*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/socalscribe/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/6
Review Requests: OFF
3,802 Public Reviews Given
Review Style
I balance my reviews by commenting both on what worked and suggestions for improvement. I evaluate material as honestly and objectively as possible, while still being positive and supportive. I can adapt my review style to fit the kind of feedback an author is looking for (e.g., tough love, encouragement, alternative suggestions, etc.).
I'm good at...
Structure, pacing, characterization, plotting, dialogue, and considerations for the professional marketplace. I'm okay at technical editing but much better with broader creative considerations.
Favorite Genres
Action/Adventure, Mystery/Crime/Thriller, Science Fiction/Fantasy
Least Favorite Genres
Nonsense/Experimental Prose
Favorite Item Types
Short stories, novels, essays and other nonfiction writing on a variety of topics.
Least Favorite Item Types
Poetry. (I'm not as familiar with poetic forms as I am with prose.)
I will not review...
Insincere writing. I typically put a lot of thought and effort into my reviews, so I try to focus my efforts on authors who are serious about improving their work. Beyond that, no genre is too weird, no content rating is too high, no form or length is too daunting. I'm open to anything.
Public Reviews
Previous ... 2 3 4 5 -6- 7 8 9 10 11 ... Next
126
126
Review of Lina's Dare  
Review by Jeff
In affiliation with Unofficial Erotica Newsletter ...  
Rated: GC | (3.5)
A new logo image for the UENG, created December 2013.


Hi Purple Princess -

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following "Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that these comments are only my own opinions.

WHAT I LIKED

The story was very well-written. The erotic elements were sensual and well-described, and the characters were realistic and interesting. It was clear from even this short piece that Lina and Allen are a good fit for one another and really connect on a variety of levels.


SUGGESTIONS FOR IMPROVEMENT

I would have liked to see the prompt worked into the story a little better rather than simply as a one-time starting point for the story. I also felt that the "dare" that Allen gave Lina didn't really have much significance since the actions the characters take are clearly within their comfort zones. It would be one thing if Allen were daring a normally submissive or passive Lina to take control, but her actions later in the story make it clear that she's very comfortable being in control... and her version of being in control is essentially pleasing Allen... so it didn't feel like much of a striking or surprising dare when both characters got exactly what they wanted and were expecting out of the game. I think it would have been a little more compelling if the dare involved adding some facet to their relationship that was new or surprising.


OVERALL IMPRESSIONS

Overall, I thought the story was well-written and the characters were fun and entertaining. I think this is a solid entry and a great foundation for a story that could be really excellent with a bit of revision. Nice work! *Smile*


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material; keep up the good work and keep writing!


Jeff

Please check out these groups:
"The Screenwriting Group
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group
"The Dark Society


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
127
127
Review by Jeff
In affiliation with Unofficial Erotica Newsletter ...  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
A new logo image for the UENG, created December 2013.


Hi SkyHawk - Into The Music -

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following "Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that these comments are only my own opinions.

WHAT I LIKED

I enjoyed the pacing, the flow, and the imagery of this poem. It was long, which you warned about in the intro, but I don't think it was unduly so. You might be able to edit out a handful of stanzas in the interest of streamlining the whole poem, but I think it worked as a longform poem and it was certainly evocative and erotic.


SUGGESTIONS FOR IMPROVEMENT

One of the big issues I had with the poem were that it seemed like sometimes there was a rhyme scheme and sometimes there wasn't. It led to a bit of frustration at feeling like I should see some kind of pattern that wasn't already there. Especially in a piece where you are mixing forms and having some lines rhyme and others not, you may want to mention that so the reader doesn't think that you're making form-related mistakes in the piece.

The other suggestion I have is to give the whole poem a thorough edit for extraneous words. This is a piece that seems to work best with a few impactful words rather than lots of excess or unnecessary ones, and there are several points where I think you could remove words without significantly altering the meaning of the line. For example:

         *Bullet* "She came here with a goal"
         *Bullet* "What be that price? She wonders"
         *Bullet* "Kneeling in this darkened room she is"
         *Bullet* "Feeling [His] powerful gaze that is His"


OVERALL IMPRESSIONS

Overall, I really enjoyed this erotic poem. I don't read erotic poetry too often, but I think you did a great job at creating a vivid, entertaining, sensual poem. It would be my pleasure to feature it in the next UEN!


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material; keep up the good work and keep writing!


