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1,174 Public Reviews Given
1,606 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I attempt a well-rounded review where I look at the item from a writer's and reader's perspective. I'll tell you what I liked and what I think could be strengthened. I like to think I'm a courteous and helpful reviewer.
I'm good at...
attention to detail. If there's a typo, I'll find it!
Favorite Genres
Sci-Fi, Horror, Mystery, Thriller, Drama, Satire, and more
Least Favorite Genres
Romance, Religion, Sports
Favorite Item Types
Short Stories, Poetry, Essays
Least Favorite Item Types
Novels (I just don't have that much time)
I will not review...
There is very little I won't review. Try me! *Smile*
Public Reviews
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76
76
Review by spidey
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi there LoloKrazii

Welcome to Writing.Com! If you have any questions, feel free to ask! *Smile*

This is my review for "The Drumming Sound


Overall Thoughts:

I love the theme of this poem! I really think most people have felt this exact thing, and you describe it so well! I could almost feel what was happening in the poem. Nicely done!

I like how you use senses, sound in particular, to really help the reader feel what you're describing. Good job!


Suggestions
These are just suggestions. Feel free to use them or not.
(In reference to any grammar/spelling suggestions these are suggestions made with my understanding of grammar/spelling rules. If I'm mistaken or missing a regional difference in usage, I apologize in advance.)

It's louder than sirens,louder than bels,Sweeter than heaven.
bels *Right* bells
(I also think the line after the comma was meant to be on the next line)

Hotter than hell.
hell *Right* Hell
(I believe Hell needs to be capitalized when it's referred to as a place.)

It starts when your around,
your *Right* you're
(contraction of "you are")

It's such almighty sound.
Sounded a bit awkward to me, perhaps It's such an almighty sound.

I think it's your heart beat
heart beat *Right* heartbeat


*Bullet* You could even use other senses here, too, to further enhance the imagery you've presented. Just a thought. It's up to you, of course. *Smile*


*Star*My Rating*Star*


3.0 - A very nice poem that I think most readers can relate to. I certainly did. *Smile*

Keep on writing!

Sincerely,
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77
77
Review of Transformation  
Review by spidey
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi there Bastet

Welcome to Writing.Com! If you have any questions, feel free to ask! *Smile*

This is my review for "Transformation


Overall Thoughts:

*Bullet* What a beautiful poem! I'll admit, I have a big fear of bees, but this poem helped me see their beauty and importance in our world. *Smile*

*Bullet* I love the alliteration you've used in this poem! These particular lines were a pleasure to read:

A heavy hair curtain hung over a hive

Only the wind’s word and the secret buzzing



I also like the form you've used here. Personally I think a rhyme scheme can take away from the natural rhythm and message of a poem. I like the more free-form verse here. Also, great use of punctuation!


Suggestions
These are just suggestions. Feel free to use them or not.
(In reference to any grammar/spelling suggestions these are suggestions made with my understanding of grammar/spelling rules. If I'm mistaken or missing a regional difference in usage, I apologize in advance.)


*Bullet* My only suggestion would be to choose a genre other than "Other" for this. Perhaps "Poetry" would fit better. *Smile*


*Star*My Rating*Star*

4.5 - Great poem! I enjoyed this very much. *Smile*

Keep on writing!


Sincerely,
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"Noticing Newbies [13+]
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78
78
Review of Trick or Tweet  
Review by spidey
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Tom Buck !

Overall Thoughts:

Wow, this is an incredible and terrifying tale! I don't normally read such long stories (maybe that's my dependence on tweets and statuses!), but I read this in one sitting. It's so gripping! I just couldn't look away from my screen!

I think you've captured our world perfectly here, our growing dependence on technology and the way we embrace every new advance. I found this story to be very realistic, almost too realistic, as it ends up being really scary to think this could actually happen.

Great tone and point-of-view choices! I couldn't help comparing this to "disaster" type movies that are released, where the focus tends to shift toward government or military control. I love that you keep this in the perspective of an average person caught up in what's going on. It also makes the story even scarier, because the reader identifies with the narrator/main character.

