I like the gentle tone I hear and feel. It has a sweetness to it.
As a reader of poems, I noticed a couple of things that caused bumps as I read.
A child you crawled into your cocoon, as the metamorphoses inside took hold.
Try a comma after -child-, and see if it reads smoother. The child is the 'you', isn't it?
you crawled into your cocoon,
Willing to put her heart on the line, time after time. She showed me courage and love I thought I'd never know.
And as these years have gone by, I've watched you emerge
The pronouns are confusing to me. It sounds like 'you' and 'your' and 'she' is the same character as 'you'. If that is so, why not keep it consistent all the way through? If not, it needs clarity.
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A child you crawled into your cocoon, as the metamorphoses inside took hold.
A lovely image.
I like the words chosen: emerge, shell, crawled into. They show a shyness, a hesitant unsureness that we all know.
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Prompt: Quote
We shall never know all the good that a simple smile can do.
Tears prickled in my eyes. My voice was soft and strained from holding back tears.
Read the first line without --in--. I believe it's stronger without it. --in--is obvious.
This is redundant. The second phrase could be cut to avoid it, or it could be rewritten without saying the word --tears--. Perhaps,
--from holding them back--?
She crossed the short distance to the little boy
Her voice floated across the room to me,
I believe more could be shown of the setting. I don't see it clearly. The first line is the most logical; the second contradicts their positions. I believe they're standing closer together than --across the room--.
we moved down the empty hall
I don't feel the excitement of crowds of kids and parents that are usually found on the first day. I'm surprised the hall is empty. Filling it would help increase the tension of the child.
Amber’s hand reaching out blindly for mine
--reached--
Do you want to come with your mom and I?
--me--
around the room exploring the different areas until they came to a stop once more at the front
The word -area- is used at least five times and became noticeable. Changing -once more- to --again-- would simplify the read, and wouldn't change the meaning at all.
The first bolded phrase doesn't do the job of 'showing'. I know this was told during Amber's tour, but that doesn't 'show' either. It 'tells' and the reader isn't able to 'see' the room through the narrator's eyes. What did they really see? More thought put into the setting would definitely improve the piece. What about smells of chalkboards and paints? Are they absent on the first day? Did Mom remember her first day? Are the windows placed so the kids can see outside? What did Amber see in the Art and Craft area? Did she show excitement through her eyes as she looked at Mom? Is she less nervous now?
reminded myself to breathe, as a cold blast
No comma needed here. There is at least one more.
I watched, speechless, as the little boy’s thumb
I wondered why she was so surprised. She knows her daughter is friendly, and she knows kids relate to each other better than to adults. Wouldn't this be natural?
The emotion is weak. I see mom is nervous, but Amber shows it better by not letting go of my hand.
The story is about Mom, so more inner thoughts of how she feels would help bring out more emotion. Pride and regret are battling inside her, bring it out. (through her thoughts)
The theme is good and realistic. The prompt is used well. The difference the smile made shows in the effect of the teacher's smile on Mom, and Amber's smile to Nathan. Apparently, Amber adjusted quickly on her own. Most kids do better than the parents.
I believe more emotion from mom, and a more descriptive setting is all that's needed. The addition of a busy hallway would give a clearer image of first day nerves to Amber.
You've changed a few things, and it sounds good. The setting description can be seen in the imagination, and be anything the writer chooses. The reader can see it clearly.
I began sliding my way through the grass like a snake, inching my way towards the animal. I worked my way so close that I could see the moisture
Now the repetition. Do you see where the words are repeated three times close together? That's something for you to be aware of, and avoid doing when possible. Unless it's done on purpose. It doesn't work in this story I don't think.
The first two bolded word sets could be removed without losing any imagery. Leave the last set in. Read the lines without the bolded and see how it still makes sense. --sliding through--makes sense. You decide what to do though.
mongrenasher
What a great name! This even sounds huge and ugly. Kids will love it, and begin calling their own dogs that. (or each other!) You may start a fad.