Jeff

Please check out these groups:
"The Screenwriting Group
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group
"The Dark Society


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
128
128
Review of Clinically Sane  
Review by Jeff
In affiliation with The Dark Society  
Rated: GC | (4.0)
A new banner for The Dark Society.


*Skull* Official Judges' Review *Skull*


Hi Charlie ~ thx anon -

I had a chance to read your item today as a judge for the "Sinister Stories Contest, and have enclosed the following review on behalf of "The Dark Society for your consideration. Please keep in mind that these comments are only my own opinions.



CONCEPT/PREMISE

This was a great take on the prompt and you worked an effective and appropriate line of the song effortlessly into the narrative. It was so effortless that if you hadn't bolded the line, I wouldn't have even known which one was from the song. Well done!


STORYLINE

I really enjoyed the story. I would have liked a little more information about why Dave was in the institution in the first place and how the relationships with Marabeth and his wife interconnect, but even without those elements the story was compelling and kept my interest all the way through. *Thumbsup*


CHARACTERIZATION

As mentioned above, I think there's room for some additional character work to understand the relationship between Dave and the two women in his life, but I think you did a great job capturing Dave's personality and making him seem relatively normal to the reader until he snaps. It happens suddenly and violently and that was a very effective choice.


DIALOGUE

The dialogue was effective and moved the story along nicely. No issues here. *Smile*


STRUCTURE

The story was concise, well-paced, and engaging. There were no points where the action dragged or I found myself getting distracted; it was a very compelling read from start to finish.


TECHNICAL

TYPOS: "How could you even suggest that I go back to that woman, that terrible [shrew] who got me locked up in the first place[?]"

TYPO: "I gripped the cold handle of the .45 inside my jacket [pocket]."


OVERALL

Overall, even though there were only two entries for this round, I decided that I wanted to send you some GPs for this story because you did such a good job with it. Thanks for taking the time to enter the Sinister Stories contest; I know it was part of Kiya's Wodehouse Challenge, but I hope you'll come visit us again sometime!


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material; keep up the good work and keep writing!


Jeff

Please check out these items:
"The Screenwriting Group
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group
"The Dark Society


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
129
129
Review by Jeff
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi Shara-vacationing till Feb 20 -

Thank you for sending me a review request! It's my pleasure to be able to enclose the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that these comments are only my own opinions.


It's difficult to make general comments on your writing style from just a few hundred words, but overall, I think you did a good job with the detail and description. You were clearly able to use sensory input to your full advantage and created vibrant imagery in just a few short paragraphs. I didn't get much of a sense of the characters, though.

The one suggestion I would make is to make sure the internal emotions of the narrator match the style with which you're writing. The scene you're depicting is told from the narrator's perspective in a relaxed, after-the-fact, satisfied kind of tone. We get the impression that this is a moment of tranquility and peace... but then the fourth paragraph talks about how her heartbeat is elevated and that she's getting the sensation of butterflies, which are typically anxious feelings that produce the opposite effect in someone. If we're in the same "post-coital" moment, it creates a conflicting tone to one moment be talking about how relaxed everything is, and then in the next moment portray your same narrator as nervous and edgy (even if it's in a good way).

I thought you did a good job with that twist at the end, although the "had I just sinned?" line could be improved. I think it's pretty clear that she's just sinned if she's with one man when she gets a text message from another who happens to be her husband. I think it might be more effective to go with the traditional "what have I done?" or perhaps something that isn't necessarily about questioning the morality of what she's done as much as questioning where she'll go from here. Perhaps, "Oh Dear God, how will I live with myself now?" or "Oh Dear God, what do I do now?" or "Oh Dear God, Ryan can never know about this."

Overall, I enjoyed the read and I think you've done a great job with the physical description in a scene. You write clearly and evocatively, and I think you did a good job on this short piece.


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material; keep up the good work and keep writing!


Jeff
Logo for Senior Moderators - small

Please check out these groups:
"The Screenwriting Group
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group
"The Dark Society


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
130
130
Review by Jeff
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Hi Danza -

Thank you for sending me a review request! It's my pleasure to be able to enclose the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that these comments are only my own opinions.

