I see talent here; you're not new to writing, are you?
This is good. The beginning does what a good beginning should do. It gives just enough information to catch the readers attention and hopefully, interest. Yours did that. I know a lot about the character already, and the new setting she's been placed in.
a face tha had every line of his life engraved into it.
A typo of --that--
gave him the impression that he was a hard-working, but happy.
Removing the first two bolded words would smooth the line and avoid some problems. The last bolded phrase needs an ending word, such as --man-- if you decide to leave the --a--in. But I still suggest you remove the --a-- for a tighter read.
" said pappy
Since this is used as his name, it needs to be capitalized.
a hard-working, but happy. "We're almost there, I promise." said pappy
Lucy realized that this of the few promises she that had been told to her that
Separate the dialogue of each speaker with a space. Treat them as separate paragraphs. While we're on the subject of paragraphs, hitting the enter key at the end of each one will leave the perfect space between them. The page will be presented neat and clean, and the reader's eyes will not ache as much. Eyes need a place to rest when reading from monitor's.
grand mammy ---grandmammy--one word.
"Can't wait," Lucy muttered.
Her grand pappy just gave her a crooked smile that seemed to say, it'll be alright.
An example of good showing. I know at once that Lucy is used to moving, and isn't looking forward to this one either.
Grandpappy is a kind man, understanding and a sense of humor.
the same age as Lucy.
Her age is revealed naturally, and a hint of a friend. (hopefully) It urges me to turn the page to see how she will get along with her new family. Well done with a closing hook!
The chapter is brief, but strong. Good job!
Enjoy the site!
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This is very good. The imagery and emotion bring it to life and I am able to see from the main character's eyes, and feel her fear. The tension builds slowly and the end is truly a horror.
The only thing you will need to do in future writes, in leave space between each paragraph. Hitting the enter key at the end of each leaves the perfect space. It improves the presentation of the page, and makes the read 'reader friendly'. Blocks of text are intimidating to readers and make the eyes hurt.
The writing is fantastic!
Enjoy the site!
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This is the start of an interesting article. You're right, the people need to not forget their freedom and stand up and protest when the politicians only look out for themselves. I know all countries have this problem. Here in America, the people have grown lazy and that's very dangerous for freedom.
I suggest you add more information so those who aren't from India can understand better.
and brought the bill and got passed it.
Try switching these words to have a smoother sound.
--got it passed.--
No spelling or grammar errors, great job!
Well done - enjoy the site!
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You've done a good job with the emotion. It's strong and can be felt and heard by the reader. Probably because it is true. I'm sorry it's happened to you.
There are some issues for you to consider when writing for the public.
I thought to myself i couldnt be possible.
I believe the first bolded word is a typo of --it--
The second has lost its apostrophy somewhere. --couldn't--
why did you have to go now?
The first word in a sentence is always capitalized.
my graduation is not to far from now
Grammar. This one is --too--
what happen daddy?
--happened--And since you're using daddy as a name here, it should be capitalized also. --Daddy--
i know your still with me, its like your right next
When using --i--as a pronoun, it needs to be capitalized. -I--
Both --your--should be --you're--for --you are--
--its--has lost its apostrophy, too.
since you've been gone there nothing but rude to me.
This is --they're--for --they are--
The letter is good and the sadness is felt. It draws sympathy from the reader and that's a good thing to be able to do. Work on the grammar and it'll be fine.
Enjoy the site!
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I found your request for serious feedback on "Please Review"
This is a well done introduction to what promises to be an interesting piece, filled with danger. I see creativity in this one, new ideas. I believe it's going to be very good when it is finished.
a slowing Expansion which had created schisms of vastness between the worlds her species had inhabited.
Capitalizing this word gives it a name, making it more than the natural expansion the universe experiences. Is this intentional? Will this become a character?
Using the word --had--says her species are all gone now. Lament for the passing of the Gods, her species; the Emergents.
So, she's the last?
eager to claim what was rightfully its, all the way back at the beginning.
Would --to--work? Or would that change the meaning?
Her child, thus dead; taken by the icy stranglehold that so few newborns were liable to suffer,
I wondered why --thus--was used. To 'thus' end the line of gods? --So few-- hints at the same thing. The line is ended.
rendered still by the Anomaly, the unfathomable machine which was ripping the strands of reality apart from the great tapestry of her universe.
The sky above was eerily quiescent, devoid of life.
