Well to answer your first question, no I dont think this can stand as a first chapter. And for the the second question I would say yes but that solely because I love reading about magic and how other persons
go about creating their magic systems.
There were some sentences that seemed off to me. Like "He did the act of clenching his right hand in front of him" why include " He did the act"
The reason I said that I dont think this can stand as a first chapter is because there's no tension, no inciting incident. I'm assuming Urie awakening to magic is going to be the inciting incident or something that happens when he go to the tower so maybe you could consider starting the story on the day of the harvest festival or when he goes to the tower.
It wasn't a terrible read just lacked that tension, that main dramatic question at the end of the first chapter.
Well good luck man and keep on writing you're definitely on the right track.
There were some grammatical errors, noticed you had want where I think you wanted wand at some points. The was pretty flat, didn't get any sense of tension but I did like your description of the lady of the wood where you said hour glass figure that was nice. Another thing was the number of characters and the way they were introduced, couldn't keep their names and descriptions straight. Maybe could've said like keena the healer or something like that. Seem like your an ok writer tho but maybe you just hurried this piece.
My initial thoughts: A well written piece, didn't notice any typos.
Issues/suggestions: The protagonist reactions to being out of her body seemed too calm/she didn't as scared as she should have been by the whole situation.
I'm also confused as to what was going on, what were the little demons doing? Healing people? And why was the protagonist torquise?
Hey Robert, sorry it's been a minute since I promised you this review. Just started a new job, so things a bit hectic right now. I had actually read the first draft but by the time I was going to post my review the second one was already up.
My thoughts: Overall this second draft is definitely stronger, but personally I liked the ending from the first one better. Making Sam gay definitely made the bullying more traumatic. An idea I also had was what if from the start of the story you let the reader know about the kidney donation and have Sam be the only one in the dark till the end. Just a thought I had, like having the reader waiting to see Sam's reaction when he finally finds out
My issues/suggestions:In the paragraph where Ron handed him the water how about omitting 'once' and using 'and' instead of ', he' there.
How about Leaving Ron with no doubt that God's...
Typos: didn't notice any :)
Also check out my latest project and let me know what you think
My thoughts:An interesting and we'll written prologue, left me wondering what this world is like and what is the narrator.
What I liked:No, not a man[,] for I do not, nor will I ever, associate myself with the likes of humans. This was a pretty cool sentence and an interesting reveal that the narrator isn't human.
My issues/suggestions:where you has envious at the life I enjoy, how about 'envious of' instead
Typos:no typos that I noticed :)
Also check out my latest project and let me know what you think
Spartacus, bringer of rain, slayer of the shadow of death
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
The Super Power reviewers group thanks Schnujo for her amazing charity auction
What's up Jody, hope you're having a great day
My thoughts:A great piece of flash fiction
What I liked:lol, the ending was hilarious.
Characters:For such a short piece I feel like I got to know sprocket so well, a kind caring soul that works hard. She had real and believable dialogue with Mr Alexander. He was also interesting, the absent minded genius racer, sounds like a character to write a whole book on:)
Spartacus, bringer of rain, slayer of the shadow of death
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
What's up gingerbug, hello again
My thoughts:A well written story and an interesting read, though there are quite a few sentences that need to be improved.
What I liked:when she fell into the floor as soon as she reached enticing book, that was nicely done :)
Rikki's mom rubbing the back of her neck was a nice mannerism, made her seem more real and adding mannerisms is something I struggle to do myself.
At the end when you described what rikki's father did to her mother, that was really well described, good job, A++
My issues/suggestions: The first paragraph felt like it was being told too much as opposed to being shown. And I felt like the opening sentence was too cryptic, going by the prologue I'm assuming this is where she wakes up after she was drugged but starting with 'I was outside' sort of makes it seem like she just magically appeared there especially seeing as she had no idea where she was. Also why did it seem like she was on a battle field?
You described the floor as metallic with bolts and cracks. Also the purple energy seemed to be coming from below the floor. As I read it I couldn't visualize the floor setting, I think giving more detail as to the how these bolts and cracks are situated would help, i'm also assuming the purple energy was shining up from the cracks.
