Dear Ali,
I think this is a pretty good start at a story, but much of it lies ahead. I think you do a very creditable job of describing a Beltaine festival, fertility rites, and the purification of the fires. Well done, but I think you could give people even more hints that lead them to feel the Spring.
I am interested by your invoking of both a fairly modern cultural construct (or at least the naming of it), a commune, and comfortable acceptance of faeries. I think by establishing those very disparate facts of your world we are warned that we can't take things for granted. Your story is like things we know, but there is promise of much we don't, and can't expect. I think that might be what I liked the most.
On the subject of what I liked most, I have to say that though I didn't feel this was a very good stand alone story, I did really like how you introduced the main character, Kieran, with friends urging him to jump the fire, and then how you close with him doing (as he promised) but for the purpose of leaving.
Later on, not very far, I go on about how I don't like Kiernan, at least the character that he presents in this initial piece. I don't really remember being 21and so my idea of the heroic might be a bit scewed by my decrepitude. A warning.
Might I suggest before I mention what I didn't like, that you put more of your wonderful description and scene setting at the front, have Kiernan experience some of it, observe it for us, so that we have more affinity for him if for no other reason then because he is our eyes to your world. Just a thought.
Things I didn't like as much:
I didn't get any sense of what Kiernan felt he had to do. There is certainly a sense of needing to escape the expectations that are forming for a leader's son in the commune, but that hardly seems something to flee. He must have a plan beyond just getting away. (but even if it is only that, to get away, there must be some direction, some steps that will lead him away.) Perhaps that will come with the rest of the story, but when you have some of it I think you should have him lay out a bit of it here so we see him as driven not just feckless.
His use of his girl-friend doesn't seem kind. Perhaps that is his character, but it doesn't lend itself to building a hero. I imagine she will be angry in the morning. He has promised that he will return, but not knowing his mission, (I think he is lying. Why would I think that?) I can't even evaluate if he is likely to want to fulfill that promise, be capable of returning, and err, umm, well it would be nice to have a third thing here but I can't think of what I was going to add. (fumes)
In the second paragraph you present Janelle, who is captivating. I mean you present her that way, not as annoying, not as scheming, not as begging. And the next you have him noticing the other girls dancing. I think, perhaps, that this belongs before he has his attention drawn to his paramour.
I noticed no major grammatical problems. I enjoyed the read and it was only on reflection and to be helpful (honest, I try) that I told you of the things I liked less.
I wish I was writing this well at 21. (That is if I wasn't and have just forgotten it)
Keep writing Ali. Never stop writing.
LSO
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