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159 Public Reviews Given
547 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
In a single word, thorough. I will turn your piece upside down, shake the change out of its pockets and look at even the most minute details. I can be technical but will do so when emphasizing a larger point about the piece as a whole.
I'm good at...
plot structure analysis, technical/formatting issues, character development commentary (especially checking for continuity), diction and dialogue
Favorite Genres
political, dark, dystopia, speculative fiction, plotty erotica, some sci-fi, anything with emphasis on social science
Least Favorite Genres
teen, young adult, romance, most erotica, anything ultramilitant, (creative) non-fiction
Favorite Item Types
novellas and novelettes, short stories over 3,000 words, poetry in challenging forms
Least Favorite Item Types
flash fiction, short stories under 3,000 words, full novels, short poetry
I will not review...
anything with a subservient female character, nature poetry, stories with happy endings
Public Reviews
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26
26
Review of Into Temptation  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Greetings! The idea of this poem is actually very intriguing, but I struggled with the rambling nature of it. There's a difference between rambling with a good reason to do so and rambling just to look artsy. After a couple readings, I believe this falls into the latter. That detracts from some great images of sacrelige that caught my eye and kept me reading.

As I read the poem, the thing that kept confusing me was who the narrator was addressing. I knew that the narrator was speaking directly to someone or something. It just shifted so often I got confused. Here's one example where I was baffled.

We flew home through the fog in a lead-winged Windstar
Jesus’ carcass flopping against your sternum in a freon breeze.

Whose sternum was it, exactly? Were you addressing the van here? Or is this in some way speaking to God? Considering you address "Mama" later on, I'm almost inclined to think it's the latter. Either way, the point of view is not focused. Even stream of consciousness pieces focus on a singular audience (be it a sole member or sole group). So if the narrator is indeed addressing God the whole time, so tweaking might be in the offering. Stating how you feel God's presence in everything from Mama to the minivan is probably the easiest way to approach this focusing of the point of view.

Aside from the question of the audience in this poem, a few other thoughts crossed my mind. I think some of my questions might have been answered if your brief description had alluded to the conflict of this poem (which I'm not sure I found, actually). Instead of saying it's a short read, say something like the narrator seeks solace while avoiding temptaion. I also wish to address the stanza length. While I can get through a 32 line stanza, many people won't. Such a long stanza might look cool and artsy, but it will frustrate more readers than it will entice. On top of that, it makes the frequent use of enjambment somewhat exhausting to follow. Even 16 lines for a stanza would work in this case. That said, even after rereading the stanzas three times, I didn't know for sure what the temptation was (if any). If we don't even get a clue as to what the temptation is, the title is rather misleading. *Wink* I could guess that screwing over hard working folks is the temptation, but I'm at a loss here.

Don't get me wrong. I did enjoy the various images of Jesus that waxed irreverant toward religion and worship. I also appreciated the progression of the poem. It's nice to see some sort of movement and change over the course of the poem, which doesn't happen that often. Likewise, your expanded vocabulary in this poem was fun, which gave the poem some punch (freon breeze was a delicious phrase, if I do say so myself). Still, I would like to recommend a small change.

You feed them hate and horror stories until their adrenaline glands

I think the term you want here is adrenal. *Smile*

To me, the poem has entertainment value, and once you establish some more focus, it will be an adventurous read (in a good way). Just don't get too carried away in packing in so many images our heads spin (in a not-so-good way).


~Elisa
A brand new siggie from the Stik!!
27
27
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Greetings! I enjoy reading and writing sestinas, so I thought I'd have a look at your piece. The journey is illustrated in vivid, eye-catching (ba-dum ching) detail. However, the overall rhythm of the poem is somewhat erratic. Some of it has to do with the form, but in this case, some of the lines could be shortened. Here are some specific suggestions that could tighten up the structure of this poem.

*Bullet* ENJAMBMENT : While enjambment can work as a method of transition, it makes much of the poem read like a run-on sentence. It could create a frenetic tone if it didn't make up the majority of the stanzas. In that case, it just opens the door for headaches for the readers. Here's one particular area where I felt the enjambment was working against the flow.

now; the sodden sack rolls over swelling

thighs that howl as acid swells

The tricky thing about the sestina is how to use the repetons without it feeling bumpy or overly obvious in the reading. Since the word "swell" appears twice in what would be one sentence of prose, it's jarring and doesn't feel right, especially when reading it aloud. If it was two separate sentences, the automatic reaction of readers to cry for different words to be used in one of them would be reduced (if not altogether silenced). Enjambment in sestinas is very tricky. If possible, use it once or twice at the most. Otherwise, the repetons will jar readers.


*Bullet* While repetons play a large role in a sestina's rhythm, the words used in the lines also make a difference. Simply put, shorter words are more effective. Lines in sestinas shouldn't be super long, but you do get wordy in spots. Removing/changing a couple words here and there will make a difference, especially in the following lines.

The eye wants to discover what virgin skin begs that he molest.

The eye wants to find what virgin skin begs him to molest.

taut peaks? No. This cyberspace deception is more common than icicles

like peaks? No. Deception's as common as icicles

their photographs with this licentious eye, lest it loom and swell

their photographs with this lusting eye, lest it loom, swell

It is possible to rewrite the lines without sacrificing the repetons. The trick is to read the line without the repeton and find what can be shortened, changed or taken out.


*Bullet* I admit I was baffled by the last two sentences.

He compensates her with baby’s breath and irises. Her gaze drips icicles.

Aside from the fact that this could be trimmed down, I was wondering who she was. Was she the girl/woman the eye investigated in its nocturnal escapade? If so, there's no hint of their relation to each other, so why is he giving her any sort of compensation? If not, why is the wife only briefly mentioned at the end (out of seemingly nowhere)? I think the eye's journey needs to end earlier in order for this section to make any sense.


I do like the poem, and some of the images are quite striking (e.g. to increase the mileage of its now-dry optic nerve that scrapes behind?; I really liked that line). I think it needs some revision in order to be effective as a poem in general and as a sestina in particular. Sestinas are not the easiest form around, but with some tinkering, you can craft this poem into a successful one.


~Elisa
A brand new siggie from the Stik!!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
28
28
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
Greetings! After reading and rereading this piece, I admit I am of two minds about it. As an account of your experience with California public schools, it is effective. If the piece is meant to be persuasive, though, it's not quite there. It's not clear to me if this is just you sharing your personal experience. I get that impression throughout the piece but have my doubts after reading the last paragraph. If your intention is made clear from the beginning, I think the piece will feel more complete. Given my mixed feelings about the piece, I'll present each direction I think this piece could take and give two reviews (one from each perspective).

