I really enjoyed your story. It was short and sweet, but very entertaining. I especially liked the twist ending. I was so excited when you hit the home run, but never expected the broken car window (even though it happens a lot when playing baseball). Good job! The only drawback was that there were a lot of names dropped throughout the short story which made it a bit confusing as to who you were reffering to. I had no one to identify with.
Specific comments:
"..we'd get three out before..." this should say three outs, as they are plural.
Wonderfully executed. I know how difficult it can be to write these 55 word stories. I tried one and failed miserably. You, however, do a great job of telling a story within the word limits. I could visualize the bear (if I am assuming correctly), and loved the ending. Great humor. Good luck in your future writing.
I am returning the favor of a review. This is a very superficial poem, with a touch of emotion but no real depth to it at all. There are also quite a few misspellings, which hurt this piece.
Specific comments:
In the description of your work, loving is misspelled.
In line 9, everything is misspelled.
Line 11,indescribable is misspelled.
Line 12, proposal is misspelled.
Line 13, you meant petals here, not peddles.
Line 14, you meant wind, not wined.
An amazing job of using description. I would never have believed that so much thought could go into choosing which chocolate to eat first. Your descriptions brought about vivid imagery of all sensations, specifically of touch and taste. I felt as if I were enjoying the chocolate along with your character.
And the memories tied to specific tastes were very intricately woven into the story. Well done!!
Great poem. I love the idea, the presentation, and the humor involved in your work. The title threw me off a bit, I was expecting a sappy poem, but I was greatly surprised. I specifically liked the line, "If she is frozen, set aside, use substitute." What a great way to present the troubles and turmoils of dating and finding a suitable partner. Definitely a 5.0 on my scale.
Another good emotional work showing the reunion of a father and daughter.
"...shoved the cellphone..." cell phone should be two words.
"...it till he comes" till should be until.
"Today he was was..." was is repeated.
"...much excitment..." excitement is misspelled.
"...world to to him..." to is repeated.
Just an aside but after reading several of your works now I found that you have a tendency to use the word smirk. While it is not incorrect, sometimes it is good to use other words, in this case maybe leered or sneered. Please don't feel bad, I have tendencies to be repetitive also and it always takes someone else to point it out.
You have a flair for writing. I enjoyed this piece very much.
My specific comments are below:
"Which Lynn didn’t know if she was so unfortuante." unfortunate is misspelled. Also, this sentence was rather confusing. I understood your meaning, that Lynn thought that it might be a good thing that Jason did not know about her feelings. But there may be some better way to say this, it seemed a bit clumsy as written.
"...how many other woman..." women should be plural here.
"When it didn’t work, he put his arms up to grab her but Lynn grabbed his with hers and pinned them above his head before leaning over and capturing his lips with hers." This sentence is ripe full of action, but it became a run-on sentence as I read. Lots of great actions, but too many together in one sentence. It actually took a lot of the meaning away from your action. I suggest that you rewrite this section and seperate your actions.
The ending was rather abrupt. It leaves a lot of questions, which can be a good thing, but since it is a short story it would also be nice to have closure. Overall I enjoyed your story. Thanks!
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