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230 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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26
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Review of Squander  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Sadyshea

I have just read your item SQUANDER and these are my humble comments. I send them in a hope that they can be helpful to you, but note that these are just personal opinions.

First Impression:
This was great for such a short story. You start the story right in the middle of the action, and describe the scene without really giving away whats going on. This made me want to keep reading and find out what was happening. You sucked me in and kept me enthralled until the very end.

Suggestions:
The only thing I stumbled on was the word "upkeep" on the first line. I am not sure what you mean since I am guessing that she had colored her hair and in this case it would be just the same to change it for the word "keep" ".. dollars spent to keep the falsity.."

Plot / Characters:
The main character was well described and detailed. I also enjoyed her view on her own self and her mother you added near the end. This line added a great depth to the character.

The plot was - entertaining, intriguing, and mysterious.(basically perfect *Wink*
Though I did get the feeling that it needs to be developed a bit more. Is this part of a novel? or a longer story?
I would love to see a second part since you leave us wondering what will happen next

Structure & Grammar:
There was no need for dialog nor long explanations to get the message of fury, anger, indignation and confusion that the character felt. You made it simple and interesting.

*Star* *Star**Star**Star*
Thank you for sharing your work.. I look forward to reading more soon

Samantha
sssam-on the way back

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Invalid Item" .
"Invalid Item" 
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27
Review of I AM  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Dreamin1

I have just read your work I AM and here is my review of this poem
I and sending you this, in a hope that my humble opinion as a reader can be useful to you.


*Star* Overall impression :
I really enjoyed this poem. You created strong imagery,and sparked powerful emotions.
You asked a question in the beginning "Do you recognize me?" and didn't answer it until the end line.


*Star* Structure :
I found the structure of the poem a bit chaotic. separating each line as if a new paragraph makes it a bit confusing. I suggest to try various ways of presenting this prose, maybe even cutting and reorganizing it as a free verse poem.


*Star* Suggestions :
I only have a few small suggestions:-

I would change the words "gentle beating" on the fourth line for a stonger adjective. When you feel that no one understands you and you feel alone,I can imagine that your heart is not gently beating- maybe "aching", "breaking", "silently burning" ... it all depends on how you want to focus it.

The other suggestion would be to change the structure of the line "I am the crashing of the waves, the caw of a seagull, the majestic peaks of a mountain, and the setting of the sun." I would place "the caw of a seagull" on the end of the sentence becuase the rest of the images you give with the waves, mountains and the sunset are of power, strength and control over nature. The seagull image brings a different picture to mind.. maybe that God is everywhere, even in something so small and mundane as a seagull.

Anyway as I said these are just a small details- I realy didnt find any error in your work *RollEyes*


*Star* Best part :
I loved the suspense that kept me going until the very last line.


*Star**Star**Star**Star*
Thank you for sharing your work.
I look forward to reading more soon.


Samantha
sssam-on the way back
"Invalid Item" 
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28
Review of Sparks  
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi LGF I have read your story :SPARKS
As a fellow Rising Star companion I am offering my personal review of your work. I hope my comments can be useful to you.

Plot
I really enjoyed this story. It starts right in the action , you then take me through the emotional turmoil of the hospital and realization of the accident, and then you top it off with a happy ending.
For such a short story this is great (and I must say I am a big fan of happy endings! *Wink*)

Characters
The characters seemed real, and believable. You gave them common attributes that made me easily identify with them.

Grammar/Spelling/Dialog
I found no errors here, and the dialog was simple yet very effective.

Suggestion
My only suggestion would be to develop a bit more the romantic conection between the main characters before the accident. You gave this information during the hospital scene, but I think that knowing his feelings towards her beforehand could help enhance this part of the story.

My Point of View
A great read- I definitely enjoyed it

Thanks for sharing your work- I look forward to reading more soon.
SAM
sssam-on the way back
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29
29
Review of Almost 40  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi KL

I have just read your work -ALMOST 40 and here is my review of this poem
I and sending you this, in a hope that my humble opinion as a reader can be useful to you.


*Star* Overall impression :

This is a great poem. It is simple, direct, brutal, emotional and powerful, and all of this in 3 short stanzas! The title is perfect since this is a personal introspection and you question your life (and losses) when nearing the 40's.

*Star* Structure :
You chose a simple structure with a minimal rhyme that gave this poem a nice flow.
Your personal thoughts reached the reader effortlessly with no need to use fancy forms, rhymes or structures.


