Yes. I can see "you" sitting there in the car with nothing to look at but the people and the sky. I don't really have a problem with what you have, but oh - there is so much more you could do.
The people - are they blank, really? On their cellphone to their lover? Eating yogurt so they can have a piece of cake later? Rushing to an appointment? Is there a homeless person there?
The weather could reflect all this. As though there is a rush before the rain. OK - I'm getting carried away - sorry. I see huge potential here!
Wow. Had me going there. I'm thinking divorce, burned the house down, had an affair....now I'm pretty much with murder. The straight-jacket is certainly enlightening, the madness more understandable.
Actually, I think it is very good. If I would suggest anything, I'd put in the motivation for all this activity. Thought "he" was paying them back. Fixed their wagon, by golly! THEN the regret.
Just a thought - please take as such!
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What an interesting thought - changing into a wereworlf, knowing this is a bad thing and then having no control of it.
Suggestions?- I think you should use blood to it's biggest advantage here. The crimson color, the taste like iron, the stickiness of it on the fur....all the senses. The thrill of the kill. Then, perhaps, the remorse later. Not sure about the remorse. Well just thoughts - please take as such!
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This is very pretty, an idealistic look at the earth before man and we just need to save it. Would that it was so, but, as you indicate, not much hope of that. Sort of controlled chaos at this point.
I suppose I would incorporate a bit more reality, which I understand you may or may not find appropriate. Sort of a "here were are, let's deal with it" philosphy. Or a "what can you do to help?" What small changes can we make? An encouragement that one CAN make a difference.
Hope I haven't insulted you - apologies if so. I do think things can be done and you have an opportunity here to say that!
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Nicely done. A very accurate description of a wave, the enternal cycle of a the ocean and the waves.
My only suggestion is to hint at life within the poem itself, not just in your "blurp." Gosh, you could just substitute "life" for "wave" in the last line. Just something, so we know you are talking about life.
Good job!
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This is a song? Sounds Irish to me somehow. The lyrics are very rhythmical and it's easy to see the dwindling supply of wood.
I was just a bit confused by the two days - they've been there two days or they have two days of wood left? I'm pretty much thinking the former, but not sure.
Great poem!
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How very clever to use a raven. The do seem to be the harbingers of not so good things, don't they? I don't get the rhyme about the bear, but that's OK. Probably put there just entire the reader!
There is a place where there just seem too many words and one is redundant.
His words I did some know or not
Though it mattered not to me.
Maybe delete the first "not?"
Just a suggestion - please take as such - cool poem!
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The prompt was "I just did my job?" If so - great scenario! I can just see this happening, even if she really was 40!
I got a little confused by your sequencing, although I see now what you were doing. But this:
I had to take photo's of a party and that is all I actually needed to know. I did what they asked me to do, and got a thousand dollars for it.
Sort of wraps the story up before it gets started. Maybe put the first part in quotes from the person hiring: "Just take pictures of the party. I'll pay you a thousand dollars." The sister said? The mother said?
She hit the narrator and knocked him/her out cold? When you say "remember" it leads me to think this is the case. Which seems a bit unlikely. "It hurt." The fall to the ground, the faceslap? Just need to clarify all that a little.
Nit - need to fix: All I did was taking pictures.
This is a great use of the prompt. Good job!
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Oh boy - you could do a lot with this. They say smell is one of the strongest transmitters to the past and that is certainly the situation here! What you have here is fine, but BEGS so many questions.
For example, your "blurp" says broken home, but I don't see it in your story. OK. Mom is a little nuts with the Windex every week, but what is that saying? Is she punishing you really or is it her way of cleaning up an otherwise messy life? I'm sure my mother cleaned up after me too, but why is this window cleaning traumatic?
What happened at age 12? It's mentioned, then we drop back to an earlier age. Something get triggered?
These are just thoughts and suggestions - please take as such. Good job - many directions to go!
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This is lovely. How nice to have a friend who stands by with encouragement all along the way. That seems pretty rare these days.
This is an excellent line: Use your head but don't lose heart. If you made it up - great. If not, it's still great!
I also like the idea of giving too much. I can't see a thing to improve this. Great job!
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Wow - that was pretty unique! A manniquin. I would never have thought of that. I think it is a testament to how we all have different ways of grieving.
Thoughts - Notably in the second paragraph, you switch to past tense. I'd suggest you stay in the present. "They say..." "They can't...." Just check around for that.
Underthought - is there a deathwish here - to join the wife? Maybe the accident was on purpose? If so, suggest a hint of that up front - wanting to join her vs wanting her to join him. He could overtly want the latter, but a hint of the former would create tension. Just a thought - please take as such.
Great piece!
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This is pretty interesting from a number of perspectives. The main one, to me, is someone willing to risk life on a city street to that of being at home. Which, of course, raises the question of the homelife.
