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51
51
Review of Birth  
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello,

Welcome to Writing.Com!

The birth of the world, what an exciting subject to write about! You've some good imagery here. 'light exploding' 'waves on sands' The colors.

I agree it was a miracle.

I suggest you go back and read through this, slowly. One word at a time, and see where it can be written clearer. There are spelling, grammar issues that are getting in the way, and they don't allow the piece to show as well as it could.

When a new face come and sings new psalms my place.

This is the only line I didn't understand, because I don't know who the 'new face' is. Would you consider adding a little more detail?

It needs technical work, but the meaning is there. Good first draft.


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esprit

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52
52
Review of The tryouts  
Review by esprit
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
Hi, I noticed your review request and decided to read it. I'm glad I did, it's not bad. You've accomplished a lot already, but it needs work in the areas I've mentioned below.

Remember, a good story isn't good until it's been rewritten to get the kinks out so the good stuff can show. You've talent, I think. Practice as much as possible to fine-tune it. It's not easy but must be done.

Let me know what works, what doesn't work, and if it's believable or not.

I'll do my best. *Smile*

You want to come?” said John’s dad.

“Not really, I’m going to the park with Matt.” said John.
What happens if you break you arm or something during your hockey tryouts?”

“Just to be sure, Go do it now! Unless

His tone of speech was calm, conversaational, the exclamation point makes him appear upset. Are you sure it belongs there?

John got up from the floor, dragging his feet and hanging his head he went upstairs to his room. From his window overlooking the street, John saw the icicles.

Try --he--in place of the name here. The name is used often.

The icicles outside John’s window were a sure indication

His neighbor Dennis and his little brother were running by with sleds in tow. Dennis made sure his brother fell behind by tossing his sled into John’s yard

Read aloud and determine where more clarity might be needed. It isn't clear whose little brother this is. --His--is used for John at the beginning of the line, but the second could be either John or Dennis. --his neighbor and his brother--

He could copy the work later before the next day of school.

There are extra words here. The line could stop at --later.--and still be clear. Readers will comprehend when he intends to fix it.

“Are you done with your homework already?” his dad asked.

“It was easy. I’ll be home for dinner. What are we having?” said John

Name tags aren't needed for every line when there are only two people. Readers can tell who's speaking from the words. Don't overuse them because they slow the story down a lot.

Tell your sister to come home for dinner too if you see her at the park.”

These bolded words could be cut to avoid more words than you need. The line will be clearly understood without them.

for dinner too if you see her at the park.
see his older sister Natalie at the park.
grounded or retarded was at the park

Avoid repeating words and phrases to keep them invisible. You don't want readers to begin looking for or at the words. They are pulled from the story. There is always a different way to say something.

John was in the precarious position of falling in between the two groups. His sister had just turned 16.

The younger kids
The older kids
middle school kids
The teenagers

Which two groups?

his hockey stick. He threw it over his shoulder with his skates dangling from the end of his stick

Ending the line at --stick--would work, avoiding repeats and extra words.

watching the older kids play on the far side of the pond.

Well, we know he isn't in this group. *Smile*

“For what? Those jerks?
Scouting? What for, all those guys are already on the team.”

This raises the question of why a younger boy is scouting older, more experienced players. Is he just simply watching them as he says later? You could simplify here to keep it clear.

“I don’t know then. I didn’t feel like standing on the side of the game while I waited for you.”

What does he mean by 'scouting'? I thought it meant he was standing on the side of the game, watching their tactics. What did he do instead?

Quinton teams didn’t rebuild, they reloaded

I like this! They sound tough.

Were the ice was thin and uneven.

A typo of --where--

After working up a sweat and then stopping to sit and untie skates outside was the worst.

Clarify. They were already outside, weren't they? Is it a punctuation problem. Try rewording it. I think it says outside feels extra cold after working up a sweat, but I'm guessing.

she’s up at the Barn?” asked Matt.
Yeah, I saw some of the guys go up in that direction a little while ago.” said John.

Since you've made it clear that Matt asked the question, you won't need John's name tag.

John and Matt made their way around the pond and started up the hill toward the Barn. A few kids came exploding out of the woods and over the snow bank on to icy road on their sleds. Laughing and screaming as they passed John and Matt. The park’s own black diamond sled hill was the same one that led to the barn. One had to be careful on their way up.

Good imagery! I can see the moving action and feel the excitement! I think it comes from using the great descriptive --exploding--. Good choice!

As John and Matt grew closer to the barn the sound of laughter

Make the writing tighter by using --they-- instead of repeating the names again.

“Three I think.” said Jerry. “You too, you little guinea.

Good dialogue in this scene. You've brought it to life.

Like a gladiator, John lunged at Tom with the business end of his stick out in front of him

Good bulding of tension. Nice short sentences and action words.
“Mom’s was so good. I’m mean sooo good. I
“Try almost two years, dah Natalie, since mom left.” said John.

--I--mean
--dah--isn't working where it is. Consider removing it or redoing it.

“We’ll tell them I said hi, you’re mom too.
” said Jerry.

Typos of --Well--and --your--

John and Matty started their separate ways down the hill.
As they turned the corner to head home there was Tom. He was peeing against the side of the barn.

This doesn't match the setting of earlier. (to me) They walked up the hill toward the barn. When they left, they went down the hill, away from the barn. Which corner did they turn and how did the barn get there?

It sounds like they reached the barn on their way up and may have gone around behind it to find sister, but that wasn't mentioned in the first description.

By now the crowd was growing quite. Matt lay on the

Typo of --quiet--

I’m gonna make sure you ass can’t skate.”

Typo of --your--

So, what’s up? What are you two doing up hear?

Typo of --here--

The fact of the death is handled with grace and respect. Life goes on and each character realized that. I like the way they interacted as a family. They were real. I could see dad stumbling in the kitchen, attempting to make a favorite dish, and the memories it brought to each of them. Good, realistic emotion.

It's a good story, I felt it believable. It needs work, but I've tried to show that in the review. It's definitely worth rewriting. Enhancing the action, emotion, attitudes of the characters, all those details will bring the piece to life. Don't try to hurry it, and don't forget to read it aloud from time to time. Your ear will begin to hear the bumps with practice.

I hope this helps in your rewrites. Reading it was fun, I like the kids.

}The rate only reflects the stage that this draft is in at the moment.

by esprit




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53
53
Review by esprit
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Hi,

Thank you for requesting your review from

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On 01-19-2009 at 5:35pm : Wrote this a while back and I just want an honest review.

hidden from view by a thick heavy cloth.
inch away from the cloth covered item.
to face a large object
cloth covered item
mirror

saying something was hidden by a cloth once is good. It raises curiosity and a sense of mystery. Saying it more than once only adds words, no new information. Once the object is revealed as a mirror, it can't be put back into the unknown as --cloth covered item--. I suggest cutting and rewriting to keep it tight and moving.

before she turned and strided into the kitchen.

--strode--

slammed her fist into the mirror causing it to shatter,
nearly wrenched the door off its hinges.

This seems to hint that she is unusually strong. If that was the purpose, good job.

bag of what looked like a deep red liquid.

--what looked like?-- Didn't she know what it was? I suspect I know, but can't be sure. Don't tell if you don't want to, but I really believe it could be worded better without giving it away. It doesn't have to be identified at all; she could reach in, open it and drink.

fridge

This word didn't match the theme of the story for me. I don't know the timeline, but this is modern. -refrigerator-- would be read and not noticed, which is what you want.

