Very nice - such an allusion of a leaf to a person. Starts out nice and green and full of life, then slowly fades, hoping to hold onto one more moment.
My only suggestion for improvement is the last line. I see old people as brittle, but I'd rather not think of them as crisp, ya know? Maybe they slip from the branches and blow away to an unknown place, a place to be renewed....I don't know...just having trouble with "crisp". Opinion only, mind you - very nice poem! ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Well, I'm not too sure if it is a poem either, but anger and bitterness are apparent. In fact, I'd suggest you tone it down a bit, as poetry is generally a bit more subtle.
I'd consider make this a piece of flash fiction, primarily dialog. Maybe let us know who is speaking - mother to daughter, boy to boy....whatever. You could do that pretty easy with something like "What kind of son are you?"
Also, a conclusive ending - "I dont' need you in my life" sort of thing. Leaving.
Pitafal?
OK - that's my 2 cents worth - please take as opinion only. This piece has a lot of emotion as well as potential! ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Cool! I like how things spin out of control and your mind goes into another universe, turning everything upside down, confusing you. And yet, barely any time has passed. One of those things where you have to stop and think, "Was that real?"
I'd suggest you take a look at your grammar, punctuation and capitalization. I know that's boring, but it does make for easier reading.
Good job!
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Interesting perspective on eyes - I like it! As though sleep can wash away all the cares of yesterday and each day is a new slate to write on. Would that it were!
I read this line four times and I just can't get it:
Wow! I thought that was awesome! I love the feeling of traipsing across the sky, bourne on some mysterious wind, landing in a paradise on the beach. It's a very romantic poem - I hope you actually gave it to your wife. I would certainly be flattered to have this from my husband.
Only one suggestion - use upper and lower case. I found the caps mildly distracting. Great job!
Oh - Very Important: Thank you for your service. I'm a veteran too.
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My, what a perspective! And certainly a commentary on the thoughts of the busboy who is infatuated and focused on one thing. Just a couple of thoughts:
- I had to go back to see who WASN'T drinking the water- the old lady. Might want to enhance with something like her arthritic hand on the glass that never moved.
- I found the "burn in Hell" a bit much for an old woman who was not drinking her water and didn't acknowlege the busboy. Perhaps the girl is pregnant and her grandmother is suggesting she have the baby - it is an intense conversation! (Pulled that one right out of the sky).
Just thoughts - please take as such. Good job!
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My, I think that is quite good! And you've certainly hit the nail on the head. Most of us say we love new and different things, but are secretly terrified of change. Usually takes something radical to force the situation.
Which is the only suggestion I have. Might want to build a little tension with a deadline. Graduation, possibility of divorce, getting laid off, recognizing the status quo will get you absolutely nowhere and you can see the nowhere from here. Just a thought. Good job!
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Nicely written! I can't help but wonder what the subject matter is that is being agonized over. "My mind knows one thing, my body another" leads me to think sex. Probably because I spent considerable agony over this myself. . There are so many choices and I wonder if the poem might have more depth if related to something more specific.
The "battle" and "evil" part threw me. There is not always a right and a wrong. One doesn't become evil, because what looked like a good choice turned out bad. Unless, of course, we have a murderous felon on our hands here, in which case, you might want to alude to that!
Ha! Well, you made me laugh! All kinds of stuff in there, but I detect a hint of sarcasm or bitterness, as though you are trying to say something, but it just won't come out so I can understand it.
You might consider narrowing your theme a bit. If it is focused on depression, the sarcastic look at the world is appropriate. If you are enticing someone, may want to lose the sarcasm. I found it to be such a mixed bag, I'm not sure what you were trying to say.
On the other hand, it reads well and has some funny stuff in individual lines. Nothing wrong with your rhyming!
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I've got the idea, but not to sure I'm following your thought process. There are some flip-flops that I found confusing.
For example, nothing can go wrong, then David contemplates divorce, the it's all peachy and he falls asleep. ???
