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Review Requests: ON
1,912 Public Reviews Given
1,966 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Minimalist. Focus on technical. I also look at how a work would fit into the traditional publishing landscape. I don't use a template. Warning: I am Australian, and so cultural differences may apply.
Favorite Genres
Most, really.
Least Favorite Genres
Fan-fiction
Favorite Item Types
Short stories and essays.
I will not review...
I will not review porn, fan-fiction or pro-religious/OTT-pro-USA essays. No interactives either, please.
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review by S 🤦 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
This came up on 'Read & Review.'

A nice little tale of re-meet cute. Finding an old email account and going in to get an email from an olde lover when life might be not the best is the sort of dream many of us have. This is where my only story issue comes - I think you need to indicate when the email had been sent. If this was in 2018, would it be even worth conmsidering? If it was 2 years ago, why bother? But if it was 2 months ago... this is the sort of thing many of us would do.

The other thing is formatting. You have carriage returns at the end of every line. Not needed and it did make it feel like it was supposed to be free form poetry when I first started it.

Technically, 2 things: 1) Why the asterisks? 2)If the writing in italics comes from the same person you do not need the closing quotation marks at the end of each paragraph. You have them at the start of each, yes, but only at the end of the final direct speech (per se) para.

So a fun little bit of flash fiction. Good luck going forward.


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2
2
Review of Feelings  Open in new Window.
Review by S 🤦 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
This came up on 'Read & Review.'

A fun little meet-cute; it feels like a story version of the song 'Save The Last Dance For Me.' The spoken language did feel a little stilted, but if this was set in Victorian times, then maybe that would be understandable.

It read well, and fitted into the flash fiction sphere nicely. Technically, you need to watch some of your punctuation of direct speech.

So, a fun little story. Good luck going forward.


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3
3
Review by S 🤦 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
This came up on 'Read & Review.'

The story of a young boy having to come to grips with an uncomfortable mental state and realising he has family is one that too many do not follow or seem to understand. You have a boy who needs the support and finally comes to accept it.

The problem is, the way it was written in the first paragraph makes it seem Thabo was just being a little jerk for the sake of it. There was nothing about him and his attitude that spoke of "stress" or the like. It was him pulling a fast one. It was only half-way through that he admitted he was not just having a lend of everyone.

Technically, it was okay, but you need to remember that every time a new person talks, it is a new paragraph, and every time the focus switches to a different person, a new paragraph should also begin.

But the biggest issue is that it is nearly all tell, and not show. You need to show us how he is feeling, not just tell us. Show us what his parents are going through, show us his life, etc. It will engage a reader better and bring your characters to life.

Still, good effort, and good luck going forward.


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4
4
Review of In Dreams  Open in new Window.
Review by S 🤦 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
This came up on 'Read & Review.'

A sad story, but one I guessed the ending of at about the fourth paragraph. Not the exact details, but I knew what Matt was, and where he was coming from, and why this was happening the way it had.

Technically, it was clean, as is usual for your work (although I'd have a space after the ellipses). You used descriptions of the senses really well to make us feel with Matt, to bring us to the conclusion.

I think that is the only thing I would change - the final para. I'd go: "It was too late...too late for him, too late for her... just... too late..." But that's me.

Still, a fine story. Well done and good luck going forward.


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5
5
Review of a star pointer  Open in new Window.
Review by S 🤦 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
This came up on 'Read & Review.'

This feels like a little vignette about recapturing youth through simple pleasures. The idea of a Twix bar as the catalyst can be a pleasant little return to childhood.

There are some technical issues. The verb tenses are all over the places. There are missing and misused pieces of punctuation throughout. It reads very awkwardly. It does need a very thorough edit.

Still, a good effort. Good luck going forward.


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6
6
Review of Red  Open in new Window.
Review by S 🤦 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
This came up on 'Read & Review.'

Using a colour as the central conceit, both good and bad, is a great idea. Especially one like red, with its positive and negative connotations in the zeitgeist. However, a couple of things don't feel right. The "red she suffocates me with"? That seems rather obscure. And how can it tell you "I was alone." Not literally, but red and loneliness is not a common pairing. Same with the "ugly" idea.

red means so much and is used in so many strong metaphors. I do feel some you use here do not quite fit.

The poem itself was a strong one. I read poetry out loud, and this came out as an angry read, so there is emotion in the words. I personally feel the meaning is a little obscured.

Good luck going forward.


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7
7
Review by S 🤦 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
This came up on 'Read & Review.'

Started off as a rather depressing poem, but there was an element of hope at the end. The repeated refrain being subtly changed at the end makes for that feeling of relief.

As a poem, it works surprisingly well. I say poetry out loud, and this worked. It was easy to read and flowed nicely.

Certainly different to what I came up with for the prompt!

So, well done, and good luck going forward.


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8
8
Review of Disconnected  Open in new Window.
Review by S 🤦 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
This came up in 'Read & Review.'