Jacob, the eldest, had hair like his mother yet the style was different,

Consider taking this out. It would be highly unusual for a boy to style his hair like his mother.

different

This word is used numerous times in just a few lines.

yet dispite that she always felt like an

Spelling.

she was not aloud outside or even inside during the day but at night she had the full confounds of the manor.

The first bolded word is spelled wrong. --allowed--
Where did she stay in the daytime?
Is the next bolded word intended to show she could wander the 'confines' of the manor?

Suddenly the kitchen doors burst open letting the wind whistle through the room. Shivering she ran over to the doors and pulled them shut,

More description is needed here. Did the doors open 'into' the room, or out? Since she 'pulled' them shut, I see them opening out. But, would the wind blow them open if they opened out? Perhaps it would, but it isn't clear what I'm looking at.

The key of the French doors at the far end of the kitchen was turning in the lock and the door swung open;

Another area that might need a rewrite. How could she see the key move from that distance? Especially since she was looking into the mirror, not at the door? The key was inside, but the door opened from the outside?

Rikala was glued to the spot, she wanted to turn round but her feet betrayed her, her whole body betrayed her. She gasped.

Keep the action and reaction in order. I believe she would gasp first, then try to move.

she saw the chair she had been sat at only a few minuets ago

--sitting--
--minutes--- there is another below.

“Let go of me!” she spat.
The man let go almost immediately.
“Why…why, could I not see you in the mirror?” asked Rikala shyly.

Why did her mood change so quickly? Going from anger to shyness with no calming down nor explanation is difficult to see.

The man turned to look at the mirror behind Rikala before answering her.

This needs a little rewrite too. He's facing her, the mirror is behind her - why did he need to turn to see it?

Distant. Yes, that was it, distant.

The opening line remains a mystery at the end. I wondered what it meant but expected to find the answer before the end of the chapter. You might think about letting the readers know what it means.

It's an intriquing piece with a long way to go before the end. The character isn't known yet, but she's coming along well.
The weather is described very well, good job there. I could almost hear the wind howl across the moors.

I wondered if the house is vacant of furniture, and if she's come back after many years. Has she never left? Knowing a few of these things would help with the setting.

A good first draft. It promises to be an interesting story, and I liked it.








"Invalid Item"  :
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by esprit
54
54
Review by esprit
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hi,


Space pirates stumble upon the last A.I. left in the universe.
A black plaque hung with an embossed Jolly Roger skull and crossbones. Below the Jolly Roger were the words 'Give No Quarter'; below that was The Sea Wolf's articles of law.
He somberly thought about the crew members they had lost in their previous mission.

I found myself skimming to find the beginning of the story.

At this point, the character began a narration of a lost mission that the reader can't become involved with because the narrator isn't known. There needs to be a couple of good strong hooks thrown in.

The overview is good and promises much, but the first chapter begins too slow.

Unfortunately, it did not happen that way.

I don't know if the story begins here or not, but it sounds like it's going into a back story. I would like to know what's happening now and who to, so I could relate to the back-story and understand it.

A lesser captain would have panicked and the entire crew would have, at best, be serving hard labor at the Martian mining penitentiaries.

But Julius was not a typical captain;

The Sea Wolf's last mission forced them into a battle with three UEP destroyers, all the while in a weakened position, exposed and with only partial power. Despite this, they managed to fight them off long enough to get the gravity amplifiers working again and escape. In the end, they lost most of their pilots and the plunder. Even worse, it was a devastating enough blow to morale; enough that many crew members simply fled at the first opportunity to do so.

I believe clarity on who this character is would help the reader. It isn't clear whose side he is fighting on, and what makes him a great captain since he lost so many pilots and just managed to escape the enemy.

it made them a sitting duck for UEP Enforcement when they arrived.
the war against the A.I.
except for pirates like him,

I thought he was part of UEP and fighting AI. Now, it seems he is a pirate and outside the law. Without a clear understanding of the character and his purpose, following the story will be difficult.

"You mentioned a personnel problem, Lain?" he said as plowed himself back into it hard.

A word is missing. --he--plowed.

It isn't clear what --it--is. Using --plowed--twice to show him sitting is repeating. Can you find a different word for the second time?

A noticeable creek could be heard from the impact. Julius could see Lain wince.

"Well I just did and you know we need the," Lain said.

Spelling is --creak--
A typo of --them--?

Julius came to a stop at the elevator when he noticed a pungent, sulfuric odor in the air. He looked down to his right and noticed a crew member working on a section of wall.

Startled, the crewman looked up and dropped his tools. He made a sloppy salute, coinciding with the reverbation of his tools clattering against the floor.

This seems to indicate trouble ahead. A traitor? A good hook to rev up curiosity in the reader.

The main issue is the opening.
Once the story begins, it moves quickly enough, and is becoming interesting. The beginning though sure could use some cutting, moving, and tightening. It's usually best to open with an exciting scene to hook the reader in fast. Work background in only as it's needed. Introduce the main character so readers know who he is, what kind of man he is, and so on.

You might consider beginning this with the call upstairs and the incident at the elevator. Working the viewing of the nebula in later at an appropriate time. That was good, it just went on too long.

I hope the feedback gives you a few ideas, and helps.




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"Invalid Item" 
by esprit
55
55
Review of The End Button  
Review by esprit
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hi,

Welcome to WDC. I hope you're finding your way around okay.

I really like this story; it's exciting and mysterious and holds the attention of the reader tight. You're good with describing the setting - I was able to visualize it fully. The room seemed to be outrageously huge and technical, though, for the short use of it. *Smile* Good job!

Putting a full space between each paragraph is the accepted format for online writing. Readers need the white space to ease the eye strain.

This is a good draft, is it the first? I'm only commenting on a few things here, if you want a fuller review for the second draft search out a review forum and ask for one. My forum is linked below if you want one of the reviewers there to read it.

foam membranes held the shape of his indent perfectly before rising to an ambiguous flatness in a split second.

Good imagery!

His eyes were dull blue, and his gloves he was wearing had the fingers cut out of them.

This is wordy, extra words that tell something that is obvious. Cutting the bolded phrase would tighten the line without losing any info.

a silver band around his neck.
“Wh-,” the man choked out before the silver band around his neck contracted

Repeating info too close together isn't a good idea, it will begin to bore readers. I suggest changing the wording in the second bolded line to avoid repeating the whole phrase. --the band--should be enough.

The man tried to take off the band, and was briefly electrocuted

To be electrocuted is to die. Wrong word. --shocked--would work if you can't think of another word.

“the drugs we have him were of the correct dosage.”

I wondered if this word is a typo of --gave--?

“I know it seems like a tremendous decision to make, but it’s yours to make.

Repeating happens several times. When you read through the story, pay attention to this and try to rewrite those areas to avoid a repeat.

I liked the story a lot. The three men weren't truthful with him, were they. They said it was his decision, but he had no choice of yes or no, nor a choice of the time. They were using him to assuage their guilt? I wondered why, since there would be no one left to blame anyone. Unless they survived someway? *Smile*

The emotion is good, the backstory of the character explained him clearly, and the setting is seen. I see a talent in this write that will develop with practice.

Entering a Content Rate and Intro Rate will allow the item to go into the genre lists and more readers will find it. Intro Can be rated E, and content 13+. You can change those in the Edit page.

