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Review Requests: ON
3,145 Public Reviews Given
3,193 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Casual for the most part. I will point out errors I see and offer suggested corrections. I like to focus on the content and formatting of the item. I love providing helpful comments and feedback that may improve the item if acted on.
I'm good at...
I like to provide suggestions to the author on things I see that may need a second look. I'm not afraid to do a little research to verify a poem's format, or the contents of a story (if requested).
Favorite Genres
Mystery, Horror, Sci-Fi, Comedy, and Suspense
Least Favorite Genres
Honestly, I will read anything if asked. I just prefer those listed above.
Favorite Item Types
Short stories, novellas, books (though a review of that may take days/weeks due to my schedule), Poetry of any format.
Least Favorite Item Types
I find non-structured poetry difficult to review, unless there is a short disclaimer about this non-structure that would help in understanding the reason it's in that particular format.
I will not review...
I'm not interested in Vore, In and Out's, Growing/Shrinking, or other items that are similar to one of these.
Public Reviews
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26
26
Review of Awake  
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
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Hey BlackAdder,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 7th WDC Anniversary!

         This is a very good story, I really enjoyed reading it. I especially enjoyed the Sci-Fi part of it. It left me with a few questions though, and of course comments. If I may be so bold as to offer them for your consideration.


1. This seems short to, and needs a bit more buildup. I need to start with my questions first though.

2. How old is Richard? Donning fur slippers and a robe made him seem about 10 in my mind, yet his father tells him he's now a man. I guess I just don't see an 18 year old doing that. Then again, he was raised by what are essentially artificial intelligence holograms, so who's to say how he was raised?

3. This shocking news is broken to him quite suddenly by his parents. I would think that a normal human being would be very shocked and break down. Then again, Richard isn't what I would call a normal human being.

4. Towards the end, Richard wipes his eyes and sees that his parents are gone. Back to the thought about breaking down. IF that were to occur, this is where you could describe it more. Your descriptions thus far have been excellent, so I have no doubt you would do as well here, should you choose to do that.

5. I first said this story is too short, and it is. There is a lot you leave for us to decide for ourselves, and that's fine really. But if you wanted to make this longer, much longer, you could easily do that. An example I can think of is this. As Richard's parents are telling him this shocking news, suppose they mention courses he's had in school. These courses could deal with the world that is really out there, the real world so to speak, but it's taught as a fictional place. In doing so, those God's you mention a few times could be described; maybe they are really the humans who created this program....

6. What happened to his brother and sisters? Were they like the parents, not really there?

7. The parents last Good-bye seems rather brusque, even for someone that is not real. That might me being me though, it's hard to say. It just seems that whole breakfast scene was a bit rushed, and abrupt. If they raised him as they did, it would seem their approach would be a little (or a lot) less direct. IF you decide to edit this, perhaps hints about their real identity could be included in the buildup to this final scene. I think it would be awesome to drop clues but not give things away. Then this breakfast scene hits, and the reader is left in shock, realizing you dropped those hints, but they never picked up on it until the big 'reveal'.


         If you leave this as it is (which would be fine), there are a couple of very minor things you might want to look at.

1. He had overslept, and his parents would not be pleased, Birthday or no. Birthday should not be capitalized.

2. He pulled a robe from the corner bedpost and draped it over his smallclothes with scarcely a thought, and his hands tied the belt of their own accord. There are a couple of different things here. First, smallclothes should be two words. Secondly, this is a bit of a run-on sentence and could be worded better. When I first read it, I had to stop for a second to ensure I knew what you had typed. IT's the part about his hands tying the belt that threw me.


         A very good story with a plot that is fast moving. I still think it could be longer, maybe even novel length if you wanted. Thank you for sharing!



Sum1

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27
27
Review of God's Messenger  
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hey Wierdone,
         I posted in "Twenty-three in Eleven immediately after you, and have the privilege of reviewing your story. I hope my comments help you develop as a writer.

         Y'know, your descriptions of Evelyn, coupled with the actions of Jason are perfect for a teen brother and sister. I know I felt the same way about my sister when I was 16 or so, so I can understand his sentiment perfectly. Evelyn's comments about Jason's lack of personal care were spot on too, describing him perfectly it seems. I could see the two of them talking in his room as I read the story.

         When Evelyn first complimented Jason on his voice being a tenor or even a baritone, you described her hesitancy well. Once again, you helped me visualize the scene as the two of them chatted. I know how I would have felt in the same situation, and could relate to Jason well then.

         I'm not Catholic so I have no clue about the Rosary and its four sets of mysteries. I found that part very interesting, mainly because I've been blessed with a mind that loves learning new things. Not being Catholic allows me the chance to learn about this religion. Especially if I choose to write something in the future that would involve a person of the Catholic faith. Thank you for that.

         I do have one comment for you about this though. In the genre's, your third one is 'Other'. You might want to consider changing that to Biographical (if this is a true story), or fiction if that fits. I really enjoyed reading this, thank you for sharing!