Si's Casmin,
Good lines. The first shows the problem to be faced in the story.
The second shows the state of current life clearly. The third is just fun. I wonder how they will be helpful to her in the following chapters. I know they will.
It had set her the task; picked her out of the rest, out of all the worlds.
I wonder who or what --It--is. Who is in charge.
gave it one last look, before the sea rushed upon it and took it,
such petty nostalgia
This shows her as heartless, without the emotion of love. She cares about things, she wanted to be a mother, but her caring is limited? I can't imagine her calling her child an 'it', or consider the loss of her motherhood as 'petty'. This may affect the way she's accepted as a hero of the story, but it will possible make her stronger too. Be sure your audience sees her as you want them to.
These questions are not suggestions to be added, they are questions that should be answered before the end of the story and I'm wondering as I read just as I do a book bought off the shelf.
I found this to be very close to a monotone; since it's narrated, that's okay. I only hope it doesn't continue in that tone because it's not an easy thing to listen to for long. It will become boring. Individual voices will bring life to it as the story progresses I'm sure.
Well done!
It's an interesting intro and I think I would turn the page.
Wow, I like the opening! It has everything, action, danger, tension, strong emotion and horror. Good work on hooking this reader at once.
I can see the scene well, your descriptions do their job without over-describing. The images are sharp visually and audibly.
Here are a few things I wanted to point out as I read.
A sudden rush of pain flew trough Lell's ears.
Only a typo of --through--
she ran into the path where the soldiers were traveling on.
This line sounds awkward to me. I suggest simplifying it to hold the tension tight. Example:
--She ran into the soldiers path.--
Which brings the question of why didn't they see her?
Then a warming male's voice spoke from the darkness,
When did it become dark? How could she see the line of women and recognize her mother if it was dark? Clarity of detail will be needed to be checked here.
Then a warming male's voice
Is this word what you intended, or was it possibly --warning--?
If it's correct, why is it 'warming' in such a dangerous, tense situation? Or is it meant to show kindness?
He asked in his calm voice as he walked to look her in the face.
This sentence too, is awkward with 'too many words' and difficult to see. Since he had hold of her wrist, all he'd have to do is pull to turn her around to face him, wouldn't he?
The story begins with a bang and is a sure way to get the reader to turn the page.
Well done, and enjoy the site!
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I believe this will be a good song, I can almost hear it in my mind. I really like the chorus.
I found a couple of typos for you.
the vast expances --expanses--
I'll never understand You're bright light!
This one I'm not sure of. Are you saying --you are--bright light? It seems to me to be --your--bright light, but you're the only one who knows for sure.
Are you also a singer that writes her own music? Fabulous!
Enjoy the site and keep practicing!
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This is an honest tribute to a loved one and I can hear the loyalty and respect in the voice. The words are chosen well to describe the emotions. You've done a good job with it.
And disreguard --disregard--
and my soul yerns --yearns--
She's my blessing and i'm hers too
This is a great line!
other like a diamond in a rut --rough--is the common saying. 'diamond in the rough'
You've written it quickly so there are a few errors that will affect the rate. It's a good idea to proofread and fix as many as you can before posting to be read. Adding a space to separate the paragraphs will give the page a clean, finished look and be easier on your readers eyes.
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Very good! I like the voice and the attitude, the humor is wonderfully easy to hear. It made me laugh with the images you painted. You've done a good job with this piece.
The characters are seen clearly with little to no descriptions. Excellent choice of words, none were wasted and none were extra. You're a good writer. The setting was clear by the end and I understood.
aether
Your word choices helped to define the personality of the character wonderfully.
I had scarcely spent my words the guardsmen lifted their terror devices
A missing word. --when--?
Metal bearings, guided my twine,
Typo of --by--
You've done a good job of writing this quick story. It's worth developing into more if you chose.
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You've posted the first rough draft, I think. You've done no editing yet, right?
It's a great beginning to an exciting story. The possibilities are many. I like it. The mystery of the man and space travel while still in a room, is intriquing. I sense a huge change in their lives.
The rate reflects the amount of editing and error fixing it needs.
While you're in the Edit page to fix the spelling and other issues, place a space between each paragraph. It will be easier on the readers eyes and the page will be cleaner and neater.
Your imagination is working well. Enjoy the site!
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If you consider this the outline of the story, and fill in all the missing details, it will work grandly. The theme is good, the idea is good, and everyone is aware of Area 51 and its mysteries.
