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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/sybaritescribe
Review Requests: ON
1,388 Public Reviews Given
Review Style
I tend to cut a wide swath through a review, covering all not only a general overview and characterizations, but also technical areas such as grammar and punctuation. I consider my style to be more in-depth with a good deal of time expenditure on each review. Hence, I tend to give out fewer reviews because of a busy personal schedule.
I'm good at...
Punctuation and grammar.
Favorite Genres
Erotica, Romance, History, and Geneaology
Least Favorite Genres
None really. Though I may not be as comfortable with select genres, such as technical ones (legal, medical, and psychology).
Favorite Item Types
I love essays and biographical/autobiographical items.
I will not review...
I won't say never ... but I seldom review chapters of novels. I personally feel awkward coming into the middle of a novel (say Chapter 4, etc.) and I usually haven't the time to go back and read earlier chapters. Nor do I have time to review multiple chapters.
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review by Jace
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Angelica Weatherby goals on. .

I'm Jace, and I have the honor of reading and reviewing your offering "Small Things Count as a judge for the "Quotation Inspiration Entries. This month's contest is based on the following quote:

If you cannot do great things, do small things in a great way.
-- Napoleon Hill


*Note1*
Overall Impression. I read your story several times, and came to a different conclusion each time. I have to ask--was Erica the 'dark figure?' If so, that's not something I got the first couple times reading it. I think the story needs to be tightened up some.

I'm not sure I understand the reason for the attack on Erica's gift.

*Exclaim*
Technical and Editorial Considerations. In this section I list those areas that relate specifically to the mechanics of your writing--punctuation, grammar, spelling, etc.

         *Bullet* the flow of some sentences seemed awkward to read. For example:

 Chairs were flipped and some tables went missing.
 Chairs were flipped and some tables were missing.

 The police reassured her that they will look into this and try to find the dark figure who did it and what was their reason.  You used both present and past tense in this sentence.


*Star*
My Rating. 3.5

*Heart*
Thank you for sharing this offering. Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion. I wish you good luck with the contest, and with all your writing endeavors.

Reviewed by
JACE

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
2
2
Review by Jace
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi jdennis .

I'm Jace, and I have the honor of reading and reviewing your offering "A Life Fully Lived as a judge for the "Quotation Inspiration Entries. This month's contest is based on the following quote:

If you cannot do great things, do small things in a great way.
-- Napoleon Hill


*Note1*
Overall Impression. I really enjoyed reading your take on this month's contest prompt. Your descriptive prose enhances the storyline.

*Exclaim*
Technical and Editorial Considerations. In this section I list those areas that relate specifically to the mechanics of your writing--punctuation, grammar, spelling, etc.

         *Bullet* Actually, the only negative, and I use that term very loosely, thing I can say is you do not need to capitalize every noun. Specifically, the birds you list--sparrows, swallows and jays do not need to be capitalized as you mention them as a part of many such birds.
 
 

*Star*
My Rating. 4.5

*Heart*
Thank you for sharing this offering. Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion. Good luck with the contest, and in all your writing endeavors.

Reviewed by
JACE

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
3
3
Review of Miss Buckley  
Review by Jace
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi lauraispracticingpiano .

I'm Jace, and I have the honor of reading and reviewing your offering "Miss Buckley as a judge for the "Quotation Inspiration Entries. This month's contest is based on the following quote:

If you cannot do great things, do small things in a great way.
-- Napoleon Hill


*Note1*
Overall Impression. My first thought is get that teacher outa here! That said, I think you caught the essence of the contest prompt with your entry.

We should all remember that being disabled does not mean being helpless. I suppose it's always a question of degrees, and we all would be better off with empathy towards our fellow man. (Getting off the soap box now. *Smile*)

Your character development was spot on, especially their fears, thoughts and beliefs. After all, each of us has our own perceptions of others--right or wrong.

*Exclaim*
Technical and Editorial Considerations. In this section I list those areas that relate specifically to the mechanics of your writing--punctuation, grammar, spelling, etc.

         *Bullet* I found no obvious grammar or spelling issues. Great job.
 
 

*Star*
My Rating. 5.0

*Heart*
Thank you for sharing this offering. Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion. Best of luck in the contest and with all your writing endeavors.

Reviewed by
JACE

Logo for Senior Moderators - small



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
4
4
Review of A Long Walk  
Review by Jace
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi debmiller1 .

I'm Jace, and I have the honor of reading and reviewing your offering "A Long Walk as a judge for the "Quotation Inspiration Entries. This month's contest is based on the following quote:

If you cannot do great things, do small things in a great way.
-- Napoleon Hill


*Note1*
Overall Impression. Thank you for your entry in the Quotation contest. I believe you captured the essence of the prompt, at least on the surface.

I would have liked for you to develop your characterization of Maria a bit more. You had the space available. I think this would help your reader to identify more with Ms. Santiago, and to learn what small things to which she advocated were worth her great trip.

*Exclaim*
Technical and Editorial Considerations. In this section I list those areas that relate specifically to the mechanics of your writing--punctuation, grammar, spelling, etc.

         *Bullet* I didn't see any obvious grammatical or spelling issues. Good job.
 
 

*Star*
My Rating. 4.0

*Heart*
Thank you for sharing this offering. Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion. Best of luck with the contest, and in all your writing endeavors.

Reviewed by
JACE

Logo for Senior Moderators - small



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
5
5
Review of Elena  
Review by Jace
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi K.HBey .

I'm Jace, and I have the honor of reading and reviewing your offering "Elena as a judge for the "Quotation Inspiration Entries. This month's contest is based on the following quote:

If you cannot do great things, do small things in a great way.
-- Napoleon Hill


*Note1*
Overall Impression. Thanks for entering this month's official contest.

