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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/tekkadan
Review Requests: ON
176 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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1
1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hey Akareel, good morning man

Well to answer your first question, no I dont think this can stand as a first chapter. And for the the second question I would say yes but that solely because I love reading about magic and how other persons
go about creating their magic systems.

There were some sentences that seemed off to me. Like "He did the act of clenching his right hand in front of him" why include " He did the act"

The reason I said that I dont think this can stand as a first chapter is because there's no tension, no inciting incident. I'm assuming Urie awakening to magic is going to be the inciting incident or something that happens when he go to the tower so maybe you could consider starting the story on the day of the harvest festival or when he goes to the tower.

It wasn't a terrible read just lacked that tension, that main dramatic question at the end of the first chapter.

Well good luck man and keep on writing you're definitely on the right track.
2
2
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
There were some grammatical errors, noticed you had want where I think you wanted wand at some points. The was pretty flat, didn't get any sense of tension but I did like your description of the lady of the wood where you said hour glass figure that was nice. Another thing was the number of characters and the way they were introduced, couldn't keep their names and descriptions straight. Maybe could've said like keena the healer or something like that. Seem like your an ok writer tho but maybe you just hurried this piece.
3
3
Review of The Guardian  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
WDC Super Power Reviewers

Hey there Simple Spider

My initial thoughts: A well written piece, didn't notice any typos.

Issues/suggestions: The protagonist reactions to being out of her body seemed too calm/she didn't as scared as she should have been by the whole situation.

I'm also confused as to what was going on, what were the little demons doing? Healing people? And why was the protagonist torquise?
4
4
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
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Hey Robert, sorry it's been a minute since I promised you this review. Just started a new job, so things a bit hectic right now. I had actually read the first draft but by the time I was going to post my review the second one was already up.

My thoughts: Overall this second draft is definitely stronger, but personally I liked the ending from the first one better. Making Sam gay definitely made the bullying more traumatic. An idea I also had was what if from the start of the story you let the reader know about the kidney donation and have Sam be the only one in the dark till the end. Just a thought I had, like having the reader waiting to see Sam's reaction when he finally finds out

My issues/suggestions:In the paragraph where Ron handed him the water how about omitting 'once' and using 'and' instead of ', he' there.

How about Leaving Ron with no doubt that God's...

Typos: didn't notice any :)

Also check out my latest project and let me know what you think

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 Ragnarök Genesis: Demons of Folgore  (E)
Folgoré City is plunged into darkness as powerful forces vie for control.
#2165362 by Derrol Edwards- Fantasy Writer


Is it the best collection of short stories you've ever read? :) Then consider nominating it for a quill award
"The Quill Awards" 
5
5
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
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What's up Melina

My thoughts:An interesting and we'll written prologue, left me wondering what this world is like and what is the narrator.

What I liked:No, not a man[,] for I do not, nor will I ever, associate myself with the likes of humans. This was a pretty cool sentence and an interesting reveal that the narrator isn't human.

My issues/suggestions:where you has envious at the life I enjoy, how about 'envious of' instead

Typos:no typos that I noticed :)

Also check out my latest project and let me know what you think

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 Ragnarök Genesis: Demons of Folgore  (E)
Folgoré City is plunged into darkness as powerful forces vie for control.
#2165362 by Derrol Edwards- Fantasy Writer


Is it the best collection of short stories you've ever read? :) Then consider nominating it for a quill award
"The Quill Awards" 
6
6
Review of Sprocket  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Spartacus, bringer of rain, slayer of the shadow of death



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The Super Power reviewers group thanks Schnujo for her amazing charity auction

What's up Jody, hope you're having a great day

My thoughts:A great piece of flash fiction

What I liked:lol, the ending was hilarious.

Characters:For such a short piece I feel like I got to know sprocket so well, a kind caring soul that works hard. She had real and believable dialogue with Mr Alexander. He was also interesting, the absent minded genius racer, sounds like a character to write a whole book on:)

My issues/suggestions:no issues or suggestions

Typos:and no typos Yah!
7
7
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Spartacus, bringer of rain, slayer of the shadow of death



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What's up gingerbug, hello again

My thoughts:A well written story and an interesting read, though there are quite a few sentences that need to be improved.

What I liked:when she fell into the floor as soon as she reached enticing book, that was nicely done :)

Rikki's mom rubbing the back of her neck was a nice mannerism, made her seem more real and adding mannerisms is something I struggle to do myself.