*Star* Suggestions :
The only suggestion is to shorten the first line- it seems that bit too long when comparing to the rest of the poem. And on a personal request- how about writing a sequel? I would love to hear more of the story -and with a happy ending of course! *Wink*


*Star* Best part :
The line " I lost a husband, I lost my dog" gives this poem a personal touch- instead of being generic and saying that you lost your life, your friends, your self respect... (or whatever) you actually choose two specific things your husband and your dog -this brings me closer to the character making me feel the loss even more..

Ohhh and I must say that I LOVE the ending note- you definitely are somebody -(to start with a great writer)*Heart*


*Star**Star**Star**Star*
Thank you for sharing your great work -I look forward to reading more soon.


Samantha
sssam-on the way back
"Invalid Item" 
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Review of Love is enough  
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Jaya I have read your poem :LOVE IS ENOUGH
As a fellow Rising Star companion I am offering my personal review of your work. I hope my comments can be useful to you.


Diction
Your poem emits great imagery and realism since you have used emotional and descriptive diction through the poem. The words such as gentle, mellifluous, immortal, stabilizing, sweet naivety, blessed and existence are simple truly effective and impacting. With easy yet precise wording you have created a wonderful story.


Imagery
I really enjoy the imagery of this poem. You provoke wonderful emotions mentioning the scent of Jasmine, the soothing melodies, the cooling of emotions, feasting eyes, the richest of the rich, the happiest of the blessed etc.. You paint a wonderful picture in every line- it is great!


StructureRhythm
The free verse works well. The absence of rhyme and constricting structures makes your message seem so much more real and personal.

Theme
Great!- Who doesn't like to read about wonderful, pure, delighting, precious love?

My only small suggestion would be to revise the title. I say this becuase when one says "love is enough" it seems that we are conforming with love and that it is enough for us- but your poem goes even further that this concept. You explain that love is your life, your vitality, your existence- I think that any of these words you use in the poem are much more powerful to the title.

Best Part
Definitely the imagery - ohh and I am a sucker for happy endings like this one ".. the very cause of my existence" that is so romantic... *Wink*

Thanks for sharing your work- I hope to read more soon

SAM
sssam-on the way back
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31
31
Review of Seen  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Twilla

I have just read your campfire: SEEN and these are my humble comments. I send them in a hope that they can be helpful to you, but note that these are personal opinions and are by no means better than yours.

First Impression:
You and Sticktalker did a good job to keep the story flowing smoothly. You kept the mystery and intrigue right up to the end - and just when I thought the story had finished and all secrets are found you add the extra twist with the last two lines! *Wink*

Suggestions:

I think that the sentence " Inside the bungalow the little girl turned to the woman. " is not necessary especially the "turned to the woman" part. This is made obvious when she calls her Mom in the next line.

My other suggestion is to place a coma after the word Mom in the sentence. "Mom, is making things disappear my only special power?"

Plot / Characters:
The plot and characters are great- you kept me entertained until the very last line. I must also confess that since I am called Samantha and also have green eyes so I got sucked in right away! (LOL) *Bigsmile*


Structure & Grammar:
It seems correct to me, though I am not sure why you placed the last paragraph after the end.


*Star* Overall a well deserved 4 stars- well done. I look forward to reading some more soon.


Samantha
sssam-on the way back
"Invalid Item" 
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Review of Just Because  
In affiliation with  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Hi Carpageo. I have read your poem :JUST BECAUSE.
As a fellow Rising Star companion I am offering my personal review of your work. I hope my comments can be useful to you.

Title
It is a great catchy title that not only caught my interest but somehow could be the answer to your questions- "just because" it is so.

Diction/ Imagery
The poem is melancholy, pensive, meditative and maybe a bit gloomy, but I think everyone can relate to having one of those days when we question life and our existance in it.

Rhythm/ Rhyme
This had a smooth flow with easy rhyme, but I did stumble on the line "we know in time will come a day we grow". It seems a bit long and out of place and I can't seem to get it to rhyme with the rest..


Structure
You chose a simple structure with simple rhyme that I think worked well with such a deep and thought-provoking poem. You keept it simple to help the reader focus on the theme.


Best Part
I really like the lines "Experience shapes us, untried, Into basket cases, wide eyed". This statement is obvious and true, but you managed to explain it in a vivid and imaginative way.

Overall this is a great read - Thanks for sharing your work- I hope to read more soon

SAM
33
33
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: E | (4.5)
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Hi Magoo
I have just read your poem :The Bat and the Butterfly
As a fellow Rising Star companion I am offering my personal review of your work. I hope my comments can be useful to you.