Sum1

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28
28
Review of The Woman in Navy  
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*CakeP*


Hey Quill,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 16th WDC Anniversary!

         I love a good story with a twist at the end. Some might not consider the ending here a twist, but I do. I was wondering who your 'Anne' really was, but had no idea where you were taking this. For me, that's a good twist, one where the reader keeps on just because they have no idea what's going on. You did an excellent job in hiding Luke's true intentions. A very good story that I'd love to have seen more backstory to, making it a bit longer of course. Thank you for sharing!



Sum1

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29
29
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*CakeP*


Hey LinnAnn
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 13th WDC Anniversary!

         I'm breaking my own rules here by reviewing a photo. I don't think a review of a photo can ever do it justice, but I had to review this. So, I had to make an exception in your case. This is such a nice photo of the two of you that I couldn't pass it by without at least commenting on it. You've been through so much recently, I am beyond thrilled that you have someone in your life to care for you now. You've now been married a year and a half, and seem as happy now as this special day. I hope your happiness never ends. My only comment about this is that it would have been much nicer if the photographer could have snapped the two of you at a 90 degree angle, or from the side. Right now, your face is hidden a little. However, I can sense the happiness the two of you shared by the look on Eugene's face. Congratulations to both of you! Thank you for sharing.


Sum1

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30
30
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey Neva,
         I posted in "Twenty-three in Eleven after you, and thus have the privilege of reviewing your entry. I hope you find my words helpful for you as you improve yourself and your writing.

         In your essay, you provide some nice examples of relatives you remember. While I love your essay and the descriptions of your grandparents, I don't think this hits the nail on the head. What I mean is, how does one grow old gracefully? I find this to be very much an opinion someone has, and we all know how many of those are out there, as well as what each one is worth.

         Though you describe your mother's parents well, I didn't get how they grew old gracefully. Sure they had some great qualities, I think that anyone who lives to about our age has some qualities that others can say "That person has aged gracefully." Your grandfather had patience and never complained. You mentioned his cancer briefly, as well as how he would do something about a situation if he could. You do much the same in writing about your maternal, and paternal grandmothers. And later still, you wrote about a woman you cared for over a period of time. In each case you described them well. What didn't ring for me though, was how this showed them growing old gracefully. I guess I was looking for your descriptions of how someone grew old gracefully. Yes, you described your grandparents well, but for some reason it didn't ring with me.

         I did see a couple of very minor things you might want to look at, should you consider editing this.

1. Or when workers came to la y carpet, she had cookies and coffee to offer them. I think you see the obvious error here.

2. Patience, friendliness, independence, and the ability to make your won decisions are only a few of the qualities that allow one to grow old gracefully. This is what I think this essay should have focused on, then adding your grandparents to the essay as an example of this quality. However, in that line, won should be own.

         This is a very nice essay, my comments about it are just that, comments. The lines listed as 1 and 2 are corrections that should be made if you edit this, everything else is just an opinion. Thank you for sharing!


Sum1

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31
31
Review of A Dog's Christmas  
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*CakeP*


Hey jdennis
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 5th WDC Anniversary!

         This is pretty cute, it did give me a bit of a chuckle. At the bottom you say you still can't rhyme, but I have to disagree, you did decently well in this poem.

         Your poem rhymes well for the most part, but faltered in places. Some will find fault with your rhyme scheme though, but I won't. The reason? Look up most any famous poet on line and read some of their poetry. For the most part, it definitely doesn't meet what many look at as today's standard. My opinion is, if it's right for you as you write it, how can it be so wrong?

         There are some areas that could be improved though, including your rhyme scheme. When I'm stuck while writing a poem, I frequently turn to https://rhymezone.com/. You can enter a word, it will find rhymes for most anything you enter.

         Here's what most will criticize say (hopefully gently) about your rhyme scheme. It's inconsistent. Let me explain. Your first verse uses an aabb rhyme scheme, but the second verse uses an abcb rhyme scheme. This continues throughout the poem, not necessarily in that format, it doesn't repeat itself every two verses is what I mean. In my personal opinion, what matters most is the story you relate here. Yours is very cute. IF you wanted to edit this, you might want to use a consistent rhyme scheme. That's totally up to you. I wouldn't do it though, and destroy the storyline. And that's what I disliked about traditional poetry all along. A poet will often use words that the average person doesn't understand. When I started writing poetry, I swore I'd use words that anyone can understand. As a result, some like it, some don't. Oh well.

         Again, this is a really cute poem, I'm not sure I'd change anything in in just to make it a 'proper' poem. Thank you for sharing!



Sum1


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32
32
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hey Zachary,
         Thank you for requesting a review of this from me. What an honor! I hope my comments will help you improve the story, if it needs improving.

