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1,259 Public Reviews Given
1,287 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
IMPORTANT: I am no longer taking review requests for gift points, as I have no need for gift points. If you want a review from me, you must either agree to swap reviews, or review something of mine first. I prefer swapping entire novels to chapter-by-chapter or short stories. Please note that I also take Saturdays off, and I'm often busy on Friday. If I don't get back to you it's likely because of that.
I'm good at...
Being me, first and foremost. So I'm probably going to be friendly and open, at least. I like to spot little typos and sentences that sound odd. I love removing extra words to keep the story tight, but please be aware that I'm extremely difficult to please and know good and inexperienced writing at a glance.
Favorite Genres
Fantasy (both high and dark) is my most favourite followed by Action/adventure, and lastly Young Adult. I don't really like Sci-fi but I'll read it if asked or if I'm just plain bored.
Least Favorite Genres
Romance, Erotica, severe violence, horror, and I'm not big on vampires, but I might read it. That about sums it up.
Favorite Item Types
Novels! I like a good, long read to keep me busy for several days if possible. I also enjoy a good short story now and then.
Least Favorite Item Types
Not a real fan of poetry. I can't tell the difference between one type of poetry and another. If you're doing basic rhyme and rhythm I can find both of those, but... just no...
I will not review...
Biography, blogs... horror... zombies... LGBT... erotica... romance in general but if your book has a romantic SUB plot I can deal with it. I'm also not too keen on anything apocalyptic so please... don't ask. I will not read out-of-sequence chapters. Otherwise I would have to dislike your writing style, which isn't likely.
Public Reviews
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Review by Antonia Ryder Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)

I'm not a professional writer. I'll try to give honest feedback and try to help with your writing. Remember, it is completely up to you whether you change anything or not.


*Star* First Impressions: First of all I'm not a huge fan of poetry but your title really caught my eye. So I'm going to do my best to help you out on this poem. I like the general feel of it since it seems to capture the feeling of betrayal in an interesting light.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: Interesting way to potray feelings of betrayal and the way it comes across. I like how you liken it to various physical things.


*Moon* Suggestions: I'm not a poet at all so feel free to ignore any of this since it is just my opinion. The rhyming and rhythm is good, but there were a few parts were it seemed to bang its way down the stairs or hit a snag, if you will.

I am the pain of the winter's ice,
Treacherous beneath your feet;
Brittle words will break by stroke and slice,

For "I am the pain of the winter's ice' I think the second 'the' can be excluded without trouble. As for that last line... well, it just doesn't seem to flow quite so well.


*Butterflyb* Overall: Good for a poem. I'm not a poet. I Actually kind of like it. I don't know if I've got the rhythm of it right so I hope that was of some assistance.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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Review of Sky Fortress  Open in new Window.
Review by Antonia Ryder Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)

I'm not a professional writer. I'll try to give honest feedback and try to help with your writing. Remember, it is completely up to you whether you change anything or not.


*Star* First Impressions: A poem about a fortress in the sky. Interesting. I decided to review this because I found it sort of interesting, and I think I might be able to help even if I'm anything but a poet myself.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: The fact that it is a fortress in the sky. A fascinating idea. The poem itself paints some pictures in my mind as well.


*Moon* Suggestions: For suggestions I think I can help, but if you don't agree remember you aren't obligated to change anything if you don't want to.

Though the land is small
The fortress its self is tall

Perhaps it could be:

Though the land is small
The fortress stands tall

I'm not a poet though. I hope that was helpful.


*Butterflyb* Overall: As I said, a fabulous idea and a nice poem. This from someone who is not at all interested in poetry. So I think this is all I can say... I hope I was of some help anyhow.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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228
Review of Jimmy Moses  Open in new Window.
Review by Antonia Ryder Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)

I'm not a professional writer. I'll try to give honest feedback and try to help with your writing. Remember, it is completely up to you whether you change anything or not.


*Star* First Impressions: I'm not exactly sure the context of this, but it seems well written. It also captures the character of these people talking, and some of the atmosphere as well. I think you did a fine job, even if I have no clue what exactly is going on. I'm guessing it has some referrence from somewhere else, but I'm not yet sure.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: His hands are shaking, and according to the person next to him they always shake. This is good characterization in my opinion. I liked it, and the way he tried to get their attention back on him.


