Moderators - small

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group
"The Dark Society
"The Book of Jeff


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
256
256
Review by Jeff
Rated: E | (3.0)

Hi Fancy -

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that these comments are only the opinion of one person.


This was a very engaging and compelling read with a great message. Whether someone is acting in pursuit of a bible study and the spread of Christianity, or just someone who wants to make a difference, I think there is great value and wisdom to the advice that we shouldn't forget about the elderly segment of the population, as so many of them are interesting individuals with amazing stories to tell.

From a formatting perspective, I think it might be a little more effective if you were to move the anecdote about the ringing phone to the end of the piece, so that you can make a case for the need to do this and follow it with "and that's how easy it is" rather than vice versa.

Nice work! *Smile*


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material; keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,


SoCalScribe
Logo for Senior Moderators - small

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group
"The Dark Society
"The Book of Jeff


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
257
257
Review by Jeff
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

Hi Fangus -

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that these comments are only the opinion of one person.


This was a really thought-provoking piece. I loved the title, which both catches the eye and is related to the court case you presented in the article. Your passion for the subject is clear, and you did a particularly good job of providing enough relevant details for the audience to understand the situation rather than just hearing someone give an opinion on details they're unfamiliar with. *Thumbsup*

I happen to live in a state where texting and driving is illegal and, while I do admit that I'll glance at my phone from time to time when the car is stopped at a light and not moving... it boggles my mind that some people think they're in enough control of their vehicles to spend time looking at their screen and pushing buttons while traveling 40-70+ miles per hour! *Shock* In regards to prosecution, I think people need to be held accountable for the choices they make. If someone chooses to text and drive and that choice costs someone else his or her life, they should absolutely be held accountable for those choices, just like other offenders (drug dealers, murderers, kidnappers, etc.) should be held accountable for their actions.

Thanks for the thought-provoking piece!


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material; keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,


SoCalScribe
Logo for Senior Moderators - small

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group
"The Dark Society
"The Book of Jeff


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
258
258
Review of Flight  
Review by Jeff
In affiliation with Noticing Newbies Committee  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)

Hi Anneliese Vanderbilt -

I noticed you're relatively new to Writing.Com and I wanted to take a moment to welcome you to the community by checking out your port and sending a review your way. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.


I really enjoyed this story. I thought you did a great job with all of the characterization, and your narrative moved along smoothly and effortlessly. The dialogue was effective and there was a good amount of detail and description. I thought that the transitions were a little rough at each section break, but other than that I really enjoyed the piece and thought you did a great job. Nicely done! *Bigsmile*


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material, and welcome to Writing.Com. If you need any help with anything, please feel free to contact me anytime.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,


SoCalScribe
noticing newbies committee sig

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group
"The Dark Society
"The Book of Jeff


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
259
259
Review by Jeff
In affiliation with Noticing Newbies Committee  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

Hi NicheNuance -

I noticed you're relatively new to Writing.Com and I wanted to take a moment to welcome you to the community by checking out your port and sending a review your way. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.


I really enjoyed this story. I liked the dark tone and the fact that the science fiction element was grounded in reality (or at least a potential and believable future reality). I think the dialogue could have been pared down a little so there wasn't quite so much back and forth and the conversation flowed a little faster... but other than that relatively small suggestion, this was a very entertaining read and was very well written. *Thumbsup*


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material, and welcome to Writing.Com. If you need any help with anything, please feel free to contact me anytime.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,


SoCalScribe
noticing newbies committee sig

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group
"The Dark Society
"The Book of Jeff


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
260
260
Review of My War Call  
Review by Jeff
In affiliation with Noticing Newbies Committee  
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)

Hi Philosophical Wolf -

I noticed you're relatively new to Writing.Com and I wanted to take a moment to welcome you to the community by checking out your port and sending a review your way. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.


Overall, I liked the imagery and the description in this piece. I think you did a good job creating vivid visuals in the mind of the reader. I did notice, however, that there were a great many typos and technical errors in the piece (e.g. "demon's" (possessive) where it should read "demons" (plural), "they're" (contraction for 'they are') where it should have read "their" (possessive), "tomarrow" where it should have read "tomorrow," etc.)