Overall, I think this is a wonderful tribute to your grandfather. The reader really gets a sense of how much he meant to you and your family, and you did an excellent job providing details that help readers feel like they get to know him a little. I have just a couple of relatively small suggestions for your consideration:

In the second paragraph, the line "We'd all sit around as the teetering stacks of presents grew before our eyes" is a little ambiguous. Do you mean that as presents are pulled out from under the tree (or elsewhere) and stacked in front of each person that the individual stacks grew? I mention this because I think there needs to be a little clarity; it sounds as if the actual number of presents in the room total is increasing magically somehow. I assume you're referring to the stacks of presents being passed out, but it might be worth clarifying since not everyone opens presents the same way... and for those of us who open one at a time, or don't otherwise subdivide them first, it might help to be clearer what you mean about "stacks of presents [growing] before [your] eyes." *Smile*

I would have loved to have read an explanation for why your family opens presents on Christmas Eve when your grandfather opens his on Christmas. It seems like most traditions get passed down through the generations relatively intact (my family, for example, always opens them on Christmas Day... because that was how my parents did it... and that's how their parents did it; my wife's family, on the other hand, opens them on Christmas Eve... because that was how her parents did it... and that's how their parents did it). It would be a fascinating addition to the story to know why your grandfather has a different tradition from everyone else (and when/why it changed).

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material; keep up the good work and keep writing!


Jeff
Logo for Senior Moderators - small

Please check out these groups:
"The Screenwriting Group
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group
"The Dark Society


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
131
131
Review by Jeff
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hi -

Thank you for sending me a review request! It's my pleasure to be able to enclose the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that these comments are only my own opinions.

I've also taken the liberty of reviewing your individual chapters for specific feedback, which you can find here:

         Review of "The Gift of Revenge"
         Review of "The Gift of Revenge"
         Review of "The Gift of Revenge"

Overall, I think you've got an interesting story with compelling characters. There's a sense of a larger narrative unfolding that I really like. One of the biggest areas in need of improvement, though, is that the individual chapters seemed more like vignettes rather than pieces of a larger whole. I think part of that has to do with the fact that the chapters are very short and focus on completely separate events; if the chapters were a little longer and the transitions more naturally flowed from the events of one chapter to the next, I think it would feel a little more connected than it currently does.

I'd also recommend expanding the story a bit to give the reader a better sense of the world you're building. The wall Ailus is constructing, for example, and the supposedly-contained plague victims, and even the disputes between Ailus and his enemy are a little muddy without having a larger sense of the world stage against which they're playing. I'd recommend developing the world just a little bit more in these initial chapters so that the reader can visualize and imagine the setting that is coming into play for all these characters.

I think this story does need a lot of work, but I also think you've got a great foundation here and are off to a good start. With some revision and expansion, this could be a very entertaining fantasy story. *Smile*

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material; keep up the good work and keep writing!


Jeff
Logo for Senior Moderators - small

Please check out these groups:
"The Screenwriting Group
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group
"The Dark Society


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
132
132
for entry "Chapter 3
Review by Jeff
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hi Ellis,

I'm going to send a few individual thoughts for each chapter, and then I'll send an overall review for the item as a whole as soon as I'm done with the individual components. *Smile*

I think this chapter would be stronger if you continued to describe the action of the invasion, rather than just mentioning that "chaos unfolded." In writing, the advice is often "show, don't tell," and - while there are times when "telling" is helpful or useful - I don't think this is one of those times. We're still in the early stages of this story, where the readers are still making up their minds about whether this is a story they want to invest in and read further. I think you'd be better served by describing the scene in detail and giving the reader some insight to how you intend this story to unfold on a more detailed level than just a sweeping overview. "Telling" is generally more effective after you've established everything and are a good portion of the way through the narrative, rather than when you're in the first few chapters. *Smile*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
133
133
for entry "Chapter 2
Review by Jeff
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hi Ellis,

I'm going to send a few individual thoughts for each chapter, and then I'll send an overall review for the item as a whole as soon as I'm done with the individual components. *Smile*

For me, this chapter ends at a really abrupt point. I like the fact that you're trying to end your chapters on a note that leaves the reader wanting more, but in this particular case, it just feels like an odd place to stop, since there's really nothing sinister or surprising about dialogue where a host asks his guests (sincerely or not) whether they've had safe travels. I would try to find a more dynamic place to end this particular chapter.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
134
134
for entry "Chapter 1
Review by Jeff
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hi Ellis,

I'm going to send a few individual thoughts for each chapter, and then I'll send an overall review for the item as a whole as soon as I'm done with the individual components. *Smile*

I thought this was an interesting first chapter to the story, although I found it a little short. I really liked the action, but it felt like this was just a snippet that should be included in a larger part. When you're first starting a story (especially a fantasy story where you've got world-building to do), I think it's a good idea to develop a little of that world. For example, you could describe the terrain found on the battle map, or providing a little exposition explaining what happened to Lord Ailus' to want him to exact vengeance. Overall, I think it's a good start, but a first chapter should probably be a little longer and include a little more detail so that the reader can become fully immersed in the fantasy world you've created. *Smile*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
135
135
Review of Attention Adults  
Review by Jeff
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hi EllisRosser -

Thank you for sending me a review request! It's my pleasure to be able to enclose the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that these comments are only my own opinions.