While I enjoyed reading your entry, I have to say I felt it to be a bit stilted. What I mean is Elena's characteristics were stated more like bullets rather than developing them as part of the story. For example, you might say:

Elena, though born in Romania, became a US citizen after emigrating to the US with her parents as a child. Growing up, she developed two talents: figure skating and clothes designer. She was the perfect size for skating, just over a meter and a half tall capped with fiery red hair.

And so on. Your reader would welcome a more conversational approach when setting background.

*Exclaim*
Technical and Editorial Considerations. In this section I list those areas that relate specifically to the mechanics of your writing--punctuation, grammar, spelling, etc.

         *Bullet* Separate paragraphs should be used for each person's dialogue. Also, you do not need quotation marks around each sentence in the same paragraph. For example:
 Her coach Valery asked her: "what's the mater with you?" "You are doing a great job". "But you seem anxious". "Is there any trouble Elena?"
 It should be: Her coach Valery asked her: "What's the matter with you? You are doing a great job. But you seem anxious. Is there any trouble, Elena?"

*Star*
My Rating. 3.5 .  I believe your story has a lot of potential. Read it out loud--you'll hear the areas that need tightening or re-working before you'll see them if you only read it.

*Heart*
Thank you for sharing this offering. Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion. Good luck in the contest, and with all your writing endeavors.

Reviewed by
JACE

Logo for Senior Moderators - small



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
6
6
Review by Jace
In affiliation with Noticing Newbies Committee  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hi Rduane Assink .

I'm Jace, and I have the honor of reading and reviewing your offering "From Small Beginnings as a judge for the "Quotation Inspiration Entries. This month's contest is based on the following quote:

If you cannot do great things, do small things in a great way.
-- Napoleon Hill


*Note1*
Overall Impression. My apologies for failing to see the connection between your story and the prompt. Your story, while well-written by itself, doesn't fit the contest's prompt, in my opinion.

I changed your content rating to 13+ due to the violence contained in your story. The E rating must contain NO violence of any sort. That said, I have to wonder about dropping an item like that from a third story without more serious complications.

*Exclaim*
Technical and Editorial Considerations. In this section I list those areas that relate specifically to the mechanics of your writing--punctuation, grammar, spelling, etc.

         *Bullet* I noted no obvious grammar or spelling errors.
 
 

*Star*
My Rating. 3.0

*Heart*
Thank you for sharing this offering. Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion. Best of luck with the contest, and in all your writing endeavors.

Reviewed by
JACE

Logo for Senior Moderators - small



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
7
7
Review by Jace
In affiliation with Noticing Newbies Committee  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi blueflowers777 .

I'm Jace, and I have the honor of reading and reviewing your offering "Judy Does Small Things as a judge for the "Quotation Inspiration Entries. This month's contest is based on the following quote:

If you cannot do great things, do small things in a great way.
-- Napoleon Hill


*Note1*
Overall Impression. I enjoyed reading your story, and feel it captured the essence of the contest prompt well. Young Judy is a well-adjusted, well meaning young lady who enjoys helping out when she can.

While I understand that all the dialogue is not indented, it's a bit distracting to me as a reader to have some paragraphs indented and some not.

*Exclaim*
Technical and Editorial Considerations. In this section I list those areas that relate specifically to the mechanics of your writing--punctuation, grammar, spelling, etc.

         *Bullet* It's a small thing, but capitalizing Mother signifies she is THE Mother; that is the main or only one.
 Judy's Mother should be ...
 Judy's mother.

         *Bullet* I saw no obvious mispellings or grammatical errors. Good job.
   

*Star*
My Rating. 4.0

*Heart*
Thank you for sharing this offering. Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion. Good luck in the contest, and with all your writing endeavors.

Reviewed by
JACE

Logo for Senior Moderators - small



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
8
8
Review of Little Things  
Review by Jace
In affiliation with Noticing Newbies Committee  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Linn Browning .

I'm Jace, and I have the honor of reading and reviewing your offering "Little Things as a judge for the "Quotation Inspiration Entries. This month's contest is based on the following quote:

If you cannot do great things, do small things in a great way.
-- Napoleon Hill


*Note1*
Overall Impression. Your story was a joy to read. I could almost imagine this to be a true story written by a dad about his daughter. The fact is, I have three daughters each of whom have similar experiences in their past.

Well written, with the use of dialogue to move your story along. I think it fits the prompt well.

*Exclaim*
Technical and Editorial Considerations. In this section I list those areas that relate specifically to the mechanics of your writing--punctuation, grammar, spelling, etc.

         *Bullet* Very tight. The only issue I found is with the following paragraph.
 “Blanket,” he sighed. “Sunblock. And then I’ll help you make some building plans, alright?” Sniffling, Peg stumbled away from her ruined castle and climbed the dune to where her mother was sitting sensibly under a massive beach umbrella and reading a paperback book.
 Separate the part about Peg from the dialogue of the father. They are two separate thoughts.


*Star*
My Rating. 4.5

*Heart*
Thank you for sharing this offering. Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion. Best of luck with the contest, and in all your writing endeavors.

Reviewed by
JACE

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
9
9
Review of the cold 1  
Review by Jace
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi Justin .

I'm Jace , and I have the honor of reading and reviewing your offering "the cold 1. I invite your attention to the comments below. Please bear in mind these notes are from one on the outside looking in; ultimately only you can decide what's right for your story.

This offering was selected by the Random Review generator.

