*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/starr.r/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/3
Review Requests: OFF
484 Public Reviews Given
3,760 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
Previous ... 1 2 -3- 4 5 6 7 ... Next
51
51
Review of We Know Better  
Review by Starr* Rathburn
Rated: E | (4.5)
I really liked your Brief Descrip for this poem--that's what made me chose this one.

biting viciously at softness.
That describes it so well.

I wasn't quite sure why you used quotes for 'we.'

One little typo:
Burning inscents,
* incense

I liked the haunted feel of this poem. Write on!

Cordially,

Starr*R *Leaf4*
52
52
Review of The Storm  
Review by Starr* Rathburn
Rated: E | (4.0)
Nicely done; there are some pretty images in your poem. I'm not a poet, so I can't help much on that side, but I can let you know of a couple of typos I noticed:

yet its only noon.
* should be
it's

The leave flutter
* should be
leaves

This one, however, is correct:
The storm has gone on its way

I could almost see the storm coming as I read your poem. Your strong point is definitely description!

Write on~~

Cordially,

Starr*R*Leaf1*
53
53
Review of Seven Days Left  
Review by Starr* Rathburn
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I loved the humor in this! It cracked me up that he's using "the future of humanity" to get a date. And then that last line at the end to make us wonder.

I love flash fic, espec. when it's done well. Thanks for making me smile.


Cordially,

Starr**Leaf2*
54
54
Review by Starr* Rathburn
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi! You have a great opening line, and the title fits the story perfectly. I try to offer helpful suggestions in my reviews--feel free to ignore anything you don't agree with. :D

I moved to Fla. to get away from winter--just reading your descriptions made me cold again! Nicely done.

Perhaps I was reading it wrong, but I was a bit jarred by the switch between present tense and past tense in the paragraphs with:
snapped me awake.
I was an EMT
I threw on clothes, boots, gloves,
My partner pulls into the parking lot

The way this is written has an urgency to it that pulls the reader right into the scene. I espc. liked the paragraph with this line: We're going to lose him, but we're not prepared to give up.

Small typos:
Either my parnter or myself
(By the way, it should be "my partner or I." The way to know is to leave off the second person and see how it sounds:
myself mutter one word.
I mutter one word.
This is the way I always check for myself, then I add the second person again: Either my partner or I mutter one word.")

heart beat is one word: "we have a heartbeat."

Punctuation:
Don't you dare die on us.", I tell him.
--should be
Don't you dare die on us," I tell him.

"Thank you",
-- "Thank you,"

The ending, the going home, was sweet:
I know how she feels, but I can't tell her that.
I loved how you slowed down the pace, let us know that she had a good place to go after the hectic night.

We tend to lose something of ourselves on calls like this.
--and this piece certainly showed us that. Well done.

Hope this review was helpful.

Cordially,

Starr**Leaf2*
55
55
Review of Chibi Chilli  
Review by Starr* Rathburn
Rated: E | (3.5)
How I love a good Hallowe'en story. I liked how you interpreted the prompt, in a certainly unusual way! Here's a few things I noticed; feel free to ignore anything you don't agree with. :D

You may want to make your paragraphs a bit shorter, looking for a change of subject or POV. For instance:
their pleas for food would be heard.
[new 'graph here]
Their female owner, the younger sister...

Also, by starting a new 'graph with these words:
It was Chibi who first ...it'll make more of an impact on the reader.

Be careful about using too much narration; it's better to "show, not tell."

little stuff:
soon they were itching
--were scratching

began to breath quicker
--to breathe


I love the name "Crumbles"! Thanks for sharing, it was a fun story to read. Hope this review was helpful.

Cordially,

Starr**Leaf2*


Cordially,

Starr**Leaf2*
56
56
Review of Locked Doors  
Review by Starr* Rathburn
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
You did a lot with a small am't of words! I could feel the uneasiness in the girls, I could feel the atmosphere you evoked. I was with them as they tried to escape!

My favorite lines:
That you?"

"What's me? I'm going upstairs."
Simply perfect! One of my favorite things is that Stacy is so self-reliant, instead of waiting for rescue.