*Star* PERSONAL EXPERIENCE: As I said earlier, this is effective as a personal experience piece. Though the use of profanity gives it a journal-like point of view, you leave no doubt in the reader's mind how you feel about what has trangressed. From this angle, my suggestions amount to paying attention to the smaller details. I think mentioning where in California this took place would be helpful. You never know if someone will read this and think all areas of California have public schools like this. Even a vague description of where you were at the time (northern California, for example) would work. While schools like this do exist throughout the country, I think some degree of isolation will help readers better understand your experience. My other suggestion would be to consider the essay and/or editorial item subtypes. While non-fiction does apply, I think a more specific item subtype will help people understand that this is a piece about your personal experience.

*Star* EDITORIAL: While I pointed out the last paragraph as what made me wonder if this was a persuasive piece, two lines in particular made me wonder.

I also believe that competition will actually help strengthen and improve the school system.

When my daughters went to high school, they were bussed to an area that was less than welcoming.

I could see this piece as an argument for vouchers and/or against bussing. I'd also be interested in seeing capitalistic tenets applied to the public school system. Would free market actually work in this type of situation? Anyway, if this is meant to be persuasive, here are some things to consider in the rewrite stage.

*Bullet* changing the item subtype to editorial or even article
*Bullet* rewriting lines to eliminate profanity; I might be wrong on this, but most people reading a persuasive piece will not take kindly to swearing.
*Bullet* augmenting personal experience with data that shows vouchers are effective (or bussing does not work for socieconomic diversification)
*Bullet* cleary defining your argument as close to the beginning of the actual piece as possible (which is currently not the case, even though it is suggested in the brief description)
*Bullet* identify the true scope of the problem; these issues are not always nationwide. As I mentioned in the personal experience section, specifying where you encountered these problems will help readers. With a persuasive piece, a specified area can help the public make more informed decisions about what is best for a given school system. It's possible that what might work in one California school district will backfire in another.

No matter the intent of this piece, I would also recommend cleaning up the punctuation. I'll provide a couple examples that stood out to me as I read.

Someone feels they have been so wronged; that it is justifiable to take the life of others, just to grab some moments of infamy.

I would recommend the following punctuation.

Someone feels they have been so wronged, that it is justifiable to take the life of others just to grab some moments of infamy.


The halls were patrolled by undercover cops reminiscent of the old television show, "21 Jump Street."

A possible fix

The halls were patrolled by undercover cops reminiscent of the old television show 21 Jump Street.


I think there are a lot of possibilities for this piece (even though personally I'm not 100% convinced). Once you decide what exactly this piece will be, some polish will make it stand out. Until you clarify your point, though, not everyone will read it the same way you do, and your message will be lost.


~Elisa
A brand new siggie from the Stik!!
29
29
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
Greetings! I'm reviewing this for "Troublesome Musings"  [18+]. This poem shows a unique perspective on the last supper (and an entertaining one at that). However, this perspective is not fleshed out as well as it could be due to the structure of the poem.

My biggest concern stems from how the lines are formed. Long lines in poems, while not common, can work. The problem is the meter is too inconsistent to create a readable rhythm. Granted, they don't have to match each other, but more similarity makes for an easier read. Take these two lines, for instance.

For societies less than desirables there was to be a purge
Romans and crooked politicians erased like a tidal surge,

The wordier the line, the more difficult it is to create a seamless rhythm (since there are more syllables to juggle). It can be difficult work with lines than have more than 16 syllables like these. I would recommend trimming these lines down, using more active language in the process. You can work out the rhymes after you find a way to convey your point in fewer syllables.

On a somewhat related note, the syllables also affect the feet in each line. While a little variety can create a distinct rhythm, switching feet several times in a line can make hard for readers to read it as a poem. They might be more inclined to read it as prose. This is especially true with the first line I quoted. It starts off trochee , becomes spondaic , goes iambic for a little bit before going back to trochee. The idea of the poem is unusual enough. Sending readers on a linguistic rollercoaster might make them miss the point you're trying to make. *Wink*


Aside from the issue of wordiness in the lines (which is prevalent throught the piece), I feel this work would benefit from more descriptive words to flesh out the scene. Where was the feast held, and what did it look like? Who else shared the feast, and did someone disrupt it? What was the weather like that night? As far as I can tell, you are looking to tell a story, but without setting up a setting, the reader isn't going to really connect the events to a certain period of time. A reader not aware of the last supper might think Nero, Jesus and Judas are code names for gang members and that this feast takes place in 2012. Throwing in a couple setting details will breathe more life into this story-poem. After all, aside from characters, setting is one of the most important parts of a story, and this applies to poetry as well.

I think this could be a head-turning, thought-provoking piece. It will need to be restructured in order to not just grab a reader's attention but to hold it throughout the poem. Right now, I feel the wordiness of the lines and lack of details that allow readers to suspend any notions of disbelief are working against your poem.

~Elisa
A brand new siggie from the Stik!!
30
30
Rated: E | (3.0)
Greetings! As a young voter and someone who pays attention to current politics, I was intrigued to find this article. To me, it had its moments, namely the discussion of the internet's role in helping people make their election choices. However, there are some issues the article did not address or did not articulate in a consistent matter.

*Idea* PRIMARIES: You cite a statistic stating that only 32% of 18-24 year olds are planning to vote in the primaries. That is a dismal statistic by many standards. However, this struck me as a generalization. I say this because I fall into that demographic. I will not be voting in the primaries, though, because I do not have a party affiliation. Granted, the laws for voting in the primaries vary from state to state, but most states do not let voters with no party affiliation participate in the primaries. For those states that do allow no affiliated voters to participate, perhaps better education about the voting laws would increase primary attendance. I mention all of this because younger voters may choose to have no party affiliation in this highly partisan era. Therefore, the 32% statistic may reflect a trend in young people not supporting one party or the other. It's a point to consider even if you don't add it to the article due to length restrictions or you cannot find a logical space in which you can incorporate the information.

*Idea* GET OUT THE VOTE STRATEGIES: At one point, you allude to 7-Up being involved in the effort to get out the vote. When I read this, I asked myself how 7-Up was involved. Having voted in the 2004 election, I do not remember seeing any political campaign-related paraphernalia from 7-Up. So I was curious as to what they did. This could be summarized in one sentence or even a dependent clause. If people remember the campaign, a summary may jog their collective memories. If not, people will get an idea as to how various groups attempted to court the youth vote.

*Idea* AUDIENCE: With articles, knowing the audience for a given piece of writing is much easier than with fiction. That said, I wasn't exactly sure who you want to read this article until the end. At first, this strikes me as a general article discussing youth involvement in the election process. Only at the end did I realize the article was written to counter apparent youth apathy with said process. To me, the very first line strikes me as a general comment that indicates anything could be in the article. If you want the article to be read by more youths eligible to vote, I'd change the first line or two to reflect that the articles is about youths for youths. This can be tricky since 18 years can be in high school and/or college (which can change the lens through which they read this article). Something declaring the involvement of youths in the voting process would do the trick. Here's one idea.