While a typo here and there isn't the end of the world, it's important to note that the shorter a piece is, the more prominent each error becomes. If this were a 2,000 word story, for example, it wouldn't be as noticeable if one or two of these errors slipped into all of those words. But when a piece is only 228 words long, as in this case, each error stands out all the more.

That said, I think the story itself was interesting and entertaining to read. Nice work! *Smile*


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material, and welcome to Writing.Com. If you need any help with anything, please feel free to contact me anytime.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,


SoCalScribe
noticing newbies committee sig

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group
"The Dark Society
"The Book of Jeff


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
261
261
Review of Never Got Away  
Review by Jeff
In affiliation with Noticing Newbies Committee  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)

Hi Stephen Thom -

I noticed you're relatively new to Writing.Com and I wanted to take a moment to welcome you to the community by checking out your port and sending a review your way. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.


Overall, I really enjoyed this short horror story. I think you did a good job with the pacing and the twist at the end, which brought the story full circle. The scene with H watching the couple before pursuing the man felt a little out of place... I think it would have almost been better to have H see his double in a more general way, to give yourself the space to describe the interaction between the two of them in a little more detail. Other than that, though, I really enjoyed the read. Nice work!


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material, and welcome to Writing.Com. If you need any help with anything, please feel free to contact me anytime.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,


SoCalScribe
noticing newbies committee sig

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group
"The Dark Society
"The Book of Jeff


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
262
262
Review of Gone  
Review by Jeff
In affiliation with Noticing Newbies Committee  
Rated: E | (3.0)

Hi MysteryAuthor -

I noticed you're relatively new to Writing.Com and I wanted to take a moment to welcome you to the community by checking out your port and sending a review your way. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.


I really enjoyed the imagery and the emotion in this poem. I was a little thrown by the rhyming scheme which was clearly AA, BB, CC, etc. for the first half of the poem before transitioning to no rhyming scheme in the latter half of the poem... but other than that issue with structural consistency, I really enjoyed this item and thought you did a really good job with it. *Smile*


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material, and welcome to Writing.Com. If you need any help with anything, please feel free to contact me anytime.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,


SoCalScribe
noticing newbies committee sig

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group
"The Dark Society
"The Book of Jeff


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
263
263
Review of Gone  
Review by Jeff
In affiliation with Noticing Newbies Committee  
Rated: E | (3.0)

Hi Kenzie Belle -

I noticed you're relatively new to Writing.Com and I wanted to take a moment to welcome you to the community by checking out your port and sending a review your way. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.


I liked the emotion you were able to infuse in this poem. It was engaging and compelling and really tied the piece together. There were quite a few technical errors in the piece:

         "[You're] older, but not wiser."

         "You [didn't] bring me to that point."

         "[I'm] not sorry for myself / [I'm] sorry for you."

         "[I'm] moving on with my life."

         "Hope your tears [don't] rust."

Overall, I think this was a great draft of your poem. There's a ton of potential and with a little revising, I think it could be really strong.


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material, and welcome to Writing.Com. If you need any help with anything, please feel free to contact me anytime.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,


SoCalScribe
noticing newbies committee sig

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group
"The Dark Society
"The Book of Jeff


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
264
264
Review of Tie Dye  
Review by Jeff
In affiliation with Noticing Newbies Committee  
Rated: E | (3.0)

Hi Chlogan -

I noticed you're relatively new to Writing.Com and I wanted to take a moment to welcome you to the community by checking out your port and sending a review your way. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.


I really like the imagery and emotion that you captured with this poem. It was structured well, although it was a little choppy in places. If you go back to this piece with an eye toward revision, I would suggest trying to make the individual lines a little more cohesive within each stanza so that there's a slightly better flow and rhythm to the piece... but other than that, I thought this was an impressive first effort. Good job! *Smile*


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material, and welcome to Writing.Com. If you need any help with anything, please feel free to contact me anytime.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,


SoCalScribe
noticing newbies committee sig

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group
"The Dark Society
"The Book of Jeff


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
265
265
Review of 12:34:56  
Review by Jeff
Rated: E | (4.5)

Hi jraf -

I found this item today via the Random Read feature, and wanted to send this review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that these comments are only the opinion of one person.


