Hi kippeake,
Since you asked me to help with the mechanics of dialogue, that's what this review will be about. If I make a suggestion that you don't understand or don't agree with, feel free to email me for clarification or a chat. :)
this pit." Said the
* should be this pit," said the
It started out slow-- slight movements a light thump, another thump, it began to rock higher on its stilted legs, thump, thump and thump, thump.
* I liked the way you repeated "thump," because it has the effect of onomatopoeia.
* This sentence should actually be two:
It started out slowly--slight movements[;] a light thump, another thump. It began to rock higher on its stilted legs[:] thump, thump and thump, thump.
OR, you could write:
It started out slowly--slight movements [;] a light thump, another thump, [then]it began to rock higher on its stilted legs[:] thump, thump and thump, thump.
“Don’t break the Chain!” The mesmerist warned.
* should be:
“Don’t break the Chain!” the mesmerist warned.
"What do you see?”
A chill, echoing voice came from the mesmerised girl.
“It’s a man in white robe standing over a great black pit, his followers are chanting something.”
* With these lines, it's unclear who is saying what. If the girl is saying "It's a man," then it should be written:
A chill, echoing voice came from the mesmerised girl. “It’s a man in white robe standing over a great black pit, his followers are chanting something.”
* That is, put the speaker in the same paragraph as the words s/he is speaking.
It's hard to tell when the two talk: at first I thought that the "tiny girl" and the "mesmerist" were the same person. Putting each person's dialogue in their own paragraph will solve that problem. For instance:
“I am the Opener of Ways, I am the scribe Ani, I am the way to Khert-Neter." The tiny spiritualist squirmed, blank white eyes staring, eyelids flickering. [add in missing end quotes after Neter.] (Can you stare if your eyelids are flickering? Just a thought.  )
To this child prodigy of the spiritualist world, sweet little Mercy Caldwell...
* You may want to put this explanation a little earlier in your narrative, as a way to help explain who is at this somewhat confusing scene. The way it's written, the reader almost has to go back and count the different characters to figure out who's at the table.
Other corrections:
“Awake Mercy,” the mesmerist said
* “Awake[,] Mercy,” the mesmerist said,
"Iaaaaooo, Heeeeee Heeeeeruuuuuuuuu,Heeeekaaa,hekaaaaaaaaa,Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"
* Things like this I would reduce to about 3-5 letters to get the point across more concisely. For example, you could stretch it out the first time to show what you mean, and after that just imply that it's the same drawn-out call.
Oh how awful, she thought, my big night
* it seems to be the convention now that a character's thoughts are shown by italics, rather than the same font as the rest of the narrative.
a spare servants room
* servant's
“What the hell are doing you quack!” A man said as he shouldered his way into the crowed little room.
* “What the hell are [you] doing[,] you quack!” a man said yelled as he shouldered his way into the crowed crowded little room.
-- out of here.” Roared Alberto.
* --[one less space here] out of
--out of here,” roared Alberto.
Colonel Edmond concentrated his look on Alberto for a moment then said.
“Maybe I was wrong about you Doctor.”
* [should be] Colonel Edmond concentrated his look on Alberto for a moment then said, “Maybe I was wrong about you[,] Doctor.”
Amanda sobbed. Holding Colonel Edmond tightly, as he stoked her strawberry blond hair. She pulled back, “Why does this always happen to me… me, I am ruined."
* Amanda sobbed, holding Colonel Edmond tightly, as he stRoked her strawberry blond hair. She pulled back[.] “Why does this always happen to me? I am ruined."
at the age of 11 and the toast of Europe by 15.
* Most numbers should be spelled out. There are many books you can get that explains this; it's too much to type at this time.
“Let me through!” Commanded
* “Let me through!” commanded
at the least!” Threatened Colonel
* at the least!” threatened Colonel
I think you get the idea, from the examples above, so I don't think I need to continue. Just look for other instances like I just showed.
Lines I liked:
A bane to our kind,
Beware of a curious mind.
racing like the hearts of the awestruck socialites.
Objects fell from the air, as if dropped by a careless child.
I think you have a good grasp of showing with your description, so if you concentrate on the mechanics of writing, you'll easily improve the way you present your story--and that's what makes people want to read on.
It's not enough to have "just a good story," people need to be able to easily read and understand what you're saying. Readers shouldn't have to go back to try to figure out who's speaking, or try to figure out what the author wants to say. Like I said in an email, there are TONS of fabulous writing books at the library--go to section 808 and knock yourself out! If you have a love of words--and I believe you do--you'll enjoy learning the mechanics of writing.
If you haven't yet checked out Strunk & White's The Elements of Style, now is a good time. It's a book that belongs on every writer's shelf, IMO. (see below for Amazon link.)
I hope this review was helpful. You have a good story to share...keep writing!
Your friend in the Darkness,
Starr*R
| ASIN: 0205313426 |
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Amazon's Price: $ 8.88
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| ASIN: 0898797764 |
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Amazon's Price: $ 9.63
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