Good beginning!

The rate is indicative of the stage this is in, and the amount of rewriting to be done.



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"Invalid Item" 
by esprit
56
56
Review of Bumble Boy  
Review by esprit
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi,

I read this shortly after it was first posted, Aug. of '06, and just read it again. It's come a long way since then. I don't think you changed many words but it's been tightened and polished until it sings.

It reads smoothly, no bumps nor extra words to detract from the story and its emotion. Well done!

I'm pleased to say this new rate has been earned. The writing is as close to being publishable as I've ever seen.






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"Invalid Item" 
by esprit
57
57
Review by esprit
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hi,

I found your item on http://www.writing.com/main/list_items/type/autore...

Suspense story I've worked on for years. Needs lots of work. This is only the beginning.

It would be a good idea to take advantage of the description area to sell the story, to draw readers in. I like to know what kind of story it is before I begin to read. Using a line of action or horror such as: Focusing on the rat’s breakfast it looked like... “Like a finger” would certainly raise enough curiosity to open the page. If the whole line doesn't fit, cut it until it does.

The rat quivered its black nose in the air, scenting the intruder. Revulsion shuddered through him alerting the contusions and abrasions to their duty. Sensing no immediate danger, the rat picked up

The bolded line is confusing. As it's structured, it says the rat shuddered and had abrasions, but the words must refer to the man. Don't they? I believe moving it, cutting it, or making it clearer would help.

Consider using --Revulsion shuddered through him.-- while cutting the rest. Readers have already been told of his beating, and this would tighten the focus on the rat.

II. Wednesday: 7:45 A.M.

One eye refused to open. He pried open his left eye

This gives me visions of a crow-bar. Would there be a better descriptive word? --forced-- perhaps?

alerting the contusions and abrasions to their duty.

The bolded words don't fit the mood being set and pull the reader out of the suspense and mystery. The bit of humor is out of place.

slept on his tongue

What should the reader feel from this word? What does the character feel? Is there a 'taste' or 'nothing'? The word is soft and quiet, asleep, summoning no taste nor imagery.

Dripping tears blurred his vision

Extra word that slows. We've already been told his vision is marred about as much as possible while still allowing him to see. Now here is further dimming. 'Tears' are okay as it helps show the pain, but working the single word into the next sentence would work as well.

The chapter is almost tight enough, but there are still extra words causing it to be too wordy to hold the tension.

With nary a sound, darkness insinuated itself inside him.

This is a great line. It shows his descent back into darkness.
But - coming so near to this line:

The pounding in his temples cascaded to a cathedral’s bell tolling the hour.

I wondered if the pounding eased off, keeping time with the darkness. 'Pounding' and 'nary a sound' conflict and distract.

He recognized the woman inside the Pontiac
Hi. You must be Matty.

Confusing if he recogonized her. If they've not met, a slight rewrite would clarify it. Oh! How did he know she was coming if he hasn't spoken to Bill? Wasn't the pick-up arranged during the P.M. of the day before?

I don’t know if I can spend another day in that shop without it; especially in this heat.”

This line adds wordiness because it's obvious they are speaking of the heat.

The delivery man turned around and a smile crept across his face.

The actions of this character tells me he is part of the mystery. He has no concern of the treatment of customers, because his 'boss' is not a florist, and he has something to do with Bill's condition. If this is wrong, and he's a true deliveryman, he's not acting realistically.

The mystery is building well, a lot of characters are being introduced. The settings are clear. You're doing a good job.

The opening was a bit difficult because the lines don't have much variety of rhythm. It reads much as a list would. Read it slowly and see what I mean. The information is good, not too much nor too little. We know he had a falling-out with someone, but nothing else. Random meeting with a stranger? We'll have to read on to find out.

The chapter held my interest well. Good dialogue that helped show each character as they appeared. It's going to be a good story.





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58
58
Review of Angel Fingers  
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello,

I found your request for serious feedback on "Please Review" 

This is a true story during my travels in S. America. How can I make it publishable?

A travel magazine? Cultural? Political? North American or South publisher? You may be limiting yourself in your choices with this write. At this point, a political mag. would be the only choice. IMO. It would have to include more details to be complete though. With only a couple of lines of political opinions, it isn't ready.

unique downtown park named Cerro Santa Lucia – a uniquely serene area of castle-like

Avoid repeats, especially in short pieces. I suggest you chose one to take out, I also think the second use is the best.

the mountains were barely visible through the brown, haze.

Remove this comma to avoid a bump.

Since the train cars were now moving away, presumably he was still on the train.

Why does this mean he must still be on the train? A little rewritng of the line is needed, I think. The train will go on whether he's on or off.

she ushered us through maze of descending stairways

A word is missing.

When the one younger officer could not find a Capital One

An extra word - unneeded, awkward.

I explained that I carried my passport separately in a money belt under my shirt. “Bueno,” was his response.

Extra words that don't add anything to the story.

The older officer should his head despairingly,

The first bolded word is a typo.
The second seems to be the wrong word. Why would he be --upset, despondent
desperate-- ?

Then donning his cap and jacket, senor escorted us through a back exit.

You'll need to add a name to Senor, or add --the--, though that sounds awkward too. Did you consider sticking with --the Officer--?

He shook our hands and, making a wry smile,

I wondered about this word. I suggest looking it up in a good dictionary and be sure of its meaning. {sarcastic, distorted, an expression of distaste} none of these match his words in this particular line. It would work when he was mocking the President, though.

(We hope that American police would be as helpful and as professional.)
we do think that in Santiago the Baquedano police are the best.
“Obama, si. Bush, no
“angel fingers

These all give separate spins to the piece that will determine by whom and where the piece is likely to be published. I didn't see any outstanding police work being done while one ruffled through a box. What made them better? The comments on the president doesn't give a good impression of these officers, nor make me want to visit the country; they're disrespectful for no reason or purpose. Who did you want to sell this to?

I know 'angel fingers' aren't your words, but they imply pickpockets have a certain 'charm' and are treated lightly.

The focus of the piece isn't clear and the words gave me negative first impressions that may not be intended, but are there. If it's about traveling, show some landscape imagery. Some anecdotes of the local people, something to grab and hold the interest of those who haven't been there.

If it's about the culture of the land, food or people, show it. Take the readers to a restaurant and let them smell the food, describe it. Show a gathering of the people, the mode of dress, the children.

If it's about personal politics, put politics in the list of genres and compare one country to another honestly, with fair examples.

You'll need to decide what kind of piece this is going to be and keep the focus on the theme. If you've been to Chile, write about the trip, the eleven hour bus ride, the sights, the food, the people. It would be interesting and magazines always need good articles to convince tourists to visit. They won't buy if there is anything that can be construed as negative to the people or country. Regular pubishers want to sell to everyone and can't play favorites.

Actually, you seem to have enough material for several articles, which is usually the case. Give them each a focus, keeping them separate, and write them all.

Keep practicing and rewriting -



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59
59
Review of Soul Keepers  
Review by esprit
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi,

Thank you for requesting your review from

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You've a good beginning outline; it's interesting and the horror pulls the reader in.

As I suggested in "The Festival of Change", the voice of the young girl isn't believable, but that's the only area I find weak. Since it's at the opening it's very important to get that part right. Readers won't continue once they find something a little off. Hook them at the start and they'll stay for the journey.