Areas that especially need details to complete the story.
I mentioned how they would grant us amnesty in exchange for our assistance.
How?
He said his name was Hollow (The name suited) him. Hollow said he was a mechanic looking for some work. He liked building robots.
Personal Automatic Robotic Mechanic.
Xander says later he asked Hollow to come, but here it doesn't hint at that at all. The readers need to know everything the point of view character knows. Readers identify with the character and if they feel cheated, they won't like it.
Show why Hollow was brought in and made such an interesting character, along with the skill to build great robots, and then killed off so quickly. I expect his robots to be useful later.
Bishop blew Hollow's head off. He said that Hollow was a threat. I told him that Hollow was to be my successor after I die of Geostigma , a disease. He seemed surprised at what I said. I told him that I met Hollow several years before I came to Area 51. I came here because of Geostigma, and contacted Hollow and told him of my eminent death.
Be careful about 'telling' the story. Let this info out at the proper time and in sequence during the rewrite.
He was withdrawn and like he was looking inside himself. suddenly Bishop sprung into action and took Zoe hostage at gunpoint.
Introduce Bishop so the readers will know what kind of man he is. He's troubled about something. Bring him into the story as an important character.
The World Union Army had found us.
This should be an exciting scene. I want to know what kind of army it is and how the country is run during this time.
She will know where that is.
One of the hospital staff comes in and tells the priest that the operation was a success.
. Shall I tell her that her brother will be there to see his new
The sister's child will pull through and she will be ready for visitors in a few hours
These are more good hooks to bring the story to a more personal level. Good ideas. Don't forget to fill in al the details so the tension is built up in the readers.
You've got a good outline of the story, the plot isn't here yet, but it'll come as you get further into it. I imagine overcoming the army will have to do with the main plot, and their personal problems are good sub-plot hooks.
Fill in the details of the first draft and let us learn of these desert dwellers of the future. It's our world too.
Keep writing it!
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A good idea of throwing the readers right into the war problem while introducing the two main characters. You handled it well. The descriptions show the setting clearly and it leaves no questions. I wonder how the trees were burned without her knowing about it, at least smelling the smoke. But, perhaps it wasn't by fire and I'm willing to wait and see. It's caught my interest and I would read the next chapter.
A few things I noticed.
His voice is strained as he makes an effort to not kill me where i now stand.Could he really believe that i did this?
Destroyed this place that was dear to me, my home?
She wouldn't know what he was thinking unless she's a mind reader. Is she? no, she would know who he was if that were the case. This phrase doesn't fit, but it can be worked in during their dialogue if you wanted to. He could ask her if she did it.
"How do i know that you are not the enemy?"
"You cannot fool me... Demon."
I think one of these lines needs a name tag so readers will know who is speaking. It's difficult to tell from the words.
he pulls the trigger, releasing another arrow.
He hasn't released one yet, so this reference to 'another' will cause the reader to stop and wonder if they missed something.
pull a burnt log in front of me heart,
Try --pulled--and decide how it sounds to you. The second bolded word should be --my--
I hear a gasp as the cloaked figure falls to their knees, the arrow gun dropping from their hand, landing in the dirt.
She should be able to tell from the voice if the hooded figure is male or female. --their--means more than one. Change it to --his--
My legs buckle causing me to fall to the ground leaves -- buckled--
crackling in protest. I catch myself with my hands, my breath quickening, anxiety threatning to take over.
This is a good scene. The line is showing it very well! Actually, the whold chapter is seen well. Good descriptions!
"your alive." I'm whispering,
--you're-- for -you are---
"We were ambushed, we faught --fought--
My mother force me to ---forced--
a pair of icy blue eyes meeting my eyes.
This word usually means hate is within the character at what he is looking at. If you mean only to describe the color, I suggest leaving it at blue and taking -icy- out.
Every few seconds that pass i have to look down at my feet to make sure that they are still in contact with the Earth.
Is this true? Would it be possible for her to move along without touching the ground? She really had to check every few seconds?
"How do i know that you are not the enemy?"
Since they were lovers, wouldn't the voice be recognized here, with this many words?
Capitalize the --I--when used as a pronoun.
Place a space between each paragraph to make it easier on your readers eyes. Spaces also give the page a cleaner, neater look.
It's a good draft that's coming along well.
