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4,093 Public Reviews Given
4,222 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I believe in constructive criticism and honesty. I can adapt my review style to fit the kind of feedback an author is looking for (e.g., developmental suggestions, fine-tuning, proofreading, etc.), but will always try to be as encouraging and helpful as possible.
I'm good at...
Plotting, characterization, dialogue, structure/pacing, and professional considerations. I can also do serviceable technical editing/proofreading, but I'm much better with developmental/creative feedback.
Favorite Genres
I read almost everything. I particularly love genre fiction (mystery/thriller and science fiction/fantasy especially) and nonfiction of all kinds.
Public Reviews
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Review of In Mourning  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Walking in the rain SAJ signature


Hi A.M.Issy -

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following "Showering Acts of Joy Group"  review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that these comments are only my own opinions.


WHAT WORKED

You did an excellent job with the imagery and detailed description in this poem. Each line was eloquent and flowed nicely. It was written very visually, and although I'm not exactly the world's best judge of poetry, I enjoyed reading this piece.


WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

The only real suggestion for improvement for your consideration is the repeated refrain of "come back" in the second stanza. Whenever I read a poem and the structure of the poem isn't specifically mentioned, I look to the structure of the first stanza or two in order to give myself an idea of how the rest of the poem will play out. Therefore, I was expecting to see the same structure (a brief refrain) in each of the other stanzas and felt a little thrown when it didn't appear in anything other than the first stanza. I'd recommend perhaps adding the same refrain structure to the other stanzas or removing it from the first one, so that each of the stanzas is consistent in structure.


OVERALL IMPRESSIONS

Overall, I enjoyed this poem. I thought it was creative, interesting and visual. I do think the structure could be refined a little, but you're off to a great start. Nice work!


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material; keep up the good work and keep writing!


Jeff

Please check out these groups:
"The Screenwriting Group" 
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group" 
"The Dark Society" 


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
277
277
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Elle - on hiatus -

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that these comments are only my own opinions.

WHAT I LIKED

I love the simplicity of this how-to article, and the emphasis on the fact that the content is what matters, not the presentation. Even though some of us {e:averts_eyes} may obsess over the choice of pen, paper, neatness of our handwriting, etc., ultimately none of that stuff matters a tenth as much as the words committed to paper. (I reserved a tenth for the material items because the letter, of course, has to be readable by the recipient. So doctor's scrawl on a napkin with a sharpie that bleeds through maybe isn't the best idea if it's illegible *Laugh*.)


SUGGESTIONS FOR IMPROVEMENT

The only small suggestion I have is to maybe clarify "answer any questions" with "answer any specific (or personal or conversational) questions" ... something along those lines to avoid giving letter-writers the impression that they need to respond to each and every question asked in a letter, even the ones that are irrelevant. This may be just my personal experience, but my family is exceptionally good at asking rhetorical or banal questions as a way to kickstart their correspondence... it would take me five pages to get to the good stuff if I actually did answer every question they had about the weather, if my old car has needed any repairs lately, how my cat is doing, if I'm still working long hours at work, etc.!


OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I really enjoyed this article. It was brief, to the point, and is a great motivator for people who are considering drafting handwritten letters. At the end of the day, it's about what you say in your own words, and handwritten letters can be so much more personal in these days of email, text messages, and Instagram. *Smile*


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material; keep up the good work and keep writing!


Jeff
Logo for Senior Moderators - small

Please check out these groups:
"The Screenwriting Group" 
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group" 
"The Dark Society" 


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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278
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Writing.Com Support -

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that these comments are only my own opinions.