Title
The title was correct, but unfortunately not very inspiring. Being such a great poem and unusual story I would have added something special to the title - maybe something about love, eternal lust, pursuit, opposites attract.... or something that gives a bit of information about the poem without giving it all away.

Diction
You used simple concise sentences, but you chose them well and built great images and a smooth flow. The only line I stumbled on was the 3rd one on the 2nd stanza "a dandelion today"- I personally think this line needs another syllable or a very short word since it feels that little bit too short.

Imagery
The idea of being in the mind of the bat was great! I loved it- it is unusual and uncommon and peculiar, and it was especially nice since he is in love and we all appreciate and sympathize with that *Heart* *Wink*

Rhythm /Rhyme
The easy aa/bb rhyme was effective and the simple 4-line stanzas was appropriate. You created a constant rhythm and fluent flow making this poem quite enjoyable.


Theme
I would say that the theme is the most important part. It it what makes this poem stand out from the rest and stay in my mind. I enjoyed the double meaning- since I am guessing that there are many bat-men and butterfly-women out there (LOL) *Wink*

Best Part
Definitely the ending where he mentions "I will never give up this hope"- that is inspiring and encouraging line though saddish in a way since the possibilities of winning are pretty small

Anyways congratulation on your great poem.
Thanks for sharing your work- I hope to read more soon

SAM
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Review of Ever After  
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
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Hi LdyPhoenix.
I have read your poem :EVER AFTER
As a fellow Rising Star companion I am offering my personal review of your work. I hope my comments can be useful to you.

Title
The title activated my curiosity and it fitted perfectly with the fairytale theme.

Imagery /Theme
Setting the story in a fairytale setting is a great way to touch such a difficult problem that is today affecting many of us. The idea of reaching your fairytale dream, when in reality it is not what you want. (In this case believing in the perfect man, wanting the full marriage, to be treated like a princess and living in a grand castle- Then you find out that you are not happy at all. Even though you wrote in past fantasy like setting- the underlying message is actual and can affect all kinds of women worldwide.

You provoked great imagery -I could imagine the prince, the castle, the glass slippers!I wonder if I watched too many Disney movies when I was a child?? *Wink*


Rhythm/ Rhyme
The poem flowed smoothly though I slightly stumbled on the line "under falling twilight" I suggest to maybe add a short word or another syllable (I think it should be longer than the line before it)


Structure
You used a great structure to catch my attention and I enjoyed the diamond shaped stanzas.


Best Part
Definately the ending. What can I say- all fairy-tales should have a happy ending, and this one was great! Barefoot, smilig and running out to a new life - escaping the fairytale (just perfect *Wink*

It was a great read-thanks for sharing your work- I hope to read more soon

SAM
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In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Lexi

As one of the judges for the Winter Story competitions, I have read your work MY IDEA OF A WINTER WONDERLAND and here is my review. I send it in a hope that they can be helpful to you, but note that these are personal opinions and are by no means better than yours.

First Impression:
Your story as warm, emotive, and touching. You gave a good mix of dialog and action.

Plot / Characters:
You created an intriguing plot touching quite a few hard subjects though ending in a positive note. The characters all had individual personalities and their personal dialog helped maintain their characters. You did mention that this was the first part of a longer story, and it did feel like the ending was missing. You didn't really tie in the last part of the story where Boone meets Annie Goodman. Though it was interesting I felt that it was irrelevant to the rest of the story. (I am guessing that this is the start of the next chapter)

Suggestions:
I would have added a few more description to slower the pace. Your story touched a lot of emotional subjects and it would have been good to dig a bit deeper into each of these issues.

Structure & Grammar:
Unfortunately I am not really the best at grammatical things so I will not go into it much. What I did notice was two minor mistakes.

1- on the 3rd line "..don't mean (it) we can't have.." I would erase the word it.
2- on the line "..and jerked me my to where we were looking eye to eye" I would eliminate the word `my' and maybe change it to 'so that we were looking eye to eye'


*Star*
Overall this was an entertaining read. Well done.
I am giving you 100 Gps for participating in the contest
Stay tunes as the winners will be posted shortly.

Samantha
sssam-on the way back
"Invalid Item" 
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In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Writetolife

Sorry for the delay in reviewing your work -In the Little Moments.
I am trying to review everyone that participated in the Feel the Rainbow Poetry contest, but I have realized that there is quite a few poems so I am taking longer than usual

(Actually -I took longer than expected to judge the Feel the Rainbow Poetry contest (It was a pretty hard job! (LOL))
Anyways hope that my humble opinion as a reader can be useful to you.


