Thank you so much for another exciting chapter in the life of Coalie the blacksmith. You managed to convey the urgency as more and more was expected and needed from the young man. I could feel the constancy of the work during the battle and his utter exhaustion when he was allowed at last to stop.
I enjoyed reading your story very much.
Hello, I’m reviewing this story as part of ‘I Write.’
I’m so pleased this review opportunity fell to me because I learnt so much about Central Park!
You did a great job of describing the many things there are to see. I had no idea it was so interesting.
Besides the tour the story was just lovely. I could feel her frustration with you though. What took you so long? 🤔
I loved happy ending so the fact you’re happily married with three children was the icing on the cake, so to speak.
Thank you so much for sharing this lovely story.
Cheers Sue
Hi, I’m reviewing this story as you requested. Please be aware any suggestions are simply that and are personal. They are for you to accept or decline
The things I liked best
I liked the title. The Last Date. It draws the reader in, needing to know more.
I thought the first person point of view was very suitable for this piece. Sometimes it can be a little wearing on the reader but as the focus of the story was all on Sophia, the fact the reader had little information about the narrator, right up to the last couple of words, didn’t detract from the action. The opening paragraph
The first sentence could have been written better. I first saw her as she was walking with a limp, from the right leg, down the side of the street around dusk.
I suggest changing it to read:I first saw the woman down the side of the street around dusk. She was walking with a limp.
After the words cradled in her arms omit and was
Para.2.
Fourth line there is an extra a before handmade quilt, which should be one word without the hyphen.
Para. 3.
1st line. I would suggest: her legs were freezing and tinged blue from the bitter cold weather.
4th line. Omit went around to my door
Para. 9
She passed her hand gently over each name and date, lingering on each branch…
Para. 10.
Unaware instead not aware.
Para. 11. On an impulse. Rather than, out of impulse ‘
Para. 12. I knew she would not be able to walk I knew she couldn’t walk or stand
Para. 19. …Alzheimers unit for two of them
Para. 21.
omit…but I managed to sew…sewed
Para. 22.
I think it should read… was deaf. Your telling the story in the past tense. Am deaf is present tense.
I hope you can take or leave the suggestions. It’s your story and it’s lovely.
One more suggestion is that you run it through a grammar checker. There are comma errors but I’m not an aficionado of grammar especially commas!
Thank you so much for asking me to review this heartwarming story. I loved the little twist at the end.
You’re a really good writer and I hope to be able to read more.
Hi I’m reviewing this again for I Write because my last review didn’t count.
My thoughts still stand though, I found it to be clever considering the limitations of the contest. There was no doubt you were describing the heart without using any of the taboo words. Good luck with the contest, I also entered it. I like the challenge it sets, makes you really think about the words you use. In your case you did exceptionally well using so few lines. Congratulations.
How hard that must have been to write. I can’t imagine the grief you had to go through although you did well to convey a little of it in this soul baring poem.
What broke me up the most was that you have no photographs of your wife. I can’t imagine why that would be but it adds to your loss.
I’m lucky to still have my life partner and your poem makes me appreciate the time we’ve had and the few years we have left together.
Thank you so much for sharing.
Sue
I really love this poem. You told a whole story in such few lines. Very clever not using any of the taboo words. There was no doubt what the subject was.
Well done, thanks for sharing.
That’s a truly disturbing story. Your story began with the old guy whose clogged up nose and phlegmy cough made me squirm already. (I hate not being able to breath through my nose.)
The hat was disgusting, but truly well described, especially with the remains of a corpse still stuck inside. Then of course the owner searching for his lost hat, well who wouldn’t scream? Perhaps it was just the old man’s fever? I’ll pretend that’s it. 😱
Great story and imagination.
Cheers Sue
Hi Jeff, I’m reviewing this poem as a fellow contestant on ‘I write.’ I had just sent Richard a review and entered my week five entry when I saw you had snuck in just before me. So Richard has received double reviews! Never mind I’ll review yours as well.
The first stanza elicits a feeling of pride in our industry and increase in wealth for a prosperous country.
The second however tells of the reality. Small companies being swallowed up by huge conglomerates, political parties and politicians with smiling faces, sweet words and promises and yet much stays the same for the masses.
It’s a fact though Jeff, it doesn’t matter which country you’re targeting, it’s the same story.
A well written, thought provoking poem. Thanks for sharing.
Cheers Sue
Well, Richard, you’ve excelled yourself with this account of the Awards. Everyone seemed to have a wonderful time. Lilli is such a great organiser isn’t she? I was so pleased to see Blimprider managed to drop in too, I wished I’d have been there to see his famous Blimp. Anyway I almost felt as if I was there, you painted the picture for me.
I’ll see you around the Dreamweaver Lounge sometime, I’ll fix you a decent drink.
Cheers Sue
I’m reviewing this poem as part of I Write.
I liked the use of the prompt. Starting the poem with, It begins you followed the parameters of the contest.
I loved your idea of coming awake to a brand new day. Dark night gradually changing colours until the bright light of the sun urges the sleeper to grasp the new day. Unknowing of what the day has in store is something we all experience each and every day. The gift of a brand new day.
Thank you so much for sharing.
KingsSideCastle Thanks for taking me on a memory trip back to Bangkok. My husband and I backpacked around Thailand for seven weeks in 2003. What an amazing country it is and the people are so friendly. We saw the temple of which you write. There are so many temples and Buddhas you can get a little overwhelmed.
I didn’t know about the changes of clothing according to the season though, or that the King himself was involved in the changes of attire.