*Note1*
Overall Impression. First, let me welcome you to Writing.Com. I'm sure you noticed a lot of activity on site this week--it's WDC's 18th Anniversary. I hope you take advantage of the festivities while learning about the site.

That said, I selected your offering in hopes of imparting some ideas that you can use while posting other stories here. In truth, presentation counts for a lot when posting work for other members to read and hopefully, to review. WDC is a peer to peer writing site, and as such, it's members helping other members to improve by reviewing and interaction.

You want to encourage members to read and review your work by presenting your work in an inviting manner. For example, make your work larger to read. Normally I wouldn't read anything this small (yes, I am older and it's harder to read small type). But I couldn't resist the teaching opportunity.

Also, white space is very important for reading written words on a computer screen. Add a blank line between each paragraph. Trust me, it will be a very easy way to enhance your offering.

You can have the best story ever ... but what is the point if it never gets read or reviewed.

Enough on that. I did find your story enticing. I do wonder where it will lead. It seems to me that you begin your story with a little history, which abruptly stops. Then you go into an incident in recent times. I have the feeling that there's a connection ... or ultimately will be. But I don't feel like I got enough initially to establish the basis for more to come. I think you need a little more up front to maintain your reader's interest.

*Exclaim*
Technical and Editorial Considerations. In this section I normally list those areas that relate specifically to the mechanics of your writing--punctuation, grammar, spelling, etc.

         *Bullet* I've already talked about font size and white space.
   

         *Bullet* Dialogue needs to stand alone. I mean the dialogue of each person should have it's own paragraph.
   

         *Bullet* Finally, consider changing your Intro Rating to E. There's nothing in your intro that is Non-E, and this rating will limit those who can see your offering.
   

*Star*
My Rating. 3.5 .  I tend toward WDC's reviewing convention that a 3.0 rating is average and a 5.0 is truly exceptional, needing no improvement. My rating should tell you that your offering is slightly above average (in content), but needs more work setting the stage and fixing technical problems.

*Heart*
Thank you for sharing this offering. Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion.


Reviewed by
JACE

Logo for Senior Moderators - small

*Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B* *BalloonR*A Knock it Out Reviewing Activity for a Cause- in celebration of WDC 18th Anniversary *BalloonR* *Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
10
10
Review by Jace
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Endless Love .

I'm Jace , and I have the honor of reading and reviewing your offering "Not the Usual Suspect. I invite your attention to the comments below. Please bear in mind these notes are from one on the outside looking in; ultimately only you can decide what's right for your story.

This offering was selected by the Random Review generator.

*Note1*
Overall Impression. Ouch! I cringe when someone gets caught in a lie ... or otherwise compromising position.

Well done with your efforts. Changing the female character to someone who doesn't conform to what is often considered beautiful, trim and stacked (I'm not trying to be sexist here), tends to throw off the reader about a clandestine relationship.

And I love your last line.

*Exclaim*
Technical and Editorial Considerations. In this section I normally list those areas that relate specifically to the mechanics of your writing--punctuation, grammar, spelling, etc.

         *Bullet* Keep the tenses consistent:
 We are accustomed to keeping the freezer  Should be were to match the rest of the paragraph.

         *Bullet* A slight punctuation problem:
  "Is that you, Bill?" A gravelly female voice called from the kitchen.  This should be all one sentence: "Is that you, Bill?" a gravelly female voice called from the kitchen.

         *Bullet* Watch out for changing tenses within a sentence:
  I ran a brush through my hair and practiced my happy smile in the mirror because I truly dislike red carnations.  Should be disliked.

*Star*
My Rating. 4.5 .  I tend to follow WDC's reviewing convention of 3.0 for an average review and 5.0 for the exceptional one. My rating says your offering is well above average, but with a few grammatical points that should be addressed.

*Heart*
Thank you for sharing this offering. Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion.


Reviewed by
JACE

Logo for Senior Moderators - small

*Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B* *BalloonR*A Knock it Out Reviewing Activity for a Cause- in celebration of WDC 18th Anniversary *BalloonR* *Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
11
11
Review by Jace
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Dominique .

I'm Jace , and I have the honor of reading and reviewing your offering ""Sleepover" 8/31 Flash Fiction Challenge. I invite your attention to the comments below. Please bear in mind these notes are from one on the outside looking in; ultimately only you can decide what's right for your story.

This offering was selected by the Random Review generator.

*Note1*
Overall Impression. First, a welcome to you for joining Writing.Com recently. You're just in time for the 18th Anniversary festivities. And from your entry here, I'm glad to see you've found a contest. I could check ... but I'll just say I hope you did well.

I love these kind of challenges in which you have to write a complete story in a very few words. I don't think folks realize how difficult that can be. I applaud your efforts. And though I didn't see a name for your heroine, I do like her values. I've always rooted for the underdog. I think your heroine doesn't feel the best about herself, but she does think about how other (picked on) people feel.

*Exclaim*
Technical and Editorial Considerations. In this section I normally list those areas that relate specifically to the mechanics of your writing--punctuation, grammar, spelling, etc.

         *Bullet* I noticed a couple typos:
                   
 Amanda jokes in a thick accident.  Accident should be accent.

                   
 You sound Asain.  Asain should be Asian, I believe.

         *Bullet* Be careful about overusing descriptive declaratives, such as delares, exclaims, raves and the like. I know you have to keep your word count low, but show via actions the emotions of your characters.
   

*Star*
My Rating. 4.0 .  Conventional WDC reviewing protocol says a 3.0 rating is average and a 5.0 is exceptional. My rating of 4.0 should tell you that I consider your offering above average and needs a little work to be exceptional.

*Heart*
Thank you for sharing this offering. Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion.


