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4,088 Public Reviews Given
4,217 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I believe in constructive criticism and honesty. I can adapt my review style to fit the kind of feedback an author is looking for (e.g., developmental suggestions, fine-tuning, proofreading, etc.), but will always try to be as encouraging and helpful as possible.
I'm good at...
Plotting, characterization, dialogue, structure/pacing, and professional considerations. I can also do serviceable technical editing/proofreading, but I'm much better with developmental/creative feedback.
Favorite Genres
I read almost everything. I particularly love genre fiction (mystery/thriller and science fiction/fantasy especially) and nonfiction of all kinds.
Public Reviews
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351
351
Review of 12:34:56  
Rated: E | (4.5)

Hi jraf -

I found this item today via the Random Read feature, and wanted to send this review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that these comments are only the opinion of one person.


I really loved this sci-fi short story. For me, it really does epitomize all the things I love about science fiction, particularly the use of a clever, scientifically supernatural element and a smart twist at the end. I think the ending really did draw everything together and made this a truly memorable sci-fi short story. I don't have any particular suggestions for improvement; I think you have a great idea here and you executed it well. Very impressive!


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material; keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,


SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group" 
"The Dark Society" 
"Blogocentric Formulations" 


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
352
352
Review of Wanting Dreams  
Rated: E | (4.5)

Hi piewhackett1 -

I found this item today via the Random Read feature, and wanted to send this review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that these comments are only the opinion of one person.


I thought this was a really elegant, beautiful poem. It was well-structured and contained really great imagery in the mind of the reader. I wish I had some suggestions for improvement, but I couldn't find any technical or creative suggestions that would improve the piece. It's great just the way it is. *Delight*


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material; keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,


SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group" 
"The Dark Society" 
"Blogocentric Formulations" 


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
353
353
Review of My Co-worker  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Candlev*


Hi two of four -

I noticed it's your account anniversary this month, and I wanted to stop by your port and send you this review as a way to commemorate the occasion. This review is being made in association with "Anniversary Reviews" , and please keep in mind that these comments are only the opinion of one person.


I really enjoyed reading this monologue on your attitude about your workplace. As someone who has endured similar coworkers before, I can only say that I hope, since this piece was written back in 2003, that either you or she have moved on to other employment opportunities and you no longer have to put up with her. *Laugh*

I completely understand where you're coming from in this piece, and I particularly like the way you were able to evaluate yourself and your own feelings and ask the question of whether your attitude and approach are really in line with the kind of person you want to be. It's certainly a more productive process than trying to change her, and if people like her aren't going to change, we have to make a change ourselves, either in our own behavior, or in our own circumstances by removing ourselves from a situation where we have to work with those people.

I particularly liked the way this piece was accessible and understandable by just about everyone. While the circumstances were unique to you, I think many of us can identify with the concept of having a colleague we do not enjoy working with... and that familiarity makes it all the more enticing for us to examine our own lives as you examine yours.

Nicely done! *Smile*


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material; keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,


SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group" 
"The Dark Society" 
"Blogocentric Formulations" 

An image donated by [Link To User legerdemain] for use with Anniversary Reviews


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
354
354
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Candlev*


Hi DyrHearte writes -

I noticed it's your account anniversary this month, and I wanted to stop by your port and send you this review as a way to commemorate the occasion. This review is being made in association with "Anniversary Reviews" , and please keep in mind that these comments are only the opinion of one person.


I really enjoyed this piece. The discussion between the magic of the natural world and the magic of the spiritual world was fascinating to read as it progressed. I did have a little bit of a hard time keeping the speaking parts straight and remembering which character "man from the north" and "man from the south" were, and I think the choice to leave them unnamed created some awkward phrasing in a couple of places (e.g., "The man from the north told the man from the south about the cave filled with prepared dead..."). If the idea was to leave them unnamed strangers, for me, I would have preferred that - at some point - their names transitioned to something easier to follow along with, such as "priest" and "magician," but that's the only suggestion I have in an otherwise engaging and enjoyable piece. *Smile*


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material; keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,


SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group" 
"The Dark Society" 
"Blogocentric Formulations" 

An image donated by [Link To User legerdemain] for use with Anniversary Reviews


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
355
355
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Candlev*


Hi Stallion -

I noticed it's your account anniversary this month, and I wanted to stop by your port and send you this review as a way to commemorate the occasion. This review is being made in association with "Anniversary Reviews" , and please keep in mind that these comments are only the opinion of one person.