The amount of detail you give is perfect. The story gives just enough detail to keep it realistic without getting too technical and risking losing your audience.



Title/Rating/Genres:

I'm not a huge fan of the title, which is my only qualm with the entire piece. It's just that "Trick or Tweet" obviously makes me think of "Trick or Treat," which makes me think of Halloween. This story doesn't have anything to do with Halloween that I could see, and for some reason, that made the title seem out of place in my mind. Just one reader's thoughts. *Smile*

Your ratings and genres are appropriate for the piece. *Smile*



Suggestions
These are just suggestions. Feel free to use them or not. *Smile*


*Bullet* I try my hardest to come up with suggestions for everything I read, as I think it's very rare to find absolute perfection in a written work, but I honestly can't find anything else to comment on or to suggest to make this a stronger work. This is an excellent story! I recommend trying to get this published, and it would also make a great film!


*Star*My Rating*Star*

5.0 - Brilliant! I absolutely loved reading this. Thank you for sharing it! *Smile*


Sincerely,
spidey
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79
79
Review by spidey
In affiliation with Poetry Zombie Horde  
Rated: 18+ | (1.0)
** Image ID #1805805 Unavailable **


Hello Ducttape Knight !

Reading this made me want to start dancing! I was afraid my limbs would start dropping, though... *Laugh*

This part was delicious:
I love Rocky Horror, so I was excited when I saw the title, and the poem didn't disappoint!

My favorite lines were the last two:

It’s just a jump to the left
Then a limb falls to the right




I'd *Ax* this part:
I wouldn't change a thing! It's perfectly dreadful as it is! *Pthb*


Overall:
I can totally picture zombies doing the Time Warp! *Laugh*


~ spidey
80
80
Review of a zombie hangover  
Review by spidey
In affiliation with Poetry Zombie Horde  
Rated: 18+ | (1.0)
** Image ID #1805805 Unavailable **


Hello Rhyssa !

Awesome!! I love it! It's so terrible!

This part was delicious:
I love how the poem tells a story and the rhyme scheme fits perfectly. I always admire a poet who can rhyme well, as it's a big struggle for me.

and knew—only a nutter
would catch the eye of one who’d rose
from eating from the gutter


*Laugh*!


I'd *Ax* this part:
I wouldn't change a thing! *Pthb*


Overall:
Great, descriptive poem that is absolutely horrible. *Pthb*



~ spidey
81
81
Review of at the drive-in  
Review by spidey
In affiliation with Poetry Zombie Horde  
Rated: 13+ | (1.0)
** Image ID #1805805 Unavailable **


Hello Rhyssa !

Supremely disgusting poem! *Sick*


This part was delicious:
My favorite lines:

to eat the heroes—eyeballs and all

that precious brain containers watch

This poem definitely makes me rethink going to a drive-in! *Shock*


I'd *Ax* this part:
I wouldn't change a thing! It's horrible just like it is!


Overall:
Great, terrible poem! Loved it! *Smile*


~ spidey
82
82
Review by spidey
In affiliation with Poetry Zombie Horde  
Rated: 13+ | (1.0)
** Image ID #1805805 Unavailable **


Hello Buckley !

Wow, how terrible! *Laugh*

This part was delicious:
I thought this was really funny, and I liked the conversational tone of the poem.

Great rhyme scheme!

My favorite line: Look at those meaty cheeks *Laugh*


I'd *Ax* this part:
I wouldn't change a thing! It's perfectly awful as it is!

Overall:
Blech! Terrible poem! *Bigsmile*


~ spidey
83
83
Review by spidey
In affiliation with Poetry Zombie Horde  
Rated: 13+ | (1.0)
** Image ID #1805805 Unavailable **


Hello CobwebbyReadingReindeerUkraine !

Ugh, how terrible! *Bigsmile*

This part was delicious:
I love the use of movie titles!