I like the three stories, I feel they're past and present, working on a single timeline and will merge at the climax. I know the old man is from the time of Jess. Good job with him - I think he's going to be very important to the conclusion. Both he and Orin. They are being developed well and are real.

The fight scene is good, described vividly. Both visually and emotionally.
This is coming along just fine. No big issues to worry about. It reads well.

Good job, *Smile*







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by esprit
60
60
Review by esprit
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
Hi,

Thank you for requesting your review from

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Alain blinked his dry eyes

Learning his name is rather abrupt. Perhaps it can be released smoother so the readers can skip this small bump?

Also, is there a point to be made by showing his eyes are dry? It doesn't add to the image, but does add to the wordiness. If you can, I suggest cutting it.

he had no visual wounds, and appeared untouched, save for his clothing.

Except for this little bloody detail? It's a visual wound. Stay consistent with the images.

and hung his head low as he hacked up blood

What troubled him more was that he couldn't remember ever entering the Hall of Ceremony. He shuttered. Alain didn't even know where he was.

make sure that she had escaped when he had told her to
There was no sign of the dagger, either.

considered it odd that he should have survived his bloody encounter

Be sure to tie up the inconsistencies. He doesn't know where he is, yet he know it's called the Hall of Ceremony. He remembers the maiden and the dagger.

We've got to get these bodies out of here immediately,”

Why? What is the urgency? Why weren't there guards on duty. Why did it take so long for the murder to be discovered?

Gregory's face looked perplexed. “The Maiden is in line to be executed for treason as per the Emperor's chief advisor. I told you that earlier, remember?”

How long was Alain knocked out? It seems a lot has happened, yet no guards had meandered the hall in all that time? Wasn't the Emporer guarded? Small details will bring the story to life. Go through scene by scene and color them in.

“Sorry, Greg, I forgot- mustn't have really been listening.” Regil frowned. “Anyway, let's get going so we can notify Advisor Marx before the perpetrator escapes these walls.”

How attached are you to this scene? You're trying to show the fate of the maiden, but this might not be the best way. It sounds unbelievable; I wonder if even the simplest guards would care so little about the beautiful, most feared priestess in the land. It doesn't seem likely to me. You may not have left room to do this info justice, it's pretty important. Perhaps he could have locked her in the deep, rushed back to his office and intends to sentence her after the body is discovered. Something like that would give you time to include more details and really get the readers involved in her welfare. Especially since you'll be working on her personality too.

Another thought. No one really believes the maiden is magic, do they? They aren't afraid of her, aren't afraid to lock her up. No thoughts of her being able to escape 'magically' and harm them. It makes it hard for this reader to believe in her.

Alain jumped up to his feet and cast Regil, sending him careening into Gregory.

This scene should be stronger. It's important to show the physical change in Alain. Make the image clearer as to what he did here.

The word --up--could be cut easily. It's not needed for clarity. The act is obvious.

“Take me to him.” Alain mumbled, his gaze still transfixed on the wall.

“To whom?” Regil asked.

A lowly, uneducated oaf with perfect grammar? Doesn't sound natural.

Gyr was the size of a large city.
The constant hum of voices reverberated off the polished granite walls and the lengths of the cathedral ceilings.

Detail the setting so it's clear if this is a city or if the people are contained inside of a building.

Alain chuckled.
“That's one of the reasons I have to get to the Maiden

Ah, so quick we forget. I thought he was worried about the maiden.

“Look scared.”

Would he have to pretend, knowing where he's going?

We don't know if he's too nervous, or if he's gone mad.

This doesn't sound natural either, to me. It sounds girly. Do you need two options? Going mad is good all by itself.

The expression on Calvin Marx's face nearly made Alain smile.

So Alain remembers Calvin then?

The action is moving the story along and I look forward to the dungeon scenes. There will be a good story by the time it's polished. A hero, a fair maiden, and a castle - good stuff to work with. You're making it your own pretty well.

Again, treat this as the outline and when the story is completed, start over at the beginning and fill in the details. You'll find yourself cutting a lot of it and adding little details in its place. You'll love it and so will your readers.

Good job!







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61
61
Review of The Unborn God  
Review by esprit
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
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The Emperor stood there, waiting for the ritual to commence. Kira put down her arms and shrugged. “I'm sorry Emperor, but I must be alone to do this. Magic this powerful would most likely cause you great harm.”

The first bolded word is extra and obvious, not needed for clarity. --still--, --quietly--could be used if you felt something was needed, but ending at --stood-, waiting... is enough.

I'm wondering if she didn't know she must be alone before she began? This is good if you're trying to show her lack of experience or confidence, but it's a bit awkward and unclear.

Kira pulled an ornate dagger from her belt

The first four paras aren't pulling m e into the world of Kira. The short sentences don't allow the story to unfold smootly, and the reader doesn't learn anything about the character or the activity she's about to perform. These four could be taken out, beginning the story with this line of action. it might be a better hook to catch the reader's attention.

had been

The Emperor turned and started walking down the long red carpet aisle
Kira started to feel anxiety

She started to lose herself in the words.
that had started to course through her

There are a few favorite phrases and words that are repeated close together and that makes them pop out to be noticed. Be aware of using them and weed them out. Repetition is a habit we don't notice until it's pointed out. Look for alternate words or restructure sentences to avoid repeating.

never feel the vivacity of life. He represented all that she would never be able to experience. He was the god of Life.

I suggest removing this line. It's obvious who he is by the surrounding context. The description was clear and to 'tell' it is unnecessary.

Though it was to Ziro Kira prayed the most, to Him she had devoted her life, He had never answered her pleas. She found it oddly ironic that, now, it was for Ziro that she would perform the ritual

Why did she find it ironic? She still feels the same about Ziro, right? Her life is still devoted to him? Perhaps more detail on the purpose of the ritual would clarify her meaning. If she has completely lost faith, let the readers in on it through her inner dialogue - her thoughts.


that had started to course through her
It was slow at first, like a creeping current spreading from the center of her body outward.

Her body trembled as she tried to brace herself against the oncoming pain. A voice in the back of her mind screamed that she was going to lose consciousness.

These are good images. Notice you're using body language here to describe. I found the piece lacks quite a bit of emotion and doesn't allow the reader to feel or know what she feels. This keeps the reader from becoming involved in her predicament. Don't be afraid to say what she feels through her thoughts. 'telling' how she feels doesn't project the same image as having her 'show' it though thoughts and body language. For example:

The very prospect of it frightened her.

This doesn't show she's frightened.

The color of the blade had turned obsidian,

This is a small bump as it appears to say obsidian is a color. Reword to show exactly what is meant. If the knife is made of obsidian, it's
a volcanic glass. From lava and is a popular material for weapons. The color is commonly black, but may be some shade of red or brown, and cut sections sometimes appear to be green. It can be very shiny.

Kira was so forlorn
Just a scratch, the dagger only needed a taste of blood ---
she sunk the razor sharp edge into her skin and dragged it

Her mood is depressed from the beginning, but it increased after the ceremony. I can't tell if the ceremony caused it to increase, but it seeded to. For example, the cut. She intended to ony scratch herself, but 'sunk' the blade into her hand; even had thoughts of suicide. I understand she doesn't like her role, but wouldn't she still respect the gods and their expectations of her? Her attitude is a bit confusing, as there isn't a difference between her humananity and her role as priestess. Is this her first ceremony?

widely perceived to be the most powerful and feared woman in the entire Empire.
She'd noticed them conversing amongst themselves often, periodically sneering at her
“Have you finished with your witchery?” It was the Emperor's first assistant, Calvin.