*Moon* Suggestions: One suggestion to follow up with this line:

“Back off blondie I knew you when your name was Robert and we played on the same baseball team.”

I wonder if there should be some referrence as to how the other person reacts to this statement? But it is your choice.


*Butterflyb* Overall: Not bad at all. As I said, I'm not sure of the context so I don't know what he saw, but I enjoyed it just the same. That's a good thing, I guess. Good characterization, and nice dialogue. Overall... good.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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Review by Antonia Ryder Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)

I'm not a professional writer. I'll try to give honest feedback and try to help with your writing. Remember, it is completely up to you whether you change anything or not.


*Star* First Impressions: A cooking contest of sorts with Guyton and Lucien in competition. One of them will win, and Guyton seems fairly confident... until his competition resorts to some dirty technique to get himself in the top. I wonder if he was ever caught.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: So short, and sweet too. A job well done in my opinion. The characters were only there for a brief moment, and while they were I got a sense of who they were through how they acted. That's good for something of this length.


*Moon* Suggestions: I think this is good the way it is, but I noticed a typo or two, and a paragraph wrongly separated. One more thing to think about...

Lucien looked at Guyton.

That could be "Lucien glanced towards him". There's no need to repeat Guyton's name after you just mentioned Lucien's like that. Otherwise... this was enjoyable to say the least.

*Butterflyb* Overall: Not a bad little short. I liked to read it even if the ending was kind of morbid. A part of me hopes Lucien gets caught, while another part of me hopes he gets away with it. Or at least long enough to win that competition.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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Review by Antonia Ryder Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)

I'm not a professional writer. I'll try to give honest feedback and try to help with your writing. Remember, it is completely up to you whether you change anything or not.


*Star* First Impressions: This is a symbolic and beautiful piece. He seems to have changed, and yet he's not really in himself any longer. I don't have the word to describe it right now, as I usually don't when I'm trying to think of something, but I did find this a moving and unique story.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: The notes and the violin were all painting a vivid picture in my imagination as I read it. I liked that because it gave me a fairly good image of what was going on. However I'm not sure what the shop looked like, but where he was focused seemed to be all that mattered.


*Moon* Suggestions: I couldn't help but notice some typos, or maybe they were unintentional who knows, that I thought I might point out for you since I have no other suggestions as of now.

One of oldest violin in the shop...

Should be 'violins', I think.

“Thank You...

I don't think the 'y' should be caps locked.


*Butterflyb* Overall: Interesting, spell-binding one could say. I'm not really familiar with the symbolism, but I did enjoy reading it well enough. Good job on that. A good read with no strings attached to it. Hehe. That's all.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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Review of Xavier's Changing  Open in new Window.
Review by Antonia Ryder Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

I'm not a professional writer. I'll try to give honest feedback and try to help with your writing. Remember, it is completely up to you whether you change anything or not.


*Star* First Impressions: An interesting subject to be sure. Decent descriptions and an okay way to start this piece as well. Because of what Xavier is going through the reader can sympathize with him as a person. He's geeky, nerdy, and he's sick and tired of it!


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: Xavier seems like a real enough person to me, although if I'd had all that happen to me I'd be both freaked out and wishing I'd be back to normal. That's just me, and I guess for Xavier is was kind of a blessing in disguise. As for his friend, well if I were him I'd have believed in the long run, but I would be scared of him instead of happy to go on as if nothing happened.


*Moon* Suggestions: I noticed some repetetive words in this piece. Well, maybe not SOME as opposed to MANY. You need to use various words to describe one thing rather than repeating it over and over again. I'm not saying your descriptions are bad, but the repetition did get annoying after a time. That can be easily fixed though. Otherwise I noticed some typos, as per usual for any piece.


*Butterflyb* Overall: Not too bad overall. I'm not quite sure where this is going and it ends quite suddenly, but I guess that's for the better. I enjoyed it to some degree, but it doesn't end satisfactorily. It leaves the reader on a bit of a cliff hanger. Anyway, that's all for now.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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Review of The Ice Bunny  Open in new Window.
Review by Antonia Ryder Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)

I'm not a professional writer. I'll try to give honest feedback and try to help with your writing. Remember, it is completely up to you whether you change anything or not.


