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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/somtymes
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27 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Somtymes
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello,

This is your official review for "The Six Feet Under Contest

First of all, I really like this idea for a book - it's very interesting, the idea of ghosts that offer different perspectives. And intertwining that with a tragic romance - some great material! I also really like the names you have chosen.

There are a lot of oddly-worded sentences in this story. I would try reading it aloud, or having someone else read it aloud, so you can hear the places where the wording might be slowing down the flow of the story.

Some typos I caught:

"Oh, my dear", Ms. Pamber... - comma should be in the quotes: "Oh my dear," Ms. Pamber...
...numbingly said "Are you even real?" - add comma - ...numbingly said, "Are you even real?"
The only person's who's world... - should be "whose"
flakes seized to exist - should be "ceased"
"Do think they would care..." - should be "Do you"

I really liked the metaphor of the snowflakes - how each individual one melts as soon as it touches the ground, but multiple snowflakes combine to create a new world, a new meaning to life and death. That was my favorite moment in this story and the most effective element.

Really interesting idea, I hope your book is going well and wish you luck.

-Katie










*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
2
2
Review of Heat Rises  
Review by Somtymes
Rated: ASR | (2.5)
Hi,

This is your official review for "The Six Feet Under Contest

This story for me really exemplifies how death can stop everything even as it is just beginning - death doesn't always wait until you're done living. Sometimes it happens unexpectedly.

You are trying to play with the idea of heat in this story. I'm not sure it's working at the moment. I like the idea of heat rising from a dead body into the sky. But the other temperature elements in the story don't really add anything for me. And I'm not sure there is enough in the story to justify having the title center around this idea. I would maybe work with it and see if you can work in that theme more.

This story begins on a perfect day - when is this perfect day? Is it occurring before or after the death? That is not made very clear, and that is very important for the story. If the perfect day is after the death, it implies that life continues on and you can be happy after. If the perfect day was before the death, that sets it up for a much more grim tone, the devolution of life from good to bad.

I would be interested in hearing more about what happens after the funeral - how is the narrator effected by this? Does she just carry on? Do things work out? Or do they take a turn for the worse?

Overall, I think this story could use a little reworking and expanding upon. You've got some great material to work with, I think this had the potential to grow into something more.

-Katie


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
3
3
Review of I'm so scared!  
Review by Somtymes
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello,

This is your official review for "The Six Feet Under Contest

This story has a very interesting narrator and perspective - from a Vacuum Repair man! Very unique story. It also just goes to show that ordinary jobs sometimes lead to extraordinary experiences. People who are overlooked often see more than anyone else.

I found the tone of the story a bit odd - didn't know whether you were being serious or joking. I think part of the strangeness is the fact that most of the story is written in second person - addressing "you." I feel like this story would be better told from the first person only. You are not addressing the dead lady when telling the story, you are addressing your readers. Maybe if you were writing a letter to the dead person, "you" would make sense... but it's made very clear that she is dead, and yet, you keep speaking to her. Also, the middle portion is inconsistent and reverts to calling her "this woman" instead of "you". The story would be much better solely from the first person.

This story has a nice suspense in the middle, where you don't know whether the lady will die or live. Certainly, I was expecting her to die - but you surprised me by letting her live. But alas, the life was borrowed time.

Overall, great story, unique perspective - just fix the POV!

-Katie







*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
4
4
Review of saying goodbye  
Review by Somtymes
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello,

This is your official review for "The Six Feet Under Contest

First of all, this form is very ambitious, and I congratulate you on successfully navigating it! You've used the pantoum very effectively. I've tried writing one before and failed, so I'm very impressed!

I love the ending sentiment... that even though the loss was harsh, you would do it again because you never love in vain... despite the pain.

The only suggestion I have is maybe finding a more effective title. This one works, but I think you could definitely find a more effective one that speaks more to the poem.

Really great piece!

-Katie


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
5
5
Review of The Box  
Review by Somtymes
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi,

This is your official review for "The Six Feet Under Contest.