I'm certainly no expert in poetry, so please take everything with a grain of salt. *Wink* Overall, I enjoyed your poem and thought you did a great job portraying the point of view of the younger generation speaking to older ones about how they perceive being seen. I think the disclaimer at the bottom is a nice touch that lets the reader know you're taking a narrative point of view but also acknowledging that not everyone is the same. Your "abcb" rhyme scheme was good, but there were a couple of lines that I felt didn't quite rhyme as well as the others, particularly in the fourth stanza (criminal & miracle) and the fifth stanza (moods & rude). The former almost rhymes (but not quite), and the plural vs. non-plural in the latter throws the rhyme off just a bit. Other than that, I thought you did a good job with this piece and I think you've got the foundation of a really strong piece of poetry here. Nice work!

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material; keep up the good work and keep writing!


Jeff
Logo for Senior Moderators - small

Please check out these groups:
"The Screenwriting Group
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group
"The Dark Society


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
136
136
Review by Jeff
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Lynda Miller -

Thank you for sending me a review request! It's my pleasure to be able to enclose the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that these comments are only my own opinions.

First of all, I'm terribly sorry for the delay in sending this review. Things at work and heading into the holidays got a little crazy and I just plain forgot that I needed to get this review done. I hope there's still time to edit before the contest deadline or, if not, that you'll accept my humble apology for such a long wait for this review. *Blush*

In the first paragraph, the last sentence has quite a few extra commas that I don't think you need:

When spring and summer comes, the beauty of the trees putting on their leaves and the wild flowers popping up, gives an artist and photographer like me, all the floral, fauna and animals to photograph and paint.

Also in that sentence, "fauna" literally means "the animals of a particular region, habitat, or geological period," so you don't need to say "fauna and animals to photograph" since that's redundant. The term "flora and fauna" cover pretty much every plant and animal in a general area, so there's no need to expand past that. *Smile*

As a personal preference, I would probably call Skeeter "a cross between an Irish Wolfhound and St. Bernard" (rather than "Beethoven") as some readers may be unfamiliar with the film franchise featuring that particular dog breed.

There's a slight tense change in these sentences:

"As I lay there, Skeeter managed to crawled to my side and licked my face."

"I have to keep my hands [bandaged] for quite some time and there will be surgeries in the near future."

I enjoyed the story and thought it made for a compelling tale. If there were one overall suggestion for improvement I could make, it would be to add a little more urgency to the scene with the bear attack. The whole story was rather even-keeled in terms of its telling (which can be a problem with narratives that recount stories in the past), and the presentation of the bear attack felt a little matter-of-fact, without the passion and intensity I would expect to find someone as they retell an anecdote about they time they almost got mauled to death by a bear. I would have loved to read that scene with a greater sense of urgency and danger. The reader obviously knows the narrator lives through the ordeal (since there's a journal entry to read about it!), but I would perhaps spend a little more time focusing on the immediacy of the moment and the fear and thoughts that were going through the narrator's mind during the attack so that the audience gets an appropriate sense of apprehension and dread as the bear attack unfolds.

Other than that, I thought you did a great job with this story. The narrator was an interesting, compelling character and the narrative kept my interest all the way through. Nice work! *Smile*


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material; keep up the good work and keep writing!


Jeff
Logo for Senior Moderators - small

Please check out these groups:
"The Screenwriting Group
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group
"The Dark Society


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
137
137
Review by Jeff
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
Journey Through Genres: Official Contest  [E]
Write a short story in the given genre to win big prizes!
by Writing.Com Support

*Pentagram* Official Judges' Review *Pentagram*


Hi QueenOwl ~ A New Day Dawns -

I had a chance to read your item today as a judge for the "Journey Through Genres: Official Contest official contest, and have enclosed the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that these comments are only my own opinions.



CREATIVE ELEMENTS

You did a great job with the characters in this story. I thought they were all well developed and interesting, and you created an engaging narrative that really captured this reader's attention from start to finish. That said, I did think that this piece only really used the "occult" genre prompt in a peripheral way that didn't have much of an appearance in or bearing on the story until the very end. I would have liked to have seen a little more integration of the prompt throughout the story.