WHAT I LIKED

The sections of this how-to guide are easily organized into what to do, what to avoid, and shows illustrative examples of each, in addition to sample letters (both good and bad) at the bottom. This is a very concise, helpful guide for writers looking to put together query letters. Even without any prior experience, writers can use this guide to avoid many of the common pitfalls that get a query letter rejected. Nice job! *Thumbsup*


SUGGESTIONS FOR IMPROVEMENT

The only two small suggestions for improvement are to double-check the formatting on the first three "don'ts" (the text of the entire paragraph is red instead of just the header, which I'm assuming was not a stylistic choice), and to consider adding under the "Never use family or friends as proof of your abilities" section that it's generally not a good idea to include proof of your abilities from any one individual or organization unless you know that entity is particularly well-respected or personally known to the recipient of the letter... the reason being that most editors (at least the ones I know) don't really care what someone else thinks and prefer to make up their own mind... unless it's like Stephen King or the president of their publishing house or an nationally-recognized award committee.


OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, this was an excellent guide to help writers craft professional, well-presented cover letters. This is a great resource for anyone looking to submit their work for consideration. *Smile*


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material; keep up the good work and keep writing!


Jeff
Logo for Senior Moderators - small

Please check out these groups:
"The Screenwriting Group" 
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group" 
"The Dark Society" 
279
279
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Incurable Romantic -

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that these comments are only my own opinions.

WHAT I LIKED

You included a lot of really great advice and suggestions for making love letters more personal and more meaningful to the recipient. I particularly liked the fact that you encourage the reader to not be embarrassed about using nicknames or sharing personal experiences. I think a lot of people (myself included) tend to forget that the whole point of a love letter is to be intimate and personal rather than just reciting some stock phrases. Thanks for the reminder and the helpful suggestions! *Thumbsup*


SUGGESTIONS FOR IMPROVEMENT

In the first suggestion (under the heading that starts "the obvious one" it felt a little awkward to have the analysis presented before the example. You write, "And, notice too that this example illustrates..." and, "You will see not only how much we shared with each other..." before we're even provided the example that we're supposed to be drawing these observations from. I would suggest providing the example first, so that the reader is familiar with the example and can follow along with what you want them to notice, rather than telling them what they're going to need to notice, then expecting them to keep those points of reference in their head while also processing the information in the example. I think revising the structure would help keep the reader focused and engaged in what you're saying if they had the example to refer to before being asked to note particular things about it.


OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I thought this was an excellent item with a lot of great suggestions. I do think tweaking the organization a little (as outlined above) would help the readability and structure of the item, but that takes nothing away from the excellent suggestions and compelling subject matter that you've written. Nice work! *Smile*


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material; keep up the good work and keep writing!


Jeff
Logo for Senior Moderators - small

Please check out these groups:
"The Screenwriting Group" 
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group" 
"The Dark Society" 


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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280
Review of Bathtub Santa  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi TJ Marie -

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that these comments are only my own opinions.

I thought this was a fun, entertaining story about what Santa and Mrs. Claus might possibly do during their vacation. I can definitely see them wanting to go somewhere warm after so many months spent at the North Pole! *Bigsmile* There were just a couple of details that I thought could use a little improvement:

First, I think the bathtub needs a little foreshadowing. It felt a little strange to have Santa on a beach, then suddenly run off into the trees and return with a bathtub-motorboat. Where did that come from? Did he have it hidden there for later? If not, how did he know the things he would need to create the contraption would be there? Without a little setup explaining how he managed to find the parts necessary to create his latest invention, it's a little confusing how he managed to get it to the beach.

Additionally, the dialogue needs a little work. If Mrs. Claus is really concerned enough about her husband's well-being, why does she take the time to ask Jingles how things are going in the North Pole before calling in a rescue. That undercuts the immediacy of the request... there needs to be a little bit of tension and sense of urgency in order for the audience to feel like there's a need to call in a rescue.

Other than those two issues, I thought this was an entertaining read. You're off to a good start! *Smile*

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material; keep up the good work and keep writing!


Jeff
Logo for Senior Moderators - small

Please check out these groups:
"The Screenwriting Group" 
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group" 
"The Dark Society" 


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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281
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Angels in my Ear -

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that these comments are only my own opinions.