I really loved this sci-fi short story. For me, it really does epitomize all the things I love about science fiction, particularly the use of a clever, scientifically supernatural element and a smart twist at the end. I think the ending really did draw everything together and made this a truly memorable sci-fi short story. I don't have any particular suggestions for improvement; I think you have a great idea here and you executed it well. Very impressive!


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material; keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,


SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group
"The Dark Society
"The Book of Jeff


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
266
266
Review of Wanting Dreams  
Review by Jeff
Rated: E | (4.5)

Hi piewhackett1 -

I found this item today via the Random Read feature, and wanted to send this review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that these comments are only the opinion of one person.


I thought this was a really elegant, beautiful poem. It was well-structured and contained really great imagery in the mind of the reader. I wish I had some suggestions for improvement, but I couldn't find any technical or creative suggestions that would improve the piece. It's great just the way it is. *Delight*


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material; keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,


SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group
"The Dark Society
"The Book of Jeff


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
267
267
Review by Jeff
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*Candlev*


Hi DyrHearte writes -

I noticed it's your account anniversary this month, and I wanted to stop by your port and send you this review as a way to commemorate the occasion. This review is being made in association with "Anniversary Reviews, and please keep in mind that these comments are only the opinion of one person.


I really enjoyed this piece. The discussion between the magic of the natural world and the magic of the spiritual world was fascinating to read as it progressed. I did have a little bit of a hard time keeping the speaking parts straight and remembering which character "man from the north" and "man from the south" were, and I think the choice to leave them unnamed created some awkward phrasing in a couple of places (e.g., "The man from the north told the man from the south about the cave filled with prepared dead..."). If the idea was to leave them unnamed strangers, for me, I would have preferred that - at some point - their names transitioned to something easier to follow along with, such as "priest" and "magician," but that's the only suggestion I have in an otherwise engaging and enjoyable piece. *Smile*


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material; keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,


SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group
"The Dark Society
"The Book of Jeff


An image donated by  [Link To User legerdemain]  for use with Anniversary Reviews


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
268
268
Review by Jeff
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*Candlev*


Hi Stallion -

I noticed it's your account anniversary this month, and I wanted to stop by your port and send you this review as a way to commemorate the occasion. This review is being made in association with "Anniversary Reviews, and please keep in mind that these comments are only the opinion of one person.


I thought you did a great job with the imagery in this piece of religious prose. You created vivid, evocative pictures throughout the piece and everything was presented in an effective, engaging way. I particularly like the fact that you had short lines and broke up much of the text so that it read almost like a poem more than a traditional piece of prose. For the subject matter and point you were trying to get across, I think it was a smart choice.

One thing that I would have liked to have seen in the piece is a little more detail about your earthly transition as well. This piece paints a beautiful picture of how your soul was changed and even makes reference to specific dates and the event which started you on your journey with God... but I would have loved to know more about the events in your life that reflected this new creation your soul had become, to give those who maybe haven't undergone this transformation themselves a little insight into what that transformation looks like on the outside, as well as the inside.

Just a small, humble suggestion for an otherwise excellent piece of writing. *Smile*


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material; keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,


SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group
"The Dark Society
"The Book of Jeff


An image donated by  [Link To User legerdemain]  for use with Anniversary Reviews.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
269
269
Review by Jeff
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*Candlev*


Hi Fran 🏅🇬🇧🇬🇧🏅 -

I noticed it's your account anniversary this month, and I wanted to stop by your port and send you this review as a way to commemorate the occasion. This review is being made in association with "Anniversary Reviews, and please keep in mind that these comments are only the opinion of one person.


I really, really loved this story. My wife is a special education teacher and has spent years trying to get people to understand the idea that you've so eloquently presented in this short story. I think this piece was engaging, funny, honest, and completely moving. It showcases how even well-meaning people can misunderstand what it means to have a disability, and to assume that a disability somehow disqualifies someone from doing the kinds of things that other people do without a second thought.