Again, I wonder why she's treated so badly to her face if she's so powerful and feared? Wouldn't fright of her retaliation demand respect for her?

“Bring me to the Emperor, I'll only answer to him.”

Using --Take-- would be correct here.

A man dashed to Kira and dragged her behind him into the Hall of Ceremony by her arm

This isn't needed and only adds to the word count. 'He dragged her' explains enough.

The man nodded and stared at the dagger wistfully. “It needs to be destroyed.” A lone tear rolled down his cheek.

A bit of drama that the readers will never know the reason behind from this character, he's gone. It may explain itself later, but the tear and wistfulness seemed odd. He recogonized something there.


he lunged at Calvin, knocking him to the ground and pinning him to the floor.
He managed to knee the servant in the groin, stunning his opponent long enough to get a grip

The servant didn't keep Calvin pinned to the floor, did he? This would be difficult to do from his position - with enough force.

When you begin to revise, think about the beginning. The hook there isn't strong enough to pull the readers in. Begin with a good active scene or dialogue. Kira's thoughts there are slow and bland, and don't pull the story forward. The reader still knows nothing about her by the end. The reason for the ceremony is missing, and the interest to continue the read isn't there.

At the end, I only know the town needs the god of life desparately. Get some details in about what is happening and why. They're needed here in the beginning, not in the next chapters.

Work on emotion. I'm seeing a young girl unresigned to 'no life of her own', she wants comfort and love as anyone does. I don't see her as a powerful priestess who (may) hold life and death in her hands. Make her real and alive. You will want to get to know her yourself before you can describe her to others. Have you worked her personality out on paper? I don't think you know her well either. *Smile*

Thinking of this as the outline will give you the freedom to go back in and add details to bring each section to life. It's a good beginning.

I hope the feedback helps you during revisions. I enjoyed the read.







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by esprit
62
62
Review of All that Glitters  
Review by esprit
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
Hi,

I'm going to favorite this one because I like a good gangster story; I think this one is going to be something good. The beginning suspense has already caught my attention.

I'm going to consider this your idea page, not an outline, but ideas for the beginning. They're good. If you'll do the same for the ending, the path will be clearer for you. You may have already done that. *Smile* it's important to know where you're going so no steps are left out. The middle is the hardest part for some writers.

Be sure and keep the action in sequencial order. And develop the character well enough so you and the readers will know what to expect of them. Get into their heads and decide if they're sensible, air-heads, or whatever. This character seemed to be sensible for a moment, but quickly turned into someone who might be an air-head. Here's why.

Italy --What a creative name!

always being watched by someone that she was scared to go home
house was always well lit so
she was sure everything was cool.

She's scared of something and knows she's being watched. She's scared to be home by herself, yes? Yet, because her house is always well lit, she felt safe. There is contradiction here that will need to be straightened out. Why did she feel safe this time if the conditions were always the same?

When I heard the phone I was sure it was her husband or whoever, calling her with a warning not to go inside. That's how quick the suspense caught me. *Smile* I wanted her to answer it right then.

as she popped her trunk (hearing the phone here)
want to chance answering it while trying to get in the house with Nia and lugging two bags of groceries
she unlocked the last dead bolt

Study what she is doing, all at the same time. Is this possible? Is Nia a baby or does she walk beside her mom? She was asleep so I think she's a baby. Can she carry two bags, a purse? and a baby up the walk, and get the key into several locks without setting something down?

brand new Benz to the curb.

A brand new Benz with no garage to shelter it? These cars wouldn't be seen parked at a common, dirty curb like a Ford. *Smile*

A garage would also take care of the other issue above. She could either take the baby inside first, or the groceries, but not everything at once. Side doors enter the house from inside the garage, which might make her feel safer, but can still hide the intruder.

Just throwing some ideas out there. Since the walk up the sidewalk isn't that important to the story, it could easily be taken out. I'm concerned with what happened to the baby when she was hit. I'll have to read the next revision to find out. A Good hook to keep the reader reading.

I'm wondering why she's a target - you've some suspense building up. Good start!







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by esprit
63
63
Review of The Taproom  
Review by esprit
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
Hello,

Welcome to Writing.Com!

You have some good stuff in here! Setting and images are good; the tension is good, but could be increased I believe. maybe just prolonging it would do the same. it's over so quickly the readers hardly have time to absorb the horror of what's happened.

Is this a scene of a larger work? I hope so, because if this is the whole story, it's not complete.

rose above the tumult of the storm outsider --typo--

door leading to outside, which was shut against the rain.
“Daddy,” the boy insisted.
“Roderick, shut it!”
The old bartender

Go into edit and enter a space between each paragraph and lines of each speaker. When the text is crammed together like this, it's difficult to read and besides, it looks messy and you know presentation is important. *Smile*

No shut your mouth, you drunkard.” --typo--

man was thrown down, bleating, down the stairs onto the stone floor of the taproom.

Is this a typo of --bleeding-- or is he actualy --bleating?

A slight re-write of this line might be needed, check it over. Try to get rid of the repeat of --down--, and the last bolded phrase could be cut because the setting is known. Ending the line at floor is good.

“Yes sir. Good.” The officer shifted the position

This is a bump. Who is speaking here, one person or two? Who said --good-- and what does it apply to exactly? If the boss guy said good, who said --yes sir? It looks like there are two speakers and action all on one line, and it's confusing.

the boy’s body flopped down dead instantly.

He was already lying on the floor, so --flopped down--is redundent. How could he fall any lower? I suspect this line could be written with more imagery.

Pause.

Are you mixing in scriptwriting with short story writing? Why is --pause--here?

(his eyes here twisted to his son’s, his mouth open)

Again, this looks like scriptwriting. Which son did he look at? Whose mouth was open? Get rid of the parentheses and clarify the image - and it will be a good scene.

Everyone stood or sat still, frozen almost. Everyone’s mouth was open,

Avoid repetition of words and phrases. You want the reader to see a roomful of patrons standing still with their mouths open. I don't see the image and I don't feel their fear. This is 'telling' instead of 'showing'.

On his way, leaving he turned to the barman.

This is awkward to read. Word structure and punctuation are holding it back. Work with it until it flows smoothly and shows his action.

the officer said, indicating Roderick’s father, bleeding on the floor.

Readers know this, it's not necessary to remind them. Cutting the extra words will tighten it and help raise the tension.

“You, bartender, yes you,” the officer roared. “I have it here,

If the bartender looked up and pointed to himself, I'd see the need for --yes, you--. He didn't do that. You can have him do that though, by adding another line.

The chanting came before the lights.
“Roderick, shut it!”
quivering
his pupils shot about the room
hands were scuffling with his necktie. “Oh my, oh my,” he muttered.

Examples of good tension builders. The iamges show well and the reader can see it. Good job!

Roderick’s father
Roderick’s brother

I wondered if this is the prologue of a story where Roderick becomes the grown-up main character? It sure could be, if he grows up strong and brave. Revenge is always a good topic.

Since I don't know the purpose of the scene, I'm at a quandry as to how to review it. As a prologue, it's good. As a complete story, it's not. Too many questions remain and there's no cause and effect or resolution.