         You have written an interesting story here, but I think it needs quite a bit of editing TLC. My first, and really my strongest comment is this. You. Need. To. Slow. This. Down. It flows far too fast. There is a lot going on in this, things move so fast that it's difficult to concentrate on the story and understand what's going on. Don't get me wrong, it's a good story, but allow it to develop! A LOT.

         While reading this, I had many questions enter my mind. Instead of writing about your grammar usage (it does need help in some places), I will tell you my questions.

1. First, increase font size. This is very hard to read in the default font size. Use the WritingML commands to do that. Here's an example in the default font, then I will increase it to a Font size 4, and show you how I did this (in case you don't know how this is done). Now in font size 4. Here's an example in the default font, then I will increase it to a Font size 4, and show you how I did this (in case you don't know how this is done). How is it done? {size:4}Here's an example in the default font, then I will increase it to a Font size 4, and show you how I did this (in case you don't know how this is done).{/size} If you choose to do this, you must include the brackets you see.

2. I know this is a prologue, but it doesn't read like one. It reads like a chapter from a novel. A prologue should introduce us to the characters and their environment, and also briefly describe what's going on. This jumps right into the story, and raised a lot of questions in my mind. So here's some of them.

         a. Why are two young boys the only ones who are trying to solve the problem with Kael's energy? It seems that adults would have recognized this curse, talent, ability, whatever you want to call it long ago. They may have been able to find an answer before Kael and Jace start their adventure.

         b. As I mentioned already, this moves far too fast. I mean it moves at light-speed it seems. In just over 4000 words, you started us on this journey with Kael an Jace. They start on an evening after the sun sets. The boys find a large wooden door. They open the door and explore the interior. The next thing we know, Kael is waking in the morning. That day is spent in a library reading ancient tomes. A jump is made to a new location, it's night once again, we find the two boys in some ruins. Suddenly a gust of wind blows out their torches. Kael feels the presence of something watching them. An ancient, powerful being. It wants the tablet they were just studying before their torches were extinguished by the wind. Kael grabs a torch from the lit hallway (why were those still lit when their torches had been blown out?), and found Jace on the floor, apparently dead, or close to it. In those 4000 words, you moved the reader to 3 or 4 locations all while providing some very good descriptions. But this prologue goes into too much depth for a prologue. Far too much.

         c. During all this, Kael and Jace are alone, no elder is watching/helping/guiding them. Why? From your descriptions, it would seem that at least one of them would. You mention Master Elara once. He would be a good mentor/guide, but you mention him, and drop him like a hot rock.

         d. I know you want this story to center around Kael's abilities. However, you use this line, or lines very similar to it several times in the story. As they continued their search, Kael felt the familiar hum of electricity building beneath his skin. It took every ounce of his willpower to keep the energy at bay, lest it surge out of control and destroy everything around him. You can mention it a couple of times of course, but it seemed you concentrated on it. This detracts from the enjoyment of the read.

         e. Just like you seem to be hung up on Kael's abilities, making sure the reader is aware of why Kael and Jace are on this 'trek', I'm hung up on why no one else is involved in the search. My other biggest comment on your story is that at the end of this prologue, you seem to have killed off one of the main characters. NO. NO WAY should that be part of a prologue. Nuff said.


         Your story reminded me a little bit of Andre Norton's novel, Daybreak 2250 A.D. Just a little. No, you didn't plagiarize her story. Your story is unique, and a little similar to a book I read as a young pre-teen or teen. You have a nice start here, but that's what it is, a start. My advice? Slow it down, rewrite your prologue and include less action, and more of a backdrop or background to describe what's to come.

         Thank you for sharing and allowing me to review this!




Sum1

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33
33
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
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Hey Dyrhearte,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 21st WDC Anniversary!

         This is a very good story, and was wondering what the unhuman twist was that you list in the brief description. Placing it at the end was great. However, I think I'd remove the unhuman twist in the brief description. Leave the reader to learn about it as they get to the end of the story!

         I loved your use of grammar, old west style or whatever you wish to call it. I an never write something in an accent like that, so I applaud you on this. I do love reading it when I see it though.

         There is one area that seems to have a run on sentence that could be broken into two or three sentences though. Rango, with his front legs stiff forward and his back feet braced forward, and Boyd his feet braced forward in the stirrups over his mount's shoulders; horse and rider slid down the hill all the way to a shallow ledge. Here's an example for you. Boyd and Rango slid down the hill, their destination a shallow ledge. Rango's front legs were braced stiff and forward, his back legs bent a little, but also braced forward. Boyd's feet were braced forward in the stirrups over his mount's shoulders. After a few slips and shuffles to one side, horse and rider arrived safely at a shallow ledge.


         This is a very cute story though, I think it would make a nice children's book if lengthened, or a child's short story as is. You might consider adding the genre of young adult or children's story to your genre choices. Thank you for sharing!



