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26
26
Review by Complexo
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hey There!

I think this is a great idea for you, especially seeing as you have so many readers. An autobiography is something that you don't come across very often here, and so it is therefor welcomed with open arms as a change *Smile*

There was one typo that I found:

You said... "Should I mentioned the insistent voices inside my head..."

I believe it should be "mention" instead of "mentioned"


Thats pretty much it though. It says in the end that you would love to know more about the other readers out here...well maybe I should write something similar to this. It would be fun, and would get things moving along in my head. You don't mind if I use your general format do you?



I sincerely thank you for sharing so much with us here at Writing.com, and good luck with your unfinished books!


Southsidehcky
27
27
Review of The Pact  
Review by Complexo
Rated: 18+ | (2.0)
Interesting...

It doesn't really come off to the reader very well; what I'm saying is that while it is short, it never really effectively pulls in the reader. It's also rather choppy, and disorderly. I don't really know how you would fix this. It's a unique problem. You can try and make an outline of what you are trying to accomplish, and then take an outside point of view of the piece and then try and fix it...but honestly I just dont know how.

One thing that I do know how to fix, however, is that you seem to pose too many questions; maybe you should try and answer them in the writing, instead of asking them. You ask so many, that you can still leave a lasting affect on the reader by asking questions, but you can also answer the others that you have posed.


Southsidehcky
28
28
Review of Paranoia  
Review by Complexo
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hey There!

This is very well written, and it leaves the reader thinking; something not easily captured. Your flow and coherence are all very good, and this poses some interesting questions. Its clear you spent some time on this, and it was time well spent; good job!

I really can't find anything to suggest for improvement in this, which doesnt happen often.

Write On!

Southsidehcky
29
29
Review by Complexo
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hey There!

This is interesting, and very original. I love the way you craft the story of a child losing his ability to speak; its a terrible event, but your natural ability to write shines through and I must say I couldn't stop reading. Good job!

I do have a couple of suggestions though, but remember that they are only my opinions and you are entitled to the ability to decide what makes the cut, and what gets thrown out.

1. In the beginning of the story, you start in first person pov, which is fine. then at the end of the section, you said I wasn't always a mute, being past tense. Simple change, you could say "I haven't always been a mute" or something. Just to be consistent with before *Smile*

2. I think, right at the end, that you don't really need to say "thats how i became a mute." The sentences before do a good job wrapping up the chapter without that, and it seems a little off, interrupting the flow.

Overall great job, and keep writing!

Southsidehcky
30
30
Review by Complexo
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hey There!

I see you are pretty new to WDC, and I would love to say hello!

This is interesting to say the least. Definetely a good idea! Must have been some dream you had.

All things can be improved though, here are a few suggestions of mine. Just remember that these are only my opinion, and what ultimately changes is your decision *Smile*


1. You said..."Beyond it’s striking beauty lies a tale deranged and dark."[/c}

This is a good transition into the darkness of the town, but I think it could say..

Beyond it’s striking beauty lies a tale, both deranged and dark.

Just one word, but it helps the overall flow and coherence of the poem.


2. You said..."Nothing too expensive, and it wasn’t money wasted."

Maybe instead of a contraction, you could say "was never"

3. In the middle of the poem, one stanza breaks apart from the established structure with six lines in the stanza instead of four. This isn't too big of a deal, but I think it would be better if you kept it down to four; either by deleting the last two lines (which if you read it through, they wouldn't be sorely missed), or you could somehow add to those last two lines and make another stanza. The choice is yours.


Again, this is a good poem, don't get me wrong. But like all things, it can use a little bit of polishing off *Smile* Nothing too big though.


Good Job! If you ever need anything, don't hesitate to send me an email. I know how hard it can be to get started at WDC! I must recommend getting to know some people though, go over to some of the "newbie" forums, they help alot and introduce you to some great people.


Great Job, and Write On!

Southsidehcky




PS..while I am here I may as well say that I have an item of my own posted about a dream and personal experience I had, take a look at it if you are bored or need something to look at *Bigsmile*

 The Mountains of Switzerland  (E)
Short, but I like it. It is a dream of mine and this is retold after a personal experience
#1208457 by Complexo


31
31
Review by Complexo
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hey There, and welcome to WDC!

Looks like I'll be the first to take a look at this piece, a welcome challenge *Smile*



First of all, I would like to that this is a very interesting idea; one that you could take a long ways. But, as with all new ideas, this first draft needs some work. There are a lot of misspellings and some grammar problems; but thats what I'm here for!


Here are a couple of suggestions, remember these are only my opinion and you decide what ultimately makes the cut into your story.


1. The first thing that stands out at me is this: If you are going to take this farther, the characters need names! It would make the piece much more engaging from the get go. Also, don't hesitate to stop for a second and describe the man's surroundings. It will give us, the readers, a welcome opportunity to know where the character is.


2. You said... He woke up suddenly, early in the morning, looked around and everything seemed nornmal, yet something was differant. Something didn't seem right. He couldn't put his finger on what it was.

This is a good opening, but could be rewritten with some spelling fixes to look like...

