Hello,
Thanks for letting me read your writing. I must say, your ideas are interesting, with a fascinating twist on how the world began. It has much promise to be a part of a lively fantasy story. You are on the right path. I had a difficult time following the dialogue between the characters. I wasn't sure who the speaker was at times. It would be helpful to add tags (e.g., said Oni) and quotation marks. A good place for brushing up on punctuation can be found at https://owl.purdue.edu/.
Starting Chapter 1 with the word "And" is very confusing. A brief introduction would be amazing, as well as letting the reader get to know your characters. We want to like your main character. You have a lot going on in this chapter... I think your story has a lot of potential, especially if you give the reader additional detail to help explain what is going on.
Try using Grammarly. The free version is worthwhile. It will help with your editing/polishing. (grammarly.com)
Keep developing your story, and make it shine! I can't wait to see what you do with it. I would love to give it more stars once it is edited. Don't give up on it... there is a beautiful story in there!
Thanks for letting me read your short story. I really enjoyed the imagery and character development. It was easy to develop a liking for Abe. He seemed like a doting grandparent. I would have liked to see more character development with Sandy and the wait staff. I know that is difficult with a short piece. Well done on the showing and not telling. I really enjoyed reading your writing. I am curious about Sandy. Why? What was the motive within Sandy that would cut deep enough for her to kill her own family? That part of the story could be better developed. Thanks for keeping me reading to the last word.
Keep writing!
Your use of description and imagery is awesome. I just crawled into our own wintery day, so your prose resonated with me as I gazed out my own window into winter... counting the days to solstice and the return of daylight. I love how you hint at the change of season. Keep writing!! I loved it! This is a great piece to add to future stories or poetry. Thank you for allowing me to read it!
I really like how you mixed the serious with a bit of a light-hearted tongue-in-cheek approach. It's not preachy, but your beautiful poem makes a strong statement. Thank you for sharing it with the world! Keep writing!
Wow! I really enjoyed your poem. I expect that you are reliving that moment yourself. Well done. I enjoyed the progression of your message. My only suggestion is that perhaps it could be a bit tighter, but cutting a bit of the wordiness. Other than that, keep writing! Thanks for sharing a bit of yourself with the world.
I really enjoyed reading your prose. Your visual storytelling shines... in a "silent" way. I particularly liked how I could interpret silence both literally and metaphorically. I am not sure if you were looking at the rhythm of your prose, but with a bit of work, you could make this poem lyrical. My only suggestion is that the phrase, "sound of silence" is quite common. I am wondering if you could dig a bit deeper and spice it up to be uniquely yours.
Again, well done, and I can't wait to see more of your writing.
I enjoyed reading your poem. It resonated with me because I recognize so many places that would be a spot on description. Your structure just about perfect. I could see this adapted and made into a rap. I Think you nailed this one. Keep writing... I look forward to more of your art.
Wow! your prose is amazing. It captured my mind and resonated in my heart. As I was reading, I thought that this poem would make an outstanding rap! I absolutely loved it!!! Keep Writing!
I enjoyed reading your memoir introduction. You caught my attention right away because of your viewpoint on social anxiety. I am looking forward to reading more down the road. My only suggestion is that you run your writing through a grammar program such as Grammarly. It will help with your minor punctuation errors. If you break up your writing into smaller paragraphs, it will be easier for your readers. Nicely done!
You have a great start here. The story unfolds with a bit of rewound drama. It hooked me right away, but then it took me in a completely new direction. Very clever! I originally thought that the story was about a human interaction with a bit of fantasy tossed into the mix. With a bit more reading, I discovered it was a special relationship between a human and a dog. I liked this twist!
While the story is eye-catching, with a bit of editing, it will shine. I suggest making it a bit tighter. Cut anything not essential for moving the story forward. The paragraphing is a bit confusing. That can also be easily remedied with your editing.
I liked this piece of writing. Keep polishing it and you will have a lovely story!