Making sure I wasn't making(having) hallucinations. I don't think there's really anyway to make sure you're not having hallucinations unless you has someone there to tell you the person you're seeing isn't there, so how about: hoping I wasn't hallucinating.
Typos: the brightest purple I (had) ever...
"What's going on?" I (said).
Your(You're) no fun...
I look(ed) around me...
Let you fall asleep (then) say...
Also check out my latest project and let me know what you think
Spartacus, bringer of rain, slayer of the shadow of death
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
What's up John
My thoughts:An interesting story, seems like Vana is on the run possibly.
What I liked: I liked the mystical aspect of your story, glowing waterfalls and mystic orbs :)
Characters:It was a short piece but Vana seemed real and believable.
My issues/suggestions:in your opening sentence you said 'carried by the stream that branched from the spring' I didn't understand what you meant by this.
How about: and reflected (in) the stream was... Not sure if I should have classified this one as a typo cuz I was thinking that people usually saw "reflection 'in' a mirror, etc.
How about: Spinning in place with her arms (spread wide.)
How about: she thought as she continued to (dance.)
Typos:none that I noticed:)
Also check out my latest project and let me know what you think
Spartacus, bringer of rain, slayer of the shadow of death
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
What's up Smee
My thoughts:A very interesting and very creative story. Looking forward to seeing the rest of your world.
What I liked:I like the world so far. Utter darkness, a flat smooth ground, appearantly a hunting ground for morhem. And they've never seen a human before. All very intriguing.
Characters:I think you did a great job with the characters, they had great reactions and dialogue.
Typos:and he didn't intend (on) losing it.
Placed its cargo... (it's)
the yanking at his neck contnued
Also check out my latest project and let me know what you think
Spartacus, bringer of rain, slayer of the shadow of death
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
What's up duhhfactor, you reviewed a piece of mine a while back and thought I'd repay the favor
My thoughts:An interesting story, sounds like an interesting world and I enjoyed reading it.
What I liked:The mention of wizards and dwarves. Plus they stole his carriage lol, thieving dwarves.
Characters:The protagonist was an interesting guy, my only problem with him was after the voice told him she'd appear at some point and kill him he didn't immediately seek help. He lives in a world with magic and wizards yet he spent days worrying and only ended up seeking help from a wizard after his friend questioned him.
My issues/suggestions:her voice teetering on insaneness. How about insanity instead
As he had referred to it as. Think you should take out 'as' at the end.
When he opened his eyes she was no longer standing in front of him. You didn't mention her appearing
Typos:he knows their they're stable
He had had a carriage...
His heart beat(s) wildly now
He see(s) nothing
Also check out my latest project and let me know what you think
Spartacus, bringer of rain, slayer of the shadow of death
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
What's up smee, coming to you live from the FSFS review board
My thoughts: An interesting first chapter.
What I liked:The set up for the story was pretty cool. And his experience while falling I to the blackness was well described.
Characters:Sej had some interesting inner dialogue, didn't really learn much about him but the story is just getting started. Only info I would have liked to know about him is his age/age group, you said he had young hands so at least I know he isn't wrinkled but left me wondering young like in his 20s, 30s etc.
My issues/suggestions:no issues, suggestions
Typos:or typos:)
Also check out my latest project and let me know what you think
Spartacus, bringer of rain, slayer of the shadow of death
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
What's up Symon, I've sorta glossed over your reveiws and I'll give them a good read and reply when I get some time. Figure I'll answer your reveiw request first.
My thoughts:An interesting first chapter, my concern is that the plot didn't hook me, it didn't feel really exciting. The hero's home life was interestingly emotional, but I didn't get a great sense of tension in the fact that the hero was forcibly drafted into the army.
What I liked:the protagonist's speech about how life isn't fair and his father should accept it and move on was pretty great.