Reviewed by
JACE

Logo for Senior Moderators - small

*Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B* *BalloonR*A Knock it Out Reviewing Activity for a Cause- in celebration of WDC 18th Anniversary *BalloonR* *Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
12
12
Review of The Boogeyman  
Review by Jace
In affiliation with  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi C. Yarn Weaver .

I'm Jace , and I have the honor of reading and reviewing your offering "The Boogeyman. I invite your attention to the comments below. Please bear in mind these notes are from one on the outside looking in; ultimately only you can decide what's right for your poem.

This offering was selected by the Random Review generator.

*Note1*
Overall Impression. Allow me to welcome you to Writing.Com. I see you joined on Sep 1, which coincides with WDC's 18th Anniversary. I hope you take time while learning about the site to take part in some of the festivities. And if you have any questions, please feel free to email me. Or you can post questions in one of many help forums. Enough of the commercial *Wink*

I love stylized poetry--that's poems which have a particular form to it. I have a hard time with free verse poetry. I love your Nonet offering. Somewhere in my Port I have a Nonet poem. And I believe such poems are not as easy as they seem. I applaud your efforts.

I wonder who is more scared--dad telling his son about the Boogeyman, or son hearing about what to look for.

*Exclaim*
Technical and Editorial Considerations. In this section I normally list those areas that relate specifically to the mechanics of your writing--punctuation, grammar, spelling, etc.

         *Bullet* Just one thing here.
 ... a zombies hand shake.  I believe it should be possessive: a zombie's hand shake.

*Thumbsup*
Favorite Part. Your last line ... a command!

 Look.

*Star* My Rating. 4.5 .  I tend to follow WDC's reviewing convention that a 3.0 rating is average and 5.0 is exceptional. I thought your offering was almost exceptional--hence the 4.5.

*Heart*
Thank you for sharing this offering. Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion.


Reviewed by
JACE

Logo for Senior Moderators - small

*Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B* *BalloonR*A Knock it Out Reviewing Activity for a Cause- in celebration of WDC 18th Anniversary *BalloonR* *Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
13
13
Review of RUNNING SCARED  
Review by Jace
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi peter c .

I'm Jace , and I have the honor of reading and reviewing your offering "RUNNING SCARED. I invite your attention to the comments below. Please bear in mind these notes are from one on the outside looking in; ultimately only you can decide what's right for your story.

This offering was selected by the Random Review generator.

*Note1*
Overall Impression. First, let me welcome you to Writing.Com. You picked a great day to join--the 18th Anniversary of a fabulous writing site. I hope it becomes everything you desire in a writing site.

I visited your Portfolio and discovered you've been divorced for 13 years. Of course, I wonder if this poem is about the feelings generated by your divorce. I was divorced six years ago and I still feel a little saddened and lost about the changes.

I see you placed your entire poem in CAPS. Did you mean to "shout" your anguish to the world? I also noted no set meter nor rhyme. I'm not saying that's wrong, but for myself, I have a hard time with free verse offerings. Still, I chose your poem because of similar feelings over my divorce. I can only hope you have healed over time.

*Exclaim*
Technical and Editorial Considerations. In this section I normally list those areas that relate specifically to the mechanics of your writing--punctuation, grammar, spelling, etc.

         *Bullet* IT WAS SO LONG A GO.
 A GO  should be one word--AGO.

         *Bullet* Both lines: ECHOING TO YOU, IT’S OVER and WHAT CAN I DO, BUT CRY.
 The comma in both lines signify a follow-on phrase that can stand alone. I believe the comma in each line should be deleted as each following phrase is integral to those lines.  

*Star*
My Rating. 4.0 .  I tend to follow WDC's reviewing convention that a 3.0 rating is average. Thus, my 4.0 rating is above average, but not exceptional (5.0).

*Heart*
Thank you for sharing this offering. Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion.


Reviewed by
JACE

Logo for Senior Moderators - small

*Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B* *BalloonR*A Knock it Out Reviewing Activity for a Cause- in celebration of WDC 18th Anniversary *BalloonR* *Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B*



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
14
14
Review by Jace
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*Candlev*


Hi Jellyfish~Locked Down! .

I'm Jace , and I have the honor of reading and reviewing your offering "A Backstage Affair in honor of your WDC anniversary. I invite your attention to the comments below. Please bear in mind these notes are from one on the outside looking in; ultimately only you can decide what's right for your story.

*Note1*
Overall Impression. I quite enjoyed your story. I have been in place of Cleo and can well imagine how she feels. I think you captured her feelings well as she verbally jousted with Santi.

Your writing style is enjoyable to read. But I think your story will benefit from reading it out loud and making note of those areas that need to be tweaked. It's hard to explain, but you'll hear a problem before you'll see it. I do this with my stories, and I catch a lot of miscues. *Wink*

*Exclaim*
Technical and Editorial Considerations. In this section I normally list those areas that relate specifically to the mechanics of your writing--punctuation, grammar, spelling, etc.

         *Bullet* A few wordsmith moments. I thought the following examples with your dialogue of verse seemed stilted or weak. My suggestions follow.

  “But I am sure he’s great every night.”
  “But he’s great every night.”

 Both lead roles,  With lead roles,

 ... entering with a fake courtesy.  ... entering with a exaggerated courtesy.

  “Come on, it must be nice to be this popular.”   “Come on, it's nice to be this popular.”

         *Bullet* A run on sentence? I think so. *Smile*
  I could match him, drink for drink and I always liked those nights, after almost everyone else had gone and it was just the two of us, the edges of the world softened by the alcohol and I had an excuse to look at him.   I could match him, drink for drink. I always liked those nights after almost everyone else had gone and it was just the two of us. With the edges of the world softened by the alcohol, I had an excuse to look at him.

