" really caught my attention.
Imagery & Emotions:
I see a country at war with itself, brother's fighting against and together to make it a better life for their families. Like so many before them wanting to change their circumstances and finding the courage to do so. Then reaping the rewards afterwards. A bitter, but sweet story for these two brothers.
Here are the recommended changes, you will find them in red or blue. Please read carefully and make changes as you see fit. This is your work, not mine. Just making suggestions that may sound better and capture your readers and not lose them somewhere along the way. Oh, and you want to capitalize a name or place.
#1: "So that lazy bones is
already up. I must really be late."
#2: "This time I'm going to get you, Mi Vida,
" said, removing a leftover of bread from his front teeth.
#3: "That's an instrument of freedom, brother and you can never be
#4: But it's
we, the peons, the poor who have to dirty their hands.
#5: Or what the I would not use this word at all, it has too many meanings and is out of context here. omit ploughing
priests tell you.
#6: This asshole
of a shack and your loser's pride!"
#7: And you, and all those who lick his boots like they're coated in honey and not in donkey
s***, are going to thank us for that!"
#8: Alejandro lowered his eyes and met the gaze, the
dark gaze of a muzzle.
#9: Don't you get it? I'm dead to
you, Don Batista, God
or whatever else greedy leeches are sucking the soul out of the people in the name of the
#10: He made out the shape of the master house, still surrounded by rows of corn like a General
surveying a battlefield.
#11: Simon stuck his face into the other mans, looking directly into his eyes.
#12: the man's features melted like wax.
General? General La Higuera?"
#13: The guard's lips sprouted in a smile "It's me, General
#14: "I could ask you the same, General
#15: The guard scratched his chin. "I work for Don Alejandro, General
#16: "Here we are, General
#17: Alejandro smirked, pouring Simon
a shot of Whiskey, followed by another for himself.
#18: A sad expression surfaced on his brother's face as he shook the bottle, "By then all the food had been eaten, all the wine was drunk.
#19: Many left in search of other places to graze
#20: You were at least right about one thing: we didn't need him as a
#21: Just omit: like
as there are new masters occupying the ministries in the capital.
#22: Only you still don't get it and
that's why you ended up in jail."
#23: Simon bite
his hand, trying to stop it from reaching his weapon.
#24: But you can't even imagine how many omit: ploughing
lawyers I can afford to hire!"
#25: Simon clenched his fists on his thighs
#26: He felt a silhouette under the fabric, his
#27: He just needed one second, a
quick slit and his brother's derision would drown in a gurgle of blood.
I know that there are a lot of changes here. You can use them or not, it is just my opinion. This is your work and you know the meaning and use of your words. Not everyone thinks the same. I think in #5 and #15 you are looking for f**king
instead of ploughing
that is the correct word that is used in English. Sorry, I don't like using such words myself. So, if you need the full word than I will send it in an email to you. So, it is private. I have always been told if you use such words you get one's attention and in this case of your story that is the word that you are looking to use. In the English language ploughing: means plowing up the earth
I also think it means the same in Italian. You have written a great story here. The life and times of those who have endured a revolution.
"Who are you? Raise just a single finger on her, and I'll gut you like a pig!"
A mother's love, you can't beat the protectiveness over her children. I'm glad to see that you added this into your story.
I want to thank you for giving me the opportunity to read and review your stories and I hope this has helped you. I'm sorry that it has taken me time to get back to you on these. Let me know if and when you make the changes, I will rate you a higher rating then. It amazes me how much we all pull together in this community to help one another.
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