Characters:The protagonist had some interesting and funny inner dialogue. I felt like you should have mentioned his age(or like teen/in his twenties), his name/appearance
My issues/suggestions:he still easily surpassed... Think you should take out still
His clothes were dark green... Feel like you should describe what he was wearing instead of just saying clothes, like if he's in a suit or something casual, etc.
They’ve already collected more twice as usual of our food reserves” This sentence needs to be rewritten
why he didn’t grow the food himself on his land, if he needs so much of, Maybe: why didn't he grow the food himself, they...
Since this occasion... How about: since then, I keep my questions to myself, I prefer not to have broken bones
This is my last day, so that’s something logical that I still can do at home” This sentence needs to be reworded
Typos:Even comparing (compared)
by my way to speak to him.(by the way I spoke to him)
With an the enraged
His eyes looked as if they were (about) to pop out of his skull.
The intruder looked at me than then at...
My mother took one of the old chairs and set(sat)
You want won't have it easy in the army...
and the get our seeds from the town”
I assumed some of them will(would) die...
I’ve seen the some of my bravest friend(s) freeze at the sheer sight of it.
Also check out my latest project and let me know what you think
Spartacus, bringer of rain, slayer of the shadow of death
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
What's up huntersmoon, just here procrastinating on finishing my own entry :)
My thoughts:An interesting story, nice cliffhanger.
What I liked:How Sarah's unsuspecting friend was going on about how you may never know, monsters may be real while Sarah comes from a family of monsters :)
Characters:You had interesting and believable characters with believable and realistic dialogue.
Typos:none that I noticed
Also check out my latest project and let me know what you think
Spartacus, bringer of rain, slayer of the shadow of death
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
What's up Espinado
My thoughts:An interesting story Espinado. I think your cliffhanger could use some work though, there wasn't like any tension at the end there, no one was worried or seemed to be in any danger. Still a good job tho, keep on writing man :)
My Favorite part:The German accent :) and also where you described it as a 'cartoon' German accent :)
Who calls the great pumpkin lol
Characters:The characters were pretty interesting, didn't really learn much about them but an interesting cast of species.
My issues/suggestions:Said a woman, think you should take out the comma here
Grunted a short man with scars, think you should describe his scars and also mention where on his body they are
Popped up over it(think you should reword this part, like maybe emerged over the grave or something like that)
More wear and tear than the last row.(think you should take out row at the end there)
There were one more man and two...(There was one man and two women. Since you already pointed out that there was three others in the previous sentence don't think you need'more' in there.
Typos:." Said a woman... (," said a woman...)
Form popped up over it and spoke (.)
I can not touch...(cannot)
A middle aged woman in pants... (a)
Also check out my latest project and let me know what you think
Spartacus, bringer of rain, slayer of the shadow of death
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
What's up Genipher
My thoughts:a well written piece, good job.
My Favorite part:the Peter pumpkin eater reference at the end. Brought back memories
Characters: An interesting cast of nursery rhyme characters with believable dialogue. Even got the contractor that's trying to pay his employees peanuts :)
Typos:none that I noticed :)
Also check out my latest project and let me know what you think
Spartacus, bringer of rain, slayer of the shadow of death
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
What's up poorknigh
My thoughts:A really awesome story, good job man.
My Favorite part: The end was really nice, learning it wasn't just some monster but a girl transformed (or a monster transformed :)
Characters:You did a good job with the characters, seemed like real people and had believable reactions.
My issues/suggestions:when you said the car exploded on impact. Left me wondering on impact to what?
Blasting the team all around... What do you mean by blasting?
The beast scanned over... Think you should omit over
We have multiple men d... Why the d...?
And move it arms... How about: and began moving its arms.
Think the monster could be more clearly described. Like how tall it was and what are it's front paws like, since you said it was standing on it's hind legs I'm imagining something like a gorilla's maybe?
Typos:cock their rifle(s)
With scratches and cut(I'm guessing you wanted cuts or a cut here)
You didn't kill (it!) It's not dead...
Knowing down Emmett...(knocking)
The bulletin (bullet in)
The(y) all halted
When the(y) say...(saw)
Also a lot in the last paragraph.