I thought you did a great job with the imagery in this piece of religious prose. You created vivid, evocative pictures throughout the piece and everything was presented in an effective, engaging way. I particularly like the fact that you had short lines and broke up much of the text so that it read almost like a poem more than a traditional piece of prose. For the subject matter and point you were trying to get across, I think it was a smart choice.

One thing that I would have liked to have seen in the piece is a little more detail about your earthly transition as well. This piece paints a beautiful picture of how your soul was changed and even makes reference to specific dates and the event which started you on your journey with God... but I would have loved to know more about the events in your life that reflected this new creation your soul had become, to give those who maybe haven't undergone this transformation themselves a little insight into what that transformation looks like on the outside, as well as the inside.

Just a small, humble suggestion for an otherwise excellent piece of writing. *Smile*


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material; keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,


SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group" 
"The Dark Society" 
"Blogocentric Formulations" 

An image donated by [Link To User legerdemain] for use with Anniversary Reviews


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
356
356
In affiliation with Unofficial Erotica Newsletter ...  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)

Hi Hatsuda -

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following "Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"  review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.


WHAT WORKED

*Bullet* You did a great job with the characterizations. Gabe as an older man not even sure if he's meant to be in love again, and Despoina as an alluring and mysterious woman were both compelling characters, and I loved the fact that this story featured something other that characters at the height of their physical prime. There was something real and endearing about the fact that both of these people (especially Gabe) are coming into the relationship with some of the baggage that life has saddled them with; it made their eventual connection that much more engaging and appealing.

*Bullet* I thought the setting of their date was excellent. It was a nice surprise, a clever idea on Despoina's part, and - thanks to the engaging and sophisticated characters - meant so much more than just a prelude to a tryst. These are the kinds of little twists and surprises I look for in a story; a first date at one of their homes, that isn't just about getting lucky. *Smile*


WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

*Bullet* Although this is definitely more of a romantic story rather than an erotic story, I think the actual physical connection should be described in a little more detail. Not necessarily because I think it should be purely erotica, but because I wanted a little more substance to the encounter after all this build-up, so the reader could experience the intensity and arousal of the emotional connection that they both share. I was hoping that the significance of that important moment would have been granted more than a couple of brief paragraphs.


OVERALL IMPRESSION

All in all, I thought this was a compelling story and a great entry for the Paradise Cove prompt. I really wish there were more entries last month as I would have loved to have seen how this story fared against some competition. I have a hunch that it would have fared pretty well... *Wink* *Bigsmile*


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,


SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group" 
"The Dark Society" 
"Blogocentric Formulations" 

Review Signature for the Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
357
357
In affiliation with RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)

Hi Tim Chiu -

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following review on behalf of "RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group"  for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.


WHAT WORKED

*Bullet* I really thought you did a great job with the sentiment of this piece. It's a really great tribute to the men and women who serve in the Armed Forces for the Memorial Day holiday. Nicely done.

*Bullet* The imagery in the poem was excellent. Each line was evocative and did a great job of painting a picture in the reader's mind. By the end of the piece, you described a clear and consistent message that was easy to identify and sympathize with.


WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

*Bullet* In the first stanza, I think there's a bit of a subject verb confusion. It reads, "The United States of America and its allies ... remembers its past and recent warring debacles." It should read, "The United States of America and its allies ... remember their past and recent warring debacles."

*Bullet* In the second stanza, I think the second line would read a little more fluidly if you reversed "armed forces" and "men and women" so the line read, "Courageous men and women of the Armed Forces."

*Bullet* The last stanza felt a little cumbersome... the first stanza was seven lines, but the middle two were four and five, so when we switched back to a longer, nine-line stanza, the pacing felt a little off. I would try to cut this stanza down by a couple lines to make it flow a little better.


OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I think you did a good job with this poem. It's a great start and I think it can be improved with some minor revisions here and there, but you've got a strong foundation to work with and it was a very touching, evocative Memorial Day tribute. Well done!