I can definitely see why this poem won first place in Muse Masters and was published in Shadow Express; it's excellent! I thought you did a really great job with the imagery and the detail in the poem, and your word choice and the structure of the piece is very good.

The only tiny issues I noticed were in the fourth line of the first stanza, where I think "compliment" (a flattering remark) should be "complement" (something that goes well with something else), and "palette" (a thin slab or board on which an artist mixes his colors, or the range of colors, instruments, etc. an artist uses) should be "palate" (a person's appreciation of taste and flavor). I actually debated the "palate vs. palette" issue for a while, but I think since your earlier lines reference tongue, flavor, etc., that the palate relating to flavor is perhaps more appropriate than the palette related to an artist's repertoire of color and tone.

Other than those two homonyms, I thought this was an excellent poem that was evocative, detailed, and very well-written. Nice work! *Smile*

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material; keep up the good work and keep writing!


Jeff
Logo for Senior Moderators - small

Please check out these groups:
"The Screenwriting Group" 
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group" 
"The Dark Society" 


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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282
Review of To Be or Not  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
shared anniversary image


Hi Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈 -

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"  review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that these comments are only my own opinions.

I enjoyed this essay about breaking the writing "rules" and where published authors stand compared to aspiring authors. I know it's a bit of a double-standard, but it's totally true; what an aspiring author may get dinged for in terms of personal voice, stylistic choices, etc., a published author can get away with simply for the fact that they are already established and have a fan base. I thought you did a great job with this article in terms of presenting your argument, providing supporting examples, and arranging it into a cohesive, compelling piece. I wish I had some suggestions for improvement, but I think you did a great job with it, as is. *Smile*

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material; keep up the good work and keep writing!


Jeff

Please check out these groups:
"The Screenwriting Group" 
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group" 
"The Dark Society" 


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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283
Review of Hidden Qualities  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
shared anniversary image


Hi Troy Jarmes -

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"  review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that these comments are only my own opinions.

What really struck me about this piece was the well-developed characters you depicted. Both the narrator and Irishka are interesting and engaging, and their relationship is fascinating to watch. The item was a little rough and could use a proofread for technical errors (it's "Champs Elysees" and "Eiffel Tower" is capitalized), but other than that, you're off to a great start and I think you've done a good job of hooking your reader so that he or she wants to follow along with the continuation of the story. *Smile*

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material; keep up the good work and keep writing!


Jeff

Please check out these groups:
"The Screenwriting Group" 
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group" 
"The Dark Society" 


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
284
284
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
shared anniversary image


Hi Noctis -

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"  review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that these comments are only my own opinions.

Even though this was a very short essay, I think it brings up a lot of really interesting points that challenge the reader to consider. In particular, the fact that the pursuit of intelligence and the desire for our children to be exceptional has become an obsession for many people, as well as the fact that intelligence can be used to both good and bad effect depending on the other circumstances of a person's upbringing and education. Hopefully people will stop mindlessly pursuing exceptional intelligence as a goal in and of itself, start looking at the bigger picture, and start considering that we also need to be teaching our exceptional children what to do with their gifts rather than just chasing the gift itself.

Thanks for the thought-provoking essay! *Bigsmile*

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material; keep up the good work and keep writing!


Jeff

Please check out these groups:
"The Screenwriting Group" 
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group" 
"The Dark Society" 


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
285
285
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
shared anniversary image


Hi Archie -

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"  review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that these comments are only my own opinions.

I thought this was a good essay about Robin Williams and really appreciated the fact that it was about more than just Williams' life but also the importance of recognizing and helping people with depression. Depression is a scary affliction that can affect anyone regardless of how successful or outwardly happy they may seem, and if there's one silver lining that's come from losing a beloved icon of the screen it's that hopefully more light will be shed on the struggles he went through so that hopefully others can avoid a similar fate. Nice job on this short and poignant essay! *Thumbsup*

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material; keep up the good work and keep writing!