Also check out my latest masterpiece and let me know what you think
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #2165469 by Not Available.
Spartacus, bringer of rain, slayer of the shadow of death
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
What's up Monstradamus
My thoughts: An interesting and well written story.
My Favorite part: the table that displayed the mortal realm, that was a nice and creative touch.
My issues/suggestions: I felt like there could have been more showing, all of the events that happened on the mortal plane were told about instead of shown. And while the God's and the table were some interesting aspects I didn't get a great feel of tension between the characters.
Typos:did not notice a single typo :)
Also check out my latest masterpiece and let me know what you think
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #2165469 by Not Available.
Spartacus, bringer of rain, slayer of the shadow of death
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
What's up wakeupandlive, Derrol Edwards here, coming to you live from the please Reveiw page. Wazzz up
My thoughts: An interesting and well written story.
My Favorite part:when you announced the baby had died, made me physically flinch with surprise :) (don't know why I said physically like there's some other way:)
My issues/suggestions:'a grape and flower beds' don't really know how grapes are grown but feels like this might be a typo
Felt like the sentence where you mentioned a doctor was staying there could have been written better, I'm thinking maybe: Although a doctor friend was staying there at the time...
Everybody passed it on like it must have dreamed at the time. Don't know what this means, a typo?
Typos:has corps.(corpse) the fact that Ann was reciting poetry to it is making me wonder if you actually meant corpse though and if you did, is that a usual thing? (Not saying that it needs editing just something I've never heard of before)
Also check out my latest masterpiece and let me know what you think
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #2165469 by Not Available.
Spartacus, bringer of rain, slayer of the shadow of death
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
What's up M M Khan
My thoughts: A good start. Your sentence structure and punctuation still needs a lot of work but the story idea wasn't half bad. I'm guessing this is the first or among the first things you've ever written and you're only fifteen so you've got a lot of time to polish up your writing. Keep at it man, who knows, maybe one day Stephen king would be asking for your autograph :)
Typos:had all (the) qualities
Had been the topper don't know if 'topper' is a thing but think you meant at the top of...
Which will(would)
the good boy of the class(,)"
Also check out my latest masterpiece and let me know what you think
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #2165469 by Not Available.
Spartacus, bringer of rain, slayer of the shadow of death
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
What's up bob
My thoughts:an interesting and well written story. Killed by a monster cat who you mistook for your pet, lol.
My Favorite part:when Mavis said the kids sped like they had been granted immortality by God almighty, that was hilarious.
Characters: You had a great cast of characters. Believable and interesting. Mavis was pretty funny and even the sheriff and his wife who didn't have much page time had an interesting story.
Typos:none that I noticed.
Also check out my latest masterpiece and let me know what you think
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #2165469 by Not Available.
Spartacus, bringer of rain, slayer of the shadow of death
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
What's up bodhisattva
My thoughts:An amazing story, well-written and some awesome twists. The mysterious aspect also kept me very invested.
My Favorite part:Liked the way how you structured your first sentence, immediately had had me interested in what happened to Hannah and think the fact that you placed it in like its own paragraph made it all the more effective.
Characters: You had a wonderful cast of realistic characters. Jeff seemed like a relatively decent guy, felt like he could of been more sensitive to his step daughter,maybe try talking to her(not a criticism of your writing, just something me and Jeff have to talk about)
My issues/suggestions:The second sentence of the second paragraph needed to begin with a capital letter and end with a full stop. Grammar ain't my strong suit but I'm relatively certain.
At the scene with the gerbil, Jeff was standing at the door and then you said Audra was approaching the bedroom. But then after that you said Jeff pushed Audra out of the way trying to get to Hannah. Was thinking you should mention when she passes Jeff to get into the room. Also am confused as to where is the stairs in relation to Hannah's bedroom door.
Typos: none that I noticed.
Also check out my latest masterpiece and let me know what you think
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #2165469 by Not Available.
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/tekkadan
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 1.34 seconds at 2:31am on Apr 23, 2021 via server WEB2.