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,


SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group" 
"The Dark Society" 
"Blogocentric Formulations" 

RAOK's logo image. This is a shared image, so feel free to use its item number.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
358
358
Review of The Jester  
Rated: E | (4.0)

Hi Sum1 -

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.


WHAT WORKED

*Bullet* I really loved the way you characterized jester. Throughout the poem you managed to create an in-depth and intriguing profile of a complex character that's more than meets the eye. Wonderful job!


WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

*Bullet* The only suggestion for improvement I have (and keep in mind that poetry is not my strong suit) is that the flow and rhythm of a few of the couplets was a little rough in places. For example, "They are gathered together and taken to their rooms / Sleeping the night away while knowing of their doom." In addition to the second line being a syllable shorter than the first, "knowing of their doom" doesn't quite roll off the tongue. I would suggest smoothing out these couplets a little to improve the flow.


OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I really enjoyed the poem. I thought it was well-written and did an impressive job of creating an entire complex character in only a few stanzas. It was an enjoyable and excellent piece of poetry. *Smile*


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,


SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group" 
"The Dark Society" 
"Blogocentric Formulations" 


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
359
359
Review of Painter of Dreams  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)

*Shield1* Judge's Review *Shield1*


Hi Zelphyr -

I had a chance to read your item today as a judge for the "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" , and have enclosed the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author should feel free use or disregard any of the following comments as you see fit.


WHAT WORKED

*Bullet* I absolutely loved your take on the prompt. It was creative, original, and intriguing. The story was compelling and the characters were engaging. The pacing was excellent and it was an all-around excellent story. Nice work! *Thumbsup*


WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

*Bullet* This is one of the few entries for which I have no suggestions for improvement.


OVERALL IMPRESSION

This story is one of my favorite entries. It's well-written, creative, and an excellent take on the prompt. Awesome job! *Bigsmile*


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,


SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group" 
"The Dark Society" 
"Blogocentric Formulations" 


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
360
360
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

*Shield1* Judge's Review *Shield1*


Hi Kotaro -

I had a chance to read your item today as a judge for the "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" , and have enclosed the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author should feel free use or disregard any of the following comments as you see fit.


WHAT WORKED

*Bullet* I loved your take on the prompt. It was an engaging and unique story that took the prompt in an unexpected direction.

*Bullet* You did a great job highlighting the horror elements of the story. The narrative was creepy and had an appropriately dark ending. *Thumbsup*


WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

*Bullet* I can't think of any areas of improvement with this story. It was compelling and entertaining just the way it is. *Smile*


OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I really enjoyed this entry. It was a clever take on the prompt and very well executed. Nice work!


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,


SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group" 
"The Dark Society" 
"Blogocentric Formulations" 


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
361
361
Review of Rendering  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

*Shield1* Judge's Review *Shield1*


Hi fyn -

I had a chance to read your item today as a judge for the "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" , and have enclosed the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author should feel free use or disregard any of the following comments as you see fit.


WHAT WORKED

*Bullet* Excellent use of detail. Your description is vivid and really jumps off the page. It was a pleasure to read this story.

*Bullet* Good combined use of dialogue and description. One of the biggest problems I notice with stories is when the dialogue and the description are out of balance and there's far more of one than another. No problems with that here; you struck a great and even balance between the two elements. *Thumbsup*


WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

*Bullet* The passage of time between the point where Emily acquires the house and creates paintings for the other townsfolk seemed a little confusing. How long was she in town before she painted the picture for Sarah?


OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, this was a lovely story that was well-written, engaging, and a wonderful take on the prompt. *Smile*


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,


SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group" 
"The Dark Society" 
"Blogocentric Formulations" 


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
362
362
Review of Willow Wonderland  
Rated: E | (3.0)

*Shield1* Judge's Review *Shield1*


Hi drifter -

I had a chance to read your item today as a judge for the "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" , and have enclosed the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author should feel free use or disregard any of the following comments as you see fit.


WHAT WORKED

*Bullet* I like the character backstory you've created for your protagonist. It was believable and compelling and you did a good job of putting in just enough detail to make it clear for the reader without bogging them down in unnecessary description.


WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

*Bullet* There were quite a few typos/technical errors in the piece ("there" instead of their" in the first paragraph, missing closed quotation at the very end of the story, etc.) that made readability a little difficult; I would suggest a thorough proofread.


OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I enjoyed the premise and thought you had a great character to work with. The execution could use a little polishing, but otherwise it was an enjoyable story. Nice work!


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,


SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group" 
"The Dark Society" 
"Blogocentric Formulations" 


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
363
363
Review of Gossamer Wings  
Rated: E | (3.5)

*Shield1* Judge's Review *Shield1*


Hi Cherokee Rose -

I had a chance to read your item today as a judge for the "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" , and have enclosed the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author should feel free use or disregard any of the following comments as you see fit.


WHAT WORKED

*Bullet* Good take on the prompt. I particularly liked the way you ended the story with an air of mystery. *Thumbsup*


WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

*Bullet* I thought there were just a few too many questions that the narrator asked himself. Rhetorical questions can be a useful technique for moving the narrative along, but when there are a lot of them, they can sometimes become a little distracting. I would recommend picking a select few and filling them out with narrative description rather than writing question after question for the reader to follow along with.


OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I enjoyed this entry. I thought it was a good concept that was executed well. Nice work!


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,


SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group" 
"The Dark Society" 
"Blogocentric Formulations" 


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
364
364
Review of Dragonflies  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)

*Shield1* Judge's Review *Shield1*


Hi Josh T. Alto -

I had a chance to read your item today as a judge for the "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" , and have enclosed the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author should feel free use or disregard any of the following comments as you see fit.


WHAT WORKED

*Bullet* I really enjoyed the ending of the story. I thought it concluded on an effective, emotional note the buildup to which was engaging and compelling.


WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

*Bullet* I would have liked to have seen Robert's disappearance worked a little more into the story that suddenly appearing in the last few paragraphs. I think it would really engage the reader if they're struggling with his disappearance throughout the story.


OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I thought you did a solid job on this contest entry. It was intriguing, interesting, and well-executed. Nice work!


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,


SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group" 
"The Dark Society" 
"Blogocentric Formulations" 


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
365
365
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

*Shield1* Judge's Review *Shield1*


Hi Shannon -

I had a chance to read your item today as a judge for the "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" , and have enclosed the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author should feel free use or disregard any of the following comments as you see fit.


WHAT WORKED

*Bullet* I loved the relationship between your father and daughter characters. There was something genuine and endearing about the story he tells her and their relationship as they spend these moments fishing together.

*Bullet* You did a great job of presenting the backstory about Lily's mother with a nice, steady pace. You don't overload the reader with details and, even though the story is primarily about communicating this information to his daughter, it never feels heavy-handed or expository. *Thumbsup*


WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

*Bullet* No suggestions for improvement; I like this story just the way it is.


OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I really enjoyed this story. It was well-written, compelling, and a great use of the prompt. Nicely done!


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,


SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group" 
"The Dark Society" 
"Blogocentric Formulations" 


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
366
366
Review of How Much Longer?!  
Rated: E | (3.5)

Hi dolfo -

As a newer member of this site, I wanted to take a moment to welcome you to Writing.Com. Today is actually my 10th anniversary of being a member here, and I'm celebrating by hosting "SoCalScribe's 10th Anniversary Gala"  and giving away several prizes throughout the day. I've selected you as a recipient of one of 10 reviews I'm handing out today, which also comes with 10,000 Gift Points for you to spend as you please. *Smile*

I'm enclosing the following review for your consideration, but please keep in mind that these comments are my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of them as you see fit.


WHAT WORKED

*Bullet* I think you did a great job capturing the emotion of feeling trapped inside some place, desperate to experience the outdoor things (like sunlight and rain) that many of us take for granted in our daily lives. Those experiences and emotions were detailed and descriptive and created a vivid image in the reader's mind. *Thumbsup*


WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

*Bullet* I thought the repetition of "how much longer" at the end was a little over the top... I think you could achieve the same result with just three repetitions, or even the use of bold, italics, underlining, capitalization, etc. to make the emphasis more pronounced.


OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I really enjoyed reading this item. I thought it was well-written, evocative and very compelling. Nice work!


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material, and again, welcome to Writing.Com! If you'd like to introduce yourself over at "SoCalScribe's 10th Anniversary Gala" , please feel free to click on the link or the image at the bottom of this review and stop by to say hello! *Bigsmile*

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,


SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group" 
"The Dark Society" 
"Blogocentric Formulations" 

Logo for SoCalScribe's 10th Anniversary Gala activity.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
367
367
Review of simple and sweet  
Rated: E | (1.5)

Hi curtis -

As a newer member of this site, I wanted to take a moment to welcome you to Writing.Com. Today is actually my 10th anniversary of being a member here, and I'm celebrating by hosting "SoCalScribe's 10th Anniversary Gala"  and giving away several prizes throughout the day. I've selected you as a recipient of one of 10 reviews I'm handing out today, which also comes with 10,000 Gift Points for you to spend as you please. *Smile*

I'm enclosing the following review for your consideration, but please keep in mind that these comments are my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of them as you see fit.


WHAT WORKED

*Bullet* I like the concept of this poem about the ups and downs of the experience of love. You did a good job of capturing the emotions involved in something as complex (and simple) as love, and I think that there's a lot of potential in this piece of writing.


WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

*Bullet* There are a great many typos and technical errors in this piece, to the point where it made readability difficult. Since this is a short piece, I've copied and pasted your poem below, with the proper spelling/homonym/grammar in [brackets]. I would suggest going through your piece and fixing all the technical errors as it will make the writing seem much more polished and easier to read.

[Don't] trust a single [soul], words come from tongues and [sometimes] they [roll].
lies with [ease] like any easy breeze.
anything to keep the sun [shining].
[I'd] rather be dumb minded than aware of all the pain.
and [where] is all the pain?
[I] look your way but your expression has no change.
and [I] suppose [there's] little chance [of] once again feeling the same.
or feeling what we felt.
instead of nether regions
only shirt collars getting wet.
Disgusting is how [I] felt
when discussing about [myself].
it seems [I] let you down and now [I'm] forced to find [myself].


OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I like the premise, but the execution needs a lot of work. If this is a rough draft, that's okay (although you may want to note that it's a draft), but a more polished presentation when it's finished will help other reviewers focus on the emotions and the meaning behind the piece, rather than the superficial technical details that need to be fixed. But you're off to a good start! *Smile*


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material, and again, welcome to Writing.Com! If you'd like to introduce yourself over at "SoCalScribe's 10th Anniversary Gala" , please feel free to click on the link or the image at the bottom of this review and stop by to say hello! *Bigsmile*

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,


SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group" 
"The Dark Society" 
"Blogocentric Formulations" 

Logo for SoCalScribe's 10th Anniversary Gala activity.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
368
368
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)

Hi Adefolahan Bashirdeen Adeyemo -

As a newer member of this site, I wanted to take a moment to welcome you to Writing.Com. Today is actually my 10th anniversary of being a member here, and I'm celebrating by hosting "SoCalScribe's 10th Anniversary Gala"  and giving away several prizes throughout the day. I've selected you as a recipient of one of 10 reviews I'm handing out today, which also comes with 10,000 Gift Points for you to spend as you please. *Smile*

I'm enclosing the following review for your consideration, but please keep in mind that these comments are my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of them as you see fit.


WHAT WORKED

*Bullet* I think there's a lot of truth to the attributes to true love that you've listed. This is clearly a well-developed thought and the item really makes the reader stop and think about which of those elements are present in or missing from their own relationships. *Thumbsup*


WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

*Bullet* TYPO: "Yes, true love [definitely] exists, but it isn't how most people think it is."

*Bullet* Having two separate numbering schemes in the item was a little confusing. Since you're listing the same thing (attributes of true love), I think you might be better off clarifying them with one cohesive list rather than two separate ones.


OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I like the concept of this piece and can tell you put a lot of thought into the content. Combining the two separate lists into one complete list will make things a little more streamlined, but other than that, it was an enjoyable, informative read. Well done!


