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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/stormfoedt
Review Requests: ON
29 Public Reviews Given
Review Style
I take a look at grammar, though I also like to look at the flow of the piece. In most cases I try to be nice where I try to focus on the good parts, though I can go into specifics if requested.
I'm good at...
Grammar. I do not focus too heavily on it in my review, but if the grammar is bad the story itself will be harder to read for me. I like to look at the flow, how one action merges with the next and makes the pieces into a whole.
Favorite Genres
I prefer fantasy, though I may attempt to review within most genres.
Least Favorite Genres
I do not think myself capable of reviewing erotica.
I will not review...
I do not think there would be anything general that I would never ever review. It would be more of a base to base thing.
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Stormfoedt
Rated: E | (3.0)
Greetings, dearest Jules,

Welcome to writing.com! I am glad you found your way here, and that the road wasn't too bumpy before your arrival. Or mayhap should it have been just that, to liven up the chase?

In any case, you asked me to review your, I assume first, chapter of a story, or at least an idea of a story. According to the synopsis it's a mystery, and at some point or another it will involve crime-fighting, though so far you have mainly described the setting in which you plan to unravel your sinister schemes.

You also wanted me to comment on your grammar and sentence structure. It is worth mentioning that grammar is an ambivalent beast I am not usually too keen on commenting on, mainly because I am a writer with my particular grammatical preferences, preferences that that may or may not coincide with the preferences of the other author, namely you in this particular instance. I will none the less attempt to tackle your challenge, if mayhap only on a level I believe would better the dynamics of your narrational voice.

Okay, so we meet main character Stacy, a newly retired psychologist with no family to speak of other than a parrot named Peanut. By adding props such as bubblewrap and an Ipod you set the story in a relatively present time. Your main narration is written in past tense, while you tend to enter the inner monologue in present tense.

As far as I understand this is a retirement community, possibly a fenced one, though after my initial read I am yet to discover any seasonal or geographical markers to give me an inkling as to what to imagine the setting to be like. Since main character Stacy did not put on a lot of clothes, it isn't particularly cold, though. According to the names you used, I would imagine the country to be the US, but this guess can be questionable, because the names of the charecters could be as much your personal preferance as it could be a specific hint for my imagination.

Further on we meet Nancy, possibly the bad guy in this story, or perhaps just a red herring, a distraction.

Grammar. Your grammar is sound. The words themselves are written correctly, and I am able to understand what you mean. You seem to have a recurring issue with commas and periods, however. I do not know if this is purely accidental, as in you just happened to miss the buttons while typing, or if you wrote this in a manner as if speaking it, where commas and periods are of less importance. Now I will go out on a limb and ask if you copied this text from a separate document when submitting this piece? I get the impression, though i might be mistaken, that the inner voice of Stacy may have been written using for example cursive to distinguish it from the rest. The exchange between past tense narration and present tense thoughts are very often, and quite suddenly, switched mid sentence. When I've read the whole sentence I do mostly get what is thought and what isn't, but it can give me quite the whiplash in that particular moment. You also sometimes end a sentence when a comma would suffice, and omit the comma when a brief break in the sentence would be fitting. This particular comment may come from my differing preferences in grammar, as mentioned before, so that is more of a suggestion than recommendation.

Initially I also thought you sometimes used synonyms to common words in a slightly meaning-altering manner, but after some thought it might just be a display of artistic "freedom", making the sentence beautiful and poetic. Your sentence about the sun setting and creating the room to darken is an example of this. Personally I would not think of using "creating" to describe the interaction between the sun and the room, but the sentence is growing on me, and it might be okay to keep it as is.

Your issues with commas and periods recur in your dialogues, but I am inclined to let those be, as spoken language is less bound to conventional rules than written language. As such, nearing the end of my review, my main advice to you is to either mark your present time inner monologues in some way or another to distinguish them from the text, or at least separate them from the narration through periods or commas. Your grammar is good. I commend it, even as our different preferences in the use of the English language made me question it at times. I wish you luck in your future exploits, and hope for your tale to unravel like a wondrous flower, making people stop by to awe upon your splendiferous creation.

