Hi katya .
I'm Jace , and I have the honor of reading and reviewing your offering "Crazy 7" . I invite your attention to the comments below. Please bear in mind these notes are from one on the outside looking in; ultimately only you can decide what's right for your story.
Overall Impression. First, welcome to Writing.Com, and congratulations on successfully posting your story on site. I remember well the first time I posted--I was a wreck not knowing if I did it right, or how it would be received.
I chose this story because of your first paragraph. My day was in the military and we moved ... a lot! I started in a lot of new schools over the years, even spending the 3rd grade in three different states. I remember very well how I felt. You brought back some intense emotions as I read your account.
Your title is okay, but could be better. I would suggest you change the 7 to 7th, to better reflect the essence of your story. Your Intro, on the other hand, is pretty weak. If you want to entice folks to read your tale, draw them in with something a bit more provocative. "Writing assignment" may have been what this was, but this is your chance to advertise your story to the readers. You have up to 90 characters to state your case, so to speak. Perhaps something like: "Seventh grade isn't so bad. Or is it?"
You have a great narrative here. And that's what your story is--a narrative. You're reciting every thought and memory of your first day. It's important to get all the facts necessary to get your story across. But, you don't have to add in every single point you remember. Readers like to feel as if they are part of your story, and if you tell them every emotion and thought you had, they don't get to make that connection.
It's a very hard thing to decide what to keep and what to discard. Ask yourself, is this thought required to move my story along? Or, should I let the reader imagine what this aspect is like? You don't need to detail every second of your day to make a great story memoir of this important day. Let your reader's imagination fill in some blanks. Hit the high points.
I know that's pretty vague ... and only you can write what you want to convey. Practice will make this perfect.
I'm glad you had a wonderful first day. Some of mine were great, and some were not. But such is life, right?
Technical and Editorial Considerations. In this section I normally list those areas that relate specifically to the mechanics of your writing--punctuation, grammar, spelling, etc.
a wordsmith moment. I know this story is told from the first person point of view. You use 'I' a lot! Consider changing how you begin your sentences using a more active approach, and you'll have a stronger story. For example, you wrote:
I got myself moving to get my new schedule for classes and when I heard the bell I knew it was the beginning of school. I found my class schedule. The bell signaled the beginning of school.
I had to ask a teacher to find Mrs. Chapman, and I found out she was at the end of the hall, straight ahead from my locker. I had to ask a teacher to find Mrs. Chapman. Her classroom was at the end of the hall, right in front of my locker.
Sometimes shorter sentences are easier to write, and to read.
Try reading your story out loud. You might be surprised at what you'll hear while you read that you wouldn't see reading quietly. I thinks that's because you know what you wrote and your eye will see what your mind wants it to see. Reading aloud forces you to read each and every word, even parts that aren't quite correct.
My Rating. 3.5 . An above average offering that needs a little re-working to make this shine. Best of luck with all your writing endeavors.
Thank you for sharing this offering. Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion.