This was a great ride (and read). You let the details of the story be the drama without forcing it. Oftentimes people make the mistake of thinking they need to sell the drama. In a scene like this with Megan telling Ellie what's what, I thought you handled it very well. I particularly enjoyed your analagy of Megan and Ellie being like the sun and moon, well done. Also, liked that Megan still had a sense of humor despite her situation, its consistent with her character and shows the reader she is deserving of Ellie's respect The piece comes full circle very well. Your analagy with the news hitting like a concrete truck is good, I would get rid of the word "friggin" for a more dramatic affect. Some may be distracted by the word instead of the impact of the terrible news, just a thought.
Unrequited love is a fear everyone can relate to. Its the half of love that makes love so hard. Your piece is honest and therefore effective, no sugar-coating which is always refreshing. We can all relate to these thoughts in the dark, well done!
Shocking and haunting scene first thing on a Sunday morning, well done! I enjoyed how this piece developed, it was completely unexpected. Nice touch, ending with the beeping microwave, it lets the reader know this all took place in a very short amount of time.
Good piece about the conflict of sharing and childhood that works in an effective and effecient way. We can all relate either to Billy or his brother, or their mother. Maybe just a way to make it snap alive a little more would be to describe the street, or yard where they are playing or maybe something about the weather, one more little detail that would give the reader the scene a little more depth.
The reader needs to have some idea why the protagonist is starting over. Sounds like the husband and the job are missing now. Having two things missing is a good way to make the characters attempt to start over more complicated. You don´t have to give it all away at once, just give the reader a tidbit, one detail that will peak their interest. The cat and the couch are nice ways of showing that the character still appreciates the little things, the character is presented as not bitter about having to start over.
Your first chapter is intriguing and makes the reader want to read on. It might be helpful to give another small reference or tidbit or bizarre detail about the hunters habits to peak interest and get the reader up to speed with the situation in "the wilderness". Maybe the cop is from the Rural Protection Unit or something similar to let the reader know that their is a noticeable (and dangerous)difference between the cities and the abandoned land between them. Maybe a report coming over his radio? It would be sublte and unobtrusive to the flow. Just a thought. Its off to a good start. Good luck!
Great beginning, I was hooked right away. Shocking realization that this isn't a guy who didn't make it to the top, the guy has made it as far as he can go within the sport. Nice seeing the accomplished pro is still in love with the simple game he has loved all his life. Great tension building with the crowd as well. We all have those moments filled with pressure and self-doubt and need that one thing that reassures us, you captured that perfectly. The end is very effective. The ball is gone, his job is over and so is the story. Well done!
Your story "Thanks Dad" got me interested in more of your work. Your wife is right, you are good. Keep writing. This is a story any married man can relate to. You do a great job in making Shannon as tempting as possible which is important to Evan making a decision. (good for Evan for not giving in to temptation!) I liked the edge of sanity's cliff but then the precipice of disaster used later was too much like a cliff for me, maybe a different analogy could be used, just a thought. Your dialog was realistic. What if Evan makes all the right decisions and Mia still leaves? I think it would have a much greater impact on people. Again, just a thought.
This my first review...EVER!
This experience sounds like the most traumatic thing that could happen to someone, but its over too quick before we feel it like we should. Don't know if there was a word limitation for the story. When Tyler says, "I tried to keep my cool" there isn't enough before hand to tell us as the reader why he could be so upset. After a night of drinking, we've all gone to the shower by memory alone and we would think nothing of it. Great job of not wanting Tyler to admit to himself that he was blind, its difficult to admit something so traumatic to oneself and keeps the possibility that something else has happened. You do a good job of including the other senses besides sight, such as smells, sound but you should have more of it, perhaps short sentences of random things Tyler hears, smells, feels, etc. that he hasn't noticed before to make the reader feel how disoriented Tyler after having lost his sight. I think you the story is good but you have to get more desperation across to the reader.
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/steelmetro
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.17 seconds at 3:25am on Apr 26, 2024 via server web1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