At the end when you described what rikki's father did to her mother, that was really well described, good job, A++

My issues/suggestions: The first paragraph felt like it was being told too much as opposed to being shown. And I felt like the opening sentence was too cryptic, going by the prologue I'm assuming this is where she wakes up after she was drugged but starting with 'I was outside' sort of makes it seem like she just magically appeared there especially seeing as she had no idea where she was. Also why did it seem like she was on a battle field?

You described the floor as metallic with bolts and cracks. Also the purple energy seemed to be coming from below the floor. As I read it I couldn't visualize the floor setting, I think giving more detail as to the how these bolts and cracks are situated would help, i'm also assuming the purple energy was shining up from the cracks.

Making sure I wasn't making(having) hallucinations. I don't think there's really anyway to make sure you're not having hallucinations unless you has someone there to tell you the person you're seeing isn't there, so how about: hoping I wasn't hallucinating.

Typos: the brightest purple I (had) ever...

"What's going on?" I (said).

Your(You're) no fun...

I look(ed) around me...

Let you fall asleep (then) say...

Also check out my latest project and let me know what you think

 Ragnarök Genesis: Demons of Folgore  (E)
Folgoré City is plunged into darkness as powerful forces vie for control.
#2165362 by Derrol Edwards- Fantasy Writer

A darkness is coming

Is it the best collection of short stories you've ever read? :) Then consider nominating it for a quill award
"The Quill Awards" 
8
8
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Spartacus, bringer of rain, slayer of the shadow of death



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What's up gingerbug

My thoughts: Awesome. A short and simple flash of betrayal, I liked it.

My issues/suggestions:Maybe change the item description though, seeing as there's no mention of a video game or being trapped mentioned.

Also check out my latest project and let me know what you think

 Ragnarök Genesis: Demons of Folgore  (E)
Folgoré City is plunged into darkness as powerful forces vie for control.
#2165362 by Derrol Edwards- Fantasy Writer

A darkness is coming

Is it the best collection of short stories you've ever read? :) Then consider nominating it for a quill award
"The Quill Awards" 
9
9
Review of The Waterfall  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Spartacus, bringer of rain, slayer of the shadow of death



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What's up John

My thoughts:An interesting story, seems like Vana is on the run possibly.

What I liked: I liked the mystical aspect of your story, glowing waterfalls and mystic orbs :)

Characters:It was a short piece but Vana seemed real and believable.

My issues/suggestions:in your opening sentence you said 'carried by the stream that branched from the spring' I didn't understand what you meant by this.

How about: and reflected (in) the stream was... Not sure if I should have classified this one as a typo cuz I was thinking that people usually saw "reflection 'in' a mirror, etc.

How about: Spinning in place with her arms (spread wide.)

How about: she thought as she continued to (dance.)

Typos:none that I noticed:)

Also check out my latest project and let me know what you think

 Ragnarök Genesis: Demons of Folgore  (E)
Folgoré City is plunged into darkness as powerful forces vie for control.
#2165362 by Derrol Edwards- Fantasy Writer

A darkness is coming

Is it the best collection of short stories you've ever read? :) Then consider nominating it for a quill award
"The Quill Awards" 
10
10
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Spartacus, bringer of rain, slayer of the shadow of death



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What's up Smee

My thoughts:A very interesting and very creative story. Looking forward to seeing the rest of your world.

What I liked:I like the world so far. Utter darkness, a flat smooth ground, appearantly a hunting ground for morhem. And they've never seen a human before. All very intriguing.

Characters:I think you did a great job with the characters, they had great reactions and dialogue.

Typos:and he didn't intend (on) losing it.

Placed its cargo... (it's)

the yanking at his neck contnued

Also check out my latest project and let me know what you think

 Ragnarök Genesis: Demons of Folgore  (E)
Folgoré City is plunged into darkness as powerful forces vie for control.
#2165362 by Derrol Edwards- Fantasy Writer

A darkness is coming

Is it the best collection of short stories you've ever read? :) Then consider nominating it for a quill award
11
11
Review of The Dread Bridge  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Spartacus, bringer of rain, slayer of the shadow of death



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What's up duhhfactor, you reviewed a piece of mine a while back and thought I'd repay the favor

My thoughts:An interesting story, sounds like an interesting world and I enjoyed reading it.