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material, and again, welcome to Writing.Com! If you'd like to introduce yourself over at "SoCalScribe's 10th Anniversary Gala" , please feel free to click on the link or the image at the bottom of this review and stop by to say hello! *Bigsmile*

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,


SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group" 
"The Dark Society" 
"Blogocentric Formulations" 

Logo for SoCalScribe's 10th Anniversary Gala activity.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
369
369
Rated: E | (3.0)

Hi K.P. McCulley -

As a newer member of this site, I wanted to take a moment to welcome you to Writing.Com. Today is actually my 10th anniversary of being a member here, and I'm celebrating by hosting "SoCalScribe's 10th Anniversary Gala"  and giving away several prizes throughout the day. I've selected you as a recipient of one of 10 reviews I'm handing out today, which also comes with 10,000 Gift Points for you to spend as you please. *Smile*

I'm enclosing the following review for your consideration, but please keep in mind that these comments are my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of them as you see fit.


WHAT WORKED

*Bullet* You did a great job setting up the backstory for what you mention in your intro description is a larger "Beyond the Fire" universe. In comparatively few words you managed to convey a lot of information about the state of affairs (politics, personal agenda, etc.) in the present setting, and clearly established the character of Admiral Adams (and to a lesser extent, his daughter) to play a major role in that larger story.


WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

*Bullet* I did feel like this item, in and of itself, wasn't much of a short story. As background and exposition, it's a great jumping-off point for a larger narrative... but as a standalone short story it's missing a story arc that gives us a definitive beginning, middle, and end. I would suggest either adding a little more to this piece to make it a full-fledged and complete short story, or perhaps adding this small bit into the larger narrative you're working on, as maybe a prologue or an introduction.

*Bullet* PUNCTUATION: "The massive Arc vessels pushed [faster and faster;] faster than any Terran had gone before."

*Bullet* TYPO: "He smiles a bit as this [woman] fills the sterile room with warmth..."

*Bullet* TYPO: "Dad, if it wasn't for you, the [Arcs] would never [have] made it into orbit." (Based on the second sentence of the story, which refers to the ships as "Arcs."

*Bullet* TYPO: "We don't even know [if] this planet they are sending us to is habitable."


OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I thought this was a great introduction to the larger "Beyond the Fire" world that you're creating. Although this item on its own was lacking a little bit of narrative structure, you clearly established the character of Admiral Adams, which is by far the more important task given that you're writing a larger body of work featuring him. Nice work! *Smile*


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material, and again, welcome to Writing.Com! If you'd like to introduce yourself over at "SoCalScribe's 10th Anniversary Gala" , please feel free to click on the link or the image at the bottom of this review and stop by to say hello! *Bigsmile*

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,


SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group" 
"The Dark Society" 
"Blogocentric Formulations" 

Logo for SoCalScribe's 10th Anniversary Gala activity.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
370
370
Review of A word of silence  
In affiliation with The Dark Society  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Logo for The Dark Society's Valentine's Day Review Massacre



Hi ShiningSword -

Today, "The Dark Society"  is celebrating the most romantic day of the year by hosting a "Valentine's Day Review Massacre" ! I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

*Bullet* I really liked the premise of this poem. I think it was a good idea and really has the potential to be a resonant, affecting piece of writing.


WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

*Bullet* There were quite a few tense shifts in the structuring of this piece. Since it's relatively short, I've copied and pasted the item below with my corrections to make everything the proper tense:

This silence
[Makes] my heart beat
So fast
That I feel nervous

It seems
Like silence
Was ruining
The peace in me

It's quiet
I know
But it [has] a word
It [wants] to say something

But how will [I] know
If it speaks
A word
In "silence"



OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I thought this was a great idea for a poem... by polishing up the conflicting tense issue, I think it will be a much stronger piece. Great start, though! *Smile*


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,


SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group" 
"The Dark Society" 
"Blogocentric Formulations" 


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
371
371
Review of Night Vision  
In affiliation with The Dark Society  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Logo for The Dark Society's Valentine's Day Review Massacre



Hi Joy -

Today, "The Dark Society"  is celebrating the most romantic day of the year by hosting a "Valentine's Day Review Massacre" ! I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

*Bullet* I really loved the tone and cadence of this piece. It was an evocative, quick item that was fun and entertaining to read. You did a great job of navigating the narrow precipice between horror and comedy, never going too far in one direction or the other. *Thumbsup*


WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

*Bullet* No suggestions for improvement. I thought this poem was great. *Smile*


OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I really enjoyed this piece. I thought you did a fantastic job with it and I'm impressed with your ability to include both the comedy and horror genres in the same short poem. *Smile*


