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Review Requests: ON
1,372 Public Reviews Given
Review Style
I tend to cut a wide swath through a review, covering all not only a general overview and characterizations, but also technical areas such as grammar and punctuation. I consider my style to be more in-depth with a good deal of time expenditure on each review. Hence, I tend to give out fewer reviews because of a busy personal schedule.
I'm good at...
Punctuation and grammar.
Favorite Genres
Erotica, Romance, History, and Geneaology
Least Favorite Genres
None really. Though I may not be as comfortable with select genres, such as technical ones (legal, medical, and psychology).
Favorite Item Types
I love essays and biographical/autobiographical items.
I will not review...
I won't say never ... but I seldom review chapters of novels. I personally feel awkward coming into the middle of a novel (say Chapter 4, etc.) and I usually haven't the time to go back and read earlier chapters. Nor do I have time to review multiple chapters.
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review of the cold 1  
Review by Jace
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi Justin .

I'm Jace , and I have the honor of reading and reviewing your offering "the cold 1. I invite your attention to the comments below. Please bear in mind these notes are from one on the outside looking in; ultimately only you can decide what's right for your story.

This offering was selected by the Random Review generator.

*Note1*
Overall Impression. First, let me welcome you to Writing.Com. I'm sure you noticed a lot of activity on site this week--it's WDC's 18th Anniversary. I hope you take advantage of the festivities while learning about the site.

That said, I selected your offering in hopes of imparting some ideas that you can use while posting other stories here. In truth, presentation counts for a lot when posting work for other members to read and hopefully, to review. WDC is a peer to peer writing site, and as such, it's members helping other members to improve by reviewing and interaction.

You want to encourage members to read and review your work by presenting your work in an inviting manner. For example, make your work larger to read. Normally I wouldn't read anything this small (yes, I am older and it's harder to read small type). But I couldn't resist the teaching opportunity.

Also, white space is very important for reading written words on a computer screen. Add a blank line between each paragraph. Trust me, it will be a very easy way to enhance your offering.

You can have the best story ever ... but what is the point if it never gets read or reviewed.

Enough on that. I did find your story enticing. I do wonder where it will lead. It seems to me that you begin your story with a little history, which abruptly stops. Then you go into an incident in recent times. I have the feeling that there's a connection ... or ultimately will be. But I don't feel like I got enough initially to establish the basis for more to come. I think you need a little more up front to maintain your reader's interest.

*Exclaim*
Technical and Editorial Considerations. In this section I normally list those areas that relate specifically to the mechanics of your writing--punctuation, grammar, spelling, etc.

         *Bullet* I've already talked about font size and white space.
   

         *Bullet* Dialogue needs to stand alone. I mean the dialogue of each person should have it's own paragraph.
   

         *Bullet* Finally, consider changing your Intro Rating to E. There's nothing in your intro that is Non-E, and this rating will limit those who can see your offering.
   

*Star*
My Rating. 3.5 .  I tend toward WDC's reviewing convention that a 3.0 rating is average and a 5.0 is truly exceptional, needing no improvement. My rating should tell you that your offering is slightly above average (in content), but needs more work setting the stage and fixing technical problems.

*Heart*
Thank you for sharing this offering. Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion.


Reviewed by
JACE

Logo for Senior Moderators - small

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
2
2
Review by Jace
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Endless Love .

I'm Jace , and I have the honor of reading and reviewing your offering "Not the Usual Suspect. I invite your attention to the comments below. Please bear in mind these notes are from one on the outside looking in; ultimately only you can decide what's right for your story.

This offering was selected by the Random Review generator.

*Note1*
Overall Impression. Ouch! I cringe when someone gets caught in a lie ... or otherwise compromising position.

Well done with your efforts. Changing the female character to someone who doesn't conform to what is often considered beautiful, trim and stacked (I'm not trying to be sexist here), tends to throw off the reader about a clandestine relationship.

And I love your last line.

*Exclaim*
Technical and Editorial Considerations. In this section I normally list those areas that relate specifically to the mechanics of your writing--punctuation, grammar, spelling, etc.

         *Bullet* Keep the tenses consistent:
 We are accustomed to keeping the freezer  Should be were to match the rest of the paragraph.

         *Bullet* A slight punctuation problem:
  "Is that you, Bill?" A gravelly female voice called from the kitchen.  This should be all one sentence: "Is that you, Bill?" a gravelly female voice called from the kitchen.

         *Bullet* Watch out for changing tenses within a sentence:
  I ran a brush through my hair and practiced my happy smile in the mirror because I truly dislike red carnations.  Should be disliked.

*Star*
My Rating. 4.5 .  I tend to follow WDC's reviewing convention of 3.0 for an average review and 5.0 for the exceptional one. My rating says your offering is well above average, but with a few grammatical points that should be addressed.

*Heart*
Thank you for sharing this offering. Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion.


Reviewed by
JACE

Logo for Senior Moderators - small

*Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B* *BalloonR*A Knock it Out Reviewing Activity for a Cause- in celebration of WDC 18th Anniversary *BalloonR* *Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
3
3
Review by Jace
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Lostwordsmith❆ .

I'm Jace , and I have the honor of reading and reviewing your offering "Music - Art of the Muses. I invite your attention to the comments below. Please bear in mind these notes are from one on the outside looking in; ultimately only you can decide what's right for your essay.

This offering was selected by the Random Review generator.

*Note1*
Overall Impression. Hmmm, I was caught by your title and first sentence. I feel exactly as you regarding music. Born in the mid-50s, I still feel the 70's was the decade of the greatest music. That said, I continue to enjoy music from any period--medieval, classical, swing, blues, country, folk, easy listening--in fact, with tongue in cheek, I enjoy any music except rap.

Your essay resonates (pun intended) with me. Personal essays are so hard to review--after all, how can I "improve" on your personal feelings.

Still, I did enjoy reading your articulate rhetoric. I may just have to come up with my own favorite pieces. I appreciated your description of your favorites. For me, I'd have a hard time limiting myself to just six faves.

*Exclaim*
Technical and Editorial Considerations. In this section I normally list those areas that relate specifically to the mechanics of your writing--punctuation, grammar, spelling, etc.

         *Bullet* Watch out for run-on sentences:
 My father was in the Army and was deployed overseas when I was born and he had seen me just a few times, so essentially we were strangers.  Perhaps: My father was in the Army and was deployed overseas when I was born. He had seen me just a few times. Essentially, we were strangers.

