It's interesting that there is more than one person who is ruling your life. Could those be your parents? If so, you must speak out - if not to them, then to a psychologist.
"An abuser is one who feeds on fear." This is well expressed.
While you have accurately described all the motions of a "would-be" transgender woman, it seems as if he is in the beginning stages of the process. In other words, he wants to transgender, but hasn't done so yet.
The next step is to be assessed by psychologists and doctors. They will decide whether there is sufficient basis for the individual to be treated with hormones to increase the size of his breasts (as a start to the journey).
The final steps are surgical.
Your writing has a nice playful tone, in keeping with the games that the would-be transgender woman would play in the early stages of transgender process.
Your description of the symptoms of depression is comprehensive and vividly evokes the profound suffering it causes.
Your comparison of depression to a "dark pathogen" eating you away gives the reader an idea of how frightening and ghastly the illness is.
I have picked up only one english language mistake in this writing: 'nonetheless' is one word, not three.
Your use of inverted commas seems to be incorrect. These are meant to be used to quote what someone has said or written, and are composed of an opening inverted comma (") and a closing inverted comma ("). To illustrate, here is a quotation from the Bible: "In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth."
All in all, your writing is well expressed, powerful, and convincing.
Bearing in mind your age, I'd like to congratulate you on your insight into people's emotions (yours and Mei's) and on the general maturity of your writing, which is displayed by your vocabulary and the content of your story.
A score of 23/30 is equivalent to 77%, which I think is appropriate. It's a good score.
I see some issues with grammar, rather than with spelling.
If you would like examples of how to improve grammar errors in this piece of writing, I can put them in email form
This sad poem cuts me like a blade, just as your depression cuts you.
In your poem the only way for you to escape the present reality is to dream of happiness and success. Your dream of getting recognition and the places your happy senses take you are beautifully described.
I believe you've found a rung on the ladder to success on Writing.com.
It's generally accepted that the story-line of this (known) title is, as you imply, that the tiny shoes were never worn because the baby for whom they were bought had died.
The "seller" claims never to have seen the shoes, then becomes immersed in a fantasy of what they look like. Your description is very imaginative.
You also reveal the instability of the emotions of the "seller" who is - there's no doubt in my mind - a parent of the child. These emotions are still raw and it becomes apparent that the parent hasn't come to turns with the tragedy.
Your poem is beautifully written, and shows your deep understanding of the pitiful situation.
You wanted to tell us about yourself and indeed you have, beginning with a lot of information in the second paragraph.
The Executive Order you mention is too horrible to contemplate so, like you, I'm pleased that your mind is very much on music and movies. You seem to have a comprehensive knowledge of modern music and musicians.
Your Mom taught a guitar class? It seems that your love of music is literally in your blood!
It saddens me to read what a terrible effect bullying has, and that you are on the receiving side. It is clear that you feel powerless to do anything about it and don't even have anybody to whom you can talk about it.
Try to think of someone who might listen to you, such as a priest or other religious leader, an uncle or someone else in the family.. There may even be a counselor who offers a free service. Is there not a telephone number you can use to reach an organisation that specialises in helping people?
The sooner you find someone to talk to the better. I wish you good luck.
One wonders how you found yourself in this dangerous situation.
Is this piece of writing meant to be a metaphor of life, in which one needs to have the "will" to overcome difficulties, or are you genuinely in a desert?
Just a little help:
"it's" means "it is". (The apostrophe takes the place of the "i".)
I'm not sure whether the word "exhaustive" is correctly used. I would have written "exhausting".
I think you opened with inverted commas(")by mistake.
It makes me sad to think that a person would need to fool himself (read 'himself' or 'herself') into believing that living without a partner is preferable to living with one - a suitable one, of course. As it happens, I know such a person personally, and he is not a happy man.
Well done to you for using only two rhyming sounds throughout the poem at the end of each line (with the exception of the first line.)
What strikes me about your poem is its utter tenderness. "My little dove" is a touching example of your tender feelings of love, as is your wish for baby's mind to be at ease.
You understand how soothing and reassuring it is for baby to have something soft to hold or touch. In this connection I love the words, "I've laid your teddy by your side/So, take his paw".
The poem is all about the baby's needs and your wishing him comfort. Nowhere do you hint that it would be in your interests for baby to have a good night. That always featured in my efforts to ensure that my little ones slept well!
The ocean calls to may people, so in this respect a lot of readers would identify with the poem.