TECHNICAL ELEMENTS

I couldn't find any technical errors in need of improvement. *Thumbsup*


OVERALL

Overall, I thought this was an intriguing story with a clear and well established set of characters and narrative. Nice work!


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material; keep up the good work and keep writing!


Jeff

Please check out these items:
"The Screenwriting Group
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group
"The Dark Society


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
138
138
Review of The Premonition  
Review by Jeff
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Journey Through Genres: Official Contest  [E]
Write a short story in the given genre to win big prizes!
by Writing.Com Support

*Pentagram* Official Judges' Review *Pentagram*


Hi billwilcox -

I had a chance to read your item today as a judge for the "Journey Through Genres: Official Contest official contest, and have enclosed the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that these comments are only my own opinions.



CREATIVE ELEMENTS

This was a delightfully creepy story with a great ending. The story flowed well and built to an inevitable and yet still surprising conclusion. I would have loved to have read a little more detail about the dream state and what happened to Joe that led to his having the premonition, but you did a great job with everything, including the description and imagery, which were just enough to create a vivid picture in this reader's mind without slowing down the pace of the narrative.


TECHNICAL ELEMENTS

No technical errors that I could find. *Thumbsup*


OVERALL

Overall, I thought this was a great horror/occult story that kept me riveted from beginning to end. Well done!


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material; keep up the good work and keep writing!


Jeff

Please check out these items:
"The Screenwriting Group
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group
"The Dark Society


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
139
139
Review of One Man's Trash  
Review by Jeff
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Journey Through Genres: Official Contest  [E]
Write a short story in the given genre to win big prizes!
by Writing.Com Support

*Pentagram* Official Judges' Review *Pentagram*


Hi J. B. Anthony -

I had a chance to read your item today as a judge for the "Journey Through Genres: Official Contest official contest, and have enclosed the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that these comments are only my own opinions.



CREATIVE ELEMENTS

This was a very entertaining and well-written story. You made great use of the prompt and the entire narrative was well-paced and engaging. Once I started reading, I didn't want to stop! *Smile*


TECHNICAL ELEMENTS

The only small suggestion for improvement I have is to get rid of the short asides that so often accompany a new character's introduction. For example with the sentence, "The sheriff, a sleepy man of great respectability but little experience (owing to the sleepy nature of the town, no doubt) promised action but gave few specifics." feels unnecessarily long and could have been shorted without changing the meaning to, "The sheriff promised action but gave few specifics." Similarly, the sentence "Well, folks were generally inclined to take Mrs. Blake as a trustworthy woman, certainly not one to go to such lengths as to remove the nail polish from one hand..." could have more simply been phrased as "Well, folks were generally inclined to take Mrs. Blake as a trustworthy woman." The added information slows down the read significantly, and I think this is the type of story best read quickly for effect.


OVERALL

Overall, the technical issue pointed out above is a rather minor suggestion for an otherwise excellent story. Well done! *Smile*


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material; keep up the good work and keep writing!


Jeff

Please check out these items:
"The Screenwriting Group
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group
"The Dark Society


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
140
140
Review of One dark night  
Review by Jeff
Rated: E | (3.5)
Journey Through Genres: Official Contest  [E]
Write a short story in the given genre to win big prizes!
by Writing.Com Support

*Pentagram* Official Judges' Review *Pentagram*


Hi cambusken -

I had a chance to read your item today as a judge for the "Journey Through Genres: Official Contest official contest, and have enclosed the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that these comments are only my own opinions.



CREATIVE ELEMENTS

I thought you did a great job coming up with a clever twist at the end of the story to take it in an unexpected direction. The characters were interesting and the setup you put them in immediately grabbed this reader's attention.


TECHNICAL ELEMENTS

The story felt a little light on the "occult" genre prompt. Overall there didn't seem to be much emphasis on magic or the supernatural other than a very brief moment where they think they see a monster (and it actually turns out to be something decidedly ordinary by comparison). I would have loved to have seen the occult genre aspect worked into the story a bit more, perhaps - for example - by having the characters discuss some legend or scary story while they wander through the woods.


OVERALL

Overall, I thought this was an entertaining story with a satisfying ending. I don't think that it was necessarily the best fit for the prompt, but as a standalone story independent of the contest, I really enjoyed the read. Nice work! *Smile*


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material; keep up the good work and keep writing!