I loved this line: Now I, Zombie, walk too!
(Did you know that "I, Zombie" is the title of a zombie flick, too?)

I loved the orange font, too!


I'd *Ax* this part:
Nothing! This is perfectly dreadful as it is!


Overall:
Terrible, awful, icky poem! *Sick* *Bigsmile*



~ spidey
84
84
Review by spidey
In affiliation with Poetry Zombie Horde  
Rated: 18+ | (1.0)
** Image ID #1805805 Unavailable **


Hello Maryann !

Wow, this is bad. Like, really, really bad. *Sick* *Laugh*

This part was delicious:
Love the limerick form! It fits perfectly!

I'm going to think twice about going to a 3-D movie now... It's true that it's entrancing, and you never know who might use that to their (undead) advantage! *Shock*


I'd *Ax* this part:
I wouldn't change a thing! The last line of the poem is a little choppy, but I think that's intentional. *Wink*

Overall:
Great, er terrible, job! *Bigsmile*


~ spidey
85
85
Review by spidey
In affiliation with Poetry Zombie Horde  
Rated: 18+ | (1.0)
** Image ID #1805805 Unavailable **


Hello Ducttape Knight !

Such a vivid poem! I loved the subtle beauty you've brought to the zombies! *Smile*


This part was delicious:
This was my favorite line: Moonlight greets undeath

I'd *Ax* this part:
I wouldn't change a thing! This is perfectly horrid as it is! *Pthb*


Overall:
Great, or terrible, poem! *Laugh* Totally deserves one star!


~ spidey
86
86
Review by spidey
In affiliation with Poetry Zombie Horde  
Rated: 18+ | (1.0)
** Image ID #1805805 Unavailable **


Hello Maryann !

This line says it all: You have to love it

This poem is gruesomely terrible, and I loved it! *Bigsmile*

This part was delicious:
I liked the play on colors, red and green. And Sloppy when they eat *Laugh*


I'd *Ax* this part:
I wouldn't change a thing! It's perfectly dreadful as it is!


Overall:
Loved it! Totally deserves one star! *Bigsmile*


~ spidey
87
87
Review of Natural Zombies  
Review by spidey
In affiliation with Poetry Zombie Horde  
Rated: 18+ | (1.0)
** Image ID #1805805 Unavailable **


Hello Angelica- Valentine Dragon !

Stopping by with a review for your decrepit zombie haiku!

This part was delicious:
I love the "limb" in the first line, as it could refer to a human limb munched on by a hungry zombie or the limb of a tree! Nice correlation there!

Loved the last stanza, too!


I'd *Ax* this part:
I wouldn't change a thing, except maybe change the genre "Other" to perhaps "Horror" or "Dark" or "Contest Entry." The poem is perfectly awful, though! *Wink*


Overall:
Great, I mean terrible, poem! *Bigsmile*


~ spidey
88
88
Review by spidey
In affiliation with Strength in Numbers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi there Kid Miracleman

Welcome to Writing.Com! If you have any questions, feel free to ask! *Smile*

This is my review for "Avoiding Responsibility


Overall Thoughts:

I loved this! You grab the reader from the start. The very first sentence pulled me in and made me want to continue through to the end.

Excellent writing! There is a definite tone to this story. I think the choice of first-person point-of-view was a good one. It definitely helped the tone for me as a reader. It also helps emphasize the division between the two characters.

Great descriptions, excellent vocabulary. Grammatically, everything I read was spot-on, which made for a great read!

I really enjoyed the humor in this, too! It's consistent throughout the story, and the end made me laugh. *Laugh*


Suggestions
These are just suggestions. Feel free to use them or not.


*Bullet* I'm not totally sold on the title of the story. This is just one opinion, but "Avoiding Responsibility" makes it sound like the narrator/main character knows exactly what's going on, but is avoiding the issue, whereas the story itself shows him being totally ignorant of the situation. Perhaps this was your intention, though. If so, then by all means, keep the title the same. *Smile*


I see that this is a contest entry (by your genre choices). Perhaps you could include a link to the contest?