*Star* First Impressions: A nice, clean start to a cute little story. A girl, how old is never specified, and her plushy bunny. Her partner, and a 'killer'? I'm not sure about every detail, but the story has some charm.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: The cursed plush bunny with icy eyes. That's kind of cute, and creepy at the same time. If that's what you meant you did a nice job of it. Also, the girl is nice, but no names are mentioned so I haven't anything to call her. Or else I missed something *sighs*, I am tired.


*Moon* Suggestions: I couldn't help but notice that after the first few paragraphs things became much less clear, as though someone spoke to you through parts of it or you were trying to describe a feeling and not really getting there. The conversation between the girl and the bunny is downright confusing at times because the two characters talk so similarly. It might help to have one or two more dialogue tags and make sure their words are in different paragraphs.


*Butterflyb* Overall: An adorable, yet creepy little story. Overall it's not bad, but it could use some polishing before it's really good. I liked the concept, and although it was fairly short I found it interesting. I hope she reformed the bunny, and that he got his form back but there's no indication of this. Anyway. I did like it.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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Review of The book  Open in new Window.
Review by Antonia Ryder Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)

I'm not a professional writer. I'll try to give honest feedback and try to help with your writing. Remember, it is completely up to you whether you change anything or not.


*Star* First Impressions: I know very little of poetry, but this had a nice rhythm and flow to it as far as I can tell. A captivating start enough for me to stay and read the whole thing instead of hitting the back button or going back to my portfolio as I do when I'm bored. So that's a good bonus for you.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: Books have always been my favourite pastime. You seem to have captured it's essence in this cute little poem. I liked it, and that's saying a lot when it comes to poetry.


*Moon* Suggestions: Seemed as though it was almost cut short in the end.

I slowly crossed the room
And bent down just to see
I asked the book its secrets
And it began to talk to me

This last line... it's like having a smooth paved road until this point where we hit a really bad bump. Could be something to the effect of 'and it talked to me' instead. Sounds smoother to me. As I said, though, I know nothing of poetry.


*Butterflyb* Overall: Seemed good overall. Got flow, rhyme and a definite point. Not too vague for me to be wondering what in the world you were talking about. I'm no poetry expert though, but I'm hoping this helps you somehow.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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Review by Antonia Ryder Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)

I'm not a professional writer. I'll try to give honest feedback and try to help with your writing. Remember, it is completely up to you whether you change anything or not.


*Star* First Impressions: An ordinary morning for Emily, and nine in the morning. She's going to an amusement park with her adopted brother Josh. They seem to get along really well, and have a good time at the park until they go to see the hypnotist. I don't know if the hypnotist had anything to do with the nameless dark man coming upon Emily's thoughts again, but it seems possible.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: That this 'dream' affects her in reality as well is a fascinating idea. I enjoy the thought that they're more than just a dream, and have a place in her real life. Though I can tell Emily doesn't enjoy it very much. If I were in her place I would be creeped out, too.


*Moon* Suggestions: There is no reason to state the obvious, remember this. Also, numbers below 100 should be written like 'nineteen' or 'twenty-three' instead of 19 and 23. I noticed a few typos as well, and I'll point some out for you. The plot is interesting so far, but I've no idea where it's going. There must be some reason why Emily has to help this dark person out, and she has to realize this eventually. Though not yet, it's still too soon. For typos now.

Emily at one time had been afraid that he would turn out like their biological father,

Emily and Josh aren't biological siblings are they? If not, 'their' should be replaced with 'his'.

Obviously, Josh had seen it too because the next thing she knew, she was being dragged by the arm into the large tent.

You shouldn't have to say 'obviously' here. Just a thought.


