Ha! Loved it....I'm sure there are plenty of mothers with sons who agree with you. Fortunately(I think) I have a daughter...about to turn twelve....so none of that sort of thing yet...I enjoyed your poem. There is nothing I would change about it. Thanks for sharing! Taryn
Hi,
I thought that over all your poem was a nice one. However there are a few changes I would make.
1. Whenever using "i" to identify a person, always capitalize.
2. I saw that you capitalized the beginning of some sentences and not others. This makes sense when you are beginning a new sentence, and some poets ( I am guilty of this also) capitalize at the beginning of every line. As we know, just because it is a new line doesn't make it a new thought. At the very least, try to keep to a format. If your going to capitalize at the beginning of lines, then do it every line or every sentence.
3. There are several misspelled words in this poem. Whenever you are preparing your work for others to read, it is always good to edit, edit, and just when you think you are done, edit again. A polished piece allows you to put your best work forward. And if your reader isn't busy editing your work so they can read it, then they can be busy getting the point that you are trying to get across.
This of course is just my opinion. It means nothing. Your work should reflect you and not me, so whether you take my advice is up to you. Thank you for sharing and please keep writing!
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Hi,
I thought your poem was good. However, the form was off for me. It reminded me more of prose as opposed to poetry. I thought your word choice and imagery were good. As a reader, I wanted to know more. I wanted to know why you felt hurt and pain, on what seemed like an ordinary walk. For me, a little more detail and a more defined form would make this poem closer to a five star rating. This of course is just my opinion and it means nothing.Thank you so much sharing, keep writing! Taryn
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Hi,
I liked your poem I thought the overall rhythm and rhyme was implemented well. The only thing I would change with your poem is the last stanza. I would remove all the Ands, except for the last one. I think it just reads better that way. Other than that I thought your poem was great. This of course is just my opinion. It is your poem and it should reflect you, not me. Thank you for sharing and please keep writing! Taryn
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Hi,
I reviewed your poem, and pain is evident here. The overall consensus is that you are more than "just a mistake of a 17 year old girl" And I hope to God that you aren't serious about the overdosing part.
Now there are several things I would change about this poem. I want you to remember that this review is just my opinion and it means nothing. This is your poem and it should reflect you not me. So whether you take my advice is entirely up to you.
1. Spell check. There are several words that need to be changed. Example: Dose should be does, skys should be skies, tonsles should be tonsils, dont should be don't. There are others...go thru and edit.
2 I usually try to refrain from using text language when writing a poem that I want others to read. It makes it seem more rushed, hurried, impersonal ( I could go on). But basically it looks as if you didn't take the time to write the words correctly, and if it looks that way then the reader is not going to take the time to take your work seriously. Words like gunna instead of going to or even goin', and o instead of oh are just a few examples of this.
3. In the eighth line, there are what looks like random letters at the beginning of this sentence.
Now those are the grammatical mistakes that I would fix. After you have done that, look at your poem again. Ask yourself, does it say everything that I want it to say? Do the words flow together to make it an easy read (I have problems with this sometimes too)? If not, edit it again. A poem does not have to rhyme, but it has to at least flow. Work the kinks out, you will be surprised at what you end up with.
Good luck and keep writing! Taryn
Hi,
Beautifully written. I absolutely love it! This is an Easter poem that showcases the life, death and resurrection nicely. Well done. This poem has a nice flow to it and was easy to read. There is nothing at all that I would change about this poem. The rhythm and rhyme were written wonderfully. : ) Thank you so much for sharing! Taryn
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Hi again,
I thought I would look you up again since I inadvertently read a work of your friends instead of yours.
Thought provoking piece, an offer that you can't refuse. Makes you wonder what you will agree to in a seconds notice without a moment to think about it; if you could have your hearts desire.
I thought your story was well written, and had me from the first line. There's nothing that I would change. I'm so glad I looked you up again. Thank you for sharing it. : ) Taryn
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Hi,
What woman hasn't experienced this! The ultimate forbidden fruit, so tempting we take it knowing the consequences.Then after succumming to our temptation, we kick our selves for not listening to sound judgement.; forever reliving the highlights, but trying to forget them also. I enjoyed your poem a lot. I thought it was well written, and there is noting I would change about it. Thank you for sharing! Taryn
Hi,
The more I read of your work, the bigger fan I become. : ) You seem t o have a way with words. I think you did an excellent job on this poem ( just like the others). The only thing I would change is your lack of punctuation. You don't have to have it, but I keep looking for the ends of sentences; and there are none. But that is just my personal opinion, and it means nothing. Thanks for sharing and please writing! Taryn
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Hi,
I thought your poem was short and sweet. Very bare bones, but nothing wrong with that as long as you can get your point across ;which to me you have. The only thing I would change about your poem is your use of semi-colons. I would do away with those. Since you are not writing real sentences they are unnecessary. Since you are using periods, adding colons after soul,heart,love, and bliss would be appropriate. Other than that everything is cool. Thanks for sharing and please keep writing! Taryn
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Hi,
This is poem is beautiful to me. The symbolism and imagery are well written, and I thought your word choice was perfect. The first stanza, to me, could stand on its own. As a matter of fact, I thought that was the end of the poem, until I scrolled down and realized that there was more. There is nothing I would change in how you wrote this poem. You've done a fantastic job. Thank you so much for sharing it and please keep writing! Taryn
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Hi,
I liked your poem : ) Very sweet. There are only a few things that I think you should change.