Thank you so much for sharing this memory.
Cheers Sue
KingsSideCastle I’m reviewing this entry as part of ‘I write Decade Edition’
I was intrigued to know a little about what WdC was back in 2007. It certainly sounds as if things have certainly changed around here since then. No Newsfeed! That is such an integral part of the site it’s hard to imagine how information was imparted to the general populace. The idea of a blog receiving on average thousands of views a day is staggering. I know that Kåre Enga in Udon Thani is saddened by the lack of views and comments he receives on his blogs and often speaks of the good old days.
I personally haven’t ventured into the world of interactive stories, however you may inspire me to take a look at what’s out there?
Can I ask what interests you in the interactive rather than writing solo, so to speak?
I certainly will check out this new book whilst I’m involved in the following weeks of this contest.
Cheers Sue
Thanks for sharing this lovely poem.
I love how the words you choose are inclusive of other beliefs at this time.
Everyone celebrates the holiday with their own beliefs, foods and traditions. Each tradition is built on hundreds of years of practice and none is better than another.
You point out that this is a time to reflect on the good and not so good things which have happened over the year. A time to renew, refresh and a chance to do better.
Well done for completing, ‘I write 2021’.
Hi Carly, this seems to be a part of a much longer story. There certainly have been a history between Zayda and Trace we aren’t privy to know in this chapter. I love the way you write the dialogue. It seems to flow naturally. It’s hard to critique a piece out of context, but all I can say is it’s quite intriguing. I gather Zayda is some sort of healer?
Good luck with the rest of the story/ novel?
I hope you can finish I write 2021. It seems everyone has abandoned it and you are so near. I’ll try to get you to the end if you have more pieces to enter.
Cheers Sue
Hi Carly, thanks for sharing the reason you write poetry in such a beautiful way. I loved your choice of words, it was as if each one was chosen carefully and specifically. I specifically enjoyed the first two lines. I think you are trying to explain that as you write poetry you delve deep into your subconscious and history to find events and times to assist you to find the perfect words and phrases called for in a specific poem.
Thank you so much for sharing.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts on why you write poetry, in this piece for the ‘Poet, Know it’ contest.
I particularly enjoyed the first stanza. I believe poets see the world in a slightly different way. Their minds go to a part of the brain which enables them, or maybe impels them, to describe what they see in a poetic fashion.
I myself try to write poetry but I’m not a poet. My efforts need to rhyme, I can’t produce the flowing quality needed for free verse.
The second stanza shows you are aware of the technical side of producing a piece of poetry all of which allude me.
I enjoyed this piece.
Thanks for sharing this poem. It made me shiver just reading it. You fulfilled the brief well including all the required words. I liked the fourth stanza the best. I could sense the father’s fear he may not be able to protect his family throughout these extreme weather conditions. Good job.
This is a sweet poem, recalling the music of childhood, especially at Christmas time.
The music that was played at home at that time of the year was always ‘I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas’ sung by Bing Crosby. Then we’d have a constant playlist of all the old and true Christmas Carols, the same ones that people sing at Carols by Candlelight Celebrations. The pop stars of the day usually bring out a Christmas Album but the old songs still remain a favourite of mine.
Thanks for the trip down memory lane.
Hi Carly, I’m reviewing this piece as part of I Write.
Well I looked at brief for this part of your story. That was to describe the setting, which you certainly did and beautifully so. I felt as I were battling the traffic, crowds and noise alongside your protagonist. I was impressed with the amount of research you undertook to get the reality of the setting. It certainly paid off. The juxtaposition between the busy, frantic city and the calm tranquility of her destination was great.
The importance of nature to Zayda was a constant throughout the piece, the reader could almost feel the anxiety and the growing relief as more and more greenery began to appear.
I loved reading this. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks Carly for sharing this lovely story. The characters are believable and although magic is involved, the subject matter of bullying is so current.
Being able to retaliate with a few spells would be great though.
This stands alone but would certainly could be a chapter in a novel.
The only things I picked up were typos. eg takiing, tired instead of tried, then instead of them.
In the 11 th paragraph you said to amazing instead of too amazing.
Fifth paragraph. I would write: Darla made a point of stumbling into Zayda… not into her, as the last person named in this paragraph was the teacher. It made it sound as if Darla stumbled into the teacher.
You wrote The lingering feeling of dis-ease The word should be unease.
I simply adored this story and in my humble opinion it should have won the September round of Creature Features Contest. I love the language, it played in my ear as a Cornish accent from the world of the Middle Kingdom!
I loved all the names of the characters, the creativeness and the light hearted childlike quality of the story. Thank you so much for sharing.
Cheers Sue
Thanks for entering this contest and for penning your take on the image. You considered the image of the child as an apprentice to the world of witchcraft. The witch hovering over the child is full of malevolence and yet the white clad figure seems so full of innocence.
It makes me feel sad and think of all the children in the world that suffer consequences because of their guardian’s life choices. They’re raised to carry on the family tradition, whether it’s witchcraft or something less controversial.
Thanks for sharing this poem.
Hello and welcome to WdC. I have read your story about Juno and it made me think about dog friends I have lost throughout y life. Yes,I agree with you that they always seem to be with us even though they’re not part of this world anymore.
I myself have kept the toys and collars that have belonged to my lost pets.
This story about how Juno came to waken you to warn you of danger was heartwarming.
The thing I found the most affecting was when the bed depressed as if someone or something was climbing onto the mattress.
Thank you so much for sharing this story. Keep on writing.
Cheers Sue
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