*Thumbsup*
Favorite Part. I loved the ending. You stopped perfectly. I mean I like that you leave the reader with his or her anticipation of what may come.

*Star*
My Rating. 4.0 .  Tighten up your writing. There are a few other spots that might be tweaked than the examples I provided.

*Heart*
Thank you for sharing this offering, and I look forward to seeing you around in the coming year. Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion.

Reviewed by
JACE

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15
15
Review of First Date  
Review by Jace
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hi TJ Marie .

I'm Jace , and I have the honor of reading and reviewing your offering "First Date. This serves as an official review on behalf of the contest, "I Write Romantic in Winter. I invite your attention to the comments below. Please bear in mind these notes are from one on the outside looking in; ultimately only you can decide what's right for your story.

*Note1*
Overall Impression. A good start, thought it seemed somewhat stilted to me. It's okay to use contractions in a story, especially when a character is speaking. That's how folks really talk. You want to make things as natural as possible.

Since this story was written for the "Breakthrough! contest, and the first (shorter) phase is more likely setting the stage for subsequent phases, I would have enjoyed a more detailed description of your character, Sandra. I don't mean listing a series of individual characteristics of her looks, though I would like a little more to allow me to identify more with Sandra. After all, I suspect readers will see more of her in future phases. "Ginger hair" and "heart-shaped face" is all I have to place her in my mind.

While I know many questions will be answered in subsequent phases, I would like to know how the date came to be. I believe leaving too much to one's imagination runs the risk of losing your reader. You want to draw your reader in with the mystery, not leave him with so many questions that he leaves unfulfilled. And that's a fine line to walk when having to be stingy with your word count. Still, you had another 60 plus words available.

One more thought: read your story out loud. You'll hear problems much easier than seeing them in written form. That's because we tend to see what we want to see, especially after we've become invested in what we've written. And reading out loud forces us to read each and every word.

*Exclaim*
 Technical Presentation. In this section I list those areas that relate specifically to the mechanics of your writing--punctuation, grammar, spelling, etc.

         *Bullet* The biggest issue I found in your writing was the overuse of commas. They are used mainly for separating parts of a sentence such as clauses, and items in lists, particularly when there are three or more items listed. It is also used to indicate a necessary pause. For example:
 Looking, in her walk in closet at all the clothes she owns....
 Looking in her walk-in closet at all the clothes she owns....

 She literally, just finished getting ready and the doorbell rings.  She just finishes getting ready and the doorbell rings. [Also watch out for changing tenses in the same sentence.]

A case of needing a comma.
 Racing upstairs to try on the new outfit; she is amazed that he knew her size perfectly.  Racing upstairs to try on the new outfit, she is amazed that he knew her size perfectly.

         *Bullet* Watch out for sentence fragments. They distract the reader taking him out of the flow of the story.
 Tips his hat and walks away at a brisk pace.  Tipping his hat, he walks away at a brisk pace.

 The face meeting hers with short blond hair and sapphire-blue eyes.  The face meeting hers has short blond hair and sapphire-blue eyes.

*Star*
My Rating. 3.0 .  On the whole, you have a good start. I do look forward to reading more of Sandra's adventures. Thank you for posting this offering.

*Heart*
Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion.

Reviewed by
JACE

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.


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16
16
Review by Jace
In affiliation with Noticing Newbies Committee  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *BalloonR*


Hi MichelleP .

I'm Jace , and I have the honor of reading and reviewing your offering "Free to a Good Home. I invite your attention to the comments below. Please bear in mind these notes are from one on the outside looking in; ultimately only you can decide what's right for your story.

*Note1*
Overall Impression. I found this to be a sad and poignant story, yet a bit confusing as your title led me to expect something very different. Failing to meet one's expectations as a reviewer is not necessarily bad. However, in my opinion a good title will support your story, even to the point of some mis-direction. Your title didn't just mis-direct me--it started me down a path from which I couldn't easily adjust to meet your final conclusion. Your item description also fell short of its mark as it fulfilled neither of its objects.

Aside from these points, I really enjoyed your descriptive perspective of your canine hero. You have a great turn of the phrase throughout your offering. I especially enjoyed your line Her words floated away, no feeling to anchor them. I suspect we all want to hear words of encouragement that so often are never delivered or fall short of their mark. This is something I believe each of us has experienced.

Consider changing your Intro Rating to E. There is nothing in your Title of Item Description that necessitates a Non-E rating. This rating would only serve to limit where you can list this offering for review.

*Exclaim*
Technical and Editorial Considerations. In this section I normally list those areas that relate specifically to the mechanics of your writing--punctuation, grammar, spelling, etc. You have a couple lines that could be made stronger with some slight adjustment. For example:

         *Bullet* You wrote: The cage wrapped its arms around me in triumph as I peered out desperately. Suggestion:
 The cage wrapped its arms around me in triumph as I peered out desperate to slip its embrace.
 The suggestion also negates your adverb "desperately," on which some circles frown. *Wink*

         *Bullet* You wrote: Her skirt fell out from her waist and swished as she twisted and rose, her heels clip clop click on the cement floor. Suggestion:
 Her skirt rustled as she twisted and rose, moving away from me, her heels clicking on the cement floor.  I found "Her skirt fell out..." to be a mite awkward to read, and more so to say out loud. I often read a piece aloud which emphasizes an awkward turn of phrase.

         *Bullet* You wrote: As the door began to open, a voice boomed from above. Suggestion:
 The door above opened and a voice boomed,  Keep it simple and active. The door opened versus the door began to open.