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This is a difficult piece to read. The emotion and images are vivid and heartbreaking. I can feel the truth reaching out to pull the reader in. There is a story here, with no happy ending.
A suggestion for writing on the internet, place space between each paragraph to give the readers a place to rest their eyes. It improves the look of the page too.
I found no issues to get in the way of the reading.
Well written!
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You've written a very emotional piece. The words are well chosen and tell a story that many will be able to relate to. The emotion comes from inside the heart.
I found no typos at all, and good proofreaders are appreciated by your readers.
Well done!
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I thoroughly enjoyed this quick read. I like the mix of humor and seriousness; it was real and as I stood watching you, I was barely able to contain my giggling.
As I was sitting in the silence, I had remembered I had not taken some medicine that had been perscribed to me for irritable bowel syndrome. I had eaten about thirty minutes before we arrived at the temple, and I now was beginning to feel a belch trying to form.
This line is a bit wordy, causing it to be bumpy. Trim and tighten by changing the first bolded phrase to --sat-- and
removing the second bolded word.
Spelling is --prescribed--
This is a well described scene!
make funny noises while everyone was meditation
This isn't the right tense, try --meditating--
I enjoyed the read, you've done a good job.
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This is as good and as interesting as any I see on the web. You caught and held my interest well. The message is interesting and is a sound bit of encouragement. It's great practice for those who dream of writing a book too.
You may not have explored the site yet, but the numbered lists could use bullets. Learn to use the site required ML, it's easy. You will probably need to double check the actual text demands for a while. I still do sometimes. html will not work. Look in Site Navigation on the left of the screen, click on Site Tools. At the bottom of that list is Writing ML help. The difference is in the brackets we use here. The squiggly ones only. {e:bullet} will give you
1) Give garden layout ideas detailing which plants and flowers go well together and why.
2) Help
The (spellcheck) program will tell you when you've misspelled something or are typing an awkward sentence. Proofread your article
I began to groan when you mentioned using the spell check, but you redeemed yourself by adding 'proofread'
We call for spell checks too, but they can't be trusted, they don't always pick up everything and we urge the writers to spend more time on their proofreading. I hoped to find a mishap with your spell checker, and luckily I did. Immediately after your advice. lol
how many people will pick up you article
The program will tell you when you've misspelled something or are typing an awkward sentence.
I know you want to add 'But, please don't depend on it.'
You've done a good job, I hope you've convinced a few more good writers to join the article writing brigade.
Welcome and enjoy the site! It's one of the good ones.
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This is a pretty good piece of writing. I could feel the tension all the way through, and felt you were writing from the memory. The descriptions are good enough to allow the readers to see what you saw, and feel what you felt. That's the way to do it.
I did find a few technical errors that you'll want to check and fix, but the content is good.
has had the miss fortune of decrepancy for over 40 years.
The is one word. --misfortune--
the next bolded word isn't quite correct used this way. I think it's only a typo though. --decrepit--? 'becoming decrepit'
or you may have intended to write --deteriorating--
This was an avid place for teenagers to go to
This word also needs checking. The teens would be 'avid', but the place would not. -popular--would work well.
These bolded words should be --were--. There are more to be found as you read through.
along with bodies of gangsters from the prohibition time.
An interesting fact.
Archer Ave., who many have you, might have read about in my last note.
Did you mean --of--?
He smiled and said, "tell you what, how about you guys follow me, and I'll give you a tour of the place?"
How neat of him to do this!
us of trespassing on the property we where loitering then
The once road that ran through there, crumbled under our feet.
The words switched on you. --The road that once--
The wind sang whispers as we drew closer.
Great line, it's poetic.
trees where knocked
Finally we arrived in front of the gate, as trees where knocked down, and covered the ground.
This line needs checking. It says the trees were being knocked down as they arrived. They were already down, I'm sure.
I like the genre, it's always interesting to learn of these places. You've described it well, and told it well. Clear up these small issues and it'll be fine.
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I like the message here, and the lines read well. I like to try to hear the beat of the music when I read lyrics, but I can't in this one. No fault. It's just that I can hear it being sung slow and fast. It might work either way.
I noticed a couple of words that may be spelled wrong, but have the sound you wanted. The errors won't affect the sound but will look unprofessional if you decide to print.
And all I wanna do is sooth your soul
The meaning of this word is different from to soothe, which means to make calm by being gentle. Which is what this seems to mean.
What I really want is pieced for you
Is this --peace--?