*Butterflyb* Overall: I liked it, but not as much as the first chapter. Except for her vision thing. That was good, and it makes me wonder if she's got a past she doesn't even remember. I doubt he'd make it up, he just doesn't seem like the type. I can tell he's greatly upset about her reaction towards him. It is sad, but I guess he shouldn't expect too much from her. He's kind of creepy in his own right even if I know he means well.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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Review by Antonia Ryder Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)

I'm not a professional writer. I'll try to give honest feedback and try to help with your writing. Remember, it is completely up to you whether you change anything or not.


*Star* First Impressions: I like this chapter better than the last one even if it is longer. Christy is an okay person overall, but she also gives me the impression of extreme arrogance. Also, it would appear there are still Insurgent people around that are too old to have been their children. An interesting plot twist to say the least.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: That there are more Insurgent people in their society that are too old to be the children of them is intriguing. I doubt they can really plot anything, or that there are enough of them around to do any serious harm. But we'll see about that in later chapters, I assume.


*Moon* Suggestions: The plot and telling of it has improved since the last chapter, though there are more errant periods in here. They seem to like coming in twos. This gets somewhat irritating as I read through it and doesn't really make sense in grammar. Mind you I'm not an expert in grammar by a long shot. If the sentence trails off... it should be done with three periods instead. I noticed a few typos but I'll only point out this one, you can probably find the rest anyway.

It's amazing how such a simple movement can my heart skip a beat.

The word 'make' is missing in here which in turn causes the sentence to make less sense. Missing words, or even the whole end of a sentence, is really easy to do when you're writing fast.


*Butterflyb* Overall: There's more explanation here in this chapter about what happened in history, but as I said be careful of info dumping on your readers. Info dumping is boring, and makes people lose attention quickly. Otherwise this isn't a bad chapter. There's starting to be some definite direction to it as a whole. I wonder where you intend to take this from here.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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Review by Antonia Ryder Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)

I'm not a professional writer. I'll try to give honest feedback and try to help with your writing. Remember, it is completely up to you whether you change anything or not.


*Star* First Impressions: Took me a while to figure out what was actually going on here because it starts a bit flat. Insurgent and Risen are two different factions, but Risen is in power and the only thing left of Insurgent is their children who are branded so everyone knows who they are. The main character is one of these Insurgent children. Seems like an interesting plot line so far.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: There's backstory: a good thing in this case. A failed attempt for Insurgent to be in power instead of Risen, so it seems that Risen's faction was always the greater one. I'm not entirely sure of everything at this point though, except that the main character is determined to get decent status despite his 'doubtful' heritage. The Insurgent girl in his class doesn't seem that concerned about her lineage though.


*Moon* Suggestions: This is the first chapter so it needs a strong opening. Rather than start the book with him waking up to go to school, you need to start it on a more enthusiastic note. Maybe you could add a prologue or something before it on the rebellion beforehand. This would give you the action you need, and you wouldn't need to change this as much. Less passive voice might help, as well. I noticed a few typos, such as a double period or a period and a comma together. The voice is moderately consistent, but as I said it needs more active voice to make the scenes really come to life.


*Butterflyb* Overall: Not too bad on storyline, needs work as an opening chapter though. Try not to infodump, but let your characters put things together by either casual remark, or by making them think of something in relation to it. Or, like you've done some of in here, by studying for an exam. It has good potential as a novel if you give it some time and attention. Make sure you take care of those rogue punctuation marks, they're trying to overpopulate your work.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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237
237
Review by Antonia Ryder Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)

I'm not a professional writer. I'll try to give honest feedback and try to help with your writing. Remember, it is completely up to you whether you change anything or not.


*Star* First Impressions: Good start on this chapter. Starts with fear, mystery, and a problem for the main character. Emily has trouble sleeping because of this strange being that haunts her dreams. Otherwise she gets picked on at school and looks forward to getting out of there as soon as possible. At the end of the chapter we see the dark being is not sinister, but rather desperate. And he cares deeply about Emily.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: I like the curious way this dark being appears. There's a lot of mystery around him that I guess gets explained later. He cares about Emily, though he must know he's making her lose lots of sleep. Seems he just can't get away from her for long without needing to come right back again. If Emily knew he didn't want to hurt her I wonder if she would feel differently about him.


