Wow. This is very emotional, and the way you write about this is so real I can almost feel the grass under my feet, the breeze against my face. I liked how you evoked all the senses as you brought the reader with you to this place.
Some of my favorite lines were: I stand in this place alone, but not lonely, and I can gaze on where you are, and are not, both at once.
The smell of time. Yes. Time has a smell.
This piece has a haunting, haunted feel to it that I really enjoyed. Excellent writing! Glad I stopped by.
I just want to say thank you for the prayers you & your group offer for anyone who needs them. The world of today needs strong prayers more than ever before.
Prayers are simple things yet so powerful, for both the ones who pray and for the ones who receive those blessings.
Thank you for all you do to make this site a more happy, healthy, and blessed place to be. It gives me hope for this sometimes bleak world.
My favorite lines are the last two: very descriptive! I also liked "The brain and the mouth have trouble communicating" in your Brief Descrip. This poem is somewhat melancholy, and it describes so well the feelings we writers can have.
I enjoyed reading your work. Dark items are always fun to read and to write. Nice descriptions. I also liked the stanza that starts, "The synchronicity between..."
Very nice. It certainly brings to mind all the things that an Olympic athlete goes through. I love watching the Olympics, it's so inspiring. They go thru so much to achieve their dreams and even if they don't' make gold, they have so much fun trying. More than I could ever do!
Your poem shows your obvious love for the Olympic dream. Keep on writing!
Very nice. Definitely dark, and original. I loved the way you ended the poem.
Feel free to post this and any other "dark" works at
"Invalid Item" . Glad to have another Darkling writer on the site.
Oh, and please visit "Invalid Item" by A Guest Visitor a place that my friend created for those who love Dark writings.
Thanks for sharing your poem.
Because Family is the most important thing to me, the lines I liked best were: We waltzed to music from our hearts
As children made our lives complete.
So true! Children are such a blessing in our lives.
And since you're new here, I'd like to say, Welcome to W.com! I'm sure you'll like it here. Hope this review was helpful.
Hi Joy,
I liked the almost-rhyme of power and water; something about it appealed to me. The sound of your poem is like the feeling you'd get at a riverside; I can almost feel the rushing water against my legs as I read.
My favorite line:
some thirsty portion of my soul
I also liked the idea of pain and sorrow
Swirling further away.
What you wrote here is so very true! Not many realize the heaviness with which words can hit another's soul. This is a beautiful story, and Charlie is a beautiful person.
This story is very inspirational, and so I'm going to suggest it for the Spiritual newsletter. I think it's a story that should be seen by many people, so I hope they take it.
Only two problems I noticed, and easily fixed, too:
first, I saw a few small typos here and there, such as:
one by on, to write a word
turing his back
Also, items online are much easier to read when you double-space between paragraphs.
I thought this was a great story, with a great lesson to tell.
Alan, this is simply beautiful. It gave me a fright for a moment, because my sister uses the name Alyssa. But then I saw the dates...how sad, to lose a little one so early in life. The last 3 lines made me want to cry.
I LOVE these lines: So beautiful that you caught the eye of God
And He plucked you from this garden
Anyway, I love this poem, and I'm going to suggest it for the poetry newsletter. (Not that I have any pull with them at all!) But something this beautiful cries out to be shared, so I hope they'll chose it.
I love this poem. It speaks to me because it expresses a past friendship of mine, as I'm sure other readers will agree.
(What a convoluted sentence! But I hope you know what I mean.)
My favorite lines are:
While dusty photographs cover my wall
Like shards of promises broken
Welcome to W.com, and may you find what you're looking for in this supportive writing community.
I liked the title, and I liked the alliteration, both in the titlte and throughout the poem. I could almost feel the breeze as I sat there with you under the willow tree. Very peaceful.
Only one line I didn't care for as much: the sixth line, but I loved the way these lines sounded in my head as I read them: In such saturated silent dark.
You got right into the center of the action in the first paragraph, which is always a good sign. Too often, someone will label their story "action/adventure" and then go into tedious histories or descriptions before hitting their stride. You set a pace that doesn't let up.
