|Hi calean :
Stumbled across your story and thought I'd share a thought or two. Magnificent tale but you could improve the way you tell it. I see a lot of potential here.
TECHNICAL MERIT: Some minor problems here but I think you'd catch the punctuation problems if you were to proofread carefully. Also, be careful with your plurals and possessives.
CREATIVITY: Outstanding!! Some striking descriptions.
OVERALL IMPRESSION: As I said previously, I love your story idea... it's the actual writing which needs polishing. With a little bit of tweaking, I think this could be a brilliant piece.
Don't be too wordy. With short stories, every word needs to contribute to the story. For example, how is this as an alternative to your sentence #2... After inhaling deeply and a momentary pause, Sarah exhaled the smoke in ... You've already told us Sarah is smoking. I don't feel you need to be so specific in your description. It's cool if you don't like my words as long as you get the point I'm attempting to make.
I would love to see your language be as creative as your story. You have some great descriptions here and there but between those passages, the words are dull. You start "telling" rather than "showing" the story. "The social service people came and took Jane away two day’s after Ms. Blakely’s phone call, and three weeks after Jane had given her mother the ashtray." I bet you could add some emotion to this sentence.
FAVOURITE PART: "half smoked, home rolled cigarette" This sentence told me a lot about Sarah and set the tone for the story.
Still wondering why only a 3.5? With a little more work, I feel it could be wonderful. I'll confess I'm measuring it against what I think it could be.
If you do any rewriting, I'll love to reread!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
...and good things happen!!
Please come sign my autograph book:
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