Sum1

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34
34
Review of What am I?  
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey Weirdone,
         Let's face it, I'm older, and while I know who Taylor Swift is, I'm not that familiar with her music or sons. I listened to Anti-Hero on YouTube, I have to confess I wasn't impressed. Like I said though, I'm older and do not appreciate much of today's music offerings.

         Your poem fits the Mistress Bradstreet form perfectly, though I do wonder exactly what you're saying here. There is a story in your poem, I realize that. Having said all that, I know it sounds like I dislike your poem. That's not true at all. I do like it, the Mistress Bradstreet form does make it a little hard to read, hard to get a feel for the flow. That lack of consistent flow is caused by the Mistress Bradstreet form, with its 10-10-6-8-10-10-6-12 syllable count, and the abcbddba rhyme scheme. Of course this is a form I'm not familiar with too, that doesn't help one bit. Let me see if I can offer you any advice on this. What advice I do offer will be in the form minor comments and personal thoughts. Why? Because as I've said, you followed the Mistress Bradstreet form perfectly, so I can't comment on form.

         I've mentioned your content, that I wonder what message you're trying to convey. The first verse fits in with the official video for Anti-Hero, the part where she's a giant in someone's house. Personal opinion here, nothing more. I would have kept that theme going, concentrating on providing more information about this ugly giant. I didn't write this though, you did.

         Some more specific comments for you.

         1. Add the title of this to the poem itself. As shown on the page, it has no title, yet you give it one on the page. Along with that thought, add your name at the bottom and the date you wrote this, which may be different than the date you posted this on WDC. These are just my person opinions in this comment.

         2. The biggest comment I can make about this, is that the poem doesn't seem to have an ending. True, you stop at three verses, but that doesn't seem to be an ending. You provide a bit of info in each verse, I like that. I just don't see an ending to the poem. It could still go on it seems. You might want to consider either a 4th verse, or figure out a way for this to end. As written right now, I don't see an ending.


         This is a very interesting poem, one that makes you think. Thank you for sharing!


Sum1

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35
35
Review of Jenga (288 words)  
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
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Hey Duchess
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 1st WDC Anniversary!

         Wow! What a story you wrote! The flow is excellent, the dialog really carries it. Marcus and Mary seem to be an excellent couple, one whose relationship should continue as a long distance one. IF they moved it to a long distance relationship, they would learn if things were meant to be. I know his Mom said "long distance relationships never work out. Especially teenage ones.” There is some truth to her statement, and this would be a good test, they would learn if their love is true, or just a teenage obsession with each other. The last line is perfect, it fits so well with where I think you felt their relationship would go. Thank you for sharing!


Sum1

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36
36
Review of Hello, Out There!  
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
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Hey Jay,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 7th WDC Anniversary!

         I enjoyed reading this poem/prose. I looked at a few things in your port and loved the photos of you and Jade Amber Jewel , I have to say I liked the Snarling Jade more than the smiling one. I can't explain it, it just seems to me that the snarl fits better for The Jungle Book.

         I really liked the flow of this, and the message in the prose. The one thing that sticks out at me is the last line. It seems to be missing the letter I to start it off. While I've dabbled in poetry, I've never written prose, so I could be totally out to lunch there. My other comment on this would be that I've love for this to be a little bit longer. But, I didn't write this, it's as long as you wanted it to be. Thank you for sharing!



Sum1

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37
37
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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Hey April,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 14th WDC Anniversary!

         Man, you had me with the first part of this story. I loved the scene you set for the execution, though I wasn't looking forward to reading about it. I really enjoyed the twist when Rose turned the tables on the town with her tar and feathers falling off, and her curse! Loved it.

         Then it seemed you lost focus, or weren't sure how to carry the story forward in the same vein you started it on. What I mean is, after Eve received the news of her father's death, the story seemed to become more of a Young Teen type story, and not the adult (is that a proper wording for it?) that it started out as. That isn't necessarily a bad thing, it's just that the tone of the story changed. A lot. It seemed.

         Overall, the story is very well written, but sometimes it seemed to flow too fast. Several later scenes did not contain the same detailed descriptions that I found so appealing at first. Again, it's not a bad thing, it just 'changed' is all. An example would be Eve and Sybil fleeing the town. That scene flew by faster than Blackthorn can fly. (Forgive the pun please). There were others like it in the story that would have benefited from a bit more detail and action/descriptions. Here's a thought about the scene of the girls fleeing the town. Why couldn't Blackthorn stop the knights with a bit of 'fire-breath'? Suppose the girls had encountered a 'road trap' set by the knights that would cause them to be captured, only to have Blackthorn save the day in some fashion. Things like this would have really strengthened the storyline. Leaving it as it currently is, with few details later in the story gives if a Juvenile skew to it. That's just my opinion though.

         This is a good story, don't get me wring. I did enjoy reading it. I just feel it started out in one 'vein', then shifted to a juvenile type story somewhere along the way. Thank you for sharing!