*Star*My Rating*Star*

5.0 - Excellent! Thanks for the great read!

Keep on writing! *Smile*

Sincerely,
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"Noticing Newbies [13+]
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89
89
Review of Preface  
Review by spidey
In affiliation with Strength in Numbers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi there Andrea J. Harvey

Welcome to Writing.Com! If you have any questions, feel free to ask! *Smile*

This is my review for "Preface


Overall Thoughts:

Intriguing! I definitely want to know more about this story!

You do well to bring the reader immediately into the story, and I like that this starts hours after the actual story. It really makes me want to know what happened!

Great last sentence!! It's a great contrast. You start with beautiful, positive imagery of nature and then end with the negative statement, "I wish I could forget." This creates a nice conflict which entices the reader. Nicely done!



Suggestions
These are just suggestions. Feel free to use them or not.

*Bullet* My only suggestion would be to add more! I want to know what happens next (and what happened before)!


*Star*My Rating*Star*

4.0 - I'm giving this a 4 out of 5, only because it feels incomplete. Your writing is descriptive and grabs the attention of the reader. I'd love to read more! *Smile*

Keep writing! *Smile*


Sincerely,
review sig by Ye Olde Curiosity & Magick Shoppe
"Noticing Newbies [13+]
"Reviewing @ Writing.Com [E]
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90
90
Review by spidey
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi Kenzie !

This is my review for "Yellow and Blue Makes Green [ASR].


Overall Thoughts:


*Bullet* So beautiful! I love how this is presented, with the colors and images. It helps emphasize your point quite well! Great job!

*Bullet* I particularly liked the last paragraph. I think it makes a great deal of sense, and it also expresses the very point it presents - a melding of ideas to create a new, unbreakable one. You took the offerings of a friend and combined them with your own, to create your finished idea!


Grammar/Spelling
(These are suggestions with regard to my understanding of grammar/spelling rules. If I'm mistaken or missing a regional difference in usage, I apologize in advance.)


I noticed no errors. Great job!


Suggestions
These are just suggestions. Feel free to use them or not. *Smile*


*Bullet* My only suggestion would be to offer examples of how the colors swirl together, how some situations would require the strength of one over the other, and how they compliment one another. I think using real-life examples might help illustrate the idea even further. Just a thought. *Smile*


*Star*My Rating*Star*


4.5 - An excellent piece! Keep up the great work! *Smile*


Sincerely,
spidey
91
91
Review of Masks  
Review by spidey
In affiliation with Strength in Numbers  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hi miblu (away) !

This is my review for "Masks [ASR].

Strengths

*Bullet* Great imagery here! I especially liked the opposition in the last line, "Pushing at Fate's Pull." It created a really good image in my mind, and helped drive the theme home. Good work!

*Bullet* I also like your use of capitalization to emphasize key words and ideas here, particularly "Masks." Good choice!

*Bullet* Great use of repetition, too! For me, it helped unify the poem and move it forward. Your use of repetition works really well here for me.



Grammar/Spelling
(These are suggestions with regard to my understanding of grammar/spelling rules. If I'm mistaken or missing a regional difference in usage, I apologize in advance.)

I found no errors! Great job!


Title/Rating/Genres

The title definitely caught my eye. Simple and direct. Nice!

Your ratings are chosen well, though I think you could use a few other genres if you wished to do so. Perhaps, "Personal," or "Relationship," or even "Philosophy." That's up to you, of course. *Smile*


Suggestions
These are just suggestions. Feel free to use them or not. *Smile*

*Bullet* My only suggestion would be to add more! To me, it feels like you just touch upon the true issue here. You present it to the reader well, but I'd love to see more depth, more of a look into these themes. I suppose I liked this so much, I just wanted more! *Bigsmile*


*Star*My Rating*Star*

4.0 - Great work! I hope you add more. I'd love to see your other work, too. Keep up the great writing! *Bigsmile*


Sincerely,
spidey
"Invalid Item

won in an auction
92
92
Review by spidey
In affiliation with Strength in Numbers  
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
Hi Exusia !