The main character is not established, the plot is unknown.

It's a good one to expand. You're basically a good writer, able to present an exciting scene. Keep practicing and when the scenes are all done, stick them together and I'll read the entire story. I look forward to it.

It's coming along the right track.

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64
64
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello,

Welcome to Writing.Com!

This will be a story of a terribly emotional tragedy when it is finished. It's at the first outline stage now, and can be a heart breaker once details of the characters are developed.

What you have here is the idea, the outline. Get a new piece of paper and use these ideas to show the main character and details of what happens. Let the feelings of fear show through by using your own emotions.

Slow down and tell it slower, by introducing the family to the readers. Show the day before the tragedy. A normal day. Knowing the family will give the readers a chance to sympathize. Explain why mom took the kids upstairs instead of outside. It seemed they were outside for a minute, so show this scene clearly.

Stories are rewritten many times before they are finished, and I look forward to seeing how you develop this one.

Good beginning!


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65
65
Review of YOU ARE THE ONE.  
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello,

Welcome to Writing.Com!

This is a nice tribute to your mom. Good for you to post it for all to read and comment on.

I suggest fixing the spelling before posting though, since you know you have errors. Also, using all capitals isn't attractive. Capitals denote yelling in writers language. *Smile*

The word choices are fine for your purpose of listing the things you like about the person, but variety, rhythm and motion would give it beauty.
Having all the lines begin the same removes these things and turns it into a list.

It's a good first post to break the ice and get some comments coming in, so read other poetry a lot, and practice writing it. You'll get there. We all begin at the same place.

I look forward to watching your writing grow. Welcome.

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66
66
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (2.0)
Hello,

Welcome to Writing.Com!

I like the cheeriness in the character, it made me smile. Is this going to be story for children?

Be aware of repeating information too often, readers usually 'get it' the first time. Also, word repetition is a bad habit. I highlighted a few examples for you.

The sun rays - slowly came upon Nerine's eyes through the window.-- Slowly, she opened her red eyes softly and gazed at the beautiful sun rays from the window. Yawning softly, she slowly sat up and looked at the blue sky from the window. Watching some birds flying here and there, and hearing their beautiful singing, all Nerine could do is to smile warmly at the pretty view.

Using more variety in word choices keeps the read more interesting.


Just then, the door knocked.

Is the door magic? Or did someone knock on the door?

Why would Nerine answer the door for her maid? Wouldn't the maid just come in and help her dress? I'm only asking so you'll be sure to show the differences in royal behavior of this world, from other fantasies. Readers will want to know.

Showing the main character as a sweet, loving, innocent child in a prologue shows this reader that her life is about to change drastically. Perhaps a complete turn-a-round. Keeping a character too perfect is unrealistic, even for a fantasy. I look forward to reading Chap. one to see how she changes.

It isn't clear if this is a prologue or chapter. The title and brief description say it's both.

Enjoy the site!

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67
67
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (2.0)
Hi,

You have the imagination to write interesting storys. This is a good outline, and you could take it in several directions to completion. Leaving some things to a readers imagination is good, but be sure to answer the important questions in a way that is satisfying to the reader. Resolve the problems.

There are a few typos here. These can all be found by getting into the habit of proofreading from a copy.

wearing a three-piece suite

--spelling is --suit--
Adding the 'e' makes this sound like -sweet- which has a different meaning. Spell check will not correct this one.

He was
His black hair
His head -- hang

Beginning lines in the same way turns the paragraph into a list. Reading a list is not interesting. Variety is needed.

--hang-- should be --hung--

The ring has never left his since the day

Slow proofreading will allow you to find missing words.

The wonderful smell of wild flowers even filled the air.

Be aware of using 'filler' words that don't do anything except fill up a space. This word can be cut without changing a thing. It isn't needed.

the girl locked herself in her for weeks crying at all hours
pressure put on the by the towns people

load of dirt and stared digging around the object with his fingers.
A solid gold rind

Missing words and spelling errors.

Are they truly young enough to call 'boy' and 'girl', or are they adults? How do you want them seen by the readers? Stay definite in the descriptions of characters.

The first confusion I found was in the girls behavior. Seeing her on the ground as an abandoned kitten told me she loved him and he was going to do something she was against. But when she rose with anger and disgust, slapping him with all the hate she could muster, I didn't see love any longer. Yet she hid herself away for weeks, sobbing. Was she mourning him or what he'd done?

What had he done?

The problem needs to be introduced, worked through and resolved by the end.
Finding the ring is mysterious, and a good hook, but why was it there?
It could have been thrown there by its owner, or?

The setting. Since he was in a suit with white stripes, I imagined her in a long dress with a parasol. I saw them standing in the grassy town square, with buggies circling the streets. It's a nice image, but it's my image. What's the real setting?

Continue the story, fill in the blanks, the details, background. You've a good skeleton to work with.




by esprit
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68
68
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello,

Welcome to Writing.Com!

I enjoyed reading this article, the title caught my attention because everyone could use a little extra income.

The thing is, the title is just like every other title out there and I don't believe them. *Smile* Be creative and make it different from the rest if the business is truly different.

I found a few places editing is needed.

These days extra money is very needed in our homes

Either the word --much--is needed after -very-, or it could be taken out. It would still say the same thing.

has been the number worldwide leader

This word is missing a qualifier too, --one--? Actually since -leader- means number one, I suggest removing it.

Have access to the best and most reliable jobs on the market today.

A missing word. --Members--have access?

Work From And Make Thousands A Week.

A missing word.

You, realizing it a fraud but it are too late.

Grammar is awkward. Try --it is-- and

The sentence sounds off balance, actually, and you might think about rewriting it. --By the time you realize it's a fraud, it's too late.-- Play with it until you are satisfied it says exactly what is meant.

want to feel at ease knowing that, that company is looking out for you
A bit awkward again. --knowing that --the--company-- would sound smoother.

Save time and money when having the right information and resources

The subject is missing. -You will save?-- or replace the bolded -when--with --by-- and decide if it sounds better.


Phony promises, giving you hope of financial freedom, and taking your money.
First thing is trust
You can even ask questions about the companies before you decide to apply for a position.

How can a hopeful job-seeker be assured this company is different? Why should anyone trust a company that requires money to even see the list? Can questions be asked an employer before a payment is made? This sounds like the same old promise to me. Be creative.

To convince anyone this company is the place to get real jobs, there will need to be proof. Testimonies can be and are, typed up by anyone.

So many would love to find a bona fide site that they could trust, and if this is it - convince them. Do you have personal knowledge that it's on the up-and-up? Say so.

Good luck!

If you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask anyone.




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69
69
Review of Different  
Review by esprit
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello!

Thanks for requesting a review on "Invalid Item"   by A Guest Visitor

You've got a good beginning draft. The story is clear and the character is being developed well. I saw her as older than seven, but it wasn't a problem. She would naturally be wiser than seven; she's been around a long time. *Smile*

I peered over a rusted railing, and see people, both men and women,

This is good description! Later, if you decide to tighten it up, you can consider removing --both men and women-- because --people--already includes both. Extra descriptions can make a piece wordy and slow the tension.

The kid was gone this morning. Unfortunately, nobody was surprised.

I suggest making each line clear to the readers. Both of these lines needs clarifying. Where did the boy go, and why is it --unfortunate--, and why was no one surprised? Recheck through the story for areas that might need more explanation.

