|Hey There, and Thanks for using the forum!
I will be reviewing
It's fantatsy! I love fantasy, and I thought you did a nice job with this. The opening paragraph was great, and it not only set the scene, but made the reader want more.
You combine action with adventure in a great way, and it serves well to keep the reader entertained. There were really only a few places where I got tripped up, but that goes later
1. "I'll miss you, too, mom." Gabriel hugged his mom
-Should be a comma after "mom" not a period
2. "I'm sure I will."
-Again, no period here
That's really all I saw though.
Here's a few general suggestions I have for points in the work that aren't as good as they could be. Remember, its only my opinion and you get to make the final decisions!
1. "The fog over the river was beginning to dissipate as the sun's rays began to reach over the distant peak of Mt. Star."
-You use "over" repeatedly in this sentence. It's the first one, so that needs to be changed. Try something like
"The fog that hugged the river's surface was beginning to dissipate, as the sun's rays began to reach over (even that could be changed to something like "breach") the distant peak of Mt. Star."
2. "Yeah, Roy, right down here."
-I don't think you need "right" in this instance. It really doesn't add anything, and the reader would get the same message with a little easier pacing if it was left out.
3. "Nice workout, Gabe. I'll see you later at the ferry."
-Isn't Roy mad? Why would he say something like that then? You could simply take out "nice workout, gabe" and then it would align the dialogue with Roy's emotions.
4. " The messenger lowered his hood and revealed his hair, which was totally white."
-I don't think you need "totally" here, and the sentence could be rearranged to sound better. Somthing like
"The messanger lowered his hood to reaveal long, pure white hair that (insert description of face here ex: "matched his angled facial features and fair skin, making his deep blue eyes stand out like sapphires.)
5. In the second time we are with Gabe, he is boarding ship, but you never talk about it until he is actually on the ship. Intoduce the setting more, like first time, only incorporate it into the work! I would love to have more detail here about the setting. Just don't say it all at once!
Perhaps, "ok mom, I will" said Gabriel, brushing his hair from his eyes as the salty sea wind pushed it right back.
You know, its not great, but something like that with little details along the way to describe the setting at the docks. Are they docks?
6. "For much of the trip the sea was calm and allowed for a smooth trip."
-"trip" is repetitive here. Maybe say "ride" or "journey" for one or both of them?
7. "The ship seemed to have been working fine, so no one knew why it had stopped in the middle of the river."
-Too blantant. It just sounds forced. Allow things to happen slowly, and then SHOW them to the reader. If you really want it to happen this fast, try something like
"Gabriel leaned over the railing, allowing himself to feel motionless for a split second. Then a grinding sound resounded through the ship, and it lurched to a stop, right in the middle of the river. The ship had been working fine though!"
Or something like that
8. "He threw a punch and it did about ten times the damage any normal blow would do."
-Threw a punch "that" did about ten times more damage....
Whew, that was an action packed intro! You did a great job developing characters and moving the story through them. You are a good writer, and with some edits this could be very good.
Thanks for sharing, Keep it up!