Sum1

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38
38
Review of Jack in The Green  
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
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Hey Adherennium,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 2nd WDC Anniversary!

         You are right, this is a very good start to a longer story. It does need to be fleshed out a bit. Your storyline/plot is excellent, you have wondering exactly who/what 'The Jack' is. He seems to be a bit like the characters from 'Judgement On Janus', by Andre Norton. I remember reading it once or twice in High School, so the complete story is dim in my memory. What I do remember, is that somehow a man came to the planet Janus and somehow was changed into a green creature, he had what humans referred to as 'the green sick'. Other than that, I remember very little or it. Your story has hints of that novel in it though.

         I would love to give this a 5 star rating, but I can't. While your story is excellent and has a nice flow to it, it also contains run-on sentences (something I'm guilty of frequently, and try hard to avoid them). Here's an example.

                   Not until his manager, unable to contact him by phone, had decided to visit his house and found it locked and seemingly empty, that any sort of alarm was raised. This could easily be broken into a couple of sentences, maybe something like this. It was not until his manager, unable to contact him by phone, decided to visit his house. He found it locked and seemingly empty. It was at that point that any sort of alarm was raised.

         There are others in your story, you may want to read this over and see what you think. Overall though, it's a very good story that just needs a little editing TLC. Thank you for sharing!


Sum1

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39
39
Review by Sum1
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Rated: E | (4.5)
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Hey Katrina,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 13th WDC Anniversary!

         Well of course I know it's your Anniversary! After all we essentially joined WDC together! Then again, you're also the Featured Author this month. Happy Anniversary Honey!

         Now as far as this recipe goes; you had my mouth watering early on. When are you going to bake this again? I'll be right there! Don't we both wish.... It does sound Yummy...

         I do have to give you one comment though.

1. Years ago, I spent lots of time with my grandparents. I have to say, there's no such word as 'lots'. It should be Years ago, I spent a lot of time with my grandparents. Yeah I know, picky, picky...

         I'm sure this recipe is as excellent as it sounds. Keep writing honey!



Jim


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for entry "~Intimacy with God~
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hey ruwth ,
         As you know, I am the judge for your May Contest, "Write An Essay About.... In writing this review, I will look less at writing errors and instead will focus on whether or not you met the criteria you specified in the contest rules.

         This is well written, which is why I'm not going to focus on your writing itself. To start this off, let's look at the portions of your essay individually. I will say that you have provided very good directions on how to establish an intimacy with God through your introduction, the three keypoints, and conclusion.

         Introduction. You have a nice introduction here. I really like your way of showing us in t his introduction that we need to start somewhere, but where? In this Introduction you mention the Bible a couple of times. It's obvious to me that you treasure the Bible, and have probably read it more than one time.

         First Keypoint. Your first keypoint is Worship. You stress that we must thank God for all he had done, and praise him for all that he is. It would be nice to think that we all are capable of entering Heaven to be with God once we leave his Green Earth, but if we have to worship as you've described here, some of us are going to be surprised when we're denied entry. I have to wonder how many people will achieve this sincerity is all.


         Second Keypoint. I love that you are honest in your assessment of your priority in the second keypoint. You are human after all, so it's not surprising that at times you don't act like your relationship with God is the most important thing in your life all the time. I feel that if you're too tired at times, God understands. You strive to maintain that relationship, I know at times you feel you've failed. I disagree. The only way you can disappoint God is by turning his back on Him, which I know you will never do.


         Third Keypoint. Your third keypoint is the most important one in my opinion. We can worship all we want, we can make our relationship with him our #1 priority, but if we don't make time for him, what have we achieved? I see you making time for him in every post here on Writing.com. You worked as a nurse for years, and recently you left that position for reasons I'm not aware of (which is fine of course). I am willing to bet that each day you prayed in one way or another, you made time to spend time thinking about God, even if you couldn't worship him as you feel you should. am also willing to bet that if you found another person who feels as you do (or maybe someone who just needed a little support), that you didn't hesitate to pray with them. That's the kind of person you are is what I mean.


         Conclusion. Your conclusion is excellent, though I disagree with one statement. Our relationship with Him is a gift, a gift we can not earn but a gift we can receive. My disagreement is that we can earn this gift, but are we able to receive it? I feel you have to achieve all three of your keypoints to earn that gift, but you also have to be capable of receiving it. Only by knowing the gift is offered are we capable of receiving it. Our minds must be open, we must be ready. I am willing to bet that many times people are not aware that the gift has been offered, and therefore cannot receive it. That's a very sad thought.


         Overall, this is an excellent essay. IF you weren't the owner of the forum, I think I would have declared you the winner. But being the owner of the forum, I didn't feel that would be the right thing to do. Privately, you are my 'Co-Winner'. Thank you for hosting this contest, and allowing me to judge it.