         *Bullet* Another run-on:
 My dad didn't know what that was, he looked all through my toys but nothing he tried to give me was what I wanted.  My dad didn't know what that was. He looked all through my toys but nothing he tried to give me was what I wanted.

*Star*
My Rating. 4.5 .  I use the WDC's reviewing convention of 3.0 for average and 5.0 for exceptional. My rating of your offering is above average with just some grammatical suggestions as the difference.

*Heart*
Thank you for sharing this offering. Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion.


Reviewed by
JACE

Logo for Senior Moderators - small

*Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B* *BalloonR*A Knock it Out Reviewing Activity for a Cause- in celebration of WDC 18th Anniversary *BalloonR* *Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
4
4
Review by Jace
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Dominique .

I'm Jace , and I have the honor of reading and reviewing your offering ""Sleepover" 8/31 Flash Fiction Challenge. I invite your attention to the comments below. Please bear in mind these notes are from one on the outside looking in; ultimately only you can decide what's right for your story.

This offering was selected by the Random Review generator.

*Note1*
Overall Impression. First, a welcome to you for joining Writing.Com recently. You're just in time for the 18th Anniversary festivities. And from your entry here, I'm glad to see you've found a contest. I could check ... but I'll just say I hope you did well.

I love these kind of challenges in which you have to write a complete story in a very few words. I don't think folks realize how difficult that can be. I applaud your efforts. And though I didn't see a name for your heroine, I do like her values. I've always rooted for the underdog. I think your heroine doesn't feel the best about herself, but she does think about how other (picked on) people feel.

*Exclaim*
Technical and Editorial Considerations. In this section I normally list those areas that relate specifically to the mechanics of your writing--punctuation, grammar, spelling, etc.

         *Bullet* I noticed a couple typos:
                   
 Amanda jokes in a thick accident.  Accident should be accent.

                   
 You sound Asain.  Asain should be Asian, I believe.

         *Bullet* Be careful about overusing descriptive declaratives, such as delares, exclaims, raves and the like. I know you have to keep your word count low, but show via actions the emotions of your characters.
   

*Star*
My Rating. 4.0 .  Conventional WDC reviewing protocol says a 3.0 rating is average and a 5.0 is exceptional. My rating of 4.0 should tell you that I consider your offering above average and needs a little work to be exceptional.

*Heart*
Thank you for sharing this offering. Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion.


Reviewed by
JACE

Logo for Senior Moderators - small

*Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B* *BalloonR*A Knock it Out Reviewing Activity for a Cause- in celebration of WDC 18th Anniversary *BalloonR* *Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
5
5
Review of The Boogeyman  
Review by Jace
In affiliation with  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi C. Yarn Weaver .

I'm Jace , and I have the honor of reading and reviewing your offering "The Boogeyman. I invite your attention to the comments below. Please bear in mind these notes are from one on the outside looking in; ultimately only you can decide what's right for your poem.

This offering was selected by the Random Review generator.

*Note1*
Overall Impression. Allow me to welcome you to Writing.Com. I see you joined on Sep 1, which coincides with WDC's 18th Anniversary. I hope you take time while learning about the site to take part in some of the festivities. And if you have any questions, please feel free to email me. Or you can post questions in one of many help forums. Enough of the commercial *Wink*

I love stylized poetry--that's poems which have a particular form to it. I have a hard time with free verse poetry. I love your Nonet offering. Somewhere in my Port I have a Nonet poem. And I believe such poems are not as easy as they seem. I applaud your efforts.

I wonder who is more scared--dad telling his son about the Boogeyman, or son hearing about what to look for.

*Exclaim*
Technical and Editorial Considerations. In this section I normally list those areas that relate specifically to the mechanics of your writing--punctuation, grammar, spelling, etc.

         *Bullet* Just one thing here.
 ... a zombies hand shake.  I believe it should be possessive: a zombie's hand shake.

*Thumbsup*
Favorite Part. Your last line ... a command!

 Look.

*Star* My Rating. 4.5 .  I tend to follow WDC's reviewing convention that a 3.0 rating is average and 5.0 is exceptional. I thought your offering was almost exceptional--hence the 4.5.

*Heart*
Thank you for sharing this offering. Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion.


Reviewed by
JACE

Logo for Senior Moderators - small

*Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B* *BalloonR*A Knock it Out Reviewing Activity for a Cause- in celebration of WDC 18th Anniversary *BalloonR* *Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
6
6
Review of RUNNING SCARED  
Review by Jace
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi peter c .

I'm Jace , and I have the honor of reading and reviewing your offering "RUNNING SCARED. I invite your attention to the comments below. Please bear in mind these notes are from one on the outside looking in; ultimately only you can decide what's right for your story.

This offering was selected by the Random Review generator.

*Note1*
Overall Impression. First, let me welcome you to Writing.Com. You picked a great day to join--the 18th Anniversary of a fabulous writing site. I hope it becomes everything you desire in a writing site.

I visited your Portfolio and discovered you've been divorced for 13 years. Of course, I wonder if this poem is about the feelings generated by your divorce. I was divorced six years ago and I still feel a little saddened and lost about the changes.

I see you placed your entire poem in CAPS. Did you mean to "shout" your anguish to the world? I also noted no set meter nor rhyme. I'm not saying that's wrong, but for myself, I have a hard time with free verse offerings. Still, I chose your poem because of similar feelings over my divorce. I can only hope you have healed over time.

*Exclaim*
Technical and Editorial Considerations. In this section I normally list those areas that relate specifically to the mechanics of your writing--punctuation, grammar, spelling, etc.

         *Bullet* IT WAS SO LONG A GO.
 A GO  should be one word--AGO.

         *Bullet* Both lines: ECHOING TO YOU, IT’S OVER and WHAT CAN I DO, BUT CRY.
 The comma in both lines signify a follow-on phrase that can stand alone. I believe the comma in each line should be deleted as each following phrase is integral to those lines.  

*Star*
My Rating. 4.0 .  I tend to follow WDC's reviewing convention that a 3.0 rating is average. Thus, my 4.0 rating is above average, but not exceptional (5.0).

*Heart*
Thank you for sharing this offering. Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion.


Reviewed by
JACE

Logo for Senior Moderators - small

*Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B* *BalloonR*A Knock it Out Reviewing Activity for a Cause- in celebration of WDC 18th Anniversary *BalloonR* *Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B**Ornament1B*



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
7
7
Review by Jace
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*Candlev*


Hi Jellyfish .

I'm Jace , and I have the honor of reading and reviewing your offering "A Backstage Affair in honor of your WDC anniversary. I invite your attention to the comments below. Please bear in mind these notes are from one on the outside looking in; ultimately only you can decide what's right for your story.