That must be some hard driver! I'd therefore suggest giving the reader "freedom from what?" Something to compare and compensate for the many, many dangers of a young person on their own in a major city. And what is "true" freedom? Or, is one restriction being traded for another, ie, no money, no food, no shelter?
Just thoughts - please take as such!
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Oh - that was quite clever! Never gave much thought to all those personalities inside my refrigerator.
Actually, I have no problem with your writing at all. My only suggestion would be to say, if it is so, that the author is on a diet and temptation appears within the refrigerator. The debate - should I or shouldn't I?
Just a thought - please take as such. Really enjoyed the piece!
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That is really a cool "poem." I'm married to a Navy guy so really loved this: kids we are and men.
I love the tale of not only the ship, but the men, the adventures, the "growing up," etc. You really have two stories going here which is pretty impressive in my book.
My only comment is to consider putting it in a poem format. Instead of the ....'s, start a new line. Maybe not what you had in mind, but give it some thought! Good job!
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I think you have a great start here! No small feat continuing to love someone who had "gone" away.
Seems there is a lot you could do with this. For example - how did he go away? Die? Break up? You could create a lot of reader empathy if that was definitized.
The first line leads me to think this was a marriage and something went awry. That was the intent?
Not entirely sure "tooken" is a word - might want to check that
This is lovely! All the confidence of dreams - what could we do if they would just last. Sort of a "what would you try if you knew you couldn't fail?" I gather love is a factor in this - very important. I love the "I start thinking." How very much we could save ourselves, if we just didn't start "thinking!"
A few comments:
- May I suggest some commas and apostrophes in the appropriate places. It's a little distracting where they are missing.
- Also, going with capitalization at the beginning of "sentence" or lower case overall.
Great piece!
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Wow - that's quite good! I love the toys standing guard, the "lacey" waves. You have a lot of the senses in here - even maple fudge - makes for a total picture. I've been to the Oregon Coast - this is a terrific description.
One thought - Rachel. Who's Rachel? Daughter? Wife? Friend? Maybe just say "you." Only a thought - please take as such!
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It think this quite good - sort of a plus and minus thing in a general way. Which is the only comment I have. You might want to give samples. For example, the first broken heart vs. the first true love. Thinking your life has no meaning, then your first child is born. Something to attach to the "good and bad." Just a thought - please take as such!
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Really wrapped it all up there, didn't you? Good job of the fluidity of emotions, as if we could control them in some way and, if we could, what would we do? Probably one of the hardest jobs a human has. On the other hand, if they "let you be," what would life be like? Just a thought - please take as such.
Good piece!
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Very nice - amazing how we get attached to animals, especially when they are just ours. That undying love. There's a quote, something like "I hope I can live up to my dog's opinion of me."
I think you did a nice job of going through the dog's life and where you think they are at now. The pacing was well-done and it was understandable - thank-you!
Almost sounds like a rap song! Love the mix of feelings - want her back, but don't have any love left, although, given the opportunity, it could probably be uncovered.
Just a couple of suggestions: 1) Maybe make the title "The Girl" as those are the words you use. 2) Be consistent in punctuation and grammer. For example, if you want Girl capitalized, then do it throughout. Same with other grammar. I think it will read a little easier.
Very, very heartfelt. You have certainly encompassed all the confusion a child must feel when the world they know is collapsing around them. And being sixteen years old has enough problems without that happening.
I found the rampant thoughts to be very convincing, the scattered directions understandably unmanageable. My only suggestion would be to do a spell and grammar check. For example:
i feel so perplex(ed?) And maybe consistently capitalize the I's. I do realize this came from the heart and the heart isn't all that big on grammer
Great piece!
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Very clever and well-written! I had a father like that - sort of the "what time is it?" and you get the directions to build the watch.
I am a little slow to see the relationship between the above and fabricating a good lie on an exam, knowing it was a lie. Maybe I missed something. If so, apologies.
This is fascinating. "You" are obviously sacrificing yourself for someone who doesn't have a clue. Seems to be an ongoing situation. At first, I thought a parent and child, then maybe a lover or spouse. Not sure.
"Surrender" totally threw me. This is (to me) a need to dominate, not understand, but bring under control this other person. Is that what the intent was? If so, that is some dark thinking. One must dominate the other which will no doubt result in a standoff.
Otherwise, I'd suggest a run through spell and grammar check. For example:
"all the s*** I'd go through for you're good" You probably want "your". Also, this phrase reverts to past tense and you are generally in the present or future.
All-in-all - good job!
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Whoa! That's a little spooky! I think it is very well written and I can see someone covering their ears to drown out the sounds inside their head - that would be terrifying.
You have an apostrophe in Chanter's. I'm not sure why. It seems there are plural chanters?
This may be offbase, but what are they saying? We all a "voice" in our head. I wonder what makes these so bad..???
Nice piece!
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