With the 2008 presidential election approaching, a reported 32 percent of people between the ages of 18 and 24 plan to vote in the primaries.

Obviously, it doesn't have to be that, but something with that kind of impact can keep more of your target audience interested in the article. On top of that, the first sentence also determines the point of view for the article (which changed from third person to second person in the last paragraph).


Likewise, I spotted a couple structure/format errors in the piece.

*Bullet* Make sure your title is correctly capitalized.

The young and the represented = The Young and the Represented

*Bullet* I noticed some comma splices throughout the article. Here is one such example.

More venues to get involved are available for young voters every day, its not like you have to read the “Washington Post” to get involved.

There are numerous ways to fix comma splices. I recommend checking out "Comma Splices and Fused Sentences" , which provides this information in a concise manner.

I admire your willingness to speak out on the subject of youths and their (lack of) involvement in the voting process. That said, I hope my comments help you make this article and any future articles on the subject have even greater impact.


~Elisa
A brand new siggie from the Stik!!
31
31
Rated: E | (3.0)
Greetings! You bring up a lot of valid points in this essay, and I certainly empathize with them. The strength of this piece is that it raises these questions in a calm manner that encourages thoughtful discussion. However, this piece is hampered by the fact that it's not adequately classified. Given the nature of the piece, I'm more inclined to call it an editorial. While it retains the essay format, it's more opinion based than a traditional essay. Likewise, the diction is less formal than that of a traditional essay. That aside, there were a few other things I noticed while reading this work.

*Bullet* Sentence structure is not always consistent in this piece. I spotted several incomplete sentences as well as some run-ons. In a rant, such sentence variations are not unexpected. However, they can make the rant difficult to read. Here are some examples that really stood out as I read along.

The real companies are built on hard, real, work; not greed and a complete lack and ignorance of morality.

Improper use of semicolons stand out to me strobe lights. In this case, you used a semicolon to separate a dependent clause ("not greed and a complete lack and ignorance of morality) and an independent clause ("The real companies are built on hard, real, work"). Aside from this being grammatically incorrect, this setup does not provide a smooth transition from one idea to the next. I think two separate sentences would convey this idea in an easy to understand manner. Here's one possibility.

The real companies are built on real hard work. Today's corporations, meanwhile, focus only on the bottom line without any sense of morality.

One that is run by some stuck up gentry who can’t get down from their ever-present pedestal, not even for one second, to even notice and heed the true workers and businesses.

Holy run-ons, Batman! Seriously, this particular line prattles on to an extent that readers might get lost and/or lose interest. In this case, there are a couple options. You can connect it to the previous sentence and cut some of the phrases used in your description of the gentry. The other options is to make this a sentence that stand by itself, which can be done by adding/changing a couple words. Here's one way to follow through with the latter option.

This megaconglomerate is run by some stuck up member of the gentry who can’t get down from their ever-present pedestal, not even for one second, to even notice and heed the true workers and businesses.

This is a bit of a long sentence, but it is grammatically correct and retains some of the language of the rant.

It was once true that someone could believe in the fact that they could work hard, do their job well, and make a good living for themselves; maybe even make some extra cash.

Again, we have the semicolon. The easiet thing to do is to take the dependent clause after the semicolon and make it a complete sentence. Otherwise, the sentence rambles a bit.


*Bullet* Be careful with your punctuation. Punctuation does have a visual impact, especially in editorial/rant when the reader is meant to absorb questions and exclamations presented by the author. Sometimes your punctuation was off the mark.

So how is someone supposed to succeed and move up, if the initial requirements are very difficult to acquire and not even guaranteed to do anything for you?

You can leave out the comma after 'up'.

How can society continue to function (although that is a question in itself) when people are being bought into these various universities and sweet talking their way through to a degree, when hard working decent people get next to nothing.

Looks like you forgot to use a question mark at the end here.


*Bullet* In my experience, rants are either used to blow off steam or to rally people for a cause. With the latter, specific tactics are at the very least suggested. While I can sympathize with the idea with letting the United States collapse under its own weight, I don't know if you approach it right. Something to ponder with this subject is the question of how responsible American society at large is (or isn't) for the death of the American Dream. I think before you suggest that the nation goes back to square one by whatever means you should examine ways for the people of the United States to get our lives back. You may say it's too late, but not everyone's going to agree. If you wish to rally people to believe in this idea, you're going to have to show how responsible American society is for our current condition.

*Bullet* On a somewhat related note, you may also want to define what the American Dream is to you at the very beginning. I gathered that owning and running your own business is your definition, which is perfectly acceptable. However, in the 21st century, that dream is sharing space with altruism and those who desire to change policy. I think when you state what the American Dream means to you at the outset, more people are going to appreciate this piece for what it is: your opinions on the subject.

*Bullet* Though some of the descriptions and use of archaic phrases threw me, I admire your calm tone throughout the piece. To me, that was this work's strong suit.

Overall, I think it's good that you've shared your thoughts on the United States with us. Your concerns bring to light various things in society that need change. I think the piece needs some rewriting in order to make your message clearer and more effective.



~Elisa
A brand new siggie from the Stik!!
32
32
Rated: E | (2.0)
Greetings! I love the title and the summary. To me, being in love with love is a troublesome topic (at the very least bound to rub people the wrong way). And who wouldn't want to prive Oprah wrong? *Smirk* That said, I had high hopes coming into this piece...but I was very disappointed. I was expecting something a little more...vitriolic and even nasty. Instead, I got to read something tame. On top of being tame, there were more abstractions in this poem than in the Walker Institute and the Minneapolis Institute of Arts combined. Here are the things that caught my attention as I read the poem.

*Bullet* You made a lot of sacrifices in order to achieve exact rhymes throughout the poem. Here is one such example.

In reality you're only in love with being in love.
Excuse me! That just really brings frustration.
She's obviously never even heard a turtledove!

While you follow this with some imagery of the turtledove and its connection to love, I was scratching my head at this section. The turtledove appears out of left field and seems to serve a skimpy function. I will return to this point in a moment. As far as other examples of forced rhyming go, the entire first stanza made me blink a few times. The unintentional paradox made me wonder where this was going, and I think the paradox would resolve itself if you rewrote the stanza to have the second and fourth lines use slightly less restrictive rhyme.

*Bullet* My primary concern with this piece is that there's little in the way of tangible imagery. Sure, there's the turtledove, but it only scratches the surface of describing what lovers feel. The way I see it, you can use the turtledove as a metaphor for lovers and use the turtledove to prove Oprah wrong. Highlight some of the traits you feel make said bird species the embodiment of love (or some facet of it). For that matter, you could even have the turtledove visit Oprah if you want to add a whimsical twist to the metaphor. The point is, you need more in the way of concrete imagery in order to get the reader to understand your message on an emotional and philosophical. As it is, readers are more likely to read it, shrug and move onto the next piece that catches their eyes.

