No baby asks to be born (and no baby can choose his/her parents).
A baby truly
"...has no control
over how her parents will treat her,
over whether they will truly love
and take good care of her,
or whether they will abuse her..."
The 'rub' of your poem lies in the last verse. It potentially raises the question of abortion, a very contentious issue.
The description of your pain is such that it pains the reader, too.
Amongst the lines and phrases that I think are well written are the following:
"But you don’t understand because you’re not inside my brain."
"...those memories are like a stain
And I can't was it out..."
"...cuts through...like shards of glass"
There is some rhyming at the end of some lines. It's not consistent, but it does make for smooth reading.
I like the title, and enjoyed reading this story. You impart a sense of curiosity, then a sense of eeriness and finally the atmosphere is powerfully foreboding.
As a lover of cats, I smiled at the typical haughtiness and antics of H.P. He is a welcome distraction to an otherwise dark narrative.
There are a few places which I find unnecessarily wordy, for example:
"To this means, I began to deposit all of my items into their respective places." My own opinion is that this sentence is not necessary.
"Upon opening the door and stepping out..." This phrase need not be so long, and you've used the word "Upon" elsewhere in the story. (Again, this is my own opinion.)
My last comment is that at times your punctuation is not correct.
This poem meets all the requirement of a tableau poem, including the use of the word 'tableau' in the title.
The Syrian Ceasefire was hardly even a lull, as Russia used her bombs just hours after 'ceasefire was declared'. I therefore see irony in your title.
You have reflected the horrific costs to human lives as a result of the airstrike. In this I include not only the death of the woman, but the pernicious loss the feeling of safety which is every child's due.
The "child's tear streaked face" "wide eyed in horror" is an all too familiar sight, as is the image of rescuers stepping over bricks picking through rubble and debris.
The breeze, normally welcome, brings no respite to the scene - only a gruesome signal of the woman and her blood.
This reads as an honest, determined attempt to improve your ways and in so doing, your health.
What impresses me is that you "want" to be well; it seems that you know the correct steps to take and that you are following up on them. The second last line reveals some healthy pragmatism on your side.
Thank you for giving this reader insight into your journey.
(It puzzles me that you last modified this account in 2013 and that I'm reading it in 2018!)
As an introductory paragraph, I'd say this is successful. It gives insight as to what the story revolves around; you have already created some suspense; there are no long, boring descriptions; and you have introduced the reader to some main characters. Kelly's anxiey is well described.
While the writing is quite good, the punctuation and layout need improvement. However, that can be done at a later stage - by somebody other than you if necessary.
Would you mind letting me know whether this is, in fact, the introduction to your story?
It's interesting that you've described a young boy's life and home (your own?) with repeated descriptions of imperfect steps. These suggest that the home in which he lived was somewhat decrepit.
Yet you make it plain that the boy was not disturbed by this. He has loving memories of his "daddy's workshop" in the basement despite the fact that the basement had creaky steps, was always dark and damp, and was filled with spiders.
In verses four and five you impart a sense of serenity and togetherness in the evening activities of the family.
The new house is a few "steps" above the previous one, and the contrast is clear. This enables you to return to the boy's loving memories of the old home, it steps and stories.
Thank you for is a touching story.
Kindly note that in the last verse "Who's" should be Whose". This is the only reason for the loss of half a star.
This is a touching piece of writing, and the setting is beautifully described in the first verse. In this verse I love the following: "A snowy embankment frames the scene" and "their graceful wake cutting the surface". An atmosphere of peace and calm, as well as the theme of nature, is established in this first verse, and is carried through the poem.
The first two lines of the second verse are charming.
In the last verse you reveal no resentment towards David, explaining pragmatically what his downfall was. I like the simple way in which you put it: "Too bad he didn't have the answers to life's questions." Your poem concludes with the calmness so well expressed in the first two verses.
Since the rest of the poem is correctly punctuated, I think that the first verse should be revisited with the aim of including more punctuation marks.
Your relaxed style of writing and frankness made me feel as if this was a tête à tête between you the writer and me the reader. Being a 'senior' woman, I can relate to most of what you wrote.
May I read a tiny bit of humour into "I prayed like hell to not die of cancer"?
It's a bit daunting to me to review a moderator's poem, but I'd like to do so nevertheless.
The shape of your poem reflects the woman's singularity, solitariness and isolation within in a larger expanse.
I've seen such women as you describe and can confirm the physical description in the first three lines.
"She shuffles" is an observation that I wouldn't have thought of were I writing a poem about the topic but you're correct. The word "shuffles" conveys to me quite a few things about her, amongst which could be that she's tired; she is sore; she has no expectations so there is no reason for her to take determined steps.
Her eccentricity is linked, perhaps, to her being a "prisoner of her/own mind". I've noticed that some such people become so much a prisoner of their own mind that they eventually lose touch with reality and could be called 'mad'. You sum up the reason in the last four lines.
All in all, your observations and conclusions are spot on.
First verse: My own opinion is that the longer lines spoil the rhythm of the poem. Apart from that, you have managed to give the reader a good sense of the bird's freedom.
Second verse: I like every line of this verse, and it evoked a strong sense of sadness in me. It is a good piece of writing. I think, though, that the word "free" should be used once only in the verse.
General: You have not used the semi-colon (;) correctly. I'd gladly help you with the grammar used in this poem. Please contact me if you would like to take up this offer.
This IS an unusual tale! Why on earth were you not allowed to wear pins?
You poor girl, dressed in high heels which no doubt made you most uncomfortable.
The refrain:
"No pin on pallu, no pin on pleat
In high heals it was
quite a feat" lends to the commedy, as does Jabberwocky's "Oh frabjous day! Callooh! Callay".