I really liked this story. It felt like a movie, with the classic elements of a film. A little bit of mysticism. A magic object. The tragic ending. This story has a bit of a Monkey's Paw element to it, so it reads like a parable, and that's very effective.

I would remove the first section, May 25th. You can have the introduction, but I would just have it on its own with no date - it's a bit odd to have a future date to start and then jump back 5 days. The first section is narrative, so just leave it be - separate it from the rest of the story with ellipses.

I would definitely clean up this story a bit, grammar and punctuation-wise. Add some capitalization, quotation marks, etc. You've got all the makings of a great story, it just needs some polishing!

-Katie



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
6
6
Review of The End  
Review by Somtymes
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello,

This is your official review for "The Six Feet Under Contest.

I really loved this piece! At first, I was wondering how this piece related at all to death, since it seemed to be very much about the living. But then the twist at the end tied it all in and blew me away. Reality literally just falls out of the glove compartment... fantastic!

I do have one suggestion to make, though... this piece needs some serious formatting! Separate the paragraphs, but some space between the blocks of words and dialogue. Right now, this piece is difficult to read because it's all just jammed together. Space is your friend! Use it to organize your story and guide the reader's eyes through to the end.

Otherwise, really great piece! Very unique, very effective. Keep up the good work!

-Katie


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
7
7
Review of Gracious Death  
Review by Somtymes
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello,

This is your official review for "The Six Feet Under Contest

This is the first time I've heard of Grossblank form - nice to learn about new forms of poetry!

This form seems to be working really well for you. I like how you start the poem out with a smell to arouse a memory - smell is the strongest sense for bringing memory to play. The middle stanza is a nice transition from memory to reality. And the final stanza ends with a reflection on the mysteries of life... leaving the reader to ponder why such things occur.

Overall, an extremely effective poem and a really great read!

-Katie


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
8
8
Review of The Wishing Well  
Review by Somtymes
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello,

This is your official review for "The Six Feet Under Contest.

Really great piece, I liked the form. The rhymes are not overdone, the couplets work very well. One area you might want to work on is the meter - making each line flow a little better. There are points in the poem right now that slow you down a bit in the reading. Try reading it aloud and seeing where you stumble and seeing what you can do to fix those places.

I like the point of view - looking back, and then visiting the place again in the present. I really liked the connection you made between the past and the present using the well and a penny. Same place, same action, but with very different feelings attached to each moment. It's a very nice transition.

Overall, great piece, just work on that meter a little bit to iron out the form!

-Katie





9
9
Review of A Shadow of Guilt  
Review by Somtymes
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello,

This is your official review for "The Six Feet Under Contest.

This piece is creepy and weird, with fantastical elements that bring the darkness to life. The character is haunted by his own guilt, literally.

There were a couple of plot points that were not convincing to me or need clarification. First of all, what is the thing following him? It's obviously a manifestation of his guilt, but is it physical or just in his head? Can it actually be killed by just shooting it? I feel like shooting it wouldn't be enough.

Second, how did his wife accidentally get in the way of a car crash? Did she jump in front of the car? Did he not see her? Was she in the car? It seems a bit far-fetched that she would happen to be killed in a crash that was meant to kill him.

Other than those points, really nice piece. I like the tone, the scene, the manifestation of the beast. Great job.

-Katie



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
10
10
Review of Addiction  
Review by Somtymes
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello,

I really enjoyed this piece!

For me, this piece positions addiction as an abusive partner - innocent at first, but then becoming ugly and not allowing you to leave. I really liked this metaphor. I also like that this piece is applicable to any sort of addiction - be it substance, alcohol, another human being, or even something a little less sinister - it all works!

The only thing I didn't like was the ending... "Liar!"

The ending is too short and too sudden. While I agree with the fact that the addiction is a liar, I need more transition to get me to the point where you realize this. Most people who have an addiction are brainwashed and have trouble coming to the conclusion that the addiction is a liar, and that it would be better just to leave. I want to read more about the struggle to come to terms with this fact.

Other than that, great piece!



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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