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101
101
Review by Starr* Rathburn
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
My favorite stanza is this:

"How is it you run
From something within?"
That I may never get away
Frightens me further...

I also like how she can laugh at the nightmare once she wakens, yet knows it will return another night. I'd say this can easily fit into other genres, should you want to try to increase your readership. I can think of several: psychology, thriller, gothic, supernatural, etc. I am a writer of psychological thrillers, and I often use my own nightmares as a springboard.

Nightmares are something everyone can relate to, something that everyone knows will "get them" on some nights. I think this poem has done a good job of reflecting that general feeling of being afraid that everyone has at some time in their lives.

Cordially,

Starr*
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I came to your port via the "Invalid Item" , by the way.
102
102
Review of She Wrote  
Review by Starr* Rathburn
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
HI, AngelEyes! I saw your entry in the 'Struck by Lightning' FF contest, so I thought I'd take a look. Here are some suggestions for your story.

Ethan was gone, “He cannot be gone.
I'd change the comma to a period. Also, "gone" is repetitious: I'd change one of those sentences so that it reads differently, or just get rid of the second sentence. Try something like:
She wrote in her diary that Ethan was gone. “Ethan! I cannot live if I never see him again. It can't be true ..."
(Well, that's not very good, but it's only an example. *Smile*)

Immediately after it she’d had a
What does "it" refer to? If you want to keep it a surprise, that's OK, but meanwhile you should still use a concrete word rather than "it." Perhaps "Immediately after the incident" or even "Immediately after it happened..."

it was almost fun to watch there
*should be
their

as if asking why. “You bore me Ethan.
*should start a new paragraph with "You bore me, Ethan."
Also, a comma is needed after "me."
What bothers me about this is that it doesn't seem to be enough motivation. I mean, if you showed us that she was crazy, or (my favorite) he cheated on her, or her hungering for that power--it might help to explain, but the way it is now...I'm sorry, but it's just not enough, IMO. Perhaps you could talk more about the power she felt, how she desired it, that sort of thing.

thorough with it would you?
*should be
thorough with it[,] would you?

She didn’t think he’d caught the end bit because
*would be more powerful like this:
He didn't catch the end bit because

twenty year old
*should be
twenty-year-old

Lines I liked:
-- It was a pile of clichés, but then that’s what people would expect from a twenty-year-old who had lost her soul mate.
--The eruption of power ...
(I liked that because it showed her turning from one kind of character to another, more powerful one.)

I also liked the last line. You have a darkness in you, my friend, that I like and appreciate. Keep writing those dark tales!

Hope this review was helpful. As always, take what you like and ignore the rest. If you decide to rework it and you want me to take another look, just let me know. May the Muse be with you, my friend!

Cordially,

Starr*
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103
103
Review of Thomas' Pain  
Review by Starr* Rathburn
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
What a fun story! It was well-written, as well. I didn't notice any obvious errors, and that's something that just about always catches my eye.

The one thing I would change is the brief description, which gives away what Thomas is too soon, IMO. I think that the way you tell us what he is in the story itself is soon enough. Leave a little to keep us guessing, you know what I mean? :)

I loved the understatement in this line:
Apparently, he and his people were being prepared for some unholy ritual, in which they would be slaughtered and ceremonially eaten.

Thank you for sharing your entertaining story with us! Hope this review (such as it was--I didn't have much to say) was helpful!

Cordially,

Starr*
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104
104
Review by Starr* Rathburn
Rated: E | (4.5)
Interesting beginning. I like that we'll be seeing this thru a child's eyes.

Our starship landed in a remote area of the planet called the Mojave Desert.
The way this is written makes it look like the name of the planet is "Mojave Desert."
Also, I suggest that you may want to say something about how the name is not said as it's spelled. Sure, we "Earthlings" know this, but the writer of this letter wouldn't. How would she go about explaning this to her friend?

The legs move so that the body can walk.
I loved this whole paragraph! The way you described it was very entertaining.

They had been busy trying to hold each other up
Is this because of the change in gravity? Would it even matter? (What do I know? *Smile*)

Earth artifacts fair
*should have caps:
Earth Artifacts Fair

All in all, I enjoyed this story. You really captured her enthusiasm well. Hope this review was helpful!

Cordially,

Starr*
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105
105
Review by Starr* Rathburn
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, First of all, thank you for posting at "Invalid Item" . What follows is my opinion only; please feel free to take what you like and leave the rest. :)

I think that the words from your second 'graph would make a more powerful opening:
I cannot recall how long I have been in this place.