Great read! I enjoyed it. Hope this review was helpful.

Cordially,

Starr*R
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
57
57
Review of Bus to Purgatory  
Review by Starr* Rathburn
Rated: E | (4.5)
he's been on the wrong bus the entire time.
!! that would be a bummer. So much wasted time. If you were to make this longer, my suggestion would be to make it so that he really needed to get back to his mom, raise the stakes a bit. But if you're happy with this as Flash, then disregard that. :)

You did a lot in only 299 words! I really enjoyed reading your story. The only typo/error I found was:
The bus intercom woke him,
* replace comma with period.

I'd put in a new paragraph between these two sentences:
He had to find out where he was. The counter disappeared...

A phrase I liked:
let’s do coffee for a start.

I was sorry that this ended so soon...seems like we could've learned much more about Jake, and his travels on that bus. I liked that the other people seemed to know where to go.

I tried hard to "earn" the GPs you offer, but there wasn't much I could find wrong w/ this cute, interesting story. Perhaps consider writing more about him and his bus ride.

Hope this review was helpful.

Cordially,

Starr*R
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
58
58
Review of Coffee and Korea  
Review by Starr* Rathburn
Rated: E | (4.5)
These lines made me smile:
I'll just come out and say it: I'm a coffee addict. It occurred to me when I had lived in Korea for only a year and already knew how to admit my problem in two languages.

I also grinned at
"5 scoops" and the line about sugar-water.

This whole piece is very witty and--for a fellow caffeine addict--easy to relate to. It really was like a little window into that culture and how different it is from ours. The only little suggestion I have is that it seems to end a bit abruptly. The beginning line is strong, and I saw no errors of grammar or spelling. I enjoyed reading your work.

Hope this review was helpful.

Cordially,

Starr*R
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
59
59
Review by Starr* Rathburn
Rated: E | (5.0)
Beautiful haiku. I imagine it took a while to discover these images in cycle this way, finding the right words to describe each precious moment. I loved reading this haiku, because I felt, for each moment, that I was living in that season. I live in Florida now, so I don't get to see the seasons any more.

My favorite stanza was the one about Winter, which is weird, cuz I don't like winter, but that one was so vivid and beautiful. My favorite line was:
Wind blown sail heels into foam.
Then takes wing - a Gull!

I really enjoyed reading your haiku. You're very good at it. :)

Cordially,

Starr*R
60
60
Review of Memories Unmade  
Review by Starr* Rathburn
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
He paused after the last question.
A great way to start an item, bringing the reader right in. I liked the POV used in this, the way that the reader is given a quick look inside these people's lives. I was actually sorry when the prose gave way to the poetry, as I enjoy a story better. The poem is OK, but I'd rather read about their lives in a story.

This reads a bit older than something a girl of 12 would write. But I was intrigued by the mention of her family.

The line I like most in your poem is
And the live oak said you would have electrified me
had I been so lucky as to glance to my right and catch your eyes.

Again, it's the voice, the "tone," that makes this so appealing, so my main comment is to hold on to that very interesting voice used. I saw no grammar or spelling mistakes.

Hope this review was helpful. I wish you much success with your novel, and in your writing.

Cordially,

Starr*R
61
61
Review by Starr* Rathburn
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi my friend, how are ya? I haven't seen you lately, so I thought I'd give a review. I chose this one because the title was irresistable!

I love this line!
That’d show the others he wasn’t a total fool.
Great characterization, a perfect example of showing instead of telling.

and slid off his stool, splashing beer down his front.
You remember I told you I was a bartender? I actually saw this happen, so I could see it clearly in my mind's eye. Too funny.

Knowing that you write SF/Fantasy, I almost expected Jack to actually get on a pig! lol

Great story with amazing characterizations for such a short piece. Glad I stopped by.

Your friend from the Darkside,

Starr.R*
62
62
Review of Timeless Memories  
Review by Starr* Rathburn
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi, I saw your posting at "Invalid Item"  so I thought I'd take a look at your story. Funny, I have a relative named Hazel...