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,


SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group" 
"The Dark Society" 
"Blogocentric Formulations" 


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
372
372
In affiliation with The Dark Society  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Logo for The Dark Society's Valentine's Day Review Massacre



Hi Rose -

Today, "The Dark Society"  is celebrating the most romantic day of the year by hosting a "Valentine's Day Review Massacre" ! I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

*Bullet* Loved the twist and the end of this poem. I thought it was well structured and built toward a surprising realization at the very end. It was easy to follow and flowed well. Nicely done! *Smile*


WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

*Bullet* There were a couple of formatting/technical issues. The line should read, "Low snarls [silence] the melodies" and the fourth to last line ("The creature from the closet is the fear") actually splits the first word leaving the "t" on the line above it.

*Bullet* I really liked the idea of the monster in the closet being a person's own worst self, but I felt a little disconnect between that concept and the description of things unrelated to that closet a little earlier in the piece.


OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I think this piece has a lot of potential. It's a great concept and I think you did a good job with the detail and description. Nice work!


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,


SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group" 
"The Dark Society" 
"Blogocentric Formulations" 


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
373
373
In affiliation with The Dark Society  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Logo for The Dark Society's Valentine's Day Review Massacre



Hi Scarecrow_Poet -

Today, "The Dark Society"  is celebrating the most romantic day of the year by hosting a "Valentine's Day Review Massacre" ! I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

*Bullet* I thought this was a great homage to one of Poe's most enduring and famous works. You really captured the essence and sense of uncertain terror that was present in "The Raven" while still putting your own spin on it. *Thumbsup*


WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

*Bullet* The couplet "Who is there tapping at my door / 'Tis a quarter past four?" felt a little off to me... the second line was noticeably shorter than it's counterpart, which caused a bit of a skip as I was reading.

*Bullet* In the couplet, "No more fun and games to who taps on this door," I think the second line would be stronger if it were, "I will settle for this indecency [no] more" rather than saying "once more" and implying that he's not quite at his wit's end just yet. *Wink*


OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I had a great time reading this item and thought you really did a wonderful job capturing the style of Poe in your own work. Nice job!


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,


SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group" 
"The Dark Society" 
"Blogocentric Formulations" 


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
374
374
Review of Ghost Rider  
In affiliation with The Dark Society  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Logo for The Dark Society's Valentine's Day Review Massacre



Hi Legerdemain -

Today, "The Dark Society"  is celebrating the most romantic day of the year by hosting a "Valentine's Day Review Massacre" ! I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

*Bullet* Great imagery! In four short, concise stanzas you still managed to create detail and description that left a vivid image in my mind as I read. Excellent word choice and structure; this was a real pleasure to read. *Smile*


WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

*Bullet* I can't think of anything that needs improvement.


OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I think this was a great short poem. It was clear, evocative, well-written and well-structured, and had me captivated from beginning to end. Great work! *Thumbsup*


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,


SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group" 
"The Dark Society" 
"Blogocentric Formulations" 


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
375
375
In affiliation with The Dark Society  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Logo for The Dark Society's Valentine's Day Review Massacre



Hi Shannon -

Today, "The Dark Society"  is celebrating the most romantic day of the year by hosting a "Valentine's Day Review Massacre" ! I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

*Bullet* I thought you did a fantastic job with this story. The journal entry from Devin was both entertaining and chilling, especially when he's providing the reader with a list of suggestions about how to survive.

*Bullet* The level of detail and description is excellent. I thought you included some wonderful, descriptive information that really helped the story come alive. As usual, your attention to detail and ability to describe the narrative never disappoints. *Smile*


WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

*Bullet* The one thing I didn't understand was Devin's need to hide his journals in relatively secure locations (i.e. taped under a slide, hidden in a toilet tank, etc.) rather than simply leaving them where they are accessible. Are the LD's intelligent enough to notice the journal and possibly use it to find him at his next location? I guess I was hoping for a little more clarity about why he needs to conceal the journals so completely if the goal is for other people to find and read them.


OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, this was a great short story and a wonderful take on the prompt. It was well-written, entertaining, and was a fresh take on the zombie genre. Well done! *Smile*


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,


SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group" 
"The Dark Society" 
"Blogocentric Formulations" 


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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