*Note1*
Overall Impression. I quite enjoyed your story. I have been in place of Cleo and can well imagine how she feels. I think you captured her feelings well as she verbally jousted with Santi.

Your writing style is enjoyable to read. But I think your story will benefit from reading it out loud and making note of those areas that need to be tweaked. It's hard to explain, but you'll hear a problem before you'll see it. I do this with my stories, and I catch a lot of miscues. *Wink*

*Exclaim*
Technical and Editorial Considerations. In this section I normally list those areas that relate specifically to the mechanics of your writing--punctuation, grammar, spelling, etc.

         *Bullet* A few wordsmith moments. I thought the following examples with your dialogue of verse seemed stilted or weak. My suggestions follow.

  “But I am sure he’s great every night.”
  “But he’s great every night.”

 Both lead roles,  With lead roles,

 ... entering with a fake courtesy.  ... entering with a exaggerated courtesy.

  “Come on, it must be nice to be this popular.”   “Come on, it's nice to be this popular.”

         *Bullet* A run on sentence? I think so. *Smile*
  I could match him, drink for drink and I always liked those nights, after almost everyone else had gone and it was just the two of us, the edges of the world softened by the alcohol and I had an excuse to look at him.   I could match him, drink for drink. I always liked those nights after almost everyone else had gone and it was just the two of us. With the edges of the world softened by the alcohol, I had an excuse to look at him.

*Thumbsup*
Favorite Part. I loved the ending. You stopped perfectly. I mean I like that you leave the reader with his or her anticipation of what may come.

*Star*
My Rating. 4.0 .  Tighten up your writing. There are a few other spots that might be tweaked than the examples I provided.

*Heart*
Thank you for sharing this offering, and I look forward to seeing you around in the coming year. Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion.

Reviewed by
JACE

A new Anniversary Review signature to use, courtesy of  [Link To User legerdemain]


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
8
8
Review of First Date  
Review by Jace
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hi TJ Marie .

I'm Jace , and I have the honor of reading and reviewing your offering "First Date. This serves as an official review on behalf of the contest, "I Write Romantic in Winter. I invite your attention to the comments below. Please bear in mind these notes are from one on the outside looking in; ultimately only you can decide what's right for your story.

*Note1*
Overall Impression. A good start, thought it seemed somewhat stilted to me. It's okay to use contractions in a story, especially when a character is speaking. That's how folks really talk. You want to make things as natural as possible.

Since this story was written for the "Breakthrough! contest, and the first (shorter) phase is more likely setting the stage for subsequent phases, I would have enjoyed a more detailed description of your character, Sandra. I don't mean listing a series of individual characteristics of her looks, though I would like a little more to allow me to identify more with Sandra. After all, I suspect readers will see more of her in future phases. "Ginger hair" and "heart-shaped face" is all I have to place her in my mind.

While I know many questions will be answered in subsequent phases, I would like to know how the date came to be. I believe leaving too much to one's imagination runs the risk of losing your reader. You want to draw your reader in with the mystery, not leave him with so many questions that he leaves unfulfilled. And that's a fine line to walk when having to be stingy with your word count. Still, you had another 60 plus words available.

One more thought: read your story out loud. You'll hear problems much easier than seeing them in written form. That's because we tend to see what we want to see, especially after we've become invested in what we've written. And reading out loud forces us to read each and every word.

*Exclaim*
 Technical Presentation. In this section I list those areas that relate specifically to the mechanics of your writing--punctuation, grammar, spelling, etc.

         *Bullet* The biggest issue I found in your writing was the overuse of commas. They are used mainly for separating parts of a sentence such as clauses, and items in lists, particularly when there are three or more items listed. It is also used to indicate a necessary pause. For example:
 Looking, in her walk in closet at all the clothes she owns....
 Looking in her walk-in closet at all the clothes she owns....

 She literally, just finished getting ready and the doorbell rings.  She just finishes getting ready and the doorbell rings. [Also watch out for changing tenses in the same sentence.]

A case of needing a comma.
 Racing upstairs to try on the new outfit; she is amazed that he knew her size perfectly.  Racing upstairs to try on the new outfit, she is amazed that he knew her size perfectly.

         *Bullet* Watch out for sentence fragments. They distract the reader taking him out of the flow of the story.
 Tips his hat and walks away at a brisk pace.  Tipping his hat, he walks away at a brisk pace.

 The face meeting hers with short blond hair and sapphire-blue eyes.  The face meeting hers has short blond hair and sapphire-blue eyes.

*Star*
My Rating. 3.0 .  On the whole, you have a good start. I do look forward to reading more of Sandra's adventures. Thank you for posting this offering.

*Heart*
Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion.

Reviewed by
JACE

Review Signature for the Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group.


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
9
9
Review by Jace
In affiliation with Noticing Newbies Committee  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "The Newbie Welcome Wagon~EDITING! *BalloonR*


Hi MichelleP .

I'm Jace , and I have the honor of reading and reviewing your offering "Free to a Good Home. I invite your attention to the comments below. Please bear in mind these notes are from one on the outside looking in; ultimately only you can decide what's right for your story.

*Note1*
Overall Impression. I found this to be a sad and poignant story, yet a bit confusing as your title led me to expect something very different. Failing to meet one's expectations as a reviewer is not necessarily bad. However, in my opinion a good title will support your story, even to the point of some mis-direction. Your title didn't just mis-direct me--it started me down a path from which I couldn't easily adjust to meet your final conclusion. Your item description also fell short of its mark as it fulfilled neither of its objects.

Aside from these points, I really enjoyed your descriptive perspective of your canine hero. You have a great turn of the phrase throughout your offering. I especially enjoyed your line Her words floated away, no feeling to anchor them. I suspect we all want to hear words of encouragement that so often are never delivered or fall short of their mark. This is something I believe each of us has experienced.

Consider changing your Intro Rating to E. There is nothing in your Title of Item Description that necessitates a Non-E rating. This rating would only serve to limit where you can list this offering for review.

*Exclaim*
Technical and Editorial Considerations. In this section I normally list those areas that relate specifically to the mechanics of your writing--punctuation, grammar, spelling, etc. You have a couple lines that could be made stronger with some slight adjustment. For example:

         *Bullet* You wrote: The cage wrapped its arms around me in triumph as I peered out desperately. Suggestion:
 The cage wrapped its arms around me in triumph as I peered out desperate to slip its embrace.
 The suggestion also negates your adverb "desperately," on which some circles frown. *Wink*

         *Bullet* You wrote: Her skirt fell out from her waist and swished as she twisted and rose, her heels clip clop click on the cement floor. Suggestion:
 Her skirt rustled as she twisted and rose, moving away from me, her heels clicking on the cement floor.  I found "Her skirt fell out..." to be a mite awkward to read, and more so to say out loud. I often read a piece aloud which emphasizes an awkward turn of phrase.