*Bullet* Finally, there are the title and summary. I do like the title, and the latter half of the summary piqued my interest. If you opt to beef up the imagery, though, you might want to consider tweaking these parts of your piece. The title can stay, but a more succint summary might be beneficial. Something along the lines of "Are you in love...or in love with love?" would work splendidly.

The way I see it, this poem has a lot of room for growth. The lack of imagery is really inhhibiting the exploration of an intriguing and complex idea, but it's not impossible to remedy. Good luck!


~Elisa
A brand new siggie from the Stik!!
33
33
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Greetings! I will say as an American that I do see the United States as an empire. Thus, your article interested me. It is an interesting take on the economic and social mechanisms of the United States from a non-American perspective. An additional bonus is the format, which is easy to follow. Nonetheless, the piece does have some minor flaws which proved distracting as I read the piece.

*Bullet* The introductory section contained sentence fragments and run-on sentences that took me by surprise. The body of the article utilizes excellent sentence structure that makes the article read at a comfortable pace. However, the introduction is very choppy, almost like it was written by someone in a stupor. Here are a couple of examples.

Maybe, latest, by 2094, though it could be much earlier.

When I say so, it is not out of any hatred of the great American nation or the great American people, but, rather, out of my strong belief that the policies of this great country are too self- serving and self- centred, crafted in isolation of the world, to let it follow a path of peaceful co-existence with other nations.

With the first example, I suggest combining it with the proceeding sentence.

Maybe, by 2094 at the latest, it could be titled as “Decline and Fall of the U.S. Empire”.

The second example is just the opposite. This rambling sentence can be broken up into three sentences that more clearly articulate the main point of the article. Here is a possibility.

When I say so, it is not out of any hatred of the great American nation or the great American people. Rather, it stems from my strong belief that the policies of this great country are too self- serving and self- centred, crafted in isolation of the world. This isolation does not permit it to follow a path of peaceful co-existence with other nations.


*Bullet* The way you cited your sources appeared to be an attempt to combine two forms of citation into one. While I've seen it done in some printings of U.S. Supreme Court decisions, I wouldn't recommend it if your intended audience is not entrenched in academia. I personally would use footnotes only in this case and then provide links to internet sources in the footnotes.

*Bullet* Be careful with your spacing. I noticed a couple instances in which words were fused together when they should have been spaced out. Here is one such place.

It is notable that after listing 138 US military interventions between1890-2007...

Overall, I did enjoy the article and found it to be very valuable. I'd be interested in seeing what your thoughts are on the concept of presidential warfare (a concept to which you alluded in section 3). After reading this article, I anticipate that you would have many provocative points to make on that subject.




~Elisa
A brand new siggie from the Stik!!
34
34
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Greetings! While Jackie is an interesting character, I felt that his life was more glossed over than depicted in this story. To me, the amount of detail seemed inadequate to show much about Jackie himself. It almost seemed as if you hurried through the story to tell the last line (which was pretty funny). After reading the story a couple times, I saw three possibilities for this story. The first is to isolate one or two instances in Jackie's life and elaborate on it (or them). The second is to keep the story as it is but elaborate a little more in describing the people Jackie encountered and the environments in which he lived. The final possibility is to remove some of the events in the story but to retain the bedtime story structure (length, sequencing of events, etc.) you have set up.


Of all the possibilities, the first one is probably the least likely route as far as revising this story is concerned. I suggest it in case you ever felt like expanding Jackie's story (such as making a collection of bedtime stories based upon this character. Still, which events do I see as being great stand alone stories? Here are my picks.

*Idea* Once, Jackie disobeyed his mommy and was playing in the street....

While you do devote a few paragraphs to this particular event, an entire story on the punishment Jackie received would be a great avenue for exploring his character as well as his mother. The story keeps referring back to his mother, and I think telling us more about her reaction to little Jackie playing in the street will give us a better idea of what aspect of her personality warped her son.

*Idea* Jackie saw his first movie at the Fox Theatre.

I didn't see where this fit in with the rest of the story, namely how the atmosphere affected him or why he was even at the theater. Was peer pressure involved? Still, this paragraph would make another interesting story in itself. This section would be the first one I'd cut, but I wouldn't completely discard it. People all over the world have strong connections to going to the movies and/or particular movie theaters, so this premise would make a solid story on its own, particularly in a bedtime story format.

*Idea* Jackie soon discovered that he enjoyed killing.

I personally found this development in Jackie's life to be the most intersting out of all the ancedotes in this piece. To me, this is where the story really begins. If this was to be used in a separate story, it would be a good launching point for exploring the hows and whys of Jackie's new passion, if you will. However, if you decided to cut or even rearrange the events of the story, this section would be a great place to begin the story.


The second suggestion is given as a means of enhancing mood, which is a plus even in a satire piece. One crucial aspect of bedtime stories is the creation of setting. Even if this piece isn't being read aloud as a means of lulling someone to sleep, a concrete setting helps hold the reader's attention. Here are a couple places where I feel more setting details would enhance the story.

*Idea* Jackie did not like Doraville at first.

While it's clear that Jackie had misgivings about the people of Doraville, was there anything else about the town that he didn't like? Also, readers only get the idea that Doraville is rural because you state it is. This is a sharp contrast to the details you draw out about Atlanta. At the very least, you could describe Jackie's new house and what effect it had on him.

*Idea* Surprisingly, Jackie survived his first few years and was eventually old enough to go to Kindergarten at a place called Lucky Street Elementary.

I think in a bed-time story a couple little details about what the school was like (aside from the playground) would generate some emotional reaction, whether someone likes school or loathes it.



Finally, there were a few grammatical slip-ups that caught my attention.


*Bullet* Jackie rarely talked but he proved to be a good soldier and volunteered to go overseas and kill people who looked and sounded different from Americans; and who had a lot of corn and oil.

What a run-on sentence! Here's one possible way to break it up into something more digestable.

Jackie rarely talked but he proved to be a good soldier. He volunteered to go overseas and kill people who looked and sounded different from Americans. It also helped when these people had a lot of corn and oil.

*Bullet* However, one day Jackie overheard some of the other soldiers talking and it made him happy.

You just need a comma after the word talking.

*Bullet* ...killing dirty little Eskimo boys who play in the street and who enjoy Coca-cola.

Here you just need to capitalize the 'c' in cola since it's part of a brand name.

Overall, the story has an enjoyable twisted concept. However, some more details and a more controlled plotline while make this piece a wonderful read.