Take another look at the transitions of scenes. Sometimes it's difficult to know she's still walking the road and remembering, because there are a lot of words between her starting her walk along the road and reaching the cemetary. Readers will forget. I believe just mentioning her progress on the road a bit more often, will keep the timeline consistent.


ago due to old age, and I was alone. I became a walking corpse.

Wouldn't she already be this? Think about --I was a walking corpse--since she had been one for a long time.

I like the idea. I like the somber, dismal quality of the words, and the tone of the voice. They're quiet and the slow melancholy sets the dark mood well.

Good work!










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70
70
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hi,

Thank you for requesting your review from ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

You've written an informative educational piece directed to a certain audience. It seems complete in its purpose and should be easy to understand for that particular audience. I believe you've done a good job with the listing.

There are punctuation errors that can interrupt the understanding though, and I suggest you find someone to help you clear those up.

While you're in Edit place an E in the Intro Rate box so this will show up in all relevant lists. Leaving it blank will keep it off some of those. The Intro Rate refers to the title and brief description having no 'curse' words, and your's doesn't.

Cotton is also grown organically

This word causes the reader to pause for a moment because it appears to be a continuation of a line. 'also' refers to a difference between two types, while only 'organically' is mentioned. Should there be a reference to a cotton that is grown another way? Perhaps using insecticides?
The line doesn't read smoothly and in a first line, smoothness is very important.

To determine the originality of organic cotton certification from Eco institutes necessary.

Try a comma after -cotton--. There is a natural pause there.
There is a word missing here. --is--necessary.

Flax/Linen are terms associated with bast fibres its fineness is

A period after --fibres.--Capital --Its--for new sentence.

Nylon ,Spandex , Microfibres are

Place the commas next to the last letters, with no space before them. Place the space after each comma.

Polyester are polyamide fibres it is spun as filament/spun yarns

Grammar issue. --are--follows a plural, is follows a singular.
--polyester is-- polyesters are--note the s making it more than one - plural-. There are a couple of these. Read through slowly to find them. The structure of the line is awkward due to punctuation and grammar issues. They all work together to make a work read the way it should. For example:

--Polyesters are polyamide fibres that are spun as filament/spun yarns.-- or:

--Polyester is a polyamide fibre. It is spun as filament/spun yarns.--

Folded yarns are called as cabled yarn were two or more yarns plied/doubled.Fancy

I suggest removing --as-- if possible. I can't find why it's needed so it appears to be a typo. If it has another meaning in the industry, then leave it.

--were--should be --where--

I want to read this as --yarns are plied double.-- Is that what you mean?

Fancy Combed yarn are even in nature ,yarn defects as kitties,slubs,neps,oil stains will be reflected in Grey\ fabric

This line is difficult for a reader not familiar with the subject, so forgive me if I have it wrong. I'm trying. *Smile*

--even in nature-- made me stop to figure out what is meant.

--defects as -- I assume the following words apply to special terms, but it would be easier to follow with a slight change.
For instance; --defects such as kitties,--. Adding the word --such--will clarify this as a list of example terms.

Can a new sentence begin with --Yarn defects--?

For good fastness reactive dye are used.Fluroscent & Pigment dyes are used .

(Single) -dye is used.--

.Dyed fabrics are in be free from patches
,consistency ,free from lot variations

The wording seems off. --to be free--? sounds more likely.

I question including --consistency--in this list. The list is naming issues the fabrics should not have. Consistency must apply to something definite, but it sits here by itself. Maybe you intended to include it with patches? With no comma to separate them?

Development Managers in Apparel Industry
FIBRES
Cotton is also grown organically

Separate the title with a blank space. Separate each organizing heading, such as --FIBRES- from the next line with a blank space.

resistance,Light Fastness.are some of the basic testing.
FINISHING

QUALITY
Point/AQL systems

A line space is needed.

The other paragraphs look good. Formatting is important because the page should look clean and neat. It makes your writing more appealing and credible.

At this point, punctuation is the biggest issue to be fixed. If you don't understand it well, have a friend who knows how look at it.

The rate reflects an average draft with work needed.
Good luck with your goals.






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by esprit
71
71
Review of Purse  
Review by esprit
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello,

Welcome to Writing.Com!

This is interesting and pretty unique - creative. Writers truly can write on any topic, can't they? *Smile*

I enjoyed the fun read.

an great explaination of myself

delicatley called


The Brief Description spelling errors are --A--and --explanation--
The second is --delicately--

Enjoy the site!


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72
72
Review by esprit
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello,

Welcome to Writing.Com!

Wow, this is full of action, I can tell your imagination was working on overtime here. Good job!

I like the action and the excitement reading this gives. It has the potential of a good story. There are some funny lines that brought a chuckle as I read. For instance:

He turned toward the camera and said. “Well that’s enough excitement for one day.”

then pull the pin.”
Mark handed me the grenade.

This dark humor fits the theme perfectly, and helps to show the boys. Well done.

Intro Rated:
Non-E

If you edit this and change the Intro Rate to E, the piece will appear to more members, raising your reader potential. The Intro Rate only applies to the Title and Brief Description, and as there is no 'bad' words there, it can be E.

While you're in the Edit mode, go down and hit the enter key at the end of every paragraph and after each separate speaker finishes his lines of dialogue. That will place space there to make the page cleaner and easier to read. It's pretty important. If you get into the habit of hitting the entry key after each while you're writing, it will save you a lot of time.

There are details that could be added to show who these boys are and why they do this. How did Alvin infect the whole neighborhood, for instance. Questions that readers will want to know the answers to. You've a good outline to work with. Write the complete story and then post the ID number at a few review forums for feedback.

You're off to a fine start, enjoy the site!

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esprit

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73
73
Review of autumn  
Review by esprit
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
Hello,

Welcome to Writing.Com!

You've written a lot here, I can see you've been busy. Good for you. Reviewers will need the first chapter in order to give you comments on the characters and plot. I'll check back when it's posted. The opening is the most important to get right. In the meantime, write the story and get it all down the way you want it.

This part is interesting as it appears to take place partially in Greece, and they don't speak the language. That could lead to some great events.

Oh, one thing I do need to bring to our attention. Both voices are the same, leading me to think both characters were male. The name 'Chris' could also be male. Work on the tone of each to give them the lilt and varience to show different characters.

Keep writing and when it's completely finished, post it in a few review forums for feedback.

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Enjoy the site, it's a great place. *Smile*





esprit

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74
74
Review of death scene  
Review by esprit
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello,

Welcome to Writing.Com!
death scene from a piece i am working on.

Wow, this started off with a bang, good job! I see you're still working on this one, so I will keep my comments to the story elements at this stage.

The image is brought to life with the ally scene, the running and knocking her down was vivid. That caught my attention and I wanted to know what was happening.

and darkness was eating my vision.

A good, creative line.

“See your fine now, it was a mistake is all, just a mistake.” I

This is --you're-- for --you are fine--

“What.....” I started. But I remembered. I was walking home from the grill where I worked. I had gotten off late, it was the middle of the night, you know when all the creepers come out. I was passing a particularly creepy alley and a dark blur hit me from the side. My head hit the cement hard, I was dizzy. Then I felt a sharp pain that started in my neck, then traveled all the way to my core. I looked at the woman in front of me and felt my eyes go cold. I was pissed. I quickly crab walked my way to a wall and stood up with my back against it. One less angle for them to come at me.
“What’s going on?” I demanded. My voice was icy. There were four of them. The old woman, and three more figures in cloaks.

