Hey LightinMind ,
I am the official judge for "Write An Essay About..." this month, I'm here to judge your entry. I will try to give you constructive feedback on this, and hopefully information that may help you improve as a writer. I will not be judging your entry on the use of proper English (comma misuse, English errors in general), nor comment on that unless there are what I term a 'gross misuse' of the English language.
I really enjoyed reading your essay, it was formatted well, following the guidelines in the prompt. The one thing I did not see, and has nothing to do with your writing, is the information you provided in the the notes below your entry. "RULES: You may submit two entries this round. You may submit an essay about meditating in general or an essay about your personal experience with meditating. If you submit two entries, it must be one of each. I think ruwth changed the forum after you copied this, all I know is that it doesn't exist on the forum page now. In looking at the forum entries for April, that statement about the rules may have come from there, it's not there for May.
The prompt is to write about having a sense of intimacy with God. Your entry looks at it more from a third person point of view rather than informing us of your personal sense of intimacy with our supreme being. At first I was a little thrown off with that, but quickly realized there was nothing in the forum that said you have to inform us of your sense of intimacy with God. Let's look at your entry, and each part required by the forum rules.
1. Introduction. Your introduction is very good, I think it sets the stage for your essay very nicely. I found it to generalize things a bit though, even when you're informing us of establishing a sense of intimacy with God. Don't get me wrong, it's a good introduction that starts us off on a journey to establish a sense of intimacy with God, it tells us to reconnect and renew that sense of intimacy. Suppose someone never had a sense of intimacy with God?
2. First keypoint. Your first keypoint starts us off on the journey to establish that sense of intimacy. What I really liked, is you tell us that We Need to Make The Time, essentially we need to slow things down in this busy world so we can feel his presence through discipline and a choice. What choice is this? You tell us to make time to relax in his presence at the beginning of the keypoint, and to use discipline and a choice at the end. That's a nice statement, but how do we know what that choice is? I don't think we have to necessarily slow the world down though. I think if you allow God to enter your consciousness and remain there, he'll be with you every moment of every day. We all have quiet times during our busy days, it's at those times that we can either use our sense of intimacy, or improve it by being aware of his presence. Your statement about a choice puzzles me though, even after initially reading this last night. It seems you meant to come back add to this and add more about a choice later, but never did.
3. Second keypoint. This is the keypoint that really puzzles me. I know we're all 'not righteous' in his eyes. I know we all have things that we cling to, whether they are our beliefs in general, our sinful ways, or just the way we choose to live, which encompasses everything if you will. Your keypoint though tells us we all have things we need to clear away and repent of before we approach God. The last sentence especially, really throws me off. The High Priest of Israel was only allowed to be in this place once a year to make sacrifices? It seems that should we succeed in doing what you say in this keypoint that we would be in that place 24/7/365. Surely the High Priest would be there like this, so why was he allowed to be there only once a year? I think I'm not educated enough to understand that statement. I think that if the average person was told to do this, to enter this state, that they would look at that statement and ask the same question. Essentially they might think, "You mean I do all this, and can only be in God's presence once a year?" That last sentence really makes me wonder.
4. Third keypoint. In my opinion, this is the most general keypoint of all. All three keypoints should provide information on how to establish a sense of intimacy with God, and the conclusion then sums your thoughts. I really struggle with this keypoint though. Exactly how do we attain this Holy of Holies? I agree we need to get there, but by following what path? The first two keypoints aren't the answer. The first one tells us to make time. The second one tells us that our sins are in the way, and this one? We need to enter the Holy of Holies. With the second and third keypoints being so general, how do we get this done? It's easy to say that our sins are in the way. Easy to say we need to clear away and repent, forsake our ways and return to the Lord. So how do we get this done? You provide excellent ideas, but it seems your leaving it up to us to figure this out, and that's the real issue. We can't figure it out on our own, we need guidance. You tell what the goal is, but provide little guidance on getting to that goal.
5. Conclusion. I guess I'm stuck on the particulars with this. Yes, I agree with your statements. Let's assume for a minute that I am a typical person (an I am) and want to establish a sense of intimacy with God. I look to your essay, I like what I see. But hey man, I need help. I need to know how I can establish this sense of intimacy. Your keypoints are good, but where's the guidance that will help me get there? I agree with your keypoints, I love them. But HOW do I get to the place I need to be. Let's see if I can make an analogy here, completely away from religion. I give you a car. I tell you that your goal is to drive it. But to do so, you need a license, you need to repair the car, and that you need to redo the interior so you can fit in in perfectly and comfortably. Once these steps are completed, you have reached your goal. Though you know how to get in, place it in gear and press the gas or brake as required, you have no clue about the rules of the road. You're not a mechanic, so how do you complete the repairs to the car? Remember, you have to fix it, not someone else. You have no idea how to correct the interior issues so you can sit in it comfortably either. Yet it is only after doing these things that I can drive it. I'm told what needs to be done, but I'm not able to complete them without some amount of guidance in some way. That's what I'm trying to say here. You provide excellent steps for us to take, but you don't really tell us how to take those steps.
Like I initially said, I really enjoyed reading this, and despite my comments above, I think you have an entry that met the contest rules by following the prompt. It's a nice essay, one that more people should read. I'd be interested to know if their mind comes up with questions very similar to mine. Again, a nice essay, thank you for sharing!
Sum1
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