I noticed the title and brief description and it caught my interest.
I enjoyed the read, it reminded me of the old song, "This Old House", do you know it? According to your brief description, this is the same theme.
A poem about fighting the storms of life
My house
I assumed My House refers to My Life. I didn't see the relation to life though, it remained focused strictly on a house surviving storms. It's good and I enjoyed the read, but it didn't show me lifes struggles. I did see a sturdy, old house that sheltered someone for many years, and still does, though it is very old and in need of repair.
I long to see the sun peak through the breaking clouds.
This is a short story that I would like to have published as an illustrated childrens book
This is good. The light tension holds well all the way, but I think there is a way to make the tension just a little stronger. Kids like to imagine real danger and they like to be scared,you've got a real start on that. I wonder which age group you're aiming for. Six to eight?
alert for clues to aid in tracking my pray.
Typo of --prey--
animal was just to fast.
This should be --too--
I believe if this was a bit more scary, boys will enjoy it more. The setting and plot reveals itself too early and there's no time to build up the tension. For instance:
four toed barking muttmonster,
smell a T-bone steak Muttmonsters were known for burying their unfinished meals.
Don't tell them what it is. Make them wonder and worry. Each of the bolded phrases will give away the secret. Consider changing them. The last could be something like --their victims--.
--mutt--can only be a dog. Kids will not be fooled, and they'll be disappointed that you didn't let them guess. Let mother reveal it.
A young boys imagination transforms his back yard.
This takes away the mystery. Don't give away the setting, let the story do it. The jungle is very hard to see once the reader knows it's only the back yard.
The story is good. It moves along well and the descriptions are clear. The best part is when he crawls along the grass at the end. Great imagery there. Good tension build-up, and if I didn't know what he was going toward, it would have been more exciting. Changing just a few things will do wonders for this one. I hope you consider it, but it's completely up to you. I enjoyed the read.
The Brief description caught my attention well, especially since the genre is sci fi.
Writing a sci fi about being able to change skin is fascinating, and could go on to become a great story.
This one didn't cover enough story to become a complete story, though. I believe it tried to reach too far for a flash. I will explain.
Grazen’s Disease
I Google searched for this, but couldn't find anything specific. If the story is about the hazards of the disease, more detail is needed. Would a true desease belong in sci-fi?
each a fun-house reflection
This made me think both characters had congenital abnormalities that would be shown, but that didn't happen. Abnormalty doesn't seem to be the case. More details will be needed. What do you want the reader to see and imagine and take away from the story?
his secretary’s lilac lotion.
A hint of marriage trouble.
Each of these are leads to something more, but a flash doesn't give room for more. It has room for one aspect only, and it must have a beginning, middle and end, to be a complete story. There are questions left to be answered at the end. The reader didn't find out why she is getting drafts. The reader can guess by a few statements made, but guessing isn't as satisfying as seeing it through words.
the one on her left arm eliciting a soft moan.
Was the moan elicited from the main character, Mathis, or the skin itself when Mathis touched it?
leaving Jessica to hope
This refers to the marriage problem, I believe. It needs more details for the reader to fully relate.
The temporary skin grafts softly sloshed as the technician shifted them
Are they dripping with a liquid as he lays them on?
she lazily went to the bathroom
This word doesn't describe the action or the character too well. If you took it out, the line would read the same.
The brief description led me to believe the skin drafts were done for purely cosmetic reasons, a choice to change to younger skin, maybe. But, it seems to be for medical reasons that aren't explained clearly.
I didn't understand the sci fi connection. The idea would make a good story, though. If there was no word limit, you could write the whole story until it's finished. That would give you room to bring everything in and make it very interesting.
Why don't you use this as the idea and work with expanding it?
I thought this might be a comedy piece at first, but checking the genres, I see it isn't. It's quite serious.
I realised nice and young, that men are dogs...And that I would fall for all of the worst ones..