Best regards, Stormfoedt


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
2
2
Review by Stormfoedt
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello there, dear Danza.

You came to me for some honest feedback to your literary account of a personal experience you wish to share with a multitude of other individuals. While I cannot attest for the adequacy of any of my comments, I feel obliged to at least try.

You wish to tell a story, a story that has touched you at the strings of your soul, a story that tells how you overcame a difficult obstacle in your life. Now, as this is an account of your real life, if only a fraction of it, it is little I am willing to, as well as capable of, altering.

But, if you wish to share this with others, there are some changes that would be favourable for your cause. The first one would be paragraphs. This is a short piece, that is true, but it is still long enough to feel a bit intimidating for a person that wants to read you. Piece it up a little, give the reader a chance to take a break once in a while without having to struggle their way back to the middle of the story in a jungle of words and sentences.

Number two, share a little something about yourself. Let the reader get a grasp of your situation, if only talking about your family situation. How many siblings do you have? Are you living far apart? Little things, just to give the reader an idea of the image that is supposed to appear while you tell your tale. While some intel on the particular fight would also help making people see your side of the story, this is not necessary if you find it uncomfortable, or if you believe this information to be too closely linked to your personal life, and this unecessary revealing. As of now, I only get the impression that you may or may not have three sisters, making you four in numbers, versus an apparent horde of faceless relatives, the lot of you feuding over a nameless dispute that obviously meant a lot to you at the time.

As for your grammar, I would dare to claim it to be decent, if maybe a tad blunt and forward at times. Your grammar isn't really an issue as such, though some formatting to better describe some of the happenings might be a suggestion in order to appeal to your potential readers. Your summary is somewhat grammatically questionable, though I am inclined to forgive it since I am well aware of the limited amount of letters you can use.

The heading. It is really descriptive, and clearly states the main points to be found in the text itself. There is a slight mistake with a missing comma after the "drama", but since it is a heading, and since the error isn't enough to radically misinterpret your message, I will not suggest adding it as much as I would suggest that you might change the heading altogether. As mentioned, it does what its role is strictly made out to do, but some may argue that its appeal is lacking. I am not saying to change it no matter what, of course. This is entirely up to you.

In fact, this is all up to you. You are the writer and the protagonist, the two forces in a story with the biggest power of influence. I sincerely hope that my suggestions are of use to you, and that my assistance was helpful in one way or another. I wish you a pleasant day.

Best regards,
Stormfoedt


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
3
3
Review by Stormfoedt
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
This is an interesting story with a lot of potential, and a lot more that can be written. This is an introduction, where we get to know of the existence of magic, and their many subcategories. Though the properties of these mentioned categories are slightly exposed through their respective titles, the finer lines that separates them are yet to be included in the text.

We know that there is a country, and that the capital is named Seyrune. Our main protagonist is new, male and from an island up north, a bit of a country boy that suddenly have to waltz into a world of games, possibly both physical, mental and verbal. A letter in the beginning gives us names, and general traits, though I, being bad with names, probably would have to read a few more chapters before these names settled on the individual beings.

There is also a council, a magical one, and there might be more of those, though they are not mentioned as far as I can tell.

Well. I am not one to be awfully mean and meticulous regarding grammar, but I will point out this, I think you have a slight issue with your tenses. While a switch between tenses is far from illegal, your switches tend to occur irregularly and sometimes in the same sentence. Your grammar is excellent, of course, but the lapses in the placement of present and past tenses makes a bit of a problem. You might have intended some of those lapses to happen, I do not know the content of your mind and would never assume to know any such thing, but I will attempt to point some of them out none the less.

This is the first sentence in your third paragraph:

Original: This letter needed to be finished; it is too important to wait.
Edited: This letter needed to be finished; it WAS too important to wait.