Jeff

Please check out these groups:
"The Screenwriting Group" 
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group" 
"The Dark Society" 


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
286
286
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
shared anniversary image


Hi Musician Kristin -

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"  review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that these comments are only my own opinions.

Overall, I think you did a good job with this essay and the thesis of emphasizing spiritual learning in a world where material things and book learning is so prioritized. I do think, however, that the essay generalized a bit too much and made assumptions that "book learning people" are one specific way and that "spiritual learning people" are another specific way, and I think the reality is that there are a lot of gray areas... book smart people can also be spiritually confident, and spiritually smart people can be ignorant and narrow-minded. You did a great job of making your overall point, but I think the essay would be even stronger if it contemplated the gray areas in between either the blindly book smart or the blindly spiritual. Other than that, I enjoyed this essay. Nice work! *Smile*

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material; keep up the good work and keep writing!


Jeff

Please check out these groups:
"The Screenwriting Group" 
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group" 
"The Dark Society" 


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
287
287
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
shared anniversary image


Hi BIG BAD WOLF is hopping -

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"  review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that these comments are only my own opinions.

This was an interesting article on the topic of honest reviewing. While I certainly agree that honesty is important and that, as reviewers, we must evaluate a particular item on the merits rather than purely on our own personal opinions of whether it's our particular cup of tea, but I think the end of your essay was a bit of a missed opportunity to explain that it's okay to give a low star rating, too. You did a great job of explaining how a reviewer should examine the actual writing elements (technical, story, character, etc.) and weigh the story based on those in addition to merely whether they enjoyed it or not... but that's just one potential situation, i.e., one in which the bizarre and unlikable item is still well-written.

What about items that are not just something unlikable for the reviewer, but also severely lacking in one or more of those areas? You mentioned that someone's "reviewing reputation" could be damaged by sending a low rating. But I think that's only true if the low rating also comes with no explanation or merely a personal, visceral reaction to the piece. I think it's equally important to point out that a low star rating is okay, as long as you give honest feedback about why you chose the star rating you did. Evaluating writing based on the merits of individual elements rather than just gut reaction is important; but I think it's also important not to give people the impression that their reviewing reputation is in jeopardy if they don't rate an item highly. *Smile*

Other than that, I thought this was a compelling piece that brings up a very important aspect of reviewing; sometimes, we all come across items we don't particularly enjoy reading, and it's important to formulate a respectful, honest, helpful review for that author even when the item isn't our particular cup of tea. *Thumbsup*

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material; keep up the good work and keep writing!


Jeff

Please check out these groups:
"The Screenwriting Group" 
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group" 
"The Dark Society" 


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
288
288
Review of The Mall  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
shared anniversary image


Hi River -

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"  review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that these comments are only my own opinions.

Overall, I really enjoyed this story. I thought it was well written and interesting, although there were a few grammatical inconsistencies. For example, even though the majority of the story was told in present tense, there are a few spots where you slipped into past tense, like the following:

There are a few items I need to pick up here and there, but I’m on a mission here[;] I’m out of tea.

And also here:

I tried my best to eat the ice cream with the teensy, weensy spoon,

Other than those tense issues, the rest of the story was well told, I really enjoyed your characters, and you described the setting well. For a short piece, it was an entertaining read. Nice work!


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material; keep up the good work and keep writing!


Jeff

Please check out these groups:
"The Screenwriting Group" 
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group" 
"The Dark Society" 


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
289
289
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Weirdone-Back in the games -

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that these comments are only my own opinions.

I really enjoyed reading this story. I thought you did a great job telling an entertaining and engaging story. Right from the very beginning, I was interested in the relationship between Feston, Brendora, and Dafyd, and you did a wonderful job establishing each of their characteristics, making them unique and interesting.