         *Bullet* You wrote: As the door began to open, a voice boomed from above. Suggestion:
 The door above opened and a voice boomed,  Keep it simple and active. The door opened versus the door began to open.

*Star*
My Rating. 4.0 .  In my opinion, you should come up with a different title and item description. Both serve to set the stage for your story. Be a bit more subtle in how you try to throw your reader off track.

*Heart*
Thank you for sharing this offering. Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion.


Reviewed by
JACE

noticing newbies committee sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
10
10
Review by Jace
In affiliation with Noticing Newbies Committee  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "The Newbie Welcome Wagon~EDITING! *BalloonR*


Hi Duane Engelhardt .

I'm Jace , and I have the honor of reading and reviewing your offering "I'm not supposed to talk to you. I invite your attention to the comments below. Please bear in mind these notes are from one on the outside looking in; ultimately only you can decide what's right for your story.

*Note1*
Overall Impression. Short, sweet and sassy. How quickly we're seduced to the "dark side."

Seriously, I liked it. I can easily see this conversation happening in a detention room. I wonder if you might have been present and overheard such a conversation. Or perhaps, you were one of the conspirators.

I thought your dialogue was well written. It moved along and kept my interest. In any case, well done on the whole.

*Exclaim*
Technical and Editorial Considerations. In this section I normally list those areas that relate specifically to the mechanics of your writing--punctuation, grammar, spelling, etc.

         *Bullet* My only complaint is one you'll hear from most reviewers. Double-space all your paragraphs. Reading on a screen or monitor is not the same as reading a book. The eye needs the additional white space to keep reading from becoming tiresome. You can easily check the Double Space Paragraphs box in the Edit window.
 
 

*Star*
My Rating. 4.5

*Heart*
Thank you for sharing this offering. Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion.


Reviewed by
JACE

noticing newbies committee sig



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
11
11
Review of Crazy 7  
Review by Jace
In affiliation with Noticing Newbies Committee  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "The Newbie Welcome Wagon~EDITING! *BalloonR*


Hi katya .

I'm Jace , and I have the honor of reading and reviewing your offering "Crazy 7. I invite your attention to the comments below. Please bear in mind these notes are from one on the outside looking in; ultimately only you can decide what's right for your story.

*Note1*
Overall Impression. First, welcome to Writing.Com, and congratulations on successfully posting your story on site. I remember well the first time I posted--I was a wreck not knowing if I did it right, or how it would be received.

I chose this story because of your first paragraph. My day was in the military and we moved ... a lot! I started in a lot of new schools over the years, even spending the 3rd grade in three different states. I remember very well how I felt. You brought back some intense emotions as I read your account. *Thumbsup*

Your title is okay, but could be better. I would suggest you change the 7 to 7th, to better reflect the essence of your story. Your Intro, on the other hand, is pretty weak. If you want to entice folks to read your tale, draw them in with something a bit more provocative. "Writing assignment" may have been what this was, but this is your chance to advertise your story to the readers. You have up to 90 characters to state your case, so to speak. Perhaps something like: "Seventh grade isn't so bad. Or is it?"

You have a great narrative here. And that's what your story is--a narrative. You're reciting every thought and memory of your first day. It's important to get all the facts necessary to get your story across. But, you don't have to add in every single point you remember. Readers like to feel as if they are part of your story, and if you tell them every emotion and thought you had, they don't get to make that connection.

It's a very hard thing to decide what to keep and what to discard. Ask yourself, is this thought required to move my story along? Or, should I let the reader imagine what this aspect is like? You don't need to detail every second of your day to make a great story memoir of this important day. Let your reader's imagination fill in some blanks. Hit the high points.

I know that's pretty vague ... and only you can write what you want to convey. Practice will make this perfect.

I'm glad you had a wonderful first day. Some of mine were great, and some were not. But such is life, right? *Wink*

*Exclaim*
Technical and Editorial Considerations. In this section I normally list those areas that relate specifically to the mechanics of your writing--punctuation, grammar, spelling, etc.

         *Bullet* a wordsmith moment. I know this story is told from the first person point of view. You use 'I' a lot! Consider changing how you begin your sentences using a more active approach, and you'll have a stronger story. For example, you wrote:

 I got myself moving to get my new schedule for classes and when I heard the bell I knew it was the beginning of school.  I found my class schedule. The bell signaled the beginning of school.

  I had to ask a teacher to find Mrs. Chapman, and I found out she was at the end of the hall, straight ahead from my locker.   I had to ask a teacher to find Mrs. Chapman. Her classroom was at the end of the hall, right in front of my locker.

Sometimes shorter sentences are easier to write, and to read. *Smile*

         *Bullet* Try reading your story out loud. You might be surprised at what you'll hear while you read that you wouldn't see reading quietly. I thinks that's because you know what you wrote and your eye will see what your mind wants it to see. Reading aloud forces you to read each and every word, even parts that aren't quite correct.


*Star* My Rating. 3.5 .  An above average offering that needs a little re-working to make this shine. Best of luck with all your writing endeavors.

*Heart*
Thank you for sharing this offering. Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion.


Reviewed by
JACE

noticing newbies committee sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
12
12
Review by Jace
In affiliation with Noticing Newbies Committee  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "The Newbie Welcome Wagon~EDITING! *BalloonR*


Hi WriterInTheShadows .

I'm Jace , and I have the honor of reading and reviewing your offering "Ballad of a Warrior. I invite your attention to the comments below. Please bear in mind these notes are from one on the outside looking in; ultimately only you can decide what's right for your poem.

*Note1*
Overall Impression. I absolutely love story poems. The title was perfect for your offering. Each of us could learn much from this sparrow's attitude.

Though I guess ballads do not always have happy endings, I found myself wishing to know that the little sparrow's actions achieved results commensurate with his sacrifice.

I also liked the added poetic benefit of the first and last sentence rhymes in each interior stanza. I did wonder why you didn't include this aspect in the first and final stanza.

I changed the content rating of your poem to ASR. You should receive an email explaining the reason for this change. Please understand this is not a slight against you as a writer or person; Moderators are obliged to adjust ratings when they come across such instances to adhere to published WDC standards.