*Star* Overall impression :
Great- I loved it (hence the 2nd place in the contest!)
I especially enjoyed the simple and mundane situations you use to explain the pink color. I could identify myself with everything you mentioned. This poem was simple, but completely effective.

*Star* Structure :
Good- You repeat the first 3 words "pale pink is..." in all of your stanzas. This is very effective since you paint different situations throughout your poem, but then take us back to the meaning of it all- the pale pink feeling! *Thumbsup*


*Star* Suggestions :
My only suggestion would be to shorten the first line of the second stanza-or even break it up into 2 separate lines. It seems a bit long, especially when comparing to the others.

*Star* or itself- it is not an intense color/emotion like a striking red or sad deep blue, - instead it is a humane pink, with our everyday situations.


Thank you for sharing your work.
I look forward to reading more soon.


Samantha
sssam-on the way back
"Invalid Item" 
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Review of A Bitter Old Man  
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: E | (4.5)
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Hi Paradoxical I have read your poem :A BITTER OLD MAN
As a fellow Rising Star companion I am offering my personal review of your work. I hope my comments can be useful to you.

Title
You chose a great title- it not only captured me and made me choose your work, but it also provided background information on the main character.

Diction
The diction is simple yet effective. "..What is the point of aiming low? Explain to me, 'cause I don't know..." That is a phrase that everyone can relate to - I can imagine a lot of people saying something like that.

Imagery
I can imagine the ire and hurt that the main character feels because the old man doesn`t believe in him and doesn`t comprehend his viewpoint. You don't mention who the old man is - maybe his father? teacher? mentor? I am guessing somebody that he cares for and that is why he is upset.

Rhythm /Structure
I am not sure what structure you chose since you use a two line rhyme system except for the last stanza. In any case it worked well. It was an easy read with fluid lines.

Rhythm /Rhyme
All good to me. I am not really sure if the words "words" and "absurd" rhyme, but when reading aloud I did not stumble over it- so it is no big deal.


Theme
Great theme, it is interesting, personal, emotional unusual and direct. It is like listening to a conversation you are giving to the old man. Well done! I loved it *Bigsmile*

Best Part
I liked it all. But what I mostly enjoyed was the originality of the poem itself. It was like reading a diary/ letter or conversation all in a rhyming poem. Well done!

Thanks for sharing your work
I hope to read more soon

SAM
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Review of Where I'm From  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Patty

I have just read your work WHERE I'M FROM and here is my review of this poem
I and sending you this, in a hope that my humble opinion as a reader can be useful to you.


*Star* Overall impression :
Loved it- It was great, it seems that I already know you and we could have been neighbors (since I was a country girl too)
This poem gives so many small details of your daily country life that in a whole it creates one grand and wonderful image of a childhood. I imagine the whole scene with your words and then you go and bring me back to reality with the last stanza - this was in the past we and even maybe the entire society has grown up now- things are just not the same -
wow! So nostalgic!.


*Star* Structure :
Being based on another poem I am guessing that you stuck to the original structure. In any case It worked well- I am not fond of using first person and of phrase repetitions but in this case I had no problems with it- I was so immersed in the details that I didnt even notice it! *Wink*


*Star* Suggestions :
NONE- all just too good!!!

*Star* Best part :
I really liked it all- I found it all so real and I could personally relate to it - (except the monopoly games- we were more into the dominoes!!(LOL))

But If I have to choose I do love the first line- I think you sum it all up in the first 4 words.




Thank you for sharing your work.
I look forward to reading more soon.


Samantha
sssam-on the way back
"Invalid Item" 
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Review of types of talk  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Beiri-rangu

I have just read your work TYPES OF TALK and here is my review of this poem.
I and sending you this, in a hope that my humble opinion as a reader can be useful to you.


*Star* Overall impression :
I Loved it!! -
It is witty, funny, entertaining and even informative -and all that together in a perfect rhyme -WOW!


*Star* Structure :
Great-
You separated the stanzas per- can I call them lessons? and then added the personal note in the end. Your rhyme was quite impressive and the general flow of the poem was easy and clean.


*Star* Suggestions :

Not really much here to suggest-
The only thing that could be looked as is the line "If only I knew more, but life it is we see," How about adding as "..life it is as we see"??

*Star* Best part :
Definitely the last line- that put a put a nice grin on my face *Bigsmile*

This is rated a well deserved 5 star review from me. Well done.
Thank you for sharing your work, I look forward to reading more soon.


