The message in your poem has been well conveyed, in a suitably unsophisticated and "chatty" style.
You, the author, and I, the reader, are aware of Ben's strength of character, and the love that pulls the family together and that these factors contribute greatly to their sense of identity and self-sufficiency. I like the way you emphasise in "They.Are.A.Person" the fact that the family lives, loves, feels and does. (I wonder how many of those who "stick" their "nose up in disgust", have the moral fibre of Ben and enjoy the mutual love that the members of this family do?")
Amongst my favourite lines are:
"When did it become acceptable
To play God in our small shoes?"
This poem would be suitable as material to be studied and discussed in schools.
When I read the word "apocalypse" in your briefing, I wondered what sort it would be. To my mind, the narrator's and his partner's emotions could be the same for their death/s under any circumstances, which puts more of a philosophical slant on it.
What made me curious to read your poem was the fact that we must all face death and, since there must surely be not only different views about mortality, there must differing degrees of fear.
Your message message is clear: The relationship between the couple has been a good one; both partners are grateful for having had each other in their lives; because of this the prospect of imminent death does not alarm them unduly.
Your poem, despite its "darkness", is heartwarming.
This is an unusual story, cleverly thought out. It seems to be a freak of nature that such a manly-looking person should have a girl's voice.
Your wording conveys well the embarrassment and unhappiness his falsetto voice brought him.
I would like to think that, in the context of the story, "cut to the bone" might mean "deeply hurt" (the man was cut to the bone by his voice) and also "well carved" (the poems that he wrote were well-carved).
These 'imagined' meanings would give credence to the title and credence to the nature of the man's poems. Unfortunately, however, I can find no relationship between the expression "cut to the bone" and the meanings "deeply hurt" or "well-carved".
Of course there is a connection between the word "bone" and the man's dogs, but no mention is made of this in your story.
To give you credit for your ideas, though, I am going to give you a rating of 50%.
You have presented the reader with a raw slice of life. It is very well written and succeeds in making me sorrowful.
Some of the expressions which I like include:
"...I am swallowed by another painful memory."
"A voice brings me out of the parade of memories..."
The time sequence in the following is poignant: "As summer turned to fall, she became more and more ill..."
The only problem with the piece is that you have some grammatical errors, and you have not mastered the punctuation of direct speech.
If you would like some guidance so that you can make the necessary corrections, I'd be happy to help you.
You might be unhappy with my star rating. But for your grammatical errors, it would be much, much higher.
Gita
This is a heartfelt slice of raw life. It is well written, and makes me feel sorrowful.
"As summer turned to fall, she became more and more ill..." The time sequence is poignant. I also like the expression, "...I am swallowed by another painful memory." The last few
words of the piece are a fitting end, tying up well with the title.
In my opinion, the correction of grammatical errors will help to make this account of your beautiful mother (I do like the title, by the way) a winner. These errors include the following:
Second sentence: "it's" should be "its". I also suggest that you keep to the past tense, so "sparkle" should be "sparkled".
It would be a good idea to learn more about the punctuation of direct speech before you enter this in a competition. I'd be happy to help you with the punctuation in an email if you so desire.
This poem reminded me of the quote "Home is where you hang your hat"!
A troisieme can be tricky to write, but you've succeeded, using subject which is dear to my heart.
If robin hadn't added hair to her nest I would have been highly disappointed in her. She did it right I love the addition of vine and Christmas tinsel. The latter adds brightness and happiness to the reader's expectation of her brood.
Of course, the cap was the ideal choice, hidden atop the oaken beam. I hope owner and Sweetheart don't remember where it was put!
There's a lot of robins' (since there's a pair) life which can be read into your poem.
I enjoyed reading Part 1 of this story. It is extremely well written, reflecting typical childhood activities as well as typical habits and aspirations of a certain high-born class.
Also typical of the times is the distance between parents and children, both physical and emotional You've illustrated this subtly. An example that struck me is Clara's father brushing off Clara's enjoyment in the creek as "silly matters" and "nothing important".
I think there is one grammatical error in this piece of writing, though I might be wrong. I refer to the phrase, "As I approached him, crawling around on his hands and knees..." I'll call the problem 'subject-verb agreement". Though it makes no sense in the context of your story, I tend to think this should read as "As I approached him, crawling along on MY hands and knees...". I wonder what your point of view is. Should the sentence be re-phrased?
The story interested me and held my attention from beginning to end, and I look forward to reading Part 2.
I seldom comment on haiku poems, but this one really says a lot to me.
I'm thinking particularly about surfaces: My impression of snow-capped mountains gleaming is one of a smooth, shiny surface. In the middle line you extend this impression when you mention the reflection on the surface of the water.
Suddenly the surface is broken by the whale.
Now I'm thinking about sound: I don't hear a thing; the experience is visual. It's interesting to note, though, that some scientists theorise that whales breach in order to communicate very loudly.
You were lucky to have this wonderful experience, and you have described it beautifully.
