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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/somonne
Review Requests: ON
440 Public Reviews Given
I'm good at...
Adapting my review style according to the nature of the writing.
Least Favorite Item Types
Sci-fi; Paranormal; Religious; anything longer than 3000 words.
I will not review...
Erotica
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review by Gita
Rated: E | (3.5)

Your prologue is beautifully written. It describes the terrain of area, the deep knowledge the Africans (in this case, Samson) have with the land to the extent, even, that they can smell whether it will rain soon.

I love your description of Samson's hair as "greying" and "woolly"

The image you paint in the first four and a half paragraphs is serene It is also accurate - I know that, because familiar with the the east coast of Africa, Beira, and its surrounds.

I love your comparison of the eucalyptus trees (also known as blue gum trees) to tall blue gantries.

The story so far is well-told.

However, there are a lot of grammatical errors, especially the use of commas, which force me to lower your star rating. There are also some spelling mistakes.

In this review I will point out some spelling mistakes, but you are welcome to ask me to help you with the placing of commas.

"abounded" - did you mean "abandoned"?
In the paragraph beginning, "As my mother's grave..." you have misspelled "porch".
"dongers" - the word you need is "dongas".
"staitening" - should be straightening
"sent" (in the water) - should be "scent"

I enjoyed reading your prologue, and am sure I would enjoy the rest of the story just as much. Your style of writing appeals to me.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
2
2
Review of Little Things  
Review by Gita
Rated: E | (4.5)
What struck me most about this story was the good child psychology displayed by Peg's parents. In return for their best endeavours, they have a focused and mature six-year-old. It's also evident that all three characters are educated.

Grammatically your story is well-written, 'though I would suggest an explanation mark at the end of the following sentence, instead of a full stop: “Our kid’s a genius.”

I wish I knew what quotation inspired you to write this story, as I would then be able to indicate how well I think it relates to the quotation.

It certainly relates well to the title, as you present this threesome as being very happy with "Little Things" such as water, sand, algae, and something simple to eat.

Actually, I think I remember a quotation for a contest something to the effect that if you can't do great things, do little things in a great way. That's exactly what Peg's parents do in this story, in that they give Peg the love, support and values that will stand her in very good stead.

I enjoyed the story from the point of view of how the parents are bringing up their daughter to have confidence.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
3
3
Review of Church Clothes  
Review by Gita
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This story rings so true! It's a typical case of teen or pre-teen versus her mother.

Your words, "Her mother always stressed the importance of independence, of controlling one's own fate", ironically become the basis of Claire's argument, though she herself may not be aware of this.

Throw into the heat the threat by Claire of never going to church with her mother again, and the counter-stroke of "In that case, don't expect me to do you favors, like taking you to ballet" and you can't get closer to dead end! (How do parents and teenagers survive adolescence?)





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4
4
Review of Driftwood  
Review by Gita
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I see your torment as being due to the death of your baby in utero or during the birth process, hence you words, "the pain of losing a child".

The carrot that dangled in front of you did not give you what it promised, and so you "will never get to see his face, nor hear his laugh, nor kiss his cheek".

What is a cruel fate!

There are many references to your how you were let down including, "would never come to fruition", offered a "tease" instead of a "glimpse of the future", The "wreckage" (what a sad way to remember your baby) was ripped from your own body.

Well, so far I have quoted you, but that helped me to understand your suffering and the dramatic metaphors that you use to mirror this. As you say, there is nothing to aid you.

It seems, also, that you might have been bearing a child that (that you knew you might never see alive) for some time, since you write, "And slowly it was, an excruciating snail's pace."

You have convincingly conveyed how distraught you are, to the extent that the reader is also disturbed.

The wording of your poem is dramatic, which is not surprising, considering the intense pain you continue to endure. I understand your appeal for the hell to stop.

Lastly, I would like to mention your wording: "a memory I never actually had." The contradiction in terms is, unfortunately, very apt.

This is a powerful piece of writing.




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
5
5
Review by Gita
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)

As usual, your images are are excellent.

In particular, I like:
"cathedral of trees"
"A muff of brown hair bobbed"

"the chain of her servitude forged beneath the bell’s hammering chime" is an excellent
metaphor!

You might need to go through this story again to look at the following:

"the ground vibrant with close-growing scrub; Like the tightly curled down of a sleeping
giantess." Is the capital letter after the semi-colon correct?

"eying" Is the spelling correct?