Hi Jace,
I sincerely enjoyed reading your short story. The vivid writing put me into the story and it kept me engaged until the final sentence. I enjoyed visualizing your British character with his over-sized backpack toppling off of his bicycle.
Mechanics: Grammar/conventions of print are well done. I did find one minor spelling error. "alright" is actually spelled "all right." Your clean writing made it easy for me to enjoy the content of your story.
Style and voice are well done. Your story flows nicely and the transitions are seamless. The bit of British dialogue was just enough for me to enjoy the individual character giving Cedric a more authentic, three-dimensional personality.
Thank you for letting me read your hard work. Well done.
Hello Janetd,
I absolutely loved this poem. I hope you publish it and share it with the world. You left me in tears, nodding in agreement. It saddens me that we have not moved forward as a nation. We have slowly spread the sadness from violence rather than healing and solving problems.
The tears are so vivid!
My only suggestion to you would be to separate your prose into stanzas so that it will be easier for readers in a visual sense.
Mechanical
I found no grammatical errors in your prose. This was well edited and worked through, and it surely helped me to focus on content rather than being bogged down on conventions.
Thank you for sharing your work.
Hello Anthony,
This poem works. Why? I have an immediate feel for the mood and imagery of your poem.
Were you feeling remorse or sadness when you wrote this? I fell it in a visceral way. I love what you accomplished in such a few words.
Is the capitalization a deliberate style? If not, you may want to swap to lower case so as not to appear to be shouting. I noticed that there are no punctuation marks. Is this deliberate? A few well-placed punctuation marks could add additional pop to your words.
I love the poem. You have a way of using language that is amazing. Thanks for sharing your work.
Hello Joba,
I quite enjoyed reading your story. You created a wonderful scene for your romantic drama to unfold. I can feel your passion for your characters through your descriptions and their feelings. Your strength is in narrative description. You also have a wonderful way of showing us your story world.
Mechanics
You are struggling with grammar, punctuation, and style. You are very lucky, because the more you write, the more you will naturally improve this essential part of written communication. One task you could do that will solve most of your spelling and typographical errors is to use a spell check. Microsoft Word, Pages and most word processing software has this feature. Spell check systems can also be found online.
One program that I use is called Grammarly. Grammarly will also help you with punctuation and verb tenses. While no program is perfect, the one that you choose will solve about 75 percent of your editing challenges.
If you search for grammar, you will find tons of free tutorials online that will help you such as Grammar Girl. I use Purdue URL: https://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/section/1/5/ whenever I need help sorting out grammar issues.
Structure
You have a strong beginning, middle, and conclusion for your story. To make it stronger, consider adding some dialogue between your characters. I would love to read your characters having conversations with each other. I am sure you have heard that old saying, "show, don't tell." Well, you have perfected the telling. That is good because it moves your story. If you were to show some action, you will capture the heart of your readers.
For example, your sentence, " Phillinte sprang immediately to his feet and rushed out of the apartment, down the winding the staircase to the empty street below," uses action. Phillinte sprang to his feet and rushed out of the apartment. This is pure action and readers will want to read more. This is beautiful. If you can put this action into the rest of your story, it will be so much stronger.
The formatting in this program is challenging. If you break up your paragraphs, your story will be easier to read. Hopefully, this review will show some space between paragraphs. These spaces will help readers follow your story structure better.
Overall, you have a wonderful story. With some editing, readers will love it. Keep writing. Please work on it some more. I would love to see what develops. Nice work.
I like your poetry concept. You laid it out in an instructive model that is easy to follow. Teaching this format will be fun for students on National Pi day which is March 14. For something creative it could also be used on National Pie Day on January 23.
Using math concepts and vocabulary to set up poetry is very clever and I expect this model could be quite popular with poets and future poets as well.
My only recommendation would be to have one or two examples of poems using this format. I am not quite certain your title matches your lesson on writing poetry. If you followed through with a poem using this format and the title, you will have a powerful article.
Nicely done!
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