Hello Jay-J
Congratulations on your Writing.com account anniversary this month! I'm sending this review in honor of the occasion, courtesy of the "Anniversary Reviews" activity.
Premise
I really liked the premise of this story, where a character is trying to come to terms with the death of a loved one. Grief is a complex, complicated emotion and I always admire stories that try to capture the essence of what it means to grieve. I think there's a lot of potential in stories like this.
Story
The biggest unanswered question in this story is the "why" of it all. Patient care directives are fairly well established and there are enormous consequences for medical professionals who ignore the care directives of their patients; yet multiple medical professionals in this story just straight-up ignore the wishes of their patient (thereby exposing themselves to massive liability). Why would they do that? Was there something about Laura's situation that makes her unique? Is this a medical facility that has a habit of violating patient directives? Throughout the story Joseph and Carol have this almost clinical conversation about something that, if it were to happen, would likely be one of the largest single-patient medical malpractice suits in modern history... so I'm really interested to know more about the circumstances of how that came to pass!
Characters
The story started with a recitation of details about Joseph's demeanor and background that felt a little too expository. In a piece of this length, while some character development must be done in the form of "telling" the audience, I'd recommend finding at least a few details that you can "show" the audience instead, and convey those elements to the reader through character choices and action rather than simply stating a fact. For example, sentiments like, "Today he is grieving" and "Joseph is a remarkable man" and "Her tragic passing left Joseph devastated and struggling" are all the kinds of things that you can communicate with active moments in the story, which will make those emotions all the more vivid for your reader as well.
Dialogue
The dialogue in this story has a tendency to be a bit overly formal, and to state information that two characters with that level of familiarity with one another wouldn't necessarily need to state. For example, it's stated earlier in the story that "Laura's old friend Carol is a legal advocate for a large right-to-die organization and became involved with getting Laura's final wishes accepted by the health industry" so the later dialogue where Joseph asks her to bring him up to speed doesn't require Carol to go into the whole thing again, reiterating that she's an end-of-life advocate and that she was engaged to work for Laura. Dialogue is at its most effective when it's moving the story forward or communicating information that the reader doesn't already have; it's at its least effective when it repeats something that the reader already knows.
Structure
As mentioned above, there's a fair amount of "telling" in this story (that is, just presenting information in a straightforward manner without letting the reader discover it for themselves), and I think the narrative would be a bit more compelling if there were some variety added in to that process. Having two characters discuss something that already happened and relaying information to one another is an inherently difficult setup to make more compelling and dynamic, but you can sometimes use techniques like intercutting the conversations with flashbacks, or using a more strategic method of laying out critical information to keep the reader engaged and guessing about what will happen next.
Technical
No specific typos or technical errors that I could find. Other than the issue of the medical practitioners violating a clear patient care directive for unclear reasons, the rest of the medical information presented in the story felt sufficiently detailed and nuanced. It added a layer of authenticity to the story as it was laid out.
Overall
Overall, I really like the premise and the potential in this story. There's a good foundation here to build upon, but the actual execution needs work, especially in the areas of story structure, character development, and dialogue. But the bones of a really compelling story are there for sure. Nice work!
I hope you've found this review helpful. If so, please consider paying it forward by reviewing the work of another WDC author!
Respectfully,
Jaeff | KBtW of the Free Folk
"Rating & Reviewing Philosophy" |