You said this was your first attempt at dark fiction. That's great! It's always good to try to branch out a bit. I liked the tone of your story, the voice you used to tell the tale.

I saw one little typo:
grief of the striken families
* should be
stricken

And I, overwrought at the passing of my parents...
This paragraph is so full of emotion I can almost reach out and touch it. I also liked the circularity of the ending...one of my favorite ways to create a story.

Excellently done! I enjoyed reading this. Good luck in the contest.

Cordially,

Starr.R*
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
63
63
Review of Ol' Fat Charlie  
Review by Starr* Rathburn
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Well, this really is something out of the Twilight Zone, Bill! You had me doing a reading double-take, you know, the kind where you have to stop reading and go back to the top of the page to be sure you remember what you think you remember reading.

I always love cyclic tales of terror, and this one fits the, er...bill. heh I think you really captured the character of the man in his speech as he told his story to poor lil' Jack.

Nicely done, my dark friend.


Cordially,

Starr.r
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
64
64
Review of .45 God  
Review by Starr* Rathburn
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, I saw a link to this poem at Anthony D Redden 's Dark Poetry contest, and I liked the title so I thought I'd take a look.

I love these lines:

I won't let the blood stay in the veins
& it haunts me, languid

I like what it says, but I also like the way "lanquid" just hangs out there at the end, defiant somehow. Nicely done.

Cordially,

Starr*R
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

65
65
Review of Sign Here, Please  
Review by Starr* Rathburn
Rated: E | (5.0)
The pen has been passed on, from generation to generation of Americans. We must dip the pen of our ancestors into the ink of devotion and sign our names proudly. Not with a tiny scribble, but with a large flourish.

This is beautifully patriotic. I normally don't read historical works, as I had enough of history in High School (as most have!) But this essay drew me in quickly, and as I read, I realized how good of a persuasive writer you are. I saw no errors in grammar or spelling, at least not that I noticed! I was too caught up in the "story."

I think this is well presented and could easily be submitted to many different mags: Reader's Digest comes first to mind. So what are you waiting for? Get yourself a SASE and start submitting this! I'm sure it'll be published easily.

Cordially,

Starr.R*
66
66
Review of Darkness  
Review by Starr* Rathburn
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, and thanks for posting at "Invalid Item" .

I liked how you switched from
I am the one who hides with the dark.
to
I am the one who has befriended the dark. i}
I think it's good how you changed pace a bit with the first line of every other verse.

I like these lines:
I stay in this place to protect both worlds, yours and mine. I stay to protect the light and the darkness in my heart...

I'm not a poet, so I can't be very helpful, I'm afraid--but it certainly reads well to me.

Cordially,

Starr.R*
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
67
67
Review by Starr* Rathburn
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi, and welcome to W.com. I see you've only been here a few days. Hope you like it so far.

I was drawn right in by your first paragraph. I liked the way you wrote in parallell, including:
Now, right now, I am shorter and younger and whiter and weaker and cleaner than those around me.
This really brought me right into the scene, making me feel the tenseness that I imagined the character was feeling.

The story is filled with powerful, vivid images, such as this:
She says to them, quietly, as if she's the narrator in a story, "

This line--
I should pick the refuse up and place them in their trash cans, where they belong.
--wow. It gave me a shiver.

I'm the kind of person who always notices the grammar & such, but in this intense story, I really only noticed one:
In their circle of quiet[,] one of the older sons says to his mother...
I'm only mentioning this, because the lack of the comma makes it seem to read, "in their circle of quiet one." And anything that takes a reader out of the story, even for a moment, and it's so easily fixed, needs to be addressed. (You may want to double-check for other small errors like that. I was too involved in the story itself, cuz I was that caught up in it.)

I am impressed by this piece. I espc. liked your metaphors of trash, recycling, and what can be renewed. Wonderful writing here, and if this is a true sample of your ability, then I can only assume that you either are or will be published soon.

Cordially,

Starr.R*
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
68
68
Review of Apocalyptic Soul?  
Review by Starr* Rathburn
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
* Nice beginning; it interested me right away, drew me in, espc.
"She is helping me annihilate my dragons."