Her meaningless eyes? I have never seen meaningless eyes. Not that they aren't out there, mind you. But even a blank stare has meaning.
You've used past, past perfect and present tense. Might consider picking one. Otherwise your timeframe is a little shaky.
Does the house contribute to this? Couldn't figure out the meaning of the house.
The contemplation of divorce is a deep, serious thing that seems to be playing out here as though David is a small child who just doesn't want to be bothered and sticks his head in the clouds. Maybe he is on drugs or alcohol or something. Hadn't thought of that....if so, might want to mention.
Good potential - just need to tighten up a bit!
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Very heartfelt and personal. Obviously some thought on the perspective of children too. I also like the recognition of the consideration of even having kids, because it is a tough job!
I guess I just found it to be a bit wordy. You could say so much with less. For example, instead of:
We are to train and teach them according to God's word
Maybe:
We must teach them God's word.
Or, instead of: But we should always remember everyday
Maybe: Remember everyday
Just thoughts - please take them as such. Good job!
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Well written! I like the undercurrent of ... bitterness?...that I detect there. I heard "You're so Vain" by Helen Reddy for the first time in years this morning and it popped right back in my head when i read this.
I wonder if it is musicians or people who simply think too much of themselves. Although, this sounds like first hand experience. Good job!
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Nicely done! Some people have such a flash temper and it always amazes me how quickly it comes...and goes. And I suppose it is feelings that override and is terribly frustrating for that person. I happen to be married to one and there can be very difficult moments.
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Interesting combination of feeling people screwed "you" and their blame for your part is their mistakes. And then a quick transition to reaching out to others to know them better. A kind of anger, resignation, then gentle outreach. I'm not sure. But very thought provoking!
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Great job! How many times we all stand back and wish we could "just be." Every now and then I get close, then the judgments come back, the biases, the discriminators.
I like how you have the sea washing "all that" away as though it doesn't matter. And it probably doesn't!
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Well written and easily followed. So sad when children blindly trust and are subsequently hurt.
My only comment is perhaps tying the poem a bit more to the "blurp" about it. I read it, then thought, "foster family?" But you say specifically, "the girl." Might consider being just a bit stronger in identifying her.
How fascinating! The life cycle of an auction as seen through its "participants." And yet, a perspective on things seen by others in a wholly different light than one sees oneself.
I was once "sold" at a sorrority slave auction. It was, without question, the most demeaning moment of my life. Which is saying something as I am now 54. I think I might have been the Picasso left at the bloc!
Great perspective. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
First off, thank you for your service to our country. And know there are those who DO care and believe in what you are doing. That you have persevered despite these clutches at your integrity and purpose says a great deal about your charcter.
Your poem is moving and revealing. It speaks of things some may not understand unless they are a veteran (me) but well worth the effort to try.
Thank-you. Excellent piece!
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Well done! Good article. Like how you start of with "unsportsmanlike." Gets attention right away. And good ending - "more likely to summit than die trying."
I'm not sure one has to be "determined" to go without oxygen or just stupid. Having lived at a mere 9,000 feet, I can tell you it is a necessary part of existence, acclimitized or not. Almost laughable some think oxygen is the only part of climbing Everest!.
My only comment is the paragraph about Mesner and Boukreev. It's long. Maybe start a 2nd paragraph with the quote in the middle.
Good job! Sue ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Cute! This would be kid friendly, I gather, as the sentences are short and simple, as well as the thought process - moving to another planet and all will be well. Altho, I confess, I am a bit confused by the parents being from Earth - I was thinking perhaps a 3rd planet....not too sure. But neat read!
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Oooo - very deep stuff there...selfish blade? Divinity? All kinds of questions of the "unknown" nature! Hint of religion, but not overpowering - I like that.
Thought - you say it is about free will in your "blurp," but I'm not sure I would have figured out the subject matter otherwise. Might want to throw it in there somewhere.
Great piece!
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