Jeff

Please check out these items:
"The Screenwriting Group
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group
"The Dark Society


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
141
141
Review by Jeff
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Journey Through Genres: Official Contest  [E]
Write a short story in the given genre to win big prizes!
by Writing.Com Support

*Pentagram* Official Judges' Review *Pentagram*


Hi Oldwarrior -

I had a chance to read your item today as a judge for the "Journey Through Genres: Official Contest official contest, and have enclosed the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that these comments are only my own opinions.



CREATIVE ELEMENTS

I really loved your take on the prompt. You came up with a unique, interesting take on the prompt and the story held my interest all the way through. One of the most fascinating things about occult stories (at least for me) is the mythology that history that goes into the supernatural or magical elements that are depicted... and you did a fantastic job making yours engaging and compelling. Your character development of Father Joe was also well done.


TECHNICAL ELEMENTS

No technical errors that I could find. *Thumbsup*


OVERALL

Overall, I wish I had some suggestions for improvement, but I think you did a great job with this story. You took the occult genre prompt and turned it into a compelling story that was a quick, easy, engaging read. Well done!


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material; keep up the good work and keep writing!


Jeff

Please check out these items:
"The Screenwriting Group
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group
"The Dark Society


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
142
142
Review of Ricky  
Review by Jeff
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Journey Through Genres: Official Contest  [E]
Write a short story in the given genre to win big prizes!
by Writing.Com Support

*Pentagram* Official Judges' Review *Pentagram*


Hi Kotaro -

I had a chance to read your item today as a judge for the "Journey Through Genres: Official Contest official contest, and have enclosed the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that these comments are only my own opinions.



CREATIVE ELEMENTS

I like your take on the prompt. The ending made it all the more creepy and potentially supernatural/magical in origin, so I really think it worked for the prompt. Your characters were interesting and the narrative was engaging. All in all, this was a solid entry.


TECHNICAL ELEMENTS

No technically errors that I could find.


OVERALL

Overall, I thought this was a good entry for the contest. It followed the prompt, was engaging to read, and kept my interest from start to finish. Even though it was significantly less than the allowed word count, I think the brevity works well in this case. Nice job!


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material; keep up the good work and keep writing!


Jeff

Please check out these items:
"The Screenwriting Group
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group
"The Dark Society


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
143
143
Review by Jeff
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Journey Through Genres: Official Contest  [E]
Write a short story in the given genre to win big prizes!
by Writing.Com Support

*Pentagram* Official Judges' Review *Pentagram*


Hi Shannon -

I had a chance to read your item today as a judge for the "Journey Through Genres: Official Contest official contest, and have enclosed the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that these comments are only my own opinions.



CREATIVE ELEMENTS

I really loved this story; I thought you did a great job coming up with a take on the prompt that prominently features the occult genre throughout the story. All of the characters were fun and interesting, and the story moved along nicely all the way and through the ending, which was a little surprising and entirely satisfying.


TECHNICAL ELEMENTS

No spelling or grammatical errors that I could find. *Thumbsup*


OVERALL

Overall, I wish I had some suggestions for improvement, but I think you did an excellent job with this story just the way it is. It was well-written, entertaining, and I didn't want it to end! *Bigsmile*


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material; keep up the good work and keep writing!


Jeff

Please check out these items:
"The Screenwriting Group
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group
"The Dark Society


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
144
144
Review of Maggie's Choice  
Review by Jeff
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
** Image ID #2014170 Unavailable **


Hi shk -

I had a chance to read your item today as part of the "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group's "Dare to Review" Raid, and am enclosing the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that these comments are only my own opinions.



POSITIVE ELEMENTS

I thought this was a really wonderful, life-affirming piece about the power of not giving up in the face of adversity. It's certainly relatable to many in today's world; I think at this point we've all either experienced or know someone who's experienced cancer, terminal illness, or facing the fact that their days are numbered in some way. Because of that, I think many readers will identify with your protagonist Maggie, and understand the struggle she's going through.


SUGGESTIONS FOR IMPROVEMENT

I almost wished that you would have left the last sentence about Aaron off the story. I think ending it with "Maggie was going to live - live until she died" is a much stronger and more poignant end to the story, which to me felt like it was more about Maggie's internal struggle than with what her husband thought. Aaron, for me, felt like a minor functional character; merely there to get Maggie into the right mindset for her philosophical struggle at the bank of the Seine. Bringing him back at the very end makes the story about about Aaron, when I think it should remain focused almost entirely on Maggie.

I would also suggest perhaps adding an extra space between each paragraph; on the screen it can be a little difficult to read as large blocks of text that seem to all connect; an extra line between each paragraph would help readability on the site, I think.