And another one:

Original: This meant they must be on final approach to the capital city of Sayrune.
Edited: This meant they HAD TO be on THE final approach to the capital city of Sayrune.
Edited2: This meant they HAD STARTED on THE final approach to the capital city of Sayrune.

Okay, that one was a bit iffy, but you get the idea, right?

The next one was a bit questionable as well, I was not certain whether you intended to write it in past or present tense, but I'll assume that it is past tense like the majority of your writings in this tale.

Original:The streets of the capital city are quite amazing, the seamless stone running through each street spoke of the city's power and wealth. These seamless and unnaturally perfect roads also whisper a different story, but only to those who truly listen, it tells you that this city is ripe with magic.
Edited: The streets of the capital city WERE quite amazing, AND the seamless stone running through each street spoke of the city's power and wealth. These seamless and unnaturally perfect roads also whisperED a different story, but only to those who truly listenED, it TOLD you that this city WAS ripe with magic.

Original: "Don't just sit there, gawking like simpleton you are a master now pull yourself together" he said to himself.
Edited: "Don't just sit there, gawking like simpleton. You are a master now. Pull yourself together" he said to himself.

Original: Kenton looked down at his wrist and consulted a shiny golden device comprised of smaller and smaller rings each with symbols and numbers on them.
Edited: Kenton looked down at his wrist and consulted a shiny golden device comprised of smaller and smaller rings, each with symbols and numbers on them.

Original: His clothes felt soaked in sweat, and they smelt like it too.
Edited: His clothes felt soaked in sweat, and they SMELLED like it too.

Original: The movements, helped to free up his tight muscles.
Edited: The movements helped to free up his tight muscles.

Original: He placed the bottle on the floor of the carriage, he then traced his arms through the air gracefully, and as he did, they gained a blue glow that stood out in contrast with his nut-colored skin.
Edited: He placed the bottle on the floor of the carriage. He then traced his arms through the air gracefully, and as he did, they gained a blue glow that stood out in contrast with his nut-colored skin.
Edited2: He placed the bottle on the floor of the carriage and traced his arms through the air gracefully. And as he did, they gained a blue glow that stood in contrast with his nut-colored skin.

Original: This is his art, Kinetomancy, the conversion of kinetic motion into magical energy.
Edited: This WAS his art, Kinetomancy, the conversion of kinetic motion into magical energy.

Original: He returned the bottle of sullied water to his trunk then dressed.
Edited: He returned the bottle of sullied water to his trunk, AND then GOT dressed.

Original: The clothing he brought were in the Laraelian style, natural colors and patterns made of thin breezy fabric.
Edited: The clothing he brought WAS in the Laraelian style, natural colors and patterns made of thin breezy fabric.

The next one is admittedly a bit difficult, as the "must have" is a term it is hard to set in past tense.

Original: They must have entered the upper quarters of the city.
Edited: They had clearly entered the upper quarters of the city.

Original: "Are you Master Kenton Gladstone?" asked the boy huffing a little.
Edited: "Are you Master Kenton Gladstone?" asked the boy, huffing a little.

Okay, I will assume the next one to be a mere mistake, and something you would have easily detected on your own, but I point it out none the less since I spotted it.

Original: "In the marketplace mostly, but us runner boys use it to," said the boy.
Edited: "In the marketplace mostly, but us runner boys use it toO," said the boy.

Original: It seemed like an alarm of some kind that would alert someone when the wax seal is broken.
Edited: It seemed like an alarm of some kind that would alert someone when the wax seal WAS broken.

Original: You may think you know the people you are about to meet with, but I bet you have no idea of what they are truly like.
Edited: You may think you know the people you are about to meet UP with, but I bet you have no idea of what they are truly like.
Edited2: You may think you know the people you are about to meet, but I bet you have no idea of what they are truly like.

Original: I would watch my step around him if I was you because he is not quite the man you use to know.
Edited: I would watch my step around him if I WERE you, because he is not quite the man you USED to know.

Original: She believes in logical answers, and if you approach her using logic, you will find your words get through much easier.
Edited: She believes in logical answers, and if you approach her using logic, you will find THAT your words WILL get through much easier.

