Spartacus, bringer of rain, slayer of the shadow of death
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What's up breach
My thoughts: It's an exciting start, four different groups meeting and duking it out.
My Favorite part: when the guy teleported away using the stone.
Characters: I think Branston and Faldashir were depicted really well. There wasn't like any big emotional scene but got a sense of determination from the both of them to fulfil their goals.
My issues/suggestions:why did the first three guys kill the horses that were pulling the cart?
The last fight scene vs the knight I think needed some dialogue to it, it came off as somewhat uneventful. In researching how to write good fight scenes I came across an article speaking about how having meaningful dialogue in a fight scene makes it more memorable.
Typos:close to the end you has "he stared out that the spot"
I also has a book I'm working on, check it out and let me know what you think.
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Spartacus, bringer of rain, slayer of the shadow of death
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What's up brom
My thoughts:It was a great story, I really like reading/watching anything based in Norse mythology. I felt like the ending was a bit uneventful but really enjoyed reading it.
My Favorite part:When Able was discovered, mage was like all cocky about it.
Characters: No one really made an impact for me, seemed more like they were just fulfilling their roles as no motivation/reason was given as to why they took it upon themselves to investigate the closing of the portal and to risk their lives going after Loki.
My issues: when Able said a magical being of great power never heard of, seemed like a strange conclusion to jump to. Think where you said never heard of is what really threw me off. Thinking like why would he think it's an unknown magical being as opposed to some other powerful organization/kingdom.
Just a suggestion but to activate the invisibility stone, imagine being invisible seemed sort of bland would be a word I guess, how about like a one word spell?
Why was Able chosen for the mission?
It seemed like Able was alone and he had the invisibility stone so how was the Griffin invisible? And also why was he sent alone seeing as the two of them used the stone earlier
Also there was a bunch of different creatures traversing the bridge, at first I thought maybe it was some sort of evacuation but doesn't seem like that was the case?
Typos: the paragraph that starts, Able began: missed the "'s" after there.
Paragraph: Bronus folded: included/excluded a word(s) somewhere there. Also following sentence has "gave small hope"
You has "let us hope the teleporter in working."
Paragraph: the mage froze.: You has "I now your there."
I also has a book I'm working on, check it out and let me know what you think.
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A well written and captivating start. Looking forward to seeing how it unfolds. Only issue might be the number of characters introduced in the short time, couldn't remember the names as I got to the end but I have always had a bad memory so maybe it's just me. Also has a typo in paragraph with aneles and glinn. I just started on the 2nd chapter of my book but check out what I has so far and let me know what you think, Spartacus, bringer of rain.
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Ouch, that ripping off the balls scene is gonna give me nightmares later. An interesting story, really well written and I liked the way it ended. I also has a book I'm working on just started chapter two but check it out and let me know what you think.
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Possessed by evil and killing her husband and friends definitely makes for an interesting story but the writing needs to be better. A lot of the scenes just sort of left me with a confused feeling. Like when she rammed the police car and then jumped out, was left wondering what happened, was the police car hit by on coming traffic? Was her car also going to get hit and that's why she jumped out? And seeing as it was her car wouldn't the police eventually come looking for her when they find her car at this accident? It's a great idea for a story just needs to improve on making the scenarios read better. I also has a book I'm writing, just started the second chapter but check it out and let me know what you think.
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A great prologue, well written and very exciting. There were a few typos. Really liked reading about the origins of the many races and creatures also liked a lot of the names you came up with. Looking forward to Future installments, I also has a story I'm working on, check it out let me know what you think.
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An interesting story, had me engaged throughout and had a feeling of wanting Josiah to succeed at the end. There were some typos and thought that the scene where Josiah was shocked that his father's vessel was destroyed by only one ship could of used some more info as to why it was so unbelievable. Also finished(sort of) the first chapter of my book, check it out let me know what you think.
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A very interesting chapter, really liked how it ended. There were some typos and thought the descriptions could of been better, like when window ledge scene when he kicked the guy. Also you mentioned four-sided and three sided daggers, just something I have never heard before was wondering what they looked like? I also has a giant wolf in my story :)
Very interesting prologue, I'm looking forward to seeing this baby grow up and fulfil her destiny :). The events in it are good but think they could be worded better, like the clans need to be named and some parts read awkwardly like "Oh, he didn't sense..", the "Oh" breaks the flow of the story. The descriptions in the first paragraph also needs some work, I could see a meteor across the sky and a multitude of stars but the stars concealing the bright arc from the meteor is where you lost me. Had a few typos like meet where I think you wanted met and determinance where you probably wanted determination. And think maybe the part with the dying officer could use some more info, like he's in this clan that values trust so much and then just runs off and joins the opposing clan after a single conversation, especially if it's not going to be explained in the book. So yeah that's all I got, I'm read chapter one tommorow, best wishes, Spartacus bringer of rain. Oh and also working on a book only has a short chapter right now but check it out let me know what you think.
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Boom, that story was awesome, think I saw 2 typos. Think you should re-word where you have, "And then" before "I woke up" and "I blacked out". And the sentence about being a terrible writer seemed unnecessary, only problem I had was picturing a reverse spotlight (was thinking like how is the rest of the room lighted and he in darkness?,I dunno maybe just something I've never experienced) but it was a well described scene and I liked the writing style too. Oh and when you said he didn't even fade out of consciousness,he just blacked out, don't know the exact definition of blacking out but thought the person lost consciousness? It was a great read though, amount the best I've read since I joined. I also have a story I'm working on just has one chapter right now but check it out let me know what you think.
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An interesting story and well written, though you use "had been" a lot, don't want to say your using the wrong tense because grammar ain't really my area of expertise but maybe you could look into it. Liked that joke with the leprechaun,was hilarious. The deal though,Kade being able to possess her body whenever he wants for an unspecified amount of time may lead to problems down the road. Oh and in the beginning when Kade flew out from his tree and terrorised the woman, the only descriptions we had for him were his tail and wings, you needs to add a body description(when I read it, first thing I thought was"wait is he a bat?" then I remembered the tail) and saying that he terrorised the woman I think was too vague, so yeah a body description and describing how he terrorised the woman would set a clearer scene. It was a good read nonetheless, I also have some cool stuff on my portfolio check it out and let me know what you think.
Great writing and an interesting story. there were a few typos. Also after not being allowed to bathe for a month, her opt-in to wait until morning came off a little shocking, not saying that I think you need to change it,but it just seemed wierd.well that's all I got, looking forward to seeing where the story goes. I also have some cool stuff on my portfolio check it out and let me know what you think
A well written story, but it kinda left me asking"what was the point?" The part where he started to sink into the water brought some tension but then he just died/story just ended. I also have some cool stuff on my portfolio check it out and let me know what you think.
Spartacus bringer of rain
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