People who wish to be cremated, or their family, often wish to have the ashes scattered somewhere in nature, for example on a hill or in the ocean, so here too many readers would identify with the poem.
What I personally find strange is the fact that you want your family to remember the "pain" and "regrets". I think it's more usual to wish for one's family to remember "the good times".
The reader does not know to what pains you refer. Only you, as the poet, know. As a reader I am curious to know whether there is something nasty in your life from which you would be happy to escape. It gives me food for thought - which is something I like.
The refrain,
"Let this be the end
Let this be peace
Let this be the end
Of me"
seems to confirm that you look forward to peace in death, as opposed to living with something unpleasant in life.
The poem is well written. I can feel a gentleness and peacefulness upon reading it; at the same time, however, the "pain and "regrets" from which you seem to want to escape disturb me - simply because I'd like to think there is some happiness in your life.
This brought a smile to my face as soon as I realised what the little yellow beast was, which I did at the mention of "proboscis".
Your whopping exaggeration is what makes this piece so funny! Now why wasn't I clever enough to take a few days off school while until my complexion was flawless?
Lovely writing, but may I point out something that would help you in future writing?
"it's" means "it is and "its" shows possession (the cat licked its fur.) It's only in the case of "it is" that the apostrophe doesn't show possession - it's just to confuse us!!"
The metaphor of the man protecting himself with armour against his tormentors is well-described.
I like the idea of the (symbolic) olive branches and doves which had been a peace offering to help him out of his shell of self protection.
I think that the "house of cards" makes very apparent the precarious situation he was in when his armour fell away.
It's commendable of his wife (though she had to distance herself) never to give up on her husband throughout the years of conflict with himself. Had she not been so very supportive when he became vulnerable again, he wouldn't have been able to write this story. The man obviously appreciates the fact that she helped him through his pain.
Ironically, though the piece is titled The Hero, the man realises that his wife would never accept this as a title.
This story presents an excellent motive for Jeremy to learn that multiplying fractions is indeed needed in real life.
Pg 12 challenges the students to get every exercise within the story correct, and apply their minds to the questions posed.
The story could then be used by the English teacher to use in a "comprehension" lesson to test vocabulary, and to have a general discussion on the meaning of "motivation". Students could tell the teacher or write about examples of situations where motivation helped them, or lack of motivation stalled them.
Your good story needs fine-tuning, however. I suggest that you scrutinise the punctuation and change the name "Louise"!
Actually there are a few stories about Deep Blue within your story. You have an excellent imagination.
Your choice of title adds to the intrigue, as does the name "Amagardo".
"Well that is a perfectly morbid thought, Janeen. Sounds like one of those horrid stories you dream up."
I've just quoted what John said to Janeen about her version of what happened. In fact, her version was the closest to the truth - if we are to believe the last story in your piece of writing.
The last point of intrigue I'd like to comment on is the discovery of the jewel by the children.
There are some grammar errors in your story so unfortunately I can't give you a rating of 5.
You buckled down, prepared your machine, and in the intense heat devoted time and effort to the job. You were determined to achieve a good result, and your standards were high.
Your success was certainly cause for joy and pride.
The effort you put into writing this poem has also paid off. I see the picture; I feel the hard work; I share in your pride.
(Did you intend to keep both the first and the last verses just as they are?)
This poem is a sensitive observation of a homeless beggar. Though you describe what the beggar looks like - including the word "troll" - the poem concentrates more on the feelings of the man. In fact, this is a commentary applicable to all such unfortunate people, I presume.
The words of the poem are spoken by the beggar, and it appears that he was once a man of standing since he speaks of the sense of self-worth he once had. His vocabulary is good an his grammar is better than that of many: "I wish I were dead."
One little mistake you, the writer, made is in the word "humanities" in the second last line. I'm, sure you meant "humanity's".
You have captured the feelings of this beggar very well, and the (one) rhyme at the end of the line in every verse, helps to make the poem flow.
The poem is a sensitive observation of the plight of this particular beggar. It leaves me thinking, "There, but for the grace of God go I."
You were fortunate, in your college years, to understand so clearly the role of parents. I use the word "fortunate" because it seems to me that your parents understood their role, too.
Had you had the misfortune of having parents who presented barriers to your emotional growth, I don't think that your thought process would be as mature as is demonstrated in this poem.
I think that the analogies you used in this poem are particularly appropriate. A seafarer's life can be dangerous, and he would need a lot of excellent guidance!
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