~Elisa
A brand new siggie from the Stik!!
35
35
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Greetings! As I scanned the Review Request page, I found myself intrigued by the title of this piece. It almost seems too long for a headline, but on the site it's an excellent way to catch people's attention. As for the article itself, I have mixed feelings about it. On the one hand, you take the time to explain why we shouldn't condemn the actions of all Christians. On the other hand, I think you try to cover too many bases in the space of an article. As a result, a lot of irrelevant facts are tossed into this article that detract from the overall message. For that matter, I'm not so sure that classifying this piece as an article is accurate. I'd be more inclined to call this an editorial piece than an article, since the connotation of the word article suggests a more objective position taken on the subject. On that note, here are a few things that stood out to me as I read the piece.

*Bullet* During the darkest hours of the night....

On a minor technical note, you forgot to indent this paragraph. I only mention it because the other paragraphs are indented.

That aside, I was a little puzzled by this scene you have depicted. It's a well constructed scene, and given your ambition to write for Time, I can see why you used it. On the other hand, it detracts from the overall point of the article, not to mention it does take up valuable space. Given that this is written for your school newspaper, it's probably worth omitting, if for no other reason to save some space. Likewise, how well do you think the student body will respond to such an opening? As a college student, I see it resonating with a college audience. With high schoolers, however, I'm not so certain. You'll have to decide on that one (especially given that each high school has a different culture from the other).

*Bullet* As a churchgoer, I do find most of these journalists a little out of whack. But the fact remains:

I actually have a few comments about these two lines. The first pertains to diction. In a high school newspaper, you can get away with saying "a little out of whack." However, in more professional journalism arenas, you should opt for a more formal word choice. here are a couple examples.

I do find these journalists like to exaggerate their fears.

I do find these journalists express their views, emphasizing emotions without considering both arguments.

As far as the second line goes, I feel that starting the sentence with 'but' is another instance of informal diction. I have seen it used in professional publications (much to my dismay), but I feel there are more effective words/phrases you can use. Such words include however, nonetheless and in any case.

*Bullet* When, last year, jeering Mira Loma students were waving “Gays Go to Hell” signs at fellow students, this notion may seem hard to swallow, but know this:

I feel for anyone who attempts to diagram this sentence. Seriously, this line may cause readers to trip up and scratch their heads at its meaning. I was thrown off by the use of the word 'when', followed by what is supposed to be a complete sentence. I would suggest depicting the demonstration in one sentece and then stating your point about the religious world in another. Considering that you'd like to insert a mini-ancedote into your article, trying to put it and a major point of your article in one sentence results in a rambling line that is tricky at best to follow.

*Bullet* What needs to change is (repeat after me) Christian Fundamentalism.

From what I've read, your article has two major lynchpins, and this line is one of them. From this point, you offer a lot of information about what others see when we see Evangelicals but offer little in the way of evidence that not all Evangelicals hold these beliefs. An extreme standpoint on this imbalance is that you agree with the radical Evangelical agenda than you make it seem. I don't agree with that standpoint, but I do think that your depiction of these radicals is cause for concern. You later go on to make this point.

There are many friendly Evangelicals out there who do behave as if they have their head screwed on.

I think providing some more information on these Evangelicals would be more constructive and more persuasive. Showing how the majority behave and believe can open up a more open dialogue between Evangelicals and those with other belief systems (and I'll get back to this point in a minute).

*Bullet* There was an almost authoritarian sense....

Looking back at my original topic....

Are these sentences supposed to start new paragraphs? If so, add some {indent} tags. If not, you might want to fix the spacing to include thse sentences with the preceeding paragraphs.

*Bullet* If we want Evangelicals to have more tolerance, we should show them the same.

Here is the second lynchpin of your article, and to me, this is the most important of the two. This is also all that is ever said on this point, and it will prompt many skeptics to ask How can we show tolerance? Granted, this is a difficult question to answer, and I'm not sure where one would begin in showing some tolerance. Nonetheless, since you propose this as the solution to the problem of tempering Christian Fundamentalism, you ought to suggest some steps the rest of us can take in extending tolerance to radical Evangelicals. Offering even just a couple semi-detailed steps of how to extend this tolerance can prompt a discussion between Evangelicals and others. Perhaps this discussion is the solution. If you think that is the case, say so in the article. One sentence stating we should grant tolerance to these Evangelicals does not provide a solid enough footing for us if we're serious about making this arrangement work. People want to see solutions, not soundbytes. That way, they have an idea of how to proceed. Besides, offering suggestions on how to take action in this regard will make readers view your article in a less cynical light.

This piece touches a lot of bases, and I can see this almost as a series on tolerance. It's also an excellent stepping stone for breaking down the emotional/psychological barriers between groups. I strongly suggest looking at diction, organization of your points and depicting a constructive viewpoint when revising this piece. I would also even consider making two versions of this: one for the newspaper and one as an exercise for more prifessional writing. Those two types of writing are very different from one another, and trying to combine them tends not to work well. Both types have to meet different criteria and will be read by different audiences, so two versions might help you get an idea of how to communicate with each one. You have a solid start with this piece. What it needs is focus in order to be most effective for any audience.

~Elisa
A brand new siggie from the Stik!!
36
36
Rated: E | (3.5)
Greetings! I can't remember exactly how I found your contest, but I remember that it stood out when I saw it because of the title. While it got directly to the point by stating it was a contest for all items, it was misspelled.

contesy = contest

So I clicked on it to see what was in store. In doing so, I found a couple more typos.

entrie = entry

anomonys = anonymous (I'm guessing)

prizws = prizes

I also found myself scratching my head about a couple things. The forum introduction (which explains how the contest works) doesn't give much information about the contest. I only figured out that there are rounds to this contest by cruising the messages. Perhaps giving deadlines for each round in the forum introduction would be helpful. That way, anyone who is interested in entering can get an idea as to how long each round last. When I first saw this, I thought it would be a one-time only contest.

Another thing potential contestants might find helpful is what you're looking for when judging a contest. This might help contestants polish their entries before submitting them. In this vein, stating the content ratings allowed also helps (not to mention can make staying within the forum's content rating easier for you). For example, E rated forums can provide links for items with a content rating up to 18+ (in general). So check every few new posts or so to see what the ratings are on the entries to help you maintain the forum's rating (and/or change if needed).

Finally, when you say anything, you might want to list the types of items you accept. That way, if someone wants to submit an essay or an article, they can feel confident in doing so. From what I currently see, anything seems to include those item types as well as novels, theses, letters, monologues, scripts and numerous other items. It might seem hard to believe, but there's more to writing than poetry and short stories (although it doesn't seem like you'd find it around here). *Wink* Another thing when the word 'anything' is considered is length. Do you have a length limit in mind? After all, static items items on the site have a maximum length of 50,000 KB to 400,000 KB (depending on the membership type), and I've seen a fair number of items in that range. So if there are time constraints, you might want to consider setting a maximum length (be it in words or KB).