I wish I had some suggestions for improvement, but I loved this piece just the way it was. Excellent work!


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material; keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,


SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group
"The Dark Society
"The Book of Jeff


An image donated by  [Link To User legerdemain]  for use with Anniversary Reviews


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Review by Jeff
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*Candlev*


Hi Shaziane -

I noticed it's your account anniversary this month, and I wanted to stop by your port and send you this review as a way to commemorate the occasion. This review is being made in association with "Anniversary Reviews, and please keep in mind that these comments are only the opinion of one person.


I really liked the message in this poem; I think it's important for people to "dare to be different" as the name of the poem says. For me, the poem felt a little disjointed from stanza to stanza. The first stanza, for example, talked about things that definitely involved "daring to be different" (i.e., crossing lines, shading incorrectly, mismatching colors). But the second stanza felt more experimental than daring to be different. Mixing water and potassium and playing with fire, even with furious chemists watching, felt more like a description of a science experiment rather than blazing an independent path. Similarly, the Wright Brothers and Thomas Edison, at least for me, conjure images of people who experimented and invented, rather than dared to be different for the sake of being different. I would associate counter cultural figures like Andy Warhol or The Rolling Stones with the idea of daring to be different more than inventors who are largely credited with mainstream inventions that are part of our everyday mainstream today (even if they were revolutionary at the time).

Other than that, I thought the poem was a solid effort and conveyed a great message to the reader. It was short, to the point, and effective. Nice work! *Smile*


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material; keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,


SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group
"The Dark Society
"The Book of Jeff


An image donated by  [Link To User legerdemain]  for use with Anniversary Reviews


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review by Jeff
In affiliation with Unofficial Erotica Newsletter ...  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)

Hi Hatsuda -

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following "Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.


WHAT WORKED

*Bullet* You did a great job with the characterizations. Gabe as an older man not even sure if he's meant to be in love again, and Despoina as an alluring and mysterious woman were both compelling characters, and I loved the fact that this story featured something other that characters at the height of their physical prime. There was something real and endearing about the fact that both of these people (especially Gabe) are coming into the relationship with some of the baggage that life has saddled them with; it made their eventual connection that much more engaging and appealing.

*Bullet* I thought the setting of their date was excellent. It was a nice surprise, a clever idea on Despoina's part, and - thanks to the engaging and sophisticated characters - meant so much more than just a prelude to a tryst. These are the kinds of little twists and surprises I look for in a story; a first date at one of their homes, that isn't just about getting lucky. *Smile*


WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

*Bullet* Although this is definitely more of a romantic story rather than an erotic story, I think the actual physical connection should be described in a little more detail. Not necessarily because I think it should be purely erotica, but because I wanted a little more substance to the encounter after all this build-up, so the reader could experience the intensity and arousal of the emotional connection that they both share. I was hoping that the significance of that important moment would have been granted more than a couple of brief paragraphs.


OVERALL IMPRESSION

All in all, I thought this was a compelling story and a great entry for the Paradise Cove prompt. I really wish there were more entries last month as I would have loved to have seen how this story fared against some competition. I have a hunch that it would have fared pretty well... *Wink* *Bigsmile*


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,


SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group
"The Dark Society
"The Book of Jeff


Review Signature for the Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group.



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
272
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Review by Jeff
In affiliation with RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)

Hi Tim Chiu -

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following review on behalf of "RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.


WHAT WORKED

*Bullet* I really thought you did a great job with the sentiment of this piece. It's a really great tribute to the men and women who serve in the Armed Forces for the Memorial Day holiday. Nicely done.

*Bullet* The imagery in the poem was excellent. Each line was evocative and did a great job of painting a picture in the reader's mind. By the end of the piece, you described a clear and consistent message that was easy to identify and sympathize with.


WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

*Bullet* In the first stanza, I think there's a bit of a subject verb confusion. It reads, "The United States of America and its allies ... remembers its past and recent warring debacles." It should read, "The United States of America and its allies ... remember their past and recent warring debacles."