Samantha
sssam-on the way back
"Invalid Item" 
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Review of Love is  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi John,

I have just read your work LOVE IS and here is my review of this poem.
I and sending you this, in a hope that my humble opinion as a reader can be useful to you.


*Star* Overall impression :
I Loved it-
It is a short, sweet and effective poem that provoked a wonderful and bright image of love.

*Star* Structure :
The free form suits well and the spacing and line construction you chose made me pause and savor your wording even longer. You also used great allitteration that gave the poem a wonderful flow. *Bigsmile*

*Star* Suggestions :
none- well actually how about writing another one! (I hope that you don't take 2 years for the next one!)*Wink*


*Star* Best part :
The first three words "Love is Living.." You start with a powerful image that I personally agree with.

Thank you for sharing your work.
I look forward to reading more soon.


Samantha
sssam-on the way back
"Invalid Item" 
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Review of my child  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Le'Le

I have just read your work MY CHILD and here is my review of this poem
I and sending you this, in a hope that my humble opinion as a reader can be useful to you.


*Star* Overall impression :
I like the power and the emotions behind this poem. You evoke a feeling of relief and reassurance now that the dawn is near, and you leave it up to the reader to imagine what could have happened.

*Star* Structure :
I quite enjoy the short precise sentences you use, though I must admit that I prefer to read and also write poetry in separate lines and stanzas. Wrtiting everything on the one paragraph can wometimes be confusing. I find some sort of spacing helps the reader focus and seperate the different ideas and or images the writer is trying to portray.

*Star* Suggestions :
- 3rd line-"Far away from the distance." Maybe it should have a coma and join on to the next line to create a longer sentence.
- 5th line- "Whispering don't fall asleep" I am not sure who you are referring to. Who shouldn't sleep -you or your child? Do you hear whispers and thats why you can not or must not sleep, or is it your child that is whispering and can not or must not sleep? -Sorry I got lost there *Blush*
- Last line "..(I)'ll do my best" I think that's a small typo *Wink*


*Star* Best part :
I really love the positive ending you wrap it all up with. I especially appreciate the line;
"Believe not only in me, but also in yourself..." That is a powerful phrase that illuminated the whole poem!

Thank you for sharing your work.
I look forward to reading more soon.


Samantha
sssam-on the way back
"Invalid Item" 
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In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Sam

I have just read your work COLORS OF SIN.. and here is my review of this poem
I and sending you this, in a hope that my humble opinion as a reader can be useful to you.


*Star* Overall impression :
WOW- I loved it!! It was one of those poems that as soon as I finished I had to re-read over again!
You used wonderful enriched words, depicting strong and powerful images and emotions.

*Star* Structure :
I personally enjoy the free structure and no rhyme scheme. I think it especially works well in your poem because it leaves all the attention to the good bit- your descriptive story.


*Star* Suggestions :
My only suggestion is to start each line with a capital letter and to put comas and full stops. I know some writers prefer to leave as is, but it always makes it easier for the reader to understand you ideas if you punctuate.


*Star* Best part :
I like it all!! But I must admit that I am impressed by the fourth stanza "retreat". The fact that it is a one-word line and one-word verse really impacts. Well done.

Thank you for sharing your work. Please write more soon because I would love to read more soon *Wink*

Samantha
sssam-on the way back
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Review of When you need me  
In affiliation with Rockin' Reviewers - Award ...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Mystic

I have just read your work WHEN YOU NEED ME and here is my review of this poem. I and sending you this, in a hope that my humble opinion as a reader can be useful to you.


*Star* Overall impression :
YOur poem portrayed emotions and feelings of a true frienship


*Star* Structure :
The simple 2 line sentences made it an easy read.


*Star* Suggestions :
Not sure if "family & me" actually rhyme.
I also noticed that you repeated the word "me" & "see" in two consecutive lines - maybe you could use different words there.
You did start the first four lines with the word "you"- but I kind of liked that, it caused an impact hen reading the poem. (might cause a bigger one if the next three lines start with the word I)


*Star* Best part :
"You cry to your family, but they just say me,me,me"
Ohh- I am sure we can all relate to that! (LOL)
Especially good the repetition of the word me three times.

Thank you for sharing your work.
I look forward to reading more soon.


Samantha
sssam-on the way back
"Invalid Item" 
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In affiliation with Rockin' Reviewers - Award ...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Juffin
I have just read your short story THREE LITTLE DOLPHINS and these are my humble comments. I send them in a hope that they can be helpful to you, but note that these are personal opinions and are by no means better than yours.