* Other lines I liked:
allowing me to contemplate my misery [I also liked how you intro'd Sanders, showing her gentleness].
I feel as though my spirit is alive
the emptiness that’s been my constant companion [such a vivid descrip of what depression can be.]
Olivia is as evanescent as ice under Spring’s hello

I liked this whole line, but especially the first words:
I want this moment to last, to lie down with it...

Your writing shows that you know how real depression can be; you have empathy for how a person can feel so weak and alone.
This piece has intense descriptions that bring a reader directly into the world of the writer.

And then you give the reader relief by using "blessed to be," giving us hope for this person. I had to take a moment to check the genres to see if this was under Personal or Autobiography, because the descriptions are so real.

* You have this great line: "I wonder if I can survive the memories"
...but it's spoiled by the preceding cliche:
I know that I must take one day at a time.

* I only noticed one small typo:
Sanders' insists it was part
[unnecessary apostrophe.]

* I would replace these commas with semi-colons:
the smell of his sour breath, only I heard the screams.
He couldn’t take my father’s place, my father died

* The paragraph that begins "I can't say for sure when it all began" seems very long; consider breaking it up into two.

This is a strong line: consider using it for your Brief Description:
How do you face a monster when it’s real?
Or maybe this one:
She is helping me annihilate my dragons.

As I read these lines, my own stomach started to clench in dread:
His footsteps were real. They shattered my sleep ...

It's a powerful story in many ways; it reads autobiographical, because the way it is told makes it seem so real, so immediate.

As always, these are only my opinions, so feel free to take what you agree with and discard the rest. I hope this review was helpful.

Cordially,

Starr* Rathburn
69
69
Review of Sushi  
Review by Starr* Rathburn
Rated: E | (4.5)
First of all, since our family loves sushi too, the first stanza made me smile. I love the rhyme scheme you used, too; it makes it so easy to read & enjoy.

My (Hawaiian) husband loves sticky rice, but our daughter and I prefer the jasmine rice. Well, except for when we make sushi; then we use the sushi rice, of course! ha.

I had to grin at "avocado...so green and slick"--that describes it exactly! I was unsure the first time, too.

I think my favorite stanza is the one that starts
"Now I eat sushi all the time..."
The ending line made me smile, too.

Well done! I really enjoyed reading this poem. I wouldn't change a thing.

Starr*R
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
70
70
Review of DOWNSTAIRS  
Review by Starr* Rathburn
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi again,

I'm actually unsure what you wanted in a review, even though I read your "thanks" essay. But the thing is--grammar & mechanics are what I'm good at, and so that's what I usually cover when I give a review. So, here goes, with my usual caveat--take what you like, and leave the rest!

First of all, I loved the comedy, and the way these two characters related to each other. That was the main reason I was interested in this story from the start. I loved the line that starts with
'I've seen horror films...

You're right; commas are a problem. See link at end of review for a book that I love for this stuff.
'I'm not going down there,' I said shaking my head.
* need a comma after
said

on the dark side isn't it.'
* need a comma after
side
(Hey, I love the Dark Side! ha.)

that they were laughing at me too.
* comma after
me

I said to Donna and she gripped my sleeve tighter.
* suggest changing "and" to "as"OR
add comma after
Donna

The door upstairs became as dark as
* this sentence is unclear.

everything they could to focus, I screamed
* change comma after "focus" to a period.

Typos:
Those insticts that were passed down...food in McDonalds...
* instincts
* McDonald's uses an apostrophe, for the possessive noun.
I straigtened up, my legs so weak
* straightened
too much to bare.
* bear
The light was bareable, it was
* bear
(bear·a·ble: adj. That can be endured: bearable pain.)
bearable, it was
* change comma to semi-colon
I bellowed a laugh and kised Donna
* kissed

my face as light, the brightest light I'd ever seen scratched
* comma after
seen

Yelling I covered them
Trembling I forced
* comma after
yelling
Trembling

got me good girl.'
* comma after
good

A problem with the following paragraph:
When you go from
There was somone else with me. Those instincts...
to
The instincts that only come back in the dark.
...the in-between phrasing is a bit choppy. You just start talking about instincts without any intro. IMO,it'd be better if you took the sentence
The instincts that only come back in the dark.
and put that at the beginning of that section, it would read clearer.

nitpicky things that you can ignore *Smile*:
coughed as the musty dust scraped
* would musty dust actually scrape, or do something else more clogging or whatever, since dust is usually soft?

the floor, it was as though it was tugging
* should be
the floor, as though it was tugging

* I think "buffallo" is misspelled, but it could be a regional spelling, so I'm unsure.