I was hoping for a little more resolution to Feston's character... he's so consumed with his relationship with Brendora, I would have loved to see some closure to that storyline, where he doesn't just help her with the serving girl problem, but also acknowledges that she's better off with Dafyd. I think that would really show the change that his character has undergone, and would help the reader root for him even more at the end when he's back from his adventure.

I noticed one place where it seemed like there was a bit of a typo or a lingering part that was subsequently revised:

"Yes, like anywhere outside of this cave."

The queen laughed. "Why would I want that?"a beaut

"Well, maybe for fresh air." The queen looked unconvinced. "Well, then maybe so that other people could see how beautiful you look in all those clothes and jewels."


Other than that, I thought this was a great fantasy story. Nice work! *Smile*

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material; keep up the good work and keep writing!


Jeff
Logo for Senior Moderators - small

Please check out these groups:
"The Screenwriting Group" 
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group" 
"The Dark Society" 


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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290
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hi kbritton97 -

Thank you for sending me a review request! It's my pleasure to be able to enclose the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that these comments are only my own opinions.

I liked the fact that this essay takes the idea of "pleasure" beyond just that of a sexual nature. I think it's important for readers to understand that a hedonistic approach to life can also come in the form of other pleasures besides just sexuality. I do think that the essay does presume that people's motivations for a life that lacks accountability for the pursuit of pleasure is a bit narrow in focus. True, there are people who feel like they are "laws unto themselves" and there are people who feel like "they don't need a conscience to guild themselves anymore," but I also think there are motives that go well beyond the egotistical and sociopathic that you've described. I think there are also people out there who truly believe that they're not hurting anyone with their behavior, and don't see the harm they're doing to themselves and even their loved ones.

Additionally, I think you need to more fully develop and elaborate upon your thesis that technology prevents family values from being instilled in children, as well as the assertion that recent economic and social changes are destroying traditional family values. In what way? How prevalent is this? Why do some families still seem to have strong family values while others don't? Is that purely based on whether the kids have smartphones? When you make large generalized assertions like these, there needs to be some argument or backup in favor of your position so that the reader can understand why you've made that assertion and what data or information your using as the basis of that belief.

I also think that the focus of this essay to be directed a little more. It seems like you're essentially making three different arguments: that we're currently a society that pursues pleasure without any regard for right or wrong (conscience), that we're selfish in our pursuit of pleasure to the point of not holding ourselves accountable for our actions, and that conscience and a sense of moral responsibility is an encumbrance because we must constantly ask ourselves whether our actions are worth the repercussions. While these are all fine topics to explore, I think they need to be more cohesively integrated into the essay. With so many different assertions and angles on this issue, you run the risk of the essay feeling disjointed or scattered unless you really make sure that each concept and assertion organically flows from one to another.

Overall, you're off to a good start. I think this is an important topic that definitely needs more essays and opinions written about it, and you're on the right track here. *Smile*

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material; keep up the good work and keep writing!


Jeff
Logo for Senior Moderators - small

Please check out these groups:
"The Screenwriting Group" 
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group" 
"The Dark Society" 


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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291
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi kbritton97 -

Thank you for sending me a review request! It's my pleasure to be able to enclose the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that these comments are only my own opinions.

This essay was technically well written, and I think you presented your argument about the success of the United States well over the course of the piece. I did, however, think that structurally it could use some work.

At the very beginning, in what's typically a thesis statement or overview of what the essay will be about, you talk about The Civil War and the American Civil Rights Movement, then your second paragraph defines what a revolution is before going into your third paragraph about the Revolutionary War. All of this made the introduction of the essay (and it's whole focus) seem muddled and confusing. I wasn't sure if I was reading an essay about revolution, a specific war, all wars, etc. You ended your essay on a strong note, and I think you need the introduction to be equally strong to really hook your reader.