*Moon* Suggestions: There's some overuse of Emily's name. If you haven't brought another person up yet, then there's no reason to keep mentioning her name over and over again. It gets repetetive. Less use of the word was and had might be helpful, too.

The day went on as usual up until physics class. Emily had always been a straight A student in all classes except those with math involved. She understood words, history, and philosophy, but numbers never made sense to her. She found the theories of physics interesting, but the math was like Greek to her.

In this paragraph it feels like you're pounding the information that Emily is not good at math into our heads. It doesn't need to be mentioned twice in the same line, even for emphasis. I understood she didn't do well in math just as soon as you said numbers didn't make sense to her.


"That is quite enough!" He scolded. "Emily, are you alright?"

Emily grabbed her books and ran out of the room straight to the washroom and locked herself in one of the stalls.

I've never been to school before, but shouldn't Emily ask to be excused before she runs out like that?


*Butterflyb* Overall: Not bad. I thought it was a good read for the most part and it certainly makes me curious to find out what happens next. I doubt she'll realize that he means her no harm at first, and even if she found out she might be totally creeped out by him. Seems to be an interesting plot setup overall, though I am curious to see where it will go from here.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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Review by Antonia Ryder Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I'm not a professional writer. I'll try to give honest feedback and try to help with your writing. Remember, it is completely up to you whether you change anything or not.


*Ghost* Plot: Allee saves a dying dragon (Or pyrogon) from certain death and flees with it to some other place. Otherwise there is no clear plot.


*Paw* Characters:

Allee is the main character at this point and she's going somewhere in a great hurry. She's spunky, but is hesitant to react in crisis's without due reason.

Extras, such as the men hunting the dragon, were not mentioned in great detail. I get the impression that they're cruel and think only of themselves. For the dragon, it seems to have some intelligence and seems to know that Allee saved its life.


*Compass* Grammar: Not many problems that I could find. I'm not an expert with grammar.


*Music1* style/voice: It is written in third person, which is okay. The story sounds as though it were well thought out, but from my perspective as a reader, I have no clue where this is going.


*Beach* Setting: Along the road, a grassy place near the woods I believe, where she meets this dragon creature. Everything is described with strict detail, which isn't overwhelming.


*Star* Overall: Good. I'm curious to see where this girl will end up and if the dragon survives. there's a good hook in the beginning, and the end leaves the reader curious to find out more.


*Writing* Line by line: Don't know how much I can help here. I'll do my best.

Enough to satisfy the demands of the kingdom tax collectors.

I think we can do without that word, tax collectors are tax collectors. Most people will guess that they come from the kingdom. You don't have to change this if you don't want to, though.


Her elbows dug into her sides and her hands reachinged outward, fingers splayed as if the act deadened the noise of her shifting body weight.

I think this reads slightly better.


She would laugh with him, but only for a bit until a little pinch of sadness replaced her smile again.

'A little' is a pair of words you might want to avoid.


That's all I could find right off, this is an interesting start to a story.



Keep writing!

~Neaira


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Review by Antonia Ryder Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (1.5)

I'm not a professional writer. I'll try to give honest feedback and try to help with your writing. Remember, it is completely up to you whether you change anything or not.

*Star* First Impressions: The hilarity continues as Harry arrives at the mall. Too bad there isn't one of him going home afterwards, who knows what kind of trouble he could get to?


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: "I stepped onto the Escalator which (By the way) is a moving staircase and as usual I got my sleeve Caught in the rail which is Why I came up here in the first place anyway to get a new shirt because it rips the sleeve right off." Most hilarious reason to go to the mall, and the most useless.

"Like a tugboat hitting a land mine we exploded apart. HOOOOOOOOOO BOOOOOOOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Of course you know that a tugboat cannot hit a land mine, but that's what makes this so funny.

""Where are we?" Harry asked his black hair shining in the light and a guy in some neon shirt went by." Umm... they're in the mall, just maybe? *Laugh*

"Harry buys a Shirt and they find very helpful sales help that helps them buy more shelves of stuff before they leave like a beaver bringing sticks to its dam." The very helpful sales help... hahaha!



*Moon* Suggestions: As before, no suggestions for this terrible and hilarious short story.


