I really enjoyed this. Because I work in mental health, it was difficult not to start trying to diagnose your protagonist. At times I was amazed that he didn't think of other alternatives for why the candy was missing.
My only suggestion is that you read this aloud a few times to check for minor changes that might help the flow of this piece.
This is a wonderful story! I was mesmerized by it and couldn't stop reading it--especially the first 3/4ths of it. The first 3/4ths has a wonderful balance between descriptive characterization(you manage to keep me interested in a lot of very specific detail) and a rivotting plot.
In the last part, where you introduce the character Parlaka, I found I stumbled as a reader. It felt like you told me about her rather than have your protagonist's thoughts paint the vivid word pictures characteristic of most of this peice. I find I need specific examples of the historical conflict that Parlaka is describing. And I definitely need one of the examples to be detalis about the recent events that involve earth climaxing in a surprise re what becomes of the earth, rather than just telling me out of the blue what happens to earth....I think approx the last 1/4th of this(from where parlaka enters) could be developed into a separate part or chapter of your novel. If you develop this part of the story more PLEASE let me know so I can read it.
Thanks for sharing this, and I hope other Writing.com members find this wonderful story!
Oh my! This is really wonderful! And based on this, I look forward to seeing more of your writing...
Here are some of my favorite images from your poem--
Raindrops batter the windscreen,
shatter on impact,
'remember' says my TV screen,
an anonomous voice,
"ten-thousand" lives lost,
ten thousand miles away
I view life through a lense cap,
my life in photographs,
spapshots of fake plastic moments --this passage feels especially fresh and vivid to me as a reader!
Suggestions: In the 7th line, instead of flessless, do you mean 'fleshless?' And in the last line, I think realitys should be possessive.
This one was difficult for me---I stumbled over tears as snowflakes--tears seem to more naturally flow like rivers. Yet the image of tears as snowflakes is very intriquing---you could tell me how tears got to be snowflakes and I wouldnt feel lost as a reader---here is one thought (although I am sure there are many ways to write it--and I am not counting syllables either)
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