|I suppose I should start off by welcoming you to WDC. I joined a couple years ago and it has only spurred me on to write more and given me the confidence to complete my own draft of a novel. I should warn you that I like to review others as I prefer to be reviewed, with honesty and constructive feedback. Listening to the comments I've received from others has done nothing less than help me improve the quality of my writing and, if you're open to it, I have no doubt it will do the same for you. You'll have to forgive the length of this review, as I like to be thorough.
Also, I'd like to express that any suggestions I make are merely that. This is your work and you ultimately have the power to ignore any opinions I may express and keep things as you like them. I only wish to help you in the process.
Your concept for this story seems interesting enough to have potential, yet it seems to have a ways to go. Don't be discouraged, however. I only mean to say that I view what you've posted as a first draft. With some revision and editing, I believe it will tell an interesting story.
First and foremost, beyond the few spelling errors and minor structural mistakes, it seems to me that you're trying too hard. This was something I had a hard time with when I first started writing. For some reason, I felt that long, verbose sentences made me seem like more of a writer than simply telling the story well.
I wanted to get into your story, but often found myself struggling with your unnecessarily complex sentence structure. Here's an example from the second paragraph. You wrote,
"Had it been anyone else, this close to my birthday, I would be itching to find out what it was but he hadn't expected my stepfather to donate anything more than a fiver and my stepfather looked drunk and so a distant, freethinking part of my mind started to whisper to me that my father may have finally decided to carry out one of his many threats, after all he could be holding anything behind his back, a hammer, a knife, a pan or maybe even a..."
This sentence, as it stands, instantly knocked me out of your story when I had to go back and reread it three times before I understood the thoughts you were trying to convey. Remember, on top of relaying your story to the reader, your sentences also establish the pace. Slow, bulky lines of text aren't very entertaining and may cause your readers to lose interest before the really awesome stuff starts to happen.
Here, I've taken that same quote, separated and cleaned it up a bit to make it easier to read:
Had it been anyone else this close to my birthday, I would have been itching to find out what it was. I hadn't expected my stepfather to donate anything more than a fiver. He looked drunk again. A distant, freethinking part of my mind started to whisper that the inebriated man may have finally decided to carry out one of his many threats. After all, he could have held anything behind his back like a hammer, a knife, a pan, or maybe even a...
Now, this is just a possible way to simplify this line of text. Feel free to adjust it any way you like if you decide to make any changes. Please note that I've done more than add a few periods. Another thing to keep in mind when you're writing is what tense you're using. You established that you were using past tense from the start, yet occasionally fall into writing in the present tense. Don't worry, everyone has a problem with that at times.
Also, watch out for unplanned repetition. This is something I have trouble with, too, and spend a lot of my revision time proofreading for words I've used too frequently. In your original line, you mentioned your character's stepfather/father three times. We understood the relationship the first time, so mentioning it again (at least in the same paragraph) is redundant. Try using descriptors to enhance the scene and give us more insight into your narrator's views or, at the very least, try a few more pronouns. Using a thesaurus will help increase your word choices. I use one every time I write.
I think I'll leave on that thought. I had planned on pointing out a few more examples, but I seem to be writing quite a lengthy review. Feel free to ask me any questions about anything I've said. I'll be happy to elaborate. That is the purpose of this site, after all. So, please, don't be discouraged and keep writing.