This story has a lot of passive sentence constructions; although I believe it's because you're trying to create and sustain a certain mood, you may want to consider using it a bit less. Perhaps try to recast some of the sentences into more active statements, to see if you like them better that way.

I am a fan of Lovecraft, so I liked reading your story connections. I think that the part where the reader "sees" the characters comes to life more than the parts that came before. Those are more active scenes, enabling the reader to have a character to connect with more than the sort of ethereal one that we are first introduced to.

I hope that my opinion does not stop you from continuing to try to create mood and atmosphere in your work. My suggestion is to try to add more active scenes in with the first part, to liven it up a bit more, giving the reader something to 'hang on' to.

I hope this review is helpful.
Cordially,
Starr*
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May the Muse be with you! :)
106
106
Review of Possession  
Review by Starr* Rathburn
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
This is an amazing story, my friend! The beginning was superb--it drew me right in. I was even too engrossed in reading it to take notes for review. (I vaguely remember seeing some missed punctuation near the beginning; a comma or period at the end of a quote, I think), and a misspelled word somewhere, but that's it.)

The characters came alive (so to speak, haha), espc. Miss Grange and of course, Tony. It's nice to read a horror story without a sense of deja vu for a change.

Well done! I hope it gets published--it deserves it.

As ever,

Starr*
107
107
Review by Starr* Rathburn
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
I thought this was a great story! Rich characterization, and an interesting take on the Frankenstein's monster theme. (In fact, had I not read your Brief Descrip, I might not have thought of that monster.)

I liked the way you sort of changed back and forth between the SF aspect and the horror aspects of the story. And, of course, I liked the way that Jane got the best of her captor. Good story!

As ever,
Starr*
108
108
Review of Venus De Milo  
Review by Starr* Rathburn
Rated: E | (4.5)
WOW. You did a lot with such few words. So much emotion, so much potential in just a few sentences. The ending surprised me; I was going by your descrip which said "A whiny poem," so that's what I was expecting. What a nice surprise to see that your poem wasn't like that at all. I think it is quite powerful.

The only suggestion I have here is that you might want to change that brief descrip to something tht might make people more willing to read it. Perhaps something as simple as "heart of stone."

Write on!

Cordially,
Starr*
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109
109
Review by Starr* Rathburn
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This poem has such a great "sound" to it...I can just "hear the atmosphere" as I read it.

I really love these lines:
I want the tears of my loved ones
To get lost in the heavy rain.

Only one little nitpicky thing: in this line--
Let a gust of wind sweep their souls away
who is "they?" Doesn't seem like you'd be talking that way about "loved ones."

Great poem!
Thanks for posting at "Invalid Item"  !

Cordially,
Starr*
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110
110
Review of Hurricane Rita  
Review by Starr* Rathburn
Rated: E | (4.0)
Good beginning; brings the reader right in.

The cemeteries in Galveston Island sit along main roads, headstones fitted tight onto the property lines.
*That's quite an image!

Some little things I noticed:

three days before anticipated onslaught,
*may want to add a word:
three days before the anticipated onslaught,

hurricane I experienced, Alicia came
*need another comma:
hurricane I experienced, Alicia, came

over kneww deep in water from flooding
*knee deep

shreiking as if the ghosts
*should be: shrieking

destroy what's in it's path.
*its path.
[it's means either
it is or it has.]
should be: destroy what's in its path.

Mmany folks are

pick up thier history
*their

This was an informative article, well-written and researched. Interesting without being a bunch of dry numbers. YOu used some nice imagery in your sentences.
Some other great lines I noticed:
--and the broken New Orleans bowl.
--shreiking as if the ghosts of the lost wail in sorrow.
--One feels for the old who must pick up thier history as well as their lives

I thought there was a lot of emotion in your work. Nice job.

Starr*
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111
111
Review by Starr* Rathburn
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hi,

I saw a link to this at "Invalid Item" . I think it's a marvelous idea. Sorry to hear about your niece, but she sounds like a young lady who has a good head on her shoulders. My daughter complains about unspecific pain, and now, because of this contest and the information you gave, I'm going to ask her dr. to check her out with that in mind. THANK YOU!

To help say thanks, I will carry a link to this contest in my sig block, put this review on Public, and link it in the Contest Page when you haven't done so. I hope that these little things will help to promote your contest.

Cordially,

Starr*
112
112
Review of The Interview  
Review by Starr* Rathburn
Rated: E | (5.0)
Had no one 'gotten it?' Not even Laura?
Oh, wow. That line made me shiver.