On that note, I wish you the best of luck in running your contest! You'll find that while a good deal of work is involved with running a contest it is a rewarding experience for not only the contestants but for yourself as well.

~Elisa
A brand new siggie from the Stik!!
37
37
Review of Lil' Ranger  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Greetings! While looking for items to feature in my newsletter, I happened to find your sestina. Isn't it a great form? *Bigsmile* That said, I did enjoy this poem a lot. Aside from being a fan of the form, I also enjoy your refreshing topic. It's nice to see poems which deviate from the typical poetic themes: love, nature, heartbreak and so on. Likewise, the personification of your truck was priceless, especially with your truck being female. Then again, I have primarily owned sedans that have been christened with male names.

In my reading, I noticed a few places where the poem could use a little polish.

*Bullet* about how she'd just lost her drive.

After reading this line aloud, it occurred to me that the word 'just' puts one too many syllables in this line. When read in context of the three preceeding lines, I think this wording might improve the flow of the fourth line.

about how she had lost her drive.

You could also remove the 'just' and leave the rest of the sentence as it is without adversely affecting the sentence.

*Bullet* Don't scrap me. Pleeease. I won't let you down!"

I like what you did with the word 'please' in this line. However, I read over it a few times and determined it doesn't quite fit the truck's voice as well as the other bits of dialogue. To make it work (and to use this great onomatopoeia to its maximum potential), I think adding a couple S's and an exclamation point to your 'please' will make it sound a little more like a squeal. On the other hand, if you feel a squealing effect isn't appropriate, you could also shorten it to its correct spelling and putting an exclamation point at the end. In any case, this line serves as a great opportunity to characterize the truck. A little retooling will maximize its role in the overall poem.

*Bullet* Fighting a lost battle, she refused to back down.

Here is another instance in which removing a syllable would make a difference in how the line reads both on paper and orally. The phrase "refused to" contains three syllables, which makes this somewhat wordy sentence a tad longer. I would use a word or phrase that's only two syllables, such as "would not" or something similar. Like wise, you could also remove the clumsy phrase "Fighting a lost battle". Shortening it, saying something like "Fighting me", is also an option. In truth, there are a number of things you can do to truncate the number of syllables in this line to improve the flow. I'm just throwing out some ideas.

*Bullet* (An ode to my first and favorite truck, who waits patiently amongst the weeds for me to fix her . . . . )

I think you goofed up on an emoticon tag here somewhere. *Smile*

On the whole, I did enjoy this unique automobile-related poem. In spots, it gets a little rambly, but the good news is that rambling is easily fixable. The premise is refreshing, and I can certainly sympathize with it. I'm rather fond of my automobiles myself (even if I prefer sedans). Best of luck with this poem, and I hope it has encouraged you to use the sestina form more often.

~Elisa
A brand new siggie from the Stik!!
38
38
Review of Desolation  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Greetings! I'm not sure why, but this didn't horrify me. Maybe it's because it reminded me of my philosophy classes during my early college years. While reflecting nihilism, it also rang a bit of Descartes with his (in)famous argument "I think; therefore I am." intended to explain how we gain knowledge. Indeed, that argument has raised the argument of why we do not create machines to which we can attach ourselves and live in fantasy worlds. This pleasure machine is almost what the narrator creates for himself prior to meeting the man.

That said, I felt the main problem with this story was it dwelled on the questions far too long and only began to pick up speed when you introduced the man more than halfway through. You may want to introduce him earlier and spread out his story a bit, alternating between the memory of him and some of the great images of how the grass feels against the narrator's hand (as an example). Perhaps you could even try having the narrator struggle to remember meeting the man. In any case, the timing of key events drags the story out, and I found some difficulty in finishing reading it.

On the other hand, as I mentioned earlier, what did hold my interest was the imagery. That may seem contrary in a piece pertaining to nothingness, but it the reader something to which they can relate, which makes nothingness horrifying in some way. I mentioned the feeling of grass earlier, but I also enjoyed how the man ripped the sky open. Though I would have enjoyed a few more tangible details about the insanity of the cosmos, leaving them out would work if you opted to make the memory for difficult to grasp for the narrator.

Overall, I like the idea behind the story. Once you fix the timing, it will be a little bit easier for everyone to read.

~Elisa
A brand new siggie from the Stik!!
39
39
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Greetings! I wasn't sure what to make of the story at first, but upon rereading it, I found it oddly compelling. I think the unexpected point of view is what gripped me as I read this wonky love story. After reading through a couple times, here's what I found.

*Bullet* Sometimes I had a little trouble following the dialogue, especially when Smack fought with all the voices. One notable example of this confusion is when he has his breakdown while trying to tell Eugenia about his life. To clarify who is speaking when, I suggest adding more specific verbs such as whispered, screamed, uttered and cooed to create dialogue tags and the ends of some of the lines. You already give us good verbals cues to show who is speaking when (such as constant reference to Pompeil), and all the voices have reasonably well established tones. It just gets a little confusing when all the voices and Smack are involved in the same conversation, and I think dialogue tags will help solve that problem.



*Bullet* I found a few minor typos.


He's all ready dead, duh.

all ready = already


"I might not of had the life you did growing up Smack, but I do understand what's happening now."

Replace 'of' with 'have'.


Smack's happy because him and Eugenia got back together.

Swap 'he' for 'him' since it is the subject of a secondary sentence.


I have to say, the chicks in here drive me insane with their chitter, chatter but when they sleep it's kind of lonely.

A comma is necessary after 'chitter'. Myself, I'd replace 'chitter' with an adjective, but the current word choice does work in an odd way.


On the whole, I enjoyed reading this quirky piece. Good luck!

~Elisa
A brand new siggie from the Stik!!
40
40
Review of Mrs. Bachtel  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Greetings! Narrative poetry is not always an easy thing to let spiral out of control, but this brief piece succeeded in staying focused and calling the intended listener's bluff. As I read along, I noticed a couple things.

*Bullet* I felt the speaker's tone lacked full emotion. It seemed like the speaker was both befuddled and somewhat contemptuous. Though both emotions can coexist in a person, I felt that the speaker swayed between the two instead of fusing them in his/her voice. The way I see it, there were two situations over which to feel conflicted. The speaker doesn't understand the listener's motivation(s), and he or she knew from the beginning that Mrs. Batchel was bent on malice. I think the tone would work if the speaker was befuddled by the motivations of the listener and felt contempt in regards to knowing about Mrs. Batchel. Right now, the speaker seems to be in contempt and befuddled by both situations. How can you clarify and strengthen the tone? My recommendation is to opt for metaphors instead of similes where appropriate. here's an example.

So here you are again, no inheritance,
no gain, where she tossed you, you remain
like another of her throwaways.