1. In the third line- compare should be compared.
2. In the ninth line- I should be is.
3. In the twentieth line- I would exchange nor for or.
4. Taking for granted that each pair of lines is a sentence, I would punctuate them accordingly. Add comas and periods in the appropriate places.
Other than that, I thought your poem was great! This is just my opinion, and it means nothing. Thank you for sharing and keep writing! Taryn
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Hi,
I enjoyed your poem,.Although I thought it had elements of beauty in it, there are a few things I would change.
1. I would correct all spelling and grammatical errors. Second line, first word: Untill should be Until, and yearns should be yearn. Twentieth line heavons should be heavens.Whenever you submit a poem for review, you always want to put you the best work forward that you can. Of course you may still have errors , but the major ones should be taken care of.
2. You fluxuate between lower case "i" and upper case "I" throughout the poem. When speaking in first person, it is best to always capatalize the "i".
3. The form and rhythm, for me, was hard to follow. Sometimes it rhymes, sometimes it doesn't. I just felt off balanced over all. I reread it several times trying to find a flow that fit.
I think overall you poem could be fantastic if you just edit some things. This poem has the potential to expound a little more on imagery to really make it pop!
Remember that all this is of course just my opinion and my opinion means nothing.
Thanks for sharing and please keep writing! Taryn "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"
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Hi,
This is oh so very true. Kind of sad isn't it? When you have it, you give it away, but when you don't you spend a lot of time searching for it. Strange.. : ) I thought your poem was very nice. Short and sweet. Thank you for sharing it. Taryn
Hi,
I loved your poem. I thought the rhythm and rhyme was easy to follow and well written. I would change nothing in this poem. I think it's perfect the way it is. It is one my favorites on this site. And I saved it as such. Thanks for sharing! Taryn
Hi,
I liked your poem. I thought the rhyme and flow was really good. And it was easy to follow, until the end. I was trying to figure out what you meant by " and you wont recognize a thing". I didn't know if you meant that the person you would see again wouldnt recognize you...or what. I reread the poem several times and I didn't understand what wouldnt be recognized. I kept wanting to turn "anything" into "me"....or anything but...anything lol. But other than that I enjoyed your poem. Thank you for sharing! Taryn
Hi again,
This version is much better, now all you need to do is fix grammatical errors and I think you will be done : ) I will point out what I think needs to be fixed, and then you can change them, or not later.
1. First stanza, last line- I think you meant "I'm" and not "I'll".
2. Second stanza, last line- I would put a comma not a period after love.
3. Fifth stanza, third line- too many fors, maybe one should be "them"
4. Fifth stanza,third and fourth line-take out the "and" in both sentences-unnecessary here and slows down the flow.
That is all that I would change, again this is just my opinion and it means nothing. I hope I was able to help.
Thanks for sharing and good luck! Taryn
Hi
You are my 100th review! YAY! (throws confetti). Almost a month ago I was your 100th review,so I thought it would be neat if you were mine.
I Love free verse. And I thought yours was done really well. I was sucked into the story from the very first line, and I stayed hooked until the end. It's amazing how we can put ourselves in a place we have never been, write about it, and make it believable. I think you accomplished that in this poem beautifully. I saw nothing that I would change in this poem. Thank you for sharing it, and thanks for being my 100th review! Taryn
Hi,
I liked your poem a lot. It's definately different...Shout out to Trebor, spelling is on point! lol....No really, the poem held my attention form beginning to end. I couldn't wait to figure out what other gifts you were gonna come out with. The only thing I would work on if anything, would be the third stanza. The rhyme is different here than the others. It just threw me off for a second. Other than that, I wouldn't change a thing. Thank you for making me smile today. I needed it. Taryn
Hi,
I thought your poem was cute! There are a couple of things I would change.
1. The rhythm in the last stanza is different than the other three, so it makes it a little awkward to read compared to the others.
2. In the last sentence, "now" is mentioned twice. I would do away with the second "now" or I would make the fourth line a brand new sentence.
Either way i feel like your poem is a good one. Thanks for sharing and please keep writing. Taryn
Hi,
I loved your poem. It is what love should be. I didn't see anything in this poem that I would change. I like it just the way it is. Thank you so much for sharing it. Taryn
Hi,
I loved this poem. The rhythm and rhyme are perfect, and I was captivated thru it's entirity. There is nothing I would change about this poem. Thank you so much for sharing it. Taryn
Hi,
I enjoyed your poem. I love love love free verse. It is by far my favorite form of poetry. Decorative free verse is ok too..I have tried it in the past. But I find that it can be easily overdone. In this piece I found myself increasingly distracted by the decorative additives. I kept having to go back and reread so that I could get back on track with what the poem was actually saying. I think your poem is great, but I think it would be greater if it didn't have so many decorative additives in it. Of course this is just my opinion, and it means nothing..lol... Thanks for sharing! Taryn
Hi,
I enjoyed your poem very much. It makes you think, and I like poems like that..lol The only thing I would change about this poem is the spacing. With each stanza spaced far apart, I wasnt quite sure where it would end...I almost missed the last sentence. Other than that, I thought it was great. Thanks for sharing and keep writing! Taryn
Hi,
I thought your poem was very nice. i wouldn't change anything about it except the last line. I feels out of place to me. This of course is just my opinion. Thanks for sharing and keep writing! Taryn
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