Oh, this was really fun to read! You did such a good job of setting the scene, and showing the reader the funny side of the story.
I certainly wouldn't chose eating quills as the "proper" way to suicide! LOL I can't even imagine how much it hurt to have that thing pulled out--and the day afterward, too! yikes.
It's cool that you could turn a trial like this into a humorous story. I didn't click on it because of the green ribbon, but because of the great Short Description you had. If everyone wrote descrips like that, fewer people would complain that "no one reads my stuff."
You do wonderful work here. This group has given upgrades to many of my friends. It was a wonderful idea, and I'm glad to see that you're so successful. Keep up the good work! Here's a few GPs to help keep it going.
What a wonderful first line! A lot of this reminded me of the feelings I had for my own dad.
"You see men like my father don’t get sick and they definitely don’t die. At least not until they are 100 and die in their sleep peacefully."
How true, how true!
This was a beautifully touching tribute to your dad.
Now...the reason I read this is because I’m the editor for the upcoming Writers' Circle newsletter for May 26th. In this issue, I'm concentrating on items that people have written for family members, especially tributes to family. This story fit in this category very well, so if it's OK with you, I'd like to use it. Thanks.
If you're interested in the newsletter but not yet signed up, click here:
I really like your first four lines, and how the fourth line echoes and underscores the title.
I also liked this line: My eyes of faith are torn away-
I thought this was an emotional poem, written about a subject that will always be painful.
Now, I'm no poet, so I can't be of much help, but I do want you to know that I thought your poem was well done.
This was interesting and unusual. I'm guessing that you wrote it for Rhyssa's picture contest, the one with the man standing with children? I like what you did with this.
It took me a few paragraphs to get into it, because you used several cliches. But the story got better the more I read, and I ended up liking it.
Do you know you have some formatting problems with this story? Perhaps it looks ok on your screen, but on mine it looks like an email forward. Have you tried looking at it from the Public View?
Not that this matters a lot, but some writers on this site do like to have their story look as good as it reads, so I point out these things sometimes.
Anyway, hope this was helpful. I enjoyed your story.
Hi, Pam.
This was a very powerful poem! The casualties of spousal abuse and anger are so wide-reaching, more than anyone could know.
This line was chilling:
They’re coming closer; they’re on the stairs.
The rhyme scheme is just about perfect (to my non-poet ears), and as we read each line, the stress-factor grows.
I like the way you say "so far away", yet she can hear every word, and the way they escalate. (The rhyming was perfect in the quoted lines, as far as I could tell. They sounded good aloud, that's for sure!)
The last two lines--wow! They really got to me.
Only found one small typo, in your descrip:
A little girl hears her parents last fight.
*should be parent's, because it's possessive.
Fabulous poem! I like this one best of all of yours that I've read. This one says so much! You have some great lines in there, like:
Here on this dark street
Your voice echos in my ears
A small suggestion: try--
We've had a few beers
Your voice echos in my ears
should be: echoes
and, As he gets in the drivers seat
"driver's" need an appostrophe, for possessive.
I also like the whole stanza that begins with: I know the car is moving
Reading these lines made my heart skip a beat, since I'm a parent: I know it's after eleven o'clock
Everything else is unclear
and I never took time to think
He was a friend, not a stranger
You have a very powerful poem here. Excellent work!
Starr
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