It's a light-hearted poem; What detracts from the humour, in my opinion, is the the serious expectation of attracting a husband, but of course that is important in many a culture.
A fun poem, which got me looking up some Indian words.
You have shared some profound truths in this poem and at the same time you have emphasised that some upsetting events are not so serious when compared with other, more painful, events.
I like your perspective of things working out if you have "two feet on the ground!"
I agree with the statements, "Time is a-wasting - do go out and live;" and I like the truism of your last line.
There is a quite a lot of sensible advice in this poem.
What you have chosen to write about is probably the most unexpected event ever to occur in the USA.
Your poem imparts a sense of horror and grief.
Some of the phrases which I thought were well-written include:
"besieged so diabolically"
"so many perished while doing their duty"
"The country united in grief stricken pain"
"With the U.S. shaken to its very core"
My favourite verse is the last one. How brave were those who tackled their captors, knowing that they themselves were facing an untimely death.
The most inspiring thing about your story is how pure Tommy's love for Starboy is.
His love is not in any way contingent on things material. He loves Starboy in spite of the fact that the beautiful high-rise apartment is now out of their reach; he loves him in spite of the fact that he has been fired.
Another demonstration of Tommy's indifference to material things is the marriage ring, made of simple iron. His love for Starboy was greater than his need to impress. The ring was a symbol of love, not extravagance. The wedding was a small one and probably not very expensive; but it had the most important components: love between the couple, and some (presumably good) friends. (Family is not mentioned.)
You've used the 'prompt' words well. They fit so smoothly into the story that one would never think that you had to fit your story around the words!
I think that the most significant words in your story are: "We still have love .................., and that's all that mattered at that moment."
Although I don't understand many of the lines, I would like to review this beautiful poem.
The main message appears, I think, in the following lines:
"A soul cut from a different cloth,
to the beat of different drums
This cut is not inferior
this world's not cut for me"
Within these lines you describe the cloth as a colourful tapestry. Your metaphor of people being moths shows that life and feelings are vulnerable. Moths and people are (metaphorically) made of threads. The title "Tapestries" is apt and the theme of tapestry appears frequently in the poem in words and phrases such as "patterned wings", "A swarm of threads, a tattered thing,/the weaving of this game" (the game being life or living?), "threads", "unravelled", "loom" (is this a pun?), "weave", "fibres" and "loom" (a second mention).
To me, you've written in colourful as well as delicate terms that you don't fit in with society. However though you're different, you believe in yourself and that you will survive, be self-sufficient, seizing the day.
This is a finely interlaced composition of images and philosophy.
Please would you let me know whether I have comprehended some of what is conveyed in this poem.
(I am not giving you five stars, simply because I don't understand all of the poem. I know that that is my problem, not yours, but I feel I cannot judge what I don't understand.)
At first I thought this poem was related to abuse of harmful drugs.
Now that see that the administration of the drug will only occur in 6-minute intervals I realise that it might be medication used to ease physical pain, perhaps after serious surgery.
Either way, there is suffering and anguish before the six minutes are up. Since I've had a similar experience after spinal surgery, the poem rings true.
The poem is well-written, and certainly makes this reader aware of the victim's pain and longing for six minutes to pass. Six minutes, under the circumstances, is clearly a very long time ("unending") for the patient.
Your story held my interest from beginning to end. Not only was the parcel a surprise in many ways but the story itself carried the reader from surprise to surprise.
I'm as curious as the characters in the story to know what was written on that note. You have a way of keeping the reader in suspense.
I was about to write here that you had given the reader a full picture of the protagonist's life (which you have), and went back to the story to find her name. I realised then that while reading the story I hadn't even notice that her name was never mentioned. That goes to show how engrossed I was in the story, and it's quite a feat on your part. Was the withholding of the name done on purpose?
This is honestly related, with a lot of tongue-in-cheek humour.
I laughed at "Through me they get to see the other, more refined side of U.S. culture." I get it: wam-bam and bouncing off the walls and furniture is culture!
I loved "They’re all pretty much the same: one hot heavy step forward, followed by two catholic steps back."
The theme of you as a predator is a good metaphor, and is well carried right through your writing.
I believe that you are a caring and compassionate person already.
This poem is very relevant right now, but unfortunately is also has also been so throughout the history of the world.
I've taken note of the rhyming in this poem, which is regular and fitting.
I presume you mean that it is the bigots, zealots, and fools who encourage war, but I doubt that they'll cease to exit. Your first line is in line with what I have just said.
The last two lines are wishful thinking, but there's nothing wrong with hope.
Your poem is logical, well-written, and the message is clear.
I think this first chapter raises interest and that therefore you should continue the story. It is mysterious enough for a reader to want to know more.
I like the idea of putting the baddies's speech in bold, since it adds to the ominousness and also makes for easier reading.
I see some punctuation mistakes, but a good editor could remedy that.
Your have cleverly paired many features in the two versions of your story, which parallel each other.
Part 1 was beautifully written. I loved the following two phrases:
'stretched and rolled out of my sleep'
'Breakfast called me to the hills'
'the bounty of this place'
I liked the repetitive use of 'silly moose' and 'Ah well, each to his own' which you used in both parts.
The title, 'Silly Moose' was appealing and appropriate.
As a matter of interest, I wondered at times, when I was reading the first part of your story, whether the character was human or animal! I was looking forward to finding out the answer. Also, I was surprised to find out in Part 2 that the narrator was a woman. Was that intentional?
Unfortunately I can't award you five stars, as you have made a few mistakes. Please let me know, if you wish me to point them out to you.
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