*Exclaim*
Technical and Editorial Considerations. In this section I normally list those areas that relate specifically to the mechanics of your writing--punctuation, grammar, spelling, etc.

         *Bullet* I think since the phrase set apart by the commas is essential and there isn't a need for a pause, you should remove the first comma after year.
 One year, as Summer changed to Fall,
 

         *Bullet* I noted no other punctuation or grammar problems in the your poem. *Smile*
   

*Star*
My Rating. 4.5 .  Great job.

*Heart*
Thank you for sharing this offering. Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion.


Reviewed by
JACE

noticing newbies committee sig



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
13
13
Review by Jace
In affiliation with Noticing Newbies Committee  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "The Newbie Welcome Wagon~EDITING! *BalloonR*


Hi amaziah5 .

I'm Jace , and I have the honor of reading and reviewing your offering "Meeting 'That Guy'. I invite your attention to the comments below. Please bear in mind these notes are from one on the outside looking in; ultimately only you can decide what's right for your story.

*Note1*
Overall Impression. I began reading your story and noted a few similarities to my life's situation. I was divorced last year after 33 years of marriage. Oh, we both knew it had been coming for some time so that was a bit different. But I never really thought it would actually happen until it did. Then, I found someone else rather quickly as you did.

As I read further, I became a little confused. May I paraphrase to see if I understood your story correctly: You split with your husband, found someone new, fell in love anew, then grew apart finally splitting up with him. From here I'm unclear as to your current status. The second relationship was over yet you continue to talk daily?

I totally understand remaining amiable--my ex-wife and I remain on great terms--but I think the way you presented that fact is not clear, at least to me as your reader. A few questions come to my mind. Did the "handsome devil" show you a love you wanted, or just identify something that you ultimately wanted? Are you still looking for that ultimate love?

I agree that he probably helped distract you from your initial breakup. And I hope you find what you're looking for.

*Exclaim*
Technical and Editorial Considerations. In this section I normally list those areas that relate specifically to the mechanics of your writing--punctuation, grammar, spelling, etc.

         *Bullet* I didn't notice any typos or grammar errors. *Thumbsup*

*Star*
My Rating. 4.0
.  I hope that I haven't been too muddled in trying to understand your journey here. I wish you the very best.

*Heart*
Thank you for sharing this offering. Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion.


Reviewed by
JACE

noticing newbies committee sig



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
14
14
Review of The flowers  
Review by Jace
In affiliation with Noticing Newbies Committee  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "The Newbie Welcome Wagon~EDITING! *BalloonR*


Hi Blue Moon .

I'm Jace , and I have the honor of reading and reviewing your offering "The flowers. I invite your attention to the comments below. Please bear in mind these notes are from one on the outside looking in; ultimately only you can decide what's right for your poem.

*Note1*
Overall Impression. I selected this offering becase it had not yet received any reviews. Perhaps while I take time to type this, you will be blessed by someone else's opinion. *Smile*

As you said, these are sad thoughts. I guess what makes it universal is that all of us at one time or another have experienced similar feelings. I know I have. And writing is cathartic ... at least for me.

I'm getting some conflicting vibes from some of your lines. In the first stanza you said: I not sure if you even saw them, All I know is you sent them away. Yet in the fourth stanza you said: Maybe if I would have just left them. I gathered from the first stanza that you had the flowers delivered; they were not brought by you. Later on, I was not sure how the flowers got to the lady.

*Exclaim*
Technical and Editorial Considerations. In this section I normally list those areas that relate specifically to the mechanics of your writing--punctuation, grammar, spelling, etc.

         *Bullet* Either make the contraction "I'm" or add "am."
 I not sure if you even saw them
 I'm not sure if you even saw them

         *Bullet* A spelling correction:
 But I can say that at lest we tried  But I can say that at least we tried

*Star*
My Rating. 3.5 .  An above average offering that needs a little TLC to make it shine.

*Heart*
Thank you for sharing this offering. Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion.


Reviewed by
JACE

noticing newbies committee sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
15
15
Review by Jace
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hi druid .

I'm Jace , and I have the honor of reading and reviewing your offering "The Long Wait, Part 1. I invite your attention to the comments below. Please bear in mind these notes are from one on the outside looking in; ultimately only you can decide what's right for your story.

*Note1*
Overall Impression. Having entertained an internet relationship in the past, I could feel some of those old emotions return while reading your story.

My first thought after reading was how clinical the story sounded. I know you're writing this from Ru's point of view, but you use a lot of "I's" in defining his emotions. I found myself hurrying through the story, skipping parts. I needed more 'meat' to maintain my interest.

For example, you could easily add some background about how they met. What brought them together; where are they from; and things like this. With all the conversations they must have had over time--how long was the initial relationship--you should be able to fill in these spots.

Read your story out loud. You will hear problems much more readily than reading them, especially when you're the person who wrote the story. You know how you intend it to be, and you will 'see' things the way you want them to be, not necessarily how they should be. Sentence fragments have their place when not overused. And punctuation must still be used properly. For example you wrote:
  Friends, family. An occasional fling, nothing that lasted. Try:   Friends, family, co-workers. An occasional fling; nothing that lasted.

Finally, watch your tenses. Don't change in the middle of a sentence. For example you wrote:
  It's been almost 10 years since that day and I never forgot you or what you mean to me. Try:   Almost ten years have passed since that day, and I've never forgotten what you mean to me.

*Exclaim*
Technical and Editorial Considerations. In this section I normally list those areas that relate specifically to the mechanics of your writing--punctuation, grammar, spelling, etc.

         *Bullet* Watch out for run-on sentences.
 Late nights talking via Skype, you speaking discreetly in hushed tones, me staying up late night after night, paying for it at work the next day, my performance falling way below what I'm capable of, and for the first time in my working life, not caring.  We'd talk via Skype far into the night. You would speak discreetly in hushed tones; I'd stay up late night after night, paying for it at work the next day. My performance fell way below my capabilities. For the first time in my working life, I didn't care.

         *Bullet* I believe you enabled Double Space Paragraphs as there is an extra line between each paragraph. This is easily corrected in the Edit Window.

*Star*
My Rating. 3.5 .  Right now, I believe your offering is just above average. Read it critically for punctuation and grammar, and mark up the interest with some background, and you'll have a solid offering.

*Heart*
Thank you for sharing this offering. Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion.


Reviewed by
JACE

Logo for Senior Moderators - smallv


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
16
16
Review by Jace
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Ŵeb☆Ŵiɫch Onthe RoadAgain .

