Hello Kev
This review is being sent as part of the "Talent Pond New Year Review Dinner Party" .
Premise.
I really like the fact that you took the time to write a short autobiography to introduce yourself to people on this site; it's a great way for other members of the community to get to know you and feel comfortable communicating.
Story.
The narrative you've presented does a great job of providing a lot of information in comparatively few words, which makes for an excellent overview, but there are a few areas which I think were glossed over a little too quickly. In particular, you mention that your being committed to a maximum security mental hospital at the age of 16 was something for which "the details aren't so much unimportant as completely misleading in what they say about me or who I am." At this point in the autobiography, though, we don't really know who you are yet, and that feels like a really significant point in your life that would benefit from a little more context to help the reader understand exactly what experience you went through. It doesn't have to be overly detailed if you're not comfortable sharing, but the line quoted above kind of teases it without saying, and I think you'd be better off either explaining or not teasing at information that won't ultimately be forthcoming in this piece.
Characters.
Ultimately, the "character" in the piece is you, and I think you've done a decent job of setting up your background and experiences, and given the reader a fairly clear impression of where you're at in your life. One of the things I would love to know more about are the things that inspire or excite you. There's a lot of information about what you perceive as the negative things in your life, but what are some of the things that you're passionate about or at least interested in. The only thing the reader can tell from reading this is that D&D is an interest of yours; if you're comfortable sharing more about the things you do want to connect with people about, it might be easier for them to find you when they read this piece.
Dialogue.
Not applicable.
Technical.
There's a reference in the very first sentence of the piece to your email being your D&D characters. Are you referring to the username davegreymauser? If so, you might want to call it a username since that's the more common nomenclature on the site. It is also your site email address, but I found myself a bit confused by that sentence and I think it's because I was initially uncertain what email address you were referring to until I puzzled it out a bit.
Overall.
I think you did a good job with this brief autobiographical essay. If you're interested in bolstering your profile on the site, I would also recommend completing the "Biography" tab of your Portfolio, which will prompt you with a bunch of questions and details that you can provide and people can read when they check out your Portfolio. That, combined with an essay item like this, is a wonderful way to introduce yourself to the other members of this site and give the a chance to get to know you a bit. Nicely done and welcome to Writing.com!
I hope you've found this review helpful. If so, please consider paying it forward by reviewing the work of another WdC author!
Respectfully,
Jaeff | KBtW of the Free Folk |