The 24-syllable poetry form is a tough one to make meaningful, and I think you have really succeeded here. The prompt could not have been easy to fit into a poem like this (especially considering it takes 4 of the syllables!), but looking at Facebook like this works really well.

Great job in what must have been at least awkward. And good luck going forward.


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9
Review of The Candy, Man  Open in new Window.
Review by S 🤦 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
This came up on 'Read & Review.'

I know the idea was to not identify Joey until the last line, but I guessed who Joey was by the lack of talking early on in the piece. Unfortunately, it did impact the ending a little.

Still, as a piece of flash fiction, it is a fun slice of life. Technically it was clean, and it flowed nicely, working in the short word count format.

Good luck going forward.


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10
10
Review by S 🤦 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This came up on 'Read & Review.'

An eerie tale with a non-horror ending. I felt a little let down at first, but when I re-read it, I got it. Sometimes the horror is in the build, not necessarily in the denouement.

Three things, story-wise.
1) The opening sentence is a passive voice, and it reads oddly. I'd try: "A dark mouth opened from the earth." It's more immediate and adds to the scare factor.
2) "Todd rolled his eyes, silently judging his nerdy sister." This is a head hop. The rest is from Danielle's PoV; I'd keep it that way.
3) Repeating uncommon or longer words close to itself can feel odd, and this was the case with the word "intricate."

The story is a good one, fun ending (art... of course!) and you used a lot of the senses to bring everything to life.

Good luck going forward.


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11
11
Review by S 🤦 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
This came up on 'Read & Review.'

The prompt is an interesting one, and you have certainly stirred an emotion. I am having trouble putting my finger on it - longing? regret? nostalgia? a sense of loss? - but that is nothing against the writing, it is just the fact that you have captured so much in so few words. There is an inherent sadness about the piece, but also a realisation that life goes on. It covers an awful lot in so few words.

Strong piece, well done. And good luck going forward.


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12
12
Review by S 🤦 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
This came up on 'Read & Review'.

As a poem without the interjections, it was fine. The syllable count was a little off, but...

Adding those little interjections, the thoughts of the writer, the mum to son, clarifying where the lines are drawn and the background. It turns a sweet poem into something a lot deeper and lot more emotional.

Nice mix of forms. It works well. Good luck going forward.


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13
13
Review of Choices  Open in new Window.
Review by S 🤦 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This came up on 'Read & review'.

I know it's old, and you probably have forgotten about it, but there was a certain pathos in the story. Taking responsibility and live with the consequences, but sometimes the consequences are not good ones.

As I read the story, I found myself on the father's side. Billy made his choice. Accidents happen.

Technically, this was very clean. I think the only suggestion I would make is that a lot of the sentences felt similar in structure. There were some passages without much variation, which did reduce the potential emotional impact.

Apart from that, a very strong little science fiction story. Good luck going forward.


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14
14
Review of Ode to the Earth  Open in new Window.
Review by S 🤦 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
This came on 'Read & Review.'

This is an impressive poem. 13 lines, 13 syllables/line, all of the lines rhyming with no forced rhymes, and yet still managing to detail just how important the Earth is to all of us.

It also does not talk down to the reader; it speaks at us like we are intelligent enough to understand.

I have nothing to offer in terms of improvement. Really good job; good luck going forward.


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15
15
Review of Even Now  Open in new Window.
Review by S 🤦 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
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This reads almost as a prose poem, as the emotion in this, the sense of loss and yet hope, comes through very clearly, moreso than anything else. It is very cleanly written - no errors that I could see - and flows along nicely.

I think if you read it out loud, it has the feel of a poem as well. Even using 3rd person pronouns does not detract from the personalisation of the piece.

This is an interesting work. Good luck going forward.


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16
16
Review by S 🤦 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
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Interesting concept, and presenting it as a short story with an annoyed dog works in that sense, far better than an essay would have. You did push the message a lot, though, which took away from the actual story.

This is my opinion, but I would have presented it as an actual interview with Pepper.

Technically, a few times you switched verb tense, and 74 in human years is not 13 in dog; it is the other way around. And one more thing... humans did not evolve from monkeys; humans and monkeys share an evolutionary ancestor.

Format-wise, I'd separate the paragraphs more definitively.

There is a strong little piece here, I just think it could do with some tweaking.


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17
17
Review by S 🤦 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
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This is a strong character piece. You have painted a picture of someone possibly verging on OCD going through their house, being disgusted at what others do not do that they find so easy to do. This is a character who does not fit in with the world and knows it.

So, having said that, I have no idea what the ending meant. A thing in his pocket? I know this is not incomplete because it was a piece of flash fiction, but you lost me completely there.

Sorry.


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18
18
Review of A Step Ahead  Open in new Window.
Review by S 🤦 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
This came up on 'Read & Review.'