*Star*
My Rating. 4.0 .  In my opinion, you should come up with a different title and item description. Both serve to set the stage for your story. Be a bit more subtle in how you try to throw your reader off track.

*Heart*
Thank you for sharing this offering. Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion.


Reviewed by
JACE

noticing newbies committee sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
17
17
Review by Jace
In affiliation with Noticing Newbies Committee  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *BalloonR*


Hi Duane Engelhardt .

I'm Jace , and I have the honor of reading and reviewing your offering "I'm not supposed to talk to you. I invite your attention to the comments below. Please bear in mind these notes are from one on the outside looking in; ultimately only you can decide what's right for your story.

*Note1*
Overall Impression. Short, sweet and sassy. How quickly we're seduced to the "dark side."

Seriously, I liked it. I can easily see this conversation happening in a detention room. I wonder if you might have been present and overheard such a conversation. Or perhaps, you were one of the conspirators.

I thought your dialogue was well written. It moved along and kept my interest. In any case, well done on the whole.

*Exclaim*
Technical and Editorial Considerations. In this section I normally list those areas that relate specifically to the mechanics of your writing--punctuation, grammar, spelling, etc.

         *Bullet* My only complaint is one you'll hear from most reviewers. Double-space all your paragraphs. Reading on a screen or monitor is not the same as reading a book. The eye needs the additional white space to keep reading from becoming tiresome. You can easily check the Double Space Paragraphs box in the Edit window.
 
 

*Star*
My Rating. 4.5

*Heart*
Thank you for sharing this offering. Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion.


Reviewed by
JACE

noticing newbies committee sig



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
18
18
Review of Crazy 7  
Review by Jace
In affiliation with Noticing Newbies Committee  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *BalloonR*


Hi katya .

I'm Jace , and I have the honor of reading and reviewing your offering "Crazy 7. I invite your attention to the comments below. Please bear in mind these notes are from one on the outside looking in; ultimately only you can decide what's right for your story.

*Note1*
Overall Impression. First, welcome to Writing.Com, and congratulations on successfully posting your story on site. I remember well the first time I posted--I was a wreck not knowing if I did it right, or how it would be received.

I chose this story because of your first paragraph. My day was in the military and we moved ... a lot! I started in a lot of new schools over the years, even spending the 3rd grade in three different states. I remember very well how I felt. You brought back some intense emotions as I read your account. *Thumbsup*

Your title is okay, but could be better. I would suggest you change the 7 to 7th, to better reflect the essence of your story. Your Intro, on the other hand, is pretty weak. If you want to entice folks to read your tale, draw them in with something a bit more provocative. "Writing assignment" may have been what this was, but this is your chance to advertise your story to the readers. You have up to 90 characters to state your case, so to speak. Perhaps something like: "Seventh grade isn't so bad. Or is it?"

You have a great narrative here. And that's what your story is--a narrative. You're reciting every thought and memory of your first day. It's important to get all the facts necessary to get your story across. But, you don't have to add in every single point you remember. Readers like to feel as if they are part of your story, and if you tell them every emotion and thought you had, they don't get to make that connection.

It's a very hard thing to decide what to keep and what to discard. Ask yourself, is this thought required to move my story along? Or, should I let the reader imagine what this aspect is like? You don't need to detail every second of your day to make a great story memoir of this important day. Let your reader's imagination fill in some blanks. Hit the high points.

I know that's pretty vague ... and only you can write what you want to convey. Practice will make this perfect.

I'm glad you had a wonderful first day. Some of mine were great, and some were not. But such is life, right? *Wink*

*Exclaim*
Technical and Editorial Considerations. In this section I normally list those areas that relate specifically to the mechanics of your writing--punctuation, grammar, spelling, etc.

         *Bullet* a wordsmith moment. I know this story is told from the first person point of view. You use 'I' a lot! Consider changing how you begin your sentences using a more active approach, and you'll have a stronger story. For example, you wrote:

 I got myself moving to get my new schedule for classes and when I heard the bell I knew it was the beginning of school.  I found my class schedule. The bell signaled the beginning of school.

  I had to ask a teacher to find Mrs. Chapman, and I found out she was at the end of the hall, straight ahead from my locker.   I had to ask a teacher to find Mrs. Chapman. Her classroom was at the end of the hall, right in front of my locker.

Sometimes shorter sentences are easier to write, and to read. *Smile*

         *Bullet* Try reading your story out loud. You might be surprised at what you'll hear while you read that you wouldn't see reading quietly. I thinks that's because you know what you wrote and your eye will see what your mind wants it to see. Reading aloud forces you to read each and every word, even parts that aren't quite correct.


*Star* My Rating. 3.5 .  An above average offering that needs a little re-working to make this shine. Best of luck with all your writing endeavors.

*Heart*
Thank you for sharing this offering. Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion.


Reviewed by
JACE

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
19
19
Review by Jace
In affiliation with Noticing Newbies Committee  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *BalloonR*


Hi WriterInTheShadows .

I'm Jace , and I have the honor of reading and reviewing your offering "Ballad of a Warrior. I invite your attention to the comments below. Please bear in mind these notes are from one on the outside looking in; ultimately only you can decide what's right for your poem.

*Note1*
Overall Impression. I absolutely love story poems. The title was perfect for your offering. Each of us could learn much from this sparrow's attitude.

Though I guess ballads do not always have happy endings, I found myself wishing to know that the little sparrow's actions achieved results commensurate with his sacrifice.

I also liked the added poetic benefit of the first and last sentence rhymes in each interior stanza. I did wonder why you didn't include this aspect in the first and final stanza.

