Well, that WAS a good rant! I'd disagree with you on a number of points, but I know things can be frustrating when you are trying to make your way and it seems all the paths are unattainable, too expensive or for the people already "in the stream."
I particularly sympathize as I managed to graduate the year the US left Vietnam and the vets seemed to take ALL the jobs. Being a woman didn't help. But I made new paths. It all seemed very daunting at the time, however. Good job!
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Simple and nice. Young love is always such an overwhelming thing - wipes out the rest of the world! Your descriptive led me to believe the love did not last. I'd suggest you incorporate that in here somehow. The realization, the betrayal, the whatever - those feelings too. Because we have all been there.
Good piece! Sue
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Lovely! I really enjoy your descriptives and have no trouble seeing the park, the water, etc. The perception of the artist is excellent - really how he "sees" her. Just a couple of suggestions -
- Consider picking either past tense of present - a little distracting with the switching back and forth
- The background on James. Not that it might not be important later, but the timing is a little off. Interrupts your stream. Kind of a "where did this come from?" Just consider putting in later when things aren't happening.
Good job! Sue
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Very nice and certainly true! I really like how you describe the realization of how others worry about you, especially others. Takes awhile to understand this, even though you know it on some surface level.
My only comment is I thought the narrator was dead - beneath the waves. Then I managed to think of a Navy Seal. Of course, it is now obvious, but you might want to put something up front for the reader to realize you are talking about submarines. Just a thought.
Good piece!
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Well! That was unexpected! Wrapped up a bunch there - love, life is wonderful, then the entire thing comes to a screeching halt.
I had a little trouble transitioning from the lake on a spring afternoon to the door slamming shut. Might consider making it "that night" or otherwise establishing the scene has changed.
Good piece! Lot of tension on both the Tube and in the memory. I would get a cab too!
A couple of thoughts:
Capitalize the Tube. I thought we might be starting off in a space capsule. I've been to London so caught on quick, but capitalization will prevent some confusion.
Interesting people being close would bring on such a vivid memory. Although you use a number of the senses, I'd suggest you pick one that triggers her reaction - smell of wet wool, for example. Something everyone can relate to. Great job!
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Interesting pleading with a defensiveness, as if, what do you expect me to do? A question unanswered, no one to ask of, really. But doesn't stop you from asking. As though there would be some listening, but that would be who?
Interesting, thought provoking piece!
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Wow. I have no problem with this at all. Beautifully sripted, well balanced and an excellent message. The tie from nature to the "fallen world steeped in night" is beautiful. The choice of title - such an all encompassing word - yes let us hope grace will save us!
Exceptional!
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Good! What a choice, what a chance with so much in the balance! The "civil service exam" threw me from the 12th century into the modern world. Seems they've had such exams for some time, but don't recall how long.
Meanwhile, suggest words to connotate the timeframe. Rice bowls and fishponds (to me) are "olden" times. Tea at a restaurant and a stroll around the park are more modern. Not that one is right or wrong - would just clarify. My opinion only, of course!
I think you've got something here, but it is a little vague to me. I'm thinking a suicide attempt because of love unrequited? The last line - "I don't have anything else to (do?) but I love you...?????
Sort of a streaming consciousness and maybe that's what you intended and I'm just a little dense today!
Neat! Reminds me of something inscribed outside the Barnes and Noble at Baltimore's Inner Harbor: "Books are minds from the past waiting to be shared." Forgotten who said it, but always stuck with me.
You're right. There is the sense you are speaking with and hearing someone from inside a book.
Well, I'm guessing abortion, but your lines suggest a number of things! Whatever it was, quite evidence regret is a big player here. The need to communicate even though the author shut off all ability to communicate. A realization, the pain will never really be resolved.
I think
Good job!
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Well written. I love how she wants to get away in her mind and gets, perhaps more than she bargained for. Realizing the unmitigated boundaries of "existing" is more than most people want to contemplate, no doubt.
I think there a relationship between the imagined cold winter and her revelation, but it's a bit vague. Might consider tying that up a some more.
Otherwise, give me a call when it's too hot - was 4F here this morning! Perhaps we can trade
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Well, I think you have "hatred" all wrapped up. It is all consuming and has been for a very long time. We have a tendency to think it is something new, but perhaps because we know so much more. Seems to be the stuff of mankind.
Just a thought - you end all but two stanzas with "hatred." I would think you would be consistent throughout, particularly at the end. Just a thought.
"World of feminist denial"...things haven't changed a bit in 30 years, I see. What she is suppose to want, what she wants, what feelings she thinks she has to hide.
Then, we have the broken heart to which everything is judged as "I told you so." And "punished." Yes, perfect. As if a life lesson was punishment for.....? But the spark still lives. Good work!
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Excellent. You never forget, do you? What might have been, what they may have looked like. It all comes back so quickly, as though 1978 was yesterday. And rips into your heart once again.
I've never lost a child, but you have made me feel as though I may have. Very strong emotions - well done.
Very moving. Somehow, a little girl in her Daddy's arms evokes the most vivid, emotional picture. And good explanation of what is happening and how much it hurts Daddy too.
My only comment - the repetitive stanza. I'd suggest putting it at the beginning and the end. The middle one seems a bit much.
Great piece!
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Nicely done. And good to appreciate life is not a series of wonderful things, one after another. Each one, as you look back, teaches a lesson. Something, I admit, takes a bit of time to figure out!
A thought - what lessons? I don't get a lot of emotion from this. Perhaps the loss of a parent, loss of love, not achieving something you expected to. Losing because of something totally out of your control. The disappointment. You have a lot to work with here!
Interesting. I'm sort of taking it from the viewpoint fo the person who is grieving until I get to the last part - "Ill remember for you." Not sure.
Never forgiving oneself - too common. As one person told me, "if you could have done that (the one thing you didn't), do you think it would have made a difference?
This certainly emits many of the emotions of grief - good job!
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Wow - this is excellent. I love the balloon of "no" in the air. Giving us the present, then going into the recent past, with explantion, then back to present - well done in such a short piece. I haven't the foggiest notion what a "desire" is or why you would cut them out, but, I really don't care.
Super job! Sue
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Wow. Very, very true. It is often a debate who suffers the most from pain, the one in it or the one watching it. Certainly viewpoint dependant. But having had chronic pain, it can be devastating for everyone no matter how well you handle it.
Excellent piece!
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Fascinating, to be so controlled by someone. In reading the "blurp" I was under the impression this would be from "her" viewpoint - someone finally in control of her world. So, it appears, to be just the opposite which is a nice surprise! Sounds like someone has given up a whole lot of power to someone else! Good job.
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