I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest" . Thanks for entering!
Great opening lines! It immediately brought me into the story and made me want to know what was happening!
Wow, this is a really powerful story. Great imagery, description, and emotion. It was really powerful throughout the entire story, started and ended strong. Great work!
These are just my thoughts. Feel free to use or disregard these as you see fit.
"Maybe it isn't hell."
I think "hell," as in the place/location, would be capitalized
Now I could make out a shape, a hint of grey that gave an outline, something was moving on the other side of me from David.
To me, this read like a run-on sentence. Perhaps a semi-colon between "outline" and "something" or a period with "Something" starting a new sentence?
"Captain, good to hear you with us, sir, what do you think is going on?"
Another run-on sentence. Should be a period after "sir" and "What" to start a new sentence
4.0 - Great story! For me, some of the writing could have been cleared up, some minor errors, but overall, I enjoyed this. Thanks for sharing!