You definitely have a flair for description!
Lines I particularly liked:
Dust fairies danced around the light, spiralling, almost hypnotic as they skipped up and down the stairs.
* descriptive & almost poetic!

The light pierced the ...whole. Chomp.
* made me grin

flake like old sores from dead feet.

My heart made a run for my throat,

I have to tell you that around the time your Protag dropped his "torch," I became so caught up in the story that I almost forgot I was supposed to be doing a review!

I liked the final paragraph, as well. All in all, a very entertaining story. Glad I read it.
Hope this review is helpful!

Your friend from the Darkside,

Starr*R

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
71
71
Review of Farewell  
Review by Starr* Rathburn
Rated: E | (4.0)
I don't understand why this poem has low rates. I think it's much better than your last one that I read. This one really shows pain and loss. My sister recently lost a friend to suicide, and the things she's said to me reflects the things you wrote in this poem.

I loved these lines:
DEATH IS DARK AND LIFE IS WHITE
[and]
WHILE I LIVE IN A LIFELESS RAGE

There may be a word left out here?
I HAVE GIVE

It's a little hard to read because of being in all caps and written in grey; I think the poem would be improved if those two things were changed. (And you might get better ratings, too.)

Well done! Write on!

Cordially,

Starr*R
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
72
72
Review by Starr* Rathburn
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi, another Star! Thank you for posting at "Invalid Item" . My review is only my opinion; feel free to use what you like and ignore the rest. :)

First, I like the title you chose. I'm not a poet, but this reads a bit choppy to me. I can feel the anxiety you're trying to relate, but it could use more detail, more emotion. Think of the emotions you felt when you wrote:

everything brings fright
Describe the feelings that this fright brings...show the reader how this person felt while out there alone in the dark moonless night. Specific and concrete images is what Strunk & White says.

Hope this review is helpful! I'll put a link to S & W at the end of this review.

Cordially,

Starr.R*
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
ASIN: 0205313426
Amazon's Price: $ 8.88
73
73
Review by Starr* Rathburn
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hi, Thanks for posting at "Invalid Item" .

Have you ever heard the expression, in media res? It means, "in the middle," as in start your story as close to the main action as possible. I mention this because I think your story may be enhanced if you started it with tthe paragraph that begins with
She walked past him, looking at the freezers holding all the sweet delights...

This is just my opinion of course, so feel free to ignore it if you like. *Smile*

The last two paragraphs were very descriptive: a catalogue of horrors, so to speak.

I liked the line, "All I had to do was get home"
but I can't say the turnaround came as a surprise to me...mostly cuz I've written this sort of twist myself, I guess. And I always love to see the bad guy "get what he deserves."

Write on!

Cordially,

Starr*
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
74
74
Review of Waves  
Review by Starr* Rathburn
Rated: E | (4.5)
Great poem! I could almost feel the waves washing over me.

One of my favorite lines:
A merciful undertow of forgetfulness flows

One question: did you mean to write
a supernal mist?
(I'm feeling too lazy to go to dictionary.com right now. *Smile*)

JThe rhymes here were just right. I enjoyed reading this poem.

Your friend from the Darkside,
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
75
75
Review by Starr* Rathburn
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Before Crabapple Beach rolls over
in its sleep to dream
of summer people
who’ll desert it again...

Those first lines are simply beautiful! After those vivid words, who could resist reading on? I'm going to suggest this to the Poetry newsltr, so others can enjoy the simple beauty that you present here.

Thanks for taking me back to the beach, Joy. It IS always a joy to read your work.

Fondly,

Starr*
156 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 7 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/starr.r/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/3