|Thanks for your entrée in The Midnight Buffet competition. I enjoyed reading your story. I love the way you used the prompts and I thought the premise for the story was both entertaining and original. Very X-Files-ish, which is right up my alley.
You had a great hook. I think your beginning paragraph was compelling. It made me curious as to what, exactly, had ended so simply and drew me right into the story.
The details you threw into the story were what really brought it to life for me. For example, I loved this line: He found it a strange twist that here in the middle of a town with less than 800 people, they found it necessary to wash their cars. Southerners, he thought, can't keep their mouths clean and a family feed, but can find the $15 a week to wash their vehicles! Great.
And here's just a silly little nitpick but I laughed a little when I read about the $500,000.00 home in the Hamptons. Being from Long Island originally myself, I'd venture to say that I don't there are too many homes going for $500,000.00 there. Probably more like 4 times that. LOL. And that's a conservative estimate.
Just a few small typos that I noticed:
-- In the second paragraph "half way" should be one word, "halfway".
-- In the third paragraph, "black berry" should also be one word, "blackberry".
-- In this piece (Auto parts store so the local boys had way to repair their toys it looks like it should either be "a way" or "ways".
I know you've only recently joined our little community here and that you put this story together at the last minute for the Midnight Buffet, so I don't want to nitpick too much on grammar, spelling, and the like because I know that'll come with an edit. I think you did a great job with the amount of time you had to put this together. Kudos to you for that.
One suggestion I would make in the larger picture of the story, would be to get into the heart of the plot sooner. You have some great stuff here -- it just starts fairly late into the story. Your hook is good. I think you just need to get into the meat of it a little bit sooner.
Again, this is a great story, and please remember that my suggestions are only one person's opinions. Ultimately, only you know what's right for your story.
Thank you again for entering my contest. I really enjoyed reading this.