I also thought that there was a little too much repetition in your sentence structure. Especially toward the body of the essay, the paragraphs started with a general statement about how "[you] don't know much about..." followed with every other sentence starting with "But I do know..." I think that saying things like "I don't know much about the American Revolution" undercuts your authority later in the essay, and starting every sentence the same makes the sentences start to feel tedious toward the end, since there's no variation on how they're presented. Also, I'm not sure "I am not a mathematician" is the right way to start that paragraph about numbers, because the numbers you're listing aren't mathematical calculations; they're just fixed numerical data. It might be more effective to say something like "Numbers aren't my strong suit, but here are some I do know" (even though I still think that undercuts your authority in this piece).

Overall, your content was good and you presented interesting bits of information in an effective way. I think some significant work needs to be done to restructure this essay and make sure all the elements work together cohesively, but you're off to a good start with what you've got here. *Smile*

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material; keep up the good work and keep writing!


Jeff
Logo for Senior Moderators - small

Please check out these groups:
"The Screenwriting Group" 
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group" 
"The Dark Society" 


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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292
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
 
Hook Us!  [E]
Submit your query letter for a chance at our grand prize worth 1,000 dollars!
by Writing.Com Support

*Hook* Official Judges' Review *Hook*


Hi SwordntheStone22 -

I had a chance to read your item today as a judge for the "Hook Us!"  official contest, and have enclosed the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that these comments are only my own opinions.


CREATIVE ELEMENTS

Nice work with the creative elements of this query. I thought you did a great job presenting enough information to entice your reader without going into unnecessary detail or stalling the letter with too much description. *Thumbsup*


TECHNICAL ELEMENTS

I noticed a typo in the fourth paragraph: "Within Shouting Distance is a 78,000[-word] fantasy adventure..."

I like the personal info you included about your creative writing background; I also think it would be a good idea to include your goals or aspirations for the manuscript in addition to the already-included references to similar works.


OVERALL

Overall, this was a solid query letter that could use a tiny bit of polishing, but is otherwise very effective and compelling. Nice work! *Bigsmile*


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material; keep up the good work and keep writing!


Jeff

Please check out these items:
"The Screenwriting Group" 
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group" 
"The Dark Society" 


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
293
293
Review of Query letter  
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
 
Hook Us!  [E]
Submit your query letter for a chance at our grand prize worth 1,000 dollars!
by Writing.Com Support

*Hook* Official Judges' Review *Hook*


Hi Sam Queston -

I had a chance to read your item today as a judge for the "Hook Us!"  official contest, and have enclosed the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that these comments are only my own opinions.


CREATIVE ELEMENTS

Your hook is excellent; it really captures the reader's attention and provides them with concise, intriguing details about the world you're creating. *Thumbsup*

I did find the mini-synopsis to be a bit lacking... more of an overview of the premise rather than any specific detail about the narrative of the story. I would have liked to have read a little more actual synopsis to know where the story is headed.


TECHNICAL ELEMENTS

I believe it's okay to round your word count in query letters; rather than saying 137,703, I've been told that rounding it to 138,000, for example, is acceptable and makes the figure seem a little less stringent.

I also didn't get the sense that there was much of a concluding paragraph; I would recommend including a final paragraph that gives a little information about yourself, your goals for the work, and thanks the reader for their time in considering your work.


OVERALL

Overall, I enjoyed the creative elements you included in the letter, but feel like - as a query - the letter itself falls a little short by not including any personal details or conclusion after the synopsis.


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material; keep up the good work and keep writing!


Jeff

Please check out these items:
"The Screenwriting Group" 
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group" 
"The Dark Society" 


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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294
Review of Crossings  
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
 
Hook Us!  [E]
Submit your query letter for a chance at our grand prize worth 1,000 dollars!
by Writing.Com Support

*Hook* Official Judges' Review *Hook*


Hi OutOfTheAshes -

I had a chance to read your item today as a judge for the "Hook Us!"  official contest, and have enclosed the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that these comments are only my own opinions.


