|Hi Manixander !
This is my review for "Crazy Room" [E]. I found this item on "Please Review"
From your intro, I'm assuming this really happened to you. Your emotional and descriptive writing here makes me feel that this is based on truth, too. I'm sorry you went through this, but sharing your feelings on it might help you deal. It can also connect you to your readers who might have gone through something similar. In any case, your emotion shines through in this expressive poem.
I found your writing to be very strong and descriptive. Great juxtaposition here:
Our hearts scream as we sit.
To me, this one line illustrates frustration and emotion very well. It juxtaposes "screaming" and "sitting," two opposing words, one aggressive and the other passive. Great choice!
I also like your use of the pronouns "we" and "our." It creates a solidarity amongst those who have experienced this, and it also opposes the "you" pronoun well here.
I like the rhyme scheme here. I tend to shy away from rhyming (whenever I write it, it sounds forced to me), but I can appreciate it when it's constructed well. Good job!
(These are suggestions with regard to my understanding of grammar/spelling rules. If I'm mistaken or missing a regional difference in usage, I apologize in advance.)
Will our minds ever be free.
I think a question mark after "free" might be more effective here, as I read this line like a question.
I like your title & intro. They give good information to the reader, and I think they set the tone well for the poem.
You use "Other" as your item type here, when I think "Poetry" would fit better. I also think it could help readers find your poem easier.
Your ratings are appropriate.
These are just suggestions. Feel free to use them or not.
One of your rhymes took me out of the poem a bit. In stanza 3, you rhyme "hand" with "found." While it's not necessary to have true rhyme all the time, when you use it consistently through the rest of the poem, one inconsistency really stands out to the reader. It's completely up to you, but you might want to consider revising to keep the rhyme scheme consistent.
Use of the word "thy" in one line ("Moulded by thy hand,") confused me a bit. In my experience, "thy" is used when referencing a deity, or it's used to create a more old-fashioned tone (in sonnets, for example). Who is "thy" referencing here? I wasn't sure. Is it the same as the "you" in the previous stanza? I'm not sure it fits, but again, that's up to you.
4.0 - Great poem! I enjoyed reading this, and I thank you for sharing your work.
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Invalid Item" .