I was so caught up in Laura's story that I didn't notice much of anything else. That is, I was too spell-bound to even think of typos, etc. And once I finished reading this powerful account, I didn't feel able to go back thru it again. But here are a couple things I noticed:

woman in her mid seventies who
*should be
mid-seventies

Perhaps ten minutes had passed and still, the bordom was palpable in the classroom.
*should be boredom

He has a bracelet too.
*missing the closing quote marks there.

This Interview...wow. That's all I can say. I remember seeing books that said "Never forget!" and yet here is an example of how time can change things.
Thank you for sharing this powerful account with us.
I'll be thinking about it long after I shut off the computer tonight.

Starr
113
113
Review by Starr* Rathburn
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
HI again,

Since you asked me for help with your first story, I'm glad to take a look at it. You have two characters here that love each other, and they have a conflict, and that's a good start, because most people can relate to that.

The thing I'm best at is the mechanics of writing, so this review will be covering those areas.

Now, the first thing you have to do is learn about formatting. For example, each speaker gets their own paragraph.

He paced around looking when he walked up to a woman and asked, "Don't I know you?"

"I'm sorry I don't think you do." She said smiling.

"Yes I do know you. You went to my high school."

The woman smiled and said, "Well I don't know for sure. How about you refresh my memory."

Other things:
When a sentence in dialogue ends, it's usually followed by a comma, like so:
"I'm sorry, I don't think you do," she said smiling.

You'll see that I added commas in other places, too:
and asked, "Don't I know you?"
The woman smiled and said, "Well, I don't

Typo:
Theres
*should be
There's

My suggestion is to get some good books on punctuation and grammar and really give them a chance. They're not all boring, I promise! *Smile*
These are very important aspects to writing, because there are many people who won't read a story if it has too many errors.

There are two books that I highly recommend; they'll help you get started toward writing stories you'll love:

ASIN: 0060545690
Amazon's Price: $ 11.69

and
ASIN: 0898798213
Amazon's Price: $ 21.98


Meanwhile, keep writing and keep dreaming! Remember that it's important to create characters that people can relate to--so show us their dreams, their sorrows, what makes them tick.

Hope this review was helpful to you. If you'd like me to rate and review this again after you've worked on it, just let me know. I'll be happy to do so. *Smile*

Cordially,

Starr*
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114
114
Review by Starr* Rathburn
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Great opening line!

I liked this:
Why now at 3 am, why not at 11 or 12 when the noise would be at its worst.
Good point! *Smile*

a few things I noticed:
on the towns landscape
*should be
town's

3 am, the chiming of a grandfather clock rang out through the asylum disturbing
*should be
Three
[always spell out numbers, espc. when it begins a sentence].
*Also, you might try it this way:
At three a.m., the chiming of a grandfather clock rang out through the asylum,

Why now at 3 am, why not at 11 or 12 when the noise would be at its worst.
*should be
Why now at three a.m., why not at eleven or twelve, when the noise would be at its worst ?

Just then the voices of a thousand tortured souls began to echo ...
This is rather cliché--you may want to find a "fresher" way to describe to the reader what you want him to see.

on...

off...

I liked the way you did that. Some nicely tense moments in this piece.

And...with my dark mind, I got to the end and wondered, so did Alex send him there to get rid of him? Bad girl! heh heh

Hope this review is helpful. May the Muse be with you!

Cordially,

Starr*
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115
115
Review by Starr* Rathburn
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This is an excellent line, very revealing about the characters:
There was a glint of gold about her neck with the movement and Desmona felt a deep pain in her heart. Her mother was wearing the gold necklace Desmona had saved for months to purchase for her on Mother's Day.

I enjoyed reading your Mirror story. The character of Desmona was interesting and sympathetic.

Starr*
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Reviewed for the "Invalid Item"  group.
116
116
Review of Internet Date  
Review by Starr* Rathburn
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I really liked the rhymes and the sense of fun in this poem. The only stanza/verse that didn't quite read as well was the third one. That one sort of broke the rhythm. But the last one made me grin, and overall, I enjoyed reading your poem.

Write on!

Cordially,
Starr*
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117
117
Review of Thunder  
Review by Starr* Rathburn
Rated: E | (3.0)
May I tell you something? Don't be offended, but you must never write "nothing special" on your work. No one will take your work seriously if you do so. Think of the Brief Description as your chance to tempt readers into your world; give them a reason to want to read your work.