What I liked:The mention of wizards and dwarves. Plus they stole his carriage lol, thieving dwarves.

Characters:The protagonist was an interesting guy, my only problem with him was after the voice told him she'd appear at some point and kill him he didn't immediately seek help. He lives in a world with magic and wizards yet he spent days worrying and only ended up seeking help from a wizard after his friend questioned him.

My issues/suggestions:her voice teetering on insaneness. How about insanity instead

As he had referred to it as. Think you should take out 'as' at the end.

When he opened his eyes she was no longer standing in front of him. You didn't mention her appearing

Typos:he knows their they're stable

He had had a carriage...

His heart beat(s) wildly now

He see(s) nothing

Also check out my latest project and let me know what you think

 Ragnarök Genesis: Demons of Folgore  (E)
Folgoré City is plunged into darkness as powerful forces vie for control.
#2165362 by Derrol Edwards- Fantasy Writer

A darkness is coming

Is it the best collection of short stories you've ever read? :) Then consider nominating it for a quill award
12
12
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Spartacus, bringer of rain, slayer of the shadow of death



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What's up smee, coming to you live from the FSFS review board

My thoughts: An interesting first chapter.

What I liked:The set up for the story was pretty cool. And his experience while falling I to the blackness was well described.

Characters:Sej had some interesting inner dialogue, didn't really learn much about him but the story is just getting started. Only info I would have liked to know about him is his age/age group, you said he had young hands so at least I know he isn't wrinkled but left me wondering young like in his 20s, 30s etc.

My issues/suggestions:no issues, suggestions

Typos:or typos:)

Also check out my latest project and let me know what you think

 Ragnarök Genesis: Demons of Folgore  (E)
Folgoré City is plunged into darkness as powerful forces vie for control.
#2165362 by Derrol Edwards- Fantasy Writer

A darkness is coming

Is it the best collection of short stories you've ever read? :) Then consider nominating it for a quill award
13
13
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Spartacus, bringer of rain, slayer of the shadow of death



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What's up Symon, I've sorta glossed over your reveiws and I'll give them a good read and reply when I get some time. Figure I'll answer your reveiw request first.

My thoughts:An interesting first chapter, my concern is that the plot didn't hook me, it didn't feel really exciting. The hero's home life was interestingly emotional, but I didn't get a great sense of tension in the fact that the hero was forcibly drafted into the army.

What I liked:the protagonist's speech about how life isn't fair and his father should accept it and move on was pretty great.

Characters:The protagonist had some interesting and funny inner dialogue. I felt like you should have mentioned his age(or like teen/in his twenties), his name/appearance

My issues/suggestions:he still easily surpassed... Think you should take out still

His clothes were dark green... Feel like you should describe what he was wearing instead of just saying clothes, like if he's in a suit or something casual, etc.

They’ve already collected more twice as usual of our food reserves” This sentence needs to be rewritten

why he didn’t grow the food himself on his land, if he needs so much of, Maybe: why didn't he grow the food himself, they...

Since this occasion... How about: since then, I keep my questions to myself, I prefer not to have broken bones

This is my last day, so that’s something logical that I still can do at home” This sentence needs to be reworded

Typos:Even comparing (compared)

by my way to speak to him.(by the way I spoke to him)

With an the enraged

His eyes looked as if they were (about) to pop out of his skull.

The intruder looked at me than then at...

My mother took one of the old chairs and set(sat)

You want won't have it easy in the army...

and the get our seeds from the town”

I assumed some of them will(would) die...

I’ve seen the some of my bravest friend(s) freeze at the sheer sight of it.

Also check out my latest project and let me know what you think

 Ragnarök Genesis: Demons of Folgore  (E)
Folgoré City is plunged into darkness as powerful forces vie for control.
#2165362 by Derrol Edwards- Fantasy Writer

A darkness is coming

Is it the best collection of short stories you've ever read? :) Then consider nominating it for a quill award
14
14
Review of Normal  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Spartacus, bringer of rain, slayer of the shadow of death



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What's up huntersmoon, just here procrastinating on finishing my own entry :)

My thoughts:An interesting story, nice cliffhanger.

What I liked:How Sarah's unsuspecting friend was going on about how you may never know, monsters may be real while Sarah comes from a family of monsters :)

Characters:You had interesting and believable characters with believable and realistic dialogue.