CREATIVE ELEMENTS

I think you did a great job with your initial "hook" paragraph. You set up an ample amount of mystery and plenty of story so that the reader knows there's a full narrative that needs to unfold, and each facet of the story and characters you presented was intriguing and interesting.

I like the fact that you included information about yourself in the concluding paragraph; I think that's important in order to strike a personal note with the reader. *Thumbsup*

TECHNICAL ELEMENTS

Unfortunately, the second paragraph doesn't really expand into the "mini-synopsis" that was requested, however, as it's more of a few short sentences on the background and general premise of your material rather than a more in-depth exploration of the narrative.

Unless "Goddess" is the name of the character or a proper title, that word in your opening paragraph (the hook) should probably be lowercase.

Since you mentioned Noyes' poem as your inspiration, I would research and find out if the poem is in the public domain and make mention of that in the query letter. I would also remove references to the Loreena McKennitt song so that it doesn't create any concerns over whether you based your work on copyrighted material. Based on the date published, the poem is likely in public domain and the song is likely not... and when you're approaching a publisher about a potential project, the last thing you want to do is create concern over whether there are possible intellectual property rights that could be an issue!

OVERALL

Overall, I think the basis for a good query letter is here. I think the copyright issue needs to be addressed and there needs to be more of a mini-synopsis in the middle of the query, but the content is interesting and the letter is well-written. You're off to a good start. *Smile*


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material; keep up the good work and keep writing!


Jeff

Please check out these items:
"The Screenwriting Group" 
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group" 
"The Dark Society" 


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
295
295
Review of Emerald  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hi Nathan Peterson -

Thank you for sending me a review request! It's my pleasure to be able to enclose the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that these comments are only my own opinions.

First, I have to apologize for letting this review expire after I accepted it. The past several days have been really hectic, and I haven't had much time online. I figured the least I could do is actually send the review, albeit a little later than intended.

Overall, I think this was a compelling and engaging story. There were just a couple of points that I wanted to mention. First, I thought it felt a little strange that Emerald was so accepting of a stranger speaking to her in the alley. After just being beaten and raped by an attacker who tried to murder her, she's awfully accepting of another stranger spending time with her while she bleeds out. I think you need a little extra something to explain why she feels comfortable around him; perhaps the way he talks to her or reassures her is convincing... you just need a little something so that the audience understands her trust of another stranger moments after the previous one left her for dead.

Second, I feel like Emerald spends a little too much time going over the details of her past at length. I feel like shorter anecdotes that are pared down and really get to the heart of the emotion will sit better with readers and keep the pace of the story moving along at a faster clip, particularly in the opening third of the story where you really need to build momentum to get your reader engaged.

Third, why does Ron automatically assume the stranger is in his house is related to the prostitute? Ron strikes me as someone who is supremely confident in his own abilities and the impossibility of getting caught. Granted, the sudden appearance of someone in his house would be jarring, but the fact that he immediately jumps to the assumption that the guy is there to see him about the prostitute conflicts with his attitude of superiority and invincibility. I think this scene would play out better if Ron were just concerned with getting the guy out of the house, and his mysterious stranger were the one to suddenly start dropping details about Emerald and bring his world (and self-confidence) crashing down around him.

The last suggestion I have is to divide up the perspective changes with something visible to let us know that we're changing point of view. Reading the item straight through without a visible break makes the transition a little jarring; I would definitely recommend either some extra space or a line with a few dashes (-----) to break up the narrative into neat, easily to differentiate point of view segments.

Other than those few comments, I thought this was a compelling item with interesting characters and an interesting take on the devil mythology. Nice work! *Thumbsup*

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material; keep up the good work and keep writing!


Jeff
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Please check out these groups:
"The Screenwriting Group" 
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group" 
"The Dark Society" 


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
296
296
Review of Personal Power  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
SAJ Group Sig by A.E. Wilcox


Hi LifeLibertyandJusticeforAll -

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following "Showering Acts of Joy Group"  review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that these comments are only my own opinions.