Rewritten as a metaphor (just as an example):

So here you are again, no inheritance,
no gain-you're tossed aside
as another throwaway corpse she no longer needs.


*Bullet* I did like your varied punctuation and not always capitalizing the first word of every sentence. Maybe it's because I'm partial to contemporary poetry, but your mechanics made the poem much easier to read and felt more natural in regards to rhythm. It could be read aloud in a consistent, continuous stream of words and pauses.

*Bullet* A couple abstractions detract from otherwise intriguing imagery. In line 17, you use the word inheritance. Inheritance is rather general and can mean anything, from acquiring material goods to being born with certain personality attributes. What kind of inheritance did the listener hope to seek?

Overall, this was a unique narrative verse. Though it could go for some revision in some of the style elements, it holds a lot of promise and can be a brief but attention worthy piece.

~Elisa
A brand new siggie from the Stik!!
41
41
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Greetings! Wow, what a story! I admit I enjoy a good story involving prophecy and the end of the world. I'm not sure why, but my penchance for such works made me enjoy this unique piece even more. As I read, I noticed some things, mostly minor details.

*Bullet* Normally, I go crazy over sentence fragments, and I only noticed the opening lines were sentence fragments upon rereading the story. Since sentence fragments can work for dramatic effect, you might want to try separating the first three or four lines for extra emphasis and to further darken the tone of this piece.

*Bullet* Speaking of sentence structure, there are a few places where you need to repunctuate. One such example follows.

The bones were laid out on the table beside me, every inch covered in that perfect text – we’d worked a lot of it out, got the order of things, we were pretty sure we knew what the message was all about, and that’s what it was. A message.

In this case, I would suggest placing a period after 'text' instead of the dash. Otherwise, it reads like a run on sentence. You may then use that dash after 'was' so the phrase 'a message' can increase emphasis on the preceeding sentence.

*Bullet* Comb the piece for spelling errors. I found this one in paragraph thirteen.

She likened it to the uncovering of Tutenkhamun’s Tomb, or the Dead Sea Scrolls.

Tutenkhamun = Tutankhamun

Overall, I got a kick out of reading this piece and recommend it to those who enjoy apocalyptic writings or anything that provokes fear and excitement in the same breath. Good luck!

~Elisa
A brand new siggie from the Stik!!
42
42
Rated: E | (3.0)
Greetings! Having read your work in the past, I had to stop by during the portfolio exhibition for a visit. *Smile* As for the poem itself, the tone is this piece's strength. It's somewhere between cautious and skeptical, and I love how you use words which normally convey a sense of confidence (or at least a certainty in belief) to develop this tone. I also enjoyed your description, saying we follow outdated maps. I can't help but agree with that.

What I was hoping to see more of is the wonderful imagery I've seen in your poems. Instead, I was flooded with abstractions, which I found to be a bit of a departure from what I've seen in the past. Let me give you an example:

All translators are traitors.
Most speech is cheap and weak.

I was hoping for a more tactile manifestation of this idea, as this line merely tells of an idea. It doesn't give us something to hold onto in a sensory manner. A solid metaphor here would be a good way to lend some more potent imagery. Think of an animal or a sign of treason. Then, incorporate that as a way to describe the translators. As for speech, I understand that can be a little more difficult to make tactile, but perhaps you can describe the words as weightless or akin to German currency in the 1920s (when it made for better kindling than actual money). You had a good war image in lines three through five, and I was hoping to see more of it throughout the rest of the poem. There are certainly plenty of opportunities for it.

The poem is definitely on its way to holding the status of a gripping read. All it needs is more sensory imagery designed to make the readers feel the poem, not just merely read it.


~Elisa
** Image ID #932949 Unavailable **
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43
Review of Confusion  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Greetings! First off, kudos for your brief description in using 'leave' instead of 'let'; I've found some people have a tendency to switch those words around. Nice work!

As for the poem itself, I'm torn. On the one hand, I feel this poem dabbles too much in abstractions (emotions, ideas) and could benefit from more concrete images. On the other hand, I love the structure, as your crafting two word lines gives the poem a river-like rhythm, constantly bending and shifting. The easiest way to possibly reconcile this conflict is to add details to the images you do use yet still maintain the two-word line structure. Example:

Tears dry,
Pain growing.

For each of these, you can add details in pairs of words. With 'tears dry', you can add something like this.

salt patch
sticking to
my cheek.

With 'pain growing', you could use a metaphor that would involving something surfacing. To me, a seedling pushing its way through limestone comes to mind, but you can use any metaphor, even a person surfacing from underwater. Giving the reader some concrete details (or at least visuals) will make the confused and hurt moods reach through the page and touch the reader with greater intensity. I feel if you put too many concrete images in the piece it may prove to be more distracting than engaging. A few solid images in the middle of the poem (and perhaps even one closer to the end) would give the poem the fullest potentcy it could have.

This poem is off to a good start, and I can easily sense the tug-of-war tension in the narrator's voice. All it needs is some more fleshing out to expand on the emotional component.


~Elisa
** Image ID #932949 Unavailable **
44
44
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Greetings! It looks like you particularly enjoy this portion of your portfolio quite a bit, as you have put some thought into the folder's description. In that area, I would also recommend noting what forms you use (be it sonnets, free form or whatever you wish to mention). That way, visitors have an idea what to expect. You could also briefly mention some of your favorite subjects for poetry, something I'm sure potential readers would like to know. Basically, a little background on your poetry would be a wonderful addition to an already good folder. *Smile*

I do have one question, though. What is "STD. IX"? maybe you could answer that in the folder description as well. I sure was puzzled by it.



~Elisa
Smaller image for Wild Card Review
45
45
Rated: E | (4.0)
Greetings! Knowing that C-Notes are a popular item type on the site, I decided to stop in a have a look at this folder. I was a little disappointed to see only one C-Note shop. I admit I was hoping to see more, as I've noticed your liking of images in your various items. However, I noticed you also have some items for signatures in this folder as well. It's okay to store the two in one folder, but perhaps you should change the title of the folder to "C-Notes and Sigs" or something along those lines. Also, in the folder header, you can elaborate on your current and maybe even future C-Note collections so visitors have an idea of what lies inside. The organization of the items in the folder is a tad scattered as well. I recommend keeping the C-Note related items together (in the order) and keep the signature items together as well. The folder itself is good. It just needs some polish.



~Elisa
Smaller image for Wild Card Review
46
46
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Greetings! I love a good morbid poem, and I was intrigued with the structure you used. The red font solidified the concrete imagery, making the overall satisfyingly haunting. There were two things that stuck out, though.

*Bullet* Brief description:psycothic=psychotic

*Bullet* You mentioned that this poem was from the viewpoint of someone on the verge of death. To me, it almost seems too coherent and aware. I think with the way the death was caused, a little more stumbling on words would have been more effective. Example:

Stains of crimson, stains of death

An idea for creating the effect of stumbling on words:

S-s-tains of crimson...d-death

or something of that sort.