“Yes,” she said. “and the first thing to go.” I think "and" should start with a capital
letter.

The story is very good and so is its relationship to the title.



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
6
6
Review of Survival  
Review by Gita
Rated: E | (4.0)
The subject matter of your story is interesting, and the scenario is scary.

Putting aside the fact that economists are of the opinion that "trillions of dollars in federal debt" is "OK", the upshot of the US declaring bankruptcy is plausible in your story.

You put into perspective the difference between the wide chasm between "getting a date on Friday night and making rent by the end of the month" and a fight for survival.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
7
7
Review of HELP!  
Review by Gita
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a sad and cynical commentary on certain people, and I definitely agree that this lack of caring for or, rather, lack of doing something to help a stranger, is widespread.

I say "certain" people in the belief that not all of humankind is loathe to help in the case of a stranger's need.

Your cynicism comes over well.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
8
8
Review by Gita
Rated: E | (4.0)
There is a gentleness about this poem. I think it comes not only from the subject matter, but from some of the vocabulary. The word "whisper" is an effective onomatopoeia. The word "melt" in the context of the poem is gentle and soothing.

Although the poem is born from a longing, it conveys positivity, particularly in the last verse.

I think that your poem is well constructed.

"When I need to know your there": Please note that "your" should read "you're".


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9
9
Review of NIGHTTIME  
Review by Gita
Rated: E | (4.5)
You made me smile, as I didn't expect such an ending at all! In fact you kept me guessing as to the nature of the being that was outside at night. At first I assumed it was a human being, but verses three and four started me thinking it could be something else.

In addition, verses five, six and seven give no clue whatsoever that you were at your own house, which adds to the surprise element.

The fast rhythm (iambic meter) is in keeping with the suspense that builds up.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
10
10
Review by Gita
Rated: E | (5.0)
You had it made!

It would be interesting to know what you had in mind "that was to be". Still, this was a good, clean and happy departure point.

As grandiose as your ideas were, and as realistic as they may have seemed at the time, I'm almost certain that at this stage your idea of a great time would not be to hit the road with your motor cycle (for two!) and leather bag.

Your poem reflects the reality that was then.

It captures the ways of youth.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
11
11
Review of Daily Abuse  
Review by Gita
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a profoundly bad state of affairs.

It's interesting that there is more than one person who is ruling your life. Could those be your parents? If so, you must speak out - if not to them, then to a psychologist.

"An abuser is one who feeds on fear." This is well expressed.




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
12
12
Review of Ignited  
Review by Gita
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
The use of the words "ignite", "flame", "spark" and "fire" leave the reader in no doubt about the passion you feel.

I think that the first verse is very good.

To me the third verse has strong and graphic sexual connotations and I wonder whether the poem is suitable for thirteen-year-old children.

The last verse is very dramatic.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
13
13
Review by Gita
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
I thoroughly enjoyed reading your story.

You give the reader good insight into the life experiences and personality of each character. They feel real to me.

The story is interesting from the beginning right until the end of chapter 5, where you left me hanging and wishing I didn't need to stop reading.

The sequence of events evolves at a good pace and holds the reader's attention all the time.

I find Joan very appealing as a character, and was touched by how she went about putting Mokuba at ease.

I can see this becoming a success!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
14
14
Review by Gita
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
While you have accurately described all the motions of a "would-be" transgender woman, it seems as if he is in the beginning stages of the process. In other words, he wants to transgender, but hasn't done so yet.

The next step is to be assessed by psychologists and doctors. They will decide whether there is sufficient basis for the individual to be treated with hormones to increase the size of his breasts (as a start to the journey).

The final steps are surgical.

Your writing has a nice playful tone, in keeping with the games that the would-be transgender woman would play in the early stages of transgender process.

It is well written.



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
15
15
Review by Gita
Rated: E | (4.5)
Your description of the symptoms of depression is comprehensive and vividly evokes the profound suffering it causes.

Your comparison of depression to a "dark pathogen" eating you away gives the reader an idea of how frightening and ghastly the illness is.

I have picked up only one english language mistake in this writing: 'nonetheless' is one word, not three.

Your use of inverted commas seems to be incorrect. These are meant to be used to quote what someone has said or written, and are composed of an opening inverted comma (") and a closing inverted comma ("). To illustrate, here is a quotation from the Bible: "In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth."