Jim

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Review of Intimacy with God  
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hey LightinMind ,
         I am the official judge for "Write An Essay About... this month, I'm here to judge your entry. I will try to give you constructive feedback on this, and hopefully information that may help you improve as a writer. I will not be judging your entry on the use of proper English (comma misuse, English errors in general), nor comment on that unless there are what I term a 'gross misuse' of the English language.

         I really enjoyed reading your essay, it was formatted well, following the guidelines in the prompt. The one thing I did not see, and has nothing to do with your writing, is the information you provided in the the notes below your entry. "RULES: You may submit two entries this round. You may submit an essay about meditating in general or an essay about your personal experience with meditating. If you submit two entries, it must be one of each. I think ruwth changed the forum after you copied this, all I know is that it doesn't exist on the forum page now. In looking at the forum entries for April, that statement about the rules may have come from there, it's not there for May.

         The prompt is to write about having a sense of intimacy with God. Your entry looks at it more from a third person point of view rather than informing us of your personal sense of intimacy with our supreme being. At first I was a little thrown off with that, but quickly realized there was nothing in the forum that said you have to inform us of your sense of intimacy with God. Let's look at your entry, and each part required by the forum rules.

1. Introduction. Your introduction is very good, I think it sets the stage for your essay very nicely. I found it to generalize things a bit though, even when you're informing us of establishing a sense of intimacy with God. Don't get me wrong, it's a good introduction that starts us off on a journey to establish a sense of intimacy with God, it tells us to reconnect and renew that sense of intimacy. Suppose someone never had a sense of intimacy with God?

2. First keypoint. Your first keypoint starts us off on the journey to establish that sense of intimacy. What I really liked, is you tell us that We Need to Make The Time, essentially we need to slow things down in this busy world so we can feel his presence through discipline and a choice. What choice is this? You tell us to make time to relax in his presence at the beginning of the keypoint, and to use discipline and a choice at the end. That's a nice statement, but how do we know what that choice is? I don't think we have to necessarily slow the world down though. I think if you allow God to enter your consciousness and remain there, he'll be with you every moment of every day. We all have quiet times during our busy days, it's at those times that we can either use our sense of intimacy, or improve it by being aware of his presence. Your statement about a choice puzzles me though, even after initially reading this last night. It seems you meant to come back add to this and add more about a choice later, but never did.

3. Second keypoint. This is the keypoint that really puzzles me. I know we're all 'not righteous' in his eyes. I know we all have things that we cling to, whether they are our beliefs in general, our sinful ways, or just the way we choose to live, which encompasses everything if you will. Your keypoint though tells us we all have things we need to clear away and repent of before we approach God. The last sentence especially, really throws me off. The High Priest of Israel was only allowed to be in this place once a year to make sacrifices? It seems that should we succeed in doing what you say in this keypoint that we would be in that place 24/7/365. Surely the High Priest would be there like this, so why was he allowed to be there only once a year? I think I'm not educated enough to understand that statement. I think that if the average person was told to do this, to enter this state, that they would look at that statement and ask the same question. Essentially they might think, "You mean I do all this, and can only be in God's presence once a year?" That last sentence really makes me wonder.

4. Third keypoint. In my opinion, this is the most general keypoint of all. All three keypoints should provide information on how to establish a sense of intimacy with God, and the conclusion then sums your thoughts. I really struggle with this keypoint though. Exactly how do we attain this Holy of Holies? I agree we need to get there, but by following what path? The first two keypoints aren't the answer. The first one tells us to make time. The second one tells us that our sins are in the way, and this one? We need to enter the Holy of Holies. With the second and third keypoints being so general, how do we get this done? It's easy to say that our sins are in the way. Easy to say we need to clear away and repent, forsake our ways and return to the Lord. So how do we get this done? You provide excellent ideas, but it seems your leaving it up to us to figure this out, and that's the real issue. We can't figure it out on our own, we need guidance. You tell what the goal is, but provide little guidance on getting to that goal.

5. Conclusion. I guess I'm stuck on the particulars with this. Yes, I agree with your statements. Let's assume for a minute that I am a typical person (an I am) and want to establish a sense of intimacy with God. I look to your essay, I like what I see. But hey man, I need help. I need to know how I can establish this sense of intimacy. Your keypoints are good, but where's the guidance that will help me get there? I agree with your keypoints, I love them. But HOW do I get to the place I need to be. Let's see if I can make an analogy here, completely away from religion. I give you a car. I tell you that your goal is to drive it. But to do so, you need a license, you need to repair the car, and that you need to redo the interior so you can fit in in perfectly and comfortably. Once these steps are completed, you have reached your goal. Though you know how to get in, place it in gear and press the gas or brake as required, you have no clue about the rules of the road. You're not a mechanic, so how do you complete the repairs to the car? Remember, you have to fix it, not someone else. You have no idea how to correct the interior issues so you can sit in it comfortably either. Yet it is only after doing these things that I can drive it. I'm told what needs to be done, but I'm not able to complete them without some amount of guidance in some way. That's what I'm trying to say here. You provide excellent steps for us to take, but you don't really tell us how to take those steps.