Other than that, it was an interesting read with a structure I thoroughly enjoyed. Speaking of enjoyment, I hope you liked all your gifts.*Wink*

** Image ID #1042734 Unavailable ** ,
a.k.a. Elisa/Stik *Smile*
47
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Review of 1) Mirage  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Greetings! Well, I've now gotten to the beginning of this collection! Normally I don't start at the ninth chapter or so. Anyway, as I read this, I once again was able to easily absorb this information on an emotional level. However, the tone was quite different than in subsequent chapters of this collection. It wasn't a bad change, but it was noticeable, and it made me perceive your adventures slightly differently.

As I read, I did notice a few things:

*Bullet*She was someone. Just a someone really. Someone that I found a connection with. it was a simple desire, really. To find a completeness in togetherness.

This passage could use some cleaning. Seeing that there's five lines in this passage, I noticed that three of them were sentence fragments. As well, line four in the passage needs to have 'I' capitalized. I think you could completely eliminate line two, as it's not giving the 'someone' much emphasis. From there, you could just combine the fragments with the two complete sentences.

*Bullet*I was still as much of a wuss as I am right now, which is to say: total.

As it is, this particular sentence is phrased kind of oddly. The isolation of 'total' makes reading the sentence a bit awkward, and I think it would be more effective in a different position in the sentence. Possibility:

I was still as much of a total wuss as I am right now.

Ultimately, how you rearrange that sentence up to you.

*Bullet*Also, I had a pink eraser, and one of us put a smiley face on it, and she called him 'Buddy'. Buddy the eraser.

We've got a combination of a run-on sentence next to a sentence fragment here. In this case, it might be most effective to put a period after the first 'eraser' and then combine the other two lines.

*Bullet*Buddy was a perfect encapsulation of our playful relationship that year, I think.

The 'I think' detracts from the certainty a statement like this should have. You could change that phrase into something that denotes it as a vague but special memory that you still can recall with a special fondness.

*Bullet* like a boat on a whirlwind sea. It almost made me vomit.
In sixth grade, we once again shared a classroom...

It looks like you want to have In sixth grade.... and what follows to be a new paragraph. You may want to put additional space in between the sections highlighted above.

*Bullet*(which would make 50% of a regular student's time taking hazing, and the rest giving it)

What exactly do you mean by 'time taking hazing'?

*Bullet*The choices in adding to the 'conversation' with friends were:

Having a colon after a verb is grammatically incorrect. This problem can be corrected with putting this in the active voice. Possibility:

I had two choices in making 'conversation' with my friends:

*Bullet* Everyone talked to the bus driver, who was very fun.

Here you're slipping into passive voice to some degree. You could put the adjective(s) describing the bus driver in front of his occupation to give this sentence an active voice.

*Bullet*And then when yearbooks came...

Just a suggestion: I think the sentence would have a smoother flow if the first two words removed. The 'and then' phrase seems unnecessary.

*Bullet*Stowed away in some desk drawer, with all the other mementos; a remembrance of someone who is no longer what she was, someone who likely never WAS what she was.


It appears we have a couple sets of sentence fragments here, and in both cases, it looks like they are just missing nouns at the beginning.

Overall, this was a charming and interesting peek into the beginning of your social adventures (misadventures?). I'll be back for continued readings. *Smile*

~Elisa
** Image ID #942421 Unavailable **



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
48
48
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Greetings! You have created a very imaginative story, yet somehow I felt strangely calm while reading this. Maybe it's because I thought Eddye's thoughts on religion and psychology made a lot sense. *Smile* In any case, as I read, I found a few minor things that could use clarification.

*Bullet* do hate the cold but I have begrudgingly gotten used to it.

This one of the few instances in which I spotted omitted commas where there that form of punctuation should be used. In this case, you could go about it one of two ways. The first method is to place a comma after 'cold', and the second method is to take out the 'I'.

Another place in which there was an omitted comma is in this sentence:

Now Eddye was that really necessary?”

In this case, you need a comma after 'Eddye'.

*Bullet*Watch your dialogue tags. There are some occassions in which you mix up your punctuation. Example:

I killed her.” I say barely audible.

Here you would use a comma instead of a period. This is predominant in your dialogue tags, so you may find this link useful. "Dialogue" 

*Bullet*In revision sessions, you may want to take a look at your diction. There are a couple instances in which your wording is very ambiguous. Example:

Then my vision blurs and I slowly look Dr. Sisken deep into her green eyes.

In this case, the use of 'slowly' threw me off, and as a result, I had to reread the sentence a few times before I realized that looking "deep into her green eyes" actually made any sense. In this particular instance, the lack of comma after 'blurs' also complicates the reading of this sentence.

Overall, you have an intrguing story, and hopefully I'll be able to sit down and look at the other chapters in the near future.

~Elisa
** Image ID #942421 Unavailable **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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49
Review of Any Other Time  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Greetings! I read through your lyrics, and the first thing that leaped out at me was your intro rating. What's your reason for rating it Non-E? That had me distracted as I read through the rest of the lyrics. The lyrics themselves left me anticipating more. I felt that you rushed to make your point in some cases, and as a result, I feel that you obscured your true feelings towards your stepmother. Even without changing any of the lyrics, there are small (but potent!) ways to strengthen the emotional impact (not to mention the voice and tone). The main one is punctuation. Sure, you use question marks in appropriate spaces, but why stop there? Exclamation points, elipses and hyphens work wonders, forming points at which you might be screaming the lyrics, drift off to another thought or suddenly reconsider something midsentence. Another small thing that might help is the utilization of bold and/or italics in spots to emphasize a point. Other ML tags such as those for color are also helpful for separating refrains from verses.

If you want to add to the lyrics, though, I suggest bringing in some details of the stepmother's behavior and how it affected the people you knew. Developing your stepmother's character, for better or worse, will make these lyrics more emotionally accessible to various readers. As well, it may be helpful for you to come to grips with your relationship, or lackthereof, whatever the case may be.

You've got a good start. Now's the time to revisit it and give it a good tweak*Smile*








~Elisa
For plugging Acid Tongued
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Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Greetings! Having finally gotten back into the swing of writing songs recently, it's also been easier for me to read them. As I read these, I could set these to a rhythm, something that in strictly written form is not easy to do. I was guessing that the chorus was to be stuck in between stanzas, working best being between every other stanza.

I imagine this song as being a lot like "Mississippi" by Train, a soft set of brooding lyrics set against a lazily flowing instrumental feature. You may think of the lyrics as kind of rushed because of all the running, but I can hear at something a little slower than walking speed.

The words themselves may be simple, but they leave a lot to the imagination musically. Good work!

~Elisa
For Lyrically Speaking
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