This is my review for "How to Survive a zombie attack [13+]. I found this item on "Please Review. I'm a big fan of zombies, so I just had to check this one out. *Smile*


Overall Thoughts:


*Bullet* Very funny stuff here! I'm guessing you've culmiated this knowledge through watching a lot of zombie films or playing zombie games. I like that this has a comical tone to it, especially the list of the order of deaths.

*Bullet* You include a great deal of zombie common knowledge here that I think will entertain those already acquainted with zombie mythology (like me), as well as educate those who might not be aware. Well done!


Grammar/Spelling
(These are suggestions with regard to my understanding of grammar/spelling rules. If I'm mistaken or missing a regional difference in usage, I apologize in advance.)

How to Survive a zombie attack
Capitalize *Right* How to Survive a Zombie Attack

If your reading this then chances are that their has been a outbreak of the undead, or that your just simply bored.
Both "your"s here should be *Right* you're
(you're = contraction of you are)

a step by step guide
step by step *Right* step-by-step

Now in most instances theirs a order
theirs *Right* there's (contraction of "there is")

(however if he survives about half the group, then the rule is disbanded and he is subject to other deaths.
"however" should be capitalized, and you're missing a closing parenthesis

Then Comes the stupid guy the checks out the weird moaning
"Comes" shouldn't be capitalized, and I think "the" should be "that."


The quite one will probably not die, because their probably craaaaaaaaazy.
quite *Right* quiet
their *Right* they're

There were a lot more errors throughout this story (too many for me to list here). I'd suggest taking another close look at your item. I find that if I print it out, I can find errors and typos much easier than reading on a computer screen. Also, you could try finding a review forum which specializes in line-by-line reviews and edits.

Suggestions
These are just suggestions. Feel free to use them or not. *Smile*


*Bullet* In addition to the grammatical typos & errors, I think this item could use a little more formatting or some more formal structure. Perhaps you could include titled or underlined subsection titles. You have several areas of information, and I think they could be categorized for your reader's ease.


*Star*My Rating*Star*


2.0 - I think this item has great potential. It's an entertaining and interesting premise, and I love the comical tone. You obviously know a lot about zombies and how to survive an attack. For me, the item could use some clearing up regarding grammar and structure.

I enjoyed this. Thanks for sharing it!

Keep on writing! *Smile*


Sincerely,
spidey

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Invalid Item.

93
93
Review of Crazy Room  
Review by spidey
In affiliation with Strength in Numbers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Manixander !

This is my review for "Crazy Room [E]. I found this item on "Please Review


Overall Thoughts:


*Bullet* From your intro, I'm assuming this really happened to you. Your emotional and descriptive writing here makes me feel that this is based on truth, too. I'm sorry you went through this, but sharing your feelings on it might help you deal. It can also connect you to your readers who might have gone through something similar. In any case, your emotion shines through in this expressive poem.

*Bullet* I found your writing to be very strong and descriptive. Great juxtaposition here:

Our hearts scream as we sit.

To me, this one line illustrates frustration and emotion very well. It juxtaposes "screaming" and "sitting," two opposing words, one aggressive and the other passive. Great choice!

*Bullet* I also like your use of the pronouns "we" and "our." It creates a solidarity amongst those who have experienced this, and it also opposes the "you" pronoun well here.

*Bullet* I like the rhyme scheme here. I tend to shy away from rhyming (whenever I write it, it sounds forced to me), but I can appreciate it when it's constructed well. Good job!



Grammar/Spelling
(These are suggestions with regard to my understanding of grammar/spelling rules. If I'm mistaken or missing a regional difference in usage, I apologize in advance.)


Will our minds ever be free.
I think a question mark after "free" might be more effective here, as I read this line like a question.