         Like I initially said, I really enjoyed reading this, and despite my comments above, I think you have an entry that met the contest rules by following the prompt. It's a nice essay, one that more people should read. I'd be interested to know if their mind comes up with questions very similar to mine. Again, a nice essay, thank you for sharing!



Sum1

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for entry "~Daddy's Tree~
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hey ruwth,
         I enjoyed your Haiku, you met the format well. While others might think little of this, the poem and picture come to life when you read the text after clicking the photo.

         I do think the tree could have benefited from a trim job. You are right in your suggestion to him to top the tree, but a trim job would have helped a lot too. I'm no arborist, but it seems it would have helped shape the tree somewhat. Then again though, if your father loved the tree the way it was, why trim it? An arborist would know best really. I know he was proud of it growing from 'just a twig', but if trimming it made it look better, then he'd be even more proud. It's all a matter of opinion.


Sum1

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Review of Crown of Glory  
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hey Neva,
         I posted in "Twenty-three in Eleven immediately after you, so I have the pleasure of reviewing your poem.

         You do an excellent job in showing us how the mountaintops change as the sun sets. Your description of how the colors change as the evening progresses is great. I love the 3rd verse the most, to me it sets everything up perfectly. I could see in my minds eye what was going on.

         While I love this poem, there is one thing I thought should be in it, but dang if I can recommend how to word it so everything fits well. In that third verse I love, it seems you need wording about the sun lowering more beyond those mountains that give it the shimmering golden crown.

         This is a really beautiful poem, keep writing, keep up the good work!



Sum1


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Review of Grandpa's Bell  
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*CakeP*


Hey Nanapockets,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 18th WDC Anniversary!

         I'm a sap for stories like this. I have come to firmly believe that everyone I've met is nice, for the most part. I've traveled around the world a bit, been in countries that you'd swear were not a good place to be. Algeria is an example. You know the stories we've seen posted on the good ol' internet. Believers in Islam are all bad, they want to rule the world, and kill those who are not believers. Sadly, I don't think Christians are much better. Anyway, everywhere I've been, I've found good people, people full of love. This story reminds me of that.

         WDC has made me a bit of a critic, no matter what I read, I look at it with a critical eye. Despite liking this story overall, it does need a little editing. Very little, but still.... My comments on it are below.


1. "Are you save you want to hear this?" He asked. Save should be sure.

2. "Sho couldn't speak English and I could not Japanese. You are missing the word speak before Japanese. I know it seems obvious, but it should be there.

3. Your description makes it sound like Sho and Grandpa are enemies. They are not, their countries are, or might be, but the people in this story are not enemies. My comment above about the world fits here. I've come to believe that people do not necessarily hate other countries and their people. Governments do. Those in control do. Place a person in a position of power, and they change. Power corrupts.

         This is a nice short story, thank you for sharing!



Sum1

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45
45
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*CakeP*


Hey Tenebris,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 5th WDC Anniversary!

         This is a nice ghost story of sorts, but it could really use a bit of editing. The story itself is spooky enough, but you seemed to rush through writing it, as if you were afraid it would happen all over again as you wrote it. If I may, I have a few suggestions for you about it.

1. This is all 'tell', no show. What I mean, is for you to describe exactly how seeing this 'ghost' sitting on your grandparents bed shook you to the core. Were you so scared that you almost pee'd your pants? After all, you were on the way to the bathroom. If so, tell us, describe what you did to keep from wetting yourself. Even if it's not true, adding it to the story would improve it. Perhaps a line that resembles the following: What I saw shook me to the core. I already had to use the bathroom, seeing this apparition on my grandparents bed made my blood run cold. The urge to urinate (or pee if you want to use that word) was overwhelming. I found myself almost dancing in the hallway as I stared at the scene before me.

2. If you edit this, break it into short paragraphs. First, you playing video games. Second, seeing the apparition. Third, leaving the bathroom and looking back. Fourth, not using the bathroom the rest of the night.

3. Your first line is a bit of a run-on sentence, and mixed up as far as words go. It would be better worded as follows: One night I was home alone playing video games when I had the urge to use the bathroom.

4. Don't be afraid to talk to the reader as the story progresses. Something like this. You know how you get the feeling you shouldn't do something, but do it anyway? Well, As I headed down the hall, I got the feeling that I should not look in my grandparents room and just like in every horror movie, I ignored the feeling and looked.

         These small edits would improve your story and draw your reader deeper into the story. Remember, you want them to be involved, to be a part of it almost. The more detail you can provide, the more realistic you can make it, the more the reader will be involved.

         This is a nice start to a horror story, but it could be full of more tension and buildup. Thank you for sharing!



Sum1

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46
46
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*CakeP*


Hey James,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 21st WDC Anniversary!

         I believe that sometimes, or often, when you write, you have to have fun. It sure seems like you had fun writing this, because it was fun to read it.