All in all, your writing is well expressed, powerful, and convincing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
16
16
Review by Gita
Rated: E | (4.0)
Bearing in mind your age, I'd like to congratulate you on your insight into people's emotions (yours and Mei's) and on the general maturity of your writing, which is displayed by your vocabulary and the content of your story.

A score of 23/30 is equivalent to 77%, which I think is appropriate. It's a good score.

I see some issues with grammar, rather than with spelling.

If you would like examples of how to improve grammar errors in this piece of writing, I can put them in email form


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
17
17
Review of The Piano Bar  
Review by Gita
Rated: E | (4.5)
You've written an interesting story which covers many topics, including: finding out how people would like to spend a windfall of money, how the embezzler actually spent it, a new life in an exotic location, and a new business - all this from an experiment to see whether the narrator could get away with stealing the $50,000.00.

Two errors jump out at me:

"There was two bartenders..." should be "There were two bartenders...".
In the third last line there's a typo: thee beach.

I enjoyed this read.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
18
18
Review by Gita
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
I like your views on what a good person is and well done for you to remaining decent even after you had to give up on your lover.

Remedy and Solution following on your Heartbreak are commendable. (I see the HRS in your pen!)

In the second line, where you have used "{b)where, I thing you meant "were

There are quite a few grammatical errors in this piece, but I like your thinking and philosophy, and strongly recommend that you continue to write.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
19
19
Review of Ten Dollars  
Review by Gita
Rated: E | (4.5)
This story is written with sensitivity.

You understand the weak and the strong points of all your characters and have built your story around those.

I see loneliness as the main theme of your story.

I think that even Carmichael is lonely. He stays behind the counter and doesn't interact with customers in a meaningful manner. Over the years he could have spent tens of thousands of hours like that.

I also see the theme of 'give and take' woven through the story.

You have created characters whom you really understand.

There are one or two grammatical errors in your story, which I'll point out to you in an email.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
20
20
Review of Potato Mama  
Review by Gita
Rated: E | (4.0)
Your rhyming free verse tells a tale that is so familiar, it made me smile.

"Must get something I look good in for the Barmitzvah!. Eek, I look terrible in everything!"

A familiar theme within this familiar tale is all the diets one tries. I like the expression, "...I've been up and down and on so many diets..."

My favourite phrase, which I think is very funny, is, "this fate of getting more than I bargained for".

I've come to the conclusion that the comedy lies both in your words and in the familiarity of all your problems!

There's one thing that needs to be amended in this poem, and that is the word 'loss' in the last line.


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21
21
Review of Free Of Doubt  
Review by Gita
Rated: E | (5.0)
Wow! You spewed out all your loathing of the perfidious, unschooled preacher.
Methinks, actually, that your loathing extends to all preachers and all religions.

I see an atheist in you, or at least an agnostic.

The thirteen-year-old is as astute as you are, saying 'Thank You' to no-one.

I've sometimes wondered why WDC doesn't have atheism as a genre. (They have 'religious'.)

Please let me know if I've got this all wrong. If I have, I apologise for offending you.



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22
22
Review of The Judge  
Review by Gita
Rated: E | (4.5)
You made me giggle.

I wonder which was the greater crime, the one alleged to have been committed or taking up the bailiff's parking space.

In this funny little story, you raise an extremely pertinent question: Does man really have the ability to judge fairly?

This is very well written and well worth reading.


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23
23
Review of Reality  
Review by Gita
Rated: E | (4.5)
This sad poem cuts me like a blade, just as your depression cuts you.

In your poem the only way for you to escape the present reality is to dream of happiness and success. Your dream of getting recognition and the places your happy senses take you are beautifully described.

I believe you've found a rung on the ladder to success on Writing.com.



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24
24
Review by Gita
Rated: E | (5.0)
My feeling is that in this poem you explore space and time from the point of view of a living person and his perception of the two.

My mind immediately jumped to scientific theories (of which I am certain you are aware) which regard space and time as being so closely interlinked that they are generally viewed as one entity called 'spacetime'.

I find your poems most thought-provoking.



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25
25
Review by Gita
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I think that your reference to being caught in quicksand is very fitting. I feel the sensations of sinking and od helpnessness.

It's true that many others are "Drowning in this world", but in your poem you imply that that is of little or no solace to a person who is emotionally or mentally ill.

Kindness from family isn't the answer either, as:

"...the mirage melts away like
hairdryer to crayons".

You depict emotional and psychotic suffering accurately. (I've been there!)


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