He awoke suddenly, and turned quickly about. Everything appeared normal, yet his instincts told him otherwise. Early morning rays of sunlight pierced through a dirty pane of glass behind him, giving the unkept room an eerie feeling. Something had changed...but the man could not seem to put his finger on what it was.

See what I mean? This grips the reader, and also tells a little about that man's surroundings; surroundings that can also help to set that mysterious mood you are after.


3. You said... "He apporched the door, and the tension grew so thick he could cut it with a knife."

Approached is misspelled, but I love this image you put in the readers mind. Just maybe add that it seemed as though he could cut it with a knife, because is not actually there *Smile*

4. You said... "Sudenly the old grandfather clock from downstairs chimed. They both jumped a second at the first chime. He could feel the eyes looking through him,, Questioning him. Asking him"

This is a good idea, but "chime" is a little repetitive using it two sentences in a row. Why not switch it up?

Also there should be one comma, questioning should not be capitalized. There are things like this all throughout the story, and if you go through carefully it shouldn't take you more than a few minutes to fix them all. *Bigsmile*


As long as this is, don't be discouraged. This is an incredibly original idea for a story, and you should run with it! There is no real limit for what this could hold...What is chasing the programmer? Why? How is he going to fix it? Is it going to, I don't know, draw him into another dimension and force him to fight his way out? There aren't any limits to your imagination. This is a good opening, just needs a little polishing off.

If you have any questions, or need help at all throughout the site, don't hesitate to send me an email. I know how hard it is to get started; heck I'm still pretty new! *Smile*

Good Luck, and Write On!

Southsidehcky
32
32
Review of Our Soldiers  
Review by Complexo
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hey There!

I don't in any way pretend to be a great poet, or even a good one at that. This poem though, well it strikes true with every American. Soldiers give their lives for our freedom every day, and I think you have only begun to capture their achievements here. Great Poem!

There are a few suggestions I do have though,

1. "Leaving your love ones"

Could be... Leaving your loved ones

2. When you say "People do care, Somebody thinks of you" it seems out of place, and sort of interrupts the flow for the reader as it just stops. You could add a stanza here I think, or edit what you have to enhance the effect of people always caring.

It could be something similar, but along the lines of

You are missed by us all
For we do care
And think of you all the while

Now you see why I am no poet, but this does seem to deliver an enhanced version of your message; though its not perfect.



This is great! Remember these are just my suggestions, and have no impact on what you ultimately decides to go into the poem. This poem rings true in us all, and you did a great job on it *Smile*


Southsidehcky
33
33
Review by Complexo
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hey There!

You've probably heard this many times by now, but this is pretty good! Just the prologue does the job of Chapter 1; introducing characters establishing a setting and loose plot--very nice work. The great use of dialogue particulary in this section helps to keep the reader moving along.

A few suggestions, if i may...but remember these are my opinion and you get to make the final decision!


1. "...Dare I hope before dark?”

This is a little odd, and it doesnt seem to fit a character from Phoenix; more like someone from London.

Maybe...

"...I certainly hope before dark!"

Not great, but it gets the job done. You could also branch off here and tell of something that happens at dark and involve another element of the story, etc.

2. “Good, wait, I’ve got a lunch packed for you..."

This also sounds a bit out of context, like she is all of a sudden rushing. Maybe try..

"Good! But wait just a second, I packed a little something for you to eat later."

Or something to that effect.



Well that's all I got! Great Job, and good luck with your novel!

Southsidehcky
34
34
Review by Complexo
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hey there!

This is a great introduction to a story! You have an interesting way of writing from this point of view, thats for sure, and it does a pretty good job of showing the events surrounding Keira, and the turmoil that she endures. There are always a few things you can fix though!

1. This isn't a criticism in anyway, but the way you say things is just foreign to me, and i think many other people. For example, she drops instead of she dropped, etc. Its not bad, but it takes some getting used to by the reader. And you don't want the reader to have to work to get through your story.

2. Some places could be rearranged...i dont want to point them all out, but say one would be:


You said:

"I bring my fists to my lap and clench them, the pain in my body forgotten, leaving the pain that had been driven with stakes into my heart. Pain and self-loathing."

hmmm this just sounds...wrong. you could say something along the lines of...

"I clench my fists at this and let them rest in my lap, forgetting the pain in my body. But the pain residing in my heart is left untouched...pain that seems to be driven in with stakes, never to let go. Self-loathing fills me at this thought."

You know, something like that. Its all a matter of how you say something, the order in which place things happen. It can seem a lot more realistic when you reconsider the order and diction in which things occur. Its not bad, just something to consider when you are editing your story; think of how the reader would react, or what they would think of any given situation.


Here's a small one, easily fixed:

"The sound of rushing water drifts lazily to my ears."

If its rushing it wouldn't be lazy, it would be quick, or sudden *Smile*



Honestly though, you have a GREAT storyline developing here, and you lay out a lot of building blocks for later conflict, events, etc. I simply laid out a few things which stood out to me. They are completely my opinion, and you don't have to use anything.

Write On!

Southsidehcky
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