I will admit that the former correction is a tad... Well, it might not be necessary at all. And the next one, another "must have". I find something vaguely wrong-sounding tense-wise with it, but I might very well be mistaken.

Original: The letter must have come from someone either on the magi council or someone well connected in Sayrune.

Original: He tried to tuck these feelings away; he is here and that was something.
Edited: He tried to tuck these feelings away; he WAS here and that was something.

Original: His master did not devote his life to getting Kentmancy recognize for Kinton to piss all over it because he was scared of failure.
Edited: His master did not devote his life to getting Kentmancy RECONGIZED for Kinton to piss all over it because he was scared of failure.

Original: He tucked the letter safely away in his trunk and then double checked all his belongings to make sure they are in order and safely secured.
Edited: He tucked the letter safely away in his trunk and then double checked all his belongings to make sure they WERE in order and safely secured.

Original: Standing at the top of the stairs was a man with black skin; it was not tan or merely dark; it was pitch black.
Edited: Standing at the top of the stairs was a man with black skin; it was not tanned, or merely dark; it was pitch black.

Original: "I only just arrived in the city, I had planned to arrive yesterday, but the weather chose to disagree with us."
Edited: "I only just arrived in the city. I had planned to arrive yesterday, but the weather chose to disagree with us."

The next one I am a bit unsure of, but I added it none the less.

Original: "That would be most welcome," replied Kenton.
Edited: "That would be most appreciated," replied Kenton.

Original: They took another turn and headed down a long spiral staircase, at the bottom was a large set of doors.
Edited: They took another turn and headed down a long spiral staircase. At the bottom was a large set of doors.

Original: "Go ahead and enter; the door has been made to know you already, so you don't need to worry about the wards," said Blythe with a smile almost reading Kenton's mind.
Edited: "Go ahead and enter; the door has been made to know you already, so you don't need to worry about the wards," said Blythe with a smile, almost reading Kenton's mind.

Original: Kenton reached for the door; he could feel the door, reach out, and recognize him before swinging open.
Edited: Kenton reached for the door; he could feel the door reach out and recognizing him before swinging open.

Original: "We call it, the same thing up north; it is also a measure of someone's power," replied Kenton with a bit of a worried look.
Edited: "We call it the same thing up north; it is also a measure of someone's power," replied Kenton with a bit of a worried look.

Original: "So it is, but you would not be a master if we doubted your skill, " he replied with a smile.
Edited: "So it is, but you would not be a master if we doubted your skill, " Blythe replied with a smile.

Original: He could see multiple clean burning lamps, lighting the room, but he could not smell even the faintest scent of oil.
Edited: He could see multiple clean burning lamps lighting the room, but he could not smell even the faintest scent of oil.

There was another "must have" in that paragraph, but I am slowly starting to doubt whether or not that in fact is a tense-related error or not.

Original: The woman looked to be in her fifties; she had light brown short hair and her eyes are a bright auburn.
Edited: The woman looked to be in her fifties; she had light brown short hair, and her eyes WERE a bright auburn.

Original: Both the woman, and Halbert noticed Kenton at the same time, and their conversation was abandoned.
Edited: Both the woman and Halbert noticed Kenton at the same time, and their conversation was abandoned.

(loved the saying with the abandoned conversation, by the way)

Original: "Bad weather delayed us by a day, and I arrived here just as Blyth was."
Edited: "Bad weather delayed us by a day, and I arrived here just as Blyth did."

Original: "The pleasure is all mine lady Atterton," replied Kenton as he took her hand.
Edited: "The pleasure is all mine, lady Atterton," replied Kenton as he took her hand.

Original: "I understand, the life of a master, is not an easy one as I am sure to learn first hand."
Edited: "I understand, the life of a master is not an easy one, as I am sure to learn first hand."

If the next sentence in fact was intended to be the thoughts of our dear Kenton, the present tense might very well be on purpose, but if not, past tense should be implemented.

