Ooooo - very nice. Particularly like the "mind swaying." There is that bit of disorientation as sleep takes over and those words are very astute.
A little confused about whether the queen is the moon and if so, what is the king? But I'm not sure it matters. The poems flows very well and is soothing. Wish I could go to sleep like that!
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Nicely done - I like the "tin roof." Actually, I only have the suggestion to mention the "sister" aspect within the poem. I tend to feel i should know what the poem is about without the blurp and I think it might be a bit of a stretch here.
Actually, the blurp itself is a little confusing, although that has nothing to do with the poem . "all but seen..." She has seen too much or too little. I'm thinking too little, but not sure!
This has a lot of potential, believe me. I think you've made the point many young people feel of "losing their will." Or the inability to find it in the first place.
I have some thoughts for you -
- Too many choices. I thought I had too many - today's youth are overwhelmed.
- What changed to land "you" in this "dirty ruin?" Graduation? A decision afraid to make? (college, marriage, joining a gang
- Everything out of control - very easy to feel this way. Just have to pick up a newspaper for that. Maybe an allusion to grabbing something one CAN control. Starting small.
- Junkie has a drug connotation for me. I realize there are other junkies, but that's just my button. Which is why I would define it or change it. I've yet to be awed or shocked by a drug addict
OK - time to shutup. These are truly just suggestions - please take as such.
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Nicely done - and so true - no one is born perfect. We all have our little blips and bloopers and although there is the physical, it is often what is inside. The only comment I have is to separate the stanzas by the repetitive first words. I just think it would read easier. Just a suggestion - please take as such!
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Good piece on changing your perspective of a relationship - which I really like - an appreciation that things didn't come out quite like expected, but now let's move on - Good!
A couple of suggestions
- delete one of the "justs" in the second stanza.
- This is a bit awkward:
And someday I’ll see you again
I would see you in the end - I'm thinking there is a mix of present and past. This is done a couple of times and you may want to look at that.
Good job!
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Nice demonstration of what happens when one holds nothing back - there is nothing left. Unfortunately, most people have to go through it, so universal appeal there.
Not sure about the words in all caps. I don't think it adds to draw attention to them - they can speak well in lower case. Sort of distracts.
It ends on a rather dire note, which you probably intended. Perhaps a word of hope - let me get through this - let me live again - something like that. Just a suggestion - please take as such.
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Good job! I have no idea how parents do it, but it appears they always have. Which would be my only comment to you very perceptive piece. Something to the effect we must turn back the tide, stand our ground, change the status quo.
Yikes! Drowning inside yourself. You've used a lot of the senses which makes it relevant and real.
You might want to run this through spell and grammar check - you have a number of misspelled words and places where commas could make it much easier to read.
Along the same line, consider breaking up the paragraph. It's rather daunting. Like "The rain grew heavyier (heavier)" could be new. Or the dry lake - anywhere things change.
Good start!
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Catchy title and very appropo. I think everyone fights Father Time in one way or another. Certainly gets to be more intense as you get older! It's very easy to get wrapped up in staying young, particularly in our culture and forget the more important things in life.
My only thought and it's not much, is no longer being cultivated in God's garden. Seems a pretty strong penalty, but OK.
My, that's very uplifting! I like the repetition with the key, the echo, the map, the world. I'm wondering if that was something for the contest or you just did that. It kind of gives a cadence to it.
My only suggestion is the last line. It just seems a bit short compared to the others. Maybe "I've never, ever felt so free." Just a suggestion, of course. Please take as such.
Do you have scoliosis too? My. A couple years ago, my back went into spasms and I didn't know I could hurt so bad. I was there, believe me. I know the are worse pains, but that was enough for me. Depression, big time.
I particularly like how you come and go - like you know there is more, but just can't get there.
I have no suggestions - this is excellent!
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Extremely well done! You should consider submission to the media before Christmas. It's particularly good, because it doesn't make Santa out to be the bad guy. I understand the Easter bunny is on the way out too. Why can't kids be kids and have both?
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Yep. I can just see laying in bed thinking of all the stuff you should be doing instead of sleeping to "keep up." It just never seems to be enough. And the traffic outside would certainly seem to relate.
My only suggestion would be the last line. It's OK, I just think it might be a hair better as "And still, I run after them." More present tense, maybe.
Very good! I really like the internal struggle, knowing this just isn't the way to be, but seemingly unable to do anything about it. Even if one knows what SHOULD be done.
You also really show up the amazing arrogance of others to think they know someone else. It just doesn't happen. There is always something we keep in reserve.
You might break up that second to last stanza - I think it would make two nicely.
Clever! I think we are all a bit thin skinned about our writing. Actually, I don't mind the constructive stuff, but the "cut and paste" "lovely story" drives me nuts. Or the 1 because I misspelled a word. Trust me, you are not alone!
This little piece is well done and identifies well with what many feel. Generally, numbers are spelled out, but, well, maybe not here. Not sure
This a great premise - but oooooh - so much more you could do with it! The fear of the future meal - what is it's reactions - eyes? fur on end? scrambling?
And the snake - how patient? Not in a hurry. Toys with trapped animal. Detail the kill, the rippling of the snake skin, the might jaws crushing - whatever. . Is this a snake that swallows whole - now there is a visual.
Louis is a girl? OK!
Great start!
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Well done! And who hasn't looked into an elder persons eyes and wondered what is in there, what memories, where they really are. My grandmother once said to me "I wasn't born this age, you know." Which your poem really reminded me of.
If I had a thing to suggest, it would be to link the woman's behavior to that of a child - curling up, etc a bit more strongly. It would drive the end home a little harder.
Yes, the lost love, the broken heart. Good portrayal with the "wall", the spinning, the corner. To say nothing of the feeling one will never climb out of the abyss, even if the effort were exerted. Nice touch with the nails!
My only thought is the way the phrasing changes - longer to short, then longer. But then, maybe that is the style. Good job!
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. "all but seen..." She has seen too much or too little. I'm thinking too little, but not sure!