I'm Jace , and I have the honor of reading and reviewing your offering "The Not So Calm Before the Storm. I invite your attention to the comments below. Please bear in mind these notes are from one on the outside looking in; ultimately only you can decide what's right for your story.

This offering was selected by the Random Review generator.

*Note1*
Overall Impression. I'd gone through a number of possibilities to review when I happened on your offering. To be honest, the picture drew me in.

The description of your 'bunch' in the second paragraph left me a bit puzzled. If I read it correctly (according to the punctuation) your bunch was two people plus the guide. This seemed an odd term to use for a bunch. It became obvious that other persons were present. Either rewording the paragraph or changing the punctuation is in order.

I also didn't quite understand why they were upset with the guide who had to absorb a number of indignities ... at least until several paragraphs later. I understand about revealing some things in due time, but I wondered why keep this secret.

Finally, I tried to picture Mr. Twitch having a bleeding wound on the back of his head while his fedora was apparently still in place on his head. (Of course, it's been a long day for me and my mind may just be too tired to be reading presently. *Rolleyes*)

*Exclaim*
Technical and Editorial Considerations. In this section I normally list those areas that relate specifically to the mechanics of your writing--punctuation, grammar, spelling, etc.

         *Bullet* I saw only one technical aspect that might be addressed--your paragraph spacing seems to be double the normal spacing. A very easy fix.

*Star*
My Rating. 4.5 .  I loved the title--it fit your tale purr-fectly. *Bigsmile*

*Heart*
Thank you for sharing this offering. Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion.


Reviewed by
JACE

Logo for Senior Moderators - small


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
17
17
Review by Jace
Rated: E | (4.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "The Newbie Welcome Wagon~EDITING! *BalloonR*


Hi 50's Child .

I'm Jace , and I have the honor of reading and reviewing your offering "Everyone has a story . I invite your attention to the comments below. Please bear in mind these notes are from one on the outside looking in; ultimately only you can decide what's right for your story.

*Note1*
Overall Impression. Amen to your sentiments. I just turned 59, and have been the oldest in my family since my dad passed three years ago. I have long been interested in my family's genealogy, but seldom had the opportunity to really interview my dad before he passed.

I fear many photos I have will not be adequately explained. But moving forward for my children is my best option for posterity. Writing my own past down solves two things--my love for writing, and giving my kids something that will outlast me. *Smile*

Goof for you for thinking about the future.

*Exclaim*
Technical and Editorial Considerations. In this section I normally list those areas that relate specifically to the mechanics of your writing--punctuation, grammar, spelling, etc.

         *Bullet* I know this is a short offering, but I think it could be expanded into a couple paragraphs that would be much easier for readers to digest. You have some great points to make. Anything you can do to facilitate your reader's enjoyment and understanding is a good thing.

*Star*
My Rating. 4.5


*Heart*
Thank you for sharing this offering. Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion.

Reviewed by
JACE

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
18
18
Review of The Angry House  
Review by Jace
In affiliation with Noticing Newbies Committee  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "The Newbie Welcome Wagon~EDITING! *BalloonR*


Hi Augustine

I'm Jace , and I have the honor of reading and reviewing your offering "The Angry House. I invite your attention to the comments below. Please bear in mind these notes are from one on the outside looking in; ultimately only you can decide what's right for your story.

*Note1*
Overall Impression. A rather interesting way of looking at a poorly maintained house. As a custom woodworker by trade, I often lament cabinets, homes, furniture--anything that I see as my livelihood--that are not properly kept in good repair. Of course I realize that not everyone has the means or funds to keep things as they should. But many folks just don't care.

Giving the house human qualities, while not realistic *Rolleyes*, does tend to make one think. How am I doing with respect to my own abode?

I personally enjoy more structured poetry--that is, poems that have a rhyming pattern or a meter to each line. I noted you rhymed each pair of lines. Well done. I did have a harder time reading your offering as it didn't flow well for me. I read poems out loud and could never quite get the rhythm. I expect this wasn't your intention.

And yes, I understand your attempt to treat this subject humorously. I can see that, but I feel you fell a little short in that respect.

*Exclaim*
Technical and Editorial Considerations. In this section I normally list those areas that relate specifically to the mechanics of your writing--punctuation, grammar, spelling, etc.

         *Bullet* I had a little problem with the motivation of the family. If I heard an explosion in the basement, I certainly would not be going down there to "check it out."
 
 

         *Bullet* Finally, you need to rate your poem at least ASR due to the references to violence--ie, "ate the people," etc. Please take care of this ASAP.
   


*Star*
My Rating. 3.5

*Heart*
Thank you for sharing this offering. Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion.

Reviewed by
JACE

** Image ID #1768032 Unavailable **

** Image ID #612032 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
19
19
Review of Don't Know  
Review by Jace
In affiliation with Reviewing News and Views  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi piewhackett1.

I'm Jace , and I have the honor of reading and reviewing your offering "Don't Know. I invite your attention to the comments below. Please bear in mind these notes are from one on the outside looking in; ultimately only you can decide what's right for your story.

*Note1*
Overall Impression. I often marvel at how fate intervenes in my life. I clicked on the Random Review button in response to Writing.Com Support 's challenge, and your offering appeared.

Your first two stanzas might have been written by me regarding an event that occurred in my life last year. It's never easy to see the person who has been a significant part of your life continue her journey on her own. While the circumstances played out in your poem are not exactly the same as mine, I empathize completely.

I tend to assume poetry has its basis in personal experience. If so, I'm sorry for your loss. Your words definitely stuck a chord with me.

*Exclaim*
Technical and Editorial Considerations. In this section I normally list those areas that relate specifically to the mechanics of your writing--punctuation, grammar, spelling, etc.

         *Bullet* My inclination is to find a meter of sorts in your words. I never did, so I figure that was by design. To be honest, I had no problem with that. *Smile*
   

         *Bullet* You broke your rhyming pattern on the final two line. I tried to come up with alternate ways of completing your poem while maintaining the rhyme without success. Guess it wasn't meant to be. But still...
   

*Thumbsup*
Favorite Part.

 I've laid awake and cried tears at night.
Wondering what I did that wasn't right.


*Star* My Rating. 4.5

*Heart*
Thank you for sharing this offering. Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion.


Reviewed by
JACE

Logo for Writing.Com Moderators - small.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
20
20
Review of Mickey's Dame  
Review by Jace
In affiliation with Unofficial Erotica Newsletter ...  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi Jon Cotton .

I'm Jace , and I have the honor of reading and reviewing your offering for the March 2013 round of "Paradise Cove Writing Challenge-On Hold. Please allow me to post my thoughts on your story, "Mickey's Dame in this public review.

