Thanks for sharing this. Very early in the poem, I found myself kind of parallel processing the "clutter" in your poem versus the clutter in my own life.
For me as a reader, I felt a kind of dissonance due to the dramatic change in line length/rhythm between the stanza 1 and stanza 2--yet as I pondered this, I found that in a way this makes me feel "clutter" on a concrete visual level, which complements the content of your poem.
The only thing that I found distracting as a reader were the commas after "It is possible"....I don't think you need them for the lines to work....
This poem is very good. The images paint such a vivid image of your internal world experience with psychosis.
The rhymes feel very integrated into your poem--they really fit, versus some poems where the author appears to make the poem make the rhymes fit.
This poem reminds me of an artist--I think her name was Grandma Leighton--she drew and drew pictures of herself and her experience of deep depression until she found more and more relief in her art. I am also reminded of a young woman in a writer's group whose writing helped her endure a depressive psychosis.
Keep writing...your work is inspiring to others (like this reader)...and my wish for you is that the hope your 'art' of writing gives to fortunate readers like myself will grow in you as you write and write....
The way you juxtapose "germs" with the phrase "dead intimacy" really works well for me as a reader. Brings vivid memories of relationships that were on 'life support.'
The only thing that would make this poem stronger for me as a reader is if all the lines 'stood on their own' pretty much. Lines one and three seem too....Again just an opinion/personal preference as an avid reader/writer of these forms....
As a reader, the title definitely helps orient me in this poem. The scene you describe in this poem is very appealing with the scene seeming somehow 'bigger' than the vehicle of this small poem. The contrast between the first two lines and the last is a subtle shift that works well.
The first line paints a stark picture with the words 'cavernous' and 'horde' being especially vivid images for me as a reader. The way you tell me about line one with line two really works well for me as a reader.
For line three could you consider another image--rather than tell me 'despondency,' can you play around with a word picture that 'shows' me despondency?
I followed the link to your piece after reading your post on the general discussion board.
This is so vivid and full of imagery. For me as a reader and poet, it feels like this very dense deep prose piece is a kind of 'draft' that could give birth to several poems.
As a single mom myself, the metaphors you use resonate with my experiences - and have shown up in my writing, but not with the wonderful depth you bring to the metaphors.
So thankful you are here, and sharing your work. I look forward to reading more....
I like the images in this poem, the way you 'show' the reader what is going on with word pictures.
As a reader, I find myself searching for a rhythm, and feeling a kind of dissonance that I can't find it.....However, the feeling I get works in the sense that as a reader I have an unsettled feeling that may mimic feelings in the chaos of battle.
This definitely makes me think, reading and rereading to get my bearings. For such a dark topic, there is a light humor that comes through your flash fiction.
In the next to last line, did you mean to say 'seen' or did you want the present tense 'see' as a way to add to the puzzling for me as a a reader.
This little story did 'grab' me as a reader, which I find a little surprising as this is not the kind of story I usually read.
I like this. It resonates with my heart and emotions, but puzzles my intellect a bit, in that I can't settle on whether or not this is someone's internal reflection or observation of someone, maybe observation of a very small child trying to walk.
I like the balance you have between 'showing' and 'telling'
The use of 'concrete' shape and form in your poem also works well for me as a reader.
Overall, I feel a kind of peace within the 'arduous task'
Only one word makes me stumble, kind of brings me up short and almost ruptures the peace I feel lulled into as I read this---the word 'eyeball'
I like the idea your poem conveys. The image that stands out most for me as a reader is in the second line--"plant that lifts its limbs" but as I read it I have trouble not condensing the phrase to 'plant lifts its limbs.'
This poem would work better for me if it were in a sense 'denser'---meaning you might think about playing with rephrasing in ways that remove the word "to" with more active picture painting words---for example, your image that I especially love so find myself mentally playing might go something like 'plant lifts its limbs reaching'.....not that that is the best fit for a rewrite, plus another syllable has to be found to complete the line...just an example to try to explain what rolls over in my mind.....a different approach to rewriting might strike you...do work with this though. This poem reminds me of what sculptors say about rock---that they have to chisel until the image that was in the rock all along emerges. This poem feels more than worth the work you have and will put into it.
I really really enjoyed this poem. I think I must have read that quote from Einstein years ago--thank you for reminding me of it.
Your poem really puts the 'flesh' of story on the quote, bringing the point of the quote to life in a poignant way that has less of a gut wrenching punch than if the story had not been in a sort of 'fable' form keeping with the fish/animal metaphor.
In the second stanza, do you mean 'one' rather than 'onne'?
I'm not an expert in meter, but the rhythm hums along nicely for me as a reader, except for the third stanza, especially the last two lines seem like with minor adjustment, they would hum along like the rest of this poem.
Thank you for sharing this. You capture the regrets that are almost always part of loss of someone closely connected to you. Technically I think this poem would be considered a Senyru, rather than a haiku, since is focuses on emotions/experience/relationships directly rather than through nature image used in strict haiku
The poem builds well to the last line.
This small poem is very large for me as a reader--it communicates much, and resonates with my life experiences as a reader, as well as making me feel connected to you as the author with your transparent sharing of your loss.
For me as a reader, this haiku feels like a puzzle of sorts. I almost reviewed this earlier today when I first read it, but was puzzled in a 'scratch my head sort of way.'
While this follows the 5-7-5 format, the way use the concrete form was part of the puzzle at first. As this poem crystalizes for me, the concrete form is like following a path or 'way' in this poem that paints a picture of dusk.
It took a while for this poem to gel me as a reader, but that actually ends up being part of the pleasure of reading this little poem.
I found this poem when I was searching for senyru poems...and this one does read like a senyru in that it is a wonderful word picture of your experience. Your word images are wonderful, The progression of image one, two and three to final line works well for me as a reader.
This poem evokes emotion for me as a reader, brings tears to my eyes.
The balance between showing with word pictures versus your observations works well for me as a reader.
I especially like the repetition of "A candle yields it's final spark unable to hold back the dark" and "pale echoes of duty's last call"
In the 5th stanza, as a reader I found the elipse distracting and as I imagine reading your poem without it, there didn't seem to be anything that having the elipse there added to the poem.
This poem has the feel of flipping through a family photo album with a warm cozy feeling as I read. Actually, given that they all served during war time, I feel a little surprised at how peaceful this poem does feel. I find myself wanting to know more--is there more to the story, in terms of hidden pains, or in terms of an explanation for the settled, peacefulness?
I really enjoyed this story. It has the intensity, build up, and "aha" kind of ending that makes flash fiction so satisfying to me.
Only one thing got in the way for me. I assume that the little girl was either not born or very young when her daddy left. If there is some way to inconspicuously weave the timing of when he left into the story, it would add to the ending for me. Without it, I was pulled out of the emotional impact of the ending of your story, into intellectual pondering about when he left, and wondering if I missed that fact earlier in the story.
Also, in the first paragraph, you "showed" me vibrancy of the little girl after you used the word "vibrant"---As a reader I didn't need you to tell me she's vibrant as you did a good job "showing"
I really enjoyed this...It reads like a poem and a riddle. Definitely makes me think.
Usually, I tend to recommend painting word pictures, and much of the vocabulary in this piece might seem abstract--But the way you put this together paints a mental or thought landscape that leaves me feeling breathless, as if I have climbed the Mount Everest of mentation and can't decide if I gasping with the exertion, or the thin atmosphere or the absolutely breathtaking view!
Thanks for sharing this....Oh, with the line that begins with "Surfacing..." for me as a reader, taking out the word 'just' makes it more powerful.
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