Typos:none that I noticed

Also check out my latest project and let me know what you think

 Ragnarök Genesis: Demons of Folgore  (E)
Folgoré City is plunged into darkness as powerful forces vie for control.
#2165362 by Derrol Edwards- Fantasy Writer

A darkness is coming

Is it the best collection of short stories you've ever read? :) Then consider nominating it for a quill award
15
15
Review of A Gathering  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Spartacus, bringer of rain, slayer of the shadow of death



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What's up Espinado

My thoughts:An interesting story Espinado. I think your cliffhanger could use some work though, there wasn't like any tension at the end there, no one was worried or seemed to be in any danger. Still a good job tho, keep on writing man :)

My Favorite part:The German accent :) and also where you described it as a 'cartoon' German accent :)

Who calls the great pumpkin lol

Characters:The characters were pretty interesting, didn't really learn much about them but an interesting cast of species.

My issues/suggestions:Said a woman, think you should take out the comma here

Grunted a short man with scars, think you should describe his scars and also mention where on his body they are

Popped up over it(think you should reword this part, like maybe emerged over the grave or something like that)

More wear and tear than the last row.(think you should take out row at the end there)

There were one more man and two...(There was one man and two women. Since you already pointed out that there was three others in the previous sentence don't think you need'more' in there.

Typos:." Said a woman... (," said a woman...)

Form popped up over it and spoke (.)

I can not touch...(cannot)

A middle aged woman in pants... (a)

Also check out my latest project and let me know what you think

 Ragnarök Genesis: Demons of Folgore  (E)
Folgoré City is plunged into darkness as powerful forces vie for control.
#2165362 by Derrol Edwards- Fantasy Writer

A darkness is coming

Is it the best collection of short stories you've ever read? :) Then consider nominating it for a quill award
16
16
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Spartacus, bringer of rain, slayer of the shadow of death



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What's up King Roland

My thoughts:A interesting piece, really like your power, traveling trough time and space via wall teleportation, very creative :)

My Favorite part:sense of impending doom, lol

My issues/suggestions:was about to begin an anxiety... How about I was about to have...

Typos: someone's voice can...(came)

A wal in...(wall)

Also check out my latest project and let me know what you think

 Ragnarök Genesis: Demons of Folgore  (E)
Folgoré City is plunged into darkness as powerful forces vie for control.
#2165362 by Derrol Edwards- Fantasy Writer

A darkness is coming

Is it the best collection of short stories you've ever read? :) Then consider nominating it for a quill award
17
17
Review of Pumpkin Eater  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Spartacus, bringer of rain, slayer of the shadow of death



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What's up Genipher

My thoughts:a well written piece, good job.

My Favorite part:the Peter pumpkin eater reference at the end. Brought back memories

Characters: An interesting cast of nursery rhyme characters with believable dialogue. Even got the contractor that's trying to pay his employees peanuts :)

Typos:none that I noticed :)

Also check out my latest project and let me know what you think

 Ragnarök Genesis: Demons of Folgore  (E)
Folgoré City is plunged into darkness as powerful forces vie for control.
#2165362 by Derrol Edwards- Fantasy Writer

A darkness is coming

Is it the best collection of short stories you've ever read? :) Then consider nominating it for a quill award
18
18
Review of The Beginning  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Spartacus, bringer of rain, slayer of the shadow of death



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What's up Goku

My thoughts: An interesting start, and really funny, had me laughing at the end.

My Favorite part: You spoke negatively and hence you have detention. Lolol, this guy is so the super villian :)

Typos: ego that cold... (Could)

Also check out my latest masterpiece and let me know what you think

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#2165469 by Not Available.
19
19
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Spartacus, bringer of rain, slayer of the shadow of death



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What's up poorknigh

My thoughts:A really awesome story, good job man.

My Favorite part: The end was really nice, learning it wasn't just some monster but a girl transformed (or a monster transformed :)

Characters:You did a good job with the characters, seemed like real people and had believable reactions.

My issues/suggestions:when you said the car exploded on impact. Left me wondering on impact to what?

Blasting the team all around... What do you mean by blasting?

The beast scanned over... Think you should omit over

We have multiple men d... Why the d...?

And move it arms... How about: and began moving its arms.

Think the monster could be more clearly described. Like how tall it was and what are it's front paws like, since you said it was standing on it's hind legs I'm imagining something like a gorilla's maybe?