*Bullet* In the second stanza, I think the second line would read a little more fluidly if you reversed "armed forces" and "men and women" so the line read, "Courageous men and women of the Armed Forces."

*Bullet* The last stanza felt a little cumbersome... the first stanza was seven lines, but the middle two were four and five, so when we switched back to a longer, nine-line stanza, the pacing felt a little off. I would try to cut this stanza down by a couple lines to make it flow a little better.


OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I think you did a good job with this poem. It's a great start and I think it can be improved with some minor revisions here and there, but you've got a strong foundation to work with and it was a very touching, evocative Memorial Day tribute. Well done!


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,


SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group
"The Dark Society
"The Book of Jeff


RAOK's logo image.  This is a shared image, so feel free to use its item number.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review of The Jester  
Review by Jeff
Rated: E | (4.0)

Hi Sum1 -

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.


WHAT WORKED

*Bullet* I really loved the way you characterized jester. Throughout the poem you managed to create an in-depth and intriguing profile of a complex character that's more than meets the eye. Wonderful job!


WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

*Bullet* The only suggestion for improvement I have (and keep in mind that poetry is not my strong suit) is that the flow and rhythm of a few of the couplets was a little rough in places. For example, "They are gathered together and taken to their rooms / Sleeping the night away while knowing of their doom." In addition to the second line being a syllable shorter than the first, "knowing of their doom" doesn't quite roll off the tongue. I would suggest smoothing out these couplets a little to improve the flow.


OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I really enjoyed the poem. I thought it was well-written and did an impressive job of creating an entire complex character in only a few stanzas. It was an enjoyable and excellent piece of poetry. *Smile*


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,


SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group
"The Dark Society
"The Book of Jeff



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
274
274
Review by Jeff
Rated: NPL | (4.0)

*Shield1* Judge's Review *Shield1*


Hi Oldwarrior -

I had a chance to read your item today as a judge for the "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest, and have enclosed the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author should feel free use or disregard any of the following comments as you see fit.


WHAT WORKED


*Bullet* I love the fantasy element of this story and the way it was worked into the narrative. It was imaginative, creative, and a unique spin on the prompt, especially using the reality the protagonist and the reader is familiar with being the "dream" world. Very inventive!


WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED


*Bullet* I thought the "what if" ending could have been a little stronger. Since the repeated line is "all you have to do is wish it so," I expected Logan's last line to be more of a mirror reflection of that. Ending it with "I wish..." would have been a stronger ending, I think.


OVERALL IMPRESSION


Overall, I thought this was a great take on the prompt and a satisfying story with great characters. Nice work! *Smile*


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,


SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group
"The Dark Society
"The Book of Jeff


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
275
275
Review by Jeff
Rated: E | (3.5)

*Shield1* Judge's Review *Shield1*


Hi bertiebrite hoping for peace -

I had a chance to read your item today as a judge for the "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest, and have enclosed the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author should feel free use or disregard any of the following comments as you see fit.


WHAT WORKED


*Bullet* Good use of detail and description. The vibrant imagery you used to describe the surroundings painted a beautiful picture of the location. It was easy to imagine, even without the contest picture prompt. *Thumbsup*


WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED


*Bullet* TYPO: "Iliana followed and soon they were [waist] deep, shoulder deep, and then her head was beneath the water's surface."

*Bullet* TYPO: "It is all right[;] you can [breathe] as long as you hold my hand."

*Bullet* Iliana's original reaction to her muse seemed a little contradictory. She admits that she cannot quite grasp the emotion she's looking for in this place that she's sketching, but becomes indignant when accused of not being able to see it. While that defensive emotion would be understandable based on her previous success as an artist, the fact that she admitted as much earlier makes it seem a little out of character for her to then be annoyed and irritated by someone pointing it out.


OVERALL IMPRESSION


Overall, I thought the story had a nice structure and good characterization. It was a good take on the prompt and a pleasure to read. *Smile*


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,


SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group
"The Dark Society
"The Book of Jeff


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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