Titles/Ratings/Genres


I like your title & intro. They give good information to the reader, and I think they set the tone well for the poem.

You use "Other" as your item type here, when I think "Poetry" would fit better. I also think it could help readers find your poem easier.

Your ratings are appropriate. *Smile*


Suggestions
These are just suggestions. Feel free to use them or not. *Smile*


*Bullet* One of your rhymes took me out of the poem a bit. In stanza 3, you rhyme "hand" with "found." While it's not necessary to have true rhyme all the time, when you use it consistently through the rest of the poem, one inconsistency really stands out to the reader. It's completely up to you, but you might want to consider revising to keep the rhyme scheme consistent.

*Bullet* Use of the word "thy" in one line ("Moulded by thy hand,") confused me a bit. In my experience, "thy" is used when referencing a deity, or it's used to create a more old-fashioned tone (in sonnets, for example). Who is "thy" referencing here? I wasn't sure. Is it the same as the "you" in the previous stanza? I'm not sure it fits, but again, that's up to you. *Smile*


*Star*My Rating*Star*


4.0 - Great poem! I enjoyed reading this, and I thank you for sharing your work. *Smile*


Sincerely,
spidey

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Invalid Item.


94
94
Review of Mother  
Review by spidey
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Fadz !

I wanted to thank you for reviewing my Writer's Cramp entry, and I thought what better way than to review yours! *Smile*


Overall Thoughts:

Ah, poetic justice! I thought this tale was rather clever! I like the way you give subtle clues to the reader throughout, and even if the reader can manage to guess the end, it's still an entertaining read.

I think you do very well to portray the main character. In such few words, I was able to get a really good idea of who she is and how she might react in given situations.

I also liked how your portrayed both mothers in this story. I think I know a few like them and their actions and words made me giggle.


Title/Rating/Genres:

Great title and intro! I like that the title can refer to more than one character in the story.

Your ratings & genres are chosen well.


Suggestions
These are just suggestions. Feel free to use them or not. *Smile*

*Bullet* I'd love a sequel to this! I know you're limited here with a word count, but I'd love to see the next scene!


*Star*My Rating*Star*

4.5 - Great story! I enjoyed reading this. *Smile*


Sincerely,
spidey
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95
95
Review by spidey
In affiliation with Strength in Numbers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi PoeticFox !

Overall Thoughts:

What a good idea for a poetry group! I tend to like more non-traditional, experimental poetry so this group is right up my alley. I'll definitely check out the poetry of this group's members, and if you'd like, you can direct them to my new plug page:
 Modern Poetry  [ASR]
Submit your poetry that doesn't quite fit in the mainstream.
by spidey




Title/Rating/Genres:

Great title! It definitely made me interested in the group.

Your ratings are chosen well. I do think you could use more genres. Perhaps, "Writing," "Writing.Com" and/or "Community." Up to you, of course.


Suggestions
These are just suggestions. Feel free to use them or not. *Smile*

In your intro: THis group is mean
THis *Right* This
mean *Right* meant

THis group is for the nextgenration of poets
THis *Right* This

Email me if you wish to joi or if you want someone to reveiw your work
joi *Right* join
reveiw *Right* review


*Bullet* You might want to include what might be expected of members who wish to join (for example: Are members required to submit work? to review other members' work?)

*Bullet* You could also use WritingML to spice up the group's page a little if you wished. Try looking at some other groups to see how they set up their pages to present a friendly, inviting atmosphere for viewers. Just my thoughts. *Smile*


*Star*My Rating*Star*

4.0 - Best of luck with your group!

I'm linking this group on my plug page, "Modern Poetry [ASR], which focuses on non-traditional poetry. Although the In & Out only accepts links to non-traditional or experimental poetry, I wanted to include a list of links to all types of poetry groups. *Smile*


Sincerely,
spidey
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96
96
Review of The End  
Review by spidey
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi PoeticFox !

This is my review for "The End [13+].