Typos:cock their rifle(s)

With scratches and cut(I'm guessing you wanted cuts or a cut here)

You didn't kill (it!) It's not dead...

Knowing down Emmett...(knocking)

The bulletin (bullet in)

The(y) all halted

When the(y) say...(saw)

Also a lot in the last paragraph.

Also check out my latest masterpiece and let me know what you think

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#2165469 by Not Available.
20
20
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Spartacus, bringer of rain, slayer of the shadow of death



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What's up Monstradamus

My thoughts: An interesting and well written story.

My Favorite part: the table that displayed the mortal realm, that was a nice and creative touch.

My issues/suggestions: I felt like there could have been more showing, all of the events that happened on the mortal plane were told about instead of shown. And while the God's and the table were some interesting aspects I didn't get a great feel of tension between the characters.

Typos:did not notice a single typo :)

Also check out my latest masterpiece and let me know what you think

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#2165469 by Not Available.
21
21
Rated: E | (5.0)
Sounds like it's gonna be an interesting book, best of luck. Oh and what's scroll?
22
22
Review of A Haunted House  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Spartacus, bringer of rain, slayer of the shadow of death



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What's up wakeupandlive, Derrol Edwards here, coming to you live from the please Reveiw page. Wazzz up

My thoughts: An interesting and well written story.

My Favorite part:when you announced the baby had died, made me physically flinch with surprise :) (don't know why I said physically like there's some other way:)

My issues/suggestions:'a grape and flower beds' don't really know how grapes are grown but feels like this might be a typo

Felt like the sentence where you mentioned a doctor was staying there could have been written better, I'm thinking maybe: Although a doctor friend was staying there at the time...

Everybody passed it on like it must have dreamed at the time. Don't know what this means, a typo?

Typos:has corps.(corpse) the fact that Ann was reciting poetry to it is making me wonder if you actually meant corpse though and if you did, is that a usual thing? (Not saying that it needs editing just something I've never heard of before)

Also check out my latest masterpiece and let me know what you think

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#2165469 by Not Available.
23
23
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Spartacus, bringer of rain, slayer of the shadow of death



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What's up M M Khan

My thoughts: A good start. Your sentence structure and punctuation still needs a lot of work but the story idea wasn't half bad. I'm guessing this is the first or among the first things you've ever written and you're only fifteen so you've got a lot of time to polish up your writing. Keep at it man, who knows, maybe one day Stephen king would be asking for your autograph :)

Typos:had all (the) qualities

Had been the topper don't know if 'topper' is a thing but think you meant at the top of...

Which will(would)

the good boy of the class(,)"

Also check out my latest masterpiece and let me know what you think

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24
24
Review of Copycat  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Spartacus, bringer of rain, slayer of the shadow of death



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What's up bob

My thoughts:an interesting and well written story. Killed by a monster cat who you mistook for your pet, lol.

My Favorite part:when Mavis said the kids sped like they had been granted immortality by God almighty, that was hilarious.

Characters: You had a great cast of characters. Believable and interesting. Mavis was pretty funny and even the sheriff and his wife who didn't have much page time had an interesting story.

Typos:none that I noticed.

Also check out my latest masterpiece and let me know what you think

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25
25
Review of Feral  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Spartacus, bringer of rain, slayer of the shadow of death



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What's up bodhisattva

My thoughts:An amazing story, well-written and some awesome twists. The mysterious aspect also kept me very invested.

My Favorite part:Liked the way how you structured your first sentence, immediately had had me interested in what happened to Hannah and think the fact that you placed it in like its own paragraph made it all the more effective.

Characters: You had a wonderful cast of realistic characters. Jeff seemed like a relatively decent guy, felt like he could of been more sensitive to his step daughter,maybe try talking to her(not a criticism of your writing, just something me and Jeff have to talk about)

My issues/suggestions:The second sentence of the second paragraph needed to begin with a capital letter and end with a full stop. Grammar ain't my strong suit but I'm relatively certain.

At the scene with the gerbil, Jeff was standing at the door and then you said Audra was approaching the bedroom. But then after that you said Jeff pushed Audra out of the way trying to get to Hannah. Was thinking you should mention when she passes Jeff to get into the room. Also am confused as to where is the stairs in relation to Hannah's bedroom door.

Typos: none that I noticed.

Also check out my latest masterpiece and let me know what you think

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