First Impression:
Even though it was an underwater version of the popular Three little pigs story and I still enjoyed it very much. I loved the way you changed it to the ocean setting.

Suggestions:Maybe you could include the moral of the story like in most fairytales. It kind of seems that the third dolphin was just lucky to get away and not foresighted like in the original story.

Plot / Characters:
Loved them all- especially the evil shark!

Structure & Grammar:
On the second paragraph- "He was getting use to his home" I think you mean "used to ..." Apart from that a great short read-

*Star*
And by the way thanks for sharing your work

Samantha
sssam-on the way back
"Invalid Item" 
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In affiliation with Rockin' Reviewers - Award ...  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi.

I have just read your work THE EMPTY FISH TANK and here is my review of this poem..


*Star* Overall impression :
Loved it- Its a bright cheerful poem that made me laugh and realise that all married couples have the same problems! (In my house it is the corner of the garden where I try to grow some flowers!!)

*Star* Structure :
Easy flow and witty rhyme- enjoyable fun read.


*Star* Suggestions :
Nothing! it is great the way it is

*Star* Best part :
There where two parts I really enjoyed
"It sits fishless in my kitchen; stubborn husband I have to thank" that made be giggle a bit!
And also"is ignored by his id austere" got me chuckling


Thank you for sharing your work.
I look forward to reading more soon.


Samantha
sssam-on the way back
"Invalid Item" 
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In affiliation with Rockin' Reviewers - Award ...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Sticktalker

I just visited Omni's great guestbook and this is my review for your work since I posted after you. *Smile*


I have just read your story Indian Princess Poca Bo-Wow and these are my comments. I send them in a hope that they can be helpful to you, but note that these are personal opinions and are by no means better than yours.

First Impression:
Great read. The attention and description of the details are great. It completely transported me to the Indian village with you details of clothing, and utensils and ceremonies

Suggestions:
The first sentence:
"Many summers ago, when the earth was new, the first peoples had moved across the wide lands and now lived on the shore of the Forever Sea"
The sentence is a bit long and hard to follow, especially being the first one in the story. I suggest to either cut it in two or maybe modify the ending to shorten it: ...and the first peoples had moved across the wide lands to live in the Forever Sea shore.

Plot / Characters:
Great characters. Willow shines as the main character but I must mentioned that her fathers actions also really stood out by his dialogue.

Structure & Grammar:
The structure of thesentences really set the mood and it felt like an old Indian tale been told by some elders in a campfire!

*Star*
Loved it!.Thanks for sharing your work

Samantha
sssam-on the way back
"Invalid Item" 
47
47
Review of Beautiful Day  
In affiliation with Rockin' Reviewers - Award ...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Mystic

I have just read your poem Beautiful Day and here is my review of this poem
I and sending you this, in a hope that my humble opinion as a reader can be useful to you.


*Star* Overall impression :

This was a light enjoyable read that left a pendidng question to the reader. I could imagine myself in all of the happy situations you described.

*Star* Structure :

I personally love the free writing structure. I feel it lets you describe your feelings anyway you like, and it has worked well in this poem.

*Star* Suggestions :

Maybe the use of the phrase "fire ball in the sky" is a bit too strong. I mean you are relating happy pleasing scenes and the description usually a fire ball is more of a threatening image.

*Star* Best part :
My favourite part is the ending line. It confirms that all of the situations you have mentioned are your idea of happiness, and so it then forced me to go back and re-read the entire poem to see if it coincides with my ideas in order to answer the question. (By the way it pretty much does!)


Thank you for sharing your work.
I look forward to reading more soon.


Samantha
sssam-on the way back
"Invalid Item" 
48
48
Review of Trying to keep up  
In affiliation with Rockin' Reviewers - Award ...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi MnM

I have just read your item TRYING TO KEEP UP and these are my humble comments. I send them in a hope that they can be helpful to you, but note that these are personal opinions and are by no means better than yours.

First Impression:
It is a personal yet impacting scene- I love part where the child is trying to keep up with the mothers breathing. It is a very symbolic gesture.

Suggestions:
the Phrase "I was always off" is not very clear- maybe you should add the word beat "I was always off beat"

Overall:
For such a short story you really expressed some nice and deep feelings. I also really like the fact that the story is being told by the child.

*Star*
I really enjoyed your work, thanks for sharing it.

Samantha.
sssam-on the way back
"Invalid Item" 
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