*Butterflyb* Overall: It's so awful that it's funny. Harry is silly and Mary is just as bad. Together they could be catastrophic, but in an amusing sort of way.


Keep writing!

~Neaira


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Review by Antonia Ryder Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (1.5)

I'm not a professional writer. I'll try to give honest feedback and try to help with your writing. Remember, it is completely up to you whether you change anything or not.

*Star* First Impressions: This is really funny and deliberately terrible. I laughed when reading this. So many unnecessary descriptions and off subject remarks.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: "Something retreated into the woods like a rat swimming through lemonade." This sounds so off that it sounds hilariously funny. But seriously, I can picture that in my mind...

"Ran towards the road hoping for a car to show up but I started thinking that a car was nowhere near coming to save me, that guy down the road owed me some money." I love the casual, offhanded way that Harry thinks of the guy down the road while his life is in potential danger. Hahaha *Laugh*


*Moon* Suggestions: None. This was made to be terrible and funny. It does that. It's great in a silly sort of way.


*Butterflyb* Overall: Terrible grammar, distracted character who introduces himself twice, and the flawed descriptions of objects... yeah, it's great, but in a terrible sort of way.

I'll rate this a 1.5 because you asked for it, but it is so funny it deserves good marks *Laugh*


Keep writing!

~Neaira


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Review of The War Academy  Open in new Window.
Review by Antonia Ryder Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Your characters certainly like to talk. You said any comments were welcome so I'll try to be helpful and ask helpful questions or point things out you might've missed. These are only my opinions you can do what you want with your story. With that said I'll get started.

I started to read this because I love fantasy and although the title didn't catch my interest the description sort of did. Most people don't do good enough descriptions in my opinion but I think yours is a good one.

The very fist paragraph sort of clanged on my ears when I read it. Slipping in mud certainly is a terrifying experience but I don't think the word 'flying' should have been applied there. Maybe something a little more down to earth (Just my opinion and I'm not a pro).

It also doesn't sound like Elm ran very far into the woods, and um.... is she a good guy or a bad guy...? In the beginning I figured I was reading about a good guy but at the end I thought "That's it she's a bad guy, I'm glad she got what was coming" but now that I reflect on it a little bit I'm not so sure. Some clarification on that please...

Another thing that bothered me. The ending! "The army reached them." I really, really think you could word that differently and get a better feel if you know what I mean.

I hope I helped you on your story in some way.

Judging by your username I'll also assume you read 'Eragon'. So have I. (O-kay that's off subject, hope you don't mind... I'm a dragon fan myself...)

I don't ask for reviews or anyone to read my stories but it WOULD be appreciated. Even if you don't, keep writing!

Neiara (Takingafterme)
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Review by Antonia Ryder Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
For recently starting to be interested in writing I think you did a pretty good job actually. I read this because the title caught my attention first. So far though I see no reason for it to be called that. I'm not here to tell you about your title though so before I get carried away with that I'll focus on any little mistakes I noticed.
The words 'was' and 'had' are weak verbs and should be avoided as much as possible, no don't get rid of all of them, but at least as many as you can.

He was still weak, one did not sleep for a thousand years and not wake up unaffected.

In this line I think you should delete the word 'not'. This is just my opinion but I think it would sound better without that word. "Not wake up unaffected" sounds just a little confusing.

I could point out thousands of little mistakes all day (My brother tells me I can be a little overcritical sometimes) but I don't think it would do you too much good.

My overall impression is a good one, keep writing!

Neiara (Takingafterme).
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Review by Antonia Ryder Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Interesting story and vivid scenes, in my opinion the descriptions take over a lot of the story though, it gets distracting and after a while you start wanting to skip over parts and get to the point (Then again I might just be impatient).
Sorry I can't be any more helpful, just thought I'd point that out for you if it's any help.
Thanks for your time!
Neiara.
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Review by Antonia Ryder Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
You seem to have a great imagination! Descriptions are pretty vivid but sometimes the way it's written confuses me.
I don't know if anyone has told you to not use the word 'was' so much, I used to do it too, just as long as you work a few of them out it will sound better.
I'm not a professional at writing, but I hope this helps some!
Keep writing!
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