*Question*
Were Contest Rules Followed? Yes. *Delight*

*Note1*
Overall Impression. First, thank you for entering the "Paradise Cove Writing Challenge-On Hold with your distinctive story. Please accept my apologies for the tardiness of this review and my decision of the results. The reasons vary and are of no consequence for this review.

Your interpretation of my March prompt, A Film Noir Tryst, in which I was looking for a tale of romance and mystery, was a joy to read.

As noted in the contest title, this is a writing challenge--a writing challenge with an Erotica bent. As such, I look not only for the erotic interpretation of the stated prompt, but also for the story-line AND the correct technical aspects of one’s story, including punctuation, grammar, and spelling. I’ll discuss this latter aspect later.

You did a good job with your characters, especially with the actual introduction of your main character. *Smile* I found both to be very enticing, both with dialogue and actions. I’m especially fond of good phrasing. One in particular caught my fancy. *green*I have to admit this was the stop I should have gotten off at.

Nice twist at the end, though I found your final paragraph pretty abrupt. You push a lot of activity in those last couple sentences—waking beside each other, coming up with a plan to rob Mickey, doing the job, and … the end. It was as if you had run out of things to say and just wanted to end.


*Exclaim*
Technical and Editorial Considerations. I invite your attention to the comments below. In this section I list those areas that relate specifically to the mechanics of your writing--punctuation, grammar, spelling, etc. Please bear in mind these notes are from one on the outside looking in; ultimately only you can decide what's right for your story.

*Bullet* Be sure to read your offerings carefully before posting. Read them out loud and you’ll hear such things as what you wrote in your opening paragraph.

         She had been gone from our penthouse hideaway for while now …

         … personal effects except for a note balances on the table.


*Bullet* Also, you have a grammatical glitch in your fourth paragraph:

         Her eyes watched me watched me closely, and smiled curved her lips …

*Bullet* Watch your phrasing. Try to avoid the passive voice, especially when describing the throes of passion. Using “was” minimizes the action. Keep it active.

         … pressing my lips … smell I was enjoying so much.

         … pressing my lips … smell I enjoyed so much.

*Bullet* Finally, check your punctuation, particularly around your dialogue. Missing quotes and commas may be hard to find during editing, but rest assured your readers will find them. *Smile* It’s always been a real mystery to me that I can read and edit a story many times and STILL miss something simple.

*Star*
My Rating. 4.0 .  That said, you have a great deal of potential with this offering; all that’s needed is some attention to detail. Read your story aloud. I do that with every story I judge in a contest. In fact, I do that with every story I write before I post it for the public to read. How does it sound? Reading out loud makes even very small errors more readily apparent.

I hope you decide to enter our writing challenge in the future, and look forward to reading what your imagination dreams up. I'm enclosing 5000 GPs as a thank you for taking the time to write and enter, and for your patience in waiting for this review.

*Heart*
Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion.


Reviewed by
JACE

A gifted Sig from Brooke and Kaya, good friends from the Talent Pond.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
21
21
Review of Dicky Boy  
Review by Jace
In affiliation with Unofficial Erotica Newsletter ...  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi Devil's Delight-Cherry .

I'm Jace , and I have the honor of reading and reviewing your offering for the March 2013 round of "Paradise Cove Writing Challenge-On Hold. Please allow me to post my thoughts on your story, "Dicky Boy in this public review. Thank you for entering the "Paradise Cove Writing Challenge-On Hold with your distinctive story.

*Question*
Were Contest Rules Followed? Yes. *Delight*

*Note1*
Overall Impression. First, my abject apologies for the extreme tardiness of this review. The reasons vary and are of no consequence for this review.

Your interpretation of my March prompt, A Film Noir Tryst, in which I was looking for a tale of romance and mystery, was very enjoyable to read.

However, I felt you rushed your offering to get it posted. This was a bit rougher than your last entry as far as editing is concerned. You didn’t catch some rather simple grammatical errors that were readily apparent in a cursory read through. I’ve noted a few examples below.

I quite enjoyed your story-line, especially the twist at the end. And I really liked the encounter between Dicky and Gloria. I found it enticing to be able to use my imagination as the reader to make the encounter more than was actually describe. Very sensual. I also enjoyed the voyeur scene.

*Exclaim*
Technical and Editorial Considerations. As noted in the contest title, this is a writing challenge--a writing challenge with an Erotica bent. As such, I look not only for the erotic interpretation of the stated prompt, but also for correct technical aspects of one’s story, including punctuation, grammar, and spelling.

*Bullet*Your opening paragraph has a couple grammatical errors—wording that doesn’t sound right when read. Read it out loud and you’ll hear what I mean.

*Bullet*Watch out for sentence fragments. They can be used quite effectively when describing heavy action. But, you have a fragment in your sixth paragraph that doesn’t work.

         Just to change my appearance the way my boss had taught me.

*Bullet*One sentence in the following paragraph makes little sense as written.

         So everyone night I showed up without fail.

*Bullet*I found your introduction of the female interest to your story a mite awkward. As you initially stated, “But now I had a different reason …” As both a writer and reader, I’m especially concerned with how a phrase is turned. You haven’t properly laid the groundwork for her introduction with that sentence. Why didn’t Dicky notice her when Vinnie first showed up? In fact, you essentially state later that she was always there except when Vinnie comes. A bit confusing….

That said, you have a great deal of potential with this offering; all that’s needed is some attention to detail. Read your story aloud, Cherry-Anne. I do that with every story I judge in a contest. In fact, I do that with every story I write before I post it for the public to read. How does it sound? Reading out loud makes even very small errors more readily apparent.

I hope you decide to enter our writing challenge in the future, and look forward to reading what your imagination dreams up.

*Star*
My Rating. 4.0
.  Thank you for entering this offering, and I look forward to you entering again. I'm enclosing 5000 GPs for both your patience and a thank you for taking the time to write and enter.

*Heart*
Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion.


Reviewed by
JACE

A gifted Sig from Brooke and Kaya, good friends from the Talent Pond.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
22
22
Review by Jace
In affiliation with Unofficial Erotica Newsletter ...  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi Christine .

I'm Jace , and I have the honor of reading and reviewing your offering for the April/May 2013 round of "Paradise Cove Writing Challenge-On Hold. Please allow me to post my thoughts on your story, "An Oxford Education, in this public review.

*Question*
Were Contest Rules Followed? Yes. *Delight* Congratulations! I've selected your story as the winner for this round.