Original: This woman is either a very nice and extremely inappropriate welcome gift, or she is Lady Mandassa Lisadar.
Edited: This woman was either a very nice and extremely inappropriate welcome gift, or she was Lady Mandassa Lisadar.

Original: The most worrying part is Kenton could not feel even a hint of Clout from the man. All the masters had it, but this man is either no mage at all or something else entirely.
Edited: The most worrying part WAS THAT Kenton could not feel even a hint of Clout from the man. All the masters had it, but this man WAS either no mage at all or something else entirely.

Original: "Master Tarsis if you are finished, we would like to begin," said Blythe.
Edited: "Master Tarsis, if you are finished, we would like to begin," said Blythe.

"By all means Blythe," he said with a tone that showed a hint of respect.
Okay. I am not sure whether Torin was showing Blythe a hint of respect, or if he meant not to. If he was, the sentence was correct.

Original: "This meeting will be short and sweet; the first order of business is that we must officially induct Master Gladstone as the first Kinetomancy Master, " said Blythe, and at these words, Torin stood and clapped wildly then sat back down.
Edited: "This meeting will be short and sweet; the first order of business is that we must officially induct Master Gladstone as the first Kinetomancy Master, " said Blythe, and at these words Torin stood and clapped wildly, then sat back down.

Original: "Then let us vote." As he said this, all hands, but Torin's and Kenton's, went up.
Edited: "Then let us vote." as he said this, all hands but Torin's and Kenton's went up.
Edited2: "Then let us vote." As he said this all hands, but Torin's and Kenton's, went up.

Original: "Kid you do know that you can vote now, right?" said Torin.
Edited: "Kid, you do know that you can vote now, right?" said Torin.

Original: "Well, it looks like it's Four against two the motion passes, please record this in the official records," Blythe said with a smile.
Edited: "Well, it looks like it's Four against two. The motion passes, please record this in the official records," Blythe said with a smile.

Original: "In a way you are, Torin has no students, and he does very little compared to the other masters, so when a job comes up that is tedious, it tends to be assigned to him," he replied with a smirk.
Edited: "In a way you are. Torin has no students, and he does very little compared to the other masters, so when a job comes up that is tedious, it tends to be assigned to him," he replied with a smirk.

Original: "Well, don't listen to these people when they tell you how bad I am because I assure you that I am a whole lot worse, " he said with that devilish smile of his, then he walked out.
Edited: "Well, don't listen to these people when they tell you how bad I am, because I assure you that I am a whole lot worse, " he said with that devilish smile of his. Then he walked out.

You also have an impressive amount of ";" in your text, though I, not being very well versed in the finer ways of its usage, have refrained from commenting on any of them.

Okay. I know that my profile said that grammar was not something I was overly thorough with when reviewing the work of pretty much anyone, yet here we are, a good deal of correcting behind us. I will point out that these corrections are voluntary, and that all of them might not be in need of any corrections at all. I will also admit that my coverage might not be sufficient. There might be mistakes that I have overlooked, or there might be sentences that I have chosen to leave be since they are in need of some basic makeover.

As mentioned your grammar is good, American English if I am not mistaken. I usually tend to stay on the British English side of things, but I am aware of the allowance of "z"s in a lot of words that would have pretty little red lines under them in the British auto correct program.

I also did, if I am not mistaken, say something about reviewing on the general flow of a piece. Hm. Your flow is good, after reading through it a few times I did find myself caught in between the words, and I could briefly get mental images of my surroundings. Your tale has a distinct epic fantasy tale vibe over it, making it similar to the genre used in "Lord of the Rings" and "The Wheel of Time" series. I am sure that I, if I read on, would gain much more knowledge regarding the many terms for styles and people and magics that were just thrown around in this initial chapter.

Your grammar is good, and albeit some minor issues with your tenses, and at times your sentence structure, you are well on your way to become a more than just decent author. This review became awfully long, and I do apologise for that, so I will try to wrap things up now.