This is sad. I feel a strong emotion of disallusionment.
probably inlove
This is two words. --in love-- there are several.
are only learning now...That
Using too many ellipsis becomes distracting to the readers, they get in the way. I'm including a link about these little guys for you if you want to look them over. It's a good idea to learn how to use them. You will find many helpful articles on site. Use the search box with keywords and you can find anything. Many need help with punctuation, especially me.
This is a beautiful piece of writing. It's romantic and sad, with uplifting understanding to end with. It works with this 'boring' character that he doesn't know what he has. He probably didn't change much, but he now understands what he must do to keep her happy, and 'he can do that'.
The descriptions of the setting bring it to life for this reader, I could walk beside him and hear the footsteps. Wonderful.
Sometimes Fate helps us and we don't realize it, finding the puzzle at the right time is believable.
The characters emotion is strong and matches the thoughts. Nothing is overdramatic or underplayed. The reader is pulled in with belief and feels glad of the resolution.
A satisfying read that covers a beginning, climax and ending.
Well done!
You've a great story going here, I enjoyed it completely. The interest was maintained through the realistic dialogue. Good writing!
I have a couple of suggestions for you, but they are only suggestions. There are also numerous punctuation and spelling issues you will need to edit when you prepare the last draft.
"damme! get another isotope ready henry."
"sir, maybe you should take a break for a couple days, your been running yourself ragged."
"maybe your right henry... i think i will.
You could 'show' tiredness here by having him hit the table with his fist, then rub his eyes or something. Body language does a lot for 'showing' to cut back on 'telling'. That would also show why Henry suggested a break. Readers could see the exhaustion. Act the scene out yourself, what would you do at that point?
high grade uranium is for gov use only. not for some wacky hyper class room nut."
Did he say --gov--, or is abbreviating a convenience for the writer? If it's a convenience, spell it out in the final draft.
"i know but have you tried mixing isotopes?"
"i sure we ha... wait. i dont think so. you think that may be it?"
It's surprising that the chairman would think of this. Is the chairman a scientist too?
your been running yourself ragged."
--You've--
"maybe your right henry... i think i will.
--you're--
he and his assitant - henry
---assistant--
machinery, used in contruction and automotive
---construction--
There are more. Read it aloud from a printed page so they'll be easier for you to find.
he called him back, after a few seconds a secratary picked up the phone. "chairman Lucas's office. how may i help you?" "dalene, get me ron will you?"
First words in a sentence and proper names are always capitalized.
I liked the story. It moves along fine and makes sense. It had a tone of realism because of the topic, I think. The world is waiting for this source of energy.
Treat each speaker's dialogue as a separate paragraph and put space between them. The page will look cleaner and more inviting.
You know, I just thought of something else. The title and brief description doesn't match with anything in the story. At least I can't find the connection. I think 'mankind' is ready, the government is another matter. 'Manhood' is a mystery to me.
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I'm sorry you haven't had any reviews yet, we'll fix that right now.
This is a sad piece. The words tell a heartbreaking story. I believe if you would work on the rhythm to give the lines more room, it would read and sound smoother to your readers. The lines are too close to the same short length, and that gives them a choppy sound when read aloud, like a list of chores. Add some words of emotion and imagery, count the syllables, and let the sadness out to grab the heart of the readers. You can do it.
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Have you heard the advice, 'Write what you know?' I think you have, and this is it. The excitement and tension came through vividly, and I could hear the band.
You've done a good job with this piece!
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This is romantic, and romantic is popular. The message is clear and easy to understand. It has a soft tone that sounds good to my ears.
The only issue I found is spelling errors that take away from the read. You can find them with a slow read through. If you can print it out, errors are easier to spot; they really are.
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You've got a good idea here, and I agree. I enjoyed the read. The lines read smoothly with no bumps, and are easy to understand. I noticed no typos to get in the way. Good proofreading!
The page is presented attractivly to invite your readers in.