*Note1*
Overall Impression. The prompt for this round's challenge was a quote from Ovid, The Erotic Poems. Your use of my prompt was a delight to read. I found it very entertaining.

My enjoyment of your offering was overshadowed by some rather mundane technical considerations of the story. Most disconcerting was the line spacing you used. I was at a loss to determine why you chose to double space each line and paragraph. It distracted me while reading. If this was not by design, you might check out the Preserve Spacing box under Item Preferences in Section 7 of your item's Edit window.

I thought your use of a woman acting as a man in a man's world imaginative. The 1700's can be a daunting time for a woman determined to make it on her own. I also liked the apparent turmoil Lord Yelverton experienced in his psyche--coming to grips with his tender side while maintaining his tough exterior.

*Exclaim*
Technical and Editorial Considerations. I invite your attention to the comments below. In this section I list those areas that relate specifically to the mechanics of your writing--punctuation, grammar, spelling, etc. Please bear in mind these notes are from one on the outside looking in; ultimately only you can decide what's right for your story.

         *Bullet*
 Consider reading your story out loud before you post it. You'll catch little inconsistencies that reading silently often overlooks. For example,  ... dancing with some silly chit at Lady Winter’s ball not sit here in the dark library ...  ... dancing with some silly chit at Lady Winter’s ball not, sitting here in the dark library ...

         *Bullet*
 Dialogue punctuation. Several, as in most, instances do not have ending punctuation.

         *Bullet*
 At one point you describe Lord Yelverton's "glacier-blue eyes." Later you tell us his eyes are "piercing green."

         *Bullet*
 A wordsmith moment. So often a writer's desire to use unusual words to convey a specific emotion when writing erotica leads one to words that the writer might consider "cute" or "unique." Sometimes though, the reader doesn't perceive that usage the same way. For example,  ... felt her body liquify in a way ...  ... felt her body melt in a way ... Liquefy means something entirely different to me.

*Star* My Rating. 4.0 .  The rating was predicated on the technical problems I noted, not your story-line. Thank you for entering this offering, and I look forward to you entering again.

*Heart*
Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion.


Reviewed by
JACE

A gifted Sig from Brooke and Kaya, good friends from the Talent Pond.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
23
23
Review of The Young Teacher  
Review by Jace
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Prof Moriarty .

I'm Jace , and I have the honor of reading and reviewing your offering "The Young Teacher. I invite your attention to the comments below. Please bear in mind these notes are from one on the outside looking in; ultimately only you can decide what's right for your story.

This is the first of eight reviews for your incentive donation to the "WDC Around the World *CLOSED* auction.

*Note1*
Overall Impression. A touching story that makes good use of the contest prompt for which it was written. One thing that everyone understands is racial inequality, something of which there is no shortage in the world.

I was quite taken with Anirudh's character--he was a very forgiving and understanding individual when most might have given in to anger. You don't say where this story takes place though I suspect it is come place other than India.

You title is right on. Well done for a short story.

*Exclaim*
Technical and Editorial Considerations. In this section I normally list those areas that relate specifically to the mechanics of your writing--punctuation, grammar, spelling, etc.

         *Bullet* A punctuation moment:
 But you will have to come with us." The officer announced.  But you will have to come with us," the officer announced.

         *Bullet* You seem to have the same problem after a dialogue question. The attribute (he asked, she asked) is still part of line and thus should not be in caps.
   

         *Bullet* Doubted seemed to be the wrong word here. Also probably lessens the statement (though you may have meant for that).
 The officer doubted that he had probably kidnapped her.  The officer suspected that he had probably kidnapped her.

         *Bullet* Toughts should be placed in either single quotes (' '), or in italics if the print is in regular typeface.
 "My young teacher," Anirudh thought  My young teacher, Anirudh thought

*Star*
My Rating. 4.5

*Heart*
Thank you for sharing this offering. Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion.


Reviewed by
JACE

Logo for Writing.Com Moderators - small.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
24
24
Review of I FEEL THE STORM  
Review by Jace
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*Candlev*


Hi sssam-on the way back .

I'm Jace , and I have the honor of reading and reviewing your offering "I FEEL THE STORM in honor of your WDC anniversary. I invite your attention to the comments below. Please bear in mind these notes are from one on the outside looking in; ultimately only you can decide what's right for your story.

*Note1*
Overall Impression. Hmmm, how many of us go though life giving in to our family's and friends' wishes and whims because we feel that's what is expected of us? I, myself, have done just that for many years. And now, ... well, let's just say, I'm taking charge of my life. One has to be true to one's self, no matter what the cost. It's taken some time to learn.

I believe the key to friendship, and even love, is not becoming the same, but with being able to be who we are without fear of judgement or criticism. IMHO, of course.

I'm sad that your characters were forced to go a separate paths from each other.

*Exclaim*
Technical and Editorial Considerations. In this section I normally list those areas that relate specifically to the mechanics of your writing--punctuation, grammar, spelling, etc.

         *Bullet* Good job with your format and rhyming pattern.
   

*Thumbsup*
Favorite Part.

I choose my conclusions, it’s my life not yours
The key to our destiny opens different doors.


*Star* My Rating. 4.5

*Heart*
Thank you for sharing this offering, and I look forward to seeing you around in the coming year. Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion.

Reviewed by
JACE

Created by Of_fire_born for Rising Stars' Reviewers


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
25
25
Review by Jace
In affiliation with  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*Candlev*


Hi CeruleanSon .

I'm Jace , and I have the honor of reading and reviewing your offering "The Howlin' in the Gloamin' in honor of your WDC anniversary. I invite your attention to the comments below. Please bear in mind these notes are from one on the outside looking in; ultimately only you can decide what's right for your story.

*Note1*
Overall Impression. I want to thank you for a hearty laugh this morning. I happened onto your Port from the Anniversary Reviews, and the fates placed this item in my way.

First, I love your sense of humor. You did an admirable job of setting the stage for your ending--I never saw it coming, ... well, not specifically.

As I said, your characterization was impecable, raising the bar, as it were, not too fast, nor too slow. You kept my interest throughout, and that's hard to do for me. *Wink*

*Exclaim*
Technical and Editorial Considerations. In this section I normally list those areas that relate specifically to the mechanics of your writing--punctuation, grammar, spelling, etc.

         *Bullet* 'Tis true, I have nothing to include in this area. Your poem is without blemish.
   

*Star*
My Rating. 5.0

*Heart*
Thank you for sharing this offering, and I look forward to seeing you around in the coming year. Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion.

Reviewed by
JACE

Created by Of_fire_born for Rising Stars' Reviewers


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
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