Down in my inner piece where my shadows gone, and it follows me
I assume this is a typo of --peace--?
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In other words, there not anything finer than WDC, is what you're trying to say, right?
You're right, take some time to explore all these links and you'll find fascinating things. When I was new, I loved to find the message forums hosted by members. They were just so friendly and welcoming, they're a wonderful way to get aquainted. Now, I have little time for that, but I still browse and read them when I can.
So, you're going to publish books; what an adventure! I wish you lots of luck with it.
This is a fun,friendly testimonial that we all can agree with.
I found your request for serious feedback on "Please Review"
This is quite well written and imaginative. It has the tone of a soliloquy such as Shakespeare loved to write. I liked the creative idea to use the voice of God.
I found a typo or two, otherwise no problems.
where I can endure my just desserts, my long persecution.
This is a common error that many make. The correct word is
--deserts--with the same sound as desserts, --just deserts--
Of coarse common sense is only so common to those that it makes sense to
The word is spelled --course--in this context.
I like this thought. A very good truth.
I made there decisions, easier, and forbade the publication, of choices between local and
--their--
I enjoyed it, and I wonder who your intended audience is. How many read this style these days? I imagine it was quite a bit of work to get the words to say exactly what you wanted to say, wasn't it? You managed it well!
I found your request for serious feedback on "Please Review"
You're off to a good start with the action. You've caught the attention of the reader well. Danger is always a good hook. I can see the setting clearly, the descriptions are well done, the words well chosen for imagery. You've kept them to a minimum, but sharp. Good job.
For example:
Pale slithers of moonlight fought to find a path between the leafy branches overhead, barely casting more than a couple flecks of light at the girl’s feet.
He began to make his way back up the street and down the alleyway. Renee had no choice but to come along.
she watched the dark pavement move beneath her.
Bound and gagged she could do nothing but lay there uncomfortably.
Already cut and bruised from her earlier struggle, she felt
She froze, trying to quieten her heavy breathing, waiting for something to happen.
Walking so fast in heels soon got the better of her and she briefly paused for breath.
and allowed his weight to drag her to the ground heavily. Her distraught train of thought was interrupted as the man grunted and lifted her awkwardly over All she could do was wait and see what was to come.
she felt the surface she lay on lower slightly. A door slammed shut and keys rattled.
Good. I can feel and hear it happening.
The car’s engine stirred to life and Renee began to tremble. Her family would just assume she’d decided to stay the night at the party. Who knows where she might be by the time people start looking for her. She closed her eyes tightly, trying to think of something other than how doomed she felt.
The main issue is the tension not holding tight enough and consistently. The reader should feel it all the way through, but there is too much extra getting in the way. The bolded words are slowing it down and pulling the reader's attention away from the problem and onto other thoughts and feelings. Try reading the story aloud without these lines and phrases and decide if you feel the tension tighter. I believe you will.
Most of the phrases are telling the reader the obvious stuff they will already know, and some of them are not realistic to the situation. For instance, would she really try to get her thoughts onto something else? I wouldn't.
Trimming these and anything else you notice that I missed, would tighten the lines and increase the tension to an almost unbearable degree.
The chapter stops at a great point, leaving the reader wanting more.
I wondered why he didn't take advantage of the park and take her while she was there. It seemed to be the most obvious place for a kidnap, not a few feet from her front door. But, that caused some tension because I hoped she would be heard.
This is a well written article. It describes the scenery well and the hardship of the hike. I could hear and feel the narrator's exhaustion. I think the article is of the quality of some I've seen in magazines, and with a good edit should be publishable.
dinner, a couple of drinks in the lounge, and a good night's sleep before rising at six-thirty a.m.
of Lake Superior, and after dinner I sat on a
To avoid of bit of backreading by the reader, I suggest rewriting a bit to clarify what he does after dinner. The first line says he goes to bed, the second says he sat outside.
And then I saw it.
I was shocked. No, stunned. Speechless. Paralyzed. Nope, not a bear. Not a poisonous snake, either.
This is a good hook! I was sure he'd seen an animal, and the true sight made me laugh and then moan with him.
but the retired couple caught me with their walking cane
Two people shared one cane?
to where I parked my car at the beginning of the Lake Superior Trail, forty miles ago.
What! How did this happen? This is a riddle, right? Impossible.
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1) Give garden layout ideas detailing which plants and flowers go well together and why. 