Strengths

*Bullet* Love this theme! End of the world stuff is a big interest of mine (I'm reading Good Omens by Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett at the moment), and this is excellent! I love the feeling of hopelessness, but there's almost a feeling of satisfaction here. Maybe that's just me. *Blush*

*Bullet* Great imagery! From the start of the poem to its end, you fill this with great words and images. Great job!

*Bullet* I also love the form (or lack of form). For me, it fits the subject matter quite well. Good choice!

Grammar/Spelling
(These are suggestions with regard to my understanding of grammar/spelling rules. If I'm mistaken or missing a regional difference in usage, I apologize in advance.)

Waters eise
I couldn't find "eise" in a dictionary. Perhaps you meant "ease" or something else. Or perhaps it's intentional. *Wink*

as he watchesus scramble in fright.
Missing a space between "watches" and "us"



Title/Rating/Genres

Love the title! It made me click on this item. *Smile*

I think your genres & ratings are chosen well and fit the poem's content.

Suggestions
These are just suggestions. Feel free to use them or not. *Smile*

*Bullet* I have a suggestion for this line:
The prophets of this day laugh at the ones who did not listen.
To me, this line would be stronger if the words "did not" were changed to "would not." For me, that would change the tone from man being a hapless victim to being an ignorant, willful one. Just my thoughts. *Smile*


*Star*My Rating*Star*

4.5 - Great poem! I really enjoyed this. *Smile*

Keep on writing!


Sincerely,
spidey
"Invalid Item

won in an auction
97
97
Review of Phoenix  
Review by spidey
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hi Angelwrath

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest. Thanks for entering!

Please remember that you should NOT edit your entry until judging is over and the winners have been announced as per the contest rules.


Overall Thoughts

I absolutely love the first sentence! It grabbed my attention and made me very curious about the rest of the story. Good choice!

Your writing is very descriptive, particularly in the beginning of the story. You do very well to set the scene and introduce your characters. I had a clear vision of everything. Well done!

I like the message of this and the lesson the main character learns. I found it to be quite beautiful and inspiring. *Smile*


Suggestions
These are just my thoughts. Feel free to use or disregard these as you see fit.

Colin motioned for me to sit in a gentlemanly fashion
For me, the issue with this is that it almost appears to the reader as if the narrator is sitting in a gentlemanly fashion when I believe that description belongs to how Colin motioned. With some scrutiny, it becomes apparent, but you might want to consider revising to make it a little clearer.

“He’s been waiting forever to embarrass me with that story.” He said
I believe the period after "story" should be a comma and "He" shouldn't be capitalized *Right* story," he said
(There are a number of these throughout your story. You might want to take a look over your dialogue and revise or find a line-by-line editor/reviewer to find them all)

fearful images pushed its way into my head
Since "images" is plural, I believe "its" should be *Right* their

We walked hand in hand quietly along the waters edge,
waters *Right* water's

the first to hear about what I had kept secret all these years, I think.
To keep the tense consistent, "think" should be *Right* thought

I told by the workers
I think a word is missing here. Perhaps *Right* I was told

“Sorry.” Is all that I could muster
This should be *Right* "Sorry," was all that I could muster

He must be so confused.
To keep the tense consistent, this should be *Right* He must have been so confused.

“Its fine, we can go.
Its *Right* It's

It was over, and I so were my fears, I hoped.
A typo, I think: Remove the first "I"



*Bullet* I noticed you used the "Contest" genre for your item. That genre is generally used for contests themselves. Try the "Contest Entry" genre instead. *Wink*

*Bullet* I was a little confused by the end, the "my little Phoenix" reference. Why did Colin call her that? Was there a reference earlier in the story to a phoenix that I missed? *Blush*



My Rating

3.0 - Your writing started off really great, descriptive and precise, but there were a number of errors toward the end of the story. You might want to take a closer look (I find that printing out a story and reading it out loud really helps me find errors and typos that escape me when reading on a computer screen).