         In the story you tell here, I think someone will be paying, and that will probably be your husband. At least that's what you say in the last verse. Been there, done that, but not anymore, Thank God. This is a very entertaining poem though, as I said, a fun read. I have no suggestions, other than maybe centering it on the page. Thank you for sharing!



Sum1


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47
47
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*CakeP*


Hey Maryann,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 21st WDC Anniversary! Well, actually, being the Featured Author this month, you know I knew it's your Anniversary....

         Your story was fun to read in many ways. I think you should add the genre Young Adult to it. The reason I mention that is because to me, it reads like a story a young adult would enjoy.

         The biggest reason I say Young Adult genre is that you leave a lot of details out. Things I wanted to see in the story, but not necessary in one written for younger people. I had the impression this was intentional on your part too. What do I mean? In the third paragraph, your descriptions of humans was excellent. But if they came from Saturn, how did they know what legs and feet are? In school of course! You go on to describe how our legs support our bodies, our feet allow us to walk and stand in one place, easily balanced. Things like this don't need an explanation for younger people, they accept it as written. That's my opinion at least.

         I enjoyed reading about their excursion to have ice cream. That was really cute, and quite well done. The descriptions of the wind, sand, and road were also good. The only other thing I thought was a little off, was how easily she used common terms like Jeep. Of course she learned this in school, but still, her use of the names just seemed off without further explanation.

         Despite my comments and such, I really enjoyed reading this. Thank you for sharing!



Sum1

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48
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Review of Swingers  
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hey Sox,
         I love stories about inanimate objects. Well, yours isn't exactly inanimate, still...

         This is pretty good if you ask me. Just my feelings here, but I'd love to have seen this be a little longer. Yeah I know, I didn't write it, you did. But that's my opinion, worth absolutely nothing. I wrote something similar to this a long while ago, "What I Saw, I chose to keep the identity of the object a secret until close to the end.

         I think it would have been very difficult to hide the identity of this object throughout your short story. At first glance, I thought this was you talking, and I wondered why you live in a park? Then it hit me, and I smiled. Well done! I have no suggestions to offer. The wording is good, the storyline carries it well.

         Your ending was good and unexpected. I think back to my past, the playgrounds I frequented as a child, and long for days like that. In my eyes, 'progress' isn't really progress. Safety? Nah, just go play, and be careful in what you do. You can't go through this life sheltered from all forms of harm or danger. If you do, there are so many things you miss out on. Thank you for bringing back memories.



Sum1

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49
49
for entry "~ The Agreement ~
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hey ruwth,
         Thank you for requesting a review of this by me. I will do my best to provide you with comments that will help improve your story if needed.

         From the beginning, I could tell you wrote this in a bit of a rush, and may not have submitted it yet. I also know you can edit this, and hope you devote the time necessary to do so, because it does need a bit of editing TLC. Let's jump right into it, shall we?

1. First and foremost, every bit of dialog in missing opening and closing quotation marks. Since those weren't used, it difficult to discover when the dialog stopped, and the non-dialog portion began.

2. Aaron will be five years old next month and he has spent most of his life with Brian and Laura. I think it would be good to add something like the following here. Brian and Laura are the only parent figures Aaron's known.

3. The most important thing is to have a relationship with him, isn't it.

Ashley and I will just have another kid and get away from all of you so that we can raise it ourselves.
If I read (and understand) this correctly, this is Michael speaking. If so, they should be one line. If you want them separate, add a little non-dialog here to describe Michaels's actions. Maybe he paces the room, stops and turns around, and says the second sentence. You need more descriptive text, you do more telling that showing in this story.

4. She and his dad had helped Michael and Ashley fight for visitation with Aaron.

5. It had been supervised visitation for years but that had been okay because it meant Michael's dad got to be on Aaron's life, too. In this line, on Aaron's life should be 'a part of Aaron's life. Also, the time period is three years. I would remove the years part and just say Michael's visits were closely supervised, or something to that effect.


         Despite those comments, I do like this story. Like I said, it seems you wrote this in a rush to get it submitted in time. There's more telling than showing here, which is uncommon for you. Once the dialog stopped, that's when the true telling started. I know you can do better, editing this today or tomorrow is your choice. I know how you feel though, because that's how I felt about my entry last month. Good luck in everything you do my friend!



Jim

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for entry "Shamrocks
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey Carly,

         I think everyone loves the spring, this poem relates this feeling well. You created several images in my mind as I read this. The warm sun in the sky, a light breeze that caresses your face, making you smile, snow covering the scene, yet melting away as the weather changes. Love those images!

         I'm not much of a fan of free verse poems anymore, but this one fits the bill of one well. I really like the word you created for the Neology contest, Springish. Well done! My only comment is not about the poem, but about your post. Yor signature is in the post twice, something I do too, all too often. Thank you for sharing!


Sum1

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