Reading about Laura and Hannah, and the way you tied it into the ending, got me a bit emotional. You made me feel for your main character.
Congrats on your win at "A Picture Is Worth A 1000 Words Contest" by iKïyå§ama-House Targaryen ! This very descriptive story certainly deserves it, as this example proves: Relentless rain fell the day of the double funeral, driving cold daggers through his heart forever.
Hi,
I saw your entry at "Struck by Lightning Flash Fiction."
What I liked: Yours had the best Brief Description of all the entries.
Great opening. I liked the descriptions in 'graph two, with the allusions, like "carved in two." You obviously did your research! The ending line was perfect.
Only thing I didn't like was "the bullet." It was a bit confusing in that I didn't realize at first it was what he named his machine. Perhaps capitalizing Bullet would help--unless, of course, you wanted that confusion! (I'd also have capp'd "the Return Home button" for clarity.)
I also liked that you showed the Rdr the contempt that the narrator had for the family.
All in all, a good new way to look at an old story. Good luck in the contest!
You have very strong images in this poem. It conveys such sorrow.
I loved this line, thought it was very descriptive:
The irreversible move into infinite sleep.
The only part I didn't like as much was the sort of preachy bit at the very end. But that's not as important as the overall beauty of your poem. Well done.
A nicely sentimental poem, telling about true and sweet family bonds. Great visuals, nicely written. You really created quite a spell with your words. I can almost see the boy playing in the yard with the butterflies.
Very entertaining! Hallowe'en is one of my favorite holidays, and you've definitely captured the spirit of it (so to speak, haha) in this amusing poem.
I saw only one little thing to mention: wondering if it's a typo that "Ghouls" was capitalized.
I see you've only been here a short time, so it's not too late for me to say Welcome to W.com!
Lovely! Such emotion, such false strength this poem implies--being strong on the outside as she falls apart inside. This poem is something that most women can relate to, sometime in their lives. (Hopefully, not too often.)
Only one line read a bit awkwardly for me:
He has created a reality of her unspoken fears.
I only saw one little typo:
"You're not worth it." is her
* should be:
"You're not worth it[comma}" is her
jThe lines I liked best were:
This broken heart was hardly her first,
But it seems to be, by far, the worst.
That final stanza reads so well. I love the cadence of the rhyme, and also how it brings the poem full circle.
Keep writing and keep rhyming, and welcome to Writing.com!
Reading this I & O had me cracking up. It's amazing to me that people can be so creative with such simple concepts.
Of course, a lot of my friends are here too, so that makes it more fun.
Thanks for hosting this--I'm definitely adding it to my faves list, and I'll be back!
I chose this poem cuz I liked the Brief Descrip you gave.
You described so well the ambivalance that a situation like this can create. The lines I liked most were the opposing ones, like If only I had taken the chance when I had it
If only I hadn't had the chance.
My favorite, however, was this: If my body weren't stronger than my reason
because I think it's such a universal emotion, that almost everyone could feel at some time in their life.
Hi! Feel free to ignore the comments you don't agree with.
* First, that was a great opening that drew me right into the story. Right away, I wanted to know more about that poor girl.
Progressing painstakingly slowly through the ever-growing blackness
* Nice alliteration there.
* Other lines I liked: Deciding she could do nothing about it now but worry about it later
* Something that bothered me was the high number of extremely short paragraphs. Now, this is a stylistic thing, and I know that it's come more into vogue in the last few years, so it's not necessarily wrong--it just bothers me personally.
* I liked the sense of humor Lucy seem to have, e.g.:
Well, that certainly made things difficult.
Something slowly revealed is always more interesting to read than if it's shown, for example, in flashback rather than "as it happens."
It wanted her and It had waited a long time for her.
Great line. If you ever want to change your Brief Descrip, consider using this one.
That was quite an ending! You had vivid descriptions throughout, and made the reader really care about Lucy. *applause!* I enjoyed reading your story.
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