I did enjoy reading this, and I found its message to be quite beautiful and inspiring. Thanks for sharing your work! *Smile*


Sincerely,
spidey

98
98
Review of Old Glory  
Review by spidey
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Mara ♣ McBain

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest. Thanks for entering!

Please remember that you should NOT edit your entry until judging is over and the winners have been announced as per the contest rules.


Overall Thoughts

Excellent writing! This is so descriptive, I could see everything being described. I also found the flashback scene to be nearly excruciating in its detail (a very good thing!). Very well done!

I also found this to be quite touching, and I particularly enjoyed the end scene between the elderly war veteran and Garrett. It added a great touch to the story. Without it, this would have been a good story, but with it, I think it's what pushes this to be an excellent story. *Smile*


Suggestions
These are just my thoughts. Feel free to use or disregard these as you see fit.

*Bullet* I try to come up with at least one suggestion for everything I review, and I had a hard time coming up with one for this! If I had to suggest something, it would be to add a little more character interaction. It would be difficult to add a good deal more given the word count limit, but I'd be interested to see an earlier interaction between Garrett and his family or between Garrett and Richison. I think it could give an even better look into each character's personality. Just a thought. *Smile*



My Rating


4.5 - Excellent story! I enjoyed reading this very much.

Thanks for sharing and good luck! *Smile*


Sincerely,
spidey

99
99
Review of The Perfect Date  
Review by spidey
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi Korie

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest. Thanks for entering!

Please remember that you should NOT edit your entry until judging is over and the winners have been announced as per the contest rules.


Overall Thoughts

A cute story detailing the first date between a teenage couple. The story felt adorable, and the eagerness and happiness of the narrator shines through very well. *Smile*

I think many people can relate to this, as it's easy to identify with the narrator and her thoughts & feelings as she goes through her first date with William.


Suggestions
These are just my thoughts. Feel free to use or disregard these as you see fit.

I can feel him helping me
This is present tense. If you want to keep the tense consistent throughout your story, I'd suggest changing "can" to "could" instead. (In this paragraph, the tense switches back and forth between past and present. You migth want to revise to keep the tense consistent.)

It was one of those fancy type restaurants.
You do a good deal of "telling" rather than "showing" in this story. While it's not technically incorrect, it leaves a lot of detail out of the story, I think. In the example above, instead of telling the reader it's a "fancy type" restaurant, show it to the reader by bringing them into the scene. Describe the couple entering the restaurant and what they see, what it feels like, etc., that makes it a more fancy place. Just my thoughts. *Smile*

*Bullet* In general, I think this story could use a bit more detail. Describe colors, sounds, etc., to really bring the reader into the action of the story. I found myself wanting to know what the characters looked like (as well as their ages. I can guess that they're about 16, maybe? I wasn't sure). I think this could make the story more emotional for the readers. Just a suggestion.


My Rating


3.0 - Good story! Thanks for sharing! *Smile*


Sincerely,
spidey

100
100
Review by spidey
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi ragefire2000

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest. Thanks for entering!

Please remember that you should NOT edit your entry until judging is over and the winners have been announced as per the contest rules.


Overall Thoughts

A beautiful story! I loved the progression of this, how it moves from Duke being a hardened soldier acting on instinct to a father/husband who finds purpose in his family. Very touching. *Smile*

Your writing is clear and descriptive, making this a very enjoyable read. Well done!

I could definitely see the Dylan song as an influence here, and it fits quite well.


Suggestions
These are just my thoughts. Feel free to use or disregard these as you see fit.

*Bullet* I'm not sure I'd use "Other" as the item type here. Perhpas "Short Story" would fit better.

*Bullet* I wondered what Duke's wife thought of him, particularly when he is doubting himself in the role of father & husband. I suppose her viewpoint is shown when she touches his wrist, but I wondered if he expressed his concerns to her in the past. Does she have doubts, too, or does she reassure him? I was just curious. *Smile*


My Rating


4.5 - Excellent story! Thanks for sharing and good luck! *Smile*


Sincerely,
spidey

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