|Hi Jon Cotton .
I'm Jace , and I have the honor of reading and reviewing your offering for the March 2013 round of "Paradise Cove Writing Challenge-On Hold" . Please allow me to post my thoughts on your story, "Mickey's Dame" in this public review.
Were Contest Rules Followed? Yes.
Overall Impression. First, thank you for entering the "Paradise Cove Writing Challenge-On Hold" with your distinctive story. Please accept my apologies for the tardiness of this review and my decision of the results. The reasons vary and are of no consequence for this review.
Your interpretation of my March prompt, A Film Noir Tryst, in which I was looking for a tale of romance and mystery, was a joy to read.
As noted in the contest title, this is a writing challenge--a writing challenge with an Erotica bent. As such, I look not only for the erotic interpretation of the stated prompt, but also for the story-line AND the correct technical aspects of one’s story, including punctuation, grammar, and spelling. I’ll discuss this latter aspect later.
You did a good job with your characters, especially with the actual introduction of your main character. I found both to be very enticing, both with dialogue and actions. I’m especially fond of good phrasing. One in particular caught my fancy. *green*I have to admit this was the stop I should have gotten off at.
Nice twist at the end, though I found your final paragraph pretty abrupt. You push a lot of activity in those last couple sentences—waking beside each other, coming up with a plan to rob Mickey, doing the job, and … the end. It was as if you had run out of things to say and just wanted to end.
Technical and Editorial Considerations. I invite your attention to the comments below. In this section I list those areas that relate specifically to the mechanics of your writing--punctuation, grammar, spelling, etc. Please bear in mind these notes are from one on the outside looking in; ultimately only you can decide what's right for your story.
Be sure to read your offerings carefully before posting. Read them out loud and you’ll hear such things as what you wrote in your opening paragraph.
She had been gone from our penthouse hideaway for while now …
… personal effects except for a note balances on the table.
Also, you have a grammatical glitch in your fourth paragraph:
Her eyes watched me watched me closely, and smiled curved her lips …
Watch your phrasing. Try to avoid the passive voice, especially when describing the throes of passion. Using “was” minimizes the action. Keep it active.
… pressing my lips … smell I was enjoying so much.
… pressing my lips … smell I enjoyed so much.
Finally, check your punctuation, particularly around your dialogue. Missing quotes and commas may be hard to find during editing, but rest assured your readers will find them. It’s always been a real mystery to me that I can read and edit a story many times and STILL miss something simple.
My Rating. 4.0 . That said, you have a great deal of potential with this offering; all that’s needed is some attention to detail. Read your story aloud. I do that with every story I judge in a contest. In fact, I do that with every story I write before I post it for the public to read. How does it sound? Reading out loud makes even very small errors more readily apparent.
I hope you decide to enter our writing challenge in the future, and look forward to reading what your imagination dreams up. I'm enclosing 5000 GPs as a thank you for taking the time to write and enter, and for your patience in waiting for this review.
Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion.