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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/tessababie
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32 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of My Morning Battle  
Review by Marie
Rated: E | (5.0)
LMAO! OMG Harry! *Smile* This is why I dont own one - besides its inches, not pounds that make the difference. *Wink* I look forward to a future rendition of your fight with the measuring tape. LOL

~ Marie
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Review of Someplace Fun  
Review by Marie
Rated: E | (4.0)
Would they vacationers be able to see the wonder of the beach? Do you mean "the" instead of "they"?

I took a sip from my warm canned of stale pop. "warmed can"?

the sweetness of the drink had turned to its flavor to old cough medicine. maybe "turned its flavor to?"

A really nice descriptive piece. And you managed to make it have some sort of meaning as well as take care of the assignment. Good job! *Smile*

~ Marie
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Review by Marie
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This was beautifully written but I think that you should add a bit more before your last paragraph. I think that, even though there is nothing at all wrong with this piece, it may prosper from some more depth and detail - you know, some more "feel good". *Smile*

And don't ever apologize to people about your spiritual and lifestyle point of views. Never ever be apologetic in those.

~ Marie
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Review by Marie
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
A hush falls upon the crowd. Someone breaks wind. LOLOLOL *Laugh* OMG!

Good Lord how do you think up these things? ha ha ha you should really present this at a school or something.

~ Marie
5
5
Review by Marie
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Very nice and cleverly written. I found n mistakes or areas for work in this piece. *Smile* A job well done.

~ Marie
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Review by Marie
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
ha ha ha! Of all the things to be bothered about that incidence ... the accent!?!?! *Bigsmile*

~ Marie
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Review by Marie
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
While I thought that this was very well written and you had some wonderful thoughts - I didn't see how it fit into a poem. I merely felt as if I was reading a work that was put in poetic format.

I hate to say this ... :( but I really felt it strayed form the usual grace your storeoms have.

~ Marie
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Review of Sure Shot  
Review by Marie
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
This was a very powerful piece. You did wonderfully with the way you placed the lines across the screen and the way you split them up in the middle to let them give two meanings.

Perfect - not a thing I would change.

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Review by Marie
Rated: E | (4.5)
Another very good poem. :)

You have a lot of talent showing through these pieces. I think maybe just a little more work and you could really do something with them!

~ Marie

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10
Review by Marie
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
Bathroom Ruminations:
Does bathroom time lend itself to better thinking?
What kind of thinking goes on in a bathroom?
Does perching naked over a bowl of water help me imagine what it's like to rule the world?
Can I write a masterpiece while making noises?

Of course.

THE PROOF My suggestion ...

Bathroom Ruminations:
Does bathroom time lend itself to better thinking?
What kind of thinking goes on in a bathroom? Does perching naked over a bowl of water help me imagine what it's like to rule the world? Can I write a masterpiece while making noises?

Of course.

THE PROOF

This would help to set it apart from your "proof" below it. It would also visibly drag your reader into what you are saying.

Sitting up early in the morning, our hero can barely keep his eyes open and focused... Everything you wrote in this paragraph is gramatical sound and well written. However I see a lot of potential here. Try playing with words or choosing different phrases to tell your reader something. For example - my change of your first sentence ... "Blinking groggily, our hero can barely keep his eyes open, much less focused ..." IN this example - you are letting the reader know that it is early morning - or at least he has just woken up - without TELLING them.

"Serves me right," he thought, "I guess I'll get some coffee going and see what happens." Here you should start a new sentence after "...he thought." Also, putting thoughts into quotations can make the reader easily confuse it with actual dialogue. Try something else to set their thoughts apart. Maybe ann asterisk on either side, or type it in bold. For me - I do this: Serves me right, he thought. I guess I'll get some coffee going and see what happens.

He was only going to sit there with his mug and satisfy the urge to create by imagining what he should say Maybe help bring the humor into his actions by putting some type of emphasis on the word "imagining".

He didn't expect to actually type anything. He was only going to sit there with his mug and satisfy the urge to create by imagining what he should say. He didn't expect to type anything. Only he found himself drawn to the keys when he pulled his eyes apart long enough to see the screen. First - you don't need "...should say. He didn't expect to type anything." Because you already said that two sentences ago and it is just repetitive. Maybe put a comma after "Only," And then try to think of a better way to describe "pulled his eyes apart." That phrase is very awkward and brings torture methods to mind. :)

His fingers flew around the letters; words appearing magically on the white screen.
Maybe "flew around the keyboard"?

A naked man on a toilet with a laptop privately satisfying a craving that he had suppressed most of his life You should put some punctuation in this sentence.

Creating on the toilet by necessity calls for privacy, but he doesn't mind I think maybe you need a comma "...toilet, by necessity, calls ..." As I think you are saying that it is privacy that is the necessity, not creating on the toilet.

Had enough?
Classic literature move over I think again you need some way to visually set this apart from the rest of yoru story - as it isn't part of the writing taking place. My suggestion:
Had enough?
Classic literature move over

And judging from the sound that woke him, there's not enough Lysol in the house to get the masterpiece back on track this morning. One question - what does Lysol have to do with it? I am confused.

And suddenly or happy author realizes that not only is it not early, it’s not Saturday. "our". Put a comma after "that" and maybe one after "suddenly" for more power and suspense or drama.

This realization hits him just as he answers and hears the boss breathing on the other end of the line Maybe "his" instead of "the"?

I think that this story was very cute - believe it or not with all my comments. LOL :) I just wanted to point some things out to clean it up a bit and maybe make it a better overall piece. I really liked the cracks at the end that he says to his boss. Clever. And joke about coffe turning the piece into bad fiction. :)

Just a few others things to think about though - maybe try to put space between the lines. It looks cleaner then as opposed to being one big block of text.

Also - although this was a cute piece you really didn't tell us about anything. You just skimmed over the character and his dream. You didn't really share anything with us. While reading I felt more like I was reading a synopsis of a story then an actual shor story you know?

This could be easily remedied however with just a little more defining detail. Maybe a little more work on it - once you get to the bathroom again. *Wink*

I would be interesting in helping you out with soe ideas or even just reading through this piece again after you have done some revisions. So go ahead and give me an email yea?

~ Marie

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11
Review of The Strong Abide  
Review by Marie
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
But suff'ring? His was past I don't htink you meant for the question mark to be there.

This was a beautiful poem. I felt all teary-eyed and such. You had such a beautiful way the rythym and flow of the words together - and the rhyming was flawless.

Also - being from an abusive background I can understand the full meaning behind the strength and love between you and your brother - and the complete loss that muct have been felt at his passing.

Fantastic job. Truly wonderful.

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Review by Marie
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
LOLOL How do you do it? I am all warm inside with a romantic poem and then you make me burst out laughing. lolol ha ha ha

~ Marie
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Review by Marie
Rated: E | (4.0)
we ride first think tomorrow I believe you mean "thing".

I pleasure to meet all of you. Either "I'm pleased to meet all of you." or "A pleasure ...".

Well it was a cute story. A bit humoerous. Just a few things of advice. You don't always have to use the word "right" to get the point across about the knight. Ytry using a variety of words.

Also - give them some more character development. I found the story only a bit funny but it had so much more potential. Maybe if you had the Squire and Knight go into more detailed conversations? Or describe more vividly people's reactions to what the Knight was saying?

Over all it was very well written. Not many mistakes or whatnot.

~ Marie

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Review by Marie
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
It is a vry clever story - mixing all the different fairytales together. this was also very well written. Ididn't notice and grammatical or spelling mistakes and everything was worder wonderfully.

HOwvere - one word of advice. Instead of always "telling" your reader what is happeneing, try "showing" them.

For instance: don't always tell us what the character is thinking - have them think it. This makes for a much better read. Reading a narration with no personable interaction gets a bit boring.

Just my two cents.

~ Marie

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