You are awesome, and do not allow anyone to tell you otherwise. Mistakes are not things that are made to lower your worth, but rather things to tell you that you can rise even higher than you already are. I wish you luck with your future doings, and hope that you do not give up writing on this, the small seed of what might become a great and magnificent fantasy tale.

And for the record, I will say that I suspect the King High Bastard himself to have written the letter introducing the Masters to our dear protagonist Kenton.

Best regards, Stormfoedt.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
4
4
Review by Stormfoedt
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
I have to say, I admire your ability to make a story such as this. Only one syllable, eh? Good good.

Okay, I will say this now, and get the unpleasantries over and done with. "Maybe" is as far as I know a word with two syllables.

Anyways. This story has great flow, with an open opening, a show rather than tell kind of thing, where I get to meet the main protagonist and the girl the event described is all about. A cozy story ending with a series of what ifs, written in a way as if the protagonist recalls the incident in a flicker of nostalgia. Mayhap is it a tale to tell some young ones as he is older now, wiser when it comes to what have been, but also wondering if paths taken should have been avoided for those he did not choose in the past.

The end is good, albeit a bit hasty. Maybe that's just me. To tell the honest truth I seriously doubt that I would hold the capability t create a story on such a prompt, so I salute you for obviously having that potential. Well done!

Best regards, Stormfoedt
5
5
Review of Liars  
Review by Stormfoedt
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I adore it. It is a nice piece of poetry, conveying a message of the conclusion you have come to know, or at least that is the impression I get after having read it. A message of love, though I might sound a bit cheesy saying it like that.

Cheesy is good sometimes too.

Well. As for constructive criticism. Sorry, I don't have anything to add, do I now. I am terrible at all those funny little rules that supposedly exist for the set up of poems, and you chose to go a more alternate route there in any case. At least that is how I see it. Your grammar is excellent. Good luck with whatever you attempt to do next as this is good work.

Best regards, Stormfoedt


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
6
6
Review of Painted Cards  
Review by Stormfoedt
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a very interesting story, told from the point of view of a boy that tends to seek out solitude due to his ever yelling mind. What I just got to read would of course be a sort of introduction, an introduction containing general information about the main narrator, what he wears and how he acts around others. Enough is revealed to get closer to him yet enough is withheld so that an air of mystery remains. And the questions arise, what will happen next? A mere fainting or something much more elaborate?

I like your language and the way you describe the mind of the main narrator. I was confused in the beginning but as I read on things became clearer. The Voice in particular.

A lot is written without being written, if you get my saying. Things exist between the lines, awaiting the reader to grasp it. Your paragraphs might be a bit long if I have to point anything out. Other than that I find your story amusing, and hopefully will you find your way into quite an epic tale as time passes. I wish you luck with that, whether you need it or not.

Best regards, Stormfoedt
7
7
Review of Silence  
Review by Stormfoedt
Rated: E | (3.5)
Well hello, there, poet. I like that poem of yours. Nice outlay and a good theme. A few typos, but nothing incorrigible. You seem to mix up "fine" and "find" in the beginning. I will admit that the whole analyzing ordeal when it comes to poems is not my best skill, but from what I can see you have refrained from using the usual suggestions that a lot of people tend to go by when they write.

You know, such things as rhymes or a general pattern to the verses or something. But a poem doesn't need to be that way. Your poem sure is fine even without it. It is written in a manner as if you are saying it, so the flow is relatively easy to detect. It's good work.
8
8
Review of Life is......  
Review by Stormfoedt
Rated: E | (4.0)
I was genuinely interested in this answer you seemed to be holding, and was thus dragged into this.. this.. this Other. That is what you called it, and after reading it I can clearly see why. Not that it is bad, because it isn't. I'm actually kind of fond of it. Anyways, I can see why you call it an Other. Because really. What should it be called? A poem? Mayhap. Then again, perhaps not.

I also like the part where you made me like it without actually answering that old as time question. It is the answer of a true politician where there are a lot of nice words without those very words actually binding you to this permanent resolution we have grown to know as an answer.