I changed the content rating of your poem to ASR. You should receive an email explaining the reason for this change. Please understand this is not a slight against you as a writer or person; Moderators are obliged to adjust ratings when they come across such instances to adhere to published WDC standards.

*Exclaim*
Technical and Editorial Considerations. In this section I normally list those areas that relate specifically to the mechanics of your writing--punctuation, grammar, spelling, etc.

         *Bullet* I think since the phrase set apart by the commas is essential and there isn't a need for a pause, you should remove the first comma after year.
 One year, as Summer changed to Fall,
 

         *Bullet* I noted no other punctuation or grammar problems in the your poem. *Smile*
   

*Star*
My Rating. 4.5 .  Great job.

*Heart*
Thank you for sharing this offering. Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion.


Reviewed by
JACE

noticing newbies committee sig



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
20
20
Review by Jace
In affiliation with Noticing Newbies Committee  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *BalloonR*


Hi amaziah5 .

I'm Jace , and I have the honor of reading and reviewing your offering "Meeting 'That Guy'. I invite your attention to the comments below. Please bear in mind these notes are from one on the outside looking in; ultimately only you can decide what's right for your story.

*Note1*
Overall Impression. I began reading your story and noted a few similarities to my life's situation. I was divorced last year after 33 years of marriage. Oh, we both knew it had been coming for some time so that was a bit different. But I never really thought it would actually happen until it did. Then, I found someone else rather quickly as you did.

As I read further, I became a little confused. May I paraphrase to see if I understood your story correctly: You split with your husband, found someone new, fell in love anew, then grew apart finally splitting up with him. From here I'm unclear as to your current status. The second relationship was over yet you continue to talk daily?

I totally understand remaining amiable--my ex-wife and I remain on great terms--but I think the way you presented that fact is not clear, at least to me as your reader. A few questions come to my mind. Did the "handsome devil" show you a love you wanted, or just identify something that you ultimately wanted? Are you still looking for that ultimate love?

I agree that he probably helped distract you from your initial breakup. And I hope you find what you're looking for.

*Exclaim*
Technical and Editorial Considerations. In this section I normally list those areas that relate specifically to the mechanics of your writing--punctuation, grammar, spelling, etc.

         *Bullet* I didn't notice any typos or grammar errors. *Thumbsup*

*Star*
My Rating. 4.0
.  I hope that I haven't been too muddled in trying to understand your journey here. I wish you the very best.

*Heart*
Thank you for sharing this offering. Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion.


Reviewed by
JACE

noticing newbies committee sig



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
21
21
Review by Jace
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hi druid .

I'm Jace , and I have the honor of reading and reviewing your offering "The Long Wait, Part 1. I invite your attention to the comments below. Please bear in mind these notes are from one on the outside looking in; ultimately only you can decide what's right for your story.

*Note1*
Overall Impression. Having entertained an internet relationship in the past, I could feel some of those old emotions return while reading your story.

My first thought after reading was how clinical the story sounded. I know you're writing this from Ru's point of view, but you use a lot of "I's" in defining his emotions. I found myself hurrying through the story, skipping parts. I needed more 'meat' to maintain my interest.

For example, you could easily add some background about how they met. What brought them together; where are they from; and things like this. With all the conversations they must have had over time--how long was the initial relationship--you should be able to fill in these spots.

Read your story out loud. You will hear problems much more readily than reading them, especially when you're the person who wrote the story. You know how you intend it to be, and you will 'see' things the way you want them to be, not necessarily how they should be. Sentence fragments have their place when not overused. And punctuation must still be used properly. For example you wrote:
  Friends, family. An occasional fling, nothing that lasted. Try:   Friends, family, co-workers. An occasional fling; nothing that lasted.

Finally, watch your tenses. Don't change in the middle of a sentence. For example you wrote:
  It's been almost 10 years since that day and I never forgot you or what you mean to me. Try:   Almost ten years have passed since that day, and I've never forgotten what you mean to me.

*Exclaim*
Technical and Editorial Considerations. In this section I normally list those areas that relate specifically to the mechanics of your writing--punctuation, grammar, spelling, etc.

         *Bullet* Watch out for run-on sentences.
 Late nights talking via Skype, you speaking discreetly in hushed tones, me staying up late night after night, paying for it at work the next day, my performance falling way below what I'm capable of, and for the first time in my working life, not caring.  We'd talk via Skype far into the night. You would speak discreetly in hushed tones; I'd stay up late night after night, paying for it at work the next day. My performance fell way below my capabilities. For the first time in my working life, I didn't care.

         *Bullet* I believe you enabled Double Space Paragraphs as there is an extra line between each paragraph. This is easily corrected in the Edit Window.

*Star*
My Rating. 3.5 .  Right now, I believe your offering is just above average. Read it critically for punctuation and grammar, and mark up the interest with some background, and you'll have a solid offering.

*Heart*
Thank you for sharing this offering. Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion.


Reviewed by
JACE

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
22
22
Review by Jace
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi ₩eb₩i₸ch .

I'm Jace , and I have the honor of reading and reviewing your offering "The Not So Calm Before the Storm. I invite your attention to the comments below. Please bear in mind these notes are from one on the outside looking in; ultimately only you can decide what's right for your story.

This offering was selected by the Random Review generator.

*Note1*
Overall Impression. I'd gone through a number of possibilities to review when I happened on your offering. To be honest, the picture drew me in.

The description of your 'bunch' in the second paragraph left me a bit puzzled. If I read it correctly (according to the punctuation) your bunch was two people plus the guide. This seemed an odd term to use for a bunch. It became obvious that other persons were present. Either rewording the paragraph or changing the punctuation is in order.