Now, on to the review. As always, take what you like and feel free to ignore the rest of my comments.
My comments will go by the Edit Points that are in your story. I'm assuming that you have them there because you want a detailed review. I will do my best to help. *Smile*

1. You may want to try for more immediate terms, such as:
thunder could be was heard off in the distance and once in a while a sharp streak of lightning would light lit up ...

2. Nice description here; I could see the storm. A small error here:
At first the rain came light and soft, then hard and loud. The large droplets pelting the roof
*should be:
then hard and loud, the large droplets pelting the roof...

3. The smell of spring in the air.
* should be
The smell of spring was in the air.
This passage is nice, but you may want to get a little more action into the story. So far, we have a nice description of a storm, but not much more.

4. She did this in a heavy downpour? Hmmm. It reads like they're out there on a quiet summer night. You *may* want to tell the reader just why they're doing this.

moving closer to him and rested her head on his shoulder.
*should be:
moving closer to him. She rested her head on his shoulder. OR
moving closer to him, she rested her head...

5. He stroked her arm add comma here hoping she was not cold.
*The trouble with this paragraph is that you have changed the POV from hers to his, without warning. Generally, you want to stay with the same character in a piece as short as this.

I think that this vignette shows some potential for these characters. Keep writing! Never give up.
Hope this review was helpful! If you'd like me to re-rate this for you at a later date, just let me know.

Cordially,

Starr*
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118
118
Review of Trapped  
Review by Starr* Rathburn
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
WOW! What a story this tells! I love how you show the cliche` "Cradle to the grave" without it becoming a cliche`.

I'm going to suggest this to the W.com Poetry newsletter. This deserves more attention. This one really got me, Scarlet. I can see why you wrote, " I even scared myself!" This is a subject & theme lots of people can relate to.

Write on, my friend!

Starr*
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119
119
Review of The Nice Ones  
Review by Starr* Rathburn
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Well, this was different. *Smile*
I thought that, for such a short piece, your characterizations were strong. I still have no idea why they're doing this, but I guess that's your intention?

It jiggled slightly, like a water balloon held in an unsteady hand.
Excellent simile!

Even the newborn hadn't cried.
That gave me a terrible chill.

"What time ya got," the bald man asked.
*should be
"What time ya got?" the bald man asked.

Write ON!

Cordially,

Starr*
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120
120
Review of Mamie est partie  
Review by Starr* Rathburn
Rated: E | (4.5)
I loved this line:
When she felt well enough to enjoy the journey
And not well enough to postpone it,

I also liked the lines that began
When she was tired

One little thing:
grand children
*should be
grandchildren

French is such a beautiful language; I'm sorry that I no longer remember how to read it. (Too many years have passed by.)

Thank you for sharing this lovely poem. I thought it really captured the ending of a life; those last days, and the days that followed.

Cordially,

Starr*
121
121
Review of The Sentinel  
Review by Starr* Rathburn
Rated: ASR | (4.0)

Great opening line; pulls the reader right in. Vivid description brought me right into the scene. I could just see that poor watchman.
After reading the last line, I thought: but doesn't that god want to drink his blood?
(LOL, gory-minded me!)

Nitpiks:

green faced
* should be
green-faced

I never care for the phrase had been literally, because too few people know the difference between "literally" and "figuratively." (That's not the case here, of course.) But anyway, the phrase is too cliche` for a story like this.

But not a bad short-short!

This review can also be seen at "Horror Luvrs "R" We the forum" .

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122
122
Review of Ritual  
Review by Starr* Rathburn
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hi,

I liked your brief description; it certainly made me want to read on. You have a good opening line, though the second sentence is so long that it tends to distract from that a bit. A suggestion would be to try to tighten up the first paragraph--but keep that first line. *Smile*

A peel of laughter rang
* should be peal

looming like the jaws of a great beast, ready to swallow him, to bury him in deepest darkness, lay the path that lead down the hill, through the woods and to his safe home.
*That's a mixed metaphor; you're saying that it'll lead him to safety, yet also saying it's like a dangerous beast. Suggestion: choose one or the other.
(Also, it's a run-on sentence that could easily be two.)

he turned his eyes from the gaping maul.
*This makes no sense. Even if you're referring back to "a great beast," there's the problem w/ that mixed metaphore. [And I"m not sure, but I think you mean maw, not maul. Maul--to rip apart. Maw--a large opening, sometimes referring to a mouth.]

There were several little typos, including the following:
On this, the final night of Octobrer
As he ran, he hea4d
without a moments hesitation
Jed lepta as the dog
Suggestion: always proofread your work
(espc. for typos) before entering it in a contest.