OVERALL IMPRESSIONS

Overall, I enjoyed this story. I thought it was well-written, compelling, and inspiring. Nice work! *Smile*



I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material; keep up the good work and keep writing!


Jeff

Please check out these groups:
"The Screenwriting Group
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group
"The Dark Society


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
145
145
Review of Oak  
Review by Jeff
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
** Image ID #2014170 Unavailable **


Hi John Nation -

I had a chance to read your item today as part of the "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group's "Dare to Review" Raid, and am enclosing the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that these comments are only my own opinions.



POSITIVE ELEMENTS

This is a really beautiful personification of a tree and the cycle of life, death, and rebirth that the natural world so often shows us. I thought this piece was very well-written, compelling, and did a great job showing us what it must be like to live a life rooted in the ground as the world moves around us. This was a very satisfying read. *Thumbsup*


SUGGESTIONS FOR IMPROVEMENT

The only small suggestion for improvement I have is to perhaps give the reader a better sense of the passage of time. The story takes our subject from acorn to what I assume is a relatively grown tree in the span of a couple paragraphs (a process that takes years), but then the temporal progression of the story stops to specifically go through the experience of one individual storm. I would consider possibly breaking up or otherwise indicating the transition from quick time progression to slower so that the reader is clear that the temporal pace is changing.


OVERALL IMPRESSIONS

Other than the time issue (which is a very minor one), I thought this was an excellent piece of writing. It was vivid, compelling, and engaging. Nice work! *Smile*



I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material; keep up the good work and keep writing!


Jeff

Please check out these groups:
"The Screenwriting Group
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group
"The Dark Society


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
146
146
Review of Relief  
Review by Jeff
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (2.5)
** Image ID #2014170 Unavailable **


Hi Aeralyn -

I had a chance to read your item today as part of the "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group's "Dare to Review" Raid, and am enclosing the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that these comments are only my own opinions.



POSITIVE ELEMENTS

This was an amusing flash fiction story. The basic elements are there; interesting characters, a conflict to overcome, and a resolution. It's not easy to fit an entire narrative in a flash fiction story, but you managed to include a complete tale with a beginning, middle, and end. Nice work!


SUGGESTIONS FOR IMPROVEMENT

The ending of the story felt a little forced. Throughout the story, Amelia is on her own in terms of worrying about the deadline, writing the essay, etc. But at the end, it's all of a sudden her mother who suddenly reminds her of the pushed deadline. I think it would have been a more organic and satisfying ending to the story if Amelia were the one to discover her own mistake.


OVERALL IMPRESSIONS

I think this is a story with a lot of potential; the characters are interesting and the conflict is clear and understandable. I do think the ending needs a little more work so it doesn't feel like it's coming out of left field, but you're off to a good start. Nice work!


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material; keep up the good work and keep writing!


Jeff

Please check out these groups:
"The Screenwriting Group
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group
"The Dark Society


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
147
147
Review of The Apple Cart  
Review by Jeff
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
** Image ID #2014170 Unavailable **


Hi Tim Chiu -

I had a chance to read your item today as part of the "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group's "Dare to Review" Raid, and am enclosing the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that these comments are only my own opinions.



POSITIVE ELEMENTS

The structure of this poem was easy to follow and it was paced well. I thought you did a good job with the descriptive language, and I'm impressed with your ability to craft a poem that has such deeper meaning in just a few short stanzas. *Smile*


SUGGESTIONS FOR IMPROVEMENT

I had a little difficulty connecting the poem to it's deeper meaning; without the information in the intro about the poem being about a hands-off U.S. foreign policy, I'm not sure I would have made the connection based solely on the item itself. I'm not sure if there's a way to work that in, but I always personally prefer writing that can stand on its own without the need for any context.


OVERALL IMPRESSIONS

Overall, I thought you did a good job with this poem. You fit a lot of information and emotion and argument into a very short poem, which is not easy to do. Well done! *Thumbsup*


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material; keep up the good work and keep writing!


Jeff

Please check out these groups:
"The Screenwriting Group
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group
"The Dark Society


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
148
148
Review of What's in a Name?  
Review by Jeff
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Walking in the rain SAJ signature


Hi Osirantinous -

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following "Showering Acts of Joy Group review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that these comments are only my own opinions.