I also didn't quite understand why they were upset with the guide who had to absorb a number of indignities ... at least until several paragraphs later. I understand about revealing some things in due time, but I wondered why keep this secret.

Finally, I tried to picture Mr. Twitch having a bleeding wound on the back of his head while his fedora was apparently still in place on his head. (Of course, it's been a long day for me and my mind may just be too tired to be reading presently. *Rolleyes*)

*Exclaim*
Technical and Editorial Considerations. In this section I normally list those areas that relate specifically to the mechanics of your writing--punctuation, grammar, spelling, etc.

         *Bullet* I saw only one technical aspect that might be addressed--your paragraph spacing seems to be double the normal spacing. A very easy fix.

*Star*
My Rating. 4.5 .  I loved the title--it fit your tale purr-fectly. *Bigsmile*

*Heart*
Thank you for sharing this offering. Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion.


Reviewed by
JACE

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
23
23
Review by Jace
Rated: E | (4.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *BalloonR*


Hi 50's Child .

I'm Jace , and I have the honor of reading and reviewing your offering "Everyone has a story . I invite your attention to the comments below. Please bear in mind these notes are from one on the outside looking in; ultimately only you can decide what's right for your story.

*Note1*
Overall Impression. Amen to your sentiments. I just turned 59, and have been the oldest in my family since my dad passed three years ago. I have long been interested in my family's genealogy, but seldom had the opportunity to really interview my dad before he passed.

I fear many photos I have will not be adequately explained. But moving forward for my children is my best option for posterity. Writing my own past down solves two things--my love for writing, and giving my kids something that will outlast me. *Smile*

Goof for you for thinking about the future.

*Exclaim*
Technical and Editorial Considerations. In this section I normally list those areas that relate specifically to the mechanics of your writing--punctuation, grammar, spelling, etc.

         *Bullet* I know this is a short offering, but I think it could be expanded into a couple paragraphs that would be much easier for readers to digest. You have some great points to make. Anything you can do to facilitate your reader's enjoyment and understanding is a good thing.

*Star*
My Rating. 4.5


*Heart*
Thank you for sharing this offering. Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion.

Reviewed by
JACE

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24
24
Review of Mine  
Review by Jace
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Jezri .

I'm Jace , and I have the honor of reading and reviewing your offering "Mine. I invite your attention to the comments below. Please bear in mind these notes are from one on the outside looking in; ultimately only you can decide what's right for your story.

This offering was selected by the Random Review generator.

*Note1*
Overall Impression. Normally, I'm not one for the horror/scary genre, but I found your offering quite intriguing. From the title and your opening paragraph, I guessed the nanny did it. *Smile* But I would like to know a little more about her motives. What was driving her desire?

Perhaps a short blurb about Marissa's background might help explain that. You allude to her "people" through Amanda, but leave me a little wanting on that note.

Your dialogue was well done, and helped move your story along.

*Exclaim*
Technical and Editorial Considerations. In this section I normally list those areas that relate specifically to the mechanics of your writing--punctuation, grammar, spelling, etc.

         *Bullet* A wordsmith moment. I believe your opening line would read better grammatically with a slight word change.
 Marissa sung to the baby, a lullaby her mother had sung to her as a child.  Marissa sang to the baby, a lullaby her mother had sung to her as a child.

         *Bullet* I know everyone has their favorite method of marking different time frames within a story. But be consistent throughout. You use *** to denote a time span. But you missed one when Amanda joins her husband later that night. In fact, I think you might limit the use of them. Too many creates a real choppy read (in my opinion, of course).

*Star*
My Rating. 4.0 .  An above average read that with a little back-fill on Marissa would make a tighter and more in-depth story. I assume you had a word count limit for your contest entry, but feel this is an important addition.

*Heart*
Thank you for sharing this offering. Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion.


Reviewed by
JACE

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
25
25
Review of The Angry House  
Review by Jace
In affiliation with Noticing Newbies Committee  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *BalloonR*


Hi Augustine

I'm Jace , and I have the honor of reading and reviewing your offering "The Angry House. I invite your attention to the comments below. Please bear in mind these notes are from one on the outside looking in; ultimately only you can decide what's right for your story.

*Note1*
Overall Impression. A rather interesting way of looking at a poorly maintained house. As a custom woodworker by trade, I often lament cabinets, homes, furniture--anything that I see as my livelihood--that are not properly kept in good repair. Of course I realize that not everyone has the means or funds to keep things as they should. But many folks just don't care.

Giving the house human qualities, while not realistic *Rolleyes*, does tend to make one think. How am I doing with respect to my own abode?

I personally enjoy more structured poetry--that is, poems that have a rhyming pattern or a meter to each line. I noted you rhymed each pair of lines. Well done. I did have a harder time reading your offering as it didn't flow well for me. I read poems out loud and could never quite get the rhythm. I expect this wasn't your intention.

And yes, I understand your attempt to treat this subject humorously. I can see that, but I feel you fell a little short in that respect.

*Exclaim*
Technical and Editorial Considerations. In this section I normally list those areas that relate specifically to the mechanics of your writing--punctuation, grammar, spelling, etc.

         *Bullet* I had a little problem with the motivation of the family. If I heard an explosion in the basement, I certainly would not be going down there to "check it out."
 
 

         *Bullet* Finally, you need to rate your poem at least ASR due to the references to violence--ie, "ate the people," etc. Please take care of this ASAP.
   


*Star*
My Rating. 3.5

*Heart*
Thank you for sharing this offering. Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion.

Reviewed by
JACE

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