It was a pleasure!
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I enjoyed reading your item and agree with it, mostly. There are always two sides to every scenarion.
This is the main point of your piece and my favorite.
She forgives you, but your boss doesn't for that important meeting you missed. You're fired.
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You've the beginning of an interesting paper. Philosophy requires a special audience, and it needs strong hooks to hold its readers. You've a strong hook here for me, when you say, 'there is no right or wrong'. I would like to know why you come to that decision.
I didn't quite understand the point of the write; I think because it didn't stick with any one view. It could use more time spent on saying what you want to say clearly.
There are some typos, punctuation issues, and may have one spelling error. I didn't recognize the word -- encompted--, and the sentence didn't help me know what it could mean, exactly.
During final revision, be sure and place a space between paragraphs, to improve the presentation of the page.
I enjoy the genre and look forward to reading it again.
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I found your request for serious feedback on "Please Review"
Contest entry and first piece for WDC. I'd love to have a detailed critique
And I love to give detailed critiques, but you didn't leave anything for me to do except read a delightful story.
I found no bumps, nothing to slow it down, or get in the way. The descriptions are good, the setting is seen clearly, right down to where I wanted to tell her to open the window. I'm glad he did.
The emotions are true and realistic, showing friendship and understanding.
This is a sad and emotional piece. The story is clear and the imagery vivid. You've done a good job with it.
It reads well. There are a couple of grammar typos.
my pain was to great for tears.
take me to.
This use is spelled --too--. It means, 'also' --take me 'also'--
and it means 'more' --pain was 'more' great. Maybe that will help you remember the rule.
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What a vivid scene you've painted! Good work. I could feel the elements of the blizzard clearly. You're good with descriptions, aren't you? This pulled the reader in to hope he survived, and he made a good surprise entrance.
These are good ways to practice your writing, keep them coming.
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This is pretty good for a first draft. I enjoyed reading of the children, they reminded me of the way my mornings used to begin.
--I--twenty-four sentences begin with --I--. Try to structure most of these so they don't. Reading too many --I's--becomes annoying.
Ok, fine, I love you too sweat heart.
A typo of --sweetheart--
I pick Madison up out of her high chair and carry her into my office. I set her down in her playpen, and I take a seat at my desk. I have two projects due today and I haven’t started either of them yet. I get up and walk over to my cabinet that holds all
Changing the beginning word will give your sentences more interest, and you'll avoid lines that sound and read like 'lists'. I do this and I do that won't hold a readers interest too long. Just play with the words and see what you come up with.
The setting is described to give a good image to the readers. I can see the room and the actions of Lilly and Jonathan. Good job there.
Keep practicing with these short pieces, and read a lot. It's not easy to write well, but you'll make it.
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My goodness, what a beautiful piece of writing! These 'random' thoughts fit together like the puzzle mentioned in the write - perfectly. The imagery is good and the message is clear and understandable. I truly enjoyed reading your random thoughts.
To love, be loved is to the soul as rain to a thirsty plant. We bloom, raise our heads. Feel fulfilled once more.
This is not really a bump, but a small suggestion. It seems to me to want the word --to--be loved-- in the bolded area. I believe it would finish the thought wonderfully. Your decision.
I often consider myself shaped like a jigsaw puzzle piece. Hopefully measuring myself against others in the hope that one day, more parts will touch each other than the often found huge gaps that separate me from the pieces already tried.
I believe this is the heart of the piece, at least for me. I feel like this often.
I enjoyed the read - well done!
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I enjoyed reading this piece. It made me smile with visions of how good a newly mowed lawn smelled and looked, and laugh with memories of hiding easter eggs in the tall grass.
It was interesting and gives out some profound truths. I laughed at the last lines.
I'm so glad to have a high maintenance lawn, it gives my retired spouse something to do with his time -and that's the best reason of all. Natural chaos is the best though, if it were allowed, that's the way I'd go.
Well written and enjoyable. No typos!
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