There are many words in this poem which go with the theme of uncertainty. These include: "puzzle", "timidly", "phantom", "trial", "hovering", "wanderers", and "shadows". There are also some good phrases which convey the incompleteness on the relationship. One which I love is: "a touch never felt."
In the first verse the following words excellently describe the potential for a firmer or deeper relationship:
"...puzzle without a picture.
Pieces on a table
timidly positioned to fit."
You've succeeded in repeatedly emphasising your need to be at home with your wife.
Your description of the accident is detailed, convincing and well written.
The paranormal part of your story starts with the words, "I take a deep breath in..." I would have started a new paragraph for the paranormal experience.
I think that the layout of the writing could be improved upon.
Spelling mistakes: "cant" should be "can't", and in this case "its" should be "it's", meaning 'it is'.
I chuckled when I realised this was all about the dentist! Would you think me very lewd if I told you I thought you were going to take her virginity? When I read the word "chair", I was a bit confused. I know it doesn't have to be the missionary position every time, but I've always thought that would be best position for the first time.
The second and the second last sentences were excellent red herrings.
I belong to the same generation as you, JA, and agree that too much cotton wool is not a good thing. Are you from the USA? Is caning allowed in schools, and is physical punishment allowed at home? In South Africa all hysical punishment is now forbidden by the law.
Obesity: It is a problem in South Africa, though it hasn't reached USA proportions yet. Also, because of bad transport conditions, people tend to do more walking. I feel that parents should play a bigger role in controlling what their children eat and encourage them to have physical exercise. One way of doing this is to get the whole family to exercise together. (We used to have compulsory exercise at school.) The length o exposure to the kind of electronic games that you mention, and to TV, should be controlled by the parents.
Physical appearance: The new psychology seems to be that children must be encouraged to establish their own identity, and this includes choosing their own appearance. Parents should set a good example.
Attitude: Respect is in short supply here, too. Again, parents must set the example of showing respect to their children and to everyone else. There should be penalties for disrespect.
I wish we could have mandatory courses for parents on the responsibility of being a parent.
The above are obviously my views, and it's very difficult to act on what I suggested, I know.
Before leaving, I 'd like to congratulate you on being the most caned boy at school! I wonder whether you beat my brother, who also scored very high!
I heard the other day that our planet can fit into "Our Star" one million times! Since the sun is so large and is the closest star to planet earth, it is indeed the brightest star we'll ever see.
I think about the next-to-nil chance we had of being born at all, and how blessed we are to witness the beauty of the setting sun. The universe is immeasurably (?) big; it has existed for so many millions of years already and is constantly expanding so, yes, our visit here is fleeting.
A beautiful poem and a beautiful picture to match.
Until the second last verse I thought you were writing about a journey through one's golden days to the end of life. Then I took note of the "requiem of/my emotional well being".
The reader queries whether you erred in some way to spoil that emotional well being as, "by going on this drive", you "seek atonement". You also "run along", as if running away from something.
Your imagery of autumn is lovely.
To me, the most interesting verse is the last one.
"This is the last time I'll ever see it." You seem to be referring to your emotional well being, including the dreams you had. You have travelled from the figurative warmth of a satisfying life to "A colder outlook". As you step into the cold zone, "autumn takes its last breath from" you. That seems as if autumn now dies, as you venture further into an uncomfortable life.
I come back to the question: Is this poem symbolic of a real life and a real death, or of a journey away from a once normal life to one much more difficult to face.
Would you kindly let me know?
I enjoyed reading and pondering over your poem with its layers of possible meanings. The poem is well written.
This story has taken me, more close than I have ever been, through the progression of post World War 1 poverty in Germany, to the spirit of Nazi youth, to the inhumanity of those inspired by Hitler, and to the feelings of one given the power to "throw the switch."
Your graphic description of the inmates already deprived of their humanity is eloquent in its ghastliness.
This story, amongst other accounts of Hitler's machinations and the incredible suffering wrought as a consequence, should be made compulsory reading for every high school child in the world.
(Children and adults alike should also be made aware of other genocides, previous and existing.)
I note that in this tale there is mention of three generations of a family. It's the type of story that could potentially be passed down through future generations, too.
It's interesting that the grandfather related the story to his grandson when he (the grandson) was about ten years old - the same age grandpa was when the event unfolded.
In verse two, we read that "...everyone has to do what they can." In the story, grandpa did what he could to provide the family with a meal.
To me, the saddest, most beautiful and poignant lines in the poem are, "Then Old Blue stopped dead in his tracks and grabbed my sleeve/With a strange, sad look in his eyes, he licked my hand. Old blue had decided to save the boy's life. In fact his "life long friend" did not prove untrue.
A Trois-par-Huit is a highly structured form but your words slip naturally into it.
A person tasked with the role of moulding a child (whether it be a parent or other carer) would do well to follow the actions of the 'someone' who guided you "...along the cement walk."
The "cement walk" could be figurative, a reference to the hard path of life.
What a lucky child you were to have companionship, comfort, support and ..."cheers."
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