I thought this was a great short poem that really brings up some interesting issues about the nature of personal power. It's an important concept that I think we could all use reminding of every now and then; that confidence and courage can change our lives and those are often attitudes that cannot be purchased or owned without an investment on our part. I thought the form of this poem worked well and it was structured nicely. All in all, it was a great read. Nice work! *Smile*

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material; keep up the good work and keep writing!


Jeff

Please check out these groups:
"The Screenwriting Group" 
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group" 
"The Dark Society" 


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
297
297
Review of The Seasons  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
SAJ Group Sig by A.E. Wilcox


Hi Dandelion Man -

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following "Showering Acts of Joy Group"  review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that these comments are only my own opinions.

I like the fact that you included the form you used in the item introduction so it's clear to the reader that you are, in fact, following a specific structure rather than writing free verse. *Thumbsup* Overall, I like the fact that each verse dealt with a different season and captured a different emotion. I did think that the third verse for "autumn" and fourth for "winter" were the strongest lead-ins... the other two felt indirect since the seasons aren't the subject of those lines. "We met in spring" and "In summer we grew" both use "we" as the subject, while "Autumn" and "winter" are the subjects of their respective verses and I think makes for a more compelling characterization of the season to go with the sentiments that follow in each of their respective verses.

Other than that, though, I thought this was an excellent poem, and I think the senryu form across multiple verses was a good choice given the subject matter. Well done! *Smile*

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material; keep up the good work and keep writing!


Jeff

Please check out these groups:
"The Screenwriting Group" 
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group" 
"The Dark Society" 


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
298
298
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
SAJ Group Sig by A.E. Wilcox


Hi GeminiGem of House Lannister -

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following "Showering Acts of Joy Group"  review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that these comments are only my own opinions.

I enjoyed this story. I thought it was well-written, and I thought you did a good job of concealing the true nature of the "kids" until the photo reveal at the very end. *Bigsmile* I also particularly liked the fact that the conversation between Susan and her coworker was natural and realistic. The coworker wasn't just a sounding board; she asked questions, made assumptions, and generally participated in the conversation making it feel more active.

All in all, I thought this was entertaining and fun to read. Nice work! *Thumbsup*

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material; keep up the good work and keep writing!


Jeff

Please check out these groups:
"The Screenwriting Group" 
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group" 
"The Dark Society" 


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
299
299
Review of The Notice  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
** Image ID #1729356 Unavailable **


Hi 💙 Carly -

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"  review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that these comments are only my own opinions.

I love the idea of a community where parents are required to send their kids to an off-planet boarding school. I think that's really clever and a great way into a story. *Thumbsup* For me, this has the best elements of science fiction which are real-world situations (boarding schools, senseless government policies, the struggle to provide a better life for one's children, etc.) explained and presented in a science fiction setting. You did a great job fitting all of that into such a comparatively few number of words; it's not easy to tell a sci-fi story this good in such a limited about of space! I wish I had some suggestions for improvement, but I think it's great just like it is. *Bigsmile*

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material; keep up the good work and keep writing!


Jeff

Please check out these groups:
"The Screenwriting Group" 
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group" 
"The Dark Society" 


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
300
300
Review of Failed Magic  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
** Image ID #1729356 Unavailable **


Hi DyrHearte writes -

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"  review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that these comments are only my own opinions.

This was a fun, entertaining flash fiction story. I thought the characters were well-developed and the narrative was compelling, even for a story of so few words. It's not easy to tell a complete story in such a short span of time, but I thought you really did an excellent job with this piece. I wish I had some suggestions for improvement, but I thought it was great as is. *Smile*

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material; keep up the good work and keep writing!


Jeff

Please check out these groups:
"The Screenwriting Group" 
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group" 
"The Dark Society" 


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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