I feel I must tell you: your story would be easier to read if you would double-space your paragraphs. I hesitated to read this when I saw the long block of print. Suggestion: break up your paragraphs more often, and always double-space between.
Also, the very last line of your work, which should always be the strongest, is detracted from by the very length. That's a run-on sentence that almost could be three separate ones.

Your strong points are description, though, and the evoking of a mood, as well as the dialogue. You certainly set the stage for your story; it brought me to that place, that time. The story is an interesting one, but could be made much better by paying more attention to the little things I mentioned. (Espc. the run-on sentences.)

Hope this review was helpful to you.

Cordially,

Starr*
I found this story at the "Invalid Item" 
123
123
Review by Starr* Rathburn
Rated: E | (5.0)
My goodness, it seems that you have a very successful forum & group here. I'm quite impressed. I'm always glad when I see in-depth reviews on the Public Reviews page, and I almost always check out the reviewer's port (that is, if the review itself is good & not overly-full with errors). It's nice to know that there's a group like this that also gives out 'monetary' rewards. Not every writer is kind enough to say thanks for a good review, so it's nice to know that your group sort of fills in the gaps.

I also liked your gracious words in the forum:
We only ask that if you complain, you remember to be kind and gentle.

Congratulations on your success!

Aloha,

Starr*
124
124
Review by Starr* Rathburn
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
You know you're addicted when....

You constantly have a little window at the top of your monitor that says
____ [item #] successfully added to your favorites!

Which I've just done with this one. What fun, thanks!

Starr*
125
125
Review of Temet Nosce  
Review by Starr* Rathburn
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)

This line reads a bit strangely, almost as if asking to be read literally:
My smoke, billowing out of me at regular intervals, would reach out to these strangers.

You might consider dividing the following two sentences into separate paragraphs, since a long block of text can put off some readers. There are several very long paragraphs like this, so you may want to consider their effects upon readers, and consider breaking them up a bit more.
unable to carry away my exhaust.
New 'graph here These passersby, offended at being poisoned and taken out of their dream state

About these lines, which seem to belabor the point a bit:
These passersby, offended at being poisoned and taken out of their dream state, cast sharp glances at me, briefly quickening their pace to avoid even the tiniest of contact with the offending wisp. There was a time when smoking was considered sophisticated. Now, the smoker is nothing more than a leper or a carrier of some unknown yet highly contagious disease to be avoided at all costs. Except, that is, in the factory.

Stephen King's advice on this subject is--
__________
Remove every extraneous word.
You want to get up on a soapbox and preach? Fine.
Get one and try your local park. You want to write for money? Get to the point. And if you remove all
the excess garbage and discover you can't find the point, tear up what you wrote and start all over again . . .

from
http://www.icestormcity.com/rumble/king.html
__________


I don't mean to sound cruel; sorry if it comes off that way. But it seems like the reader has to go thru a lot before getting to the 'meat' of the story.
You may want to consider saving some of the background to use in other parts of the story, instead of sort of overwhelming the reader with it all at once.
We (writers) need to get the readers' attention right away, so we need to grag them by their emotions, you know what I mean? And to do that, we have to show character emotions.
Not to say you must change this--it's only my opinion. I just found it hard to get thru all this when I didn't yet know who the narrator was.

Plus ca change, plus c'est la meme chose.
The convention used to be to put foreign phrases in italics, but that may have changed. Glad that you, unlike some writers, added the translation. I hate it when a book is filled with, for instance, in Agatha Christie's books, French, and she just assumed that anyone reading them also knew French....
Anyway, I digress. Sorry!

For all of our ideas, Brent and I would be at the plant again on Monday and some bar on Friday.
Aw, how sad. And yet how that one line really
shows their character.

These lines read a bit awkwardly. They're too much like run-on sentences.
"I look at your shirt, TEMET NOSCE, know yourself. I thought I did, but until tonight I failed to really grasp what we are doing, evading reality.
It was a sad smile, I realized he would never come out of this fantasy world.
[Also, made up stranger
should be made-up.]

the pack of cigarettes. I would not need them anymore
Although this has 'a nice ring to it', I don't really buy it with this character. After all his obsessing with cigarettes throughout the entire story...
then again, he does sort of have a history of fooling himself, so I guess it is in character, after all. *Smile*

So anyway, I hope you don't think I was too hard on you. I've seen your other work and know that your writing is good. I think that with a bit of work on the characterizations of your story people, this has potential. Good luck, and happy writing!

Hope this helps.
This review can also be found at "Invalid Item" .
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Aloha,
Starr*
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