But okay, bottom line. Final answer. I like it. I like this Other. It's a nice piece of work, a good little quip to read whenever you get to that point where you ask the world WHY upon having a dove s*** on you.. or something similar to that.

Who needs answers anyways? It's the questions that make life interesting.

Best regards, Stormfoedt
9
9
Review of Pastel Guns  
Review by Stormfoedt
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Nothing like a little cheesy love-story with a classic James Bond twist, eh? Except from the occasional grammatical blunder I found your writing impeccable and your style entertaining. At times I might've found myself a tad confused until I realized what kind of world you had introduced me to. At first I thought James Bond, but it might be more accurate to just call it a general Spy story. Mayhap a tad parody-ish?

And the end is brought upon all with a little twist of fate. I like it.
10
10
Review by Stormfoedt
Rated: E | (4.0)
It's a good quiz, I liked it. Not sure whether or not it made me a true HP obsessive or not, but I read all the books more than once. Not in English though, so I still have some issues remembering all the names since they were translated along with the book in order too maintain the meaning behind them.

Anyways, this is not about me. I like how you made the different options for each question different without making them obviously wrong or so similar that one scant could recognize a wrong answer from a typo.

Good work!
11
11
Review by Stormfoedt
Rated: E | (3.5)
This is one epic tale my friend, a tale that I more likely than not would find myself very much interested in. Of course, the idea of a tale and the creation of it.. those are two things that tend to exist on entirely different planes, and as such I will wish you luck, no matter whether you need it or not, with the writing.

It would seem that the chronicle that you are in the process of releasing upon the world is mildly fairytale-ish, though more in the direction of Brothers Grimm rather than the renewed Disney versions of them.

I would expect some gains and some losses in between fierce battles and mayhap some vivid descriptions of the land, the sky and the people and creatures living upon that vast world you are creating. The main protagonist would most likely be dynamic, but he might very well be static as well, and he might be good or neutral or chaotic, moving between that which is merely black and white in his search for what he has lost.

And in the end, will he be the victorious good, or will he exist long enough, see enough and do enough to experience himself becoming the bad guy? Or was he mayhap the bad guy all along?

Hm. Other than that, your language is good, and you got the ida. The only thing left to do is writing it. That is no minor task, but it is what needs to be done. Once more I will wish you luck.
12
12
Review of In His Own Image  
Review by Stormfoedt
Rated: E | (4.0)
The first verse is different from the rest, as such things tend to be. After all, introductions are such a peculiar breed that oft must differ from those that follow since it must speak for all that has yet to be.

And as I look upon the great picture, the wholesomeness of your work, then I see that which the title is supposed to tell prior to the reading, though I at first might find myself confused by the title versus the tale in the poem. This might be due to the fact that it is the "I" that tells the story while it is "He" who is mentioned in the beginning. This might very well be intended, and it fitted well in the whole.

You are well taught in the way of rhyming, and the verses hold a certain flow to them that rhyming oft tends to add. This flow might hit a few curves as they change shape in between verses, but all in all I found the verse more than adequate. You are quite the poet, my friend.
13
13
Review by Stormfoedt
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Wow. Just.. wow. This short story was morbid, but then again it ought to be. And other than morbid it was outright brilliant. I found myself entranced by the wording, the very representation of the main protagonist and even the short outline of the history that made him what he was.

You are a vivid chronicler, my friend, and obviously well erudite in the world of short stories. You obviously wanted a response, perhaps some constructive criticism, but I am at a loss. How am I to improve this?

The language is sophisticated, and though your dialogue of course is more based on dialect I can see why you do that seeing how it authenticates the action and makes the reader read the words the way they are supposed to be read.

The beginning was a tad confusing, but the introduction in tales of this genre oft tends to be that way. Besides, it is all explained in due time, the change between genders that I at first thought to be unintentional.

There MIGHT be some issues with commas, but on that subject I am hardly one to talk since commas and I have a very liberal relationship as well where commas tend to pop up here and there as they please.

I like your style.
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