In this paragraph, it isn't clear if she's remembering all the way through, or if the --I looked at the woman--is now, present time. That will need to be cleared up at some point. I believe the paragraphs shows both the present and the night before. Those can be separated by paras to keep clear.

For online reading, use a space between each paragraph and each speaker's dialog lines. The page will look neater, be easier to read, and correct. You don't need indents too, unless you want to.

You're very good with descriptives. I could vision the old lady well, and the setting. I could feel her cold and why she was so cold. She was in some sort of stone cave, and they are cold. *Smile*

You've a good start to your story. Don't worry with punctuation until you've got the story down. Don't be careless either, but write the story as fast as it comes to you. You know where you're going, so get it down before it fades away. I'd like to see what is going on with this character when the next chapter is up.

Description is vivid and easy for the reader to enter the scene.

My head was throbbing, I felt nauseous. Then the smell hit me, it was stale and rancid. I rolled to my side and emptied the contents of my stomach, I kept heaving even though there was nothing left. I hurt all over, I let out a soft moan.

I can feel exactly how she felt. Beautiful descriptions.
Now, it isn't perfect, too many sentences beginning with --I--, and it's a bit wordy, but again, this is your working draft and it won't be perfect yet. Write the story, finish it, then post it in some review forums. The revisions can begin at that time. I have a review forum and I'd be interested in seeing this story through its revisions, if you like. When you've written it, you can post it here.

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Well done! I sense a talent here.


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75
75
Review by esprit
Rated: ASR | (2.5)
Hi,

Thank you for requesting your review from ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
I am stuck! I need people to review and critique honestly & constructivly.

while lowering himself to the top stair, setting down his coffee and lighting a cigarette.

Sentence structure needs looking at again. I'm having trouble with him lighting the cig 'while' doing the rest of it. I believe he would have to do that after sitting his coffee down. It can't all be done at the same time.

cash I hid inside the card slots of my wallet is still there. It is. So are the checkbook and credit cards I’ve hidden under the driver’s seat.

Good showing of her relationship, where she has to hide and sneak. Her husband is either controlling, or she is a spendthrift, and he has to watch the money. If he handles the money, how is it he doesn't know she has a checkbook? It will come clear later, I assume.

a shawl, my favorite ‘comfy’ jeans,
Chaco sandals and my favorite jeans,

Two pair of 'favorites'? This makes her sound like a teenager. Is that the intention?

After I adjust my sunglasses, I remove the ten pound weights from my left hand, hiding them in the ashtray without giving them a second thought.

This is a large bump and really could use some detail to clarify. Knowing what she was referring to wasn't evident immediately.

This isn't a 'bad' opening chapter. It introduces the main character, the problem she has, and how she handles it at this first stage. The down issue is the lack of excitement I feel. She's calm and she's telling me what happened without letting me in on her emotional reaction. The chapter needs a good, strong hook to keep it interesting. A hint of mystery maybe, or danger.

My attention gravitates towards
my attention falls onto a locket

The repetition is very noticeable. Can you change one phrase for variety?

Madison would love that locket. She worships Annie, and wants a locket

Who is Annie, and why is she here?

“I’ll call you back.” He speaks listlessly into the phone.

Using this word to describe his voice alerts me he's not too anxious to speak to her, especially since he didn't expect her.

“Shopping…”
“Okay…” He thinks I’m an idiot! I mean…”
“Sorry. I… I.” What are you doing? Spit it out! “I mean, I’m, um, I…”
The corner of his mouth turns up
“If you have time, I mean, I don’t… ” He nervously shoves his hands in his pockets. The unsure expression in his eyes as they dart around

Put each speaker on their own line, along with their own thoughts. Don't separate one speaker's lines when they speak several lines. It's difficult to keep speakers straight, especially when the other's thoughts are inserted in the wrong lines.

They have the best concoctions
They hosted the occasional live band and a diversity y
I haven’t lived here in two decades

How is it possible she knows so much about this place when she hasn't been here in years? Things change, usually. Twenty years with the same painted walls wouldn't look so nice. (peeling) If it's going to be mentioned, a few more details would show new decor in the same scheme as before- or something.

the minute his hand moved down my face and grasp under my chin, ----grasped--

Oh s***. Tell me he can’t read my mind.
He can’t. Thank God.

These lines delute the emotional scene she remembered. They could be removed easily, because the 'flush' is wonderful imagery to show her embarrassment. The first two are 'telling' what the readers will know with the next.

I feel flush after my vivid recollection. “Uh, umm...”

“First, tell me about your kids.” He demands, while slyly picking up the black billfold

I question these two words, and wonder what I missed. They don't fit what I see and hear.

Rubbing the back of his head, he narrows his eyes

How did the back of his head become injured? If two bend at the same time and bump heads, which part of the head is banged?

“Don’t make think. I’m on vacation.”

This phrase needs work. Is a word missing, or is she talking baby-talk?

“Jackson.” His face visibly winces at the sound of his name. “He used to…”

This is awkward and confusing. Talking about two separate men, and calling both of them --he--is confusing to the readers. Reading should be fast, smooth and no bumps.

“I just pray that there is big, bright rainbow waiting for me.”

A word is missing.

“They are with their respective mothers for the weekend;

It's unusual for the father to get full time custody. There's another story here.

“It’s fine, you’re just the one that surprised me this time, that’s all.” I quote.

He chuckles at the reference in my response.

I didn't get the joke of the 'quote'. They both said --surprised--, but...?

As I turn right, the parking lot across the movie theatre
Granted, we weren’t being held up by a stranger trying to rob us,

The transitions into memory could be smoother, especially this one. It appears they both actually 'see' something, and the reader waits for the image that only turns into a memory. Needs to be smoother.

wide-eyed and visibly horrified, laughter begging to escape his throat.

I can't imagine a truly horrified face that wants to laugh. These are two separate emotions. What should the reader see and feel?

But, you don’t feel you have to baby sit me…”

Remove the extra word.

As a draft, this beginning is clear. The reader knows what's happening well enough. It's moving kind of slow, four chapters in and there's been no conflict yet. I haven't seen any hints of things to come, and no sharp hook to keep me on the edge. Comedy is listed, but hasn't appeared yet. The ending is still a complete mystery. That's good, readers shouldn't be able to figure it out too quickly. It's a quiet read that will appeal to a certain audience wanting this type of relaxation. Nothing wrong with that.

Your setting descriptions are excellent, the problem is we don't actually spend any time at any one setting. The cafe is unique, then we go outside to a table beside a lake or pond. I enjoyed seeing the bridges at different points. I imagined them as curved and made from wooden planks, with wood railings. Nice.

Your request said you're stuck, and I can tell. Do you have the ending thought out yet? How do you want it to end? You might work on that end for a while so you can see where the character has to go to get there. I suggest getting some excitement and tension in here if for no other reason than to keep it fun. Make things happen through action. It's boring to only eavesdrop on conversation, and so far that's what is happening. You need to know where the story is going, Make a quick outline, problem, conflict, climax, resolution. Then, fill in some details. You'll soon be unstuck. *Smile*

Always - Enjoy your writing!



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