WHAT WORKED

I've been a fan of your articles (and the Art of Criticism Newsletter in general) for quite some time now. The articles are always well-researched, presented in-depth, and confidently present a variety of concepts to consider. This article is certainly no exception. Naming our characters is one of the most important things we can do. I agonize over mine for an exceedingly long period of time, and can only imagine what it will be like when I actually have to name a real child! *Rolleyes*

Authors who can just churn out character names are ones I've always envied, although I've always disliked those that choose fairly generic names. Maybe it's because I come from a family of standard Anglo-centric names like Jeff, Matt, Steven, Dave, Carol, Karen, etc., but I've always wondered, "Why name your character 'John Carter' when you can call him something like dynamic like 'Nehemiah Slade' instead?" Wait, don't steal that one... I might want to use it later! *Pthb*


WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

I have no suggestions for improvement. I found this article to be meticulously researched, well-written, and incredibly informative and helpful to anyone looking for context or background on character names.


OVERALL IMPRESSIONS

I wish I had some suggestions for improvement, but this was an excellent article. I wish my newsletters were half this good! *Smile*


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material; keep up the good work and keep writing!


Jeff

Please check out these groups:
"The Screenwriting Group
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group
"The Dark Society


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
149
149
Review of Mathew 5:13  
Review by Jeff
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Walking in the rain SAJ signature


Hi Quick-Quill -

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following "Showering Acts of Joy Group review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that these comments are only my own opinions.


WHAT WORKED

I really liked the comparison of spirituality and the need to be involved with the seasoning (particularly saltiness) of a meal. I think it's an important lesson that a lot of people need to learn (or in many cases re-learn); it's easy to get caught up in routine or sequester ourselves in our own little corner of the world, but we have value and we add flavor to the world. We're meant to be out there in it, contributing what we can to the greater meal God has designed for us. This was an inspiring and engaging piece. Nice work! *Smile*


WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

TYPO: "[It's] bland, so we add a little more salt to make it palatable to our taste buds."

TYPO: "When [it's] all said and done[,] we speak to those who we see every service in the same capacity and go out the way we came in."

I do think there was one part of your article - the paragraph about different parts of the world liking different levels of saltiness - that went against the grain of the argument you're making. While I've certainly found that to be true (Brazilian food is incredibly bland, by the way. They don't like spices much at all.), it undercuts the rest of your argument a little, I think. For me, the theme of this piece is to "season" the world with your own participation and to add your own particular "flavor" to the people you meet and the things you do. This paragraph seems to be saying the opposite, or at least giving people a reason not to do what you're suggesting, by giving them an "out." Oh, hey, the place I live doesn't really like a lot of "seasoning." That's nice and all, but the church I go to is more "bland" and doesn't want people to add "salt" to the mix. I think it would be a more effective argument if you rewrote or removed this paragraph which seems to imply that it's okay for some people to not have a seasoned, spiced spiritual life because they might feel they live in a more bland area.


OVERALL IMPRESSIONS

Overall, I enjoyed this article. I thought it was thought-provoking and brought up some great points that we should all consider, both about our food and our faith. I think it could use a little rewriting, but you're off to a great start. Well done!


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material; keep up the good work and keep writing!


Jeff

Please check out these groups:
"The Screenwriting Group
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group
"The Dark Society


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
150
150
Review of In Mourning  
Review by Jeff
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Raining Umbrellas SAJ signature


Hi A.M.Issy -

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following "Showering Acts of Joy Group review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that these comments are only my own opinions.


WHAT WORKED

You did an excellent job with the imagery and detailed description in this poem. Each line was eloquent and flowed nicely. It was written very visually, and although I'm not exactly the world's best judge of poetry, I enjoyed reading this piece.


WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

The only real suggestion for improvement for your consideration is the repeated refrain of "come back" in the second stanza. Whenever I read a poem and the structure of the poem isn't specifically mentioned, I look to the structure of the first stanza or two in order to give myself an idea of how the rest of the poem will play out. Therefore, I was expecting to see the same structure (a brief refrain) in each of the other stanzas and felt a little thrown when it didn't appear in anything other than the first stanza. I'd recommend perhaps adding the same refrain structure to the other stanzas or removing it from the first one, so that each of the stanzas is consistent in structure.


OVERALL IMPRESSIONS

Overall, I enjoyed this poem. I thought it was creative, interesting and visual. I do think the structure could be refined a little, but you're off to a great start. Nice work!


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material; keep up the good work and keep writing!


Jeff

Please check out these groups:
"The Screenwriting Group
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group
"The Dark Society


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
1,307 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 53 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/socalscribe/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/6