The sort of clever ploy a true prank mastermind would come up with; for the flash fiction confines, you had probably the right amount of show v tell; I think I might have played up her really seeming to have to think about the offer, though.

I think the only technical thing is a personal choice - the sentence starting, "And you write me..." I would end with a question mark, but, like I said, that's personal and might be a cultural difference.

Still, a clever piece of writing. Good luck going forward.


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19
19
Review by S 🤦 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
This came up on 'Read & Review.'

This a sweet little story about lost love coming back. The rain as a metaphor for that lost love is a common trope, but it works.

Story-wise, a year feels a little long for them both to be pining like this. That's really unhealthy. Apart from that, it was fine. However, it did feel like it lacked some punch. Her emotions were muted. You told us she was missing him; show us. Get all the senses involved. Make us feel her loss with her.

Technically, it was very clean. Well done.

So, a good story, but a few things could maybe tighten it up. Good luck going forward.


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20
20
Review of The Key  Open in new Window.
Review by S 🤦 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
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This was an interesting little look at a family that could have been torn apart, but wasn't because sometimes family is more than blood, but the relationships we create with those who mean the most to us.

The story flowed along okay, and all the things mentioned in it played into the denouement. However, it felt a little muted. I think this needs more show and less tell. We had no real indication of how the narrator felt about everything, including the surprising discovery of his heredity. It just... happened. I can see by the word count that you might have had a word count restriction; in this case, some of the back story could have been condensed.

Technically, it was fine; format-wise, the accented e at the end of cafe has created some word issues.

So, a good story with some strong ideas behind it; it just needs more emotion, I feel. Good luck going forward.


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21
21
Review by S 🤦 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
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This is one of the reasons poetry is so good for a writer - as an outlet for emotions that might not otherwise be safely expressed. There is an anger here, but also a loneliness in the words and way it is expressed.

I read poetry out loud, and this one had a change in tempo about it that made it feel almost manic.

One question though: why did it change from second person to third person so abruptly? You to he feels like suddenly a different person was being discussed.

Still, a strong poem. Good luck going forward.


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22
22
Review by S 🤦 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
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You have captured in this poem what it feels like to be an artist in any form - the interpretation of a work not matching your own. But, in the end, if you let it, you can add theirs to yours and make the work seem even bigger.

I read poetry out loud and for a free form poem, this was relatively easy to get into, although the first line of the last stanza felt long and wanted me to rush it. That's all.

So, a strong poem. Good luck going forward.


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23
23
Review of The Fiddler  Open in new Window.
Review by S 🤦 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
This came up on 'Read & Review.'

The story at its core is a strong one. The busker playing, having an emotional connection with an audience of one, then that audience disappearing and the busker moving on to the next town. Great stuff, and really worth exploring.

But the delivery needs tightening.

Technically, there were a few places where full stops were used instead of commas, and you had a habit of repeating names and longer words where the repetition was not needed. The jump to present tense describing the park also felt jarring; while I understand the park is still there and this is still its "thing," it jars. Otherwise it was okay.

Story-wise:
- why describe his clothing? it does not speak of his character and does not play into the story at all.
- back-story is great, but it went on too long for a short story.
- why use "now the sun was setting"? It is a jump that places it in the present, which the verb tenses do not.
- there was a lot of tell and not much show. We know nothing about Tommy's innermost thoughts and feelings. Things happen, he moves on. In a story, a character or the reader should change in some way. Tommy just moved on to the next town.

This sounds negative, and I apologise, but the thing is, at its core, the idea of this story is really strong. With some work, it could be a powerful piece.

Good luck going forward.


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24
24
Review by S 🤦 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
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Talking about anxiety as a genderless room-mate, living (probably) rent-free in your head is something I can relate to with my depression. The metaphors you use make sense to me - that voice in your head. It is well-done in its basis.

Now, I read poetry out loud. I didn't get this was a rhyming poem until the second stanza; bags and back is a very forced rhyme. But as it is rhyming couplets, it demands a stronger rhythm. Most lines are 10 syllables long, which adds a flurried sense of talking, like anxiety makes the brain do. But those lines that drop to les make it awkward to say and it loses that sense of urgency.

Still, in all, a decent poem. Good luck going forward.


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25
25
Review of Trapped  Open in new Window.
Review by S 🤦 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
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A passionate poem about escaping "darkness" - which reads almost as depression to me - and what you go through mentally before that escape. Having it be as though you are imprisoned is a strong metaphor for this, and you work it well throughout the poem.

Technically, the phrase "I refuse to the darkness" does not make sense; it feels like there's a word missing.

As a poem, I read poetry out loud and the strong rhyme used - abab cdcd etc - demands a consistent rhythm, and that is missing here. It made it awkward to read and to get into a good flow with the poem. Maybe even check the syllable count and make it closer.

Still, a strong poem with a good central image. Good luck going forward.


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